A Quiver Full of Sorrows?
by Motte Brown on 07/02/2008 at 4:00 PM
For most people, the American Dream means getting married, buying a house, and raising a family. But according to new research on the emotional state of parents, the dream is more of a nightmare.
Yesterday, Newsweek posted a True or False article titled "Having Kids Makes You Happy."
Here's their answer:
The most recent comprehensive study on the emotional state of those with kids shows us that the term "bundle of joy" may not be the most accurate way to describe our offspring. "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not."
The articles states that the researcher received a lot of hate mail after her findings were published. But I'm unaffected. In fact, I would be more shocked if the opposite were true. I mean, really, am I to expect anything different from a country where one of the "happiest" days of the year for parents is the first day of school? Our culture practically encourages the devaluation of the company of children with all the ways you can outsource the hard work: daycare, preschool, K-12, youth groups, sports camps, television, etc.
It seems that all these happiness studies do is reflect how selfish we are. And there's nothing in the world that'll expose our desire for self more than kids.
Raising children is hard, expensive, and life-long. It's practically non-stop work for about 20 or 30 years (depending on how many you have). So if you primarily see them as mouths to feed, carpet stains and college tuition, then the research makes perfect sense. For these kinds of parents, happiness fades as soon as their narcissistic expectations begin to go unmet.
But thankfully, that's not the way God feels about children. God says that children are a gift; that the family with many is blessed. And Jesus made a statement about the value of children when He rebuked his disciples for preventing them from coming to him. So who need "happiness" surveys when you have God's promises to rely on.
1. Elizabeth said the following at 5:01 PM on Jul 2
It really is sad how anti-kid our culture is. I wonder--when are the measuring the emotional happiness of the parents? Someone who is in the throes of parenting may not be as happy currently, but 30 years later when their kids are grown and they are reaping the fruits of their labor...I'd wager they have a lot more contentedness and satisfaction than they did when they were short on sleep because the baby had only slept for 5 hours. Plus, if you measure by the world's standards, then most of us (myself included) should be extrememly unhappy, and I for one love my life, even though I don't have a huge house, fancy car, lots of clothes, etc.
2. Kellie said the following at 7:03 PM on Jul 2
With the exception of tv, I think all the ways of "outsourcing the hard work" are fine in moderation. Not all of us are going to be stay-at-home parents who homeschool (and isn't youth group a good thing? It was the highlight of my week when I was in high school.)
3. Chris said the following at 7:12 PM on Jul 2
Elizabeth writes:
It really is sad how anti-kid our culture is.
Really? I view it the opposite way. Politics often boil down to "won't someone think of the children?" Thousands of sports leagues exist for children of all ages. People get into big arguments over school choice/funding/performance/etc. Part of the whole gay marriage issue rides on what is best for children (a mom/dad home vs. a choice between a loving home and foster care/neglect).
I feel society concerns itself a great deal with children, often to the point that we do stupid things such as child-proofing life to the point that kids won't get scraped knees. (Anyone with boys knows this is impossible. I've yet to figure out where my boys get all those bruises and scrapes.)
As for the studies, I wouldn't get too worked up about the happiness factor. One section noted that parents have a deeper sense of purpose. Those of us who are dedicated to things (children, politics, the environment, whatever), IMHO, tend to be less "happy" than others because we care and get worked up about things.
One thing I thought interesting was the issue about the cost of raising a child. It is hard to be happy when you're worried about your child getting proper health care and education. I'd argue that this is an example of society being anti-child.......
4. Gina said the following at 8:34 PM on Jul 2
Thank you so much for your views on this. As a teacher who works in a public school, I constantly see how teachers are raising the children, not the parents. It is a sad state of affairs and often leads to problems because there is usually conflicts between teacher and parents.
5. Mrs. C said the following at 8:59 PM on Jul 2
I suppose it shouldn't be surprising, and certainly our culture should value children and life much more. Though I did wonder if many "childless" couples at one time struggled with infertility and other issues, but later made a joyous and lasting peace with their lives as they are?
Just wondering. I know some people who for whatever reason have empty quivers.
6. elle said the following at 9:30 PM on Jul 2
I have several little ones, and i would say that i have learned alot so far. Would i really know how selfish i am and that i get angry more than i thought i did, if i didn't have kids?
And really, is life only about being happy??
Or can we learn to be joyful, even doing the dishes at midnight? And being awake at 3 am to hold and feed that beautiful little person God personally created-I would be very sad to miss that. Even if they are wailing.
7. Sylvia said the following at 10:38 PM on Jul 2
I can tell you why parents are so unhappy, their kids "rule the roost"! I work at a Christian preschool and I see it everyday..."child-centered" homes. Mom and Dad have created little monsters, and it's no fun living with a monster!
Little Johnny comes through the door every morning telling mommy what he will and won't do. Instead of putting his belongings in his cubby, he drops them at mommy's feet and informs her that "she" will put his things in his cubby. As she kisses him goodbye he suddenly starts screaming and crying for her not to leave him. The caregiver has to literally pry him off and mommy goes out the door, eyes filled with tears and a heart full of guilt. But before you feel sorry for little Johnny, you need to know that he's only at preschool for a couple of hours, it's not daycare. When Johnny realizes his tears didn't work, he instantly stops crying and begins playing happily with his friends.
But "happy" play doesn't last for long. You see, Johnny has a problem with sharing and taking turns. At his house he's use to getting what he wants, when he wants it, for as long as he wants it. Put him in an environment where that doesn't happen, and you guessed it...screaming, hitting, and sometimes biting.
It's now time for a "potty break". Little Johnny informs you that "he doesn't wipe his own bottom". (Johnny is 4 years old!)
Snack time rolls around. Johnny is lacking in self-help skills in this area, too. The straw in his juice box begins dripping juice out onto the table and he starts screaming. It's just a little puddle the size of a quarter but it's the end of the world for Johnny. He now must be "convinced" that there's still plenty of juice in the box and to finish eating his snack. But there's another problem, Johnny doesn't like what mommy packed him for snack. He eats 2 spoonfuls of his yogurt, takes one bite from his banana, and throws the rest away.
If a parent brings cupcakes for snack, Johnny takes the icing and smears it all over his face. He thinks it's "cute", and if mommy's there with her camera, she's encouraging it even more so she can get a "cute" picture.
Now it's time for recess. Johnny has to be first at everything. Johnny cries because no one will play with him. Johnny "constantly" whines and tattles on the other children for the very offenses he himself inflicts on others!
At last, three hours have passed and it's time for Johnny to go home. Johnny is now playing happily in the room. As soon as mommy walks through the door, the tears and the "attitude" begin.
Mommy promises him a "happy meal" and a trip to "Toys r Us" if he'll put his coat on and stop crying. And out the door they go!
Now I only have little Johnny for 3 hours a couple of days each week. I can't imagine what 24/7 would look like with this kid. And by the way, Johnny's Mom and Dad are Christians who claim to have read all the "right books", and attend a church where good parenting has been modeled.
My kids are all grown now and I miss those younger years terribly. They were the best years of my life. I can't relate to these parents, but then I didn't live with a bunch of little tyrants either. How sad that so many of today's parents miss out on such joy.
8. DannieA said the following at 11:10 PM on Jul 2
Motte said:
" It's practically non-stop work for about 20 or 30 years (depending on how many you have)"
Ok Motte, I have to laugh at this....cultural differences I think...in our family, once you have kids, you don't sleep until you die. Just because kids turn 18 and goes off to college or gets married, they still cause worry for parents until they die.
e.g.
1. are they doing ok in their marriage?
a) "i'm hurting because my daughter's husband beats her and I want to make it stop"
b) "my child has mental issues and is having a hard time keeping a job"
2. You don't suddenly just stop caring about and helping kids out just cause they turn 18...yes you don't enable them, but there is a difference between enabling and helping. (e.g. I'm moving to my new house I bought...it's my first, my parents are helping me buy little things for the house...out of LOVE)
So do I think children cause sorrow? No, but I do believe that raising them is hard work and definitely will cause more heartache sometimes than joy and it's a lot more than 20 or 30 years of unselfish giving.
9. obewan said the following at 6:51 AM on Jul 3
I suppose a LOT hangs on the individual personalities of the children. I know some of the very best God centered parents who have had nothing but heartache from kids who rebel, get into drugs, and just plain run wild and out of control. One guy at my church went so far as to lock his daughter completely out of the house at night. That was extreme. If you miss the curfew, don't come home he told her. She went to live with her mother who was a whole lot more liberal. What do you do if a kid drops out of school, and becomes a teen parent with no job? For sure it would take a lot of love and patience.
10. niki said the following at 6:51 AM on Jul 3
Wow...
Gotta love statistics. Numbers don't lie, but they are everyone's favourite tool for manipulation.
So the statistics show "less frequent positive emotions", and (because we couldn't figure this one out from that) "more frequent negative emotions" for parents than for their "childless peers".
First of all, "less frequent" (and, conversely, "more frequent") can mean anything, so that means nothing in this context.
Secondly, "positive" and "negative", unless referring to electrical charges, are just about as far away from cold, hard factual data (a prerequisite of the truth in numbers) as it gets. These terms are entirely subjective. Mixing them in with statistics just waters them down to a pointless degree.
Finally, "emotions" - okay, "emotions" as we understand them, are so off-the-statistical-charts that any kind of numerical data referring to them should be told only as a joke.
Conclusion... mildly interesting article in itself, and I appreciate the commentary, but why even bother to take note of it in the first place?
11. Christina (in green) said the following at 6:57 AM on Jul 3
Kellie (#2)
Depends on who the primary care-giver is. Youth Group for me was just a way I could have an outlet for leading worship (which I absolutely love to do). Everything else I could take or leave - because my mother and father were the primary source of spiritual guidance and my family was the primary community I learned to serve.
Out-sourcing is really not all that good for the nation's economy, as it tends to leave highly educated people (and some not so well educated) with no way of making an income, that are dependent on the government's welfare. I wonder if the same could be said for out-sourcing the work associated with raising kids. I know countless kids who think much more highly of the people who raised them than they do their own parents...because oddly...they're the ones that sacrificed for them.
Chris (#3):
This society is incredibly anti-child. We deem it the government's responsibility to care for our kids while we go along doing our own things for our own gain - disguised as "I want to give my kids everything I didn't have" or something along those lines. We don't want to be the ones doing it, but we know it needs to be done...just as long as it doesn't interfere with our plans and goals - which some people who comment here would agree with, though they'd never admit to it if they knew they thought like that.
12. Brent said the following at 8:11 AM on Jul 3
Chris, talking a lot about kids does not mean things are kid-friendly. Many of the things you listed are part of the problem, (i.e. not used the way they should be).
13. Rachael said the following at 9:01 AM on Jul 3
DannieA (8),
You bring up good examples of worries parents might have with their grown children.
I think my parents have or had anxiety, probably a lot of which was/is because of us kids.
I suppose parenting would be a good test of faith to put our trust in God.
It would be absolutely *hard* if a future child turned out to not be a believer. What a lot of heartache. Yes we can raise kids, but their salvation and life decisions are not ultimately in our hands.
It must be hard if/when parents receive judgmental/critical advice from others, even if subtly, about how they raise their kids. Hopefully, even if the parent does things right but the kid still turns out to be a disaster from the world's eyes, hopefully the world won't be casting shame on the parents....but even then, hopefully the parents can learn to take up the cross and look to Christ. It's gotta be HARD to be a parent, especially if the child ends up making incredibly unwise choices in life...
14. Christina (in green) said the following at 9:23 AM on Jul 3
Motte was right that its practically NON-STOP for 20-30 years.
After that, yeah you continue to have moments, but its no longer NON-STOP.
At some point, you have be confident that you raised good and strong adults. Yeah, there are occassions where its necessary to be there (the examples expressed), but those are exceptions.
15. Sylvia said the following at 9:27 AM on Jul 3
Great comment, DannieA (#8)! I agree!
I had to laugh at the "sleep" remark. You're right, you don't sleep until you die! The bags under my eyes attest to that!
16. Boston Matt said the following at 10:06 AM on Jul 3
Maybe we should take these study people to see Wall E*.
17. Yuri said the following at 10:13 AM on Jul 3
It's true, sadly. I notice that many parents and families are heavily concerned with their image as opposed to the wellbeing of their children. But we can't just stop at lamenting. We all have a tendency to want to do this. We need to look at our motives and be willing to admit where we are wrong.
18. Denisha said the following at 3:50 PM on Jul 3
I don't really believe this study. All the people I see with children are very content with their lives, they love spending time with their kids.
I think having could be positive and joyful, it all depends on the person's attitude.
Besides I would rather be surrounded by grandchildren and greatgrandchildren when I'm old and not lonely and sad in a house full of cats,by being childless. :)
19. Esther said the following at 4:13 PM on Jul 3
There are lots of worthwhile things that I love to do that don't always entail "positive emotions" at the moment. For one, I'm a long distance runner. I've run lots of long workouts that weren't particularly fun. In most races, there's at least one point where I wonder why I chose to do this, or am tempted to ease up. But part of the satisfaction is knowing that I had the discipline to achieve something difficult. I think children are like that: lots of hard work and frustration, with some wonderful glowing moments, and hopefully the satisfaction of a job well done eventually. I try to make a point of telling my parents often how much I appreciate all they sacrificed to raise me and my siblings, and how much I love them. They weren't perfect, and I'm sure not, but they did the best they could and I think they are usually really happy that they chose to have children.
20. Kellie said the following at 4:32 PM on Jul 3
Christina: Of course if any of the things Mott listed were the primary caregiver or moral teacher, that would be a problem. But the things he listed are not bad by themselves.
21. Leah said the following at 9:29 PM on Jul 5
Maybe they should look at Christian parents as opposed to people without children.
Something that interested me recently was the realisation that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have something like 4 kids, with her pregnant again, AND they're in the midst of another adoption. That's like 6 kids. You don't see that in most families today, let alone celebrity families. Then I wondered who was actually raising the kids- Brad and Angelina, or nannies? That's not a rhetorical question to make people think "nannies", it's a serious pondering.
That aside, it still impresses me a bit to see celebrities modelling that size family.
22. Leah said the following at 9:41 PM on Jul 5
Chris-
Society pretends to care about the children. Or tries to look like it does. The thing is, society does not actively DO anything REAL to care/protect children these days. People are all for having kids in society, but they don't want to be the ones parenting/ responsible for those children.
People say "yes! We need more kids! Just not me."
People say "yes! I'll have kids! I'll just leave it to school and day care to raise them."
People say "Think about the children of homosexual couples!" and then decide the kids will be ok (when we know that really, they won't be, compared to children of heterosexual couples.)
People say "Why are our children taking guns and knives to school and attacking people?" but don't teach them discipline or respect.
People say "Why aren't our children's literacy and numeracy rates higher?" but refuse to give more money to the education system, to teachers' wages, to bringing in more teachers' aides.
Just a side issue on kids, stemming from Yuri's comment: I have a (non-Christian) friend who used to work in a baby shop. She was disgusted with the amount of parents-to-be who were not concerned with the quality of car-seat they bought their child, but fussed over the pram they bought (because, of course, people are going to see the pram, but not the car-seat.) But which will be the one more likely to save their child's life?
Sylvia is SO RIGHT on what parents have made their children become. Fortunately I have not seen this in Christian circles yet.
23. Leah said the following at 9:48 PM on Jul 5
Oh, can I also point out that not all the "hard work outsourcing" Motte mentioned is bad... of course school isn't, but even things like kindergarten and preschool and youth group; I don't think anyone here (or at least the vast majority) would disagree with youth group; as for preschool and kindergarten, in Australia, preschool or prep (depends which state) is compulsory, and I think that's good. Not all states run it very well, but a year of some form of preschool is good. It slowly puts children into an environment where they're away from mum and dad a bit longer than usual, where they have to interact with a larger group of kids and teachers, etc. (That said, a certain state recently changed the laws so that prep is now 9-3, 5 days a week, kids have to wear school uniform, even work from desks for parts of the day... what happened to slowly introducing kids to school??? Heh, sorry, [ /rant] :P).
24. jenine said the following at 1:37 PM on Jul 6
First I would like to say that I just finished a video series at church from the book Boundaries by Dr. Henery Cloud. One of the best books I have ever read. It has really put things in perspective and taught me a lot.
Second, at the age of 50 I have a lot of experience to draw from. I was adopted and extremely abused as a child, hence I married someone like my parents the first time. I did leave fairly soon though taking a long with me my two children. I did nothing as a child and was determined that my kids would have every oportunity. I did overinduldge them thinking they would benefit, I was totally wrong. I wasn't like "Jonny's" mom,they did have to pick things up, but they now as adults are very disrespectful of me and very self centered and selfish. I don't have much of a relationship with them. They are 30 & 25. I studied as much as I could and learned to be a better parent with the second family and 2 more children. They still get to do a lot, but we do lots of service work and they don't get everything they want. They also work hard around the house. They are much nicer than my 2 older girls. They are 16&11. If we continue on the path we are on they will be great adults.
With regards to the current trend with the Public School system, if we go back in history, Hitler started teaching the children in school at age 6 his ideas so that there would be an entire generation to follow him and keep up his ideas. It takes about 30 years or so to change a society. So if the public schools start now with the nonsense they are teaching our next generation will be able to change all of our laws and ideals this country was founded on. The so called concern for our kids in public school is just a mask for future indoctrination. Schools now don't teach complete history let alone draw from it so that we don't repeat the past. So sad.
25. Anna said the following at 10:41 PM on Jul 6
It sounds like most of the writers are younger parents, so I don't know if any of you can relate to this...my husband and I have 4 children ages 17-26.
The oldest is now divorced and living at home, but refuses to get a job for various reasons. She sits in her room all day on her computer and sometimes doesn't bathe for days. We'd like to make her leave and be responsible for herself, but that would leave her on the streets (there are no shelters in our area for single women, I've checked).
Our second daughter made it through college, and we had high hopes for her. But she now has 2 DUIs, and in all likely hood will have to face jail time. This will be on her permanent record, and will impact her ability to get a job in the future. She is a self proclaimed Goth and if her criminal record doesn't stop her from getting a job, her appearance will.
Our third child, a son, was dropped from the roll at high school last year for skipping school - it was his senior year. He has "plans" to re-enroll for school this fall, but all we've heard is talk, no action. He currently works 20 hrs. a week at a minimum wage job. When I suggested that he try to drive school bus making twice what he is being paid now (and it would fit into his high school schedule if he does a work study program) he said that he really doesn't think he wants to do that.
Our fourth child, another son, is on probation for terrorist threats. Translation - you can't tell someone on AIM that you're going to bring a gun to school and shoot someone to scare them. Even if the person you want to scare did show up at your school with 4 of his buds in tow to beat you on your way home.
There has been money stolen from us, lies told and a general disrespect. The 'F' word is used and the children have to be told repeatedly to do any chores. They do not pick up after themselves and when angry have kicked in doors and busted windows.
Our children were raised in the faith. They went to church, Sunday School, and Youth group. They now say that they believe in God, but don't be a fanatic and talk about Him.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years, because we didn't want our kids in day care. We made many financial sacrifices to do this. We do not regret this decision, but I cannot honestly say that it has made any difference in the beliefs and behavior of our children.
Being Christian does not guarantee that your children will grow up and make you proud. Even if you read all the right books and follow their advice to the best of your ability.
I have talked with other Christians in similar situations with their kids - we are out of ideas.
Do we have a quiver full of Sorrows? You bet!
26. Mrs. Nell said the following at 5:05 AM on Jul 7
My main concern as an kindergarten educator is that, while I have always seen examples of negative parenting results among Christian parents, the odds are becoming troubling. When I first entered the classroom it was typical to meet one spoiled, rude, unkind individual in about 30-35 students. Now such students are in the majority. I don't have to describe them because Sylvia is apparently seeing what I see.
I absolutely agree that no matter what I do and teach, the real values are instilled by parents. Many of the parents with whom I work want their children to be good godly citizens, but they are not willing to pay the immediate price of consistency and diligence. I salute the ones who do and look forward to seeing their children as adults.
27. Leah said the following at 7:13 PM on Jul 8
Anna, in what I'm about to say I'm not commenting on your individual situation, I'm just commenting on this part of your comment:
I was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years, because we didn't want our kids in day care. We made many financial sacrifices to do this. We do not regret this decision, but I cannot honestly say that it has made any difference in the beliefs and behavior of our children.
Being Christian does not guarantee that your children will grow up and make you proud. Even if you read all the right books and follow their advice to the best of your ability.
Of course "being" Christian, or being a stay-at-home mum will not guarantee anything. It all has to do with what you teach your children, and HOW you teach them.
Reading books definitely won't guarantee anything. They cannot give the flexibility needed for individual situations.
Re: the OP
I can't say this for sure, but I can give suggestions as to which parenting techniques my parents used which I think helped make me and my 3 younger siblings and decent adults we are/ will become (the youngest is 14).
- We were punished and left in no doubt of the consequences when we misbehaved. If we did something wrong, we didn't just get threats. Our primary punishment was getting smacked (only on the backside), but we also had privileges taken away (like computer time). And because our parents were consistent in this, we knew that if we misbehaved, we'd get smacked. We didn't purposely toe the line knowing we'd only get threatened.
- Our parents put us into environments where we were surrounded by other Christians. Translated: they didn't just teach us the bible, and didn't just get Sunday School to teach us the bible, but they made sure we had close Christian friends our age so that we were able to encourage each other in our Christian walk.
- They didn't just teach us things, they taught us beliefs and morals: eg. they didn't just tell us drugs were bad, they taught us to believe drugs were bad. This can work both ways: my parents never tried to teach me that drinking alcohol was bad, so I never rebelled and drank heaps. They did however teach me that getting drunk was bad, and taught me to believe that too, so when I do drink sometimes, I believe I shouldn't get drunk.
I think the primary things to teach a child are: Respect for elders/authority; Honesty; Respect and belief in the bible (and God of course!)
You can try to tell a child that sex before marriage is bad, that they shouldn't marry a non-believer, that they shouldn't get drunk, but they can always find excuses and reasons around that. However, if there is an ultimate authority (like the bible) that dictates that, they are far more likely to have a reason for sticking to the boundaries you taught them.
Oh: and START YOUNG and STAY CONSISTENT! If a child knows by the age of 4 not to talk back to Mummy (and you stay consistent), then by the age of 14 they'll be a lot less likely to talk back to Mum. If a child knows by the age of 6 that he should share his toys, then by the age of 16 he'll be a more loving guy.
Having said all that, I'm not a parent yet :P However, it's what my parents say, and seeing the results of their good work, (and the good results of parents around me who use the same tactics) I have complete confidence in those suggestions!
28. Eliza said the following at 9:34 PM on Jul 8
Leah #21,
I read in an interview that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie take film jobs at different times, so that one parent can always be home. They homeschool all their kids.
29. Leah said the following at 1:35 AM on Jul 9
Eliza,
Thanks for that :) I think a lot of celebrities homeschool their children though... I guess I can't really blame them for wanting to keep their kids out of the public eye too much!