Single and Needy
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 09/29/2008 at 9:25 AM
A few weeks ago, I bought a new TV. My 19-inch and I were pretty happy together, but there were a few drawbacks. My house is never the place to watch movies with friends—even though I have a cozy TV room. And my college-aged roommate once blurted: "I hate our TV." (She was having a bad day.)
And so, I finally decided to upgrade. With the new TV came the hassle of dealing with the cable company for the right hook-ups. Of course, everything that could go wrong did, and as the cable representative became my new best friend, I found myself thinking, I shouldn't have to deal with this!
Finally, I asked a male friend to stop by after work to take a look at the connecting cables. Predictably, my roommate and I had hooked them up incorrectly. Problem solved.
Several of my single female friends have disclosed their own unwelcome hassles: spiders, car troubles, broken appliances. As single women, we've all had moments where we've had to ask others to bail us out. Author Stephanie Voiland asks: "Does Being Single Make Me High Maintenance?"
For the second time in two days, I found myself staring at the contact list on my phone, trying to figure out who would be least inconvenienced by a call from a stranded motorist—or more accurately, a homebound motorist. Thankfully, I found someone who was willing to help me, and the repair was minor (my diagnosis was right: it wasn't the windshield wiper fluid). But mixed in with my gratitude at having wheels again was a certain sense of indebtedness. I couldn't shake my feeling of guilt that once again I'd needed to be bailed out.
I've come to realize that sometimes it's a blessing to others when you allow them to help you. Sure, it might be an inconvenience, but it gives them the opportunity to serve. And it's a two-way street:
As I wrestle with my fear of being a burden, though, it occurs to me that maybe the very thing that makes me feel high maintenance—my single-woman status—might be what enables me to be there for my community in ways I wouldn't be able to otherwise. I may not be able to change my friends' tires for them, but I can go to their house at the last minute to watch their kids in an emergency. I can use my vacation days to help a nonprofit organization in a third-world country. I can get involved somewhere in the evening without fear of interfering with the family dinner.
Dependence is a driving force in the Body of Christ. It's the world that tells women they must be independent. Voiland concludes:
So I suppose when it comes down to it, I am high maintenance. But then again, in one way or another, maybe we're all high maintenance. And perhaps that's not such a bad thing. In fact, that very well may be how God planned it all along, so we'd have to acknowledge our need for each other and our need to live interdependently. The apostle Paul puts it this way: "We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other" (Romans 12:5).
Neediness is good. Everyone is dependent on Christ for salvation, and He has designed us to be dependent on each other as well. So go ahead, let someone bail you out. It will be your turn, soon enough.
1. Rachael said the following at 10:19 AM on Sep 29:
It really is nice when someone comes to the rescue. Just last night I got a flat tire, or the culmination of it as I was driving along the freeway. Not too long after I pulled to the side of the road, a kind stranger stopped by and changed my tire for me. And my dad wasn't far and he stopped by as well. I may have learned how to change a tire before, and I've had a flat tire before (and then too someone came to the rescue), but, it was really nice that help was nearby last night, and I may not have been able to do it on my own.
There are some areas in which help is quite nice.
Spiders are alluded to in this blog post.
I have a question. Is there an effective way of capturing a huge spider that doesn't involve close proximity or touching and where the spider can be freed? Though honestly I prefer death to the big spider or creature over peaceful co-existence under the same roof, you gotta admire the 'save the insect' mentality. And they were made by God...that said, if I saw a gigantic spider high on my wall, and there was no one around to come to the rescue, I'd be attempting to get it with some kind of spray or something...brutal, but...
2. Joshua said the following at 10:29 AM on Sep 29:
This attitude is not confined to the demographic of single woman. I'm a male, married, 28, father of two and struggle with the same thing. Do I call family or friends for help. I should do the 'manly' thing and be able to figure it out but this is not always the case. Our church has helped change the way I hesitate in asking for help. The body is just that, a body. We need each other at various times. Contrast that with my sometimes unwillingness to inconvenience myself in order to help others who have asked for help. Pride and selfishness.
3. Wes said the following at 11:31 AM on Sep 29:
Suzanne:
Please do not portray single people as being needier than the rest. I'm a 50 year old single man who has to solve his own problems whether they be car, house, or personal. If my car breaks down on the freeway then I call AAA. That's why we have insurance. If I need a house or appliance repair then I call a repair person or do it myself. As a single man, I'm just as resourceful and capable as anyone else.
Please stop pushing co-dependence and act like an adult.
4. Helkias said the following at 11:34 AM on Sep 29:
I agree totally with the article you cite. All I'll say is I think the worst advice you can give anyone (man/woman/single/married) is to be independent.
5. David Rudel said the following at 11:36 AM on Sep 29:
I wouldn't go so far as to say that "being needy is good," but I definitely agree with "I've come to realize that sometimes it's a blessing to others when you allow them to help you."
This happens all the time with my mom who, even though I'm 32 years old, still wants to do things for me. I realize I'm doing both of us a favor when I accept such things.
6. Merly M. said the following at 11:39 AM on Sep 29:
Suzanne, this is a great piece! My younger years in college, in a city other than home, were filled with memorable times of living "in need" as both a student and a single female. I never had a car until my senior year, so for the first few years it was all about trying to divide up the call list. Who would take me to church, to get groceries, and to the eye doctor when my contacts got stuck behind my eye? (Yes, that was a classic moment.) You would think my friends would have started their own Do Not Call registry, but thankfully this wasn't the case! During the last year or so that I had my car, it was my chance to give back to so many others. I loved being reminded that "We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other" (Romans 12:5).
Sadly, our culture has left many of us, especially Christians, jaded, and instead we often hold a different perspective. It's often about "me, my family, and I", but let's pray that our hearts would be softened.
7. mh said the following at 11:54 AM on Sep 29:
I remember being close to tears the day I needed to move my piano into my apartment. I prayed hard for 2 days that the Lord would provide someone to help me, called and emailed everyone I could think of, and finally found two friends who were off work on that Thursday morning. It was a really humbling experience, yet taught me so much about God's faithful provision for me.
8. Cliff said the following at 11:59 AM on Sep 29:
Interesting post...
I don't think it is wrong to be depending to one another. What I notice lately, or myself, perhaps is that I choose to be independent. I am so and so. I graduated. I can do this on my own. I don't need anyone's help.
Perhaps it is a mix of pride, ego and culture of self help. We are created to depend on each other. Most of all, we are created to depend on Him.
9. Bob said the following at 12:23 PM on Sep 29:
Dependence goes both ways, I've noticed. A few weeks ago, a female friend's truck broke down, and since she didn't know how to fix it, I repaired it. On the other hand, I don't know the first thing about cooking good food, so she cooked me an amazing meal to thank me for getting her truck back on the road. We both thought we got the better end of that deal! =)
10. Lelanie Robberts said the following at 1:16 PM on Sep 29:
Thanks, this post gave me some perspective and confirmed a few things the Lord is showing me the past few days. I often struggle with my own "neediness" and I hate to feel that I'm inconveniencing others. But the truth is that we were not designed to function on our own and that we were made to be part of God's family.
I watced a dvd yesterday by Joyce Meyer on humility and she said at one stage that humble people are not afraid to accept or ask for help. They are willing to realize that they have weaknesses like everyone else and they cannot always do everything on their own. They other side of the coin is not to be too pre-occupied with our weaknesses, but to realize we have some strengths that can benefit others.
We must learn to give as well as to receive - well, that's true for me in any case... And thankfully,God reminds me often that His grace is enough for me - especially when I'm feeling weak and needy!
May the grace, love and protection of God be the covering of all single women who's reading this - be blessed.
11. BDB said the following at 1:25 PM on Sep 29:
Yes, there's a lot to be said for teamwork. Gives people a role to play when they can make a contribution.
12. Carrie (the original) said the following at 1:33 PM on Sep 29:
"I may not be able to change my friends' tires for them, but I can go to their house at the last minute to watch their kids in an emergency. I can use my vacation days to help a nonprofit organization in a third-world country. I can get involved somewhere in the evening without fear of interfering with the family dinner."
Amen and Amen!
There is nothing that makes me more content in singleness than when someone calls me up for a babysitting emergency. Often, I am able to drop what I am doing and go serve. I am always thankful when that happens.
While I do desire a spouse and am working towards marriage, I am grateful that I am able to serve people in an emergency.
Also, when I took "vacation" this summer I was able to be available to (church) people in ways that I can't usually be available. Even though I was busy, it was a true respite from my "normal" life.
13. Kirsten E said the following at 2:08 PM on Sep 29:
Thank you for posting this Suzanne! I have often felt frustrated at my dependence on others and my inability to completely take care of myself, and this is an encouraging reminder of what it means to be part of one body.
Many times, asking for help is a necessary part of putting selfishness to death in our lives.
14. Becky said the following at 2:53 PM on Sep 29:
"I shouldn't have to deal with this"
I lived on my own for 15 years before I married last year and that statement never once popped into my head. My husband is now in Iraq for a year and yesterday as I was cleaning up the yard and ::gasp:: getting the cars ready for winter (we live in Alaska) I thought to myself - Wow this feels good. As much as I love what my husband does for me and us it felt really good knowing that I still had what it took to take care of myself. Dependence is fine, to a point but all to often we teach women that they need a man to survive/get by/fix things/kill spiders whatever and that is wrong!
15. Rachael Starke said the following at 3:20 PM on Sep 29:
Suzanne - Great points. And the need for a great community of home/tech maintenance people is one that goes on throughout life. Because there are no guarantees about what kind of skills your spouse will bring to a marriage, or that they will always be there when you're in immediate need, I always encourage single people to learn as they ask. And same goes for us marrieds, too. I used to try and do this out of sinful pride ("Well, I'm going to learn how to do this myself, and BETTER, so that next time I won't need a man to do it for me!" Ick.)Now I do it because as my husband's workload increases (thank you so much Congress), the more little chores I can do around the house, the shorter his "HoneyDo" list becomes.
16. Dan said the following at 5:25 PM on Sep 29:
Completely missing the point, and derailing the topic:
Why do Christians buy cable? Isn't broadcast bad enough?
17. KK said the following at 5:35 PM on Sep 29:
I ALWAYS feel like I am using my guy friends for things around the house!
(Though I use my sisters quite often as well)
I live with 5 other college women, and fortunately for us, 4 college men from our church live next door (and recently 2 of them have become engaged to 2 of my roommates) so we always have men to move pianos, bookshelves and refrigerators, "unstick" doors and drawers, sharpen our kitchen knives, clean up the occasional squished road kill that ends up in the driveway, and put up Christmas lights/drive us places in snow storms, etc.
We have tried and TRIED to help our male friends.... but it seems harder to help them; they don't usually need us girls in the same sort of way. So far the nicest thing "we" seem to have done for the menfolk has been providing them with two of our lovely roommates to marry!
18. Leah said the following at 5:39 PM on Sep 29:
I don't think single women are any more needy or high maintenance than married women. It's just that married women have someone already prepared to come bail them out if they need it.
19. khalil said the following at 6:30 PM on Sep 29:
This also works for guys too. I am extremely grateful for a close family that has "adopted" me in the town I am currently in...I am even able to live with them as I prepare to move to Beirut. Learning to allow people to help me has been a big thing in my life, I am quite independent and prefer to help others, I hate being needy or helped. What I have learned is that by allowing people to help me I am allowing them to express the gifts and talents God has blessed them with.
20. Louise, 42 said the following at 9:05 PM on Sep 29:
This may be considered off-topic, but it's quite wise to join a motor club like AAA in case you get stranded.
Even if you know how to change a flat tire, you might not wish to do so in sub-zero degree weather, prefering rather to be towed to an indoor location.
Now re singles and "neediness"...all of us are needy to a certain extent, women as well as men, married people as well as single people.
I myself find it difficult to accept help from people....it just makes me feel awkward.
21. S said the following at 3:28 AM on Sep 30:
I agree with what you're saying, but I think "needy" is the wrong word. For me, it's not that I need to be "needy", but more like "humble".
22. Marcia said the following at 5:04 AM on Sep 30:
Being married doesn't make you any less needy. Don't assume that every potential husband can fix all the electrical/mechanical problems that you can't. That's what professionals are for.
Oh, and everyone who drives a car should know how to change a tyre. "Interdependence is good" is no excuse for laziness.
23. Nickolina said the following at 7:01 AM on Sep 30:
Amen, amen. We are all part of the Body and need each other!
24. James said the following at 7:55 AM on Sep 30:
There's a difference between being a woman who needs maintenance and being a woman who is "high maintenance."
I guess it's assumed among us guys that women need maintenance and that that is not a bad thing or something to be avoided. I say this because we place the term "high maintenance" (a term which included an adjective) on women who need more "maintenance" than is seen as being necessary. So, don't be high maintenance in that you shouldn't be overly emotionally clingy (like needing affirmation and approval for every little thing) or materially needy (like borrowing money for everything or blowing money all the time on shopping trips), but that doesn't mean you should feel guilty about needing a tire changed or needing help setting up a new TV.
We guys LIKE helping you in these situations where you need help. It's what we're good at and designed to do. So, y'all needing "maintenance" is just part of how God created you; just like how we guys are created to need something or someone to "maintain." Fits like a hand in a glove, and I don't mean OJ =p.
25. Khalil said the following at 8:47 AM on Sep 30:
Wes:
I am a single male and in my 30's. Nowhere did I perceive in Suzanne's post that we (singles) are needier than the rest. Yes...I agree that is what AAA, insurance, etc is for. Yes...we are often forced, usually at the hands of necessity, to be more resourceful than families/couples.
If I get the intent of Suzanne's post she is not pushing co-dependence in the negative sense. She is rather pointing out that we need each other and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing immature or un-adult in how she presented this. If I have a friend that can help me with X (in one example Suzanne used it was cable connections) why would I want to call up a repair man and rack up a bill for something that probably will take my friend minutes to work out? At some point it will be my turn to assist someone else. It is my thought that by asking a knowledgeable friend to help out with a task or problem is a very adult thing to do, it is a sign of being a good steward as well as allowing a fellow brother or sister in Christ to be a blessing.
I am not sure how to take that last line in your post, "Please stop pushing co-dependence and act like an adult." Did you take this piece as whining or an exhortation for fellow Christians to support and co-exist with one another. The spirit of fellowship, community, and helping one another can be reference by looking at Acts 2:42-47. We're the early Christians "co-dependent"?
26. Leeandra said the following at 9:03 AM on Sep 30:
@Rachel (#1)--Don't know a good way to catch spiders, though unless you're allergic to spiderbite or the spider is poisonous, I'd let it be. Spiders don't attack unless provoked and they're (with good reason) much more afraid of you than you are of them. They also eat mosquitoes and flies, which carry FAR more diseases than spiders do. It moved into your house to do you a favor!
But if you want to kill one, what's better than Raid is a Flyshooter--it looks like a toy gun with a target-shaped flyswatter on the end. Looks silly, and my stepmom bought it for me as a joke, but it works pretty good on all sorts of creepy crawlies. You can get one for a couple of bucks at the Bass Pro Shop or online. And your house doesn't smell like bug spray.
27. Suzanne said the following at 9:11 AM on Sep 30:
Obviously the word "needy" carries lots of negative connotations. But when a person strives to never be in need, I think she misses out on the blessings of Christ's Body.
Wes, I'm not saying singles are more needy. I am saying that I am more in need than I like to admit. Plus, I'm sure you'd agree that a single woman is more vulnerable in some ways than a single guy.
28. a sassy sister said the following at 9:13 AM on Sep 30:
I think there needs to be further clarification on "neediness" described here. If we are arguing that as Christians we are not islands to ourselves and highlighting the importance, need and illustration of the body as community and family, then great. But "neediness" as a word choice invokes someone who goes simply beyond a person depending on others for a need in one particular area in their lives. While our total dependence and trust is to be in the Lord, there is a difference between asking someone for help and looking to people as the answer to life's problems.
29. Jeni said the following at 9:51 AM on Sep 30:
Instead of “high maintenance”, I prefer to think that we are created as inter-dependent beings. Just this last weekend, I was in a predicament of rather extreme proportions and I NEEDED a lot of help.
I was driving back to town from an afternoon walking in the golden Aspen colored mountains with a friend, when a brilliantly clear, double rainbow caught my eye. I pulled over to attempt to capture God’s creativity in a picture. After I stopped, I noticed that the shoulder was quite narrow. AND there was a deep, narrow ditch exceptionally close to my right front tire. It was a precarious position. It seemed likely if I pulled forward, I could end up on the right side of my vehicle in the ditch. I decided to back up and my right front tire went into the ditch. The left rear tire was feet up off the ground. It was a high, long jump from the driver’s seat to the road below. I had no cell phone service, no one with me and I was nervous. What could I do by myself? I put it into 4-wheel drive and attempted to reverse out again to no avail. Praise God that HE sent along several strangers with big trucks, tow straps and chains. They were able to pull me out and I made it home safely. (It does appear as though my vehicle needs an alignment…)
I am so thankful for people who help “high maintenance” women. I pray that those who helped me Saturday will be abundantly blessed for their acts of service. Someday, I’ll be given the opportunity to step up and help someone, and I plan to take that opportunity.
30. k. said the following at 10:13 AM on Sep 30:
Rachael #1 - It depends on your definition of close proximity.
An easy way is just get a wineglass and some stiff paper. Put the glass over the spider, gradually slide the paper underneath the glass-and-spider combo, and chuck the spider outside. Easy and mess-free.
(If you're teetotal, any glass will do -- I just like the wineglass option because it's easier to manipulate.) :)
31. BDB said the following at 10:58 AM on Sep 30:
Rachael (#1) wrote:
>>I have a question. Is there an effective way of capturing a huge spider that doesn't involve close proximity or touching and where the spider can be freed?<<
Well, if you could get it to crawl onto a mop, you could then take the mop outside and shake it off. You'd need to talk the spider into cooperating...
32. Jo said the following at 11:03 AM on Sep 30:
I used to be quite hesitant to ask for help with heavy lifting and stuff, not because I want to be 'independent' but because I know if someone asked me for help with those kinds of things I'd hate doing it - so I feel bad making someone do it for me.
But I'm learning recently that not everyone is like me, and actually a lot of guys are very happy to help with these things. When my flatmate and I moved out of our flat, her boyfriend helped us both with a lot of the boxes and you could just tell that not only was it not a hard task for him at all, but he absolutely RELISHED being in the 'strong man' role. So yes, in conclusion I agree: to give other people the opportunity to help you with something you find difficult but they find easy can often a mutual blessing. And it's what the body of Christ is all about, really. :)
33. Sylvia said the following at 11:36 AM on Sep 30:
Wes, thank you for your insightful recommendation that we throw more of our bountiful money at things rather than asking for help. So appropriate in this time prosperity.
I know that was really sarcastic, but as a single WOMAN trying to get by, that is just a huge weight of condemnation on me right now. I'm sorry I'm not a big old handy man with a lot of money. I really do hate to need help. What am I supposed to do, curl up into a ball and disappear?
34. Rachael said the following at 11:46 AM on Sep 30:
Thanks guys for the suggestions! The only time I had actual bug spray was for cockroaches in Japan (and some or all of them fly!), though I've probably used cleaning spray for spiders before in the US. The mop suggestion is good and closer to my idea of far proximity then the glass and paper approach, but maybe if I start with a mop/broom (but at the moment I don't have a long-handled broom or own a mop :) ) and become more comfortable with that I can graduate to the glass and paper level. Thanks again!
35. Wes said the following at 1:17 PM on Sep 30:
Khalil:
Yes, my last line about "stop pushing or promoting co-dependence" meant to stop depending on others to solve your problems. I have no idea whether the early Christians were co-dependent or not. Maybe they needed to be to survive, but we don't live in their world and they don't live in ours. Christian or not, the more resourceful and capable you are the better you will fare. Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest" is basically true.
36. IMO said the following at 1:56 PM on Sep 30:
#35
Eek!
I'm glad my husband doesn't have that mentality.
37. Stephanie Voiland said the following at 2:12 PM on Sep 30:
Rachael #1: The end of my story: I ended up vacuuming up the spider with the extension hose...I'm pretty sure that's not the recommended method, but it worked in a pinch. =-)
38. DannieA said the following at 2:27 PM on Sep 30:
all spiders are evil and must die! eeeek I hate spiders and now that I live by myself, I can't call daddy to come take care of them for me, so I sympathize.
39. Tami said the following at 2:28 PM on Sep 30:
How 'bout a Bug Vac?
40. BDB said the following at 3:12 PM on Sep 30:
Dan (#16) wrote:
>>Why do Christians buy cable? Isn't broadcast bad enough?<<
Do you mean besides Fox News? (Or ESPN?)
Frankly, if you look at the 8 Discovery Channels, the six History Channels, and the various A&E channels, it's quite easy to get lost in quality programming and NEVER watch the garbage on broadcast.
And then there's the guide and the DVR. Frankly, it's worth it just for that. It's easy to record the worthwhile programs and go on with life without caring when something might be on TV. I can't count the number of times I did something on a whim, came home and the little record light was on, and I couldn't remember what I was recording. When things air are now only relevant in terms of setting up the recording.
By the way, in February all analog TV's become useless unless you have cable or satellite. Broadcasts all go digital.
41. BDB said the following at 3:26 PM on Sep 30:
While in general I think spiders are 'good' bugs, around here there are lots of Black Widows, which are quite poisonous. I also had an employee get big by a brown recluse spider once - had to go to the hospital.
Keep in mind that ant spray doesn't work on spiders. You need spider spray. Also handy is wasp spray. I had a bunch of wasps build a next on a door from the garage to the back yard. I came back after two weeks, opened the door - and immediately got stung twice on the face. The build those nests high.
Unfortunately, I'm a tad allergic. Right before an outdoor BBQ, too.
Needless to say, wasps were not welcome at the BBQ, so I emptied a can of wasp spray into the nest. One came after me. Hitting an angry wasp in mid-air attack is a bit of a challenge. You have to "lead" it, just like a bird...
I think you could also get a gecko and let it run around to take care of the bugs...
42. Leah said the following at 5:18 PM on Sep 30:
Wes- the early church was most definitely dependent on each other. Do you not remember the 7 appointed by the apostles for feeding the widows and the fatherless? Many of the apostles stayed in other people's houses, too. Paul had assistance as he escaped a city in a basket over a wall...
Yes, we should be resourceful. But the point is, not everyone can do everything. And like Sylvia suggested, it's actually quite unwise to simply throw money at a job if you have a friend willing to do it for free- especially if you're a college student or recent graduate with not a lot of money.
If I were a single girl moving house with a bunch of guy friends all willing to help move, why should I reject them in favour of paying hundreds of dollars for removalists? That's just stupid.
43. Dan said the following at 6:15 PM on Sep 30:
@BDB: DVRs/guides are available for broadcast, as are digital receivers for analog sets. I'm well aware of all the technology involved.
But, this is a losing battle. Quite frankly, I can't imagine supporting all the lewd programming that directly (at least with broadcast, if you don't watch it, you're not supporting it), but perhaps I'm just weird that way.
At any rate, I'm not sure I even care to watch any broadcast. I haven't in some time. I use TVs for movies. And not because I don't have ample broadcast channels; I simply don't have any desire to (or time--TV is one of the nastiest time-sinks in existence).
The most productive thing to watch on TV is news, and that can be found quite easily online. But, I realize everyone is different and absorbs things in different ways. I don't think watching live TV is inherently evil, I just think Christians should think about what they support more than they generally do.
For me, buying cable would be a bad use of my time, a temptation to watch things I shouldn't, and supporting what I believe is immoral. I personally can't do that.
44. Rachael said the following at 8:17 PM on Sep 30:
Stephanie, ha ha! :) Way to go. Maybe in the future there will be some kind of device with an extension hose that releases them outside...
45. Lynne said the following at 9:17 PM on Sep 30:
To Rachael (sorry off neediness/on spiders)
While I second all the other suggestions, my first thought is to make the spider (or any other bug) be still. It is important to me that while I find the wineglass/paper/Raid/fly shooter, the wretched arachnid remain where it is.
Thus,
Aquanet to the rescue! Seriously, a little aerosol can (though pump will do) of some seriously cheap hairspray will keep the bug from moving, and generally doesn't stain whatever you're spraying.
I really have no desire to keep bugs in my house alive, or to return them to the great outdoors, so in this area I have NO mercy.
For all those animal/arachnid lovers who are offended I'm sorry.
L
46. Jennifer said the following at 1:40 AM on Oct 1:
re: spiders... am chuckling because I have tried ALL of those spider capture-release and kill approaches, except the Flyshooter from the Bass Pro Shop... which I may have to swing by and pick up sometime in the very near future! Rest assured that if you do all these things enough times, you will become largely desensitized to those disgusting arachnids (e.g. that "see and scream" reflex will diminish to almost nothing) and one day you'll be able to pick up anything hard (high heeled shoe, small book, ruler, etc.) and easily do the swat-and-kill maneuver without so much as blinking an eyelid. :-)
But I am also really really really grateful to my brawny brothers in Christ who lift, build and fix things for me... there are just some things I'm not very skilled at doing, or don't have the physical strength to do (like lift the full-size spare out of my trunk) and it warms my heart that we have strong enough communities that men are willing to step up to the plate and volunteer to help their sisters in Christ who perhaps don't have the physical strength or training to know how to do certain kinds of tasks. I notice that it really gives men an opportunity to operate in their God-given role as protector and provider, affirms their masculine identity, and helps us ladies who would otherwise be pretty much independent to appreciate men anew (let's face it, if you've got money, you can pay for anything to get done... sometimes our independence makes us forget why men are even necessary, aside from sex and procreation). It is really healthy and good to be reminded how God created men and women to complement each other, to support and encourage each other, and to need each other's unique strengths.
I have to confess though, that even today, as I was thinking about my move to a new city (scheduled for next week), I found myself cringing internally as it dawned on me how much help I will actually need to accomplish the practical details. While driving to Sam's Club, the term "high maintenance woman" crossed my mind, and for a moment, a strong sense of shame and guilt flooded over me. Fortunately, Holy Spirit spoke into my feelings of self-condemnation, and the Lord reminded me that He created me just the way I am, for a reason, and that I am perfectly made in His eyes. How reassuring to know that He created me to be a fairly traditional woman, to have areas of feminine weakness and vulnerability, and areas of need that men often don't have (or perhaps feel like they have less of)... and it is not just "okay" that I was created to be a woman with these characteristics, it's actually very good! That is the word of the Lord - not just for me, but for all you ladies out there who need to know how He sees your need. :-)
So thank you Suzanne for this piece - reading it reinforced what the Lord has been impressing on my heart since this afternoon.
And mighty blessings to all who have blogged! Please do lift up a prayer that I would have a super smooth and easy move, and that the Lord would bring all the help - male and female! - that I will need next week.
47. Lady Akofa said the following at 4:48 AM on Oct 1:
A simple thing as zipping up at the back of your dress... you certainly need another person to do that. :) But the fact remains, we need people to help us out from time to time, single or married.
48. Wes said the following at 8:57 AM on Oct 1:
Sylvia:
I didn't mean to condemn.
No, you don't curl up and die. There are lots of things you can do.
Lowe's and Home Depot offer Home Repair Seminars for free on Saturdays. They will teach you to do basic repairs like replacing a faucet, light fixtures, and other low cost repairs. Sometimes they may come to you house for free.
Believe me, I know. After college graduation at 23 years old, I moved 3000 miles cross country by myself to a place I've never been and worked with people I'd never met to do a job I had never done.
You can do this.
49. Tami said the following at 9:38 AM on Oct 1:
Codependence is a whole other animal from the type of interdependence Suzanne is describing. That word "codependence" gets thrown around *a lot*, often in cases where it doesn't really apply.
We really do need each other, and the Body of Christ is designed to work interdependently -- like a... body :)
From what I understand, codependence is when you inappropriately rely on others, creating a "network" that upholds sinful patterns of behavior (passiveness, alcoholism, fear, etc.).
It's a corruption of healthy dependence/interdependence.
If I really can help someone (e.g., they are having an emergency and need something from the store, and I am able to pick it up for them), I should -- that's healthy dependence on one another.
However -- if I'm constantly picking stuff up at the store for them because they forgot it (and they're otherwise able to get it themselves) -- that's unhealthy. My behavior is actually supporting their negative pattern of behavior. That, I think, is part of the definition of *co*dependence.
Please don't overanalyze the example. :) My point is, helping or needing help, in and of itself, is not codependence.
50. Anne said the following at 10:19 AM on Oct 1:
Being 31 years old and decidedly single, I do get discouraged in thinking that I am a burden to my parents. I would think that of my friends as well but they are never there when I need them anyway(boyfrineds, husbands and jobs come first). Often times my dad is out of the state when something happens, such as a dead car battery or driving my prents borrowed vehicle into a ditch on icy roads in the middle of winter. I get upset until I realize I'm just being attacked by the devil for trying to do the best I can in spite of my limitations, and that I was never meant to do everything on my own. But on the other hand It doesn't help when a guy that comes and pulls my pickup truck out of the ditch to "tell my boyfrined to put heavy items in the back of my truck." Some of us girls don't want to be in a relationship with a man just to have someone fix our drain, change our tires or just to fill a God shaped vaccum in our lives. I do feel extreamly alone when mundane inconviences happen, especially when strangers ask me why there isn't someone else around to "bail me out". I do attened a church but the body of christ just isn't able to be there for me. Most of the men are married or too young, and single women at my church are looked on as mantraps, no matter how virtous we actually are. (I'm a 31 yr old virgin that doens't date, so I don't know how much more "safe" I can be to these guys) I don't personally view myself as high-matience, and if anything I wish I didn't have to be so independent, I'm not the control freak type and don't have the energy to be that hard boiled. So for now I just depend on God. He hasn't let me down the way people often do.
As for spiders, I just use a little martini glass to cover them, then I slide a peice of paper under the glass, then I hold the glass upright with the paper on top, open the front door of my house and fling them out as far as possible from my house. Spiders don't scare me- I worked at a petstore and had to feed tarrantulas so no big deal for me.
51. Casey (the Student Nurse) said the following at 5:30 PM on Oct 1:
Personally, I love being able to help people, regardless of circumstance or situation. Its a gift and a pleasure, even when they think it might be an inconvenience for me. Truth be told, much of the time it is, but the end result is much too worth it to let some silly little inconvenience get in the way.
52. Leah said the following at 7:41 PM on Oct 1:
Rachael- I'd actually NOT suggest the fly gun. All the ones I've used, while being fun and ok for little insects, don't shoot exactly straight, and so (in my opinion) you're more likely to annoy the spider than to actually kill it. If it's a teeny-weeny spider with not much substance to it you might be ok, but any of those bigger hairier ones and I'd not be trying the gun.
I just use surface spray and then open all the windows and turn the fans on to ventilate the room (coz it's actually quite potent stuff). I rouse on my husband for using surface spray on every little bug that comes in the house because it's too poisonous to be constantly spraying around!
re: Tami and Wes - I agree with Tami when she said co-dependence is different to the interdependence Suzanne is talking about. However, I don't know if codependence is always unhealthy. Aren't a husband and wife co-dependent? And children are *completely* dependent on their parents.
I'm not advocating codependence in place of the interdependence Suzanne was talking about. Not at all. I'm just saying it's not always unhealthy.
53. Kerri said the following at 11:14 AM on Oct 2:
I have come to believe that sometimes God forces us to be humble and accept help from others and even learn to ask for it. I do not think that it makes us high maintence.
I am a single mother of four children, and I live several hours away from my ex husband and 14 hours away from family. Life experiences for one reason or another has taught me to not ask for help. To not inconvience others for my lack of knowledge or know how, and to just do what ever I can to learn and resolve the current issue. That I can only depend on myself and God. I have learned to be greatly independant, I learned to never call for help. If my roof is leaking and it needs to be repaired I repair it. If my basement floods I do what is necessary to take care of it, if I want to install hardwood floors, I install it, if my computer needs upgraded, I upgrade it and so on...... My independence and my drive to learn how to take care of my own needs have given me the opportunity to help those who cannot. I am always coming to the aide for fellow single mothers, repairing thier homes, computer IT help, watching children during emergencies, you name it I can do it. Because of my great "INDEPENDENCE" and my fear of inconviencing others I could not accept help. This last year I have been gong through a very tough and painfull season in which God has forced me to learn to accept help. When you have fellow believers of GOD begging you to take their help because "we are all one body" it makes you humble. The bottom line is that there comes a huge price with Independence. Independence can cause lonliness and issolation. It takes you away from the loving and accepting feeling that godly people do care about you and are there for you in a time of need. Indepence can close your heart and eyes off to others as well as deny their God given talent to help you in your time of need when God is calling them to do so. To deny them of that, you are also denying GOD. I understand that now. So for all of you who fear that you are "high maintenance" or "needy", my suggestion would be to thank GOD that he calls on someone to do so, because my alternative was a very hard and painful lesson to learn. Do what you can, learn what you can learn, some independence is needed. Just remember that GOD never intended for us to go about life ALONE and that we are "one body". We are meant to help others, to assist in thier journey, to help them grow in life.
54. Tami said the following at 12:31 PM on Oct 2:
Leah (52) -- I think if it's healthy (i.e., not fostering an environment that reinforces sinful patterns of behavior), it still qualifies as interdependence. :)
And childlike dependence is, of course, acceptable -- for children. ;) And, it's how we, as God's children, lean on *Him*.
55. Kerri said the following at 12:32 PM on Oct 2:
I passed a church today in which I felt the need to share what their sign reads. "who needs you to be God's loving arms today". I think that if we all reflect on the possibilities of what that message can mean that there would be no labels of "needy" and "high maintenance". God's love is shown in many ways. He does not physially appear and help you with what it is that you need help with, he does not phsically answer your prayers. God SENDS one of his children to you, and in doing so he is showing you that he is wrapping his loving arms around you telling your heart with silent words...... Dear child, as always I am here for you, I have answered your need through the assistance of _______, You have asked and I have delivered. I love you my child.
It is our duty as "a body " to extend God's loving arms to one another, to share his love, his compassion, his forgiveness. To share in his work.
56. BDB said the following at 8:43 PM on Oct 3:
Tami (#49) wrote:
>>That word "codependence" gets thrown around *a lot*, often in cases where it doesn't really apply.<<
Isn't it, though? I once read a flier on campus once, and it declared that 96% of the population was impacted by codependency. I laughed out loud - that's called fallen humanity, folks!
I do think that people make mistakes at both extremes. I know some people who seem to be extemely helpless - it's like they never even try to be proactive. People like that sometimes remind me of the drowning person who grabs onto their rescuer and threatens to drown them, too. (Incidentally, in rescue training we are taught to dive in this situation - the panicky person typically won't want to follow the rescuer under water.)
At the other end I know people who are so determined to be independent that they shut out others completely. Like Kerri (#53) I do believe that God will humble people. I have a couple of friends who got cancer and for the first time were in a position where people told them, "Yes, you need to let us bring you meals." It was almost the hardest part of their illness, accepting help. Now in remission, they are gentler towards others.
57. Shandra said the following at 4:35 PM on Oct 4:
I believe that in asking for help, singles can learn new ways of taking care of themselves. For example, maybe we don't know how to change a tire. Perhaps, when we call for help, the helper can one day show us how to change the tire.
We should be humble enough to ask for help when we need it.
On a another note, if there is a spider around, I don't care if you are male or female, if you're less afraid of spiders than me, then you'll be killing that spider. Thanks.
58. Rachael said the following at 10:44 PM on Oct 4:
Related to dependency...(first, disclaimer, I am not writing as someone who has everything all together...no way Hosea!)
Perhaps these verses will be of interest to some:
1 Thess. 4:10b-12: "But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may live properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one."
and
2 Thess. 3:7-9:
"For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate."
59. BDB said the following at 2:14 PM on Oct 6:
Good verses Rachael (#58).
This is an interesting version question - the New King James doesn't use the term "dependent."
1 Thess 4:10-12
10 and indeed you do so toward all the brethren who are in all Macedonia. But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more; 11 that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, 12 that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing.
This weekend I got a spider with the lawn mower. It made a run for it. But it ran too close to the grass I was mowing...into the vortex...
60. Rachael said the following at 7:55 PM on Oct 6:
BDB,
Wow, that is a difference -- "dependent" doesn't seem to necessarily mean the same thing as "walk properly toward" ...
Dependency isn't always a bad thing, I think. I like how in 2 Thess. 3:7-9 it seems to convey the idea that was okay for them to eat someone's bread without paying for it or for them to not toil and labor to not be a burden, but that they chose to work hard so as not to be a burden. In some cases, like in raising money for missions, perhaps it's okay to be dependent. But I really like the mentality of how they didn't want to be a burden, and that they still worked hard....
61. sarah elizabeth said the following at 11:54 AM on Oct 7:
just a few comments....
theres a difference between a single man and a single woman-there just is-women are more vulnerable. Theres also a huge difference between a single 50 yr old and a single 24 yr old. it was suggested that if something broke to have someone come and repair it. To be quite honest, as a single, 24 yr old young woman, if i lived alone I wouldnt feel comfortable being alone in my apartment with a man I dont know. So even if it was just calling a girlfriend to come be around while he was there, I would still need some type of help (thankfully i do have a roommate).
I agree though, it is good to be able to take care of yourself, cuase the fact remains-you may not always have someone to help you-you do need to be able to be independent, though I dont think it is necessary to always be independent.
A word to singles(especially women) though-paying for AAA is an INCREDIBLY worthwhile investment. getting stranded in the middle of nowehere at who knows what time of day is not something you want to have to worry about. If you have AAA, they can come and tow you whereever (it also works for whatever car you are in, not just your own-so if your with your girlfriend and her car breaks down, your AAA service still helps!)
62. Jo said the following at 1:29 PM on Oct 7:
Over here, it's just the AA. What does yours have that ours doesn't?!
('American' possibly?)
63. Tami said the following at 2:00 PM on Oct 7:
Yes, AAA = "American Automobile Association". The state groups can be things like "CSAA" (California State Automobile Association).
AA = "Alcoholics Anonymous" 'round here.
64. BDB said the following at 2:06 PM on Oct 7:
Jo (#62) wrote:
>>Over here, it's just the AA. What does yours have that ours doesn't?!
('American' possibly?)<<
Over here, "AA" is "Alcoholics Anonymous." So, if you're stranded on the road and call AA, you might get something different than you're expecting...
65. Leah said the following at 6:42 PM on Oct 9:
Jo- Lol, I think AA = Alcoholics Anonymous in most countries :)
In Australia, we don't have a national automobile association, just state ones. Queensland's is RACQ (Royal Automobile Club of Queensland), New South Wales' is NRMA (no idea what that stands for), Victoria's is RACV (take a guess). Can't remember what the names are in other states.