For Heaven's Sake, Don't Follow Your Heart
by Suzanne Hadley on 06/14/2008 at 3:24 PM
I've been thinking the past few days how much I depend upon my feelings. I may think I'm being logical, but I often make decisions based on how I feel.
Exhibit A: I am emotionally touched by that romantic comedy with slightly immoral content. I resonate with the plight and feelings of the main character. Sure, her values are different than mine, but I like her and I'm rooting for her. I justify the inappropriate content, because watching this film makes me feel good.
Exhibit B: I'm indignant. That fellow Christian did something that offended me. I find it unacceptable, not because it violated a Scriptural command but because it hurt my feelings. Surely something that upsets me that much is wrong. And I certainly won't be the first to seek reconciliation.
Exhibit C: I like Skip*. Even though Skip exhibits signs of spiritual immaturity and is clearly not pursuing (just) me, I feel this strong pull toward him. This must mean something deep and significant, right?
In each of these situations I am allowing my feelings to be my primary guiding factor. There's one big problem with that: My heart is the last thing I should be trusting.
Jeremiah writes: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
This message flies in the face of our culture's obsession with "follow your heart." Unless your heart is captive to the Savior, it is the last thing you should be following. Jesus offers a different mantra: follow me. Comparing Himself to a shepherd, Jesus says: "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me."
So don't let your heart deceive you. It's not infallible. In fact, its default mode is to lead you the wrong direction. Don't follow your heart; follow your Savior.
*Fictional name
1. Jacob said the following at 3:34 PM on Jun 14
Amen.
2. Rachael said the following at 3:55 PM on Jun 14
Nice post! And very open!
3. BDB said the following at 4:27 PM on Jun 14
It's so sweet that you're using the Bible!
No, seriously, feelings are like tides: they rise and fall, you shouldn't ignore them (especially if you are a harbor pilot taking a vessel out) but they don't stay the same for long...
4. Lee said the following at 5:30 PM on Jun 14
I find myself to be the total opposite. I follow my mind way too much to the point that sometimes I have no feelings. Perhaps it's because I'm an engineer and as a scientist, we strive to make everything in the world rational and logical. I agree with your last line however, "Don't follow your heart [or your mind _entirely_]; follow your Savior". I am reminded of Luke 10:27..."Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind".
5. Nicole (from Boston) said the following at 8:10 PM on Jun 14
Good thoughts. As thankful as I am for emotions and the ability to experience them, they make horrible path guides. I'm so thankful for the Holy Spirit, Scripture, and the many wise (older than me) people in my church. They are much better guides than my emotions.
6. Josh said the following at 8:34 PM on Jun 14
Ok, I'll bite.
How do you figure out when its "your heart" or "Jesus" telling you to do something?
7. skeeter said the following at 11:39 PM on Jun 14
So they said, "Boy, you just follow your heart,"
- but my heart just led me into my chest.
They said, "Follow your nose,"
- but the direction changed every time I went and turned my head.
And they said, "Boy, you just follow your dreams,"
- but my dreams were only misty notions.
But the Father of hearts and the Maker of noses and the Giver of dreams is the One I have chosen - and I will follow Him.
any excuse for a Rich Mullins quote. :)
8. peanut said the following at 11:48 PM on Jun 14
What about intuition? I rely heavily on my intuition and it rarely fails me. I think a differentiation should be made between following one's "heart" and being sensitive to intuition, which I consider to be a God-given gift.
9. Farmer Pete said the following at 3:10 AM on Jun 15
I have met those who would forget that Jesus included in the first commandment, the requirement to love God with all of our *mind*.
As someone who loves the truth, and who loves a God who proclaims himself to be the God of all truth, I object heartily to the idea that truth is determined by subjective emotion rather than objective reality.
As someone with a low level of Aspergers Syndrome - which is characterized by an atypically low level of emotional connection - I am deeply perturbed by claims that logic and analysis have no place in faith. These are the ONLY tools that I have to understand either God or his creation. I am a Christian, not because of any feeling, but because the Christian explanation of what "is" is the only one that makes sense.
Peter
10. Farmer Pete said the following at 8:38 AM on Jun 15
Josh - Post #6
As scripture says, "Test all things" and "In the mouths of two or three witnesses, let everything be established."
If it is Jesus, your heart and mind should be in a agreement.
Test your feelings against scripture, if they agree, hold onto them, if they don't,the feelings are false.
"Witnesses" include scripture, godly people who know and care for you, wisdom (or plain old common-sense)and the previously revealed trend of God's will in your life.
11. Lizzie said the following at 10:11 AM on Jun 15
Peanut (#8):
Actually, the book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by Malcolm Gladwell, explains how powerful our first judgments (gut instincts) are. Can't remember if there are any inappropriate things in there (I don't think so?), but I enjoyed it. =P
12. Tami said the following at 10:27 AM on Jun 15
Don't ignore your feelings or toss them aside. They might very well mean something -- but *what* they mean is the question; that's where discernment and prayer come into play.
In the process of renewing your whole self... God can renew your feelings, too. It's a good prayer, and an interesting one to witness God work out in your own life. I find that methodical meditation on the Psalms really helps in this matter. :)
If you feel a tidal pull towards something or someone (thanks for the analogy, BDB), pray that God would reveal *why.* In the case of Example C, you could feel that "strong pull" because God wants to draw you to Skip -- OR, He might want to reveal that your emotions and "instincts" (sorry, can't think of a better word) typically draw you to a wrong type of guy... thereby bringing you through the process of learning what the *right* type is -- so that you don't just know *intellectually* what the right "type" is, but you know on a more internal, intuitive level.
13. hxcjf said the following at 10:45 AM on Jun 15
Suzanne:
I'm wondering, isn't that confusing the Old Covenant with the New Covenant? Jeremiah is making a present-tense statement of the situation in the Old Covenant. But Ezekiel prophesies of the New Covenant in Ez. 11:19, 18:31, and 36:26. In these three passages, God promises to take out our "stony" hearts and give us new hearts and new spirits. The message of the Old Covenant is the power of sin. Touch a leper, get leprosy. But the message of the New Covenant is the power of grace. Touch a leper, they get healed. Central to this idea is understanding that you are not just a "sinner saved by grace" but that you have received an identity change from sinner to saint. A person who has an Old Covenant mentality that their sins are covered but their identity has not changed can never walk in holiness, just as the Israelites were never able to. God's solution to them (identity change through Jesus' sacrifice) is the same as His solution to us. Do we still have crucify the flesh? Certainly, but we do it from a core internal understanding of our new identity, not a desparate attempt to clean ourselves up to become holy. It is God's grace in our new hearts changing us from the inside out, not God trying to invade our rebellious hearts from the outside. CS Lewis said most of our fascination with sin and the flesh comes from failure to see anything greater. (mudpies on the beach example) God always has much better plans for us than the lusts we pursue ourselves. But if we see from heaven's perspective, we won't even want to follow our own lusts because we will desire what He desires. That is true holiness. (interesting latin root there: de=of, -sire=Father)Personally, I never had victory over sin until I realized what I was settling for and pursued what God had, which was always much more awesome than I could have imagined. Then you don't even want to sin, and the weird thing is that those great God-given things start coming to you because you're no longer so wrapped up in yourself and your failures. You start having cool spiritual encounters, divine relationships come to you, money comes to you, all because of a perspective shift on your identity in Christ and the spiritual power it releases.
Anyway, love the blog, love podcasts, keep 'em coming. Thanks for stickin' to CT on the SATC review. Totally unacceptable on their part and I honor everyone at FOTF for taking a hard line on purity in media.
14. James said the following at 11:33 AM on Jun 15
Right on! It seems that the American Church as a whole is too wrapped up in this emotionalism/spiritual high that takes emotion and puts it as the engine of the human happy-train (boy does that ever sound quirky).
Our emotions ARE important and God does give us new hearts, #13, but we still have fleshly hearts and they are indeed decietful above all things. Our spirits are renewed, but our emotions are still partly tied to the sinful fleshly remnants. That is why we are to lean on the Word first, and let our faith follow that. And being pulled by that THEN comes our emotions. They make a great caboose, but they're an aweful engine.
15. christina said the following at 2:37 PM on Jun 15
This is so true...Why this morning alone I have had at least 10 different feelings. If I had acted on each and everyone I would be in a pickle. We also have to ask ourselves what emotion is driving us to do what ever it is our "heart" or mind is telling us. Just like you said, we must follow Jesus. We must TRUST that what he has for us will be the best reguardless of that feeling.
16. Suzanne said the following at 3:17 PM on Jun 15
hxcjf,
Good point. That's what I meant when I said, "unless your heart is captive to the Savior..." I'm talking primarily about situations where it's clear what God wants, and following my heart would lead a different direction. As you say, I believe generally the regenerated Christian should have the mind (and heart) of Christ.
17. B. Minich said the following at 3:18 PM on Jun 15
Good post, Suzanne!
#13: While I agree that we have a new nature, we also have the old nature still inside of us. There is a part of us (and I'm sure you agree with this) that doesn't want what is right, and that part very often expresses itself in feelings. As we mature in Christ, I believe that our feelings fall more in line with his desires, but they never FULLY do, and I always find it helpful to distrust my feelings until I can get a better look at where they are leading.
#6: The best way of telling what Jesus is saying is looking at the Word of God. That's where he speaks in an objective way. Each of the situations Suzanne mentions have a Scripture that sets the wrong feelings straight again.
18. Andrew said the following at 9:01 PM on Jun 15
Life would be so much easier if we did not have feelings at all. There would not be nearly as many foolish decisions made.
Also, we would never be hurt by anything.
19. Lisa said the following at 11:27 PM on Jun 15
I am exhibit C and you were tapping into my mind!
Thanks for the reminder Suzanne.
Sometimes I feel like I have no control over what I feel towards Skip, but the post was a good reminder to take every thought captive.
Sigh, it also struck me how I've deluded myself into thinking that there must be something deep and significant about it all...
God help me because I can't help myself!
20. Mike Toreno said the following at 12:36 AM on Jun 16
Some of you guys really need to read "The Man that Corrupted Hadleyburg". This constant self-analysis and self-evaluation bespeaks a lack of fundamental orientation toward right behavior, and I think it's also a mechanism for focus on self and self-aggrandizement. If you train yourself right, you basically know what to do and basically tend to do it, you aren't evaluating every single thing you do and think.
21. Angie said the following at 9:20 AM on Jun 16
Suzanne,
Thank you for this one. I have been an exhibitor of all three scenarios. These are the "real-life" topics I wish the church and even my Singles Ministry would more openly discuss.
hxcjf,
I like how you spelled it out. Good reminder.
22. Tami said the following at 10:31 AM on Jun 16
Lisa (19), I've been an Exhibit C, too. :) One of the best things I've done in my spiritual walk is pay attention to the feelings and *take them to God*. I hit my knees nightly in prayer for the guy (note: not that I would have a relationship with him, but for the guy's relationship with God), and asked God to reveal what it was He wanted me to learn.
I had so much good fruit come out of that time. For one, God increased my faith mightily in that time -- and I have *personally* grown (God showed me a lot about myself, too... surprise!). Next, I have also seen God become more present in the guy's life, via the presence of more Christian friends. And finally, I'm released from the "crush," which is in itself a huge miracle (I was *so* attracted to this guy, nothing short of a huge miracle would've worked!).
Maybe God intends something completely different for you (and most likely, He does), but my suggestion is to take the feelings seriously and take them to God in prayer. :) Let God work out the reversal in feelings He (probably) intends to do. As you said, He can do it much better than we can.
It doesn't work to just smoosh feelings or deny them in our own strength. IMO that just tends to make them deeper and stronger.
23. Stephanie A. said the following at 12:07 PM on Jun 16
Good post. I needed this right now. Thanks Suzanne!
24. Tiffany said the following at 5:06 PM on Jun 16
You had to tell us that Skip was a fake name? If you were dating a guy actually named Skip, please "skip" the other way! :)
25. brx said the following at 7:49 PM on Jun 16
Suzanne, hxcjf;
Cool post & response. As I neared the end of the post, I too was thinking of Ez 11:19
"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."
A few years ago, I was deeply wrestling with how and whether or not I can follow my heart in a pursuit of a relationship when the Bible repeatedly says to beware of the heart's deceitfulness. Eventually, God led me into Ezekiel.
Interestingly, I've only found one place in the Bible where following your heart is given approval. And incidentally, that's only after all other checks for righteous intent have passed. 1 Cor 7.
I really liked how you explained old covenant and new covenant leprosy with simple brevity, hxcjf.
[Suzanne, I hope you're not being too hard on Skip; you're not exactly a spiritual elder yourself ;) ...not criticizing - just saying humility is nice]
Grace, peace & adventure!
26. Mike Theemling said the following at 7:52 PM on Jun 16
To completely dismiss either reason (the mind) or feelings (the "heart") is unwise.
I agree that oft people rely too much upon feelings, hunches, and emotional duress. Gamblers who believe they are destined to hit the jackpot in the next couple of rounds. Couples who marry because they feel they've found their "soulmate". And followers of religions who just know theirs is the true one because they get that feeling from God.
However, there are some cases where feelings can be right with no logical explanation. Or perhaps some past personal experience or nagging at the heart (e.g. a calling).
Many could probably attest to having a "sense" of something not right about a situation and have it validated. Many times people terminate relationships not on utilitarian reasons but on things such as "chemistry" or just that, "We just didn't 'click'". And of course there are those anecdotes of Christians who despite having comfortable lifestyles felt a calling to become a missionary in a foreign land.
I agree that as a guideline making decisions solely upon emotion is not prudent, but neither should it be discounted.
27. Heather said the following at 8:57 PM on Jun 16
But seriously, with a name like Skip,you know he can't be trusted.
28. Stephanie said the following at 11:41 PM on Jun 16
Tami (22):
Great post and it reminded me of an experience with my own "Skip". Sorry this is super long, but I hope it might be kind of encouraging to people:
When I was around 15 or 16, I became very, very attracted to an older (in his 20's at the time) guy I knew only casually who was not a Christian (and actually, I hear, somewhat hostile to Christianity). I persisted in this foolishness for a month or so without the slightest bit of guilt (thank goodness I at least kept these feelings to myself!) until one night God convicted me through a dream.
In my dream someone from my family came up to me and told me that this person had died, but right before he died he had become a Christian. When I woke up, I knew that I should pray for him, but I didn't want to because then I would have to give up having a crush on him if I was actually going to take him seriously and actually care about him. After arguing with God about how I didn't want to pray for him, I finally gave in.
I prayed for him for a while, then moved away to college, forgot all about him, and never thought about him anymore. Then much later (recently, to my shame) I started getting very obsessed with him again. I was frustrated for having these ridiculous feelings now that I was so much older and more mature! So I took a walk with God one day and was telling him all about how mad I was at myself.
"Why don't you pray for him?" he said.
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because that will just make me think about him more!"
"Will it? Because you sure seem like you're thinking about him a lot now as it is!"
So reluctantly, I gave in -- but just that once. I was only going to pray for him that day. Then I told God that my heart was nowhere near ready to start praying for him regularly again. I "challenged" him -- even though I knew that that wasn't right -- and told him that if he really wanted me to pray for this guy again he was going to have to send me a sign. Well, that night I had a dream that someone came up and told me,
"[This person] said he believes that the Bible is the one and only true word of God."
I still struggle with thinking about him a lot, even though I haven't seen him in several months. But I know that in spite of all that, God wants me to pray for him and for some reason it is really important to God that I pray for him. Also, what's interesting is that often after I pray for him my obsessive thoughts about him will immediately stop.
So, yeah, definitely take the feelings to God. Maybe he wants to make something good come of them. (???)
29. Farmer Pete said the following at 2:36 AM on Jun 17
Interesting that a great many of the occasions in the NT that the word "heart" is used it does not mean purely the emotions. It mean the "centre" of our being and includes both mind AND emotions. Thoughts AND feelings.
So when Jesus quotes the first commandment, he is really saying "Love the Lord your God with all of your thoughts-and-feelings and all of your soul and all your mind.
When - in the beatitudes - he say "Blessed are the pure in heart', that is best translated as "Blessed are the pure in thoughts and emotions".
The biblical definition of "heart" is not the same as that used by modern pop-psychologists.
It is also interesting that while the OT promises us a new heart, the NT says that we will be transformed by the renewing of the mind. As belief always requires understanding, it is quite probable that the new heart promised on the OT is the result of the renewed mind of the NT. Not something hat happens independently.
Thoughtfully......... Peter
30. Ariana said the following at 6:04 AM on Jun 17
Stephanie (28), you said:
"I knew that I should pray for him, but I didn't want to because then I would have to give up having a crush on him if I was actually going to take him seriously and actually care about him."
Why would you have to stop liking him in order to actually care about him? I get the not wanting to think about him more bit, but shouldn't you be able to have genuine charity for your crushes, too?
31. Dan Gill said the following at 7:16 AM on Jun 17
Perhaps this would be better titled, "Don't Follow Your Heart into Sin."
32. Suzanne said the following at 9:01 AM on Jun 17
Any Skips out there...we love you!
33. M.R. said the following at 9:19 AM on Jun 17
Stephanie (#28) thanks for your post. It struck directly at the dilemma I have right now.
Last year I followed a mixture of emotion (not healthy emotion: a lot of it was my own insecurity and fear at having to be vulnerable with a guy I cared a lot about when I was not okay with myself) and reason (the guy had a few red flags) into breaking it off with a guy who I KNEW and KNOW is wrong for me (not least of all because he found a new girlfriend less than two months after I told him I had to stop seeing him). If God speaks in life circumstances rather than my own stupid feelings, then this is a clear call from God to forget him. Right?
The thing is, I have spent the last year thinking about him non-stop, after begging God to let me forget him! I've experienced depression and regrets over the thoughts that I made a huge mistake. Everyone else has validated my decision, and the circumstances themselves (him having a girlfriend, and other reasons I will not go into here) have validated it. Yet I think about him every day, innumerable times, and still experience great sadness over the way things turned out.
When I broke it off with him and started feeling pangs of sadness and regret, I got the advice to NOT pray for him, because that would keep the link between us alive. Well well, lo and behold, it still is alive after more than a year of this. I have prayed for him on and off, but furtively and guiltily (because of this advice) and my prayers have been more along the lines of "let me forget him, but your will be done" rather than for his own growth and good.
So I'm going to try this tack: praying for HIS GOOD, everyday, routinely, unabashedly. I avoided this before because I thought it would give me hope / be too painful. And it's true, I tended to conflate HIS GOOD with the hope that we can be together again. But now that that hope is very small / NIL, I'm going to give it another go. Trial and error!
34. Tami said the following at 9:45 AM on Jun 17
Stephanie (28) -- Thanks. :) I definitely hear some echoes of my story in yours, particularly in how God worked through the situation. Thanks for sharing.
35. Kelly said the following at 10:33 AM on Jun 17
Y'know, I don't trust my heart as far as I can throw it. (And since I'm not going to throw my heart anywhere due to imminent death, that means... no trust whatsoever!)
It's because my heart, in the past, has been able to persuade me to do the most ridiculous things. To throw everything aside in the name of 'love'. To forget sense and maturity and believe that this feeling of love is worth more than anything else.
I do miss my heart, at times, but I won't listen to it. Life is much safer, much more balanced, if you don't love too deeply.
36. BDB said the following at 12:18 PM on Jun 17
Stephanie (#28):
Well, you motivated me to go check my Bible. There are six times in the book of Matthew when God used a dream to send a message:
Matt 1:20
Matt 2:12
Matt 2:13
Matt 2:19
Matt 2:22
Matt 27:19
There are lots of times in the New Testament where we are encouraged to pray. Praying is a good thing. If you feel nudged to pray for a specific person - for any reason - it's worth doing.
There was one really bad day I had more than 10 years ago. I was numb and didn't tell anyone - just went to work and was quiet. When I got home at the end of the day, there was a message on my answering machine from one of the chuch intercessors who said that for some reason she was led to pray for me that day. Now, that's the only time anyone's left me a message like that, and I'm not aware of any way she could have known what I was going through that day. But I certainly remember it.
37. brx said the following at 1:16 PM on Jun 17
Farmer Pete (#29),
I can agree there may be some connection there. In Romans 12:1~2, I think Paul is making a connection to OT burnt sacrifices to the Lord. In those sacrifices, the kidneys were set asside to be completely consumed on the altar - completely given up to God. The kidneys function as filters for the body. The Hebrew word for 'mind' is similar to the word for 'kidney'. Similar in function, the mind can act as a filter between the world and the heart. In contrast to a burnt sacrifice consumed on the altar, we are living sacrifices if we give our whole mind up to God so He may renew it - to guide what it discerns or what it allows into/out-of the heart.
Not knowing Hebrew well myself, I think I probably miss many other amazing word-pictures that are in the Bible.
Grace & peace
38. jan said the following at 7:20 PM on Jun 17
I have to respond to Kelly. I too have begun to ignore my heart and not let myself feel too deeply for anyone. It started after being hurt by the same guy over and over. Now I tend to extend it to everyone around me. Being an over-analytical person anyway, it is easy to just let my brain take over. It is not a happy way to live, but it does feel safer. I dont want to live like this forever, but for the present, it makes me feel more in control of my world. Many days, I feel and act like a non-person, just doing what is expected of me and being polite and civil to family and friends. I dont want anyone to even see into my heart. I hope someday to meet the person who can change this for me. But for now, I have to agree that it feels a lot safer to let the brain do all the work.
39. xeres said the following at 9:53 PM on Jun 17
Suzanne,
It is true that emotions are never meant to be the foundation/source of truth or meant to be the ultimate source for making right conclusions. Sensationalism leaves me a bad taste in my mouth. However, last time I checked, God warned about our depraved minds as well as our deceiving hearts. Just because a conclusion is logical doesn't necessarily mean it is sound. Pragmatism isn't something to have full faith in either. Humans are very good at rationalizing things as well as lying to themselves. Logic/reason (gasp!)often are used just as much as emotions to do this sort of things.
This doesn't mean I disagree your statements about the human heart. You made good points and we need to be more discerning. I'm just saying that we need to address that one's logic and intellect is just as flawed as one's feeling. For instance, Solomon maybe was the wisest and smartest among men (except Jesus) but as a person, he later became a class A jerk (big understatement) along with being an idolator, lacking compassion and generosity.
40. Farmer Pete said the following at 3:57 AM on Jun 18
Perhaps the difference between thinking and feeling, is that it is easier to check our thoughts and understanding against an objective standard such as scripture.
Particularly if we value truth more than feeling good.
Test, compare, look for multiple witnesses and corroborating evidence.
Peter
41. Suzanne said the following at 10:18 AM on Jun 18
Hey, Xeres.
That's a great point! I don't think I was emphasizing rationalism over emotionalism, though. Instead, I was proposing the discipline of listening for the "still, small voice." Sometimes that voice may come in the form of a gut feeling. Other times it comes in the truth found in God's Word. His sheep hear his voice and know it. Many times the "voice" I'm listening to instead is my own deceitful heart. For example, in Exhibit C, I took two weeks to intentionally seek the Lord on this situation. He gave me four specific confirmations that His answer was "no." Still, my heart sometimes leans toward "yes." In this case, I recognize His voice, and it goes against my natural feelings.
Thanks for the thoughts!
42. Jonathon said the following at 8:58 AM on Dec 8
First of all I realize this is six months after the fact, but I just found this thread.
Kelly: "I do miss my heart, at times, but I won't listen to it. Life is much safer, much more balanced, if you don't love too deeply."
That's terrible! Life is not meant to be "safe." Christianity does not mean Killing Your Heart. Christianity means coming fully alive - all that you are (heart, mind, soul etc) fully alive in Christ. It is through Christ that our hearts are restored to what they should be, and what they originally were before the Fall.
No, don't blindly follow your heart. Follow Jesus. But you don't have to, nor should you, kill your heart to do so.
I feel for you and your pain. I'll be praying (with all my heart).