More Questions
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/15/2008 at 11:45 AM
I asked my friend if I could print the rest of her list of questions to ask a potential spouse, and she agreed. Please keep in mind that this is one person's list and is not meant to be comprehensive. Also, the questions are not written to be asked directly to the man; the questions are directed at the woman for her to consider. My friend writes:
If she doesn't know the answer to a question, and it's important to her, she may need to tactfully ask him some questions about that subject. Or, she may need to ask questions of his friends or parents, or make other observations. These are meant to get her thinking about things she may not have yet considered. And it may help her think of other questions.
Spiritual
- Will he be the spiritual leader of your home?
- When you share with him your deepest spiritual thoughts, does he relate?
- Do his life and conversation reveal that he is truly connected with the Savior?
- Do his goals in life show that he wants to please the Lord above all?
- Are his goals in life compatible with yours?
Emotional
- How does he handle anger?
- (Added by me) Does he demonstrate emotional stability?
Mental
- Do you respect him intellectually?
Financial
- Does he have a gambling addiction?
- Does he have a spending addiction?
- How does he handle finances (budgeting, what he spends money on, tithing)?
- Is he a diligent, dependable worker?
- Does he make enough money to support you and future children?
- Does he expect you to work outside the home, or does he expect you to stay home with the kids?
Again, these questions are not restricted to the guys. They're just good questions meant to help you exercise wisdom as you move forward with relationships. What questions would you add?
1. Jo said the following at 11:54 AM on Oct 15:
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Under emotional: How does he handle conflict? ie, if you challenge him about something he's said or done, or express that he's upset you in a specific way, how does he respond to that? BIG one that I always like to test... *cough*
2. DannieA said the following at 12:55 PM on Oct 15:
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Good one Jo...
I like the financial one, because I'm very good with my finances and I certainly do not want a man with bad choices in that area.
And if he is not the best, would he be put off by my insistence of handling the finances.
3. Chelsey @ Brown Eyed Basics said the following at 1:27 PM on Oct 15:
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I would add the questions:
*How does he act around females whom he is not dating/engaged to?
*What kinds of relationships does he have with men his own age and older men? Are they fruitful and encouraging? Does he seek counsel from older men in the church?
4. Melanie said the following at 1:34 PM on Oct 15:
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My fiance and I spent quite some time going through "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged"- it covered all of these things and more from a Christian perspective. It was a great opportunity to get to know each other better, and ask about all the things we needed to know instead of assuming.
5. Darren said the following at 1:39 PM on Oct 15:
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I'm sorry, but at a certain point these kinds of lists can get just a little ridiculous. There are literally about 101 questions you ask. You could ask them if they have an internet addiction. If they have an eating disorder. If they have ever been treated for mental illness. If they have ever been arrested for a felony.
You can't approach marriage like a visit to your doctor. Although, many of those questionaires you see at doctors offices have very similar questions.
ie.
Do you smoke?
Do you drink?
Suffice it to say, that marriage should be entered into with a lot of forethought. If the person you are considering a marriage relationship with seems non-transparent, that should set off warning bells.
Instead, you might want to consider, these more basic questions (questions to ponder for yourself as much as to ask them)
1) Do they have friends? What kind of people are these friends? Do they have Christian friends?
2) Are they open and honest about their feeling and what they are thinking?
3) How close are they to their pastor/small group leader?
4) What are the things they talk about? What movies do they watch? What books do they read? How do they spend their money? What are their hobbies/pastimes? This is similar to the question about how they handle their finances. These all goes to where and how they devote themselves. Note just because a person doesn't spend money, doesn't mean they are thrifty or sensible, they could just be selfish.
6. Andrea-Elena said the following at 1:44 PM on Oct 15:
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Suzanne:
Thanks for asking your friend and then posting her questions! =)
What do you see Do you respect him intellectually? as meaning... Is my attitude toward him respectful? or Is he intellectually compatible with me such that I want to admire and respect him? or both??
How does he handle anger?
I suppose that means (1) his own anger, (2) my anger, and (3) other people's anger. Yes?
Will he be the spiritual leader of the home?
Hmm... that one sounds a bit too general. I'd revise it to state: Does he believe/hold to/live by/strive for the same vision of biblical leadership that I have as to what that should look like in the home? Is he evidencing potential of being such a leader? and Is he growing in areas of biblical leadership?
Financial:
I'd add one... Are you willing to wait to marry him till he is earning enough money to support a wife and children?
Think about the guy who has yet to finish (or start) a bachelor degree program and wants to, even is on the way to doing so, yet does not earn a living yet that would support anyone but himself. (I wasn't amenable to the idea that his having a solid earning potential was at least 5 years away. Bio clock is a'tickin'!!) Are you willing to help earn income while he is in graduate school (if that is one of his goals)?
Is he living on his own, in his own apartment or home? (Roommates are OK. Living with the parents at 30-something... uh... iffy... unless he's taking care of ailing parents.)
More questions...
Do you both avoid conflict and confrontation? Then are you willing to grow beyond these hang-ups... together? Or do you each need to tackle those issues while NOT in a relationship that's headed toward marriage?
In the areas in which you have coinciding weaknesses, are these debilitating to your relationship? Or is each of you working on those weaknesses, rather than amplifying them in the other person?
~ * ~ * ~
Ask yourself:
• How am I responding both internally and externally to this person's attitudes, speech, and behavior?
• Am I being reasonable in my expectations and guidelines, or am I being unrealistic?
• Do I have the priorities in the best order, or are they out of whack?
• Am I considering the things that concern me about this person, in light of the context of other attributes and in light of who he/she is; or am I focusing on one thing and amplifying it?
• Am I dealing with this(these) issue(s) proportionately, or am I blowing things out of proportion?
• Am I thinking clearly and biblically, or am I letting worldly/fleshly/secular/worried thought patterns cloud my judgment?
• Am I reviewing all this information and all these observations prayerfully, asking God to illuminate the truth? Or am I just "winging it" on my own?
7. BDB said the following at 2:26 PM on Oct 15:
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Then there are the specialized ones, such as, "Can he run a marathon while carrying a horse on a stick?"
8. Dave said the following at 2:41 PM on Oct 15:
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-- Am I ready to acknowledge and submit as appropriate to another person's leadership, in spiritual, financial, or relational matters?
-- Am I ready to contribute to that leadership?
-- Is there any destructive addiction in either of us, and am I ready to confess and surrender it to Christ?
-- Am I willing to allow someone else to know exactly what I see on the Internet (access to one's log files)?
-- Have we discussed how we will both change over the years, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?
-- Have we worked on service projects together, to serve people different from us and who cannot repay us?
-- Have we discussed handling a spiritual call to full-time Christian service, domestically or not?
9. josh said the following at 3:56 PM on Oct 15:
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If your potential spouse were to have taken anti-depressants, would you leave him or her because of possible emotional instability in past history? Or would you try to find out why they took them and why their outlook might be a little melancholic?
To me I would really have no problem digesting the things told to me if I ask questions. That's just me, but whoa to anyone who leaves a person because of past problems they have gotten over because that is just pettiness. You asked and they were honest to answer.
10. Dan said the following at 3:56 PM on Oct 15:
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Is it really fair to judge a man on whether or not he can support a family on his own income? It's entirely possible for a man to work hard and be a good man of character and not make a lot of money. How much money does a man need to support his family?
11. kaj said the following at 3:57 PM on Oct 15:
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Along with those, I'd add some "scary" questions for anyone considering marrying a divorced person:
My list is drawn from observing both acquaintances and relatives who have gone through divorce and remarriage.
* Why do you want to marry again?
* What led to the divorce?
* What methods of healing/recovery have you used/are using to move forward after the divorce?
* How did you work to salvage your previous marriage(s) before the divorce occurred?
* If you have kids, what are the custody/visitation arrangements? How far away do they live, and how do you plan to stay involved in their lives? What role do you see me, as a stepparent, playing in their lives?
* What is your relationship like with your "ex" and "exes in-law" (particularly the grandparents of any children)?
* What are your wishes about us having (biological) babies "together" if we were to marry? How do you think that may affect your/my other children?
* What is your church's/denomination's policies on remarriage of a divorced person/people? Would you, I, or both of us be subject to church discipline if we married? If so, what would that entail?
(Depending on the church/denomination, that may range from not being able to receive Communion to not holding church office such as deacon, to being outright "struck from the books" as a member.)
* Would you want your/my children to be a part of the wedding? How do you think they may feel about being in the wedding? What arrangements would need to be made for the children during the honeymoon?
The reason I post these questions is that many Christian "relationship" books geared toward teens and young adults that I've read barely touch the ramifications of marrying a divorced person (if there are any, feel free to correct me). Some may feel pressured to "settle" for someone who divorced for reasons other than an unfaithful spouse, or just gloss over the fact because they feel they're "in love," and that makes it OK.
If I ever were to marry, it would be my first marriage; my preference is such will be the same for him.
If anyone's divorces has no Biblical grounds, that's already a red flag to me.
12. Keith said the following at 7:49 PM on Oct 15:
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These questions are great, except for the one on how much money a man makes. Since when has income been a factor in deciding whether or not to love and marry someone?
I don't think Joseph (the father of Jesus) was rich, and Jesus was born in a stable.
13. Michelle said the following at 8:35 PM on Oct 15:
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SPIRITUAL:
1. Does he exercise discernment in his media choices or does he have the mindset that what he listens to/watches/reads doesn't affect him?
2. Does he encourage your spiritual growth and times of fellowship together (reading the Word, discussing Christian books), or does he tend to shy away or put it off?
EMOTIONAL
1. Does he demonstrate a joyful and affirming or negative and critical spirit?
FINANCIAL
1. What are his views on debt? Does he currently have debt and if so, does he have a plan for paying it off within a reasonable timeframe?
14. khalil said the following at 8:46 PM on Oct 15:
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#4, great book...I also recommend it.
15. IWishToRemainAnonymous said the following at 9:54 PM on Oct 15:
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I would ask - how important are children? If we were to find ourselves unable to conceive our own, would we simply accept that as God's plan or seek to foster or adopt children? (This could be a huge sticking point down the road if one partner is simply desperate for children and the other is opposed to adoption.) And along those same lines, it would be good to find out if either party has any known health problems which might make conception difficult.
16. Rachael said the following at 10:58 PM on Oct 15:
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A relative's response to me in my asking her if she (and another person) would approve of my marriage with someone:
"1. Is he a believer?
2. Is he good to you? Does he look "down" on you?
Sure, there will be times it's a stress, and feelings will get hurt. But to foresee--would that hurt be a daily thing, would he be difficult to live with?
So those are my criteria."
Quite awhile back I'd asked her about things I should look for or ask about, and I think she at least mentioned the temper issue...
Of course, we all sin, but anyway...
17. DannieA said the following at 11:16 PM on Oct 15:
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and then there are the REALLY important questions:
Are you a Dodgers fan? Did you cry when the Phillies won tonight?
if so, you're ok....
yeah a man definately cannot be a SF Giants fan and expect to share the same house with me.
18. Waf said the following at 5:04 AM on Oct 16:
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This is from a discussion with a friend:
The issue of "does he make enough money to support you and the future children" --- should never be a principal issue; or rather, should be handled very very open-mindedly.
Let me explain, and ladies, please keep those guns down.
The other day, I spoke to a respectable someone (old enough to be my father) about the money issue and he explained to me that it shouldn't be a principal issue coz no one knows what the future holds, money wise. He went on to explain to me his own situation; he was working in the financial sector, earning a pile of cash and life was, financially, VERY GOOD. Then, the Lord called him to serve as in ministry as a full-time Pastor and he obeyed; financially, the cash coming in reduced SIGNIFICANTLY. He went on to say that if his wife had married him for his money, then at that point of his calling, she would have been very very disappointed --- but because she married him for who he was, it made no difference that his income was greatly reduced.
He concluded our father-son talk by saying that the only thing that counts is your potential; as in, never mind where you are now financially, as long as you are going somewhere. But even then, keep in mind the fact that the financial future can be very uncertain and as such, should never be a principal hinge in the "who to marry" decision making process.
Whether you have a pile of Benjamins right now or have none --- you just never know what's in Act 7 scene 3. Marry him/her for who he/she is.
19. Amelia said the following at 5:24 AM on Oct 16:
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Andrea-Elena (#6)- you have some good points there! The list of questions to ask yourself are quality - especially the one about reviewing information prayerfully. Very important!
But I'd have to question one of your questions - the one about waiting to marry him until he's earning enough money to support a wife and children and not just himself. Children are a whole other ballgame, I'll admit. But if he's earning enough to support himself, chances are it could be stretched to support a wife. This is assuming he's living by himself already - moving out of home or a share house would add extra rent, obviously.
What I'm getting at is that, in terms of day-to-day living expenses, I would argue that being married results in a minimal amount of extra expenditure - an extra person's worth of food, really. I think it's something that requires frugality and creative thinking, rather than being a reason to delay or reconsider marriage. There's no magic figure at which one's income is 'enough', in my opinion.
20. cn said the following at 7:52 AM on Oct 16:
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I would venture to add a section about how he relates to his family.
How is his relationship with this father/mother?
Do they respect him as an adult? Does he honor them while still making decisions independently?
And because I never imagined in law situations to be as stressful as they can be... nor are many encouraged to talk about this prior to marriage:
Do we share the same convictions about what our relationship to each others parents should be after marriage?
If conflict arises, how will he/we handle it?
Does he understand the Genesis command to "leave and cleave?"
21. Suzanne said the following at 9:40 AM on Oct 16:
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Darren,
I'm curious to know your objection to this list. It doesn't seem that extensive to me. Do you feel that the questions are too intrusive? Would stifle the relationship? I guess I feel it's better to ask too many questions than too few.
22. NeedACatchyName said the following at 10:54 AM on Oct 16:
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On a similar note, there are also a lot of less personal questions that are nonetheless very important that you can ask even earlier in the relationship, possibly at the "DTR" or even before going out with a person, if you were friends for a while beforehand. One example would be views on being a"stay at home mom. If you want to be a stay at home mom, then you're going to want to date a guy who is agrees with this and is willing to try and obtain the type of job that can support a family on one income. So if you can arrange for this subject to come up early on in the relationship, then it can prevent you from wasting time with a guy who doesn't want his wife to stay at home. And this can also be an question question for guys too. I had a friend in college who was adamant that his future wife would stay at home and homeschool his children, and therefore was not interested in dating any girl who didn't agree with this. As a result, he would make his views on this known early-on, so that he would not be leading any girl who did not share this view into a relationship that was destined for failure. So if there are any characteristics that you absolutely must have in a future spouse and they don't involve overly personal or sensitive subjects, it's best to get those questions answered as early as possible in the relationship, ideally within the first few dates.
23. Grace said the following at 11:00 AM on Oct 16:
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While its important to get to know 'potential spouse' (av written most of these ques down), I think we should concentrate more on what this person has become in Christ during the past few years as well as rate of growth rather than what he/she used to be like.
Its also important to have specific answers about the future. Esp for those already engaged. Examples include: Adoption, church to be attended, will wife work, how close will we be to family, would other people live in our house, would we raise other pple's children, for how long, what financial level are we aiming for, specs for friends the list is endless.
Lets not get too emotional. Love is all well and good, but a level of detachment is necessary if we would be able to think and pray without bias. Time for all the mushy stuff later.
Plenty love
24. Holly said the following at 11:52 AM on Oct 16:
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Those are all great questions, but I think we need to be careful in trying to create/find a Prince Charming. I think someone earlier mentioned about their potential that's important, same with me as a wife.
My only MUST question, of course, is "is he a Christian?" Spiritual leadership is something that will grow in him through his Walk and me encouraging him.
My more secular questions would be:
"Do you bring out the best in each other?"
"Do you bring out the worst in each other?"
If the answer to the last question is "yes" then that's good, cuz you don't want to hold back anything and be surprised in marriage. I think there's a certain point in your dating relationship that you get develop conflict resolution routines.
25. Christina said the following at 12:25 PM on Oct 16:
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Ummm...some poeple are so narrow minded by what something means...
"The ability to provide for you and a family" is not restricted to HOW MUCH YOU MAKE.
If anyone is concerned about the monetary value, than yeah...you're in for a rude awakening.
But it is important for a man to have the ABILITY. A woman won't always have that ability. And if the man doesn't at any point, it would be good to pray that that doesn't happen while she's out =p
You are kinda going to be making a vow that says "for richer or poorer" its just important that the man is willing to work to provide
26. Becky said the following at 12:37 PM on Oct 16:
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To all those guys who were upset with the "how much money does he make" question. If you want to be the "breadwinner", if you want you wife to be a stay at home mom, if you feel its your sole responsibility to take care of your family financially then yeah your current and future paychecks are an issue.
You can't have it both ways!
27. Andrea-Elena said the following at 1:09 PM on Oct 16:
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To all:
To clarify a bit...
The set of questions I suggested isn't itself necessarily designated for a particular stage in the relationship.
I have all those questions in mind from the beginning and start to gather "intel" at the get-go. Some questions come up as part of getting to know each other. Other questions are asked point-blank, intentionally timed. Some questions are reserved for a particular stage. By the time you are considering marriage, you should be able to supply the answers to most, if not all, of the questions. Otherwise, why take the risk?
Amelia:
Thanks! =)
Yes, you're right --- if the man in question is already demonstrating that he can support himself in his own home, then he should be able to support a wife as well, especially if she continues working till they have children and they sock away her earnings into savings.
But not all men are currently in such a stable situation. Some are making the transition into living a new life with Christ (or a rededicated one) and a life that is free from drug and alcohol use/abuse. (And take into consideration that substance abuse damages the brain.)
If such concerns are the only things that are concerning about a man, then it really is about how patient the woman is willing to be. Does she want to walk with him through this growing stage? As his girlfriend/fiance or his wife? Or does she believe that he would do better by not being in a relationship during this season?
A similar thing could be said about any number of major issues that a man might be struggling with and trying to grow beyond (for example, healing from a wife divorcing him or from the death of his wife or the death of a child). The question of whether he is trying to make an overall trajectory of progress is a valid concern.
If the woman discovers "midstream" that there is an issue about himself that the man needs to confront, then she needs to observe whether he does confront it...and how he handles himself, her, other people, and situations while he tackles that issue.
Make sense?
28. Jo said the following at 1:47 PM on Oct 16:
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Becky said:
"You can't have it both ways!"
And this is the big problem with the "SAHM is best" camp.
Either there are a lot of men whose wages aren't now and never will be enough to support a family on one income, or there are a lot of women whose ideal standard of living is way too high. I'm not sure which it is, probably some of each.
The thing is, it's unfair to judge a man's suitability for marriage by his paycheck. Evaluate whether he works hard and is responsible with money, by all means. But those are different issues. Not all men are called to high paying jobs.
There may be good reasons why some of us *need* to marry a guy who can easily support a family on his income alone, and certainly I would place that on my 'ideal' list - but most of us could make do without that ideal, and so for most of us I think it shouldn't be a deal-breaker if he's earning less than we'd like.
So some of us women really need to
a) re-evaluate our lifestyle expectations
and/or
b) accept that we may actually have to work, and that's just the way it is.
29. Afton said the following at 1:48 PM on Oct 16:
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DannieA (#17),
I feel the same way, except insert Angels instead of Dodgers and Red Sox instead of Giants:-) I could put up with an A's fan because there's really no competition.
30. Suzanne said the following at 2:25 PM on Oct 16:
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Does he make enough money to support you and future children?
Here is why this question matters. Several friends of mine are forced to work full time to help support their families when they'd rather stay home with their children. It's heartbreaking to me that they really have no option because their spouses are unable or unwilling to meet the family's financial needs.
However, if the couple is in agreement that the mother will have the option to stay home with the children, they can certainly create a budget around most any income. Heather Koerner wrote a great article about this: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001506.cfm
31. Kellie said the following at 2:55 PM on Oct 16:
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Regarding comments #6 and #27("Are you willing to wait to marry him till he is earning enough money to support a wife and children?"):
Not all of us are going to SAHMs. If I had desired that, I wouldn't have married my husband...while he has a good, stable job, it just isn't quite enough by itself. However, my husband is worth working part-time for. :-)
32. James said the following at 3:35 PM on Oct 16:
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All this judgement makes me uncomfortable. Who are you trying to marry, Jesus?
33. DannieA said the following at 3:40 PM on Oct 16:
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Afton #29....I sympathize. I guess you can't wait til the Rays beat the red sox tonight right? LOL
yeah Angels are ok....although I do prefer National league to American League, but Angels are fine :-)
34. Andrea-Elena said the following at 4:07 PM on Oct 16:
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Kellie:
I do realize that.
My questions in that vein obviously were predicated on the idea that the hypothetical woman wanted to be a SAHM (or even tightly held to that standard for herself and her future family, as I do).
My parents made it on one income with my mother staying at home most of the time my sister and I were under their roof. They are frugal folks. (Plus, my dad is highly intelligent, chose to work for the Federal government in a pretty stable arena, and pinches the nickel so hard that the buffalo poops!!) I figure that if you adjust your expectations accordingly, you can have a modest home, raise 2 kids, and live on one income most of the time.
My parents also saved, saved, saved and invested quite a bit.
For us growing up that meant not always having the latest of everything. (Sometimes we did feel the pressure of not quite measuring up in our "fashions" [or lackthereof], but truly, that's a pretty petty thing for a preteen or teen to be concerned about, as I know now, being an adult who is developing a biblical worldview thanks to God's grace and mercy and His teaching me.) We didn't get toys every time we went to the store. We didn't vacation at the beach or go to Disney. Vacations were usually at family members' homes. If we got to go somewhere special for a vacation or just a fun trip, it was because my generous (and frugal, saving-up, and wisely investing) grandparents helped us pay for the trip. (Of course, not everyone has this blessing. And I doubt my parents will be able to help me and my family like that. But it's not from their not wanting to.)
My parents always paid off their credit cards at the end of the month. They paid their bills on time. When they had unexpected money, they paid down long-term loans or paid them off. (Their house is paid for now.) They made wise financial decisions most of their lives.
Being a child was a rich time for me, because my mother made use of her education (elementary ed with a music minor) and creativity to be sure we were exposed to all kinds of educational things. (I mean, we were raised on PBS, crafting, reading, singing, and more.) And she made sure we got to church.
I believe that my husband and I would be able to live on one income at least during the early years of our kids' childhood. I could go back to work part-time or even fulltime while they are in school (unless we homeschool). I could pick up freelance work. (What I do for work now would easily parlay into freelance.)
I can't imagine that a man whose intelligence is near my or surpasses it wouldn't have the earning potential to support his SAHM-wife and their kids.
Of course, the future isn't known to us. But past behaviors are pretty good predictors of future behaviors, so you judge by the fruit... past and present, taking into account when the person became a Christian.
I know that I cannot control market forces or the stability of governments. Besides, those things are in God's hands, not mine.
But I do know that He has given me a brain that's pretty agile and an ability to learn stuff pretty quickly. A man who is similarly agile (even if in different areas of abilities) or even moreso than I would be an asset to any corporation or agency. Plus, a love for Christ, dedication to expanding and undergirding the Kingdom, a passion for people, and a servant heart....
That's the kind of man I want to marry. And I believe he exists! =D
35. kyra said the following at 4:13 PM on Oct 16:
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I loved the idea of this. I had made a similar list recently when I decided I would start dating again. One thing I feel about this list is many of the questions are a bit vague and seem to offer a lot of wiggle room. In other words, supposing a woman is asking them of a man she's already starting to fall love with...it would be too easy to be blind to the reality. She may already think of him as very spiritual and a good leader, good provider, when in fact he may not be.
Most of the things on my list were a lot more concrete such as
--how many children would he like to have?
--does he own or lease his current car? Did he buy it new or used?
--does he have any credit card debt?
--does he view/use pornography?
--does he have a monthly budget?
--does he tithe?
PS-A lot of my money questions I feel uncover a man's true attitude about money, whether he makes $20K a year or $2mil a year. What's important is not if he earns enough to support your designer shoe habit but is he a good steward of his money?
36. Leah said the following at 5:37 PM on Oct 16:
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Holly said "Do you bring out the worst in each other?"
If the answer to the last question is "yes" then that's good, cuz you don't want to hold back anything and be surprised in marriage.
I don't think that's really true. I don't think it's good to bring out the worst in each other. I think it's good to learn to hold back. Not hold back information or emotions, but use self-control in the way you behave. If you don't and just pour it all out on your spouse/fiance(e)/boyfriend/girlfriend, you're not being loving.
I would say you should really try NOT to bring out the worst in each other. There are other life circumstances which will take care of that, and yes, you'll have to learn how to deal with conflict and with the worst of the other person when those circumstances arise. But I do not think it should be you creating those circumstances which bring out the worst in your partner.
37. Leah said the following at 5:44 PM on Oct 16:
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Andrea-Elena suggested we ask Is he living on his own, in his own apartment or home?
Are you serious? His *own* home? If you're talking about waiting for a guy who owns his own house, I think that's completely crazy. Especially in the pre-25 age group.
If you're asking does he live out of his parents' home, that's another matter.
Keith- I think it's sensible to see if the guy is going to be capable of supporting his wife and children. That's not to say he has to be earning $60,000, and doesn't mean he has to be earning enough to support a family NOW, but it does mean he should have the ability to. If he's in a job earning $35,000 with no prospects of promotion or pay-raises, I'd suggest he think about moving jobs at some stage if he's serious about supporting a family.
38. Beatrice81 said the following at 11:14 PM on Oct 16:
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My list of important questions:
Is he capable of pulling his own weight with household responsibilities?
Does he understand and respect personal boundaries?
When by himself, does he act like an adult or like a little boy? (A friend of my mother's swears by this one.)
Can he keep up with me intellectually and professionally?
If the answers are right to these, there's not a whole lot to worry about.
39. Katrece said the following at 7:37 AM on Oct 17:
39
Let me preface these nexts words by saying that God causes all things to work together for good, despite mistakes or willful disobedience.
Aren't we all missing a very important question worth listing? "Is God leading me to marry this Christian man? Is it His will for this covenant to be established between Him, myself, and this guy?"
I know, a lot of people think God doesn't want them to marry a specific person. But God's perfect and permissive will is shown all throughout scripture. Think about God sovereignly choosing Mary to carry Christ in her womb.
Here's another example. God chose one woman to bear the promised child. Despite Sarah's suggestion, and Abraham's actions to make it happen, Ishmael was not the promised child. God let it happen, but it wasn't part of His perfect will. Every person involved faced consequences. If you don't believe me, read Gen. 13:14-16, 15:2-4,& parts of chapters 16 & 17.
That's what happens when people, especially including myself, decide that God's taking too long (in many aspects of our lives). We take matters into our own hands. The thought pattern often is something like this: "Well God, I really want to get married. My clock is ticking, I don't have much time left before the batteries die (lol). He's a great guy. I know he's got some issues he must deal with before he marries me or anyone else. But those aren't really that big of a deal! We all sin... Being addicted to porn isn't a deal-breaker. He'll change." Or, "I know we have hugely different opinions on some important issues (practicing our faith, number of children, etc.), but they won't cause a lot of conflict."
Thankfully, we serve a loving, merciful God that, "causes all things to work together for good (Rom. 8:28)..." But there are always consequences for our actions. I'm single and waiting for God's choice for a mate, not mine. God knows me better than I know myself!
40. Andrea-Elena said the following at 10:08 AM on Oct 17:
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Leah,
Yes, I did mean "out of his parents' home." And I forgot that the readership here is largely in their 20s. (I am almost 33.)
No, I'm not saying wait for a guy who has purchased his own home. That's a pretty narrow criterion; I think you'd agree!
Of course, for the pre-25 crowd, I would say "renting" --- alone or with roommates --- whatever form the abode takes (condo, garden apartment, duplex, cottage, larger house, whatever). Or is he at least making strides towards moving out of the parents' home?
Men around my age and older are more likely than 20-somethings to own their own homes. It's not a requirement, certainly.
I currently rent an apartment and don't plan on buying till I am married. I wouldn't mind that he also be a renter and the first home we buy together would be the first home-purchase for both of us. And we wouldn't have to buy right away.
The issue isn't merely that he is in a home outside of his parents' home. It's one element in a larger picture of his current financial stability, his financial trajectory, and his trajectory of making adult decisions without clinging to his parents' opinions in a codependent way. For a younger 20-something, parental involvement still remains a bit. For a 30-something, too much dependency on parental input is a yellow flag at the least. (The issue has spiritual, emotional, and social implications, not merely financial.)
Make sense?
41. Dan ^real-name^ said the following at 10:38 AM on Oct 17:
41
Let's remember that this and the previous post about lists are ONE person's list, not an absolute pass/fail list, as the post authors have stated.
Also, let's remember that being getting married doesn't mean you will live in a 3-car garage fortress of a home in the spick and span suburbs with your shiny white 2.4 kids and your 6-figure income (as opposed to having the gift of celibacy, where you "live in a run down mud hut in the middle of nowhere and have 6 diseases because you have the gift of celibacy").
I am using this caricature to give my 2 cents to the many comments here about money and expectations of your future spouse. Here is what I mean: many of you who will get married may never make alot of money in your lifetime, and yet you will still have a successful marriage. Some of you may never own a home (the "American Dream" is not in the Bible), and some of you may end up living in a trailer home most of your days, and still end up with a strong marriage and good kids.
Some of you may end up being married and serving as missionaries to some foreign country where the idea of working 9-5 M-F and mowing the lawn on Saturday's and watching football on Sunday's, while your wife hauls the kids around to soccer/ballet/etc practice between trips to Target is a totally foreign concept.
Some of you may end up getting married and your husband will suffer ill health and you WILL have to do some work to make ends meet. Your spouse may suffer depression or dementia earlier than you would have expected, and you will still end up loving and serving your spouse because you vowed on your wedding day to love them until death. Your spouse's depression may never go away, and he may never earn a decent living, and you will still be there for him. Your wife may never lose that weight after her illness, and you will still love her.
You may reject a potential spouse because of their physical handicap, and later on you may end up being rejected by a potential spouse because of your lack of energy.
Some of you may end up marrying someone who has had a past (distant or not-to-distant) of promiscuity, partying, or extensive unemployment, and things will still end up all right in the end (or even sooner!). Some of you will end up marrying someone who takes medication for insomnia, anxiety, or depression. Some of you will marry someone who has problems with their anger.
Some of you will marry someone who doesn't know how to confront other people and you get frustrated because you don't understand why he/she won't speak up. Yet you are there every day with your spouse and you love him/her until death.
Most of you (including me) will FAIL someone's test, and you still are marriable. I don't say this to dismiss the importance of asking questions, but just to help us have a little perspective.
42. Katrece said the following at 10:39 AM on Oct 17:
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Oops... What I said in paragraph 3, post 39, might sound a little confusing. What I'm trying to convey is some people's idea that God doesn't care whom they marry as long as that person's a Christian.
43. Mike Theemling said the following at 11:27 AM on Oct 17:
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Suzanne,
I would speculate that Darren is pointing out that there can be an unintentional danger in doing "the checklist" in such a manner.
First of all, behind practically each and every question there is an unspoken "right" answer, and a "wrong" answer (e.g. "How do you handle anger?") Undoubtedly, the more questions you ask, the more likely you are going to get more "wrong" answers mixed in with "right" ones.
This can be a problem because psychology research shows that we remember negatives much more strongly and much longer than positives (that's why despite our outward distain for negative campaigning people still do it because it works). The result is that in spite a man having a lot of positives, he will most likely have a few negatives too and thus will most likely look worse than he may actually be.
If you don't believe me, what if you were to glance at this man's resume:
"Do you smoke?": No
"Do you drink?": No
"Have you struggled with porn?": Yes
"Do you have a gambling addiction?": No
...
...
Chances are your attention is now completely focused on that one wrong answer and you have ignored all the right ones. I'm not saying that porn isn't a serious issue, but essentially all the positives this guy had going for him just got forgotten.
Bottom line is that if you ask enough questions about someone's past long enough, chances are you'll find something about it that scares you. Maybe they were molested as a child. Maybe they tried marijuana. Maybe their voting patterns don't synch up with yours.
This checklist also can reinforce the "soulmate" mentality (which I largely believe is bunk) which women are more likely to have than men.
Rather than doing an exhaustive checklist, I'm more in favor of focusing on just a handful of non-negotiables (perhaps no more than 10). And those may be different for different people.
For example, here are a few of my non-negotiables for a spouse:
- A strong Believer ("strong" meaning puts Christ first in her life and has fruit to show it).
- Fairly intelligent (not necessarily formally educated)
- Financially responsible (someone who maxes out credit cards and can't pay them back the next month is out)
- Willing to resolve conflicts rationally (not going for the passive aggressive types or those who ignore the issues)
- Willing to put family before career
There may be a few more, but not too many more. And certainly, I have preferences about a myriad of other things. Personality, hobbies/interests, number of children, etc. but they aren't dealbreakers. Those will get meted out in time as I get to know her better or maybe it won't be as much of an issue as I thought it was going to be.
Just my thoughts on the matter.
44. Kellie said the following at 11:42 AM on Oct 17:
44
Andrea-Elena said "I can't imagine that a man whose intelligence is near my or surpasses it wouldn't have the earning potential to support his SAHM-wife and their kids."
I assure you that my husband and I are both of above-average intelligence....it doesn't necessarily translate into cash. Somehow insisting a guy has to make a certain amount of money (as in however much it takes to survive on one income) seems wrong to me and wasn't something I thought about while I was dating my husband. But I married him because I loved him, not because I wanted to be a wife and mom (those are just added benefits).
45. DannieA said the following at 12:07 PM on Oct 17:
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Andrea-Elena
Just a caution of throwing "out of parents home" blanket on all males.
Remember if you are hispanic or with another culture influence...being at home til you are married may be the cultural norm. Does not always mean that the male is not capable of making decisions and caring for his family!
Also, if a male is at home who is not renting or of hispanic decent...is he helping out with groceries and actually doing something or is he just mooching.
46. BDB said the following at 12:14 PM on Oct 17:
46
Leah (#36) wrote something I agree with:
>>I don't think it's good to bring out the worst in each other. I think it's good to learn to hold back. Not hold back information or emotions, but use self-control in the way you behave. <<
One thing I notice about successfully-married couples is that they almost never speak disrespectfully of their spouse to others. Even when they profoundly disagree.
Some friends of mine were having a business meeting when I showed up (the Bible study had been cancelled, but I didn't get the message.) They invited me to join their business meeting, since I'm a business person.
Well...it got uncomfortable. It turns out that four of the partners were having a showdown with the one other partner. From a business perspective, the four were right, but the other one was really upset. Her husband (one of the four) really tried to frame the conflict by saying that her heart was soft for people, which is generally good, but that was resulting in bad business decisions, which was true.
I've seen much, much nastier exchange when people bring out the worst in each other. Going nuclear results in divorce, not problem resolution.
47. Tami said the following at 1:16 PM on Oct 17:
47
Mike Theemling, I like what you have to say in your recent post.
I was starting to feel overburdened with all these questions... and couldn't quite put to words what I was thinking. You got it pretty close.
Except, of course, I'm a woman, so I differ on a few points, but nevertheless. ;)
I also agree with Katrece... I've held on to Romans 8:28 for a long time and totally believe that God is working (and has worked) all out for good. You have to use wisdom and not go in blindly, *and* seek God. Like I wrote elsewhere... who knows why God draws two people together? It might be so that one of them *matures* in his or her faith. Again, no one is a "project," and we are not another person's Holy Spirit, but this might be something to prayerfully consider.
48. Jo said the following at 1:42 PM on Oct 17:
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Dan in #41 -
awesome post.
49. BDB said the following at 1:49 PM on Oct 17:
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I agree with Katrece and Tami also.
If you're praying for "guidance," be prepared for the possibility that God might show you how you are asking the wrong questions.
"Are they kind?" should be one of the top ones - much more pleasant to live with a kind person.
50. nikki said the following at 2:59 PM on Oct 17:
50
I haven't read all the comments here, but I'd just like to point out that living with one's parents is no more evidence of immaturity than living on one's own is a sign of maturity. On the contrary, it can signify responsibility and a desire to save money. My boyfriend and I both moved back into our parents' homes over a year ago when our relationship began getting serious, in part because we wanted to save money for our future together. We've both saved thousands because we decided to make the sacrifice of living with our (wonderful Christian) families after we'd already moved out - and our families welcomed us back in a heartbeat. We both knew we were doing the right thing, and we both enjoyed living on our own but decided this would be okay for the season.
51. Andrea-Elena said the following at 3:22 PM on Oct 17:
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DannieA:
Good point. Since I am not Hispanic and do not come from a culture that has the expectations you describe, I didn't think of that. I certainly would take that into account when getting to know a man. Thanks for the reminder!
And I like how you put this:
Also, if a male is at home who is not renting or who is of Hispanic descent, is he helping out with groceries and actually doing something or is he just mooching?
You point out an important truth: there isn't merely one possible marker or even one set of markers to indicate that a man will be a good provider.
The point is to be observing and evaluating what you observe in his life as you get to know him, rather than glossing over things or dismissing issues. And that applies to any and all areas of life.
Kellie:
You brought up another good point. True: having the abilities necessary for earning a good salary doesn't always immediately translate into an opportunity to do so.
What I have been trying to illustrate is parity. Perhaps I've not done so effectively. Probably because I based my questions on my own filter for who would be compatible with me (and who I would be compatible for/with).
Yes, I did grow up middle class and couldn't imagine living in conditions less than what I do now. And this discussion has really shed light on the fact that most of my life I have expected (or hoped or whatever the word ought to be) certain things about what sort of profession my husband would be in.
But as God has shown me throughout my life as a Christian, I am discovering that my "standards" might be too short-sighted, too narrow. Not all of my standards, but some.
I think it's more important that he be a man of God with a kind-servant-hearted nature who is intelligent and humorous and driven to serve God in His kingdom... that I regard him as pretty amazing. =)
The financial issue is farther down the list. =)
I do admit: I'm not used to sacrificing much financially. And THAT is only one of many aspects about me about which a man would have to evaluate me! I too much like being comfortable. So yes, God has plenty of room to teach me MUCH, I'm sure you would agree. =)
What I will NOT compromise on is being home with my kids during their early-childhood years. This is non-negotiable. I want to marry a man who is as committed to that standard as I am for our family. It goes way beyond the issue of financials.
And having said that... I will say this:
The strong convictions a person holds -- be it the man or the woman who is holding them -- shouldn't be ignored. And it's a good thing to know BEFORE you begin dating/courting someone that you even have the convictions you have. I am grateful for the things God has shown me about myself and about Him during this time of singlehood. And many of those lessons I will not abandon merely to get "married" checked off my list.
I wish that most people valued stay-at-home-mom-ness as I and other folks do, but I know that they don't all share my opinions. I get that. What we do share is the belief that doing all that we can to raise our children in the admonition of the Lord is one of the most important things in life.
To those who read and to those who have responded to my comments, thanks! =)
52. Dan -real/name- said the following at 4:49 PM on Oct 17:
52
Nice post Mike Theemling #43!
Eharmony (no flames please anyone, just using it as a reference) uses the concept of "must-haves" and "can't stands", and if I remember correctly, you are only allowed 5 or 10 of each.
I would also like to say that when you reject someone because of a certain aspect of their life, be prepared to take it humbly if/when someone rejects you for something similar.
53. Charles H. said the following at 10:35 AM on Oct 18:
53
Mike T #43 - great post.
One non-negotiable that I don't think has been brought up yet: a prospective wife must show herself capable of committing to something and then following through on that commitment. Advanced academic studies (and graduating in a reasonable period of time), or prolonged full-time work (not a one-month stint somewhere), or military service. I had ignored warning signs and entered a serious relationship with someone who was in her 12th year of undergrad work. She had a long list of excuses about why this was, but the bottom line was that she'd commit to one course, change her mind, commit to another, and so on. Sure enough, she was pretty excited about the engagement and then changed her mind about that too.
On some level meeting a prospective spouse is like buying a used car. Honest, upfront disclosure of the good and the bad wins points. Too many stories = no sale.
54. Heidi said the following at 10:57 AM on Oct 18:
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Dan #41: Great post!
55. JJ said the following at 1:09 PM on Oct 18:
55
Tremendous post Dan (41), really puts it in perspective. I am in my late 20's, and I am starting to see that as I get older it is more likely someone I'm dating will have a history of some sort. The important thing is not where they've been, but the direction they're headed. I'm not a fan of asking the checklist questions straight out - if the relationship and communication is good most of them shouldn't have to be asked imo.
Regarding financial status - serious debt would be a character issue and that should be important, it certainly is to me. I by no means earn a lot, but I am pretty good with what I have. Being able to provide the necessities is also important, but beyond that if a woman doesn't think I earn enough that is on her, not me. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes that the deciding issue anyways.
56. Mike said the following at 4:42 PM on Oct 18:
56
You know, with all these lists...at what point do we get out the lie detector, the bare bulb, and the car battery with the naked wires?
And people wonder why men are gun-shy....
;-)
57. Robert H said the following at 7:13 PM on Oct 18:
57
I don't mean this to sound rude, but just from reading many of the female comments whose sole focus seems to be on the how much a man makes (which is odd considering the moral questions that need to be addressed) that most of you are single?
Let me give a few examples:
Adam sinned and caused death to enter the world.
Noah got drunk and passed out naked
Abraham lied and told people Sarah was his sister - putting her in jeopardy of being one of the Pharaoh's concubines.
Issac did the same as his father.
Jacob cheated Esau out of his birthright.
Moses was a murderer and disobeyed God which prevented him from entering the promised land.
David slept with another man's wife, knocked her up and had her husband killed to cover up the deed - this after being declared by God to be a "man after his own heart".
Solomon had over 400 wives.
Peter denied Jesus three times.
These men were all married. And these marriages were gifts from God.
I think before you start looking for the Spiritual and Financial Giants, you consider these biblical heroes for who they are.
58. Leah said the following at 8:45 PM on Oct 19:
58
Mike Theemling said This checklist also can reinforce the "soulmate" mentality (which I largely believe is bunk) which women are more likely to have than men.
Mmm... yes and no. I expand on this below.
Rather than doing an exhaustive checklist, I'm more in favor of focusing on just a handful of non-negotiables (perhaps no more than 10).
I don't think Suzanne was suggesting a potential spouse has meet your criteria (or that you *have* a criteria) for every single question. She's just saying that you should know the answer. Be aware, so that you know what issues you might face in the future.
So, in other words, she's not saying a guy must be able to say 'no' to "do you smoke" "do you drink" "have you used porn" "are you in debt" or whatever else. She's saying that you should know IF he has/ does smoke, drink, use porn, etc. So then you'll know. It's important to know these things. If you're someone who strongly believes you shouldn't use alcohol, you wouldn't want to end up married to someone who loves a glass of wine with dinner every so often, would you? Or if sexual sin particularly upsets you, you wouldn't want to find out 6 months into marriage that your spouse had a 4 year porn addiction, would you? Even if it didn't particularly upset you, (and you'd marry him/her whether they answered 'yes' or 'no'), it might still raise issues you and your spouse might have to work through. It is good to know this before you get married.
59. Sarah Riley said the following at 4:26 AM on Oct 20:
59
The main thing is, is he a strong Christian? (active & growing in the faith etc etc) this far outweighs anything else.
As to earning potential... Two things are important to me. 1) Is he kind? (This way I know he will always treat me right no matter our financial situation) 2) Is he intelligent/resourceful? (Then he should be able to figure out a way for us to survive, should the worst happen).
If these two criteria are satisfied, then I think it shouldn't matter how much money he earns/will earn (as long as he has been sensible (including being generous) with what he has had).
60. Jenn said the following at 8:10 AM on Oct 20:
60
I am thankful for post #41. As a 25-year-old with no marriage prospects, all of these lists, questions, requirements are overwhelming. Not so much in the sense that I won't find someone to meet them, but that I won't meet them for someone else. I'm a sinner. I have credit card debt. Although a virgin, there are still sexual sins that I struggle with. Sometimes I cuss, I've had too much to drink. I fail to pray, read my Bible daily. I may struggle with one or all for the rest of my life. I recognize all of these as sins and the need to seek forgiveness. And thankfully it is available.
In all of this, let's not forget beautiful redemption...and humility. We'll never have it all together and neither will the person we marry.
61. Kelly said the following at 8:33 AM on Oct 20:
61
Let me share a quick story.
I've recently met a man.
An older man, so he comes with a truckload of history that some might call 'baggage'.
But he loves the Lord, has a beautiful heart, and treats me kindly. There's no way I'm walking away just because he would fail some of the questions on the list!
I think... once you get past a certain age, the questions of 'children' and everything that goes along with it becomes less important. 'Cause if you've been waiting half your life for a spouse, all the things that seemed so important in your 20's just fade away.
62. Andrea-Elena said the following at 10:26 AM on Oct 20:
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nikki:
Good points. Other good reasons for living with one's parents, especially if the parents embrace the arrangment, are to (a) save money, (b) be a help to your parents, and (c) continue to grow in life skills under their mentorship.
In your case, both sides (the parents and the adult offspring) approached and lived out the situation in a God-honoring, healthy way, rather than a lazy, mooching (on the part of the offspring) way and a resentful (on the part of the parents) way. And what a particular blessing for you and your boyfriend that you both have such wonderful parents who are great examples to you! And I imagine your parents and his are blessed by you and your boyfriend! =) {May you and he continue to grow toward Christlikeness together, standing side by side!!}
Thank you for reminding us of this reality.
Which brings me to a realization that my questions are phrased (even framed in my mind?) in black-and-white terms rather than open-ended and "evaluating" in nature... I do see this process of getting to know and evaluating someone for marriage as a more organic and holistic thing than as my questions appear.
Make sense?
=)
Dan -real/name- :
Oh, definitely, one must be aware that others will reject you for a marriage prospect for one reason, or a set of reasons, or another, just as you reject various people as prospects. It is a selection process to some degree.
As you have stated, the key is humility. I would add teachability. To me, that means asking myself, Is the factor (set of factors) that this person rejected me for, something I can work on/fix/improve? Or is this person rejecting me for something that is inherent to who I am and therefore we aren't the fit that he/she was looking for?
We have to remember that no one is required to choose us for marriage and that the world isn't going to come to an end if THAT particular person says no.
The only rejection that really is "life and death" is rejecting Christ as Savior and Lord, so we believers can take heart. He chose us before we chose Him, and now we've chosen Him back. That's the most important choice of all.
Blessings, dear readers!
63. Andrea-Elena said the following at 3:19 PM on Oct 22:
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Robert H:
Be sure you have read thoroughly the entire comment post from each person who has participated in the financial aspect of this conversation. You will notice that financials are not our sole focus but is merely what we have chosen to focus on somewhat in this thread. (Many of us have mentioned other things in our comment posts.)
As I have said numerous times, each question or set of questions about a particular area in a person's life and about the compatibility strength of a couple does not exist in a vacuum, rather in the context of all the questions --- which really are just articulations of the observation process that many of us go through.
Some of us are more detail-oriented and more analytical and more linguistically expansive. (OK, I tend to be wordy!!) Others are more big-picture thinkers and linguistically concise. What you're seeing in this thread is an assortment of styles/preferences in thought processes.
That said... Your point brings up a thought... which probably needs its own thread to be fully fleshed out and explored.
The sins committed by the great "giants" of the Bible were done after they had already been married. Covenant says you stay in the marriage, even if the person commits a sin with huge consequences.
But what about when you are on the not-yet-married side of the situation... and the person has sinned greatly in the past?
We have the benefit of the whole counsel of Scripture and of knowing how those stories (the histories of the lives of the greats in the hall of faith) turned out... how God brought good, for the purpose of His glory, out of people's sinful choices.
But... how does a person know that thinking/believing this potential marriage candidate indeed is on the trajectory toward Christ and is not as likely to repeat the sin(s) of the past, is wisdom or folly?
I believe that you have to hold up the facts of the person's past alongside the evidence you have of what he/she is like - character-wise - in the present.
Even though Samson did end up glorifying God -- oddly so, in the end -- I would not have married a man with his history, after all the foolishness with Delilah.
And I am glad I was born in the 20th century and do not have to share my husband with 399 other women!! ;-)
64. Jessica said the following at 9:34 PM on Oct 22:
64
i am reading these questions as a happily married woman, so from a slightly different perspective than most reader... And I think they are great!!!!
I think you must know these things.
And as to the pornography issue... yes, sexual sin is a struggle for men. I am married to a godly man who loves God and loves me and desires to be pure, but he has to fight temptation all day long. One way he fights it is by making sure every computer he uses has a filter. He does not know the passwords to the filters. Another thing he does is allow me to say no to a particular movie or show. If I don't think he should watch it, he doesn't. He does not use pornography, but we're not going to be so foolish to think that it couldn't become a temptation... the filter prevents so many images from coming through that could be a temptation.
So I would suggest not just asking about porn use (because statistics show almost all men have intentionally viewed it) but also asking, "What are you doing to fight for purity? Who is holding you accountable? Are you open to a filter?"
No, we should not judge for past sins, but we must ask what a potential spouse is doing to fight temptation to sin more.
65. Mike Theemling said the following at 10:49 AM on Oct 24:
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Leah (#8 / #58) you said:
"If you're someone who strongly believes you shouldn't use alcohol, you wouldn't want to end up married to someone who loves a glass of wine with dinner every so often, would you?...Even if it didn't particularly upset you, (and you'd marry him/her whether they answered 'yes' or 'no'), it might still raise issues you and your spouse might have to work through. It is good to know this before you get married."
I agree, but that was my point. If drinking is one of your "non-negotiables" then by all means it should be asked eventually.
However, to reiterate, this can be taken too far. Suzanne's friend had 20+ questions to ask. If they were ALL deal-breaker questions, I would argue she's going to have a very small pool of men to choose from. Even if as I suspect a lot of them aren't deal breakers, why raise them up except to make a guy (or girl) look worse than he actually may be? As you said, they can be issues that "you and your spouse might have to work through". Frankly, just about any issue can turn into that. Someone's favorite sport's team. Whether or not they snore. If they prefer automatic or stick. It's futile to try to anticipate everything. That's why I suggested it's best for someone to choose a handful of "can't stands/must haves" (borrowing from the eHarmony trademark) and then go from there. With time and wisdom, someone will "get a feel" for a potential mate and asking specific questions won't be as important.
66. Dan (real name!) said the following at 4:25 PM on Oct 24:
66
I believe it is also good to ask YOURSELF, "is this something (this aspect of him/her) I can live with for the rest of our lives, even if it never changes?" Some of you may say "it is not 'can I live with', but 'do I choose to live with'". So try that wording instead.
67. Robert H said the following at 8:57 PM on Oct 24:
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Andrea-Elena:
You missed my point entirely, but at the same time gave a good insight for the men reading this.
You can try to defend it but most Christian women see affluence as a sign of spiritual maturity in a man. So if I am not well off, then I am not as spiritually mature as my better off brethren.
Second, don't think that because these men of the bible sinned after they were married changes anything. Remember, God knows the future and every relationship is a risk. If you want a perfect guy who never sinned and won't ever in the future, then say hello to monasticism.
As a guy, I get tired for being under such a microscope. I am judged by women all day long who never actually bother to get to know me or consider whether or not THEY would be worthy of ME.
I look for a woman who has a relationship with Christ and no matter what her past, can agree to certain things in our relationship, like abstinence, communication, commitment (which is a real biggie these days for guys).
I don't look for whether or not she goes to college or has been, but I do look to see if she has her own life or if she is just looking for a man to take care of her.
She doesn't have to be a brainiac, but she does have to be able to carry an intelligent conversation. She needs to be affectionate and encouraging.
With all of that said, it is most likely that the woman I marry will fail in many of those points. But I don't think women want to hear that. You never hear a sermon on godly women.
I can't do anything about having never sinned, but I do work on my behavior now, though that is theologically inaccurate. But I may never be rich or well to do, so I guess that counts me out.