Private Journal No Longer Private?
by
Ted Slater
on May 5, 2008 at 12:17 PM
We received an e-mail this morning from a young woman who's been married for just under a year. Here's an excerpt (edited slightly for brevity):
Not too long ago I walked into our bedroom and found my husband reading my journal. Now, I'd never told him not to read it. I'd never told him it was off limits to all eyes but mine. I'd never told him how I felt about my journal -- because in the home that I grew up in, journals were sacred. It was a spoken rule in my parents home that a journal is totally, completely, entirely private.
And I've enjoyed that privacy between the pages of my journal for the last decade. During the ugliness of the aftermath of my parents divorce (i.e., court battles, custody arguments), my journal was my best friend. During the awkward time of my adolescence, my journal was a place of refuge. My journal has been a place I go to write when I am angry or frustrated or disappointed; when I am grateful or feeling distant from God.
For me, writing is therapeutic. And in my married relationship, it has been a "friend" for me to turn to when I am frustrated in order to sort out my feelings of anger before I react, so I can calmly approach my husband with kind words in times of conflict (and avoid situations where gossip or bias might arise if I were to verbally voice my frustrations to another person). In short, my journal has been my good friend for all these years.
After I found him reading my "sacred" musings, I was hurt. I felt violated. We talked about the situation -- or at least tried to. But because of his background and because he feels that it would be fine for me to read his journal (if he had one), he doesn't understand why I am so upset about the whole ordeal.
I've told my wife that nothing is private with me any more. She's free to rummage through my computer and read old e-mails, free to dig through boxes of stuff I've collected during my single years, free to open my mail, free to tell her friends whatever she wants about me, and so on. If she discovers anything that she has questions about, I see it as an opportunity to be more transparent with each other, for her to get insights into who I am and who I've been.
That said, I do understand this woman's desire to keep some of her thoughts private. She admits that she uses her journal to work through things before "going public" with them. And I think that's a legitimate use of a private journal.
So, though ideally (in my opinion) there'd be nothing entirely private between a husband and a wife, I think it's fair for this woman to ask her husband to not look at her private journal. And her husband should respect such a request. Perhaps in time she'll be open to opening its pages to him; in the meantime, he should trust that her request is being made out of good motives, and not out of a disrespectful desire to keep something from him.
That said, I'd love to hear what you think. Is it OK for some things to remain secret even within marriage? Should you allow your spouse to keep some things private, and not take offense that they're "keeping" certain things from you?
1. Nicole had the following to say on May 5 at 12:40 PM:
I don't believe in secrets, however privacy isn't always a bad thing. I would hope that my husband wouldn't tell me every single thought he thinks about me. I am sure at times there are some thoughts that are much better left unspoken! In a way, a journal is a record of thoughts and I would respect a spouses wishes to not divulge them to me. Even if you don't have anything to hide, most people still need a little privacy in their lives.
2. Margaret had the following to say on May 5 at 12:41 PM:
I grew up in a house very much like the one this woman describes. My parents always told me that anything I wrote was mine, and they would never read it. I remember once in high school I had written out my frustrations with having to move again (my dad is in the military), and brought my mom my journal to read that entry, because there were things there that I wanted her to see but couldn't actually say them directly to her-- she asked me at least twice if I was really sure I wanted her to read it before she actually did.
I'm not married, but I think that having an appropriate and private outlet to vent the good, bad, and ugly is a huge benefit to a marriage. Men and women process things differently, and I know there are plenty of times when I need a way to "talk" out a response to a situation before I actually confront the problem. Doing so in private writing lets me go through the stages without inadvertently hurting someone else in the process.
3. Louise had the following to say on May 5 at 12:45 PM:
I have heard that some people consider one's spouse exempt from the phrase "I promise I won't tell anyone what you have told me".
In other words, if you "swear" a friend to secrecy and the friend reveals what you have told him/her to his/her spouse, this does constitute a betrayed confidence.
What does everyone think of the above idea?
IMO, it is betraying a confidence.
4. Elizabeth had the following to say on May 5 at 12:48 PM:
I have gotten married recently - very recently - and am still seeing married life through rose colored glasses, so my comment may seem a bit biased. But, since my marriage is still so young, I can feel where this woman is coming from. I am a very firm believer in complete transparency between a husband and wife, and my husband has done the same thing you have done; he has given me total freedom to all of him and his private things. I have not quite gotten to the point where I can do the same for him. I want to. I want very much to do so, but I am not there yet.
My journals are a very raw place. Lord willing, I will soon be able to be vulnerable enough to allow him to see it all, but it is not now. Shoot, I am just getting used to the idea of him seeing all of me!
I can sympathize with needing a place to hash things out before God before bringing them out for my "other half" to share in, but I am working toward a place where this dearest person in the world to me can work through all the rawness with me, coming with me before our Father, standing as my head, supporting me, loving me.
Soon.
5. Adam T. had the following to say on May 5 at 12:48 PM:
Is it OK for some things to remain secret even within marriage?
That's a great question, and I'd need to think on it. My head says that ideally in a marriage there should be complete transparency, but my heart says I have things that I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing even with a wife, at least not for a long, very long time.
Question: how many women journal? It seems an awful lot of Christian women do. Way more than I would've thought.
6. Ryan had the following to say on May 5 at 12:52 PM:
It may be a case by case basis... the goal of marriage being "two becoming one," I find it a bit difficult to rationalize the use of a journal the way this woman indicates. She calls it her friend, a place she goes to to sort out things, put her feelings on paper, etc. Is that not what prayer and God are for?
From how she describes it (I COULD BE WRONG) it seems awefully like she feels more free to be more intmiate with a book of musings than she does with her husband, God, and other avenues.
That's how I perceived her letter.
7. Julie Doolittle had the following to say on May 5 at 1:01 PM:
Secrets are not for marriage. I do, of course, understand the woman not wanting her husband to read her journal mainly because some things can be misconstrued and misunderstood. I have seen secrets exposed in a marriage and the destruction of said marriage due to lack of trust. I feel that, as the Bible states, in marriage the two become one flesh and there should be safety in that union, safety of expression and acceptance.
8. paige had the following to say on May 5 at 1:01 PM:
I'm not married, and probably don't have that many constructive thoughts to offer, but am definitely interested in this topic. I have been an avid journal-writer for most of my life, and have always wondered what I will do with all of those journals when I am married. I certainly have written some things over the years that I never want anyone to read (!) - nothing bad, just private and personal thoughts, musings, etc. (I'm very much someone who thinks through things by writing them out) ... but I've always wondered, when I get married, does that mean I have to share all that with my husband?
So I'm curious to hear what others have to say ...
9. Christina (in green) had the following to say on May 5 at 1:16 PM:
From what I understand in any kind of relationship, exhibiting some control over emotions is important. I think Dr. Dobson wrote once that emotions aren't the sin, but sometimes we can sin in our response to those emotions.
I struggle to maintain a balance between emotion and proper responses to those emotions - including appropriate ways to communicate what is going on in my heart. I don't think that those boundaries of exhibiting self control should be nixxed within a marriage. If this woman struggles with controlling her emotions prior to writing out her frustrations on paper where her musings are between her and God (where they would be if she silently voiced her feelings without writing), then I think its ok for her to keep that private.
If I were her, I would have been open about the KIND of thing that goes into the journal - first responses and such...or that the journal's purpose is so that she can gain some initial perspective before reacting to certain emotions. But I don't think the details should ever NEED to be shared with her husband.
10. Read had the following to say on May 5 at 1:18 PM:
I know for me when I was contemplating ending my engagement I used my journal to think out aloud about the problems I was encountering. Had my then fiancee seen that it would have caused a hail storm of problems before either of us were ready to deal with them. In the end what I had written helped become a catalyst for premarital counseling and individual counseling for both of us. I did wind up breaking the engagement, but for much more sounder reasons that what I had journaled about.
Think about this. When you go see a therapist you have expectation of confidentiality. If your journal is serving the same role, then shouldn't you have an expectation of privacy there also?
11. J. had the following to say on May 5 at 1:18 PM:
I am all for honesty, trust, and communication within marriage, but at the same time I don't believe husbands and wives are obligated to talk about everything. Several years ago, I discussed a distressing thing that was going on in my life with an (almost) married friend and asked her to keep it confidential (i.e., to not share it with *anyone*). A short time later, she casually mentioned she had told her boyfriend. When I (nicely) pointed out that I had asked her to keep a confidence, her excuse was, "We tell each other everything." Mind you, what I had confided to my friend had absolutely nothing to do with their relationship. From that point on, I had to make sure that everything I told my friend was safe for the other ears. I keep confidences as a single woman, and I don't plan to change that when I get married.
The e-mail writer mentioned she liked to journal in part because it was a way for her to avoid gossip, something which husbands and wives are not immune from. Perhaps she works through helping friends and family with their personal problems in this way and therefore wants her journal to be private and hers alone.
12. kaj had the following to say on May 5 at 1:25 PM:
This appears to be an opportunity to compare/contrast "women's needs for privacy" with "men's needs for privacy." Obviously (as has been discussed to great lengths on The Line) men and women have their differences, and privacy/openess in some areas, even in marriage, may be perceived differently by either gender.
13. Naomi had the following to say on May 5 at 1:31 PM:
Nothing private ever. No secrets in marriage.
I'm a chronic journaler. 7 journals in 6 years. But I journal with the understanding that when I get married, my husband will have open access to anything he wants to read. Yes, I may look foolish and may need to explain some things. But a real partnership begins with transparency. It is painful, but necessary.
Yes, journals are meant to be private. But spouses are not "the public."
14. Holly had the following to say on May 5 at 1:40 PM:
I'd side with the lady in this case. I have a journal, though I don't write often, and I would be embarrassed if my husband read it. There's nothing there that I wouldn't tell him about, but HOW we communicate is equally as important as WHAT we communicate, no? Letting a woman hash out her thoughts and feelings on paper gives her the opportunity to be respectful and objective when she brings issues to her husband. That's a benefit to both spouses!
And as for the question of confidentiality, I always ask when someone tells me something on the down-low if it's alright to tell my man. Nobody has objected, but I think the confider feels like my asking honors their confidence.
15. Justice had the following to say on May 5 at 2:09 PM:
Donna Jordan, one of my speakers while in YWAM, once gave me some advice when confessing sin. I had spoken to her about a situation from years prior, a sin I hadn't talked to anyone about. What she told me is that when she got married, she did not want to hear her husband talk about his past sins, that they were irrelevant and she didn't want to hear about them.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't think they need to know EVERYTHING but I would and am open about what's on my laptop with my fiance, but my journal is off-limits. To me it's a sacred thing, even if there's nothing to hide.
16. Lola had the following to say on May 5 at 2:17 PM:
Hey Ted,
I'm not sure that journaling necessarily implies that spouses are keeping secrets from each other.
A Journal entry could be a person’s first draft of a certain thought, experience, feeling or prayer, which may later be vocalized to the relevant people or those who are nearest and dearest to them.
It is possible that she had already communicated most of the contents of her journal to her husband in a slightly more polished version.
Regarding openness in marriage; A Husband should be as open as he would like his Wife to be. However I do not believe that any husband has a right to be offended by any lack of openness. If he senses that the lack of openness is detrimental to his marriage he should ask the Lord to enable him to lead her to the desired level of openness.
17. Tami had the following to say on May 5 at 2:28 PM:
To tell the truth, I don't understand why it's necessary to share your friend's secrets with your husband... it's not *your* secret, it's your *friend's*... so I don't think it should fall into that "no secrets" clause if you have it.
So Louise (3), I totally agree that it's a breach of confidence. And Holly (14), thank you for asking before you share your friends' secrets with your husband.
18. Adam T. had the following to say on May 5 at 2:48 PM:
What does everyone think of the above idea?
IMO, it is betraying a confidence.
It is absolutely, DEFINITELY betraying a confidence, and I can guarantee that the people you know who think otherwise are all women. (And they're wrong.)
I discussed a distressing thing that was going on in my life with an (almost) married friend and asked her to keep it confidential (i.e., to not share it with *anyone*). A short time later, she casually mentioned she had told her boyfriend.
Yeah, QED.
There's nothing there that I wouldn't tell him about, but HOW we communicate is equally as important as WHAT we communicate, no? Letting a woman hash out her thoughts and feelings on paper gives her the opportunity to be respectful and objective when she brings issues to her husband. That's a benefit to both spouses!
I like this way of thinking.
19. Courtney had the following to say on May 5 at 2:52 PM:
Several people have already made good, practical points about the role of transparency in marriage. To theirs I add my more abstract one: IF marriage is meant to reflect the intimacy of the Trinity and the relationship of Christ to his church, I don't see how intentionally witholding thoughts, feelings, or experiences accomplishes those things for the glory of God. Perhaps, it is up to each couple to decide how and to what extent they will walk out this Truth. But as singles we cannot allow ourselves the privilege-except maybe in cases of hurtful proportions--of being offended by such God-given intimacy. Much less that of denying them this facet of their relationship! Single girls, the "marrieds" have a responsibility to be be sensitive and honest with us about how much they share with their husbands, BUT we have to understand that the deepest-darkest-secrets-spilling dynamic of the sleepover may change when one or both of the us gets married!
20. alex had the following to say on May 5 at 3:01 PM:
I read in one of the posts above (lost it now) that in the marriage of Christians there should be freedom of expression and trust. I think this man is 'breaking his own rule', so to speak by reading his wife's journal. It is contrary to a culture of trust and 'freedom of expression' to break someone's boundaries like that. He should have asked her, or if he thought she had something to hide been up front with her about it like an adult. It is very childish and sneaky to read someone's journal w/o permission, and I don't feel this man has a right to demand a view into this woman's private conversation. He needs to understand when someone is talking to him and when they are not.
I think you should take it a step further and let this woman know she has a right to an apology, even though she probably won't get one and may need to do without.
21. Anna had the following to say on May 5 at 3:04 PM:
Ryan (#6) said: "From how she describes it (I COULD BE WRONG) it seems awefully like she feels more free to be more intmiate with a book of musings than she does with her husband, God, and other avenues."
For many people who journal, myself included, the act of meditating and writing is an act of communing with God. I invite Him into my most personal thoughts and feelings, sometimes by literally writing "Dear God..." letters and other times by organizing my thoughts on paper and then allowing Him to walk through them with me and process them.
I'm all for transparency and openness in marriage, but saying that I must share my journal with my (future) husband under ALL circumstances would be equivalent to my telling you (or anyone) that you can't pray or commune with God unless every thought and feeling is spoken aloud in the presence of your spouse.
22. k. had the following to say on May 5 at 3:04 PM:
I see it as respecting the other person's rights and privacy. If you're fine with that level of transparency, then great. But it's also okay to want to keep some things (like journals and mail) private.
23. Ashleigh had the following to say on May 5 at 3:04 PM:
Louise wrote:
As someone who's married, I don't make it a habit of promising others that I won't tell my husband something. If a conversation comes down to that, I often let that friend or family member know that I don't feel comfortable agreeing to those terms.
But at the same time, I also don't spend a lot of time "rehashing" to my husband what friends and family members tell me in confidence. Instead, I approach it with a "need to know" attitude. Does my husband need to know what this female friend of mine has confided in me? Most of the time, the answer is "no." And if that's the case, then I don't share it with him. There are certain things both my married and single girlfriends tell me that he really doesn't need to know, or for that matter, care to know. So I believe it's a matter of exercising wisdom.
24. Rachael had the following to say on May 5 at 3:09 PM:
Ted wrote: "free to tell her friends whatever she wants about me, and so on."
-->What an incredible testimony for us readers! What is said in private may very well go public. Good to be aware of that. Good way to enhance transparency and encourage accountability. Wow! I have a feeling some women would abuse this freedom in a disrespectful manner, but of course some would strive not to do so.
"Is it OK for some things to remain secret even within marriage?"
-->I'd be okay if my (future) husband read my journals. But I don't write in them very often, and I don't record every thought. If someone were to record EVERY thought, including ones that were fleeting and not really heart-felt, I could see how that person would want to keep those secret.
-->Would I want to have access to all my (future) husband's secrets? While I think it would be more comfortable if he was open to me discovering secrets, I think he wouldn't have to feel the need to reveal everything. If there were big sins in the past, I'd want to know generally what they were, though the specific details might not be necessary. Would I have to know everything some past girlfriend wrote him and what he wrote her? No. What's past is in the past. That's how I hope I'll feel anyway...
25. Bethany had the following to say on May 5 at 3:48 PM:
I have been married almost a year, and I do not think it necessary to share my journal with my husband.
I have kept confidences with girlfriends when asked, and my husband respects that. They are not my secrets to tell.
Some counselors even recommend that you write out your feelings - especially during conflicts - in order to calm down and sort out your emotions before discussing with your spouse. Not everything I think and feel is beneficial to my marriage, and when it is necessary to discuss something with my spouse, it's often better if I frame my thoughts in the most respectful way I can. Maybe this can be negotiated between each couple - people have different boundaries.
It may entirely depend on the context - even Ted, do you really mean that your wife can share WHATEVER she wants about you to her friends? I think you can only say that because you trust your wife not to say things that would be hurtful.
To Ryan in comment #6: I pray a lot _through_ writing in my journal. I don't know the details of this particular woman's journal, but it's very possible that she incorporates journaling as part of her prayer life, such that your reading of her practice as journaling vs. praying may be a false dichotomy. And anyway, I don't think introverted reflection is not sinful (maybe you're not saying it is, just throwing it in).
26. Nichole had the following to say on May 5 at 3:58 PM:
"It has been a "friend" for me to turn to when I am frustrated in order to sort out my feelings of anger before I react, so I can calmly approach my husband with kind words in times of conflict."
Speaking as a woman, and admittedly a pretty even-keel woman, we still go so through so many more emotions in processing a situation than I believe guys do. And if you are someone who pours out those emotions on a page as you process them you don't necessarily want someone you love reading those pages. If you put every angry word that crossed your mind in the heat of the moment on to that page I'm just guessing you wouldn't want your spouse to read all those things that can be very very hurtful.
I experience this firsthand in my teenage years when I used my journal to vent about an argument I had with my mother. Then I left it out, not on purpose, where she ending up reading that journal entry. It caused so many hurt feelings which I deeply regret. I had worked through those "feelings" but caused my mom so much hurt and questioning because those "feelings" were never meant to have been shared. They were my selfish sin nature rearing it's ugly head.
That saying I believe some editing should be done in your journals. I know it has been in mine since that moment. During those hate filled moments, should you really be venting it all out on paper? Paper lasts. Words hurt. Even if your journals are never read in life they may be read in your death. Words hurt. Perhaps instead of venting those words out on paper, you should be alone and pour out those feelings and anger to the Lord. He is really the only one capable of helping you process your emotions in a Christ-like manner.
So that is why I have taken to editing my journal. Somethings I may still be embarrassed about should they be public knowledge, like sins I struggle with, but I refuse to cause another pain by pouring out my anger on to the permanence of paper. If you still feel the need to put your feelings on paper, burn it! Burn the paper when you are done. If you have truly worked through those feelings then they no longer exist for you or others.
That being said, if you have read another's journal and been hurt. Speaking from the other side, if those words were written in the heat of the moment, they probably HAVE been processed and no longer true. Trust in God and forgive your loved one when they apologize.
27. Tami had the following to say on May 5 at 4:12 PM:
Question to the marrieds who do feel free to share what their friends say with their spouses:
If your friend says, "Don't tell anyone else," do you not think that your friend is therefore justified in her frustration if you do tell your husband?
Unless you have let her know that you share *everything* with your spouse, I think your friend has a reasonable expectation that you won't tell anyone.
BTW I had a friend who did this all the time. I tell her basically nothing now because I know it'll get broadcast to her husband and anyone else. It makes me sad that I'm not as open with her as I once was, but I have to be realistic. [And yes, I've challenged/confronted her on this(kindly I must add), and she does think it's OK for her to share basically anything I say with anyone, especially her husband... I guess she's like the husband in the OP; no sense of "secrets" among friends.]
28. Novagirl in VA had the following to say on May 5 at 4:23 PM:
If I were the wife, I would be wondering, why did the husband read the journal in the first place? Was he just innocently curious? Did he suspect there was something on her mind that she was not sharing and he was looking for insight?
While I completely agree that it's reasonable to expect one's journal to be private from a spouse, the fact that the husband looked makes me wonder if he was looking "for" something. And if he was, that's something they need to discuss. Indeed, why he looked might even be more critical than the issue of privacy.
29. J.T. had the following to say on May 5 at 4:31 PM:
My personal bias is that any woman who keeps something from a man that she loves is not really in love at all. Before you rake me over the coals, I heard a Josh McDowell message one time (it was a message at Focus on the Family) and in it, he mentioned that the best definition of intamacy he had ever heard was - the capacity to be real with someone. If people keep secrets, how can they be real?
30. Steph had the following to say on May 5 at 4:35 PM:
I agree with Elizabeth (#4). If oneness is our goal in marriage, we need to be working towards a point where our spouses are a part of even the most intimate details of our lives. That includes our relationship with God and even how we work through our conflicts with them. It is pretty difficult to truly do that while keeping a lock on our diaries. I think it is very helpful (perhaps after the fact) for a spouse to see how you worked through an issue. If they get the impression that nothing ever bothers you (because by the time you talk to them, it's all worked out in your head), they'll get a really warped idea of who you are. Yes, we are called to love and respect our spouses. But to make it seem like we always do that perfectly is not only artificial, it will probably be intimidating for them. I think one of the true joys of marriage is the freedom to show that part of yourself that is "raw", as Elizabeth put it, and yet still find grace from your spouse.
31. brx had the following to say on May 5 at 4:40 PM:
How about PRIVATE, but not _secret_? I'd like to be able to let my spouse hold my box of insecurities and trust her when I say 'I love you but please don't look in that box just yet.' I'm not exactly keeping secrets; she knows it exists... and we respectfully shouldn't dump them out all over the floor.
Trust and security is something that is built over time - sometimes decades. And, I think we also feel slighted and insecure to hear that we are _not_ trusted with everything.
I think the question is the same for both sides: are you secure enough in Christ to let your spouse read your journal; Are you secure enough in Christ to hold your spouse' journal and NOT read it?
Grace & peace...
32. Michele had the following to say on May 5 at 4:53 PM:
I've kept a diary or journal since I was 8 years old, and I've carried on doing so since I got married. So far, my husband has expressed no desire to see it, and I've just said that I don't really want him to, but never said that it's totally off limits.
For me, writing is an exercise, it's a chance to get things off my chest. There's not really anything in my journal that I don't already share with my husband - it's the physical act of writing with a nice pen in a pretty book that I need. It's cathartic, and what I write down may not make a lot of sense to the reader. It may just be my mind, laid open.
If my husband asked, I would let him read my journal. Nothing, in terms of issues, events, etc., should be private between partners in a marriage, but I can see the need for a private clearing space. It's really no different, to me, than thinking things through and not speaking until you've had a chance to digest things. For some people, this process is a written one, and therefore, a spouse wishing to read the written catharsis should at least ask before proceeding.
33. Adam T. had the following to say on May 5 at 5:15 PM:
Ashleigh,
But at the same time, I also don't spend a lot of time "rehashing" to my husband what friends and family members tell me in confidence. Instead, I approach it with a "need to know" attitude. Does my husband need to know what this female friend of mine has confided in me? Most of the time, the answer is "no."
I would love to hear an example of a secret that your husband would "need to know".
34. BDB had the following to say on May 5 at 5:21 PM:
Hmmm...if I had to choose between a wife keeping a prayer journal she didn't want to share on one hand...and on the other hand running to her mom or girlfriend to say the same stuff when frustrated...I think I can live with not reading the prayer journal.
There's lots of circumstances when the timing is not right to speak truth - people are not ready to receive it. If a prayer journal is a way to express the feelings without blurting them out before the right time, sounds like a good plan. Sometimes people can better understand a situation by putting words down on paper. Anyone who is a good writer probably has experienced this.
35. Kelly had the following to say on May 5 at 6:42 PM:
As more friends get married, I find it hard to accept that the secrets I tell them will also be known to their husbands. So I keep back more secrets, which is hard.
I've journalled for years and years. I'll happily share certain pages or passages of a journal with a boyfriend but not the whole thing. One boyfriend once asked me to read his entire journal... and I truly DIDN'T want to.
There were far too many dark/black thoughts in there, that scared me, because what we show a private journal and what we show another person can be VERY different things.
Yes, husbands and wives should be open. But if you are angry (and even God gets angry!) is it respectful to show that to your partner? Or should you deal with the emotion and tell your partner about it afterwards?
I think journals should be private, with an understanding that one partner can ASK the other to read it if they really want to. That way, any upsetting entries can be explained.
36. shawni had the following to say on May 5 at 6:46 PM:
I used to be an obsessive journal-keeper. I don't write quite so much anymore, but it's still where I go when I want to really think through something or get perspective on things. I "think" best through writing.
I'm not sure yet how I feel about sharing or not sharing with a spouse. I find that I am very, very self-conscious about what I have written recently (say, in the past year) but earlier stuff I don't feel so "defensive" about. I definitely think I would want to share my journals with my spouse, once there's a little space between me and whatever I was writing about. It might be helpful for him to see the process I go through in sorting things out, so that even if it is stuff I wouldn't say out loud, he can understand better what's going on in my head.
I don't think the argument that "there should be complete openness and trust between spouses" really holds up... Does anyone really think that spouses should share every single thought that crosses their mind? Doubt it. It is part of self-control and maturity not to give expression to every emotion or thought. Since journals are oftentimes a place for those sort of things, isn't it obvious that sometimes they might be better unshared?
Or... perhaps those kinds of thoughts and emotions shouldn't be expressed at all, even on paper...??
37. mindlab had the following to say on May 5 at 7:30 PM:
From a guy's perspective:
Transparency is very important to me, as is confidence. There is not quicker way to gain my disdain than to break a confidence, and my family understands that. Additionally, I desire to be completely transparent with my (future) spouse; secrets/intentionally unshared thoughts can only be caustic.
Since my best friend got married, there are some things that we no longer talk about with each other. I expect that anything I tell him will be discussed with his wife; I would not have it any other way, and I would be grieved to learn that I had burdened him with something he didn't feel free to talk about with his beloved. My loss was his gain, and I trust it will be my turn soon.
Part of love is trust; if you don't trust, you can't love.
38. Nick Coller had the following to say on May 5 at 7:39 PM:
Alright, a bit of food for thought here.
A lot of people have said that the journal is something of a "first draft" for thought processes and the like, something that you wouldn't want anyone else reading because it's not necessarily what you truly think and may bring up issues that aren't even relevant.
I really don't understand this logic. Whenever I write a first draft for an assignment or a letter or anything that even needs a first draft, it always gets chucked away. It's that final one that gets kept, and I don't even think about the first draft from that point on.
Why shouldn't all these initial thoughts be written down on scrap paper and only what one actually thinks/feels go into the journal? I remember back in the days where I used to blog regularly, my only rule to myself was that I'd only write when I was able to look at the situation objectively. I only broke that once, and took down the post a few minutes later when I realised it wasn't what I was actually thinking.
Maybe that's just a difference between men and women? If I work through an issue with a friend (which I assume is similar to writing it down - working out both sides and the talking through it and all that), they never come back to me and remind me of all my random thoughts that I would quite likely be embarrassed about. Yet a journal just sits there baring everything. I would much rather have those working thoughts thrown out and done away with and only have a record of things that I actually believed.
39. Ame had the following to say on May 5 at 7:42 PM:
When married, I think it best, when another wants to confide in you, that you state that you keep no secrets with your spouse ... then let the person decide if they still choose to confide in you. Whether or not you share the confidence with your spouse is separate ... but having a confidence between you and your spouse that cannot be shared with him is not necessary or healthy.
Also, there should never be a question about having any private knowledge of another person of opposite sex when married. Period.
The two 'becoming' one is a process. For some the process will be easier than others and for some take longer than others.
I think it would have shown great respect for his wife had this husband asked permission to read *her* journal first. I would think a spouse would ask if it were okay if they did many things ... not for the need for permission ... or because one spouse has more authority or power than another ... but simply out of respect.
Perhaps there would come a time when this woman would feel free to share her journal ...to give her husband a view into her innermost self. Out of love for her, and especially since it was not discussed before marriage, I believe he should honor and respect her boundaries with a great deal of love ... and with the desire to earn her complete trust and respect so that, someday, she will feel so safe with him that she will want to share her journal.
(yes, i am an avid journal-er, too; so i get that part ;).
40. Jen had the following to say on May 5 at 8:05 PM:
I am an avid journaler myself, but that's been decreasing over the past few months after I got engaged. I just share more openly with my fiance as time goes on, and if something comes up that is confusing or I need to commune with God over, journaling is usually a part of it. I do think that in this particular scenario, the husband was disrespectful of the wife in reading her journal. In general, I think most people consider journals personal and private, i.e. not meant for sharing with others. That doesn't necessarily violate the union of marriage or one-flesh mentality. I think it's acceptable to not share everything with your spouse because I'm not sure that's the goal anyways. You will never know EVERYTHING about your spouse, and if that is your goal, you should probably give up now....however, I think what can be dangerous is intentionally witholding information from a significant other that would BENEFIT the relationship. That is problematic. Processing things through journaling can be quite helpful, especially for introverted folks like myself who just need extra time to think through their thoughts first before sharing. But if it just stops there and the thoughts are never communicated, that does violate the union of marriage as I understand it.
Gossip and secrets shared by friends is a completely different thing. I agree with poster # 23 "As someone who's married, I don't make it a habit of promising others that I won't tell my husband something....Does my husband need to know what this female friend of mine has confided in me? Most of the time, the answer is "no." Yup, don't promise something you can't, and be realistic about what is necessary and appropriate. I'm pretty sure there a probably more important things to be discussing anyways.
One thing I would also want to know more about is why he did this or what motivation there was. I'm a little curious. Because if anything, I think his snooping shows a greater lack of trust than her desire to keep a journal. But that's just my perspective.
41. Christi had the following to say on May 5 at 8:22 PM:
I am not married but my sister is and she is firm believer in "no secrets" (or privacy for that matter) between she and my brother in law. Therefore, she has told him every "sisterly" secret I have ever shared with her. She has actually done this when I was sharing with her some issues going on via the phone. When he asked what I was up to, she proceeded to tell him EXACTLY what was going on. When I question her about why she does this, she has responded with the accusation that I am trying to be devisive between her and her husband and I was just going to have to get over it. I am all about sharing everything with your spouse but he is not MY spouse and I have a problem with him knowing everything about me, personal and otherwise. More than that, he would really prefer not to know some of the things that she is telling him but she tends to force the issue so that there is NOTHING that he doesn't know that she knows about. It has impacted my relationship with my sister to say the least. Is this devisive to expect that she would keep my very personal health issues and or other confidences (e.g confessed sins, etc.) to herself rather than share everything she knows with him? Maybe I am expecting too much?? Of course, the sharing between sisters has been drastically reduced due to her lack of discretion in my perspective.
42. Katie P. had the following to say on May 5 at 8:24 PM:
My journals over the years have served two main purposes: praying to God (I concentrate better than if I just sat there and said stuff aloud or in my head), and venting. My journals are my heart laid bare. Very occasionally, I will read an entry to a close friend if it will help me explain what's going on in my life, but generally, my journals are private.
Since I'm not sure how married couples should deal with this (I'm not married), I know from reading The Shadow of the Almighty by Elisabeth Elliot that Jim Elliot stopped journaling as much when he and Elisabeth married because she became his confidant. But I think writing can serve a therapeutic purpose, and maybe there should be enough respect in a married relationship that private information will be divulged when it's worked through properly.
43. DannieA had the following to say on May 5 at 8:58 PM:
some people have said that we shouldn't vent on paper, because it causes hurt feelings.
1. As a person who has received therapy at one point in my life...I have learned that venting out emotions can be done in healthy or unhealthy ways, and one of the HEALTHY ways of doing this is through journaling.
2. As we all know, men and women are different. Women may have to process situations differently then men. Journaling provides that.
3. Unless asked, a journal is private...your thoughts, organization, frustrations go in there. Yes you will probably be transparent with your spouse, but most likely you will share what you've written down so therefore a privacy boundary is not a bad thing.
I believe the woman had a right to be hurt...and I hope that she and her husband were able to talk about it and avoid future conflict.
44. KJ had the following to say on May 5 at 9:15 PM:
Like many who posted here, I have kept a journal since childhood. Privacy is important even though I've never written down anything bad (actually I've lived a very clean life and there isn't much bad to write about - but I was counseled at an early age never to put anything down in writing that could incriminate me later so I am probably more careful than I need to be.) In my adult life, with junior-high drama and stupid crushes a thing of the past, I find it is a very useful outlet to sort out things that don't make sense at first. If my boyfriend or future husband demanded to read them I would have a problem with that. If he just up and read them without permission it would cause a serious, lasting problem in our relationship because those are my thoughts and if I had wanted them publicly known I would have said those things out loud.
Additionally, there is no need for every little thing to be known in marriage - so the whole "no secrets EVER" notion doesn't hold water with me. There are details about my health and hygiene, for example, that my future husband will not need to know about simply because they are not necessary to share. And there are thoughts that roll through my mind that don't need to be shared with anyone either, not because they're bad or sinful, but because they're mine.
In other words, I totally side with the wife on this one.
45. Christina (in green) had the following to say on May 5 at 9:45 PM:
Adam,
A secret that your husband WOULD need to know is a secret that is affecting you so badly that it needs to be shared... because it is affecting your interactions with other people.
I have a "friend" who has a difficult time taking on the "burdens" of friends. She has such a difficult time because she takes the problem of the friend and carries it like its her own. In her case, it would be more healthy for her to share with her spouse a secret that is affecting her in such a way because he can help her gain perspective and pray about it (at least I know this to be true concerning her current boyfriend). However, it is important for her to be upfront with the friend that if they share a secret with her, its going to be shared with her AND her spouse.
********************************
To all those that think that EVERYTHING should be out in the open in a marriage, I ask you how many of you think you're married to God? Or are going to be married to God? Humans can only handle so much. And our husbands and wives ARE human. You can't yell at your husband in the heat of the moment and expect a favorable reaction. You can yell at God and trust in his perfect love and mercy when you are angry.
Seriously, there are going to be hurtful things that are going to creep into your mind when you are angry, distressed, depressed, hurt that shouldn't be said. That doesn't mean you don't communicate that feeling, but it does mean that you need to gain SOME perspective (your not perfect, and it is important to share with your spouse those feelings) before outpouring your heart to your spouse. When he was gone all night with his buddies and not returning your phone calls when you were so sick to your stomach from onset of the monthly blues, you don't want him to come home to you screaming at the top of your lungs in the irrationality that tends to overtake the female mind at that time... only to discover that their car broke down and they didn't have any reception and had to walk to the nearest gas station to get a towing service out there. Him being tired and exhausted and stressed won't mix well with PMS. I say let it out in a journal so your better able to handle the emotions when you DO face him.
And those initial feelings should not need to be publicized. The person who mentioned that paper lasts...sometimes burning the paper helps =p And can serve as a release as well - and a good mental practice of releasing those emotions to God.
46. Bryce had the following to say on May 5 at 9:53 PM:
If a woman writes down her thoughts before she talks to her husband with them, it could be(*could*, assuming the husband is not trying to hurt his wife, but to understand her) beneficial to their marriage for the husband to see them. The husband could 'get into' the thought process of his wife, and learn how she thinks that he might be careful and caring, knowing how she reacts.
47. Ashleigh had the following to say on May 5 at 10:02 PM:
Adam T. (#33) wrote:
I have to say, I sense sarcasm in that question. But the truth is, there are situations where something I know about someone -- that I haven't shared with my husband -- becomes something helpful for him to know.
For example, perhaps I have a friend who's sensitive in a specific area because of past experiences or relationships. It's something she hasn't asked me to "not tell anyone," but I'm fairly sure it was told to me in confidence and not something she wants me to go around freely sharing. If my husband happens to accidentally push one of those sensitive buttons when we're around her because he's unaware of it, I may tell him later about it -- probably in vague terms -- but enough info so that he has a awareness and sensitivity to it in the future if another similar situation arises.
I see this as something he "needs to know" in order to facilitate peace and avoid any unintentional wounding. And, even in these type of situations, I exercise wisdom. I don't dish out all the details. I only share enough to be helpful.
48. julieH had the following to say on May 5 at 10:04 PM:
Honestly, when I read the way this woman is relating to her journal, I am a little concerned... warning bells are going off.
"my journal was my best friend... my journal was a place of refuge. My journal has been a place go to when I am angry or frustrated or disappointed; when I am grateful or feeling distant from God..."
I think journaling can be helpful... but this description seems like it could be an unhealthy situation...
God should be the best friend, refuge, place to go when angry, frustrated, or disappointed, place to run to when grateful or feeling distant. Did this woman mean she is turning to God through journaling... or has the journal become an idol?
We're not going to be sharpened if we don't own up to our emotions to someone. Maybe it's your best girlfriend/guyfriend instead of your spouse, in some situations. But if all of your raw emotion is hidden in a journal, and no one ever challenges your attitudes, then how do you become more like Christ?
Our thoughts, not just our words, come from what our heart is full of... We know God knows all of it... but a little bit of human accountability can go a long way.
49. EM had the following to say on May 5 at 10:44 PM:
I think you've thought this one out well, Ted.
I've also thought this through quite a bit. In a perfect world, I don't think spouses should intentionally keep things from each other that affect each other.
That said, this is not a perfect world. Trust can take time to grow between spouses and sometimes spouses violate trust in horrific ways.
But, as has been pointed out already, even in good relationships, being 'one' does not mean everything must be told.
Speaking to confidences in marriage, trust need not mean nothing is ever kept quiet so much as aspiring to reach a point where that which is most important to me no longer has to be private. A spouse need not tell trade secrets with which s/he is entrusted at his / her company. Doing so is probably a violation of his / her contract. A police detective doesn't tell her husband private case details on a regular basis. A lawyer need not tell his wife all about the strategy for winning his next trial. Likewise a spouse generally ought not tell the details of his / her friend or relatives struggles to his / her spouse unless consent is obtained. If you feel like you ought to share a confidence entrusted to you, you can say something simple like: "My husband might have some insights into the situation you are bringing up. I really respect his opinion and have always been able to trust his discretion. Would you mind if I asked him for his advice about this?" Then, respect your friend's response just as you would want your counselor or pastor or attorney to respect yours.
If you are struggling with how the confidences you are keeping are affecting you or with whether the counsel you are giving is wise, there are almost always ways to tell just the part that affects you directly -- how you are feeling, what your Godward question may be -- without compromising the confidence with which you have been entrusted. I say that as someone who values discretion VERY highly, has chosen not to again entrust information to friends who have violated my confidence previously and who still does need to seek the counsel of a wise pastor or friend on occasion when I am counseling someone else regarding a particularly difficult situation.
Regarding the journaling concept specifically, I too keep a journal. I rarely write in it but when I do, it is usually in dark and difficult times. Much of my journal is prayers, doubts, struggles and working through tough decisions before God. I would expect that my husband would never read it without my asking him to (if I ever married). Someone reading my journal would get a really distorted picture of my mental health. Although there may be parts of it I might share w/ a mate as an act of trust, I would consider it a violation of trust for my journal to be read without that being my choice.
50. Samuel Keane-Rudolph had the following to say on May 5 at 10:47 PM:
I think there's a fine line between secrecy and privacy. While it's true that in marriage, two become one, physically, emotionally, spiritually, it's also true that we do not tell our spouses everything. There are some things that they, by virtue of being different persons and of the opposite gender, simply won't understand.
Being one does not mean being the same.
That being said, I have no problems with a journal being kept private by a spouse-- however, if I were the young woman's husband, I'd want to know why it was being kept private and in general what she wrote in it. I.e., "I use this to straighten out my thoughts before I talk to you. It helps me clarify what I think and decide what it is I really want to say."
That would be completely acceptable to me.
51. BDB had the following to say on May 5 at 11:08 PM:
You can kind of see an analogy with the separate e-mail vs. couple e-mail thing.
One of my friends has a combined family e-mail. In fact, just tonight his wife responded to an e-mail I sent to him. Several years ago this was a bit jarring. He confided in me that he needed advice on an ethics issue at work. I responded to him, and SHE sent a set of questions back to me. I had to get used to this with them.
Other couples keep separate e-mails. If you want to schedule something with them, the best course is to e-mail them both. Then they'll either call or e-mail each other and one of them will get back with an answer. But they clearly don't know what the other one is doing via e-mail.
I'm pretty sure this is what I'd prefer, too, since I'm so e-mail oriented in a work setting anyway. Besides, if someone e-mails me an ethical dilemma, once I become aware of it I might end up being compelled to testify about something, since I don't qualify for any privileged communications. I'm comfortable taking that risk, but I wouldn't want my spouse to be subject to that risk.
52. Larry Gross had the following to say on May 5 at 11:15 PM:
I think the situation really depends on what the intent of the thing you wish kept private is. Some people gain great benefit through writing their thoughts down in order to organize them and see them on paper. They think best this way. In the same way that it would be unhealthy to spill our every sinful thought to our spouse - in this special case, it would certainly be unhealthy for your spouse to read these unfiltered mental struggles.
That said, I would conjecture that this type of person is in the minority. It does not seem reasonable to assume that a good number of people use writing as a means of "working things out" before they "go public." While it certainly seems appropriate for this woman to graciously request her husband to understand this... we should caution ourselves to not use this as a means to keep areas of our lives more private from our spouse.
Privacy without oversight tends to breed sin. We desperately need our spouse's nose smack in the middle of our business. We need their assistance in this war against sin. Areas that are blank to them or kept from them are areas where sin can grow and fester. Let us caution ourselves not to think that privacy is somehow a God-given blessing. Transparency is the way of growth... privacy in marriage tends to be the way of bitter sin (unless, you're that rare soul who really does think better on paper than you do in your own head).
53. Lois had the following to say on May 5 at 11:34 PM:
My journal is MINE, thank-you very much. If anyone, even my (future) husband, ever read it without permission, I would feel betrayed and would have tremendous difficulty trusting that person again (I speak from experience -- it's happened before). My journal is where I pour out my innermost thoughts and feelings. It is where I work through what my heart is going through. It is a letter to God, when I need to talk to Him. It is my confidant when I need someone to talk to. My journal is a part of ME.
When I get married, I expect I will write less and less as I confide more and more in him. He will become my secret-keeper, not my journal. But I will still need it to process some things, I am sure.
I look forward to reading parts of it to him -- especially the parts from during my relationship with him! I expect he will laugh a lot and be amazed at hearing "the other side" of the story that he didn't have a clue about!
When I am married and people confide in me, I will not tell those secrets to my husband. I will tell him MY secrets, but the secrets of other people are not mine to tell.
There's my two cents!
54. H.A.P had the following to say on May 6 at 5:35 AM:
Rose Colored Glasses Warning: only married nine months! :)
My husband and I both have a stack of journals starting when we were teens. Reading each other's journals (actually starting before we married) was good for us. I'm from a divorced family and tend to guard my feelings, and my husband tends to be very private as well. We knew this would not be healthy in marriage. Giving each other the right to read the journals was a huge act of trust. What we read gave us a deeper understanding of the others thoughts and struggles and helped build intimacy in our relationship. Having said that, our journals were fairly "ho hum". We both came to the Lord as children and so the little bit of foolishness and romance sprinkled in the pages might have been difficult reading but not at all a threat to the intimacy that we enjoy. Funny thing, the last few months my husband has stopped journaling completely and I do very rarely. I don't know his reasons, but now I would rather talk most things over with him rather than write them down.
55. Louise had the following to say on May 6 at 6:01 AM:
One more thing: some of the "spouse sharers" actually had an attitude that the friend who swore him/her to "secrecy" should have known that his/her spouse was exempt from said secrecy.
I have a friend whose husband listens in on her telephone conversations. One time on the telephone she was being evasive but I just assumed he was in the room. When she later told me the truth I was livid, since during previous telephone conversations I had revealed private details of my life which I would not want him to hear!
IMO one has the right to expect that phone conversations are private, unless one is specifically told otherwise.
She lives in a distant state, so when we talk it must be on the telephone.
I immediately called another friend of ours and said "Julie told me her husband listens while she's on the phone. When you call her, ask her if he is home, and if the answer is yes be careful what you say."
Our other friend very much appreciated the warning.
I personally would have kicked him to the curb several years ago, but I don't like telling other people what to do.
56. Amy P. had the following to say on May 6 at 6:31 AM:
This whole situation seems to boil down to one very common early marriage issue:
Their families of origin each had different/opposite expectations for the same situation AND they never negotiated this issue prior to being married.
Although I am not married, I have seen this in my friend's marriages. When family of origins have opposite beliefs (her family viewed journals as private and his viewed them as public), then the couples need to negotate and develop their own framework for moving forward. They need to discuss their feelings and figure out how they can agree on a stance to take in the future. Also, it is worth noting that it doesn't seem like this couple discussed this at all prior to marriage and that both had EXPECTATIONS that did not match.
I think that their is no "right" or "wrong" answer to this question as it depends on how you were raised. This couple has to talk about this rationally and agree on how they will handle things moving forward.
Oh well, that's my 2 cents.
57. Matt from DC had the following to say on May 6 at 6:54 AM:
Adam T.,
Re comment 18, you are incorrect. I am not a woman and I shared openly with my wife and expected the same in return.
Re comment 33, here's one for you. A few years ago my wife's cousin was suicidal and addicted to coke. She was living on her own in a place that was dragging her down with it. So, we opened a spare room to her and helped to get her back on her feet. During that time my wife told me anything and everything she promised to her cousin to keep in confidence because I needed to know because it is my job to protect my family.
I think what my wife did was fine.
However, I think your tone toward women in general (comment 18) and toward Ashleigh (comment 33) lack respect and humility.
About the original post, I'm in the middle like Ashleigh on this topic and wouldn't give my word to hide things from my wife, wouldn't share anything and everything about everyone, and would make a decision based on necessity about what to share with my wife.
Marriage is partnership and union. I found sharing and acceptance created great trust and helped the two of us act as one.
I'm going to take a wild guess now that you haven't been/aren't married. As well, you sound like you're arguing from the point of view of someone who has been betrayed. Have you shared something with someone that you wanted to be kept secret and later found yourself in an awkward or embarrassing situation?
58. Lance had the following to say on May 6 at 7:09 AM:
The concept that couples should have absolutely no secrets, especially a secret in the sense of a friend confiding in one of the two, doesn't really make sense. If that were true I'd never want to discuss private issues with my priest. Certain issues are between certain people and they are not free to be shared. If there is not freedom to maintain secrets (at least secrets regarding those outside the marriage) then the confidentiality right of priests/laywers/pscychologists/etc. would all be inherently suspect.
As for the topic at hand, I believe the woman has a right to upset. Personally, I think it would be best if the person who keeps a journal was willing to share it if their partner insisted, and yet at the same time I think the partner should not insist on viewing it unless there are extenuating circumstances.
59. Trevor D. had the following to say on May 6 at 7:27 AM:
I think Ame (#39) makes a key point here: the first question to answer is "why didn't the husband speak with his wife first before doing this?" The questions of privacy, transparency, etc are probably best left to the individual couples, as different couples choose to live very differently.
Of course, if the wife is very defensive, or had given the husband reason to suspect infidelity, or whatever, then his actions become more understandable, but I would still have started with talking rather than with reading.
60. James had the following to say on May 6 at 8:09 AM:
Alot of people have said how I feel on this issue. Now, while I would want my future wife to be transparent with me, I can understand that she sees and processes things differently than I and may need to vent those things on paper.
However, to re-quote and add to something someone above me wrote:
Paper lasts, words hurt.
Get a shredder.
You may need to write those words out to work them out at the time, but why KEEP them once the issue becomes past tense? In the future, you shouldn't need to come back to those things and the risk of discovery is huge!
I once was going through a hard time with a lady-friend of mine and once I simply had to write it out. Now, it's not my nature to do so since when I write, EVERYTHING goes through a filter so most of the time when I write you get the semi-polished version. Not this time. I wrote and wrote and wrote, and then when I was done I was going to send it to her. However, my writer's nature intervened (more like God did) and made me look at what I'd written. I saw how selfish, self-centered, self-pitying, and absolutely horrid my words were. I threw that writing away (tore it up first).
That writing out had been necessary in order for God to root out and show me what was wrong (and for good reason, as soon after she apologized to me and because I'd put that pain away I was able to say "I forgive you, will you forgive me?"), but it didn't need to be kept.
So, ladies and gents who feel the need to use writing in a journal to sort through things FIRST before presenting them, invest in a shredder. Once whatever raw issue you're going through has been dealt with, destroy your writing. Otherwise that writing is just like a left-over, undetonated artillery shell from a past war: it can go off and hurt someone who it was never meant to hurt. Better clean up the mess after the issue is through than to leave it.
And if you choose to leave it, make sure you'd be alright with your spouse reading it. If not, destroy it.
Because:
Paper lasts, words hurt.
Get a shredder.
61. Sue M had the following to say on May 6 at 8:44 AM:
My husband read my journal in the first year we were married, and I never kept one again. I don't agree that we shouldn't keep anything from our spouse. I have many times had to process my anger before responding to my husband. Instead of calling him a miserable selfish cad, I try to address the issue. If we truly said everything we thought, our relationships would be in shambles.
62. Tami had the following to say on May 6 at 9:02 AM:
I don't understand how a confidence that someone shares with you is something that comes between you and your spouse.
If it's always expected that married people will share their friends' business with their spouses, then how could married pastors and counselors -- who are expected to keep confidences, sometimes literally abiding by established codes of ethics -- ever fulfill that function without violating the trust of the person who told them the confidence?
63. Leah had the following to say on May 6 at 9:28 AM:
Ryan- I hate to say this, but your comment simply illustrates your lack of knowledge about the female mind.
Yes, we can talk to God. But writing often helps us structure our thoughts better and even help us understand what we're thinking and feeling. The woman in the letter doesn't make any comment about her relationship with God, so it is unfair of you to say you think she's more intimate with the journal than with God. You have no way of knowing that.
And honestly, how can you seriously think she should be THAT open with her husband? Bad, bad idea. We are all sinful humans and have bad thoughts about other people. Surely you remember Thumper's mother's advice in the movie Bambi- if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. Now, we all know that's taking it a bit far- there are often unpleasant things that require talking about- but there are also often unpleasant thoughts that we have that are best kept unspoken.
If I have an argument with my fiance and think that he's being selfish and biased and purposely ignoring my point of view, would that be a good idea for me to vocalise those thoughts? Definitely not, because it's almost guaranteed that they are unfair and false accusations. But writing down how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking can help me sort out my thoughts, establish what the root of the problem is, and how best to tackle it. I can then take that root problem to my fiance so that we can work on it together, but for him to know those initial thoughts would not do any good and would likely do some damage. It would simply serve no good purpose for spouses to be that 110% transparent with each other, especially women who are so emotional and often take extra work to sort out their thoughts.
mindlab- your claim that "secrets/intentionally unshared thoughts can only be caustic" is also like ryan's- only serves to demosntrate your lack of knowledge about how the female mind works. See above. It is not necessarily caustic so it is very unfair of you to label it that way when realistically, you'd have no idea, as judging from your comments you're neither female, nor married nor engaged to one.
JT- when you said "My personal bias is that any woman who keeps something from a man that she loves is not really in love at all" you lost all credibility in my eyes. Have you ever been engaged or married? If you had, you'd know that withholding certain things is a sure sign of loving someone. If I didn't love my fiance, I'd have no hesitation in letting fly the accusations and frustrated emotions when we argue. But instead, because I love him, I try to stem them and vocalise only what is important to fixing the problem. I'm not very good at it yet, but I try, because I love him. If you think sharing every thought that crosses your mind is the definition of love, I'm sure glad I'm not marrying you. I pity you if you think "being real" requires expressing your every thought to everyone around you.
Tami- (and those who have asked similar questions)- I think that if you say "don't share this with anyone" to a married person, you must expect them to share it with their spouse. If they find it particularly distressing and their spouse asks what's bothering them, they must be allowed to share. That said, if someone says "don't share this with anyone" to a married person, I think the married person should warn them out of courtesy that it may get shared with the spouse.
THAT said, I don't think the person telling the secret should be too frustrated or hurt if they discover the spouse was told. Like I said, they should not expect the married person to keep it from the spouse. If they do want it kept from the spouse, they should say that specifically. If that causes a problem for the person listening, then the secret should not be shared.
Ok, that might all sound a bit convoluted. So a conversation should go a bit like this:
Single Person: I have something I would like to tell you, but I don't want you to tell anyone else. (At this stage, they should expect the spouse to be exempt from the promise).
Married Person (preferred option): Ok, but you have to understand I might have to share it with my husband/wife.
OR
Married person (less preferred option, but doesn't negate what should be the Single Person's expectation): That's ok. What's wrong?
I don't believe it is wrong of the married person to not give a warning- it's just nicer and more thoughtful if they did. A single person should consider the fact that spouses often have "no secrets" policies, and it would be unfair to automatically assume a spouse be included in a "don't tell" promise.
That said, I think married people should really only tell their friends' secrets to their spouse when it is called for. eg. if it is distressing or distracting them and the spouse asks, or if it's pertinent to the spouse. While I won't say this is wrong, I think it's uncalled for in situations like Christi's, when the married person (her sister) is sharing every little secret when it's completely uncalled for by her husband.
I mean, telling the spouse should really be no different to not telling anyone. The spouse shoudl be trustworthy enough not to tell anyone else, and respectful enough not to change his/her attitude towards the person who owns the secret, based on information contained in the secret.
Adam T- "It is absolutely, DEFINITELY betraying a confidence, and I can guarantee that the people you know who think otherwise are all women. (And they're wrong.)" Wow, you sure know how to kill any credibility someone might give you. "They're wrong". Lamest argument ever. I'll just as legitimately claim that *you're* wrong. (For what it's worth, read the previous sections of this comment to find out my real opinion on sharing friends' secrets with your spouse).
Naomi, "nothing private" does not equal "no secrets" as you imply. While I think "no secrets" is a good policy, "no privacy" is NOT. Read my previous thoughts (in this comment) and you'll know why.
64. a sassy sister had the following to say on May 6 at 9:38 AM:
I think this also hits on the issue of oneness, openness, trust and privacy, as many other posters have already mentioned. However, I think that "oneness" in marriage is a lifelong process. In saying that, I think that even in marriage, you are still learning about the other person you are in covenant with. So, in this scenario, I don't believe the question is about whether or not she should have a private journal apart from her husband. The questions I would have are:
What is this woman's views on trust, privacy and frank communication? Many times people can say they want frank communication, but they really want someone who is honest but also has the ability not be verbally brutal in their delivery of honest opinions and feelings.
What is the husband and wife's views on what real intimacy in a relationship is? How are those perceptions of intimacy affecting how these issues of openness in the marriage?
65. Tami had the following to say on May 6 at 9:42 AM:
Larry (52), I surmise that a great many people need (or at least prefer) to write things out first. Look at how many journalers are responding to this post. :)
Just like some people prefer to talk things through, others prefer to write it out first. Sometimes it's a matter of getting organized. I don't think it necessarily means you're hiding something sinful from your spouse. As others have said, sometimes it's better that we work out our frustration in private before sharing our emotions rashly. I hear men do this by going to be alone with their thoughts for a while; many women (as evidenced by this blog post) do it by journaling.
66. Elisabeth had the following to say on May 6 at 9:59 AM:
I journal quite a lot myself like a lot of other ladies. I mostly do it because I like to review the days events, but also because I use it to vent and as a prayer journal.
Because I record different events in my life I've actually gone back and read entries to my husband about what I was thinking about, say during our courtship.
I don't think he would ever read my journal esp. not without asking, but I don't think I'd have any big problems. (It might actually be rather boring in some places!) We both have things