Why Breakups Feel Like Divorce: Episode #18
by Motte Brown on 05/23/2008 at 2:02 PM
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Roundtable -- 5:30
Who among us hasn't experienced a painful breakup? I know I have. And for most of my life, I thought the risk of "terrible loss" was just part of dating. But it doesn't have to be this way. In this week's Roundtable, we discuss the primary causes of breakups that feel like divorce and talk about how practicing some restraint might protect against feelings of regret and bereavement if things don't work out.
Culture -- 21:48
There are very few movies that come out in a year that I'll go to the theater for. But this year, I'd like to see about three on the big screen: Prince Caspian, Indiana Jones and ... (title too long) and the new Batman. Plugged In's Bob Waliszewski talks about two of them in this week's Culture segment. I was extremely interested in what he had to say about the new Indiana Jones movie premiering tonight, particularly given the mixed reviews. Bob also talks about the movie version of Sex in the City that apparently many of Lisa's friends are excited about. What!
Hungry Years -- 33:10
We skipped this segment last week because of our long interview with Joel Rosenberg (which you'll want to be sure and catch if you missed). But we're back this week with a good one from Steve Watters called "Clothes Don't Make the Man." In it, Steve recounts a time in his life when Uncle Gary, a custodian, taught him why the tags on your clothes aren't half as important as who you are.
Inbox -- 37:55
Girl meets guy. Become close friends. He's godly, kind, everything that would make a great husband. But is there hope if there's no romantic attraction on her part. Candice answers ... (drum roll please) yes. But how? Listen in.
Finally, we'd love to hear back from you about our longer music segments. I have to say, I really enjoyed this week's bumpers from classical guitarist Keith Cooper. Lisa met him at NRB this year and says he can really shred a guitar. He can.
1. Adam T. said the following at 2:34 PM on May 23:
Wow. As someone who's fresh from (well, currently) experiencing a breakup that feels like a divorce, I want to hear this one.
Question:
Who among us hasn't experienced a painful breakup? I know I have.
So - did you get over it eventually? Because I don't think I ever will, but you know what they say about time healing all wounds...
2. Madison said the following at 3:45 PM on May 23:
I never understand these posts... how can I see/hear whatever it is that this post is about? Is it an audio thing? I don't know.... but I'm extra interested in this one, having experience breakup feeling like divorce... and yes Adam, you will get over it... God is an awesome comforter.
3. Christina (in green) said the following at 3:49 PM on May 23:
Oh, Adam (#1)...
Let me tell you...even if the world feels like its falling apart every single day, you will eventually get over it.
Trust me on that one.
I have definitly been there.
4. Motte said the following at 4:03 PM on May 23:
Madison:
Yes, it's an audio thing. Just click on the "Feedburner/RSS" link and scroll down until you find the "play" button. And then enjoy.
5. Will said the following at 4:20 PM on May 23:
I had to break up with my fiance, who I loved desperately, because she just would not go with me in God the same way I knew God was leading me.
I say that I broke up with her because initially she broke up with me, but then gave me the opportunity to get back together with her, which I did not take.
It was the hardest, most painful thing I ever had to do. I felt sick day in and and day out. I sobbed and sobbed. I prayed for God to kill me. I lost 15 pounds because I couldn't eat.
And I wouldn't change a thing. God has restored my heart and given me peace because I was obedient.
6. Julianne said the following at 5:08 PM on May 23:
I so appreciated the wisdom from the inbox response this week. That question has come up in so many conversations with my girlfriends lately, and it is definitely a struggle to know how much time to continue to invest in a relationship with a godly guy whom you don't have that physical attraction for.
My situation sounds nearly identical to mindy's, and it has been my prayer that regardless of if attraction grows for either one of us, that God would encourage my friend to lead our friendship, preparing him to lead in a further relationship either with me, or with the woman who will one day be his bride; and that I would continue to learn how to encourage and support a man who is so earnestly seeking God.
It is such a blessing to hear such candid wisdom about this issue.
and also...I like the longer music segments!
7. Adam T. said the following at 5:46 PM on May 23:
And I wouldn't change a thing. God has restored my heart and given me peace because I was obedient.
I'm glad to hear that, Will.
I still haven't listened to the show (I will; I'm busy right now), but I can tell you this: I've learned that one way to avoid a breakup that feels like a divorce is to avoid the wrong kinds of emotional intimacy. One of the reasons my recent breakup was (is) so hard is that I let her into my mind and heart and soul, and I'm having trouble believing I could ever be so emotionally intimate with anyone again. It was a mistake to become so intimate with someone I wasn't married to.
8. Rachael said the following at 6:18 PM on May 23:
Wow, I want to hear the roundtable and inbox...
Adam T., there is definitely hope. The most or among the most painful situations were 2 in which the guys weren't even my boyfriends. And somehow I got over those. The first one I never was too close to, but somehow I had a huge heartbreak reaction when I realized he wasn't interested or interested anymore. I was young, though, and it was the first guy I hung out with a bit. I don't think it took me too long to get over it, though.
Then there was another ongoing situation where I really liked a good friend who didn't like me back. That killed me...well, not quite as I'm alive and doing fine. But it was ongoing heart torment for sure. And then there was a long segment of time where he stopped communicating with me as much as before, but he was being intentional about that semi cold-turkey (to an extent) experience, so that is honorable. The whole experience was absolutely hard on me for an extremely long time even though he wasn't my boyfriend. I believe God helped me with this whole situation through time (a very long time), and a prayer including the confession of sin and a desire for peace. A day after that prayer, I wondered if Phil 4:7 true for me...I recommend attempting that verse, and even writing out your prayer as 'documentation' so that you remember you prayed it and remember God's faithfulness. At least it was good for me, I think... Another thing that helped was starting to like someone else and getting myself out of group situations where I saw him regularly. And then of course it made me feel better that in the end he communicated with me again.
So I guess...in short...take heart...things do get better...sometimes it takes people a very long time, but that doesn't mean it has to take you a long time.
Peace be with you...
9. Rachael said the following at 6:33 PM on May 23:
P.S. Adam T. & To whoever else may still be suffering from break-up and pseudo-break up-ish situations --
Here is an Augustine quote I once posted on my blog:
"...the remembering is far different than the experiencing. Without rejoicing, I remember the joys I once felt. Without renewed sorrow, I recollect past sorrows. I can review old fears without being afraid and remember what I once wanted without desire. In reflecting on some memories, I now feel the opposite emotion I felt then" (p. 151 , The Confessions of St. Augustine, Modern English Version, abbreviated).
Take heart...things will get better!
10. BDB said the following at 8:05 PM on May 23:
I'm not sure who said it, but the "intro" phase of relationships to talk about favorite music, authors, etc.? Seems like a lot of people simply post all the introductory stuff in their profile now. I suppose you could take a position against profiles. On the other hand, some people may find such things an easier way to identify things people have in common. I'm mostly thinking of authors here - given that books and ideas shape people's character. Someone who reads a lot of missionary biographies will be shaped one way, someone who read's Oprah magazine will be shaped a different way.
Those two people will probably end up having an awkward lunch after they realize how different their world view is...
Regarding the 30 days not doing a job...it kind of depends on WHICH 30 days you're talking about. Task-based work, like janitorial, will be noticed in pretty much any 30 days where they are neglected. In a job where I was in charge of the budget, maybe they wouldn't notice if I was gone for 30 days. But if that 30 days was during budget season, THEN everyone would notice...
Of course, if I was the finance guy, and the janitor didn't show up for 3 days, he'd be fired and a new subcontractor would be in. So, if the finance guy is doing his job right, no one will notice the janitor taking a 30-day unauthorized leave...
11. Adam T. said the following at 9:17 PM on May 23:
Wow. Candice took the words right out of my mind. She said exactly what I've been feeling: beginning at 14:02, the bit about becoming so emotionally involved with one person that if it doesn't work out, you may never have that again with anyone else. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty close to giving up and marrying for superficialities because I don't think I'll ever love anyone again as deeply as I have.
Here's the thing that I disagree with, though: Steve talked about how people enter relationships and they want the benefits of marriage - i.e., emotional intimacy - right away. I think, though, that usually we enter relationships and develop that emotional intimacy because we don't even realize that it's something that should be saved for marriage. Everyone (Christian) knows sex should be saved for marriage; I didn't know emotional intimacy should be saved for marriage until it was too late.
I also agree with Ted that there aren't any examples of the proper way to do it. :(
Unrelatedly, this is the first Boundless show I've heard where I actually liked any of the music. I'm gonna check out this Keith Cooper character.
12. Louise said the following at 9:33 PM on May 23:
Trust me, if you folks ever do experience divorce, you will KNOW that is it not like a "breakup."
Been there, done that.
13. Tami said the following at 9:36 PM on May 23:
Beautiful music, especially "Fairest Lord Jesus."
14. Roundtable Girl said the following at 11:13 PM on May 23:
The reader's situation that Lisa Anderson read to start off the Roundtable segment of the show was from me.
Well, actually, it was an exerpt from a comment I posted a few months ago had completely forgotten about until I listened to this podcast.
I would like to say that I agree with the Roundtable contributers that we should strive to preserve emotional, physical, and even some aspects of spiritual intimacy for marriage only. These intimate encounters are what God intended for us when we become one with our spouse, NOT before.
However, I want to assert that even those who strive for purity in these areas of our relationships can experience break ups just as difficult as those who have inappropriately stepped over the boundaries.
If you and your significant other have worked hard to save your emotional and physical self for marriage and are eagerly anticipating the day when it is God-pleasing to have those intimacies, wouldn't you still be completely crushed when all those hopes and dreams come abruptly to an end?
I was.
My boyfriend I and met at our college orientation while we were still in high school. When we saw each other again the next fall, there was an immediate connection. We were casual friends for most of that year, but after having a class together, he asked me out on a couple of dates just before the school year ended. Since we were headed to different states and he was working at a summer camp, I think our only contact consisted of one handwritten letter each for the duration of the summer.
Once we returned for the school that Fall, it took us about three months for us to become 'official' and another three before our first kiss. Throughout the course of our college careers, we were both extremely involved with academics and extracurriculars; most of which led us in separate directions.
We spent the following summers in different states (or countries!) studying, working, or volunteering. While growing in our relationship, we also remained close to our good friends and to our churches.
Needless to say, because of the intensity and busyness of the college years, time spent together was precious and cherished.
The summer after my junior year, we had the Big Talk. By this time, we were pretty darn sure that this relationship was going to be The One. So, sitting over lunch at McDonald's, we planned our future together: a job acceptance, an out-of-state move, and a wedding in the summer of 2008.
Fast forward to the following Christmas break, our senior year. After an argument, we have a long discussion. He says he can't be the man I need him to be. The goals he wants to pursue and the way in which he needs to pursue them won't allow him. He loves me, but can't marry me.
Many silent minutes and tears later, it's over.
So that's how you date someone for four years and end up breaking up.
As I suggested in the beginning of this post, I believe we must save ourselves for marriage, but doing so does not guarantee an easy break up. The loss of dreams, shared goals, memories, a good friend, and the hope of a future together are not easy things to part with.
Adam, Christina, Will, thanks for sharing.
Anyone experiencing a break up--cling to Him; humans are imperfect, but God's love never fails.
15. dave b said the following at 11:19 PM on May 23:
I dated a girl for 7 months last year we got to the point where we had to make a decision whether to marry or breakup. I wanted to marry she decided to break up. It was incredibly painful. I was a mess for a few months. I have never had someone close to me die but that is what it felt like. She was my best friend, knew everything about me and there was no one that I would have rather spent time with. It just really sucked to lose her.
There is no getting around pain. Ecclessiates says there is time a time laughter and time for tears. I spent a lot time crying. I talked to God all the time and just told him how much I hurt. I journaled. I just got it out a lot. I think thats why I didnt really turn to too many destructive habits (by the grace of God). I would say that in my sadness I had joy. I knew that he was with me. I tasted the rejection that Jesus felt for me. While I still loved her and wanted to marry her, I praised God that only he was God and he was the only one who could fully meet my need for love and acceptance. I would be ok without her if that was his plan.
I also had an amazing community of friends that listen to me and hung out with me. I planned lots of fun things to do with my new group of friends (It felt like I was dating them).
Over time the weight of my pain has disapated. I remember praying to God to take away my desire for her to come back. I just couldnt bear it anymore and it was eating at my soul. God has been very gracious with me.
I dont think I will ever be fully over her. I just think it will carry less and less weight. Especially when I meet someone new and get married. Its been 10 months now and I have been on a few dates with a few girls and Im excited for what God has for me.
I dont think we should aim to totaly eliminate risk in dating (but there are risks that arent worth taking). Just because we do things the right way doesnt mean it wont end in pain.
Its amazing how God can use any situation to bring us closer and reveal himself to us. He is near the brokenhearted.
16. Don said the following at 11:20 PM on May 23:
Unfortunately, I've never experienced break up that feels like divorce. I've never gotten to that point in a relationship...or any point really.
Although being a child of divorce I can sympathize, to a degree, with that type of pain that some of us may be feeling.
17. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 11:41 PM on May 23:
okay, I haven't actuallly listened to more then the Inbox this week, YET...I have to go off to Leadership training weekend at my church, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the INBOX question. I've been dealing with a very similiar situation. Friends with a guy, good Christian, intelligent, good job, good provider and we get along well...lately he's been more attentive, always around, lots of contact and the mere thought that he wants to pursue more makes me want to vomit a bit...please don't get me wrong...I'm not a shallow person, i'm simply not attracted to him even though I admire him.
It's a strange place to be...stuck in the middle...
this may sound immature but it's true and i've been wanting advice on this for a long time.
So thank you. thank you!!!!
18. Riley said the following at 4:37 AM on May 24:
Thanks Motte for explaining how to listen to the Boundless Show. I had tried to listen before but I thought it didn't work because I don't have itunes. But thanks to your help I can figure it out now, even if it's still a bit slow on dial up.
19. Riley said the following at 4:40 AM on May 24:
“Wow, we'd better listen to what this guy says because his pants match his jacket” tehehe
20. Leah said the following at 10:57 AM on May 24:
I haven't listened to the podcast, but I have read all the comments. Thank you so much to everyone who has shared the suffering they've experienced. I had grown incredibly close to someone, so much so that I do feel that I have given away my heart to someone I never even dated. I've cried more than ever before. I have argued with God. Ecclesiastes 3 has really comforted me, knowing that there is a time for everything and that God "has made everything beautiful in its time." I am waiting on Him to heal me. I know I made a mistake in giving so much of myself away. But guys need to realize that giving all the kindness in the world is still the marks of a jerk when you know the girl desperately desires your affection.
21. Sally said the following at 4:39 PM on May 24:
This is the first time I've ever commented on a Boundless post, but I found myself hurt and offended after listening to the Roundtable segment. I recently went through an unexpected breakup after a relationship of about 2.5 years, much of which was long-distance. The breakup has been very painful for me to deal with, and I've been struggling to put my life back together, much like the girl whose question was being addressed. I had hoped to find comfort and hope, but instead, I felt misjudged and condemned by the panel members. My boyfriend and I had been chaste. We had not been "drifting," but were seriously pursuing the possibility of marriage (I was overseas teaching English for much of the relationship, which made us unwilling to make any decisions one way or the other before I returned, as we didn't want to rush into things without enough time in person to determine our suitability). I don't fully understand why my boyfriend changed his mind, and this has been a struggle for me.
What bothered me about the Roundtable discussion was that the girl's question was never answered. Instead of giving her advice on what she should do now or hope for the future, the panel members dwelt on all the reasons they felt that people have painful breakups--and like the girl who posted in #14, I believe that seeking God's will doesn't make the breakup less painful. I also found it hurtful to hear that according to the panel members, I may never be able to love someone like this again. That's the last thing I need to hear from fellow Christians right now.
How is giving people no hope and assuming that they've made certain mistakes showing Jesus to them? I've been struggling with depression, and I was looking for hope and grace in this podcast. I didn't find it.
22. Matt said the following at 5:36 PM on May 24:
I think a good follow up to this question would be, how to be the guy pursuing the girl who has gone through the "break-up like divorce".
How is he sure he's not a rebound.
How can he go "slow" without stunting the growth of the relationship.
I appreciate a lot of the comments I read, especially "roundtable girl". It's good to know the whole story behind the podcast. While I did not have a four year relationship myself, I had a relationship, for almost a year, my junior year of Bible college that ended on a good note, but it took almost 2 years for both us to really move on from it. Culminating in last summer with me telling her that I don't think I can give her what she is looking for. Now she's dating a great guy and we are still friends. Although it can be rather awkward, I wouldn't change anything. I'm proud of it and know that God's got someone just for me and I treasure the integrity of our relationship. Even though it hurt I look back and really feel like we both honored God.
23. Andrea-Elena said the following at 8:42 PM on May 24:
Sally,
Though I agree with you that the Boundless roundtable folks didn't give a lot of advice about how to get over/move on/heal from a divorce-like breakup, I disagree with you about another point you made:
I also found it hurtful to hear that according to the panel members, I may never be able to love someone like this again.
I don't think that's what Candice and company were saying. I think they meant that people who suffer the kind of pain describe feel as if they might never be able to love someone so deeply again, not that loving deeply ever again is NOT possible. What was left out --- but certainly implied in Scripture --- is that God can heal any hurt, soften the top of any "scar," and restore one's ability to love. In fact, Edward T. Welch, in his book When People Are Big and God Is Small, states that our need is to love others, not be loved; thus, it is God's will that we love. So indeed He wants to restore our love-muscles to full strength!
One question is... will we cooperate? (Sometimes in the grief process we refuse to be comforted. I know this --- I went through a grief situation and refused to be comforted at various points and refused to let go of the friendship/relationship I had so desperately wanted from a particular guy but didn't receive. I mourned the death of a dream.)
Certainly those who grieve need God's comfort, not platitudes. And hugs and friends to cry with them. Respite that comes in the form of laughter, even. Crying out to God.
I pray for anyone who is grieving a death, a breakup, the end of a dream, the end of a marriage: comfort that comes daily, hourly, by every moment. And reminders of the joy that Christ is and gives... and of joy to be found in life... even joy in delighting in God's creation. My heart goes out to you, dear siblings. May you know by experience the deep love Christ has for you. And do not give up on loving others! That is what you were made for: to love. =)
24. BDB said the following at 8:43 PM on May 24:
Rarely to I get the chance to use the word "vomit" in a sentence, so I can't pass up the opportunity...
One thing that springs to mind is all those articles that encourage the guy to "just take the risk and ask. The worst thing that can happen is she says, 'no.'"
Well, apparently not. Apparently she might say no, THEN tell all the other women at church that the guy makes her feel like vomiting...
(SIGH) I guess he can change churches, right? If it's a big church, he could change to a different service and make someone feel like vomiting there...
25. BDB said the following at 8:51 PM on May 24:
For those seeking hope after loss, may I recommend the devotional Streams in the Desert or Elisabeth Elliot's The Path of Loneliness. Both take a frank and, in my view, scriptural look at what it means to continue trusting God after things have gone dreadfully wrong.
26. Roundtable Girl said the following at 9:36 PM on May 24:
Sally,
I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult break up. It sounds like our situations have some similarities, so I feel like I can identify with what you are going through.
I just want to say, hang in there, sista! Allow yourself to trust in the Lord and rely and your friends and loved ones for support. My mom and sister were wonderful when I was dealing with the fresh break up. Let them love you and help you heal!
A book that gave me hope and is helping me recover is, The Allure of Hope: God's Pursuit of a Woman's Heart by Jan Meyer. The author experienced a broken engagement herself and writes very honestly and candidly about how we can take care of our hearts and approach God in response to heartbreak and struggle.
It was a balm to my soul to read (and re-read) Jan's words of hope and it is helping me live my life in expectancy of restoration and renewal.
I will be praying for you:) God bless you.
27. Jaycee said the following at 10:05 PM on May 24:
This is my first post on Boundless as well. I just wanted to say that I completely with what Sally said. I am going through something very similar (after a 5.5 year relationship and engagement, which the panel speakers made seem like utter foolishness on my part. I do realize that it was foolish now to date for so long... but it doesn't diminish the pain I feel, nor should it trivialize it.) I had hoped for the girl's question to be answered, as it is a question I am seeking answers for. I am disappointed by the panel's response. My only hope continues to be to commit my ways to the Lord, and only His answers for me are sufficient.
For all others who are wrestling with the pain of a break-up, take heart. Through the pain and the tears, I have come to know the Lord our God more intimately than ever. For that, I am eternally grateful and I know that God is sovereign over everything, even your pain.
28. Kirsty said the following at 1:59 PM on May 25:
I haven't yet listened to the pod cast, but I am looking forward to it. I, along with so many others have had a painful breakup, it was a relationship that I had thought was heading for marriage. However, that wasn't the Lords plan. During that time I read an incredibly helpful book by Jerry Bridges - "Is God Really in Control". It is not specifically about relationships, but it is about the trials of life and Gods hand in all our situations. It was such an encouragement to me and a book I often refer back to.
29. Christina (in green) said the following at 2:13 PM on May 25:
Matt, in 22 -
To avoid being the "rebound", if you know she recently went through a break up (or had been in one in less than a year's time), if you ask her out and she says no, don't feel like its the end of the world.
And pray.
I don't know how it happened, but I did go through a divorce-like break up nearly 2 years ago. A month after the break up, I met my current boyfriend. He was always trying to get me to go do stuff with him and his friends. I just didn't feel like it. I was depressed...I felt like my world had ended. I had no idea he was interested and continued to be clueless until this past February. When somehow we finally DID get together (in April), there was a LOT of confidence that he was NOT a rebound because I had already dealt with the emotions of my previous break up. The evidence was my willingness to do things with other people - and enjoy his company =)
The thing he did that put him above the vast majority of people was that he waited for me. He didn't give up, went slowly, and coaxed me out into the open again - without my even being aware of his interest...so I had very little pressure on me =p
Every girl is different though...and I think God was behind every moment. So prayer is always the first thing you should do in such a situation.
30. Rachael said the following at 2:26 PM on May 25:
Leah (20),
You have a big heart. And you know, if a guy is being very kind to you and knows that you "like" him, remember that he might have a big heart, too -- remember the kindness displayed might not be "the marks of a jerk", even if it feels that way to you.
God will heal you. Neat that you're finding comfort in Ecclesiastes. Lots of nuggets in there. In fact, I'm planning to meet with a friend this summer to read through it individually and discuss it together. Looking forward to it.
Hang in there, Leah!
31. NeedACatchyName said the following at 7:48 PM on May 25:
I thought about responding to the comments on the podcast, but I haven't listened to the podcast, so I'm not going to be "that guy" who comments on something he hasn't listened to. I do however have one question: what exactly does Boundless mean by the term "emotional intimacy?" I've heard several definitions in the past, but I've never really read one that I think explained it well. Everything I've always read is really vague and always says something like "you just kind of have to trust your instinct and have a feel for what's appropriate and what's not," which honestly isn't helpful at all. Maybe the podcast covered this, and if so, I apologize in advance for the stupid question. :)
And...for those of who are not podcast-o-philes, is there any way that Boundless could consider an alternate content delivery mechanism in addition to the podcast? A typed transcript would be optimal, but I realize that's a fairly time consuming operation, and understandably probably not an option. But what about maybe a streaming option that didn't require you to download a file? If you didn't want to host it, you could even just upload a file to Youtube. I know that's a video site and not an audio site, but you could always just make a video that displays a static image of a Boundless logo or something with the audio playing behind it. That way we could easily just seek to the portions that we want to hear in our browser without having to download a file and load it into our player of choice.
32. Michelle W said the following at 11:21 PM on May 25:
Michelle (in the UK):
I'm in the exact same position where u mentioned ..."Friends with a guy, good Christian, intelligent, good job, good provider and we get along well...lately he's been more attentive, always around, lots of contact and the mere thought that he wants to pursue more makes me want to vomit a bit...please don't get me wrong...I'm not a shallow person, i'm simply not attracted to him even though I admire him."
I'm also feeling kinda lost so i'm really glad that there's actually a post to address this... yay! =)
33. Kelly said the following at 5:32 AM on May 26:
Do you ever truly get over a break-up? When you, as others have said, didn't KNOW that giving yourself away emotionally was just as dangerous/wrong as giving yourself away physically?
I wish churches would teach that!
For me, I spent a year depressed, and engaged in a lot of dangerous behaviour because I honestly didn't care if I died. (I have scars for life from some of the accidents!) Then I realised that I couldn't keep going on like this, so moved to the other side of the world to get away from him.
It's almost 5 years on now and unfortunately, my brain is still somewhat attuned to him. It's not that I deliberately think on him; we don't even speak these days, but if I see a picture, my heart skips a beat. That sort of thing.
I've had other boyfriends since then but nothing has ever resembled that depth of emotion. I try not to dwell on it but it's there.
I will end on a positive note, though, that God was with me through ALL of that and brought me so much closer to Him than I ever would have been, had I married that man.
34. Anna said the following at 7:42 AM on May 26:
I too have been going through a very heart wrenching breakup. It was intense, I Gave him all my heart and now feel like such a fool. He told me he definitely wanted to marry me...I trusted him and didn't believe he'd change his mind. The podcast was helpful in pinpointing the areas we went wrong (hmmm...ALL of them) and God has just been convicting me about that. But I just need some GOOD NEWS. I'm just really struggling with God about this, I know HE can forgive me. But what now? Will I EVER get this right and finally end up married...and get there in a God honoring way? And will a man ever be able to trust me and forgive me for my past and failures? Is there a way of laying this mess before another human's feet and hoping against hope that they would still want to marry me?
35. Chrissy said the following at 10:13 AM on May 26:
I've been fan of boundless and boundlessline and I have really enjoyed the segments on "The Boundless Show". However, there are a few things I find frustrating. I don't always agree with some of the comments and at times I think that the comments are insensitive.
For example...
I don't think that there is an "age expiration date" in terms of marriage.
I understand that dating should be purposeful and I understand that college is a great opportunity to find a spouse (in terms of the math). But that's not everyone's story
In fact my question would be (to the round table) what kind of advice would you give to those who are in their late twenties or thirties. I'm not sure that everyone who is an "older" single has been squandering all of their opportunities while they were younger.
In addition I agree with an earlier poster who felt that there was some insensitivity on this particular podcast. In the situation about the girl, in the break up that felt like a divorce, there was a comment that was made along the lines of [she may never be able to open up her heart again to anyone]. Maybe I misunderstood that comment, but where is the hope or the edification in that statement?
Breaks up may be painful and it may take a long time to heal, but people have been able to "move on" and have been able to have successful marriages after a painful break up.
Again, I understand that there is a desire to convey how serious dating can be, but sometimes the comments that are made on the show don't always seem to be edifying-especially to those who have made mistakes or are hurting.
36. BDB said the following at 8:33 PM on May 26:
Anna (#34) wrote:
>>Is there a way of laying this mess before another human's feet and hoping against hope that they would still want to marry me?<<
Yes.
Chances are, it will be someone who has been through enough that he has learned how to extend grace. An excerpt from the Streams in the Desert devotional, May 18, is relevant here:
Some people have a shallowness about them. With their superficial nature, they lightly take hold of a theory or a promise and then carelessly tell of their distrust of those who retreat from every trial. Yet a man or woman who has experienced great suffering will never do this. They are very tender and gentle, and understand what suffering really means. This is what Paul meant when he said, "Death is at work in us" (2 Cor. 4:12).
37. Patrick said the following at 3:47 AM on May 27:
Dave B (#15), your words ring so true to me right now, as I'm still going thru a recent breakup where my ex-gf broke up with me. We dated for roughly the same time as you did, too. And everything you've said you've experienced post-breakup I've experienced as well. Man, it hurts so bad. (And, even though it's been about three months since the breakup, I don't know if I've yet experienced the pain dissipating.)
As for the intimacy issues, well, we were pure physically, but at the same time, we did connect emotionally, etc. I think that's unavoidable to some extent though. Yeah, like you said, even in the purest relationships, even if we do everything "right," where we try to guard one another's hearts and so on, nevertheless when a breakup occurs, there's bound to be pain.
And, although I still miss my ex-gf a whole lot, and am struggling by God's grace to trust in him and move on, knowing that it's all for the best, what's hard on me (but prob shouldn't be, so maybe I'm struggling with my sinful nature on this one), is how relatively facile it was for her to move on, like it was a relief for her to break up with me.
She tries to be understanding when she's around me (although I've since moved away to a different state), but I can tell she wants me to just get over feeling down as soon as possible. In a sense, she wants me to be as relieved as she is. She said right after our breakup, isn't it great, we are both now free to seek God's will for our lives. We are both now free to move ahead with our lives in God (which for her is becoming a missionary) rather than to be focused on another and our relationship. Although, for me, I "thought" I was seeking God's will by seeking marriage with her -- which we'd always been upfront about with one another. (Not to mention I too was/am open to missions.)
Also, she once told me while she doesn't feel brokenhearted, she does feel guilty for breaking up with me, even though she believes it was the right thing for her to do, as if she were a villain or jerk. Of course, I don't want to cause her to feel like a villain or jerk, since she has no reason to feel this way, so I try my best to pretend as if everything is fine when I'm not around her. But, still, it's hard for my sadness not to seep through sometimes, and when it does, I can sense she feels a little bit exasperated with me for not being able to transition into friendship more quickly.
And she once told me she wants to see me focus more on "Christ, Christ, Christ" and less on "her, her, her" (where her = her real name). That's true and right. So I know she just wants me to trust in God, to focus on doing his will, and to move on, all of which again are right and which I too want. But for some reason it's just painful for me to have her as my ex-gf push me towards getting over her (as in, hurry up and get over me so you can focus on God and his will for you now), even though I know it's what I should be doing.
So, coupled with my (I think accurate) impression from her that she's more or less relieved that we're no longer together, it all breaks my heart even more.
38. Loris said the following at 7:26 AM on May 27:
I went through a horrible break-up in college. We were completely unsuited, but it was my first relationship and I was overwhelmed by my first taste of male attention. My dad made me break up with him and I'm grateful for that now, but at the time, it took me about a year to recover from the collision of emotion a breakup brings.
I was a rebound for my husband. He broke up with his girlfriend of 18 months and asked me out the next day. Six months later, we were married. Our first year of marriage was miserable for us both as he worked through the enormous changes he went through at the time: the breakup with her, our quick marriage, moving out, quitting college, working a full-time job, etc. It would have been better if we had waited to marry, but the Lord has moved us past that pain and we have a marvelous relationship now. For those of you who suspect that you're a rebound for your current admirer, remember that a rebound can win a game!
39. a Mom said the following at 9:28 AM on May 27:
Do you ever post transcripts of your show? I like to email some of your articles to people in our church youth group and would like to email excerpts from today's show also.
40. Valerie said the following at 10:08 AM on May 27:
Patrick,
Please don't beat yourself up over what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' be experiencing in your grief process. It's your time to heal--in your own time, pace, and way.
Also, something that I struggled with too, is comparing yourself with your ex. You are two different people with different moods and current life circumstances. Both of you will experience the ebb and flow of good times and bad. You'll experience these on an individual basis, so it's not fair to compare a time when she's feeling great to a time when you're down in the dumps.
Whether or not you see it first hand, your ex is likely having (or will have) her share of sad times too.
I'm glad to hear that the two of you have some geographic distance from each other; it'll allow some space to recup in your own time and own way.
Take care.
41. David Hermawan said the following at 12:34 PM on May 27:
it tooks me two years to accept the reality of my girlfriend rejection. After all, our relationship only last 10 months...but I think because I let her get into my mind, heart and soul...then it takes time...
but after a while, I always "think" that I still can not accept it. When i honestly seek my heart, I found out that deep inside my heart, I already let her go. It's like she's on my mind, but not in my heart anymore...
Honestly seeking my heart does reveal the true answer to my own mind confusion.
42. Matt said the following at 3:19 PM on May 27:
#29:Thanks for such a great reply! It was well worth reading! Patience is a great point and something I think many of us guys have trouble with. I mean it says exactly what you did right in Scripture: "Love is patient". hehe how quickly we seem to forget!
In regards to this whole topic I think this discussion has been extremely enlightening and I want to thank you all for such great and honest points. I do not know if I see exactly what everyone was saying down in the 20's about feeling condemned but I am not going to tell you how you should feel.
I just think the larger point is that guys need to commit and if you are going into a relationship that is going to take years before it goes somewhere (I hope this doesn't open pandoras box) then I think a lady in waiting should really call him to the carpet on it. There are a lot of us guys out there who are waiting and ready. Don't stick with the bum who won't promise you anything ;)
43. dave b said the following at 7:22 PM on May 27:
37 Patrick
Man I think you need to chill out a bit. Its hard to come to grips with but you and that girl are on different roads now experiencing different feelings and emotions at different times. Today you may be a wreck for a while and she may be doing great and it may be vice versa in the future when you move on.
I think you really need to reconsider how close you allow her to be in your life now that she doesnt want to date you. You dont owe her anything. She seems to want part of you and not all you and that can make things really painful. I had to almost totally cut my x off because I could not handle it and it just was destructive for me. One things about friendships is that they are always changing and will never be the same. Chances are after dating someone for that long and having those kinds of feelings for them you wont be able to have her as a close friend that you see frequently. Im not sure why you would want to anyway.
Pro 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
This is going to take some time to get over. Its ok that its hard. Its means that it really meant something to you. Your pain matters to God. Keep taking it to Him.
44. Shellyanne said the following at 7:46 PM on May 27:
This also is my first post on Boundless and I'm so grateful for all of these posts. There are so many versions of dating advice out there and this is such a blessing! I really identify with you Anna, my ex bf and told me that his intentions were to marry me and now he has decided that he couldn't commit to me. This has left me shocked with unbelief as he has been chasing me since I was 14! It was a long distance relationship for 4 years until I moved back to his state and started University. There are lots of factors that make this break-up hard. Physically and emotionally, we eventually wore all the walls down and our lives were built around the same group of friends. We spent so much time together. This makes healing so emotional because even though God is with me and is holding me through this, there is this vast emptiness of pure pain. Where there was once my best friend, there is nothing.
The relationship took a spin where I was shocked into a realization of how my sin grieved God and how I there WAS hope and Jesus Christ could enable me to live a full life without sin! It was exciting but when our relationship changed, for my bf, he didn't know how to put his feet in front of him. All the sudden nothing was enough and he needed years, he said, until he could think about marriage.
I don't know if anyone else feels the same, but loving someone so much makes it extra hard to be friends if you're the one who has been 'dropped'. As a woman you carry around a small hope that your ex will come to his senses and somehow you live as though this might happen.
I feel as though to thoroughly heal, I have to cut him out of my life completely because every time I see him and he doesn't exclaim his undying love and hope and faith for our future, it's a continual rejection of all that I am and all that I had hoped for.
I know that God is gracious and that He is faithful. But if there is one thing I could say to men following these years of false hope it would be that, please don't engage women's hearts and minds intentionally if you don't have upright intentions and are ready to be a godly leader and commit to the girl 100%.
45. Hanna said the following at 9:44 PM on May 27:
A verse I am often reminded of is Acts 17:28 - "For in Him we live, and move, and have our being ...". Is it not often the reason for our suffering that we live and move and have our being in another person?
For truly victorious living we have to trust God with and in everything, but sometimes we are just too afraid to trust Him for a marriage partner. Too afraid that He'll choose someone we don't like; or too afraid that it is not His will for us to marry.
When we begin making our own choices outside of His will, we set ourselves up for heartache.
It is His will for us to have life, and to have it in abundance. If we suffer because of what He is doing in our lives, then there is hope in it. But if we suffer because of having followed our own inclinations, desires, ideas, ... is it not time to take a long hard look at ourselves?
True healing from the heart-wrenching pain that comes after a break-up can only be found in Him. Often it will only come through repentance, always through trust and submission. But He is faithful and His grace is sufficient for each one of us.
46. Alejandra Amalia said the following at 4:47 PM on May 28:
Guys! I Praise the Lord and Thank Him so much for your show, it is refreshing to listen that we are not the only young adults in the whole planet that are experiencing similar issues. About the inbox comment (I cannot agree more) we are so influenced to think that in order to be involved in a relationship a mayor physical attraction should be in place or that our perfect man should be looking and have a set of things and a perfect woman should be like this with other set of things besides that gotta be Godly model looking girl; these set of things can be so deceiving. However, have we ever consider in giving up our own standards and look for our suitable Godly mate that God has for us and more important trust God that He knows us completely that he will not let us down. I just wonder if this is the problem that many singles face.