A Process for Deciding to Marry Someone
by Steve Watters on 07/31/2008 at 2:17 PM
Are you a guy finding it difficult to make a decision about marriage? Are you feeling overwhelmed by the weight of this major life choice? One of the things we lack in a culture of unlimited choices is the ability to make good decisions that we can then confidently act on.
All this week I've been in training related to team problem solving with a group called Adizes. Early on, the trainer claimed that the Adizes process for decision making can be used in all kinds of settings -- even for making a decision about marriage. So maybe this can be of help to you. Here's the process:
Defreeze -- This is a word that Dr. Adizes created to describe the important first step of relaxing and slowing down from any left-brain activities you're involved in and shifting to the right-hand side of your brain where you can make a more creative decision. You don't want to try to make a decision about marriage in the same frame of mind that you balance your checkbook. Take a hike or go on a retreat to shift gears.
Accumulate -- Gather all the information related to your decision. In the case of marriage, capture on paper all the thoughts you have about the opportunity in front of you.
Deliberate -- Look at all the thoughts you've captured and try to see what emerges. What patterns do you see? Dr. Mohler has said that a sovereign God puts us in specific places at specific times for a reason. Can you narrow down all your thoughts in order to see the possibility that God has ordained the intersection of your life with your potential spouse?
Incubate -- This is where you take a break from the information you've accumulated and deliberated over. Dr. Adizes describes it as "consulting your pillow." Sleep on it. Take another hike. This incubation period is good for the kind of "middle of the night insights" that lead to breakthroughs.
Illuminate -- The incubation period can help you return to your deliberation with fresh perspectives and the ability to have an "a-ha" about the issues you've been mulling over. Now's the time to see if you can make a good decision from what you've reflected on.
Accommodate -- The next step is where you process your doubts and questions. It's important to hold your insights up against realities. Older versions of the marriage vows talk about approaching matrimony soberly and advisedly -- this is the step where that happens in earnest.
Finalize -- This is one of the most important steps and the one many guys have trouble completing. It's where you actually make a final decision. You bite the bullet. Dr. Adizes says that many beautiful men and women never marry because they have too many choices and they have trouble pushing through and making a good choice. After you've gone through all the steps, it's time to make a decision one way or the other. You either decide that you have enough to go on to take the big step of getting engaged or you recognize this is not who God would have you to marry and you move on.
Reinforce -- The final step is getting confirmation on the decision you've made and finding the support you need to implement it.. While it works best to go through all of these decision making steps with a mentor, a pastor and/or your parents -- this is a crucial time to bring your decision to all those key people in your community and to seek their blessing for the venture ahead of you.
I realize you can always find shortcomings when you try to apply business processes to matters of the heart, but I think there's some value in praying about how you can use formal steps like these to break past the paralysis of analysis that is all too common for guys thinking about marriage -- and to help you confidently move forward instead of languishing in an endless season of trying to decide.
1. Jessica said the following at 4:38 PM on Jul 31:
Very refreshing thoughts on the subject. I commend you on writing these things on this website. I am a single lady who wishes Christian young men to gather more boldness from God to pursue what is the desire that He has placed within their hearts: for some, it is marriage. God bless you.
2. Mike said the following at 6:17 PM on Jul 31:
This is good stuff. I'd like to add that during the first two stages (Accumulate and Deliberate), I have found it helpful to look backward at the history of how you got to this point. It's amazing to me how you can see God's hand at work in placing you at this specific place at this specific time when you look back at the chain of events that brought you to a decision point. It brings me a great deal of clarity to do this.
3. Rachael said the following at 8:09 PM on Jul 31:
Decisiveness can be hard for women, too. I was just talking with someone today, and we were talking of the approach of viewing marriage as being "the next step". (She is married already, though.) We were talking about how in the end it's not really fairy tale-ish. For her now there won't be a disappointing reality necessarily because she was realistic before the marriage. Now her next step might be pregnancy in the future. I think it's easier to think of the marriage question in terms of "next step" or, "who do you want to live your life with?" rather than...is THIS the person...duh duh duh...what if, what if, what if.....? Prayer is crucial, and at some point we just have to decide if there seems to be a choice. Unfortunately I'm more of a realistic multifaceted contemplater than an idealistic princess. But hopefully God will make things clear to those of us who are contemplating major life decisions - marriage or whatever that might be. Decisions must be made carefully, but at the same time, at some point, a lot of us will have to just...decide. Someone recently commented on my blog reminding me of Peter stepping out of the boat. I wonder if this could apply to marriage as well, to an extent...it is a step in faith. Matthew 14:30-31 says: "But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.' Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
Could God be using doubts to signal the person being contemplated is not the one? Yes. But at the same time, I think we should be realistic. We should pray, and also, at some point...decide.
4. exchurchmouse said the following at 8:43 PM on Jul 31:
Some advice: Don't date someone for an extended period of time and unintentionally dangle the hope of an engagement ring in front of her. This hasn't happened to me before, but I have witnessed it before. So I am an advocate of any constructive advice regarding this matter.
I am not a man, so I can't really comment on Steve's advice at all.
But, if there is anybody who can suggest how I can detect and avoid the carrot danglers, heap it on.
5. Kenya said the following at 9:03 PM on Jul 31:
I second Jessica's comment!
6. Jess said the following at 9:36 PM on Jul 31:
Do guys have more difficulty making this particular decision than woman do (which the post seems to imply and I would tend to agree with)? If so, why is that? Aren't women usually in general the more indecisive ones?
As a woman in the relationship waiting for the man to "bite the bullet" prayer is of course essential. But what else can a woman do to encourage him to lead and move the relationship along without being overbearing and controlling?
7. Janna said the following at 6:55 AM on Aug 1:
I may be crazy or old but does this remind anyone else of the Inxs song Mediate?
8. Dan Gill said the following at 7:09 AM on Aug 1:
Interesting. This all looks like good advice. Does Dr. Adizes offer any Biblical foundation for the things he teaches?
9. Tami said the following at 10:00 AM on Aug 1:
exchurchmouse (4) -- part of seeing the "carrot danglers" for who they are is observing their general life patterns. If they tend to flit from woman to woman... those guys tend to be the ones who make noise about "you're the type of woman I'd like to marry," yet have no intention of doing so.
Overall passivity is another bad sign.
10. B-Anon said the following at 10:16 AM on Aug 1:
I've no problem deciding that I want to marry. Decision's made: yes, I do. Now, if only some lovely woman would give me a chance.
11. DanL said the following at 10:43 AM on Aug 1:
Exchurchmouse, forgive me if this advice is obvious, but I think women could better avoid such men if they would pay more attention the way they have behaved in past relationships. If you haven’t the chance to view that about a particular man, then ask those who have known him longer and have been able to observe such things. I am greatly puzzled that more women don’t do this.
There is one guy at church that I know that is very popular among many of the women, and for good reason: we is a leader in the church, he is very talented, wealthy, etc., but he tends to date a lot of women, and go out for several months, and then break up for no clearly defined reason. He has done this enough times that anyone should be able to see the pattern. And yet all the women go crazy over him. If they do get to go out with him, do they honestly expect anything different? I’ve tried to understand this and can’t.
There was a guy at much church several years ago who was even worse. He was well traveled, in seminary, very very charming and I could see why he was attractive. And yet every relationship he was seemed to end badly. I never found out why, and to be honest I don’t want too, but I know several women basically hated his guts after they broke up. I seriously wondered why none of the elders ever stepped in or anything. And yet all the women at church adored him. But then he finally did get married, so I guess its good that at least one woman didn’t follow my advice.
12. Al said the following at 8:47 AM on Aug 2:
This article has brought up some good comments! Rachel, thank you for your comment. I've always tend to thought that the person I marry is around me and its just a matter of a decision being made. I've liked this person for two years now and have never let my feelings be know to that person. Today I realize that I haven't brought myself to the position of making a decision by expressing my feelings to that person. Its such an internal fight, but if you want change you have to fight...right? So maybe its time to step out of the boat! Thanks.
13. cn said the following at 2:23 PM on Aug 2:
This is good, Steve, I especially like the part about deliberating where you add
"Can you narrow down all your thoughts in order to see the possibility that God has ordained the intersection of your life with your potential spouse?"
14. Exchurchmouse said the following at 7:02 PM on Aug 2:
Thank you Tami (#9) and DanL(#11) - Your advice was very constructive! I really think that it is important to be observant of patterns in previous relationships.
About a year and a half ago, I developed a very unhealthy attachment to a young, successful, professional guy from my church. We hung out, but it became a deranged pseudo-relationship between a friendship and relationship. My unwillingness to listen to my friends and confront his undescisiveness really kept things scraping along. Thankfully, he finally made his decision. At first, I was devastated for several months. But slowly, I started to realize that there were signs of passivity, hence carrot and parsnip and turnip dangling for several months!
I hope that the exposure of my past failure will enable others who desire marriage to make positive relationship choices and eventually into a happy and healthy marriage!
15. JJS said the following at 9:29 PM on Aug 2:
Yes, overall this is good advice, but it strikes me as too simplistic. Or maybe each stage just needs to be spread out into days/weeks or the process needs to be repeated many times. But I AM sure the decision of whether or not, or who, to marry is one of the biggest in a man's life, and reducing it to a series of steps should only provide a general framework perhaps, nothing more. Having a "plan" of sorts can be helpful, but it can also lead one off-track or make one lose sight of the big picture. But still, to expect my own mind to be clear enough at that point to make a deliberate, well-thought-out decision would be foolish.
As for me, I've always figured that if I ever find myself in the position of having to decide whether or not to marry a particular woman, there would be no substitute for the advice of friends and others who know us both. I've seen too many "What is he/she thinking?" situations in which one of the parties in the relationship should know better but either doesn't seek or ignores the counsel of those around him/her. This is yet another reason it's so important to have close friendships with others before entering into a serious dating/romantic relationship or other situation where one's own reasoning and clear thinking is likely to be suspended for at least some of the time. (On this note, I'd say the "Reinforce" stage above is by far the most important.)
So...business decisions? Smaller life choices? Such a concise, defined process would work great. Huge life decisions? I'm not so convinced.
I'm reminded of the closing line of "Hitch" here, something to the effect of, "The first rule of relationships: there are no rules."
16. JJS said the following at 9:44 PM on Aug 2:
exchurchmouse, one way to spot "carrot danglers" is to consult other men you know. Men will pick up on the games of another man much faster than women will, even if they haven't known him for long, and men will also be more likely to know why an honest guy isn't moving as fast as you'd like or otherwise doesn't seem to be on the same page. I'm with DanL in that I don't understand why many more women (and men also, btw) don't make more of an effort to know and understand the background of someone they're interested in prior to jumping into a relationship with both feet. As much as we might like to think otherwise, this certainly indicates an inability of many Christians to see past the surface appeal of a member of the opposite sex.
17. Eudora said the following at 6:35 AM on Aug 3:
I just stumbled accross this...very interesting as I've been wondering about this lately.
A very respectable Christian guy proposed to me the day after I turned 18...I turned him down. I think his still hoping.
Thanks for the article, it's given me some great insights into understanding this issue!
18. shoham said the following at 9:56 AM on Aug 4:
Very interesting use of the Adizes Decision Making Process and I especially like the discussion it created.
Best of luck to all considering this important step in life.
19. Christina (in green) said the following at 2:31 PM on Aug 4:
Exchurchmouse,
I've never actually had the proverbial "carrot" dangled in front of me...
It was more the passivity in my last relationship...I already knew what I wanted and had made it clear to him...and his continued inability to decide made me cut my losses and back out. It hurt...and I wish he had actually made a decision much earlier because the entire relationship hurt me badly.
But I definitly would think that a guy who is unable to make a decision when he KNOWS that someone's heart is on the line needs to be cut loose =/
As to some of the comments about a Woman's Indecisiveness, I can't say this for certain as I've thought about it a LOT from my own perspective and my mother's and from what's been written in classical literature and stuff (some things just don't ever change their tune), I wonder if the indecisiveness of women really comes into play when more than one man makes her feel a certain way.
I'd say that it also comes into play when women are described as fickle. One of Anne Shirley's friends in Anne of the Island (the one the married the unattractive preacher named Jonas) was one of those fickle ones. It was that both guys made her FEEL the same way...and I think that most women (not all) do actually make decisions based more on feelings than not.
I find I'm much more inclined to like a guy if he treats me well and makes me feel liked. I'm more inclined to love a man who makes me feel loved. It makes it difficult when I think of all the reasons why I love someone and they are all centered around how he treats me and makes me feel =p Not that that's all and out a bad thing, its just so insubstantial...and leads to indecisiveness and fickleness...
Luckily, I recognize that tendency and am able to work past the initial reasons for loving a guy to actually get to the meat of my affection (that and I tend to be a bit more logical than many of my female counterparts).
I also think its why women have a higher tendency of cheating when their husbands are inattentive...and probably why the rate for divorce filings is higher for women.
Maybe its just the men I've observed, but I've noticed that when men make a decision one way or another, they have no problem sticking to it...and are actually rather passionate about their choice. I kinda wonder if this might be one of the reasons why a woman is advised not to say "I love you" first...AND why a wife is called to submit to her husband's authority and the husband is told to lead...
20. James said the following at 12:55 AM on Aug 5:
B-Anon, that's what I thought for several years now. And then NOW happens, just when I'm starting to become actually charming, and thus have noticed that in social settings I'm becoming somewhat popular with the ladies. For a guy who's never been that popular, this is amazing.
I'm not casually dating or anything, we're talking purely social (groups of friends, etc.). However into this, God throws HER. She's not exactly what I dreamed but from all I've seen in the short time I've gotten to know her so far she totally fits and exceeds the spiritual requirements from Scripture, she's fun to be around, sweet, our theological frameworks line up pretty well, and we have enough in common to keep conversations going, and she laughs at my jokes and my silliness/showoffishness when it's meant to be funny. So, why is it that I'm now VERY VERY hesitant, and basically wishing that this wouldn't be happening NOW? I have no clue. The only thing I can think of, and every decent bone in my body spits in disgust at this thought, is that she's not as "pretty" as I'd hoped. Sometimes I really hate the thoughts I have, and this is one of those times. Humbling? Absolutely. The Lord is definitely using this to bring me low and refine me.
My point, B-Anon is that at your point you THINK that you're ready as soon as that right girl comes along, but from a guy who has been in your exact situation, it could be VERY different when it actually happens. So, still, be very much in prayer that the Lord keeps you humble and full of humility, because the Devil is going to want to take your honest desire and twist it right when God brings that amazing girl into your life.
Steve, your post couldn't have been better timed. I'm definitely in the incubate mode right now, which is also "much prayer and supplication" mode. Whoever said "If you want to serve Christ, stay single. If you want to become more Christ-like, get married." left out that even STARTING a relationship was a humbling experience in sacrificial servanthood. I'm finding that I MUST think like a loving servant if I want to keep a biblical perspective on how I should view any potential future wife. And here I thought that all the Lord had to do was bring her into my life and I'd be fully ready. Riiiiight. I didn't know that fear of commitment y'all talk about so much was in me too. Thank the Lord that He promises to use all things in my life for Good.
21. Exchurchmouse said the following at 5:11 PM on Aug 5:
James,
Why are you so troubled about making a decision regarding marriage over a person you just met recently?
Don't feel bad because the woman did not meet your physical ideal. A lot of us have a preconceived idea about what we want prospective mates to look like. However, we are often surprised because we are not 100% sure about who God will throw in our direction.
I don't know what your philosophy is regarding marriage and romantic relationships. But, it is great that you have met someone you find compatible. Maybe you can move in small increments - like ask her if she would like to grab some coffee after church. If that's not a possibility for you, then just keep enjoying her company in groups. God will give you discernment, but it won't be in glaring red letters.
Just a thought.
22. James said the following at 1:10 AM on Aug 7:
#21,
Agreed. It's just that I tend to look ahead when making a decision and thing is that I see God's hand very much in all of this and I'm feeling rushed by my own tendency to lead to the end point.
She and I have already had the chance to hang out together (I took her swing dancing a few times, which is my 'element', since the swing dance scene is my social scene), and she's in my church homegroup. And, considering all her Godly qualities, I've made the decision to put aside my hesitation and ask her out anyway. I see too much of God's hand in all this to ignore it, and like you said, I'm not asking her to marry me yet. My point was to the young man who said, "I'm ready if God will just bring some pretty girl across my path" that when that time actually comes then he'll probably NOT be at that stage any longer (b/c I was there like he was and now find myself here). So, the exhortation was to be in prayer NOW to be humble THEN when she is brought to him. I was so eager and anxious and now that that time is here it suddenly has me stopping in my tracks b/c what I was dreaming of was MY ideal of a godly future wife, not God's.
So, I'm deciding to trust God in this and put my ideal aside where it deviates from who He provides.
23. Paul Clutterbuck said the following at 8:49 AM on Jan 9:
Good on you, James (#22), for going ahead in spite of your niggles. I was in a kinda similar situation that you describe in #20. I've also been through what B-Anon describes, until fairly recently when I started attracting attention from women. Then suddenly I meet this amazing woman who has so much in common with me, and I was scared because I'd just (2 months prior) been dumped by someone else (so some would say I'm on the rebound). She's so good anyway, that after gathering enough info behind the scenes to make a decision, I actually set off the DTR process this week!
Btw, I wouldn't ever worry about appearance; it's hardly even a consideration for me, since it can fade over time anyway. Better to have someone who will share your life and interests, and maybe even your life-work, who when you both get home at the end of a long day will be able to enter into each other's concerns and stresses! Some of my best relationships have been with the plainest people.
24. Mustapha Bittaye said the following at 6:58 AM on Jan 30:
i think i can benefit from a shorter process because i think i wanna make a desicion pretty soon. My girl doesnt have all the time in the world but i found your comments useful