Non-Negotiable Dates
by Motte Brown on 07/09/2008 at 6:00 AM
Today is the first day of my annual family vacation.
Every year we visit my side of the family in South Carolina and rent a house on the coast. We sun on the beach, swim in the ocean, fish and crab in the inlet, play Canasta, and generally eat way too much.
The dates I schedule each year for my family vacation are what Voddie Baucham calls "non-negotiable dates." In his book Family Driven Faith, Voddie explains that taking time off work to spend with family establishes a hierarchy of sorts.
You will be amazed by how much excitement this will bring to your children. It will let them know how important they are, how important your marriage is, and how precious you consider your time with them. It will also send a clear message that they will remember when the culture tries to pry them away. It is much easier to tell Junior that he has to miss a band practice here and there if he knows there are certain events in the family that relegate even Dad's job to the backseat.
And to ensure that this message doesn't get muddled, I've arranged for a guest Boundless Line moderator starting today. Yes, certain family events relegate even this blog to the backseat.
See you in two weeks.
1. Amir Larijani said the following at 6:14 AM on Jul 9:
I'll take it you won't be at Parris Island...
2. AEB said the following at 8:21 AM on Jul 9:
South Carolina? Where? If you're anywhere near Charleston, you're welcome to meet me and hubby for coffee and dessert. :)
3. Meghan said the following at 9:51 AM on Jul 9:
What does something like this mean for those of us in a 24/7 shift work environment? While I don't have my own family now, my parents and siblings are in the area so I visit them. I've seen some of the difficulties my co-worker with a young son has in trading shifts and finding babysitters (his wife works overnights at the hospital). Because our department is 24/7, something always has to be there on the holidays. While I've requested as much of the holidays off as I can and I can request vacation time (which usually gets approved), I'm eventually going to have to work on a holiday. How might this concept be worked into that kind of environment?
4. Claire said the following at 10:54 AM on Jul 9:
I wish I could have some "non-negotiable" dates, but that really can't happen for everyone, no matter how hard you may try.
My wedding is coming up and you'd think that would be a date that is "non-negotiable," but since my finance is in the military, you can't plan things like that. As of right now, he's flying in the night before...I hope things don't change or he may miss the wedding!
Military families never have "non-negotiable" days or weeks. Well actually, the military tells you, "this is non-negotiable and you are going to Iraq." So I guess it is in there somewhere ...
Anyway, I agree with your post that families do need set time aside to spend together ... just know that not everyone has the luxury you do.
5. LG said the following at 10:58 AM on Jul 9:
It's true...your kids will be thankful for these times forever. :)
Growing up, every family trip we went on always involved a measure of stress or tension because my dad would bring along his briefcase or laptop, and often be on the phone a couple times a day with people on his team. I don't think he has ever completely taken off work for a family vacation.
So enjoy yours! :D
6. DannieA said the following at 11:23 AM on Jul 9:
have fun Motte. I may be 30, but I still love taking vacations with my parents.
They are my favorite memories of my family.
7. Tom Neven said the following at 12:14 PM on Jul 9:
Amir (#1)
Been there. No fun.
8. BDB said the following at 1:44 PM on Jul 9:
Meghan (#3) wrote:
>>I'm eventually going to have to work on a holiday. How might this concept be worked into that kind of environment?<<
The nurses on our recent overseas trip ended up explaining to their respective hospitals that they had $1200 plane tickets that were non-refundable. That's how they avoided getting their two-week vacations moved.
But they all had to be back to work immediately upon their return. I'm certain they will be working some holidays to make up for taking two weeks off at one time. Our flight got changed on the return, forcing a couple of them to call from Taipei to explain that they wouldn't, after all, be able to come in to work July 4th. They will no doubt be working Labor Day and other holidays to cover for the people who covered for them.
Since graduating high school, I've always taken at least five days off for Christmas in Seattle. It means that I usually volunteer to work around other holidays -
And I've covered for my boss when he takes his family vacations that are non-negotiable. He was in Iowa once when some corporate execs decided to do a surprise visit to our facility. He almost - almost - bought a really expensive plane ticket to fly home. But our results were good, we weren't in any trouble, so we handled it without him.
9. Sylvia said the following at 2:23 PM on Jul 9:
I think it is wonderful that you have this opportunity with your family and that you make it a priority.
That said, I think "family-driven" things are just as lopsided and ripe for abuse as "purpose-driven" "mission-driven" and anything else that isn't totally "God driven".
You are doing a right and good thing, but as Claire #4 pointed out, families are really different. Situations are really different. There are families here in the USA and around the world that will never have such wonderful opportunities, but they trust in the Lord to provide for them and to help them provide for their families. They do whatever they can to let their kids know that they are loved and valued, but for a lot of people that does not manifest itself as a lot of fun.
I love what you are doing, and would recommend it to anyone who can. What I do not love so much are more of those patronizing books telling everyone how to live for the Lord as a middle class American. We Americans love our fun, but as tough economic times approach, we might give some thought to the way we use fun to show our love. It's valid. Its wonderful. But I think it is such a small part of what love is.
I think that if we abide in Christ's love, he can show us how to love our families, right here, right now, better than any trendy bourgeois book.
10. Lynne said the following at 3:14 PM on Jul 9:
Claire (#4)
Thank you to you and your fiance for the sacrifices you're making for our country. I, and my family, truly appreciate it.
11. Kate said the following at 9:54 PM on Jul 9:
No family of my own yet, but I keep a few non-negotiables in the summer season . . .
1. have at least one special dinner/part with friends
2. visit home for longer than a weekend
3. re-read at least one of the Anne of Green Gables books (a girlhood favorite).
Dates are shifted around, but each of these is a must. It may see to be small, but it makes room for my family, friends and a bit of recharging my mental batteries.
12. George said the following at 12:49 AM on Jul 10:
No family of my own too, and my parents and siblings are on the other side of the hemisphere. I have a few non-negotiables of my own:
1. have Bible study with church brothers/sisters at least once a week.
2. meet a fellow Christian brother for fellowship outside of a church setting at least once a week.
3. visit my parents and sibling at least once every year or two, depending on available holidays.
The first 2 keeps me accountable in my spiritual walk, and the last one I find that I need to do because one can choose their friends, but family is for life.
13. Lynne said the following at 8:44 AM on Jul 10:
I wonder, Sylvia (from comment #9), if you've ever even read the book?
14. Amir Larijani said the following at 10:12 AM on Jul 10:
Tom: Yeah, but just think of what a marketing campaign the Marines would have by advertising Boot Camp as a vacation.
"The economy is in the tank. You have no summer job. Things are boring around the house. Join the Marines and enjoy an action-filled Summer vacation in South Carolina!
The food is great; you'll get in the shape of your life; you'll enjoy those sessions on the gun range; the long hikes in the woods are adventurous, and the campouts are breathtaking!"
Of course, an extended vacation in Iraq and/or the lovely mountains of Afghanistan is also part of the deal, but I digress...
15. Tom Neven said the following at 10:31 AM on Jul 10:
Amir (#14)
You forgot the lovely sand fleas, which are very active this time of year.
Oh, and it's not a "gun range." It's the rifle range. The drill instructors have a little ditty (too obscene to repeat in polite company) for anyone who confuses his gun and his rifle.
16. Amir Larijani said the following at 10:43 AM on Jul 10:
Tom: Yep. I forgot that one. I go to a civilian range to shoot pistol and rifle every couple weeks, but yeah--in the Marines they call it the rifle range.
I love shooting my AR-15, so that part of military training I would probably enjoy! With ammo prices being what they are, at least Uncle Sam would be paying for the ammo. LOL
17. Esther said the following at 11:21 AM on Jul 10:
When I was growing up and my dad was getting his business off the ground, he could barely take 3 days off together, so long family vacations were pretty rare. But our (somewhat) non-negotiable times were daily family dinners. All 7 of us were expected to be there, and this is when we told stories, exchanged trivia, perfected puns and ate my mom's outstanding homecooked meals. Sometimes things were rushed, especially as we got older and everyone had activities, but I have many memories of long discussions about many topics (the dictionary and encyclopedia were kept in the dining room as easy resources), as well as laughing hysterically.
Sometimes I got frustrated when my parents insisted that I be home for dinner, rather than going out with friends, but I know now that those were the times when we were knit together as a family.
So I don't think you need a long vacation at the beach to create life-long memories and connections. Those times are great, but any yearly traditions- even going to pick apples together every fall, are ways to build connection that don't take more than a Saturday afternoon.
18. Tom Neven said the following at 11:58 AM on Jul 10:
Amir
I just realized that it was 34 years ago today that I was introduced to Parris Island's special ambiance.
19. Sylvia said the following at 3:31 PM on Jul 10:
Lynne #13,
Nope, I was going entirely off the terms "family-driven" and "non-negotiable dates", and was doing so on the assumption that Mr. Brown had given a fair representation of how the book defined and used these terms.
In a sense, I was responding to Mr. Brown's response to the book, and not the book in its entirety.
Whew! I feel better! Its like a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders! Now that I have confessed publicly that I do not read every bit of over-priced repackaged general revelation that they dump off at Barnes and Noble along with the accompanying workbooks, are you going to tell me what I missed by not reading this book? Or are you just going to bask in the warm satisfaction of having exposed my ignorance?
20. Lynne said the following at 4:09 PM on Jul 10:
No, Sylvia, I'm not going to scold you! Dr. Baucham is my dad, so I just wanted to know if you'd read the book. :)
Sincerely,
Jasmine (or "Lynne")
21. Sylvia said the following at 5:03 PM on Jul 10:
Lynne # 20
Touche!
There have been times that people have pulled out the old, "Did you actually read the book?" to shut down debate. I am very relieved that you weren't doing this!
I can only respond to the way the book was used for the purposes of this post, and may very well be missing the very best parts of it.
It really would be interesting to hear any points you have to add as far as the books content goes. I can imagine that it isn't presented in it's best light when it is basically being used as a starting block to explain why a beloved blogger won't be blogging for a couple of weeks ;-)
Thanks for the soft answer to my snarkiness. There's no really good excuse for it, but I DID just read "The Shack" so that I would be able to respond intelligently about it, and, well, I'm kinda beyond traumatized---hysterically frightened of books and speaking less intelligently than ever! :-O
22. Sadie said the following at 8:20 PM on Jul 10:
After reading all the comments I thought I had missed the meaning of the original blog. Thank you to Esther (#17) who supported what I felt was the original intent. I don't think it is the quantity of time spent with family, but that one sets aside time for family and makes it a priority.
Think of all the movies based on absentee parents (because they are workaholics or other) who miss an important event in the life of their child, child responds negatively, parent then realizes that they were a jerk..... cue Hollywood ending. There must be something to the concept of family spending time together, maybe even a longing within us.
23. Russian Girls said the following at 5:16 AM on Jul 14:
I'm quite young but family reunions bring me lots of pleasure. I've been a lot around South Carolina and I think North Myrtle Beach is kind of ideal place to meet with family.
24. Jburke said the following at 7:52 PM on Jul 14:
Sylvia, I want to speak about Family Driven Faith because of what it has meant to my family even though the author's own daughter was so graceful to you. I am not doing so to scold you, but because the book is so convicting I want to let others know how it affected my husband.
The book is about how parents are responsible for their children's discipleship and spiritual growth and not the church or anyone else. The book calls for families to worship together in and out of the home. It is not based on the Deut. 6:6-9.
In a nutshell, my husband was not leading my family. He was not acting responsibly for our spiritual growth. After he read the book, he said that he felt like if he wanted to be a man, he needed to change. He began leading us in regular worship in the home, got involved with the discipleship of both me and our kids and began to take his own walk with the Lord more seriously.
Seriously, I think all people who are parents, want to be parents someday, or even want to be married someday need to read this book.
So the reason it is called family driven faith is because based on scripture, kids' faith is supposed to be taught and learned in the home from the parents.
I hope you will read it. I think you will appreciate it as much as I did. And I hope I was able to come across as gracefully as Jasmine did...
25. Leah said the following at 11:00 PM on Jul 15:
Re: gun ranges-
The city I live in has two gun ranges, a rifle range and a pistol range. Neither is military and neither ever gets called a gun range :P