Waiting Well
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 07/15/2008 at 11:30 AM
I don't like to wait for things. I would guess that many modern individuals find waiting difficult in an instant-gratification world. In "Work the Wait," Stephanie Voiland gives some very personal insight into the frustration of biding your time:
When will I get my turn to hang a white dress in my closet?" I mumbled as I hung up my fourth bridesmaid dress last summer. A single 29-year-old, I'd watched friend after friend join the ranks of "Mrs."; I couldn't help but wonder, How much longer, God?
As I contemplated my life's many delays, I realized I don't like waiting—and I'm not very good at it. But I wanted to grow during my waiting seasons rather than become bitter or lose faith. So I asked God to show me how he's working through these divine delays.
But God isn't obligated to reveal to us why we're in a holding pattern. In fact, some waits seem like they have no purpose. And perhaps, "the delay is simply the product of a sin-ravaged world." Other times, God is using the wait to accomplish something greater. Voiland uses the example of Lazarus (John 11):
Jesus was good friends with Lazarus and his sisters, Martha and Mary. Christ even crashed at their place occasionally. So surely when he heard Lazarus was ill, he'd rush to his side and heal him! Instead, we read this haunting sentence: "Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days" (verses 5–6). My knee-jerk reaction is to cry, "Hello! Why were you waiting? That's not love!" Martha and Mary were slightly more diplomatic, but they expressed the same sentiment: "Lord, if only you had been here" (verses 21 and 32).
With our limited vision, Mary, Martha, and I couldn't see God sometimes doesn't give us what we request so he can give us something better. Jesus said the death of Lazarus "happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory for this" (verse 4). Granted, a healing would have been amazing. But Jesus had a bigger plan that couldn't occur without Lazarus's time in the grave.
Even when the wait was purposeful, Jesus engaged in the pain it caused. He wept. Voiland ends with some solid, hope-filled advice for those who wait:
I 'd still like a white dress to hang in my closet someday—preferably someday soon. But now as I wait, I'm careful not merely to mark time, so preoccupied with what's next that I miss out on what's now. I'm striving to wait well. And part of waiting well, I've learned, is being open to God's lessons about redemption, trust, compassion, and his higher purposes along the way.
1. DannieA said the following at 11:48 AM on Jul 15:
waiting is hard....mostly for marriage....but in life's journey when I look back in hindsight at some things I had to make a difficult decision and wait for even though I was in tears, the wait was definately worth it and it turned out better in the end so I have no doubts that although I'm still waiting to "hang my dress on the door" that the journey and wait will be worth it whatever the path leads to.
2. Carrie (the original) said the following at 11:57 AM on Jul 15:
"And part of waiting well, I've learned, is being open to God's lessons about redemption, trust, compassion, and his higher purposes along the way."
Let us, who are still single, embrace this on a very deep and real level.
3. weedorwildflower said the following at 12:23 PM on Jul 15:
Stephanie Voiland's article is brilliant. She has tapped into what so many singles feel and has verbalized it in a way they can relate to ... and be challenged and inspired.
4. George said the following at 12:47 PM on Jul 15:
As someone who is not only going to be 30 in a few months but have seen a majority of his friends' names being scratched off the bachelor list, waiting is getting harder as time goes by.
Many of my friends and older married couples at church have told me that I should get married or have asked me am I interested in anyone, and I've answered that I do want to be married, but it's next to impossible for me to meet a woman who's open to the idea of marriage (and not just a fun and casual relationship) and also has shown a growing relationship with our Heavenly Father.
By a growing relationship I meant a life with evidence shown of a willingness to serve in His Church, a growing interest in learning more through attending weekly Bible studies or Sunday schools, a growing desire to fellowship with other believers, etc.
Nevertheless, waiting I must continue to do. And my constant prayer is that during this time, regardless of how long it can be, God is teaching me the things I need to learn to be a godly man and husband.
5. KarenLayne said the following at 12:52 PM on Jul 15:
I, too find waiting difficult. Waiting for anything, really, although right at this point in my life it's my Prince I'm waiting for.(....or even a frog...I'm not that picky so long as he loves the Lord.)
That's not the point though...the point I mean to make is that, for me, the hardest part is waiting to hear from God. I pray, mostly for wisdom or strength or peace to get me thorugh a tough day, and then I sit me down to wait. Some days I hear right away - a calming of my mind, or a "coincidental" solution to a problem, but most days I get impatin and give up on waiting...it's only later that I realize that the answer came when I was too busy saying "c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, answer me!" I was just too occupied in "waiting" to notice.
6. Patrick said the following at 12:56 PM on Jul 15:
Thank you Suzanne! I can't even begin to describe how meaningful these two words are for me to hear these days: "Jesus wept." At least for me, it's easier to trust that God is in control of everything, because, after all, he is God! But it's harder for me to trust that God truly works all things together for our good. So, in the midst of broken hearts etc., I'm so glad to hear that "Jesus wept," that he truly does care for each one of his sheep -- even the pretty lame and dumb ones like me! Cool, thanks again for posting this, Suzanne.
7. Margaret said the following at 1:24 PM on Jul 15:
This summer I'll "hang up" my 3rd bridesmaid dress in 3 years. Next winter will be #4. I am so thankful to be a part of my friends' special days, but still long for my turn. Thank you for the reminder that the lessons learned along the way are just as (or perhaps sometimes more) important than what you get at the end of a journey. I'm learning to trust, pray, and actively hope in the promises of God.
8. Kelly said the following at 1:33 PM on Jul 15:
Wow, there has never been better timing of a Boundless article for me. I have been feeling this need/want to move on in my career for professional/personal reasons. There are some possibilities within my reach that I have been waiting on. I was just looking at my office calendar thinking how long this process would take, just to even find out an answer. Now I know my current answer is to just wait.
9. LDB said the following at 2:21 PM on Jul 15:
I don't like waiting. But God has really used my first year out of college to show me how His timing is so much better than mine could ever be. I wanted a specific job as soon as I graduated college and honestly I felt the job was mine. I volunteered there during college...the director and the person doing the interviewing know me. It was perfect. Except they hired someone else. I was dumbfounded because I knew deep down this was the perfect job for me. So there I sat for four long months at home miserable, unemployed and teetering on depression. But God. He got me a job at my alma mater and it was great. After seven months there I found out that the same position I wanted when I first graduated had become open again. So I applied. And this time I got it. And now looking back I can see why this job wasn't right for me a year ago...I can see why I needed to be where I was. It's amazing to see God move because all along I could never shake the feeling that I belonged here. This testimony is something that I still marvel at and it keeps me going as I wait for other things.
I will say that I don't like waiting, but I enjoy expectation. I look back and think of times when I lived w/o any expectation and it was sad and boring. But now that I have expectations, life is vibrant and full. I think that if you want to live a life of expectation then waiting comes with the territory.
10. BDB said the following at 3:46 PM on Jul 15:
At first, I thought the article might be about the "guidance" principle of doing the last thing God told you to do - the theory being that if you haven't done it yet, why should God tell you the next step? Several of the giants of the faith talk about this principle; like George Mueller mentioning that someone who is deliberately engaging in sin can't expect God to answer his prayer. The phrase ringing in my mind is,
Is there nothing you neglect?
Turns out, that's not really what the article was about. But it did motivate me to go into my garage and clean out a few boxes and take some things to recycling. Part of the "Discipline of Clutter," so that my stuff doesn't own me...good thing it's trash day...
11. Jenelle said the following at 4:47 PM on Jul 15:
Just when I think I can "do" this thing called life, God taps me on the shoulder and has to remind me HE is in control.
WAIT. Even my Sunday School teacher (and best friend's husband) just sent me a text today... "be still and wait on God." He knows how impatient I have been about a new guy coming to our class [who, by the way, i think is perfect for me]...
another word that keeps popping up... TRUST.
i think they may go together.........
ps. i just read Candice Watters' Get Married === A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
a must read if you haven't already!
12. Laura said the following at 5:58 PM on Jul 15:
Great article! I have been a bridesmaid three times in the last year, and honestly it's been kinda tough.I am so happy for my friends, but I can't help but wonder when it'll be my turn! But God is sovereign!
13. Sarah said the following at 8:30 PM on Jul 15:
We love to hope and hate to wait, but we cannot hope without having to wait.
That's what I realized last summer. I still don't like waiting. But thankfully, waiting does not equal passivity. Keep hoping, living and moving, friends, and don't lose sight of the bigger picture. (yes, i know, it's easier said than done. But i still need to say it, because I, at least, still need to hear it.)
14. Susan said the following at 8:33 PM on Jul 15:
I just got back from helping a friend look for her wedding dress. This will be my third time as a bridesmaid. It was the first time I actually felt sad in a bridal store b/c I honestly felt as though I would never get to experience buying the dress. Thanks for the timely read. Now I'm off to work up the guts to kill the bug in the only bathroom in my apt.
15. R said the following at 8:53 PM on Jul 15:
Interesting article, and it seems like it would apply to both women & men. Yet you would not know it in today's so-called Christian culture.
Like George (#4) I and many of my brothers wait for that similar kind of godly girl. Likewise, I/we find it hard in this kind of worldly culture we're living in now.
To compound the situation, unfortunately, those of us men who trust in the sovereignty of the Lord will be held in derision: Christian men are emasculated, Christian men are scared of bad marriages (And Christian women are not? I guess that is why some women are fine with the bad boys asking them out?), and blah, blah, blah.)
Though as much as I, too, desire marriage, I am thankful for my singleness. As well as for the time it allows me to serve & grow in His grace, and for the discernment the Lord has given me to trust Him and to wait patiently for His provisions ... especially, Lord willing, in the form of a godly gal.
16. a sister said the following at 11:18 PM on Jul 15:
R,
You & George are totally on. Waiting is hard for both of us (men & women). and there are a hundred reasons why we aren't married yet and there are a hundred reasons why someone else can say our singleness is our "fault" as though it were some sort of an illness...
* you don't trust God
* you are scared of marriage
* you are afraid of commitment
* you are too wrapped up in your professional life
* you don't have enough of a professional life
* You are too heavy
* You are too smart
* you aren't smart enough
* you are too independent
* you are too clingy
* you aren't content being single
* you are too content being single
* you don't socialize enough
* you aren't a good enough leader (guys) or submissive / supportive enough (girls)
* you are trying to perpetuate your adolescence.
* you treat everyone like a sister / brother - rather than looking at them as someone who might be a partner
* you evaluate everyone as a potential partner and don't spend enough time treating them as a brother / sister
I'm sure some of you could add a few more to that list.
The bottom line is that all of these are probably true of someone and some of them might even be true of us. But is that the real reason we aren't married?
None of these things are new. Others have struggled with them. We all have problems - sometimes they are serious. But plenty of married people have these problems.
The bottom line reason we aren't married is simply where we are at in God's journey with us. Some of us he has on that journey with a partner; for others of us, he hasn't provided that partner yet (and he doesn't owe that to us either). God says WAIT. He says he is more than enough in the waiting. And he is.
But sometimes, being without the other person who we desire as a partner, friend, completion, lover... sometimes that's still really hard - we've never met them but we miss them. That's OK. We weren't made to be alone. Being alone can hurt. But even the hurting can be sweet if we view it as an opportunity to call out to the Creator - the one for whom we were made - eternally.
Oh, yeah, 27 year old single sister, God's project, His instrument...
17. Ben W said the following at 5:25 AM on Jul 16:
Seems we're more or less agreeing - but often it seems to me - wether here or among my church - that we are too busy waiting for the lord to do things and enjoy singleness.
I just remember that my parents only met because they did not just leave it to the lord but placed an ad in a newspaper. Otherwise I wouldn't be here to write these lines.
And waiting is fruitless as long as there is no marriage material at work or in your church or at your sports club. If you don't seek you will not find. The lord is the lord but as a conservative I believe in taking care of yourself, not just in your job career etc. but also in your private life.
If christian people of both gender just enjoy their singleness and wait I don't wonder about less and less people born into christian families. Among my friends only the atheists yet are married and have kids.
But they were looking for a partner. While many christian women say - you shouldn't seek. Let the lord do it.
Well the lord won't do it on his own - as much as he doesn't bring you a college degree, find a job, shops and cooks. I'm doing all these things myself. Without putting effort in something you won't achieve.
We should be less afraid of "seeking" - like with many other things it is HOW you do it. In a godly way or in another (example: working hard vs. the love of money - both can lead to wealthiness, yet the love of money is the source of evil says Paul).
In the end my parents met, got married, are married for 35 years and have to sons. Almost all of my friends and me are unmarried and childless (age 28 to 40).
My parents were seeking - they found each other. To me the bottom line is quite clear. Do something and ask the lord to help you - don't expect the lord to do all the work himself.
18. Jennifer said the following at 7:20 AM on Jul 16:
I'm 30, been a bridesmaid four times, maid of honor twice. It never gets easier walking into David's Bridal. Last time, while my bride was looking at dresses, I hid in one of the aisles, and between tall bags of big wedding dresses, I cried a little. No one saw and I was back out helping my friend within seconds.
Sometimes you just have to embrace the fact that it stings a little. Waiting is tough. But God is still good and He's still gracious. When I think of all the problems that I could have, this yoke of being single is easy.
19. IMO said the following at 7:30 AM on Jul 16:
Hi R,
Perhaps the Lord can use you to turn a less-godly girl to a more-godly girl. Of course I'm not advocating what they call missionary dating/marriage where the purpose is to convert a nonbeliever.
But from my own experience, my husband grew leaps and bounds in his faith once we started dating. If I was waiting for just the "godly" guy who had already "arrived" at being this solid godly Christian, I wouldn't have given my now-husband a chance!
As long as you can see the potential of the person and the willingness they have to truly seek and love the Lord, I think you shouldn't discount all not-as-godly gals.. Because sometimes a REAL relatiosnip that has potential to lead to marriage causes the girlfriend or boyfriend to really become serious and grow in their faith!
I say this to give you encouragement that, even though it may be hard to find a godly girl now, she still can be found. She just may be a diamond in the rough.
20. Christina (in green) said the following at 7:40 AM on Jul 16:
R -
Where marriage might scare men more than women, being single scares women more than men =p
Does that make sense?
21. a sassy sister said the following at 9:22 AM on Jul 16:
This is a great article. In the past couple of months, I've realized that I've put my life on hold for something that may not ever happen. I've also examined my expectations and ideas about marriage and family.
I realized that I was frustrated somewhat because I was running on the insanity wheel of comparison and letting fears of social rejection by the Church
get in the way of living my life as a testament to the saving grace of Christ.
So, I'm getting on with living my life as a permanent single. There's
too much to do for me to sit around whining about why I'm not married yet. When I really thought about it and was honest with myself, I realized that I could never be the "godly gal" that most Christian guys I know want---I am too opinionated, too passionate, too vocal, and too independent, and am unwilling to abandon all of my dreams the second I get engaged to marry. I have the domestic skills of a slacker and am far from the neatest person in the world. I am clueless when it comes to motherhood and have such a low level of patience with children.
Consequently, I realized that my personality and character are not conducive to marriage. To be brutally honest, who I am at this current moment essentially guarantees indifference from Christian men. I have read Candice Watters' book, and got the sense that I need to present myself as a cross between June Cleaver and a Stepford wife in order to be "marriageable," which, once again, does not line itself up with my personal description.
I am not throwing myself a pity party, however....I am choosing to make the best of my circumstances and practice contentment---not based on things and people, but Christ.
22. dflint08 said the following at 9:42 AM on Jul 16:
My WAITING experience hasn't been funny. I have prayed, hoped,wept, fasted yet i know God has the best plan for my life. Having worked hard to get a very good result from the University yet having to watch as my hope of being quickly & gainfully employed was dashed (Its being 3 years since graduation- got a job as a cafe Assistant in January) combined with having to wait for months to resume for Postgraduate Studies because of a faulty educational system (Still waiting)....E.t.C (So i wouldn"t wear u out with my "WOES") Yet through this God's word has being my source of encouragement. To All in Similar situations I'll like to say .."For we Know that all things work together for good for us who luv God, for us who are called according to His purpose".
I have learnt to Invest in time as it passes. Grab every useful knowledge that will help me develop mentally, spiritually,physically etc, read widely, start godly relationships, plan for the future, Enrole for short time trainings programs,use the Internet more & many other useful things you can do during the WAITING period.
23. Nicole Y said the following at 12:22 PM on Jul 16:
This is good advice for everyone. Waiting is so hard, especially when you feel like you deserve what you want right now. I had to wait until 29 to get married, and now we have been waiting 3 years for children to arrive, yet God has not sent any yet. It doesn't get easier.
Chances are, this isn't the only thing you'll have to wait for, so learn how to "work the wait" now because you don't know when you'll have to wait for something again. It's a lesson I'm learning for a 2nd time.
24. Kit said the following at 1:41 PM on Jul 16:
As I do many times, I disagree with many of you on this post. My thoughts lie with Ben W.
If you are sitting at home, doing nothing except your job and running in the same social circles you have since graduating from college, and waiting for the Lord to 'bring' a spouse into your life, you are most likely going to be waiting a long time.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but that's been my experience and that of many of my friends. As with most things in life, you get out of it what you put into it. Of course God cares, and wants to take care of you, but you are responsible to a point. Men, like it or not, it is YOUR responsibility to do the PROACTIVE pursuit of dating. That means asking. If you're interested in someone, even if you don't know her well, ask. And women, you have the responsibility of response. If a guy you don't know all that well asks you out, I would say you are nearly obligated to go out with him at least once. You never know anything about a person till you spend time, so even if they aren't your 'type' from first sight, you might get surprised. One date is not a courtship, and if you go out a few times and then decide he/she isn't for you, nothing is truly lost unless you believe that your first date automatically means you will marry that person. Which, by definition, is a common evangelical idea but is completely ridiculous. Date around. How else will you meet someone? Also try dating services. They are very safe nowadays and will match you with people in your immediate area you may not have other ways of connecting with. There's a stigma abuot them, but why? We do everything online nowadays, and nobody turns their nose at wearing clothes or eating food they got there.
If you're not seeking, you won't find. God even tells us to pursue HIM!
Good luck!
25. George said the following at 2:42 PM on Jul 16:
Jennifer (#18), I'm sorry to hear your last experience of being a 4th bridesmaid. I myself have been part of a bridal party for more than a few times now, and it's not easy on the wedding day when all your guy friends have their wives or potential wives around them during the day. The worse parts I find are during the group photos and dance during the reception. Most of the time I felt like heading home but because I was part of the bridal party I couldn't just leave my friends hanging.
And IMO (#19), I've thought about doing that, and have done it with my last relationship with a "less-godly" girl. She's been a Christian as long as I have, and her spiritual walk at that time we met didn't seem to be growing but I took the risk of asking her out since I saw in her the potential in maturing into a godly woman.
We were together for a few years but instead of her growing closer to the Lord, she backslid. She wasn't as interested in coming for Bible studies and prayer meetings, and wanted to skip out on fellowship without any reason.
In the end, she wanted to have less to do with the church where we met each other and didn't want the other brothers and sisters to be part of our relationship. That was the last straw for me, and I called our relationship off. It was one of the hardest things I've done but I was convicted that it had to be done because I know that in order for a godly marriage to function, our Christian family has to be a part of it.
After the whole fiasco which included many months of almost unbearable sadness, I don't think going after a "less godly" lady is the right way to go for me, nor would I want that to happen to any other of my brothers nor sisters-in-Christ.
26. a sister said the following at 4:17 PM on Jul 16:
Sassy Sister, glad you are living life to the fullest for the Lord.
I can identify with these comments of yours:
"When I really thought about it and was honest with myself, I realized that I could never be the "godly gal" that most Christian guys I know want---I am too opinionated, too passionate, too vocal, and too independent, and am unwilling to abandon all of my dreams the second I get engaged to marry."
I do have perfectly adequate domestic skills, am reasonably neat (but not OCD about it) and love children - all in addition to what some call "intimidating." Does that make me more marriageable? Not if Stepford + June is the standard. And I don't wish to try to fit someone else's mold just to get married. I want a God-seeking partner who respects me if I marry. Those may not seem real abundant, but apparently it only takes one :-)
Anyway, thanks for being bold!
And, Ben W, I totally agree that if you really want to be married, being intentional is usually much more effective than passivity (for guys & gals). I'm not sure I want marriage enough to be really intentional but that's a whole different story...
27. IMO said the following at 6:06 PM on Jul 16:
George--
I'm so sorry about your experience! Yikes! I wouldn't want anybody to date somebody as lame as the person you dated. "Lame" in the sense that she obviously didn't have strong biblical convictions or a strong biblical foundation to begin with.
I also don't encourage others to date "less godly" people per se. But from my own personal experience....I dated a guy who, after we broke up, told me how the Lord, through me, has re-sparked his passion for God and he truly started growing in his relationship with the Lord. Then the other example is my husband. He recommitted his life to the Lord during our relationship. He has been growing and becoming such a godly man and husband...
Back to this girl...you know, maybe she really walked away from the Lord during your relationship...but maybe she is now back on track. Or maybe she will be in the future. You don't know what the Holy Spirit can do in her life if she really is a Christian. And perhaps when she looks back on her relationship with you and how it fails, she will be convicted and drive closer to the Lord. Anyway I'm just rambling with a scenario...
Basically the Lord could still have used your relationship for His glory. And you might not see the fruit of it...
I hope I make sense, and not come off offensive! If so, let me know.
28. xeres said the following at 8:01 PM on Jul 16:
kit and Ben W,
I agree with alot of what you guys said. I hate the fact that people think that they shound not play a part in finding a spouse, using the Jesus-block card. However, patience and prudence should never ever be toss aside when pursuing a spouse, no exceptions. Otherwise, you will put yourself and everyone else in great grief.
On the side note, if I have to choose between meeting singles at an online dating service or a nightclub, I will choose the nightclub over online dating service everytime. I don't care how "safe" dating services are, people have different connotations and ideas of statements such as "I want an honest, nice, down-to-earth person to go out with". As other commentors had mentioned, people are really complaining that no one who they think they would be interested in/into is asking them out on a date
29. R said the following at 8:18 PM on Jul 16:
a sister (#16),
Yes, waiting is hard and there could be many good reasons for why were are still single. I think that if we do the best to overcome our shortcomings then we have fulfilled much of responsibility in the matter, while we look to God's sovereign hand in the matter.
Hang in there ... I was 27 once ... a very, very, very long time ago. :-) Keep serving the Lord with gladness & joy in your heart!
IMO (#19) said:
Perhaps the Lord can use you to turn a less-godly girl to a more-godly girl.
IMO, thank you for your thoughts. Having myself tried this (serious relationship) I do not believe this is for myself. One can not expect someone else to change, unless they are willing to change, or God has convicted their hearts for change. Plus there will be too many philosophical differences w/r to Christian principles applied to life.
One must also remember there is a huge risk of one's own faith being pulled down as well. At the same time I would hate to miss out on the potential for some great serving opportunities while in a relationship that probably shouldn't be happening.
Finding the fine line can be a tricky thing. I certainly do not expect to find a perfect person as we are all sinners. Should I see a sister who has a heart for the Lord & His Will and a desire to be obedient & to be growing in grace, I would most certainly consider pursuing such a person. Until that time I will wait upon the Lord so that I may serve & help build His kingdom.
Anyways, I am glad that things did work out for you. Thank you for sharing! I do hope you both will continue to encourage one another in your walk with the Lord.
Christina (#20),
Hi, not quite sure I follow. These days I'm finding more and more brothers desiring marriage than the women! Surprising? One young mid-20's friend just turned down a guy because of her career aspirations. I felt really bad for the guy because he made quite an effort to court her.
Thanks for your thoughts.
30. Rachael said the following at 9:19 PM on Jul 16:
A sassy sister (21),
That's wonderful that you're choosing to practice contentment.
You don't feel you have the characteristics of a woman most guys you know want. A lot of that might be just your feelings rather than truth. Remember that. Yes, we all have need of maturity and growth in our faith and walk.
Men aren't cookie cutters. There may be some common things Godly ones are looking for in women, but, different guys will be 'okay with/extend grace toward' or 'enjoy' different aspects of you that you might feel could never be put up with or enjoyed.
Last month I asked my mom if certain things made me unmarryable. Perhaps I was fishing because of course I wouldn't have expected her to say I'm unmarryable. But her response was encouraging -in her words: "You aren't unmarryable!!" It is nice to have had the fact that I'm not unmarryable verified by...my mom :).
And then, a few days ago in an e-mail to me, my mom wrote me this about me & my relationship: "You are not a good evaluator of who you are. That's why it may take time. He needs to see first hand who you are, and you need to observe first hand who he is. No one has an accurate evaluation of who they are."
Those of us who overthink/analyze things may think worse of ourselves than the way some others view us.
I do think I'd be a decent or good catch for someone. Yet, I am ever so aware of my fallen shortedness.
Thankfully, sinners do marry. Good thing.
On another note, Sassy, I also know that you are sensitive, kind, open, honest, caring, and has a heart for God: all very marryable characteristics!
31. IMO said the following at 10:08 PM on Jul 16:
R,
Thank you for your kind response.
I have nothing else to add. :)
32. BDB said the following at 10:18 PM on Jul 16:
Rachael (#30) wrote:
>>On another note, Sassy, I also know that you are sensitive, kind, open, honest, caring, and has a heart for God: all very marryable characteristics!<<
Goodness, you are so good at finding kind things to say. That must make you very pleasant to be around. Kindness is in such short supply with some people...
33. Rachael said the following at 12:02 AM on Jul 17:
Re: the idea of the possibility of changing a potential
I agree with R in that: "One can not expect someone else to change, unless they are willing to change, or God has convicted their hearts for change. "
-->One cannot marry expecting change in a particular way, though of course we will change and I love the idea of maturing together with a spouse. One thought about the "can the person change" idea...
Perhaps in the area of "theology", it might be a matter of the people using different words to describe essentially the same thing or possibly acceptable interpretations of certain Scriptures. It in part might be a matter of what the person has been exposed to/taught...So in the area of "theology", perhaps the person can grow and learn or the one hoping for more theologically from the other can realize that the heart and actions might be more important than understanding things in near identical ways theologically...
But in terms of lifestyle stuff...I don't think you can necessarily expect change if the person isn't willing...
So in short, I guess while living/lifestyle stuff might not be unchangeable if the person isn't willing (or even if s/he is willing, it might be a deep struggle that has lasted practically their whole lives so it might be a habit that is hard to completely break and they may never come to a point of not being tempted w/ that same sin again, especially if they're not working on it/convicted...). But in the area of theology, change is possible. The important thing is that the people both line up their beliefs against the Bible.
34. Kit said the following at 8:42 AM on Jul 17:
Xeres,
Yes, completely agreed about the prudence thing. I know what you are saying and agree. I just get tired of seeing guys and gals sitting at home complaining that they aren't married but then not being proactive about even getting a date or two.
Although I did not meet my boyfriend online, I know several good friends who did meet their SOs there and they all had safe experiences. For me, I would prefer it to a nightclub, but I suppose it depends on your individual preference. As a woman, I wouldn't want to go to a nightclub alone, but it could also be different if you are a man.
I'm just thinking there isn't enough proactive dating in the church today. We tend to use the 'wait on God' thing a little too much I think; just do it. I don't think that each and every date has to be prayed about for three months beforehand. Significant relationships, of course, do, but not each and every 'should I ask her out.' Just ask her, or women, just go! It won't cause a mess in anyone's life unless you are one of those people who gets emotionally attached to someone after two hours.
I know, it's completely anti-Joshua Harris, but it works. I only met my boyfriend because I was being very intentional, and letting all my friends know I wanted to hang out with their single friends, actively pursuing online dating, and hanging out with different people almost every weekend. It was a successful plan of action to move forward an area of my life I wanted to move forward. But it took a lot of effort on my part, too.
35. Rachael said the following at 9:12 AM on Jul 17:
PS -- Perhaps I should add that lifestyle issues might be able to change, but I don't think one can marry a person expecting certain things to change. Sure if change and consistency happened before marriage it might be possible for them to maintain the changed behavior...
I guess my point was that it might be easier for theology stuff to change if the person is untaught and has a desire to grow in their knowledge and application of God's Word.
36. NeedACatchyName said the following at 10:08 AM on Jul 17:
I agree with those who are saying folks need to be more proactive. For guys, I think the biggest issue is that pursuing needs to be defined as more than just asking a girl that you like out. This is an important part of being proactive, but I think that most guys are usually willing to ask a girl out if their really interested in her. However, I think that as guys, we can do better than just this. Part of pursuing is not just asking a girl out once you've met her, but putting yourself in a position to be more likely to meet girls. This means looking for activities where you're likely to meet more girls, and in general trying to put yourself in more situations where there's going to be more of an opportunity to meet a potential mate. Stated another way, you may be willing to ask out a girl and have no problem initiating, but you're not likely to meet a girl to ask out if you're hanging out with the guys every weekend. Try branching out and participate in activities with more girls.
For girls, several married female friends have told me that their best advice for girls is to be a little more willing to give guys a chance when they're undecided as to whether or not to accept their invitation. This doesn't mean that you should go out with every guy who asks you, and you should never, ever go out with someone who you wouldn't feel safe around, but it does mean that if you're sitting on the fence about a guy you should give him a chance for a date or two and see if it works out. Stated another way, don't let a potential Mr. Right get away because you're waiting for Mr. Perfect.
Of course, there are a lot of people doing all of these things but still aren't succeeding in relationships. There are guys who do everything they can to meet girls but still get rejected nearly every time they ask someone out. And there are girls who are open to giving a guy a chance but still don't get asked out and therefore never get the opportunity to give a guy a chance. I think in these circumstances, it's best to remember that it's very possible to do all the right things and still not have success in relationships. There are a lot of people who do everything wrong and still wind up with a great catch, and there are people who do everything right and remain single. I think we just have to remember that God judges out success in relationships by different standards than we do. And if we follow God's Word in dating then we succeed by God's standards, even if by visible standards (that is, finding a mate), we don't appear to succeed.
37. Trey or Freddie said the following at 4:18 PM on Jul 17:
First, who made Josh Harris or Candice Watters the last word on dating or finding a mate?
The Bible gives precious little information on finding a mate. It gives the qualities of a good husband and a good wife and tells us not to be unequally yoked to non-believers. Other than Abraham's servant finding Rebekkah, there is no example of how to find a mate.
Why? Customs dictated that marriages were arranged by families. It was that way throughout most of human history and still is in many places. Many claim that God chooses their spouse.
1. God must do a lousy job because many get divorced. Yes, I am talking about the ones who claim that God chose their spouse.
2. God must be rather heartless as He seems to leave many waiting a long time and completely out in the cold.
3. Many face obstacles, such as disabilities that make it very hard to find a spouse, or even a date.
I am in the category of 2 and 3. I lost my faith many years ago, when I decided that God did not care about me--at least in this area. My main complaint is that the Christians in my fellowship had less compassion than many sinners who went to the local bars. Telling someone "wait on God's timing" is worse than giving a loved one the Clapper or a Chia pet as a gift. It says, quite plainly, I care about you but not very much.
Sorry for my rant. But I am extremely sensitive in this area, and I am very bitter toward God and His people for their heartless thoughts and actions.
BTW, if you want to communicate directly to me, my E-mail is TreyMcNabb [at] aol [dot] com. I have a lot to say that I cannot say on this site.
38. Hope said the following at 7:32 PM on Jul 17:
Re: #37 Trey or Freddie,
I am often guilty of repeating nice christian phrases that I've heard before but haven't really thought about so I'll say up front that I'm not trying to pretend I understand your situation or what you're going through. Your post just reminds me of me so I wanted to thank you for writing it and for your directness and honesty.
I would say I fall in your categories 1 & 2. I'm kind of socially clueless and never even went on a date until my last year of college. I had told God in my teens that I wouldn't know who to marry so would He please point out a guy taller than me that I should marry. Years later, He did point out a guy to me (much taller then me too!) and I felt like that was it - I had guaranteed success because God wouldn't let me get hurt.
To make a long story short, the guy liked me enough to enter into a committed relationship but then later broke up. Needless to say, I am mad at God for letting me get hurt and find it hard to believe in a God that would do that to me, a God that would make me seem unloveable, a God that would let me have a desire I can't fill.
I struggle with this anger almost every day but when I feel like giving up I am reminding by a still small voice that God knows my heart. Indeed, in one of my many crying fits I asked God why He would let me go through this and I was reminded of a prayer I made after going on a missions trip (be careful of what you pray for after missions trips, people :), which was "show me Your heart for people that don't know You." I knew right then I was experiencing a tiny bit of what God feels for those who don't know Him. I don't know what to do with this feeling but I do encourage you to keep listening to God. I don't understand much of Him but I do know that He does like you a lot.
I hope I haven't been too annoyingly thoughtless - remember that we Christians are sinners in need of compassion too!
39. Mike said the following at 8:53 PM on Jul 17:
The options folks seem to be pushing waver between "sitting at home waiting" and "getting out there" - with the assumption being the former equals failure and the latter equals success. One thing folks might want to consider: What if you're trying, but all the prospects keep turning you down? Perhaps that could be a sign that the Father is telling you, "Later. You're not ready yet."
For example, say you're trying the online dating thing. You sent nice e-mails to 20 - 30 likely prospects over the course of a couple of months, being very selective, making each one a personal letter (i.e., no bulk form letters here), and you get no replies. Coincidence? Or providence?
I think folks might want to consider that there may be other possibilities besides "you're not trying" when there are no prospects on the horizon. It could be not that God is waiting to bring the right person to you. It could be He's waiting for you to become the right person yourself.
40. Vincenzo said the following at 11:01 PM on Jul 17:
Trey or Freddie,
I feel what you're saying. I went through that for a long time. It seemed that the only people that tried to talk me out of seeking a spouse or even desiring one were Christians. It was as though I had to impress God by attaining some dreamy spiritual/single nirvana. I understand that those people meant well, but I realize now that they either had their own issues that they were dealing with, or they were merely repeating what they were taught by an "authority" on the subject. Sadly, there seems to be a real dichotomy between how God thinks and what His people say He thinks.
41. Stephanie said the following at 9:11 AM on Jul 18:
I'm the one who wrote the article, and it's amazing to hear so many people's stories about waiting. It is really nice to know I'm not the only one. =-)
42. Nicole said the following at 10:55 AM on Jul 18:
Trey (#37),
First off, I would like you to know how sad I feel for your pain. Though my situation was different, I know the feeling of complete abandonment by God, the feeling that no matter how loudly you shout, your prayers don't go past the ceiling. I can empathize with your situation of having to deal with people saying "Wait on God's time". I have health problems that have plagued me for the past year with no sign of stopping anytime soon. There is nothing is more annoying and angering than when someone says "have more faith, then God will heal you". I am a Christian, and I wanted to punch them in the face.
May I suggest something? This is what helped me in my darkest times. Google Nick Vujicic, he is a young man, a Christian, who was born without arms or legs. His website is lifewithoutlimbs.org I also found John Piper to be helpful, his website is desiringgod.org, he also has some videos on Youtube
God Bless
43. mary kate said the following at 12:06 PM on Jul 18:
it seems to me we just need to be open to what god wants to do in the dating area of our lives. i went through a time of not dating at all (a really long time!). then i went through a time of dating a lot. i'd just read 'how to get a date worth keeping' and 'boundaries in dating,' both excellent books. it was a great time for a while. i'm generally an outgoing, social person, and i learned a lot more about how to meet men and be open towards them.
however, now things have changed. i know for a fact that god has told me to back off and give all of my dating and timing issues to him. he's basically told me to chill out and wait and trust him, and i've begun to do that, and it's fantastic.
i just say this because yes, you need to get yourself out there and meet new people and try to new things and be open. but more importantly, you need to be open and listening to god. if he wants you to give up control of something, do it.
44. Trey said the following at 6:42 PM on Jul 18:
Hope, Nicole, Vincenzo...thanks for responding empathetically. Mary Kate, sorry, I but I do not at the present, and may never again, trust God in this area. Nicole, I am really not interested in reading about another handicapped person who mistakenly has their trust in an uncaring God. May I suggest Charles Templeton's "Farewell to God" or Christopher Hitchens's "God is Not Great." I am sorry to say that God's lack of faithfulness and Christians lack of compassion has pushed me to (nearly) point of complete unbelief.
I asked, but I did not receive. I seeked, but I did not find. I knocked, but the door remained shut. I delighted and I trusted in God, and I feel like He just kept His back turned and fellow Christians stabbed in the back. I wasn't looking to be married by 25 or even 30. I just wanted a girlfriend, someone to give me hope that I could find a future wife. Now, I am 41 and feel like my life is over. You will not find me thanking or praising the Lord.
Sorry for the rant. I really did not attend to go this far, and I am not trying to insult anyone. I just want to express my pain and anger. If I offended anyone, please forgive me.
45. Dan -real name- said the following at 7:34 PM on Jul 18:
Trey or Freddie (post 37 and 44), and others who may read this post:
I cannot relate to all that you say, but I can relate to the anger you feel towards some Christians. Several years ago when I was in a Christian "mens group" (some of you -know- what kind of group I mean), I was really struggling with fear (along with untreated depression) that I would be alone forever and never find a wife. A guy in my group thought he would "counsel" me, but all he did was come up with reasons why I shouln't get married/pursue a wife/desire a wife,(every thing I said, he came up with some kind of discouraging statement). I said that I didn't want to live alone-he said that "God will be all I need", and among other things, that "God is sovereign, and He can do with someone as he pleases" (I ranted about this on another boundless post). Here is the thing, when this happened, I was in my mid-30s, and he was in his late 20s as well as engaged (therefore he has NOT walked in my shoes). The one night this happened was the only time this gentlemen EVER talked with me at length about anything during our meetings. For several years now I have struggled with anger towards him. I have also struggled with some anger and hurt feelings towards anyone or anything that remotely attemtps to use "God's sovereignty" as a tool to discourage singles.
46. Rachael said the following at 8:05 PM on Jul 18:
Trey,
I suppose you've already thought long and hard about God and faith - sounds like you believe in God's existence, but you don't want to put your faith and trust in Him.
May I suggest Psalm 77. I could suggest the Bible as a whole for reminders of God's faithfulness, but, how about looking at Psalm 77 in particular. Look at what happens in that Psalm:
1) Asaph cries out to God. He is distraught.
2) He soul searched (see vs. 6).
3) He was frustrated with God - "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" (vs. 7-9)
4) Then...he remembered what God has done (vs. 11-12; 14-15; 20...).
5) His thoughts turned toward God's holiness (vs. 13).
6) Even though he acknowledges God's works, he also says "yet your footprints were unseen" (vs. 19).
Do you really want to turn your back on God? If He is true, doesn't He know what's best? His ways are not our ways (see Isaiah 55:8).
For examples of His faithfulness and to rediscover who He is, turn back to the Bible...I need to read more of God's Word as well.
And as for your disappointment in other Christians -- I'd encourage you not to base your faith upon others' behavior, but rather place it all upon God.
Keep the faith!!
47. IMO said the following at 10:14 PM on Jul 18:
Hi Trey,
Your comments are really heartbreaking...(my heart hurts for you even though I don't know you) especially because you say that at 41 years old you feel your life is over.
Do you have a (strong) support system? Friends? Family?
Do you feel like you have embraced the bitterness, pain, and anger to the point of acceptance...and feel like this is how it will be for the rest of your life?
If this is the case, I would strongly recommend/encourage for you to seek help. I am not making any judgements about YOU. Just making a judgement from your comments.
If you think you are beyond help or do not want to seek it, that is your call to make..
Since this is so sensitive to you, please know I am sincere and deeply troubled for you. (Whether that matters to you or not really is beside the point)...
48. Adam D. said the following at 10:58 PM on Jul 18:
I stopped reading at comment 24 for now because I agree. People need to very actively put themselves in situations that allow them to meet new people, and then when you do, don't complain when you turn everyone down.
It's funny to me how waiting as a single Christian seems like waiting on God for something, and waiting as a single secular person means you just haven't met the right person yet. Either way, both seem to indicate some sort of fate that should befall them in terms of a relationship.
Things also seemed much simpler in the past where marriages were more of a necessity, whereas nowadays one can easily get by in life without marriage(secular people who have no qualms about sex, Christians who are faithful obviously have a huge motivator).
49. Mike said the following at 6:51 AM on Jul 19:
Trey -
I'm 41 too. And, when I got married at 29, I thought I was doing the right thing (my wife was 4 months pregnant with my daughter at the time). You know, be responsible, stand up, don't run, all that good stuff. Eight years later, she left. At the same time, everything I'd worked for at work was falling apart. Feeling abandoned? Feeling like life is over? I get it.
It's been 4 years since then. I have prayed over and over, "God, send me a godly wife." Nothing. I got angry. He didn't keep His promises. He didn't care. Then, I came to a realization.
God doesn't promise to give us what we want all the time. He promises to give us what we need. Sometimes, just like any good parent, that means He has to tell the child "no". Or maybe "later". This is what I didn't get, and why the platitudes about "letting go" and "releasing control" never made any sense. Because we don't always know from our perspective what we need, it looks like God doesn't care.
Think of a petulant teenager who wants to go out with friends on a Friday night to a certain part of town. Now, the parent knows that's a bad part of town - it's not healthy for the child - so the parent says "no". From the child's perspective, the parent is being mean and uncaring. But the parent isn't; he's doing what's in the child's best interest. The child needs friendship and community with peers, but shouldn't be exposing himself to danger to get it.
We all need love, affection, and companionship. God knows that. But sometimes, we have to allow Him to provide for these needs in the way that is best for us, which may not be the way we want, or think that is best for us. We shouldn't try to dictate to God by what method He will provide for our needs.
It's okay to be angry at God. There are many passages in Scripture where people were angry with Him. Children get angry with their parents all the time. It's how we handle our anger that matters.
Whenever there's a crisis, there are two possibilities: You can turn towards God, or away from Him. It sounds like you've chosen the latter. But think what might happen to that rebellious teenager who decides to go to that bad part of town on Friday night.
Is it easy? HECK, NO! I struggle with this daily. But as I go back to God over and over, I can see progress. He is shaping me, showing me new avenues of growth opening up new points of release. But it means I have to stick with it. Sometimes, it takes going through a trial to shape us into the right sort of person to sustain an intimate relationship.
50. John D. said the following at 7:06 AM on Jul 19:
Trey (post 43),
Thanks for being honest. While some might consider your words to be borderline blasphemy, the Lord knows the thoughts and intents of your heart in any case. Even David in the Psalms poured out his feelings to the Lord.
All I can add is that the Lord never made any guarantees that any of us would get married, in our 20s or at any other point. Don't blame Him for breaking a promise He never made.
(Incidentally, consider how good the Lord has been to you by allowing you to be born in -- I'm guessing -- an affluent country, in good health and with at least a measure of political freedom. Many people are far worse off than you, and yet they have found that God is good.)
I trust you will find that the promises He did make (never leave you or forsake you, deliver you from hell and give you eternal life if you believe in Him) are yea and Amen, and He will not disappoint you in those.
(P.S. I am a 43-year-old never-married man who has struggled mightily with disappointment in this area, so don't think I can't relate.)
51. Louise said the following at 11:04 AM on Jul 19:
Trey, I am forty-two years old, divorced with no children.
I live with my neutered male black cat.
Several people on this blog believe that the above two sentences would qualify me for automatic "loser" status, but I know that they are incorrect and that I am a worthwhile person and I have a lot to offer other people, those who share my secular worldview and those who do not.
Please, sir, do not give up on your goals and consider your life to be over!
Youth has several advantage to be sure, but us "middle-agers" have advantages too.
Blessing to you, sir!
Louise
52. Richard said the following at 2:05 PM on Jul 19:
Well, I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 24.
What bothered me the most about being single so long was all the people, including people who call themselves Christian, who tried to blame my singleness on things that simply were not true of me.
Some said I was simply too shy (not true), that I wasn't a confident enough leader (not true), that I didn't really want one (not true), that I didn't know how to relate to girls (not true), that I had unrealistic standards (not true), and I could go on and on and on.
So a lot of people add injury to insult, trying to blame people for thier single status rather than being helpful and supportive.
Having now found someone who I adore with all my heart, I now know why I had to wait, and it had nothing to do with not being a good enough potential husband. It was simple God had a plan and a time, and HIS will, not mine, was to be worked out in my life.
So to those who are going around, including some people at Focus on the Family, who are going around blaming single people for being single, please keep your mouth closed.
And to all those who are still single and miserable, good luck and I hope God brings you the right person in the right time.
53. Trey said the following at 5:05 PM on Jul 19:
Dan, thank you for your empathy. It seems that many posting her are just like the jerk you described using God's sovereignty to discourage us. Shame on you Mike. Re-read my post. I was not looking to be married by 25. I only wanted some hope. I wanted a date, possible a girl-friend. Thanks to my disability, I am socially awkward. I believe with a little assistance from a Christian brother or sister, I could have over came this. But what did I get? Trust God's sovereignty. Personally, He can shove it, and you to Mike. I feel like God is uncaring. I base that upon the actions of his wonderful followers.
Rachael, I have tried doing similar things, but gain no consolation. My pain is present, not past. I have lived with it for over 20 years. I need more than empty promises of "God knows what's best" or "be thankful for what you have." My desire for a beautiful, loving wife and a little girl will not go away. At least not until I go away.
54. Vincenzo said the following at 10:13 PM on Jul 19:
Okay....I have to ask.
Is this widespread epidemic of protracted singleness a primarily a Western phenomenon? From what I've read, Christians in non-Westernized countries (not including those ravaged by war or poverty) don't seem to have a problem in this area. In fact, from people that I've talked with, if one wishes to marry, the family and community get involved and help that person in his/her search for a spouse. Hmmm....maybe we could learn a thing or two from them.
55. hyla said the following at 9:50 AM on Jul 21:
Suzanne,
i'd enjoyed reading all the articles in this topics.I'm 26,also waiting for the right man in the right time. i want to share this thoughts.It comes from my friend who gives a lots of inspiring thought on waiting.
In our Prayer Life,there are 3 answers of God in our prayer.Yes!if that is for you and that is what His WILL for you,No! if that is not,Wait!if it is not the right time for you.
How we will know if it is "wait"?....
My friend told me,"wait" when God gives you the opportunity or a chance to hope for...
if it is not?God never give you a chance to hope for...
Hope to help this thought for everyone who are waiting the right partner in life.
Keep waiting!
Jesus Christ is enough to give our needs.He knows everything!We must trust Him with all our heart,and with all our understanding.
God bless!
56. Sarah P. said the following at 12:44 PM on Jul 21:
Trey, ever since I read your initial comment I've been praying for you, because I didn't know what to say. Now I have read other people's thoughts and your responses. They care; I care. If you were sitting next to me, I would feed you, and then I would listen to you pour out your woes (with other people present).
I want to ask, what do you want or expect from other people and from God? Do you think you are special in some way, that others should shower out love on you, but you need not respect them in return? Do you think that the God who created you, holds every atom together, and who died for you, owes you something? Even more so, do you think your anger is going to change reality around you?
Yes, you're hurting, and yes, nobody else has ever experienced the precise combination of pain you have. None of us are inside your head; none of us can fully understand. That can be very lonely.
Nobody has felt your pain but Jesus. He felt all your pain and everyone else's as well; he is a "man of sorrows, acquainted with grief." He is the one and only answer. I would truly not love you if I told you anything else. There is absolutely a way out of the pain and loneliness, but it means going exactly where you don't want to go - back to God. And that probably means facing up to yourself and hurting more first.
Faith is "knowing that God exists and that he delights to reward those who diligently seek him." And faith is the "evidence of things not seen." It means walking out that truth when we can't yet see the rewards.
I know that God cares for you right now. He cares more for you than you do. He is right now working to shape you in a way you don't want to go, into something beautiful. You are the sheep in Psalms 23, and the Shepherd is leading you with his crook around your neck.
I wish I could tell you these things in person and help you concretely in some way, but I can't. So I will be praying.
Love and prayers...
57. BDB said the following at 2:02 PM on Jul 21:
Vincenzo (#54) wrote:
>>Is this widespread epidemic of protracted singleness a primarily a Western phenomenon?<<
Yes, I think it is.
I really saw this in Cambodia: I never met any single Western men. But I met several who were married to Cambodian women. In all cases, their wives were up to their elbows supporting their husband's calling. They understood their calling, could discuss it intelligently (in English!) and were deliberately watching for ways they could advance his calling.
In contrast, I met several single Western women who were living there. They were very enthusiastic on meeting me; they wanted to know who I was, what I was doing there, if I was staying, etc. Within the first two minutes of conversation there were telling me about their calling, etc. The interesting thing was, they were all taller than me, but that didn't seem to matter. It also became clear pretty quickly that they were getting tired of following their calling alone. And these were people in their 20's.
In the U.S., I really think that many Christians have lost sight of this idea of a joint calling. About 95% of the time what I hear from people is primarily their judgements on the physical attractiveness of the opposite sex - both men and women do this. Secondarily, it's about the entertainment value - how much fun they are in an entertainment setting, etc. Questions of calling are considered only on a tertiary basis.
It really came home when I had lunch with someone in the Taipei airport. She had also just left Cambodia after having done a bunch of medical work. She's planning to move there.
At the time, I was engrossed in the conversation. But in looking at my pictures after the fact, I realized that I wasn't exactly looking my best - we'd already been up 10 hours and carrying luggage is guaranteed to leave one quite sweaty when leaving a humid place like Cambodia. I'm struck by how "looks" were not a barrier to accepting a lunch invitation. She looked really good to - better than people who've turned me down for lunch in the U.S.
So, my overall experience convinces me that people embedded in a Western environment tend to be focused on superficial things. This is probably why the divorce rate is so high in the church. Outside a Western environment, priorities shift.
58. Trey said the following at 3:29 PM on Jul 21:
Sarah, thanks for your post. It really touched me. Mike and John, I apologize if my last post sounded like an insult.
Am I special? No more so than anyone else. Do I think others should shower love on me with out any responsibility on my part? No, and I also want to apologize for lashing out at you guys. Most of you are sincere in your desire to help, even if your posts aren't in fact any helpful at all.
Does God owe me something? I don't think I ever said that, though given the attitude displayed in my last post I can see why that might be inferred. Once again let me apologize to Mike and John. Will my anger change anything or make it better? No, but it keeps me from going completely insane. I feel like I have no one with whom to talk about these feelings. My friends were not their for me, not was my family, when I needed them. As a result, I descended into a deep depression and really screwd up my life in many ways. I take responsibility for my actions; however, in the past--and present--I have gone out of my way to help others with various problems. Yet, when I had a vexing problem, no one was there for me, not even to listen.
When I graduated from college in 1989 Magna Cum Laude, my mother and father became irate when I displayed depression over this issue. And my Christian friends (at the time I was an active part of a college ministry), they had the same attitude that many of you have. Wait on God. Trust in his goodness, His timing. I held on for as long as I could. In graduate school after about a year, I could not wait any longer. I needed someone, but no one was there. Maybe I am being a little selfish. If so, I sure am not the only one.
Why did God leave me alone? I do not know. But I know in His sovereign grace, He could have sent someone in my direction, either that special someone or a friend to help me along the way. (As I said before, I have a mild disability, and I am a little socially awkward). Eventually, I lostg my faith.
I would like to add other issues played a part in my loss of faith, including the scandals involving certain televangelists and the nature of Bibilical authority (inerrancy), which I studied for part of my master's thesis. (No, I was not in seminary).
This will be my last post on this issue. You can write to me over e-mail if you wish. My address was listed above. Before I go, I would like to add that the church does I miserable job handling disability issues from my experience, and I believe Dr. Dobson has even acknowledged this in the past.
Thanks for your patience with me, disgruntle former believer. I hold no grudges against any of you and hope you can say the same of me.
59. Mike said the following at 4:28 PM on Jul 21:
Trey -
Socially awkward, huh? Well, I have something called gynecomastea. Google it, if you're curious; it started when I was an adolescent. And I was teased mercilessly about it. I know all about being socially awkward. I thought I found love, only to be dumped by the woman I trusted. I know all about being rejected, and being angry about it. No, I don't know the specifics of your circumstances, but I do know what anger can do to personal relationships.
I tried the soft approach, so now I'm going to be more direct. Might I suggest to you that your anger is possibly a reason why you remain alone? In the words of Gary Smalley, anger is a barrier to intimacy. Women are very good at sensing other people's emotional states - better than we men are. The fact that you are so angry will broadcast itself to the people around you - and will drive any attempt at intimacy away.
I was attempting to share something with you that has given me some consolation in the midst of my pain over my divorce. I think your reaction was, although understandable, a bit over the top.
If you're coming here for someone to listen to you, then softening your tone just a bit might do you some good. If you tell other people - and God - to "shove it" often enough, you might get what you're asking for. Is that really what you want?
60. Mandi said the following at 5:55 PM on Jul 21:
A word of encouragement: waiting is hard. I know, I waited an awfully long time...almost the last of my friends to get married. And it was after 30.
But you know what? After you get married, even with all the challenges of being newlyweds (and it's not all peaches and cream, even with Mr. Right)...it's probably like how the Bible describes childbirth. Once it's done, you forget all the pain. So much so, that it can often be hard for you to remember what it's like for others still waiting and empathize with them (but that's not good!).
I'm counting on childbirth to feel like that in a couple of months, God willing. :)
God bless.
61. Rachael said the following at 8:35 PM on Jul 21:
Regarding BDB's (57) final paragraph...
While there definitely does seem to be cultural differences (which might also be different within a country but in different areas) regarding marriage and spouse-finding, I don't think the element of superficial-ity is necessarily culturally classifiable, (whatever that means).
I teach ESL, and marriage/relationships has been a recent topic in the class. One guy (not from a "Western environment", though there are definitely Western influences all over his country) said that good looks was a factor (or one of the important factors?) in finding a spouse. Good for him for being honest. His classmates were not sticking up for him as one guy (from yet another continent) was vehemently disagreeing with him. It was quite funny. The guy in support of good looks is a funny character in class, but, I believe his attitude toward good looks was genuine.
I think in cultures where marriage is more of an "optional" thing rather than an "expectation" or maybe more of a "necessity-ish" thing, and where arranged(ish) marriages aren't prevalent, they may be more picky. In cultures where people freely choose their spouses, it seems that attraction is often one important element. Attraction is definitely relative, can be cultivated, and is not only skin deep, though, of course...
62. Jess said the following at 9:05 PM on Jul 22:
I'm having a really hard time with waiting as well in my work and finding 'the one'. For me the worst part is that there is really no where to 'look' for 'the one'. I can't find a church near me with single christian guys around my age (25) and i'm not really sure where else to look. So far God hasn't just dropped him in my lap so to speak. I have faith that it will work out it self out of couse but it would be nice if I felt like I was doing something. I think that makes since. It's late....
I just got the mag for the first time today and got online. It's very cool to see.
63. Dan {real name} said the following at 11:37 PM on Jul 23:
Regarding the "protracted singleness" problem.
I too have noticed it in looking around and speaking with my parents. However...
PLEASE!!!! LET'S HAVE NO MORE FINGER POINTING!!!! IF ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FIND BLAME AND POINT FINGERS, GO FIND SOME OTHER BLOG.
Too many peole theorizing about it, with each person having a different reason. NOTHING ever gets resolved by just debating who's to blame.
EVER.
Don't believe it? Go read any previous Boundless post and the responses to said post.
Let's be a part of the solution, not the problem....
64. John said the following at 9:01 PM on Jul 24:
I agree. It's so important to remind ourselves that God is both sovereign and loving - those 2 components need to be coupled together while discussing disappointment in life. My name is John and I'm in a band called REILLY out of Philadelphia. I have written and recorded a song about this topic and many people have shared kinds words about how it really encouraged them to push through and keep waiting for God's timing and blessing. The song is called "Beautiful You" and you can hear it here: www.myspace.com/reillytheband
I hope it speaks to you. The song itself helped me during that difficult time... Blessings! We have an awesome Father.
john
PS- Boundless has featured REILLY's music in episode #021 on June 13th.
65. R said the following at 9:44 PM on Jul 24:
Dan (#63)
"Let's be a part of the solution, not the problem...."
I do believe some folks are trying to be part of the solution.
"Too many peole theorizing about it, with each person having a different reason. NOTHING ever gets resolved by just debating who's to blame. EVER"
That seems quite short-sighted. Certainly there are some very bad theories out there, which have led many individuals to dismantle many of these myths that come-up from time to time.
I have also seen some very solid comments in the past.
How else will people learn from the mistakes of others? Some commentators obviously have many years of life experience and observations that would be wasted had they stay silent. Of course these comments must be from a Scriptural framework.
66. Dam \real name\ said the following at 1:05 PM on Jul 25:
R post 65:
I agree with you too that there are bad theories out there that need to be dismantled. Also to let you know, I am one of those commentators that has had life experience and, despite being outside of boundless' target audience, I still feel compelled to post at times.
My comment of "be a part of the solution, not the problem" was unclear I have to admit and maybe not thought through. Here is what I wanted to convey: AT SOME POINT, it does no good to rehash the old arguments that repeatedly show up here whenever there is a boundless post on relationships, such as "all men are afraid of marriage and addicted to video games", "all women want only money and once they get married they will divorce to get the money", "you are a bad man if you are not pursuing marriage", "all women want a cushy existence in the sin-free suburbs with their white picket fence and their shiny, clean, perfect 2.4 kids", "all men want to marry one of the Olson twins" - of course these are gross generalizations mixed with bits of truth and error, but from reading Boundless for several years, these arguments and variations of said arguments pop up at times. And by the way, my closest friend and I disagree somewhat on the application of the "be content in all circumstances" in regards to relationships, and we still remain very close. We can debate this, but we don't have to divide over it.
Obviously the issue of relationships is very important to posters here and it is understandable why the relationship posts do seem to get the most responses. Maybe because I (from painful past experiences) hate to see people wallow in despondency and the "blame others first" mentality, this is why I react to posts that involve alot of blame and fingerpointing.
By the way, would you be willing to respond to my question to you from the "Girly men...Episode #25 -my post #38- question to you about why you think there are no "pursuable" women around you?
67. Trey said the following at 2:59 PM on Jul 25:
"girly men"--I didn't know the Terminator blogged on Boundless. Ha, Ha, Ha.
My great uncles' wife of 32 years passed away from complications from Gastric Bypass. Please let anyone know who may be considering this procedure that about 10% develop serious complications, and some die. Try Atkins, the Zone, South Beach, Medifast, Doug Kaufman's antifungal diet, etc.--only go under the knife as a last result.
How is this related to this post? This woman was grossly overweight when they met. He married her anyway, and they had 32 pretty good years together. Looks aren't everything (they don't hurt though).
I am feeling much better. Thanks for your patience. Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup--Lonely People written by Dan Peek of America, later a best selling Christian artist.
68. R said the following at 5:43 AM on Jul 26:
Dan (#66),
How shall I answer? Only the Lord knows. I can only describe what many of us guys are facing today (See also descriptions by other posts & comments as well: career, worldliness, dating "bad boys").
69. dan real-name said the following at 4:11 PM on Jul 26:
R (pst #68):
Thanks for your response. Part of the reason I asked is that I know that such comments (about "there are no good women available/all the good women are already taken") do draw a negative response from women, just as when I and other men get offended when women say that there are no good men available, or that "all the good men are taken."
Again, I am not familiar with your situation (living in a sparsely populated area, living in a spiritually dark area - which can include having churches around in which most of the congregants are focused on worldly things? for example). Years ago when a (female) friend of mine decided she wanted to be married, she made a (mental?) list of all the men she would consider going out on a date with if asked. This is kind of what I have decided to do earlier this year - making a mental list of women I would be interested in asking out. And trust me, my "list" isn't just based on superficial stuff.
BTW, I hear this complaint at times on Boundless that men are turned off by women who are independent, have a career, and own their own place - an "argument" that I personally don't understand and cannot relate to, having grown up with three strong and sucessful women. So gals, it you are reading this, the above argument isn't necessarily true.
Again, I am not familiar with your situation, but this is what I have had to do in order to overcome my passivity and get beyond the "where are the good women?" syndrome.
70. pol doll said the following at 5:26 AM on Oct 13:
I really think the equally yoked thing is so important, but then communication is the key-first with jesus and then your friendships /relationships.
I am australian, here we have a statistic of 1 in 2 marriages breaking down. How are we different from the world if we don't offer an alternative to how to do life? That is being a christian as a role model for living. Unfortunately the divorce stats are the same in the church. But there is an alternative-we can seek the Lord about how we live and actually follow him and not just talk about it- and have the word and his presence to guide us.
We forget we all carry the holy spirit, but do we learn to tune our ears into his frequency?
I long for a man who is in love with Jesus, who has been through stuff with God knowing he has nothing to offer the Lord only himself. faith is basic it is just us and the Lord.
Where are the men who desire to live for the Lord, who will go when God says to go.
Who will allow and respect the input of a wife. Who will lead in equality but listening to what his wife has to say knowing he will have wisdom where she may not and vise versa.
Where is the obedience of the spiritual disciplines of hearing his voice, using our discernment to hear the Lord's paths.
I don't feel lonely, I just feel like something is missing in my life, it is a wierd sense you know.
I am a strong woman, with many skills- where are the emn who will allow me to be me who will not flatten my prophetic gift, who will let me lead when the time calls for it.
I do not meat many men who could lead me, men have often been intimidated by me.
It is hard to wait but I know like the lazarus timing, like the birth of a baby, there is a divine timing to life's events-I will wait despite my uncomfortableness. :))