Girl Meets Boy, Girl Meets Blog, Girl Overshares, Things Get Really Messy
by Thomas Jeffries on 06/24/2008 at 8:40 AM
It's a classic tale: Girl moves to big city. Girl blogs in her spare time about life in big city. Girl blogs with nearly reckless abandon -- about what she's "reading and watching and thinking about," and about her longtime boyfriend, who doesn't particularly enjoy the attention. But since it is a small blog for just "a few hundred people," girl insists on her right to blog without boundaries.
Girl gets a full-time job at big-name blog. Girl's posts are now read by thousands every day. Girl begins flirting with male co-blogger. Girl breaks up with longtime boyfriend, begins dating coworker and proceeds to craft not-so-veiled blog posts about her new relationship. Girl's new boyfriend -- much like her previous boyfriend -- does not appreciate the public dissemination of their relationship's every twist and turn.
And this, dear readers, is where the classic tale takes a turn. Unlike the previous boyfriend, the new guy is a blogger, too, and thus has vast, untold media channels at his disposal. So, when their relationship eventually falters -- and how could it not, given the DEFCON 2-level breach in trust? -- the male co-blogger retaliates in kind, with an article titled "The Dangers of Blogger Love."
The author uses only the girl's first name, but the details are just a Google search away. He uses her words, her own posts, against her. He doesn't come across very well, but she looks even worse. "You should have known better," he quotes her as saying. "After all, I'm a blogger." But she apparently didn't know better, either, and her insistence on baring both her privacy and others' is likewise laid bare.
So what does she do? After a time spent in the fetal position on her kitchen floor, the girl responds with an article of her own -- a cover story, in fact, The New York Times Magazine. It's called "Exposed," and in it the girl tells all, admits all. In case you haven't figured it out by now, the girl just can't help it. She is, as the kids like to call it these days, an "oversharer."
Is this what the blogging culture has done to us? Are we more willing to share (overshare) things online that we would never otherwise reveal in public? Has the Internet created some sort of artificial anonymity that makes many people feel "safe" when discussing the details of their personal lives?
Truth is, oversharing works, at least in terms of increasing Web traffic or reader response. Whether they admit it or not, plenty of readers enjoy those revealing details. It's why we watch reality TV, why we read People magazine and its less-seemly spawn, why we like to sit in the park or at the mall and simply watch the world walk by. This even holds true at Boundless, where readers tend to respond more when an author illustrates a point with personal anecdotes than with straightforward exposition. Boundless Answers' columnist Candice Watters, for example, has often referenced the story of her transition from friendship to courtship with her now-husband, Steve. Not surprisingly, some Boundless bloggers are personally more forthcoming than others.
Making a point with a personal story certainly isn't wrong, not at all. (Look at Jesus' use of parables.) And it's often very effective. (Again, parables.) But when does sharing cross the line into oversharing? And who makes the call? After all, one person's oversharing is another's everyday conversation. And as long as we're playing the role of innocent bystanders -- i.e. readers -- oversharing seems like harmless people-watching.
At least until somebody gets hurt.
1. Amir Larijani said the following at 8:54 AM on Jun 24:
When I relay a personal story, I try not to use actual names. I often use phonetic initials, and even then sometimes the phonetic initials are not their actual initials.
After all, even if she's an ex and I'm not on the best of terms with her, she still ought not be shafted by having personal matters--no matter how innocuous--accessible via a Google search.
Anything along those lines would be careless at best and vindictive at worst. There's no need for that malarkey.
As for the New York Times, that just shows how far they have fallen as a reporter of legitimate news. What they have done in this case is tabloid trash.
2. a sassy sister said the following at 9:30 AM on Jun 24:
well said, amir. I couldn't agree more.
3. Rachael said the following at 9:56 AM on Jun 24:
"But when does sharing cross the line into oversharing? And who makes the call? "
Good questions...and not just for the blog/internet scene but I think for 'real life' as well.
To some, "oversharing" might be just being humble, open, and honest "sharing". Others may view "oversharing" as something that makes one vulnerable and less guarded...
I suppose there are all aspects to 'oversharing'. It's just hard to know how much one has to "share". My mom feels that you don't HAVE to even tell a husband everything, and I think my aunt feels the same way.
How does one know how much of oneself to share with someone who might one day become a spouse?
4. Tami said the following at 10:10 AM on Jun 24:
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and was reading a book that sort of reminded me of this point (I'm adding fake names to make it less confusing):
It's been my experience that oversharers are more than happy not only to share the details of *their* lives, but also the lives of others. If Jill tells you all about what is going on in Pete, Sarah, and Jenny's lives, do you think the details of *your* life are "safe" from such dissection and dissemination?
I'm not a clam when it comes to personal stuff. And yet, I have come to discern who I can trust to share things with. Someone who has a blog in which they share *everything*? Is probably not going to become my closest confidante.
I have seen some *supremely* embarrassing and revealing things shared on blogs, with real names. It's gossip, IMO.
5. Carrie (the original) said the following at 10:13 AM on Jun 24:
I know that the "sharing" factor is a reason many people don't blog, period. I often get "the look" when I tell someone I have a blog.
I know that some think it's like an on-line diary. When I first started blogging, it was. I learned the hard way that baring your soul was not a good reason for blogging. Now, I try to limit my blog as a space to share insights, vent frustrations, and journal for the good of my readers. I have stopped baring my soul in overt ways.
6. Hannah C. said the following at 10:25 AM on Jun 24:
When I blog, it's nearly always protected in such a way that only people I would probably tell the stuff to anyway will read it.
I like the idea of having a public blog, maybe going into more detail there, but changing names and making it much more anonymous. I read a couple blogs where people have done that. I understand the attraction - it's like reading a story, but a real one....But protecting people's identity online is very important, I think, especially if you're not going to be saying good things about them. Heh. But you really shouldn't be saying bad things about them at all, now should you?
7. Melanie said the following at 10:42 AM on Jun 24:
This reminds me of a Christian chick lit I just read- Consider Lily by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt. That one's full of stuff for discussion ;)
8. DannieA said the following at 11:56 AM on Jun 24:
who doesn't like a juicy story. Actually I like blogs and when I do blog which isn't very often it's about events or my feelings about an event (running a 5K race....the weather, my speculative on my performance etc.) and not about my personal life, boyfriend if I had one at the time of a blog etc.
I've known people who blog about their significant other until it doesn't work anymore...then they have to erase their blog because it was talking about forever and feelings and just stuff that you don't want up anymore.
9. KJ said the following at 12:39 PM on Jun 24:
I too have a blog, and it is so vague that only my friends would have a clue what I'm talking about. For the sake of my privacy and those I mention, I don't name locations, churches, or last names, and I don't use pictures that show faces or identifying landmarks. It's a good way to keep in touch with folks I know and share mundane life stuff in a way that's less obtrusive (and less like it's requesting some sort of response) than an email, but if they want to know more, they know how to contact me.
Another pet peeve of mine is people who post pictures of other people's children (cute kids from their AWANA group or somebody they babysit) on their blogs, most likely without permission from the parents. Is that even legal?
10. Sylvia said the following at 1:44 PM on Jun 24:
It didn't sound like the bloggeress and her boyfriends were Christians, am I right? I find that people who treat intimate relationships casually are more likely to talk about them with other people. It's almost as if intimate encounters are not shared deeply enough between the two parties, and therefore one or both of the parties will feel the need to share them again and again with others. I have often joked that men sharing stories of their "conquests" was something of a homosexual act.
If I were involved with someone, I think I'd be pretty shy about blogging intensely on it early on because I would feel pretty embarrassed if it didn't work out. On the other hand, people in the world sort of expect to hook up and break up with some regularity, and are probably little interested in whether their precious blog creates an "observer effect" on the relationship. The blog is more important.
I don't think this article really demonstrated any continuum or connection between the Watters' describing their courtship to encourage Boundless readers and people of the world sharing personal stories involving others for their own gratification. This isn't about OVER-sharing, it is about sharing that hurts somebody---any amount is too much.
I am assuming that Mr. Watters consented to Mrs. Watters' publishing their story----this alone is HUGE. If you can't ask permission of a person involved in your story, then you really need to ask yourself why you are writing it. (I am talking here about people who are "in your life", not so much "that jerk on the freeway" or "that sweet lady at Target")
There may be other issues with sharing "too much", but I think all that was really demonstrated here is that people have different reasons for blogging, just as they have different reasons for speaking. People will blog to gossip, to show off what they have, to get sympathy, to entertain, to keep their parents updated, to get feedback on their writing.....all sorts of reasons. Our blogs are no more neutral than our speech, and what soever we blog, we, as Christians need to consider our motives, and glorify our Lord.
11. 'Guerite ~ BoldLion said the following at 3:52 PM on Jun 24:
MMMM! This is interesting! I am a blogger too and love to read my church family's blogs in a way to get to know them better.
My blog is not a very personal one but expression my experience for Christ such as volunteer babysiting, volunteer for Crisis Pregnancy Center, and many book reviews or what I have learn as I am eating His Word, or encouraging other to live their life for Christ. Of course, it will have something funny in there and recipes too.
Of course, it will have my furry children pictures and stories about them in there.
It would also mention a lot about my church as I am learning His Word.
I don't have a boyfriend, and I wouldn't put that in there if I do have one. I want to guard my heart and others hearts too.
Yes, we all do have to becareful what we write in a blog. I would encouarge other to use it for His Glory and spread the gospel.
So my blog is for His Glory to witness to others who Christ is to me.
Hungry to eat His Word,
'Guerite ~ BoldLion
12. brx said the following at 5:05 PM on Jun 24:
A couple readers responded that the line is revealed pretty clearly when either it's hurtful and/or you're not willing to ask the other(s) involved for permission to publish (and not publish upon their request). Spot-on, I think.
This subject also reminds me of Suzanne Hadley's "Venting and Losing" Boundless article. In it, she talks about some things that may apply even if you do change the names and places.
Grace, peace & adventure!
13. Christina (in green) said the following at 5:15 PM on Jun 24:
I blog like I'm talking to someone.
When I started blogging, I bordered on oversharing, though a lot of those posts were private.
Thing is, I'm REALLY open in person, too. I'm not afraid to admit to my failings and use my mistakes and what I learned from them as examples to people without that experience.
I've learned over time that there's a fine line between airing dirty laundry and actually teaching...there's not so fine a line in oversharing and building relational intimacy and trust.
There's also something to be had in chronicaling your journey through and out of depression for a group of un-believers to read... and its been commented that they could see the changes in me as I continued writing.
I usually didn't overshare, but it was enough that you could tell something was wrong and what I was doing about it.
Several years ago, I decided that I REALLY wanted to TREASURE certain things about my relationships...I wanted certain things to be special and unique to mine and my man's relationship. And a part of that meant not telling everyone about something sweet he did for me, or about the inside jokes we've made up from silly things we've done together... Not everything needs to be shared, and not sharing certain things makes them even sweeter =p
14. Athena said the following at 5:31 PM on Jun 24:
I agree w/ #10 and #11 on the need to examine our reasons for blogging. There can be healthy and unhealthy ones. I think the reason why things got so messy was because the girl in question chose to blog about her relationships which were then used against her.
If the fact that creating a soap opera blog starring herself excites her more than the real life relationship, despite her boyfriend's protests, then it gives a clue to what she values more. As Christians, I think it is wise to share with the aim of edifying others and not embarrassing them. Yes, it is also unsettling when your friends take pictures of you, then post them on the web without asking your permission first. Apparently that is very common nowadays.
I recently had to deal with an inadvertent mass-forwarding of an online chat conversation I had with a friend. But that's for another day =)
15. awesome said the following at 8:25 PM on Jun 24:
Wait. So just so I'm clear you're blogging about how bad blogging is. There are many other ways that we could exemplify our gratefulness to Creator, perhaps by starting with following the word and not passing judgement.
And yes, I realized I just passed judgement on those who posted, but hopefully this stops the vicious cycle that is begun by those who judge the behavior of others rather than resolving to behave better ourselves. The best response to this post is no response at all and making a personal change in your life.
Quite simple: if you think blogging / gossiping is not appropriate don't comment on it, ignore it, and don't do it yourself.
16. Gabrielle said the following at 9:29 PM on Jun 24:
I personally took "Exposed" as more of a cautionary tale than yet another public washing of dirty laundry. Blogging is a very new phenomenon, and I think we need articles like that one to help us explore what the consequences may possibly be.
17. Liz said the following at 12:25 AM on Jun 25:
RIGHT ON.
And the online world has ruined humanity, honestly. It has ruined people's ability to discern how to go about certain types of dissension or social interaction.
I REFUSE to update my statuses on Facebook...or to even put anything online PUBLICLY that anyone can see that has to do with my life beyond I saw such and such movie and I liked it or hated it.
Doesn't it ever bother other people that you never know who your real friends are? Doesn't ever bother people that you are way too accessible?
Frankly, the internet is for cowards. I've found that most people won't say exactly word for word what they said over the net to someone in their face. If you can't say it to their face, DON'T SAY IT.
so preach it brotha.
18. Kathryn said the following at 2:01 AM on Jun 25:
I love blogging and often blog about things going on in my life. Movies, music, books, dreams, university, etc. If it's not appropriate for the world, I can lock it to only friends or friends-groups. I can even make it private to myself (in which case, I'll write in my paper-journal instead). I figure I wont blog about anything that I wouldn't want my parents to know about. It's not a forum for confidential and private knowledge like talking to a best friend.
One friend of mine however, decided to publicly blog about a pap smear. THAT is crossing the line! I'm her friend and did not want to even know she'd had one.
19. Christina said the following at 6:15 AM on Jun 25:
I have often wondered what I would do, how my blog would look if I were dating someone. I can't imagine even sharing about the relationship, let alone explanation of emotions other people shouldn't be privy to.
I got back and forth on my blog all the time. I love it, my family loves it, and my 5 other readers love it, but am I sharing too much? As a single female, there's a lot at stake when it comes to sharing thoughts with the internet. It's the question that requires great discernment and wisdom in my posts and I've decided to err on the side of not sharing intimately personal. And I don't share stories I wouldn't share with the general public and if I do share a story about someone, I ask permission first.
20. kaarina said the following at 8:59 AM on Jun 25:
Do we really want to understand the chronic oversharing of our society? Let's recall a moment from one of my favorite musicals... (apologies to Tim Rice, I murdered your lyrics)
And when he's safely in the Press
He'll be the hero to discuss
The media will lionize him
Fame and fortune plus
No one will recall it's
Thanks to us...
21. Amir Larijani said the following at 10:02 AM on Jun 25:
The bottom-line here is discretion.
When you are blogging about matters of a personal nature, especially when they involve someone else, you need to consider the impact that making such information public will have on them.
I occasionally blog on personal matters. On the other hand, here are some guidelines I try to follow:
(1) I use a pseudonym for myself. (Amir Larijani is not my real name; it is a pen name that I use for security reasons. It is, however, reflective of my national origin.) I see nothing wrong with that practice, as many authors often use pen names.
(2) When referring to people in my past relationships, I usually refer to them by phonetic initials (Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, ...) Sometimes, I'll use different initials for a person if I feel that their actual initials would give their identities away.
(3) I won't air anything about the folks I know out of spite. If she broke up with me on bad terms, and I know some damaging stuff about her, it stays with me and does not become public fodder.
(4) I am also VERY guarded about talking about my parents: I ALWAYS focus on the good things they did, not the things they got wrong. If there's anything I can't stand, it's when someone is always blaming their parents for everything, or putting them down all the time. The command to "honor your father and your mother" doesn't become null when you turn 18.
(5) I don't use my blog as a forum to bash co-workers. It's not only career-threatening; it's just bad professionalism. After all, I would not want them doing the same to me.
And that's the bottom line here: how would you want others blogging about you? It's one thing to joust with other bloggers--like I do in my blog space and here--it's another thing to turn blog spaces into dirty laundry sessions, couched in spiritual lingo.
22. Adam D. said the following at 1:29 PM on Jun 25:
These people just need to get out from behind their computer more often, that will solve the problem.
23. Tami said the following at 4:55 PM on Jun 25:
Amir (21): well, I guess that explains why you feel comfortable displaying both a first and last name. :)
24. Amir Larijani said the following at 6:34 PM on Jun 25:
Tami: Amir is my middle name in real life. Larijani is an Iranian name...I cannot discuss how I adopted that one.
My dad is from Kermanshah, Iran, which is barely 100 miles from Baghdad. He lived in Tehran for most of his childhood before coming to the U.S. in the 1960s. Today, he's a naturalized U.S. citizen.
That side of the family is Muslim. Secularized, but nominally Muslim.
Because I often blog on topics that would attract the attention of our friends in Al Qaeda--plus the fact that they don't particularly take kindly to children of Musliims who convert to Christianity--I use a pen name.
25. Tami said the following at 9:16 PM on Jun 25:
Amir -- Sorry if my comment came out wrong, or weird. I don't blame you for using a pseudonym in the least, for any reason at all -- but especially for the reasons you list. I've just always been surprised that you *did* include your last name. Or, *a* last name, as the case is. But it makes sense, if that's your online nom de plume.
26. Katherine O'D said the following at 10:25 PM on Jun 26:
According to the NYT article, the writer at issue is a 26-year-old woman. So perhaps Jeffries can explain how it is that he continually refers to her as "the girl".
No objection if I refer to Jeffries as "the boy", right?
27. a sister said the following at 4:44 PM on Jun 29:
I don't know that I would "diary" blog. I write notes on my FB profile for real life friends only to see (though never anything that I would mind getting out in the mainstream). When I blog publicly, it is about politics & culture. The kind of gal / guy who would do what happened in this story are just mean, rude gossips (an area any of us COULD fall) but if they didn't blog, then they would be the sort of folk who would denigrate each other to their mutual friends (which is probably even worse).
28. Nadine said the following at 6:30 PM on Jun 29:
I'm always trying to find that balance between honesty and openness. I can be real when I blog without exposing intimate details (despite the ease with which my heart pours out when typing.) I edit and edit again, making sure that if I'm telling stories, I'm telling stories about myself, not about others.
I also try to hold myself accountable by emailing friends certain blog entries that may involve them. Even after changing names and incriminating details.
It's a tough line. I'm a natural over-sharer. I try to remember that if there's one person on this planet who shouldn't be reading the post, then it probably shouldn't be posted at all.