Living With All of the Body
by Heather Koerner on 05/28/2008 at 4:18 PM
On Saturday, I had the privilege of celebrating the life of a saint. My friend and fellow choir member, Susie, is now in the presence of our Lord. It was a beautiful ceremony. One that rejoiced in her life, her 40-plus years as a wife, mother and grandmother and, most of all, her Lord Jesus Christ. The whole attitude was that of 1 Thessalonians 4.
One thing I noticed, though, was that I was one of the only under-50 non-family attenders. On the car ride home, as I was mulling this over, I realized that this was only the second funeral I have ever attended that wasn't for a member of my own family (the first was the death of a teacher my sophomore year of high school).
It got me wondering: Is this the way the church body should be? Why aren't the young attending, and being inspired and blessed by, these funerals? Why aren't the seniors giving their wisdom at baby showers? Why is it that last Sunday I headed down to the youth wing on an errand and had one of the youth workers smirk at me and ask, "What are you doin' down here, Koerner? We don't see you in these parts often."
He was absolutely right. And it made me a little sad. Are we so compartmentalized at church that we don't know anyone other than our peers?
In today's Boundless article, Ted and Motte interview Voddie Baucham, the pastor of Grace Family Baptist Church, whose congregation practices a "family-integrated" approach to the church body. It was a really interesting article. Pastor Baucham talks about the problems that occur when we age compartmentalize our churches. After all, how can the we model and teach the young when we don't see them? And how can we learn the wisdom of our elders if we don't even know them?
His ideas have really got me thinking. In the meantime, though, I realize that it's my responsibility to be intentional about cross-generational relationships. Two places I have found to nurture these are in service (that's how I met Susie, in the music ministry) and ladies' Bible study. Yes, it's fun to serve alongside my peers and to do Bible study with my friends. But the Lord has been showing me how lacking that kind of life can be.
And while there are definite benefits to cultivating non-peer relationships (especially for singles), I've realized that I just want to live life with the church body -- all the church body. I want to see and celebrate God's faithfulness to all of His children. And I'm pretty sure I can't do that from the comfort of my Sunday School class.
1. Chris Krycho said the following at 4:58 PM on May 28:
This was one of the single best articles Boundless has published in years. I am buying some of Baucham's books in short order.
The problem, for most singles, is that it's nearly impossible to truly integrate with churches - because the church itself doesn't let you. Especially for college students: we're invited to the college ministry, and sometimes that happens in people's houses, but rarely does it happen in their homes.
It makes me hungry for a church like that.
2. Victoria said the following at 5:28 PM on May 28:
I became a Christian in a large student congregation in the UK, and was blessed hugely by the student ministry - my undergraduate years were a time of massive growth. But I suddenly realised I was 21 and didn't know any Christians older than 25 (and very few over 21!). I made the decision to move to the church plant, and a congregation that really resembled a FAMILY.
I come from a non Christian family, and I knew how to be a Christian student, but didn't have a clue how to be a Christian in the workplace, Christian wife, Christian mother. The way to learn these things is to see them in action! I couldn't recommend seeking out a real family congregation highly enough -the wisdom and prayers of the older saints has been invaluable - and I'm sure they have appreciated free babysitters too!
I'm not saying there shouldn't be a distinctive student ministry - thank God I was saved through such a work, but we need to be careful not to segregate students/young people away from the rest of the church - we need each other! The difficulty here I suppose is not adding more Christian meetings to the week, but managing to build a real sense of community (especially when many students are only in town half the year) whilst providing for the specific needs of certain demographic groups. Any ideas?
3. a sassy sister said the following at 5:45 PM on May 28:
I agree with Chris on this one. I think that churches compartmentalize not only based on age, but marital status as well. Is there any way that the church can teach about fellowship and community without making singles think that the best way to do that is to get married and produce as many children as possible?
4. Rachael said the following at 6:13 PM on May 28:
Rubbing elbows with the inter-generationals can happen through serving together and brief Sunday chats, even if the church is full of mostly young people.
Serving together can be a great way to mix with people of varying backgrounds.
And if one person is intentional about friendliness, community, and mixing with differently decade-ed people, this attitude could very well spread...
5. BDB said the following at 7:35 PM on May 28:
This is something I've thought about a lot. The short observation is that segregation by "life stage" is a good way to meet people facing the same issues in life. But the "family" method is a much, much better path to spiritual growth.
When I was 22, I would have loved it if my church had a group of people my age. They didn't, so I ended up in one of those small groups with much older people. I learned a LOT - really made me realize how little I knew about the operational side of life.
And now, I look at the early-20-somethings in my church who DO have a group. They tend to consult their peers only on a decision. Sometimes, I'm surprised at how well things come together. They just re-decorated the sanctuary of our church, and it look nice. Other times...oh my goodness, do these folks have a lot to learn about running things. In fact, I've spent part of today pondering a certain situation where I need to communicate that something isn't working, and I discovered that a lack of experience is creating problems for other people. I don't want to over step my authority, but some young people are very stressed about something easy to fix. I'll find a way to address it, but it definitely needs to be addressed now while it's small.
And I know that there's people 20 years older than me who probably said the same thing about me when I was 22. Oh well.
I will say that my church has always been really easy for me to find places to volunteer. I've heard some people complain that they don't know how to get involved. I'm mystified by this. Churches always have a volunteer shortage. Of my two main things right now, I volunteered for one and I was asked to take over the other one.
Of course, in any volunteer organization, there's a quick way to get them to take you seriously: give more money. In many churches, there are lots of people who don't give at all. So, even in an early career job, a young adult who is tithing will immediately get the attention of some people, starting with the accounting people.
Giving to missions people will get attention, too. Now, is getting attention through giving the right place for your heart to be? Probably not. But people who are financially committed to an organization are always taken more seriously.
Of course, your peers may tell you that you should spend the money on yourself instead. Not that it's happened to me or anything...
6. Kathryn said the following at 7:46 PM on May 28:
After spending 4 years at a church that compartmentalised it's services, so that I only ever attended the one with all the young adults, I've finally broke away and joined a church plant with a much smaller congregation, but a much bigger range of people.
There are so many more benefits to attending this church than there were in my previous one. Just this Sunday past, I was very blessed to receive wisdom and grace for one of the elders. :D
7. Tami said the following at 8:13 PM on May 28:
I was pleasantly surprised by today's article. I thought it was really good... and not what I expected, to tell the truth. I find a great deal of value in generational "mixing" and I think it's a totally appropriate model for church life!
That said, please let's not get carried away in declaring Sunday school classes incapable of building intergenerational bonds. :) I'm a part of one that has ladies in their 20's and early 30's, up to seniors... unmarried, young married, older married, widowed, divorced... with no kids, little kids, grown-up kids... babes in the faith and women of great walks with God. It's a nice cross-section of the adult women of the church and we definitely learn from each other.
8. Claudia said the following at 8:59 PM on May 28:
I agree with you. A good mix is best, of people groups as well as ages. And, as several have commented, the best way to integrate yourself is to be pro-active - by volunteering in ministries that will move you away from your peers and comfort zone.
9. Seth C said the following at 9:03 PM on May 28:
I'm part of a denomination called the Primitive Baptists who typically believe in family oriented worship. I love it and agree with a lot of the points made in today's article. It feels much more Biblical than the model we have in most churches today.
10. Claudia said the following at 9:07 PM on May 28:
A good article & I totally agree. A church needs to reflect the family idea, all ages, but also a mix of ethnic backgrounds is good. As several have mentioned, being pro-active about volunteering in ministries, out of peer groups and comfort zones is a good way to get more involved with all ages.
11. Andrew said the following at 9:25 PM on May 28:
I try to seek out people at church who are older than I am. I don't think I would be very comfortable in a "young adults" group anyway.
12. Brenna said the following at 10:15 PM on May 28:
I grew up in a very small "house church." (Though we don't meet in a house) In the meetings, everyone is present, from the babies to the adults, and everyone learns from the others. We also have participational worship, which means that anyone can offer a song, prayer, or Scripture reading. This type of service is very challenging because it requires you to be prepared for worship and to actively praise the Lord for what He has done, whether it be through song, prayer, or both. I have also learned so much from the people in our fellowship, whether it be from the older and younger brothers preaching and sharing what the Lord has shown them in Scripture or the wisdom and humility of the ladies in our group.
At college, however, I attend a more "traditional" type of church, and though it is "segregated," I still feel like it is truly a body. I attend the college student Sunday school, but my friends and I have also made an effort to be involved in the church and meet people of different ages. Though I think that an "integrated" church is probably the best, I also believe that your level of involvement and actions determine how involved you are with the whole body of Christ, no matter how your church separates into smaller groups.
13. brx said the following at 10:20 PM on May 28:
So, we recognize the need... does the church leadership? Inter-generational requires intentionality and frequent communication. Some very effective things the church leadership can do: regularly print in the church bulletin, what is planned and going on with the college and youth groups. Too often, people only see when the youth/college groups meet and nothing else. If there's a bulletin/activity list for the youth, put crossover activities/ministries on it and make them the thing to do. Staff leaders can actively invite parents and older couples to hang out with the youth/college gatherings regularly. Often, encouraging relationships are first formed by the ministry of presence.
Sadly, connecting inter-generational sometimes just isn't important to the folks in leadership and you have to decide whether God wants you to wait or move on. [rarely an easy decision]
Grace, peace & adventure.
14. Liz said the following at 10:28 PM on May 28:
Good article, overall.
I think the problem with most young adults is that they are just "graduated kids"...or as Dr. Albert Mohler has said in one of your recent articles... "kidults". And these young adults think that we need to be treated really well, when in fact, that's a half-truth. Of course we are treated well...but their definition of such things means a "youth group" for Young Adults. I am definitely against that idea.
As a young adult myself, I believe it is important to not rely on church staff and others to do the work for our group but we should become involved in our own group and make it happen. Of course they can help us by finding someone who has the heart to lead/teach, but it is important to step up.
I think our generation has a problem with the servant attitude... you can be servant in certain areas, but not others. I've discovered that most college-age and young adults do not get involved in the church at all and do not make an effort beyond the confines of the "Young Adult/College/Career" group. I think that one result of such thoughts is the 20s/30s churches, or what I'd rather term as the "Hipster Churches", are great churches and have a lot going for them... but lacks the community that SHOULD be there with all ages.
My heart is so broken for the overall generation of Young Adults... My church is so wonderful with all of the different ages in it. We've got so many young families with beautiful children, and TONS of senior adults...and I absolutely adore them. There aren't a whole lot of people who are my age...a good number, but not a "huge" amount. Why? There are churches that are much more "youth group like" out there. And that's great. I like what they do. But when they get confine and secluded, I highly disagree. We are so blessed at this age right now... sure we don't have "a lot of time" in our minds, but God has blessed us to be at this amazing age where we can be leaders and really relate to so many different ages... sacrificing our time and help when possible, and to learn from both older and younger.
What can we do? I don't know really... I just have a strong desire to encourage people to strive to know the Lord and serve Him. I think that ultimately it comes down to the fact that humans are very selfish and it's very noticeable in this post-modern age. I'm selfish too, I'll be the first to admit that. And sure I do wrong quite a bit... but I just desire to see young adults step up, and get involved in their churches! Get to know the people there!
All this said because I've learned the true blessing of being at a church where one is very involved: I have SO many "parental" figures and "grandparent" figures. And then there are so many amazing young families who kids are just the funniest thing to come up to you with hugs...and blessing them by helping them out with babysitting once in a while. Gosh... I speak from experience the joy that one can find if they get involved in church and people. Know and seek the Lord... and only good can come out of that. :)
(sorry for long post...maybe too many rabbit trails... )
15. DannieA said the following at 11:34 PM on May 28:
I think not attending many funerals or knowing older people is primarily an American thing (meaning middle class caucasian)...I'm Hispanic and I can't count the number of funerals I've been to. When friends of family pass away, all of us go, friends of our parents do nose around in my affairs and I have a good relationship with them at this point even if they are older. Yeah I like socializing with my peers at church for Bible class...but I don't get the fact how people don't just know each other...I think I'm really glad that my particular denomination really focuses on all ages of people from children to older and on education....I think it really brings forth balanced people.
As a single person, I feel very accepted at my church...and yes sometimes people try to find someone for me, but it's not done in a condescending manner.
ok now I'm just blabbering away.
16. Don said the following at 1:13 AM on May 29:
A few years ago, my church tried having an intergenerational meeting on Wednesday nights during the summer. We would have dinner in the gym, and then the meeting would follow. We'd play games to get to know the other people at the table, and then have a lesson taguht by a rotating group of people.
While my family, and several others in the church, made an active attempt to mix things up and sit with different groups of people, many others wanted to sit with their "Sunday School class." In fact, the senior citizens wanted to separate from the rest of the group and do their own thing again. It was really depressing to see the older members of the church so unwilling to break routine and do something with the younger generations. Of course, this was not all of the seniors, but it was a majority.
What can we do to make things relevant for all groups of people. We wouldn't want to dumb things down, or go over anyone's head either. It seems that it's not an easy balance to reach.
17. A. said the following at 8:04 AM on May 29:
In this particular case I don't think its related to age or marital status - (well beyond age as an issue of working vs retired) because most of us just can't take off everytime there is a funeral in our church... My parents are the same way - as far as I know they haven't been to a non family member's funeral in the last 10 years... I had a professional mentor pass away not long after I started at my current position, and I really wanted to attend her funeral - but in this particular case it was also 3 hours away and I had no vacation time yet to take even if it had been in town...
18. Holly (the single, non-parent one) said the following at 9:34 AM on May 29:
THIS is good stuff. I would love to find one of these age-integrated churches. The rationale is solid and the lack of being isolated as a single adult would be welcome.
19. faye said the following at 10:09 AM on May 29:
Thank you for writing about this topic; it's very close to my heart!
May I suggest that unity and crossing generational gaps starts in the heart.
Continue to think the church (which is comprised of ... well people from every walk of life) is out to alienate you, hurt you and keep you away from true love in fellowship, and you'll only succeed in distancing yourself from the body of Christ Himself.
I used to think older people in the church just wanted me to get married and make babies and get the perfect job and so on... but I was very wrong. And even if they were thinking that, those are good things, aren't they?
Now I'm looking at older people as gifts in my life, and I hope to gain more wisdom from what they have to say. If, for some reason I think they are judging me, I try to take a hard look at the situation, talk with them about it and search my own heart to find Jesus in it all.
20. DannieA said the following at 11:06 AM on May 29:
A
do you mean that all the funerals are always during the daytime? I guess that could affect...a lot of the funerals I've been to have been on the weekend or in the evening.
21. Gina said the following at 11:42 AM on May 29:
I'm all for intergenerational mixing in church -- the more the better. I think some churches are making progress in this area, but there's still a lot of room for improvement.
Often when I'm working in the church nursery, I get questions from other workers about my kids. They seem truly startled when I say I don't have any. A non-parent working with little children? Good heavens!
I always feel like asking them, what's the big deal? Why isn't the rest of the church encouraging more singles to do this? It helps give some of the parents a break, it gives us a chance to do something we don't normally do, and it's great training for us in case we ever have children of our own!
22. Hannah C. said the following at 11:47 AM on May 29:
I'm blessed to be part of a church which, while not completely integrated, is moving that way. The youth are separated, but as far as I know the adults are not - anyone from out of the youth group up goes to the adult Bible study, and anyone 18 or older can go to the women's or men's fellowship lunches/breakfasts if they want. Probably if some of the youth wanted to go, they would also be welcome.
I think a lot of it, at this particular church, has to do with how much people are willing to reach out. I'm sure I could develop friendships with one or two of the married ladies with children younger than me. I'm still in the youth group, even though I'm a year too old (I started coming to this church's youth group after my high school graduation). That's been a huge blessing.
Public/private schools tend to segregate people by age - you stay within your *grade*. I think that attitude stays with us a bit too much.
23. BDB said the following at 12:33 PM on May 29:
Don (#16) wrote:
>>We'd play games to get to know the other people at the table, and then have a lesson taguht by a rotating group of people. <<
You know, Bunco is good for this. It's fun from a competitive standpoint. But it's also clearly designed as a mixer - you pretty much are guarateed to talk to everyone in the room over the course of the evening. It's not a teaching time.
For several years my church did a regular bunco night. A couple of people brought their "tween" children. Who actually were very good players. But someone complained about non-adults being there. I never found out who...
24. Christina (in green) said the following at 12:45 PM on May 29:
This was a good article :)
Personally, this is where I want to get involved - I want to help re-shift the focus of women's ministries so that the Old ladies aren't the only ones doing sewing club, and the mothers' group isn't so limited to married, stay-at-home moms...and that those aren't the only ministries available by the women's ministry. When I was young, my mom's mothers' group was very dynamic in their approach. If one of the older women in the church was sick, or if there was a younger woman who was sick or just had a baby, the whole group got together and delivered lunch or dinner to the home, and some would stay and help with some cleaning.
When I was in middle school, our youth group would do all our fundraising by cleaning the yards of the older members of our church. It was a great inter-generational thing to do...and it was so much fun.
However, somewhere along the line, something changed - the focus shifted, leaving us less inclined to interact with one another like that. It was subtle...and now that the shift is complete, its disappointing...
My biggest issue, though, is the unwillingness I find in older women to take up discipleship and mentoring...or the lack of insight in pastors and priests, where when a young woman comes to them expressing an interest to get involved, they feel that THEY are the ones to do the discipling... and often it comes down to the young woman remaining more disconnected than ever because the pastor/priest realizes that that approach isn't healthy or appropriate.
25. Julia H said the following at 1:11 PM on May 29:
Thanks for publishing this excellent article. The subject is dear to my heart. I am so grateful that God lent me to the small, inter-generational church that he did. I have been hugely blessed by interacting with children, youth, marrieds, singles, and seniors.
This is an opportunity that I didn't have growing up. We were segregated from birth in that church. We were expected to go from the nursery, to sunday school, to youth group, to young adults, to singles, to the young marrieds group and so on.
There are some drawbacks to being in a small church, but if you want to really feel like you belong in the church family, nothing beats it.
26. Julia H said the following at 1:30 PM on May 29:
One of the best ways to foster community is to practice the Christian virtues of hospitality and service. It does take some effort on your part. If everyone is used to being separated into their "catagory" they are probably feeling just as isolated and clueless as you are.
Some ideas:
#1 PRAY about it
Invite a single mom and her kids over for supper.
Offer to babysit for a middle-aged couple who are struggling in their marriage.
Make friends with a few teenagers and go minigolfing.
Offer to drive elderly widows to doctor's appointments.
Mow your pastor's lawn.
Volunteer to sing at the old folk's home.
Go on a short term missions trip.
Smile and say hi to people you don't know at church on Sunday.
Stick around for a few minutes after service and look for someone who appears to be lonely. Talk to them.
Run an Alpha course or all-ages and stages welcome Bible study from your apartment.
Offer to organize a meet and greet for your church at a local park. Emphasize that anyone and everyone is welcome. Send out handmade invitations.
Get a church directory and send a Christmas card to each family or person listed. Include a nice personal note. If you don't know them, just say, "I'd really like to meet you sometime."
Pray through your church directory. Everyone has some need. You may not know what it is or who they are, but the Spirit will intercede in that for you when you pray.
27. Tami said the following at 2:22 PM on May 29:
I love Julia H's suggestions, especially regarding the cards.
To add on: You can also do this with prayer requests (if your church makes these available to the general congregation). Buy a box of "thinking of you," "praying for you," or "get well" cards and send them out with a note when you hear of someone's illness or request for prayer.
For getting together... potlucks are great. Scrapbooking events are good too (if you're so inclined). And think about doing a "ladies' night" where you invite a bunch of women who don't normally interact with one another. Issue the invitation (via email or phone or in person), and say "If you can think of someone else who might like to come, let me know and I'll invite her, too!" It's a lot of fun to see a big group of Christian women hanging out and having fun!
And if your church has women's events, reach out to the high school girls you know and invite them. If they aren't "supposed" to come, you might want to ask the women who run these events to include them.
Sure, these aren't automatic "fixes" for churches where everyone tends to stay in their comfort zones, but it does go a decent way in getting people to mix, and seeing that it's fun!
********
One of the problems about being too "categorized" is that you're forever creating ministries for those various categories. If you view your church as one body, then you start thinking WAY more creatively about activities, events, and ministries that can involve the entire church. It's so much more enjoyable that way. :) So even though my church has no "single's ministries" (for which I'm actually thankful) and there are about 5 guys that are never married and in their mid-20's and 40's (I mean that literally -- no 30's) and no one has dropped to his knees just yet ;), I still enjoy it so much more than I ever did when I was searching out a church that met my "age-stage" needs.
28. Jim H said the following at 4:13 PM on May 29:
I really enjoy mixing in with married folks, and our church enables that with home-based small groups which purposely mix in singles and couples into the same groups.
I hate to say this, but the "older" singles-only groups I have attended (35+) have many people who are either dysfunctional or baggage laden and bitter. Of course, there are always exceptions to this general rule, but it is sometimes a downer to participate in these classes. Although, I know I should nontheless go to these classes because of the opportunity to minister to some of these hurting people, I still prefer to hang out with my married friends who are generally more content and "normal."
29. Elizabeth said the following at 4:50 PM on May 29:
Interesting article; the churches I've attended over the years have delt with this issue in a variety of issues. I'm thankful that the church I attended while I college was very multi-generational. Some of my best memories from there are sitting behind the same older couple each week and getting a hug every Sunday.
My current church doesn't have many people over 40, but we wish we did. I'm thankful, though, that I'm able to get to know the moms and dads in my church and learn from them. I love baby-sitting for the kids at my church and hanging out with the families--it's fun, educational and gets me outside my bubble of being with others who are just like me.
30. Bethany said the following at 5:49 PM on May 29:
The National Center for Family Integrated Churches has a website, and a whole database of family-integrated fellowships across the country. Voddie Baucham is significantly involved in this organization.
http://www.visionforumministries.org/projects/ncfic/
31. Rachael said the following at 5:59 PM on May 29:
P.S. to my comment (#4).
Yes, intergenerational community is something neat, and even if a church is predominantly made up of people from a particular generation, there is likely a few strays outside that particular generation. So if someone feels tempted to feel down about being in a church that is all their generation but chooses to stay at that church, they could look for those in the age minority.
But let's say there's a church that literally only contains people within 1 or 2 different generations due to location or style or what have you...
Even if that's the case, if the fruits of the Spirit or being activated in the community, it should all work out okay. Being of different ages doesn't automatically mean that the people of those different ages or closer or further from God.
Of course if people form friendships with people from varying age groups, their perspectives can be fuller and more open. But even if a church is multigenerational it doesn't mean everyone is interacting with one another.
I think love is a very important ingredient in any church regardless of whether or not it's body has seeming diversity or not. Even if a church was chalk full of the same age of a person, there is varying experience there as well.
But whatever one's situation, I hope that my last paragraph of comment #4 is true...even if the situation is one where there isn't a huge variety in age. If the fruits of the Spirit are in abundance, they might keep multiplying as other people get ideas from the way others' live out the fruits....
Sorry if this is confusing, but I guess my point is that perhaps the living out of the fruits of the Spirit should supercede age issues.
32. Jordan Peacock said the following at 7:26 PM on May 29:
I was frankly shocked that every small group setup I found in the states when I moved here was thematic (mothers with infants, seniors, young single adult men with interests in burritos and road luge. I grew up with cell/small groups being families; a single Sudanese grandmother, an ambassador and her family from Zimbabwe, a Filipino family with 3 teenagers, and older couple with children outside the home.
It wasn't until my first Christarchy meeting (the S. Minneapolis one) that I saw this in action: inter-racial couples, babies, a widower around 60 or 70, a yuppie entrepreneur, anarchists from Duluth who'd hitchhiked, young couples, an older guy on parole....it was a beautiful picture of building the body, where one is with whom one is with.
In our own apartment building we have a middle-aged woman to the one side, an elderly couple in their 80s to the other, a Somali Muslim family across the way. Another African family lives above, a Minnesota blue-collar family below.
These are the people who we are called to commune with, and reach out to. There is struggle and difficulty doing this, but it's beautiful and worthwhile.
33. Pinon Coffee said the following at 2:29 PM on Jun 5:
There's not really any treasure like attending the church you grew up in. It's not always possible, but it's sure cool when the ladies at your wedding shower have known you for 2o years, and range from ages 6 through 70-some-odd. :-)
It's also really nice for wedding planning: lots of help! :-D