The Undervalued Virtue of Chastity
by Steve Watters on 05/16/2008 at 4:12 PM
Harrison Scott Key posted earlier this week over at World Magazine's blog about the difference between values and virtues:
The minister made a distinction between values and virtues. Values, he said, were subjective things, the kinds of things even Christians have been duped into embracing. We talk about values, your values, my values. It means nothing, except "that which I deem important."
Virtues, he said, were objective and timeless -- and terribly out of fashion. ...The seven virtues, written about by Prudentius in the 5th century A.D., are these: Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Kindness, Patience, Humility. Those aren't values, and they aren't subjective. They are timeless qualities that are appreciated and needed in every age and every culture.
His inclusion of chastity reminded me of a comment I heard last week that Christians who have heard much about abstinence don't always know as much about the larger concept of chastity that it's derived from. That comment came from Christopher West, a friend of Focus on the Family who briefed us recently on some of the rich insights on human sexuality from the Catholic tradition.
Christopher told us that he often hears people say, "You should be chaste until marriage." But that demonstrates a misunderstanding about chastity he explained. Chastity is bigger than abstinence. "When you understand what chastity actually is you know that you can't stop being chaste once you're married," he emphasized.
"In the western world, the term has become closely associated (and is often used interchangeably) with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage, due to the restriction of sexual relations to marriage deriving from the Ten Commandments," reads the Wikipedia entry on chastity. "However," it continues, "the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance."
"Chastity," Christopher West explains, "is first and foremost a great yes to the true meaning of sex, to the goodness of being created as male and female in the image of God. Chastity isn't repressive. It's totally liberating. It frees us from the tendency to use others for selfish gratification and enables us to love others as Christ loves us."
Am I the only Evangelical who heard more growing up about abstinence than about the overarching (and amplifying) virtue of chastity?
1. Patrick said the following at 5:27 PM on May 16:
Good point. Thanks!
A slightly related question, as Christians seeking godly spouses, do you think it's realistic to expect our potential spouses to be virgins in this day and age in our society?
And what if they weren't virgins? How we should this influence marriage potentiality? Or should it?
Just wondering out loud.
2. Marie said the following at 8:26 PM on May 16:
A response to the first comment...
As a christian woman who became a believer later in life... I would hope that godly men would not consider the sins of my past life as a deal breaker.
That said, I do believe that it is very important for a future spouse to be actively pursuing chastity in their current life. A person who is not living purely prior to marriage is more likely to not be able to remain pure after.
3. Phoebe said the following at 9:37 PM on May 16:
Ah, good old Christopher West! Not to go down the birth control trail here, but I encourage all readers to see what Mr. West has to say about that.
This makes me think I should call my purity ring a "chastity ring", making sure to explain what chastity really is. hmmm
4. Jessica said the following at 10:07 PM on May 16:
Really great point made. I am 20 yrs old and was always told to remain pure by my parents. But I will say, I never heard much about the word chastity-maybe because it'somewhat old fashioned-I'm not sure. Still,it's important for young people to understand it and its meaning.thanks again for the post!
Jessica
5. Holly (the single, non-parent one) said the following at 10:36 PM on May 16:
This post reminds me of the "True Love Waits" pledge that so many of us took in high school. It was a vow to remain sexually pure until the day we entered a Biblical marriage relationship. Doesn't that say that sex within a Biblical marriage is by necessity impure, since it will make you no longer sexually pure to have participated in it?? That bothered me endlessly. It gave major ammunition to all the people I knew in high school and college who said that Christianity was about sexual repression.
It still bothers me, in fact.
6. Rachael said the following at 11:19 PM on May 16:
Patrick,
In answer to your first question: Of course.
In answer to your second set of questions, has the person changed?
In answer to no one but a thought that came to me tonight when talking with people about relationships...I wonder if dating can kind-of be like brainwashing...or heartwashing. I've heard people can be brainwashed in relationships to become isolated/emotionally abused. But I think it can happen even if not to that extreme...it's kind-of scary to know that our hearts and minds can change and be influenced by what people say and do...
7. Cindi said the following at 12:15 AM on May 17:
In response to the first question…
For the longest time I hoped and expected that the man I married would be like myself a virgin. However I have had friends and even a counselor point out to me that at my age (32) meeting a guy that was a Christian, virgin with all the other characteristics that I would like in a spouse was unrealistic and that I would be eliminating a huge section of the population of possibly great guys. After thinking and praying about it I realized they might be right however there is still a limit to what I can mentally and physically accept and deal with. Mentally I cannot accept someone with a promiscuous past I just do not think I would be able to get past it. A situation where I met someone who had serious long term relationships that were physical in their teens and twenties before coming to the Lord and since they have become a Christian have not had sexual relations of any type and they have been a solid Christian for 6 or more years would be so much easier.
I do not say this to judge anyone, I know that in part the decisions I have made have been based on the decisions my parents made; they saw their siblings’ live immoral lives and through circumstances came to the Lord in their teens. Both were virgins when they married 35 years ago. Their choices to serve the Lord and that they raised their children in the church, very sheltered and protected and coming to the Lord themselves at an early age helped me to make the abstinence and chastity decisions that I did. So I do not judge anyone who has made different choices or had choices made for them; several of my Christian and non Christian girl friends have had their share of partners and I have no feelings of judgment or superiority towards them. It would just make me really uneasy and uncomfortable to have a husband with a lot of experience, I would forever be thinking about it.
8. Pearl said the following at 3:08 AM on May 17:
In answer to the question in the article: Am I the only Evangelical who heard more growing up about abstinence than about the overarching (and amplifying) virtue of chastity?
Nope. :)
To Marie ...
Both my previous boyfriends had previous sexual experience. I didn't hold it against either of them, especially as one of them in particular was a very committed Christian: there was no sexual involvement between us. As far as I'm concerned, when someone comes to Christ, their past is precisely that: the past. If someone is walking in righteousness right NOW, then their past is irrelevant (although I would expect an engaged Christian couple to be completely honest with each other about any previous experience). People like me, brought up in Christian families, are hardly immune from temptation either. ;)
I would fully expect any mature, godly man to be gracious and generous towards you, dear sister ... your past is forgiven and cleansed by Christ. :)
9. Riley said the following at 4:33 AM on May 17:
Precisely. Chastity is more than just sexual abstinence. My parents taught me that.
But still, they are disappointed for me that I say I don't expect my future spouse to be a virgin. Though it would be ideal (and I hope so), what are the chances in this day and age, really? I don't think you can hold someone's past against them (we shouldn't anyway).
I believe in grace, mercy and redemption. And with God's love we should be able show these to others. Although, I can't help wondering if it would be like being unequally yoked of a sort. I could forsee such a marriage to be fraught with unnecessary difficulties, but not to say it couldn't be done, just that you can expect from the outset that things will be harder.
10. Carrie (the original) said the following at 5:28 AM on May 17:
The comment by Harrison Scott Key echoes what my pastor talks about frequently: principles vs. methods. Many, if not all, people take their methods and make it the rule for everyone. In this case, the method (abstinence) is held up as a rule to follow, but there is no overarching principle other than the extremely abstract and clouded virtue of "purity".
I was first introduced to the "chaste" mindset in Lauren Winner's book "Real Sex". I read this about six months ago. Now, mind you, I have been striving for purity for quite some time. I have abstained from sex my whole life. However, being introduced to the concept that one needs to remain chaste once they are married really helped a lot. Before reading her book I think I thought of behavior in marriage as sort of an "holy impurity" - if that makes any sense at all (I'm really glad I read her book because it helped clear up some confusion on my end). I been introduced to many of the methods of chastity, but after reading this book it helped all of the pieces of the puzzle to fit together.
I think it's extremely difficult to talk about being "chaste" without being thought of as a prude. I know that when you are in Christ being chaste really means being free not to do many things. However, those on the outside just don't get it. Faith is impossible to explain.
11. Laurie said the following at 6:06 AM on May 17:
Also a response to number 1:
I don't know if it's a question of what's real and what's not. I have many friends who became Christians later (after having sex) or had sex with those they dated despite knowing that it did not glorify God. These are all amazing, Christian women who would make good wives.
If these women realize that this does not glorify God, and have made changes in their lives, I personally do not think it makes them less marriagable.
A few years before marriage, my husband used to use alcohol and sex to deal with issues. However, that is a part of his life that has been redeemed. When we got married, he this was not a struggle of his, and our waiting to have sex until WE were married was a part of the redemption of this. I think it's a personal decision. If this is a past sin, is sexual sin worse than that which you have dealt with? Can you decide to forgive them, show them grace, and not rub it in their face or worry that they are comparing you?
Lastly, I think it's important that individuals who had sex with someone who also was not a virgin or engaged in other risky behaviours have an HIV test, a gonorrhea/clamidia test, and a syphillis test at some point. It's probably best to ask your doctor which tests to do. Trichomonas is also very prevalent. I think it's a personal decision whether untreatable STDs should be deal breaker's, but it's good to know either way. And it's probably best to wait with
12. Laurie said the following at 6:23 AM on May 17:
That last post was long, here's a summary:
It's unlikely you'll know about her sexual history when you meet her. When you find out, I think you should think about the character, relationship with God, and other important marriage qualities that you have seen.
Also, what was the context? Was she sleeping around a week before you met her, or was it in the past/before she was a Christian/ happen once with an ex-fiance, etc? A woman would probably be less worried about you looking at pornography once 7 years ago than habitiually looking at it last week.
Finally, pray, pray, pray. Figure it out in your head. Did you think she would be a great wife before you found out that she wasn't a virgin? I dated a guy before my present husband that did the whole sex/drugs thing before he was a Christian, and I prayed a lot about the situation. Personally, I came to the fact that everyone who is in Christ was a new creation. However, if the guy showed red flags from past lifestyle, then he may not have been good husband material... He evidenced an inability to work through conflict (more likely stemming from a incredibly difficult home life).
It was cool how God worked, I had already worked through my thoughts on the subject with my ex-boyfriend before my now husband came along. He also had a sex/drugs/alcohol past, but currently,he showed an understanding that it was wrong, an evidence of change, and he had the other marriage things in place (not that he's perfect).
I think it's important to focus on the issues of character, integrity, relationship with God, honesty, communication, etc. Then pray about past sexual sins. Is this an area where you should just show grace? Or do you come to another conclusion. Did the new knowledge change the woman you were thinking of marrying, or just your perception about her?
13. Christina (in green) said the following at 11:40 AM on May 17:
Patrick,
Biblically speaking, only one group of people was forbidden from marrying anyone but virgins - and it was ONLY the High Priest (Deuteronomy...I searched everywhere for something on this).
=p
Adultery is a sin. Unlike lying (which is also a sin), the first time, you lose something you can't ever get back.
I wrote a blog about this one time...and here's my view on it. Virginity isn't as highly prized as the heart. WHY would God put such a high value on something that can be lost in a second and never be redeemed? Our hearts, though, can be redeemed. So regardless of VIRGINITY, you should be seeking someone with a redeemed heart...and leading a chaste life now...regardless of their past.
14. Bethany D. said the following at 12:04 PM on May 17:
Thanks for bringing this up! I come from a stodgy Protestant church background, and I think the handful of times I heard the word "chastity" mentioned it was as a synonym for women's abstinence- until- marriage. Now I would like to learn more about the virtue of chastity; would you have any books to recommend on it?
15. Courtney P. said the following at 3:07 PM on May 17:
A responsed to the 1st comment. Being saved at a young(1st a huge blessing thanks be unto God)as I was, saving myself for marriage has always been apart of my life. Even in this day and time, God's Word has not and will not change. So expecting professing Christians to be virgins is not a far fetched. God commands holiness of us and thats what he should get.
Second questions if you have fallen into premartial-sex or was saved after having sex, and now you have becomed saved and asked for forgivness. God sees you as no differnet then one who is a virgin. We as Christians should not hold people past against them because we all have sin and come short of the glory of God.PS being a virgin and living a life of purity are two differnet things, I encourage that we all live lives of purity in our bodys, souls and spirit.
Just some thoughts....
16. Rachel S said the following at 8:18 PM on May 17:
"Am I the only Evangelical who heard more growing up about abstinence than about the overarching (and amplifying) virtue of chastity?"
Absolutely not. I never really understood the difference until I was in college reading 'pagan' Latin texts. These texts often praise the feminine virtue of "pudor" which can be translated variously as "sense of shame", "honor", "modesty" and, of course, "chastity." "Pudor" actually sometimes applied *more* to married women than to unmarried women. However, unlike Christianity, it did not apply to men as well, which is perhaps why it is a more "liberating" concept in the Christian tradition.
17. Marc said the following at 3:10 AM on May 18:
Too bad there are many people I know of who believe that chastity in its truest form is "too old-fashioned".
18. Colette said the following at 2:47 PM on May 18:
Great post!
I was blessed to be able to attend a Christopher West workshop earlier this year...it definitely rocked some of my assumptions about this subject.
My mom attended as well and said she wished she had heard these concepts about 30 years ago.
19. Kristina said the following at 9:22 PM on May 18:
I agree with Steve -- far too often, the message from the pulpit or the youth minister is abstinence. Don't have sex. Case closed. Yes, this is a delicate/embarrassing subject to some. However, if given the choice, wouldn't parents prefer explaining how a person can sin sexually without losing her virginity rather than their daughter having to deal with the emotional/psychological/spiritual/physical consequences of sexual immorality that she honestly didn't know was sinful because she'd never been exposed to it before her boyfriend initiated it?
I strongly believe that it is necessary for Christians to split their youth into same-gender groups and explain how saving oneself for marriage involves sexual, mental, spiritual, and emotional chastity. Speaking from personal experience, if I had received this type of godly instruction, I could have been saved a lot of guilt, heartbreak, and devastation -- my naiveté on the subject led to my downfall in the hands of a guy I trusted.
For ladies, I strongly recommend Dannah Gresh's "And the Bride Wore White: The Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity." Along with Boundless articles, it helped me to gain a clear picture of God's plan for sexuality, relationships, and marriage -- information that is sorely lacking in the church.
20. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 4:28 AM on May 19:
My mum always said she's going to write a book entitled, "how to raise a virgin" (i'm going to go under witness protection ;) Jokes!)
The reason she wants to write it is simply because so many people cannot believe that she has a 25 year old daughter who won't just give it up...but when I read this blog above something clicked...maybe she doesn't need to write an ENTIRE book...
Webster: 1 : the quality or state of being chaste as a : abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse c : purity in conduct and intention 2 : personal integrity Program: Responsibility for my actions Harnessing the sex drive to serve the beloved, the family, our peers, the community. ...
www.soliveanew.com/glossary/146
In as much as this definition speaks of being chaste and others much like it I would agree...but should we not also look at what the bible says...Paul prays for the Believers in Philippi (sp?) "9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."
We are to be pure in all things until the days of Christ...ie...purity, is really a heart attitude, in all things, outside or inside the confines of matrimony, we're called to be pure...to glorify God...
The emphasis on abstinence rather than chastity, an emphasis on the "do not" rather than a heart attitude, is an emphasis, I think, on religion, not on a personal relationship with God.
A far stronger argument against not having sex is a personal faith, a commitment to honour God then a "religions says no"...
So, that's maybe just the way my mother (and father) raised a virgin...they taught me that God was my personal saviour and I was raised in an environment that there was not a load of "no, no, no" but a frank and continual relationship with my Holy Father.
21. Maria said the following at 4:54 AM on May 19:
Re: the second comment...
I just got married and experience a lot of struggle with issues that stem from past relationships, mine and my spouse's. Those don't have to be deal breakers but just to warn you, they will be an issue until you address them.
I suggest before getting married to renounce what you have given away, take back what is yours and give back what you have taken from other partners. Cut all your soul-ties because your future spouse deserves a whole you. Seal your past with the blood of Jesus... He can make us new again.
22. single certain girl said the following at 7:54 AM on May 19:
i grew up hearing a lot about abstinence, from my mother and from the church. but no, i didn't hear much about chastity, and it wasn't really until recently (the last year or two) that i really understood and embraced the concept.
i'm 29 years old, and am still a virgin. unfortunately because of the focus on abstinence and not chastity, i can't claim anything more than being a virgin. however, i've learned from my mistakes and now take a much more proactive role in guarding my heart and my body. i now know there are consequences to sexual sins not including intercourse.
marie (#2), i think you hit it right on; whoever i date needs to be actively pursuing chastity right now in their every day life. as long as they've dealt with and learned from past mistakes, then cool. god has forgiven and wiped the slate clean, so then i can too.
23. Diane said the following at 7:59 AM on May 19:
Regarding comment 1--- I think you hit it with "active" pursuit of chastity. I married as a virgin, to someone with a past indiscretion in their history. However, it was one act, not a lifestyle; and he demonstrated remorse, repentance, and sorrow over his sin, when he had to tell me about it, prior to our marriage. That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to let go of that knowledge and not compare or have niggling doubts that it could happen again, since he was a Christian already when it happened before.
I know God calls on us to forgive (not necessarily forget), but to choose not to bring it up again. I continue to have occasional times of real hurt and feelings of betrayal and fear for the future, even though my husband gives me no reason to doubt him. Any suggestions for healing or letting go of the pain that's still present in my heart?
24. Khalil said the following at 9:44 AM on May 19:
In response to #7, I will turn 31 this summer and am still a virgin. There were moments when I was tempted greatly, but I am quite happy where I am at and that I was able to avoid what was available. Will I ever get married? In the big picture I tend to think that I am a bachelor for life and doubt I will ever marry.
Should I get married I don't expect my spouse to be a virgin, though it would be nice. The heart, as one poster put it, is much more important than something that can be lost in a fleeting moment. Her heart and relationship with God are more important to me than virginity, though the baggage and past experiences she might still be carrying are a bit intimidating.
25. Tami said the following at 10:03 AM on May 19:
Bethany D (14) -- Lauren Winner's Real Sex is about chastity. She discusses it as a spiritual discipline -- meaning, it's something for ALL of us to practice, not just the unmarried folks.
26. PLH said the following at 10:10 AM on May 19:
I definitely agree that a greater emphasis should be placed on chastity rather than abstinence in Protestant Churches. It's interesting that Christopher West (whose books are excellent) is Catholic. It seems the Catholic Church has a much more exclusive message about sexuality that deserve careful thought by Protestants serious about having a more comprehensive view of sexuality.
27. brx said the following at 12:59 PM on May 19:
I'm glad some people mentioned Lauren Winner (#10, #14).
The subtitle might be helpful:
"Real Sex; The Naked Truth About Chastity."
There's often a feeling of separation between married people and single people - even in the church. Lauren however, asserts that a single person practicing chastity has more in common with a healthily married person than with the single, sex-in-the-city types desperately seeking marriage.
God's design for community is also a strong topic with Lauren Winner and one of the reasons I really enjoy her writings. Might I suggest that a book discussion group around Winner's "Real Sex;" is a great way to build encouraging relationships between single and married people in a church (how I learned of her book).
Grace, peace & adventure!
28. BDB said the following at 3:01 PM on May 19:
Marie (#2) wrote:
>>As a christian woman who became a believer later in life... I would hope that godly men would not consider the sins of my past life as a deal breaker.<<
This is an important question. The first thing that comes to mind is that you will marry a sinner...there simply isn't anything else available to marry.
When this question popped into my head during a devotional time some years ago, I didn't have a ready answer. I dug through the Bible and basically decided that what was most important was evidence of sincere repentance - which is often preceded by deep struggle and finally someone accepts God's commands.
Since this exact question popped into my head during a devotional time, I'm kind of assuming that God was giving me time to prepare to face this question. Indeed, there's been a couple of times when people unexpectedly blurted out things about their past and we ended up having the conversation about what repentance looks like.
There are other things to consider. I've heard the phrase, "Would you rather be right, or be married?" It's usually used in the context of a sermon on communication in marriage.
My response is typically, "Well, are we talking about window coverings or tax evasion?"
And then I met someone who was paid under the table as a nanny. Oh boy. That's a felony for the employers who falsified their tax return - and there's no statute of limitations, so she was putting her future husband and family at risk of it being discovered by the IRS someday.
It's not a surprise to me that this person was facing tremendous career difficulty - and finding that God was not answering their prayers. God tends to turn up the heat when we refuse to obey. I would counsel someone in that situation to repent and make restitution - file their back tax returns and pay their back taxes.
Does it make sense to ask for God's guidance for the future if we are not obeying what he has given us to do today?
29. Bene said the following at 4:56 PM on May 19:
I third the comments about Real Sex. While I certainly heard abstinence talked about more than chastity, some people did try to make the point that the term "chaste" is positive while "abstinence" always has a negative connotation of giving something up.
As for the larger concept of chastity and remaining chaste after marriage, I must say that this is what gave me hope for godly sex. The Christian subculture which promotes the "be chaste until marriage" idea doesn't come anywhere close enough to the Truth. I have heard "don't lust after anyone other than your wife" so many times. But if there is anyone who should *not* lust after a woman, it should be her husband who is called to love her as Christ loved the Church! It would be far better if Christians stopped thinking that men should not view their wives as women!;-)(how else can you explain the fact that they don't think Christ's command applies to married men?)
All this to say, thank you so very much for posting this. I assume that comment #3 was sarcastic, but I'm inclined to dare people to actually consider West's fullest arguments.
30. Niki said the following at 8:08 PM on May 19:
In response to question #1, and to validate other posts in relation to it, if your partner has had sexual relationships prior to marrying, it does not have to be a 'deal-breaker'. I always envisioned myself marrying a virgin, and worked hard to keep myself one as well. BUT, God sent me a wonderful man who had had past indiscretions, and, like has been already said, choices we made in our relationship prior to marriage helped to 'redeem' that past lifestyle, obviously with God's grace playing a big part. Not to say it was easy, not to say there haven't been, and won't continue to be repurcussions as a result of his choices while living away from God, but God is bigger, and longs to redeem us, and can bring so much good out of hurt, and our own bad choices. He is so good!
31. Marie said the following at 10:15 PM on May 19:
So, I've been thinking long and hard about this over the last few days and thought I would share some more thoughts.
Long before I lost my virginity, I lost my chastity. Both were things that I wish I could get back. I know that God can redeem anything... but those of you who spoke of baggage spoke truth. God allows us most of the time to deal with the consequences of our sin.
I could go around pretending to "not get it" when people talk about sexual things, or crack dirty jokes. I know people that are blissfully ignorant and I want that.
I agree that the church needs to get on board with promoting chastity, and do it from the youngest ages. The kids today are exposed to sex well before we think. (If not sex itself, then things that later in life will be linked with it IE suggestive clothing).
Purity is something that you have to protect. Once it's gone, you can't get it back.
32. Sophie said the following at 12:26 AM on May 20:
I am 24 years old and I am proud to say I have lived a chaste life (so far)...and I pray that God will keep me to the end. I am happy that Steve has started this discussion because it encourages me to know that there are other who a considering and living 'this old fashion' way of life. From a young age i decided that i did not want only to be a virgin when i get married but to live a life that is pure and that i am not ashamed off. Daily i face the opposition from friend who don't understand why I choose to guard my heart, conversations and actions (even fellow Christians). But I am glad that others understand.
33. Jo said the following at 7:53 AM on May 20:
This is to answer #1. All my life I desired to marry a virgin and guess what? I did! My husband was 27 when I married him and we were both pure. I was 24 when we married. Let me just tell you I am sooo glad that I married a virgin! I believe that if that's a desire in your heart then God will fullfil it. We must keep our faith that even in this day and age of morale decay in our country there are still those that save themselves. My one friend did marry a man that had slept with one girl and she was able to get over it before she made the decision to marry him. I believe that it's up to the individual to what they can beleive God for. I believed God for my pure spouse. It's wonderful to enjoy something that God had orignally set up. I am thankful for His faithfulness to me and keeping me through my teenage and young adult years. All the Glory and Praise goes to Him.
34. Viridine said the following at 9:28 AM on May 20:
Re: comment #5 by Holly
"This post reminds me of the "True Love Waits" pledge that so many of us took in high school. It was a vow to remain sexually pure until the day we entered a Biblical marriage relationship. Doesn't that say that sex within a Biblical marriage is by necessity impure, since it will make you no longer sexually pure to have participated in it?? That bothered me endlessly. It gave major ammunition to all the people I knew in high school and college who said that Christianity was about sexual repression.
It still bothers me, in fact."
Holly, please be reassured. Sexual purity does not end with entrance to a Godly christian marriage. Rather, it continues! The sex between a husband and wife who have wholly committed themselves before God in marriage IS pure sex, as God intended. It is a true coming together, not just of bodies, but minds and souls, their whole being. This is what God was talking about when he said "Become one flesh."
Christianity is not about sexual repression, among many other things it tells us about proper sexual expression, which is between a wife and husband. Properly expressed, sex is a blessing to a couple and enhances their physical, emotional, and mental health. Improperly expressed, it has destructive effects. Don't let anyone tell you that it doesn't.
I hope this helps :)
35. Elizabeth said the following at 8:34 PM on May 20:
I like the distinction between virtues and values. One of my high school classes effectively dismantled the concept of "ethics" by equating it with "values" and then with "what you consider most important." Ironically, the teacher then went on to tell us that using club money to get a friend out of trouble was unethical, even if we "valued" the friendship more than the club.
In answer to the first comment: No! It is not unreasonable to expect people to remain virgins in today's society. I kind of resent the common view that youth today completely reject traditional morality. However, I think a person who is not a virgin but has since committed their life to Christ is, as people have said, a new creation, so the past sin should not be a barrier to marriage.
36. Lucy said the following at 10:40 AM on May 21:
Re: comment #5
I agree with you completely. We spend so much time telling people to be "chaste until marriage," thus implying that married couples are not chaste.
We should encourage our children to be chaste throughout their entire lives, and practice the kind of chastity fitting to their state in life, whether that is abstinence, celibacy, or conjugal chastity.
37. Bethany D. said the following at 11:20 AM on May 21:
Thanks Tami (25)!
38. Mike Theemling said the following at 8:16 PM on May 21:
Getting into this discussion late, but a T-shirt I saw at the gym today does indeed point out the difference between simple abstainence and chastity.
The T-shirt was from a virgin pledge event and it read, "My word not to go past third (base)".
The T-shirt illustrates that part of the problem is probably is too much focus on just abstainence. In the above example, would it be OK from a Christian standpoint to just stay at 3rd base while in a relationship (Most assume it to be some kind of light-heavy petting)?
One major problem is that our physical and hormonal development does not match up with our expected time for marriage. The male sex drive peaks from around 16-18. Female fertility peaks from the late teens until mid 20's. Yet marriages are happening, even encouraged by the church at times, to occur much, much later. It's no wonder that even many "Christian" teens are sexually active.
Another problem is of course societal attitudes and expectations. And it affects us even at a subconscious level. Asking the person on the street, "What kind of people exhibit chastity?" will most likely garner personna who are viewed with mild condescension: Social inepts with no life, people with psychological disorders, priests/nuns (who are sometimes viewed with pity or cynicism as those who chose that calling because could never find someone), etc. I daresay that "chastity" as well as "abstainence" are not positive words in our culture.
Personally, I don't really buy the "chastity is liberating" line. The fact is living a chaste life is restrictive. You have to often guard your thoughts, eyes, and actions. It doesn't allow for "test driving", and once married, you are to cleave to that person only.
Rather I'd say chastity is a spirtual discipline. And sometimes I theorize that it may be (at least for men) a motivator for us to rely upon God and not give in to our sinful desires. And if praticing chastity, even the struggle towards it, would bring us closer to God, then that would be an angle much more effective than mere abstainence.
39. Lucy said the following at 10:49 AM on May 22:
Re: post 38
Mike said, "Personally, I don't really buy the "chastity is liberating" line. The fact is living a chaste life is restrictive. You have to often guard your thoughts, eyes, and actions. It doesn't allow for "test driving", and once married, you are to cleave to that person only."
There are two ways to look at the "chastity is liberating" line.
One is, yes, chastity is a spiritual discipline that does demand constant sacrifice from us.
The other is in the spirit of Flannery O'Conner (a Catholic writer in the early 20th century). She said, "The Catholic novelist believes that you destroy your freedom by sin; the modern reader believes, I think, that you gain it in that way. There is not much possibility of understanding between the two."
So yes, chastity is restrictive in the sense that it is a spiritual discipline that requires constant sacrifice on our part, and requires us to act in accordance to God's commandments rather than our own desires. But chastity is also liberating in that it frees us from the slavery of sin, because in sin, there is no freedom. Also, discipline is not the enemy of freedom. A concert pianist has the freedom to play whatever music he wants because he has submitted himself to the discipline of daily practice.
40. Abrielle said the following at 7:19 PM on May 22:
"This post reminds me of the "True Love Waits" pledge that so many of us took in high school. It was a vow to remain sexually pure until the day we entered a Biblical marriage relationship. Doesn't that say that sex within a Biblical marriage is by necessity impure, since it will make you no longer sexually pure to have participated in it??"
This is an interesting point! I never thought about it from that angle.
Sex itself is not what is impure. It is a beautiful and miraculous gift. It is the context in which it is enjoyed that can be harmful.
41. Felix Obi said the following at 7:55 AM on May 26:
I am a 36yrs old single male Christian in Nigeria ( West Africa)and has remained a virgin technically speaking...as there were times I let down my guard and got involved physically like kissing and light petting with female christian friends. At those occasions, I lost my sense of peace thus reinforcing my belief that purity and chastity are more of an issue of the heart, and not just crossing physical boundaries alone.
I know it might be 'tough' marrying a non-virgin but I have also learnt to not judge others and realise that Christ is the best example of chastity and we might not all do it by our own power...alone. Chastity goes deeper than technical virginity and that's what I tried to highlight in an earlier article on this link : http://www.nigeriansinamerica.com/articles/2597/1/Now-36-Years-Old-Am-I-The-Last-Nigerian-Virgin/Page1.html
My desire is to be faithful in my thoughts and actions...so as to keep my allegiance to Christ, being culturally relevant and contemporary without having to compromise those time-tested values like Chastity.
42. Ryan said the following at 3:02 PM on Aug 22:
I feel blessed with the depth of this blog, community, and communication on this topic.
By the Power and Fear of God, good teaching, family, and a few good women. I have been able to be waiting until marriage to share in Gods greatest gift to man/woman in the deepest, truest, and most passionate form of spiritual, emotional and physical union. God gave me a song named chastity to encourage me and to share with others. I am 33 years old, and one older married one said I am quite a catch, and another older married woman said I'm a renaissance man. Yes, seek intergenerational fellowship :) the whole family of church. God created us uniquely and for purpose. Psalm 139 :), and grew us in faith life with virtues to Glorify Him. As you all have increased my faith, my your faith be also increased. Ryan