Cohabiting Coeds
by Motte Brown on 05/08/2008 at 1:46 PM
Once coed dormitories became the norm on college campuses, you had to know it was only a matter of time before male and female students were allowed to room together. I guess college administrators felt that sharing floors and bathrooms just wasn't enough to completely destroy gender distinctions.
Here's an excerpt from an MSNBC article one of our readers sent us:
In the prim 1950s, college dorms were off-limits to members of the opposite sex. Then came the 1970s, when male and female students started crossing paths in coed dormitories. Now, to the astonishment of some Baby Boomer parents, a growing number of colleges are going even further: coed rooms.
At least two dozen schools, including Brown University, the University of Pennsylvania, Oberlin College, Clark University and the California Institute of Technology, allow some or all students to share a room with anyone they choose — including someone of the opposite sex. This spring, as students sign up for next year's room, more schools are following suit, including Stanford University.
What's next? Clothes-optional dorms and classes?
On the next The Boundless Show, guest contributor Suzanne Hadley makes the point that staying overnight with a member of the opposite isn't just about sexual temptation, it's about sharing an intimacy that's reserved for marriage. And the more you do things outside of God's design, the more likely it is that you'll never know its real meaning.
But Ivory Tower elitists don't know or care about stuff like that. And college isn't just about learning anymore. It's about gender blending.
1. IMO said the following at 2:14 PM on May 8:
Yea I read this too. I'm annoyed, but not surprised by this. If you don't have a Christ-centered worldview, anything is possible. Anything can be pushed from conservative to liberal; from "taboo" to "normal."
2. Jo said the following at 2:18 PM on May 8:
I don't really understand how this relates to gender-bending or the other 'shocking' things you compare it to...
While I agree that coed rooms would be outside of God's design (coed dorms wouldn't necessarily, in my opinion), the idea doesn't shock, surprise or even particularly grieve me. Fact is, college students are going to sleep with each other whether they're allowed to share rooms or not. Presumably those sharing rooms would either be 'platonic' friends, or couples in committed relationships, which worries me far less than the idea of a college culture of casual sex and one night stands.
3. Becca said the following at 2:19 PM on May 8:
I was just reading recently about a practice called "bundling" that was apparently very common in certain parts of America during the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries (and in Europe before that).
As part of courtship, parents would arrange for the young man and woman to spend the night together, usually in bed - but under their supervision, with their clothes on, with separate blankets, and so on.
(There's a Wikipedia article about it - be sure to check out the links at the bottom. And Googling "bundling" turns up many other fascinating articles about early American courtship practices.)
The book "At Day's Close" (also cited in bundling article) is also well worth reading. It's a well-researched, readable study of night-time practices of the past - including the fact that, more often than not, you'd be sharing a bed with someone - whether family member, friend, or stranger - whenever you went to bed. It's a really fascinating read.
[Also, come on - "the Ivory Tower elitists"? Some of us out here in Boundlessland are academic types - don't demonize us!]
4. Louise said the following at 2:28 PM on May 8:
I personally don't see a big problem
with the concept presented in the post.
If a university has policies that are against a particular person's principles, then that person should attend another school.
5. Jared said the following at 2:37 PM on May 8:
I come from New Zealand, where a culture of 'cohabitation' of young singles in the norm. Here, we call it flatting, where a group of guys and girls will get a house, and have a room each, splitting the rent. Generally sharing a room with another of the opposite sex is reserved for those who are in relationships whom are not christians, and by far the majority of christians would draw the line at that.
As a christian, i have no problem with coed flatting, in fact, out of all the flats i have been in, the most functional ones have been the mixed ones. All guys flats bring there own disfunction as well as all girls. Mixed flats seem to balance it out. I am recently married, but after 7 years of mixed flatting since i have left home, i would actually recommend it over single sex flatting. I have never in my time as a mixed flatter come across any situations where people have been 'led into temptation' as a result of mixed flatting.
Personally i think if there is a cultural normality around mixed flatting as there is here in NZ, then people just dont see the big deal. If you try to suggest that mixed flatting is wrong to the majority of christians here in NZ, you will most likely get strange looks back as though that is a ludicrous postulation.
6. Matthew said the following at 2:40 PM on May 8:
Um, actually I think this is not so much about heterosexual men and women being able to sleep together, but more that homosexual, transgender, or whatever-they-wanna-call-it folks can room with someone that they're more comfortable with (i.e. not a member of the sex that they are attracted to.) So I don't know if that's worse or better from your perspective... it just makes me sad.
7. BDB said the following at 2:44 PM on May 8:
This is news?
Way back when I was in college, we had a joke about the "girls" dorm...it wasn't if you pulled the fire alarm at 5 in the morning.
It wasn't until my senior year that I realized that the "quiet" dorm had actually been quietly taken over by mostly Christians (and music majors) who then imposed somewhat more modest rules via democratic vote of the residents. I had a closet to myself that year - it was very nice.
Only the basement bathroom was co-ed. Everyone learned to knock. The six of us on that floor anyway.
8. stan said the following at 3:18 PM on May 8:
I've had about 8 roomies in my life, and my favorite one was a girl. And she had a boyfriend. Was there sexual tension? Maybe some, but our close friendship was more than enough compensation for some slight and infrequent awkwardness. Not to mention the fact that I've heard a LOT of girls talk how they hate living with other girls, for a variety of reasons. There seems to be this view that slight sexual tension is the most horrible thing that can happen to a guy and a girl. I'm not sure why this is so. In today's culture anyone who wants to have sex can, so having guys and girls living together is not going to somehow corrupt anyone's morals. Not to mention that this is merely an option, one that can be refused in favor of more "traditional" housing.
9. brx said the following at 3:37 PM on May 8:
Louise (#4),
The problem is that a vast majority of freshman college students do not yet have well developed principles - much less, Biblical ones. For many students the environment they're in and the relationships formed during those years have a very significant impact on forming their world-view and thus, the lives they lead.
I think it's a vital ministry for local churches to be encouraging healthy inter-generational relationships with students. Particularly to help them sort out the influences in their lives.
Grace & peace & adventure!
10. (Canadian) Andrew R. said the following at 3:40 PM on May 8:
I have no issue with it. Some people are just really good friends with a member of the opposite sex, so they want to room together. And gay students could benefit from it- actually we were discussing this in residence: if a university's dorm rooms are all single-sex double-rooms, how should it deal with gay and lesbian students?
I think this is a solution.
11. Rachael said the following at 3:42 PM on May 8:
I assume there's often a humongo difference between living in co-ed dorms/co-ed houses/'flats' and co-ed rooms.
On another but slightly related note, I think I heard that a particular couple lived in the same house as one of the sets of parents before marriage. Most likely this was carried out in a very careful way, and I think both couples are strong Christians. It seems there would be definite advantages to seeing how a potential maate lives in day-to-day life, though of course it doesn't have to be done in ways related to shared living habitats.
But still, for the most part I'm definitely not in support of unmarried Christians sharing rooms with a non-family member who is of the opposite sex. The reason I add "for the most part" is just in case there are instances in which there is only one room for many people to live in, or in situations in which many people of both genders share a room for a short-term trip or something.
12. Christina (in green) said the following at 3:52 PM on May 8:
brx, interesting point.
My college was church-affiliated, but by no means was it a christian school.
There were some rules that had to be imposed to keep our funding, but so incredibly loose that anything could still happen.
The one thing the DID do, which was definitly one-up on them:
College Freshmen HAD to be in same-sex dormitories.
They also had stricter visitation policies than the rest of the campus.
The sorority houses had similar stricter visitation policies per sorority standards than the rest of the campus (minus the freshman dorms).
13. Kim said the following at 4:03 PM on May 8:
Whatever happened to living above reproach?
14. Colette said the following at 4:03 PM on May 8:
I can understand having co-ed dorms...with different floors being guys and girls, it's basically like an apartment complex.
I have a problem with co-ed rooms because I think it could end up pushing loose morals on those who don't wish for that to happen. For instance, if a bathroom is shared between two dorm-rooms, and one of the rooms is co-ed (& the other isn't), then the girls in the one room are forced to share their bathroom with a guy. I just think it could lead to a lot of problems.
15. Jethro said the following at 4:30 PM on May 8:
Interesting that college age students are old enough to go to war but apparently not old enough to share a room with someone of the opposite sex. Go figure...
16. BDB said the following at 4:37 PM on May 8:
Colette (#14) wrote:
>>then the girls in the one room are forced to share their bathroom with a guy. I just think it could lead to a lot of problems.<<
You mean like when the guy in the other room officially has a "single" so his girlfriend is living with him, and your room is sharing the suite bathroom...
Not that it's happened to me or anything...
17. Jacob said the following at 5:08 PM on May 8:
Kim (#13),
I share your sentiments. We're called to avoid the appearance of evil.
18. Jason said the following at 5:21 PM on May 8:
College is a waste of time for serious Christians, IMHO. Yeah, you get the cultural blending and you do get the education... if you're serious about hunting it down yourself... but you can get "cultural blending" where ever you choose to work, eat, live, worship and who you choose to befriend. You can get an education in late charges at the public library. You don't have to go drop half a 100k or more in student loans that will take you forever to pay back just for "experiences" you can get simply by living your life.
19. Lissa said the following at 5:27 PM on May 8:
I'm assuming most of the people who read this blog are Christians, and if so, then it's surprising to me how many Christians have no problem with co-ed sleeping arrangements. If you're secular, then it doesn't really matter anyway, so I can't say I'm really surprised by the policies of the colleges, but I am surprised by a lot of Christian's reactions in applying it to themselves. Even if it's a cultural norm, aren't we supposed to set ourselves apart from the world. Where do we draw the line?
Another thing no one has mentioned that has occured to me is how it will affect the students, Christian or not, who DON'T feel comfortable sharing a room, bathroom, or otherwise with a member of the opposite sex. I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of students would prefer same-sex living arrangements, but now they're gonna feel awkward--or old fashioned--saying so. To make a few people happy, it doesn't seem fair to make a lot of other people unhappy or uncomfortable. And while they might have a choice now, where is this going to lead to ten years or so down the road?
20. Colette said the following at 5:55 PM on May 8:
"And college isn't just about learning anymore. It's about gender blending."
I disagree with the above statement. It is way too broad to be applied to the majority of colleges out there. I've been in college for the last 9 years of my life and, while there is an overemphasis on diversity, in general when attending college I have never gotten the idea that college is focused on "gender-blending." (And I've attended public, research I universities, for 90% of my schooling)
21. Louise said the following at 6:23 PM on May 8:
Quote from comment 9:
"I think it's a vital ministry for local churches to be encouraging healthy inter-generational relationships with students. Particularly to help them sort out the influences in their lives."
I ask the following question:
Why should churches get involved with the rules/policies of universities?
I went to a public university...any involvement by a church would have been considered a violation of the separation or church and state.
You are familiar with that concept, aren't you?
22. Claire said the following at 7:28 PM on May 8:
I agree with Kim (post #13). A lot of the responses I am reading, (of which I assume are by those who call themselves Christians) are no different than I would expect from non-Christians... This grieves me because Christ says to flee from all temptation and anything that would even be a hint of sexual immorality. Also, if non-believers see Christians living together will they think "oh they're different than us? I wonder why?" Nope. What do people mean living in the same house would mean no temptation? When we think we're not vulnerable to sin, that's exactly when satan tempts us the most.. anyone read Screwtape Letters lately?
23. anu said the following at 7:42 PM on May 8:
just so everyone knows, these housing policies are only for upperclassmen, and not freshmen. And even then, only if requested. No one will ever get "assigned" to a roommate of the opposite sex. A college close to mine, Washington University is doing it next year. From what I've heard at other schools, they haven't had much problems, not even with couples fighting or breaking up mid-year.
24. Jacob said the following at 8:11 PM on May 8:
Jason (#18)
Have you been through college and thus offering an informed opinion or are you just shooting from the hip?
Speaking as someone who graduated from college, my experiences differ drastically from the picture you paint. I don't think I could have gained the wisdom that I did from my professors from very many other places. My college experience and education encouraged and developed my identity as a male and did nothing to sow confusion. Certainly there are institutions of (supposed) higher education that your statements could be rightly applied to, but to make such a sweeping statement as "college is a waste of time for serious Christians" is unwise. I can't begin to say how much I grew spiritually in college, and I didn't even go to a Christian one.
25. Louise said the following at 8:18 PM on May 8:
Re comment 19,
No one should ever feel "awkward or old-fashioned" about requesting a single-sex dorm or a more traditional living arrangment.
There were co-ed dorms when I attend college in the 1980s (only single-sex bathrooms, though) but there were just as many single-sex dormitories on the campus!
Anyone who would look down on someone for requesting a single-sex living arrangement is just showing his/her own immaturity....people have different comfort levels and mature adults should recognize and respect that fact.
26. Sarah said the following at 8:26 PM on May 8:
"It wasn't until my senior year that I realized that the "quiet" dorm had actually been quietly taken over by mostly Christians (and music majors) who then imposed somewhat more modest rules via democratic vote of the residents."
BDB- Being a musician myself, I find this highly amusing!
I'm not too sure (being a a current college student myself) how I feel about this whole coed housing. I wouldn't feel too comfortable living with someone of the opposite sex, but most colleges have housing options to my knowledge such as being able request to have a roommate of the same sex. The coed thing would still happen regardless because students can move off campus and live in their own apartment. That being said, the whole coed housing could put a damper on those who have suite rooms, thus requiring them to share super personal space with someone they know very little or at all.
I am mostly saddened by the temptation that this could cause but I'm sure we're all had our share of roommates' "guests" spending the night.
*rolls eyes* I guess it would keep that from happening...
27. Tara said the following at 9:04 PM on May 8:
I too am dismayed by the blaise responese by fellow Christians to coed habitations. I support Kim's (comment #13) stance of living above reproach. Non-Christians definately will not believe the claim "nothing is happening". And yes, what they think does matter to a certain extent. Remember Who we're representing. While I am sure many Christians are capable of avoiding the fall into temptation why make it harder for ourselves?
Sexual purity--either the actual pracitice or the appearance of it--seems not to matter any more and that makes me really sad. Perhaps I'm overreacting but sometimes it feels like noone is even trying anymore. While I'm glad the Church is finally getting past branding every mistake with a "Scarlet-Letter" let's not get carried away and do as the Corinthians where "everything is permissable".
"When we think we're not vulnerable to sin, that's exactly when satan tempts us the most.. "
Precisely.
28. Lissa said the following at 10:08 PM on May 8:
Amen, Claire! (#22) That's basically what I was trying to say, but I think you said it better.
Oh, and I just read the Screwtape Letters. An great book, every Christian (or non-Christian, for that matter) should read it. I love C.S. Lewis.
To Jethro, #15:
Please, give me a break. College age students can do whatever they want. College itself is a choice, for most. But college is an institution that is supposed to primarily be about learning. If students want to do their own thing, party, live co-ed, or whatever, they can do that on their own time. Why make a policy that is going to affect students that come from a wide range of backgrounds and values. We're talking about the impact on society, and how the focus of the university is changing, not what students should and should not be legally allowed to do.
To Anu, #23: Thanks for clarifying, but again, where is this going to lead a few years down the road? I'm thinking of the students who are uncomfortable with the situation, which could easily get more prevalent and common, but are too shy to speak up and cause a stir.
29. Leah said the following at 12:17 AM on May 9:
Louise- if a university has policies which go against biblical ideas (not just a "person's principles"), then we should be standing up against it, whether we attend that university or not. (NB: With that statement, I am not commenting on the concept included in the OP, just the concept of ignoring policies we don't like).
In regards to the OP:
My initial reaction is yes and no.
I don't think coed rooms are a good idea, simply because of the principle. Also, I think it's particularly bad for Christians, because we should be setting ourselves apart from the world, even if the action itself is not inherently bad- if it might give a bad impression of a Christian, it's probably a bad idea.
That said, I think there are many aspects to take into consideration when it comes to members of the opposite sex sharing a room together overnight.
I know Christian people who have lived in coed share houses. In one instance, it was a guy, his sister, and another girl (who all grew up together in a different town) and moved here for uni and got a house together.
In another instance, it was a girl and her brother who moved in with two of the brother's friends. (Both male).
In ANOTHER case, it was three girls sharing a house and the younger brother of one of the girls.
As it turned out, the brother from the first house and the sister from the second ended up switching houses (because they all became friends through the christian group on campus), but not after the intial living arrangement had gone on for 1 or 2 years.
I also went to many over-nighters when I was in highschool with my coed group of friends. Sometimes it was at a girl's house; sometimes a guy's. My (Christian) parents always knew whose house i was at.
I think that living co-ed with other Christians can be ok in certain circumstances; like the examples I gave, there were sisters/brothers involved- I find it unlikely there'll be any 'hanky-panky' going on among Christians, when a sibling lives in the same house, when everyone has their own room!
I also think one-off overnighters are fine, among Christians or non-Christians. (My group of friends contained only one other Christian, aside from myself). Whenever I was asleep in the same room as a guy, there were at least 3 other people asleep in the room with us!
So, given those circumstances, I don't think that sleeping in the same room as someone of the opposite sex is necessarily sharing an intimacy that should be reserved for marriage. In a room with anywhere between 3 and 12 other teenagers (seeing as we were in highschool at the time), there's really not much room for intimacy there. And in a house with siblings and own rooms, it's also unlikely intimacy will occur there.
On the other hand, regularly sleeping in the same room (not just same floor or same house) is a recipe for trouble, and crosses intimacy boundaries.
30. Michelle (in the UK) said the following at 3:09 AM on May 9:
This is my opinion...a bit on and a bit off topic...
When are we going to stop conforming to the world? I mean, seriously? Christian or not...why do schools? businesses etc have to accomodate everyone!?
I just don't get it.
As a Christian I really don't agree with the co-ed rooms. That's just not a good idea...
When it comes to what the Kiwi said about Flatting...i agree there. I live in a co-ed house. I have my own room and my male flatmates don't come in. However, this experience has been one of the best. I've learned a lot from living with the guys (one married couple, and another guy) in this house and others. In fact, like the other comment, my co-ed house worked out the best!
I believe there is a difference between say Me and Joe sharing a house and Me, joe, Stu and Jane sharing a house (not a room)...it's a different family like dynamic.
Saying this, I wouldn't share a flat with just a guy, and NEVER a room...that's looking for trouble.
I think the main issue, after all that opinion, goes back to the fact that this is conforming to the world, it's accomodating whatever people want and not making anything "absolute"...Do what you want, be what you want. That's not really freedom.
31. Jo said the following at 4:42 AM on May 9:
Jason (#18),
You seem to be forgetting that several professions require a degree. Or perhaps you think teaching, medicine etc are not appropriate careers for 'serious Christians'?
32. Jo said the following at 4:47 AM on May 9:
Claire, Jacob, Kim -
Are coed dorms wrong as well then, in your opinions? I never actually lived at college and I'm not American so I'm not 100% sure what coed dorms would entail... but for example my brother is at uni and shares a large student house with another guy and two girls. All are friends, not romantically involved. Would you consider this kind of arrangement a problem for Christians?
33. PLH said the following at 7:21 AM on May 9:
I think some of the fears expressed are a bit overblown since in many cultures, an entire family lives in one room. The concept of single-sex rooms depends on a large enough house to support this. That said, I don't think it's wise given the oversexualization of American culture. In most cultures, I don't think the temptation would be as great since more sexual taboos existed about premarital pregnancy. In the US, of course, premarital sex has not such taboos and our culture is saturated with sex. So, while in some cultures I think it would be fine, it's not a wise idea for college students.
34. Eliza said the following at 8:05 AM on May 9:
I feel like everyone is forgetting that these are secular schools who give non-Christians the option of sharing a mixed-gender room. There is no incentive for non-Christians to live "above reproach" in this sense because they have no reason to. I don't see what the problem is where private universities make their own choices about dorm life. If someone is afraid that they're going to get sucked into sin or something, they should go to a Christian school.
35. John D. said the following at 8:35 AM on May 9:
I lived in a coed dorm in college in the 1980s. It never occurred to me that I was not "living above reproach" since I was not actually doing anything wrong. (I lived in a single room by myself, and no females ever came to visit me, as much because of my lack of social skills as my Christian convictions.)
Actually, what I discovered was that seeing my female hallmates in the bathroom in the early morning killed any possible romantic or sexual interest I might have had in them.
36. Sarah P. said the following at 8:54 AM on May 9:
As someone who has been in plenty of all-female rooming and housing situations, I am curious what Jared (#5) thinks is the problem with such scenarios. I am in a house right now with four other women - have been for almost a year - and we enjoy each other and our widely diverse personalities. I personally would not want to have men mixed in day-in, day-out. It would greatly limit the true humor of many of our conversations, and I think it would increase the daily stress level. Logically, I don't see much benefit in living with unnecessary sexual tension.
What are the benefits of coed dorms as a living situation? Are there any? Seems to me that the only positive benefit is that it makes it easier for admissions staff - housing is set up for any ratio of men to women. For living in order to learn, I see few benefits.
37. a sassy sister said the following at 9:08 AM on May 9:
I guess this post makes me ask questions of Motte's views, since he is the author of this blog post:
1.) What is the point of this post? Is it to increase awareness about the promotion of immoral policies of secular academic institutions, particularly college campuses?
2.)In order to prevent or stop "gender blending", do you think it most beneficial to not only have have same sex dorms for students and firm visitation policies, but also same sex classrooms as well?
3.)In your opinion, what is your concept of an ideal living/academic environment for both young men and women in college?
38. Katie B said the following at 9:52 AM on May 9:
brx: the ministry of the church should be to teach people the word and wisdom of God so that they make Godly choices. If its about legistalting the bad choices out then the churches have failed to speak to the heart of people. After all, our faith isnt about rules and not making mistakes, its about relationship and mercy and growth.
to those who wish to live above reproach: I dont see how never having the option tomake the wrong decision means living above reproach, it just means that you dont have to think about what the Godly decision is.
I went to a secular school for my first degree that was 75% male (out of about 400 students), there werent enough women for seperate dorms. While I am very glad they had seperate bathrooms, the only problems I had were a guy trying to strongarm his way into my room (he stalked my roomate briefly) and a professor who showed up to 'visit' one evening. I tended to request rooms that were actually away from the cluster of girls rooms in my building because of the noise they made. after living in a girls dorm at my school now I had to move off to escape the drama, noise, and overall disrespect. In my coed dorms I had the most respectful neighbors.
I had to actually try to live above repraoch, I made mistakes, I was a baby christian at the time. BUt we see throughout the scriptures that it is about living your faith in the world, not creating your safe bubble from the world.
39. Elizabeth said the following at 10:04 AM on May 9:
The post was not surprising, just dissapointing. The idea that the "best" schools, the ones that you vie for and look really great on a resume (Stanford, etc.) are allowing this? Ugh.
But what really grieved me was reading the comments. It's no big deal?! What?!!! Where is the purity? We are called to be salt and light, both of which are life giving and PURIFYING. In fact, according to Matt. 5:14 we ARE the light. Looks pretty dim at the moment.
The fact is, secular institutions gradually and consistently conform to the lowest common denominator, and then they go bunk. The ones that have succeeded maintian a certain standard and never lower, although they may change their format, etc.
As Believers we are called to live HOLY lives. Holiness is the highest denominator possible. No question. Can I live a holy life in a co-ed room? Possibly.
But I can't trust myself to that. Or ask him to.
All that to say, if I had a scholarship to Stanford (a school I was very interested in) and they required me to live on-campus, in a co-ed dorm room, I think I would have to refuse. As much as it would pain me, I'd have to. There is simply no way I can reconcile what I see as Christ-like living (isn't that what CHRISTianty is?) and sharing a room w/ a guy.
40. Jonathan said the following at 10:13 AM on May 9:
Reading through all the comments posted so far a couple things stood out to me: 1) Most do not have an issue with anything other than co-ed rooms...not co-ed dorms or houses. I think this is a big distinction since the dorm rooms that I am familiar with allow for no privacy. There is just about no way that you are going to hide anything from your roommate...at least that was my experience. As for families sharing rooms in many cultures, that is a straw-man argument. I lived for two years in such a culture and they would be horrified if as an adult you shared a room with the opposite sex outside of marriage.
2) We should not be surprised that non-Christians behave in such a manner, but as Christians we should set a higher standard. When I taught overseas I lived with guys in a flat and it actually created witnessing opportunities with students who were stunned that we didn't cohabitate with female teachers. They probably thought we were crazy, but on the other hand most could see value in our convictions. I won't say it's wrong to share a house/flat with the opposite sex, but it does begin to blur things a bit. We are called to avoid even the appearance of sexual immorality, and sometimes that takes effort.
41. Dan H. said the following at 10:27 AM on May 9:
I just thought I would chime in with some of my experiences from college.
I went to a public university for my engineering degree and I lived in a coed dorm all 4 years. When my parents and I were first visiting the school and trying to decide what my first choice/second choice dorm would be we looked at the all male dorm and then at a couple of the coed dorms. My observation, and my parents agreed, was that the coed dorms actually reduced some of the worst sexualization and objectification of girls that were very obvious in the all male dorm (posters, magazines, conversation...) Having girls around toned that down significantly.
There weren't any coed rooms at our campus, and I have to agree with several of the prior posters in saying that a mixed sex room would definitely not help the christian "live above reproach". But from my experience a coed dorm does not have that shortcoming.
Anyhow, that is my perspective as a guy. YMMV.
42. Kim said the following at 10:59 AM on May 9:
John D.- I'm not saying that because you lived in a coed dorm in college that you weren't "living above reproach."
I am simply surprised by the responses to the article and the acceptance of a man/woman living arrangement in a house or a college dorm room by this Christian community. I agree with others in that we can't hold non-Christians to a Christian standard of living...but I would expect followers of Christ to be set apart. Different from the world.
43. Eliza said the following at 11:18 AM on May 9:
Kim D. #42,
Perhaps I haven't been reading closely, but I have not seen one comment to this post that is favorable or even indifferent to unmarried Christians sharing a room with someone of the opposite sex. It seems to me that everyone is agreeing with one another, but somehow offended anyway?
44. Ruth said the following at 12:11 PM on May 9:
"And the more you do things outside of God's design, the more likely it is that you'll never know its real meaning."
I think this from the blog and #13's comment to live above reproach, are the biggest issues here.
I'm taking a history class of Western Civilization from the Renaissance until now and it is very apparent that the colleges and universities that were developed at that time were huge factors in influencing the culture and, therefore lead to revolutions and other major events that changed the world into what we know it as today.
The same is today, universities are mini cultures within greater cultures that influence people and spread ideas. And the more time goes by the farther and farther our cultures get away from Biblical morals and move toward popular opinion morals ("did God really say...").
With that said, I live in California and recently our governor passed legislation (SB 777) affecting all public schools in California that redefines gender discrimination as, for example: restricting a male from entering a female bathroom/locker room in all public schools simply because he's "male" (basically saying that "male" & "female" are stereo typical labels now).
Just because something is accepted by culture doesn't mean it is right according to Biblical truth. Culture changes slowly over time, and as new generations of people grow up, the changes go unnoticed. As Christians, we need to constantly be examining everything through God's word, and not by popular opinion, and yes, this will take hard work!
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
45. Hannah C. said the following at 12:14 PM on May 9:
I could see this being useful for married couples who want to live together but can't afford off-campus housing. I've also heard of a brother and sister living together in that co-ed arrangement as well.
In general, though, it's an extremely iffy idea, especially for Christians.
46. Jo said the following at 4:23 PM on May 9:
Sarah P (36):
"Logically, I don't see much benefit in living with unnecessary sexual tension."
I really think it's a mistake to assume that sexual tension will exist in any and every co-ed housing situation (note, I am not talking about sharing a room with one opposite sex person but sharing a house with a group of mixed gender friends). I have never lived in this situation, but I have for example been on holiday with friends and shared a flat with another girl and four guys. I honestly see nothing wrong with this at all, and I also see nothing wrong with living in a similar situation. It would be quite clear to outsiders that this was not a 'co-habiting' situation, because you'd be living in a group. I don't think any non-Christian would assume anything untoward was going on.
My opinion would be different if a dating couple were involved, and possibly if there WAS attraction between people. That could cause problems, but the bare fact of living with people of the opposite gender is not an issue for me. If it is for you, then clearly this wouldn't be a comfortable living situation for you, and that's fine. But I don't think it's a morally wrong or un-Christian thing to do.
"What are the benefits of coed dorms as a living situation? Are there any?"
Yes there are. The comment you replied to listed some, for example that males and females can 'balance each other out'. Obviously you have had good experiences with female housemates, but I think probably that's more to do with the actual people you've lived with than the fact they were women. I've seen many examples of men and women 'balancing each other out' in a group living situation, and generally I think it's a good learning experience for all concerned, and a constructive way of discovering differences in the genders in a safe and non-sexual environment. Especially for people who haven't grown up with brothers/sisters and might not have lived with the opposite sex before. As someone else said, these groups often become like families, people find each other's strengths and failings and learn how to get along with people who are different from them. All very useful social skills for life, and for future marriage, I should imagine.
47. Catherine said the following at 6:47 AM on May 10:
I think offering coed housing is ok (esp. with what the poster said about gay guys preferring to live with their girl friends instead of other guys. in my experience, most people who choose to live together in this situation are not romantically involved)- as long as there is an equal option for Christians who don't feel comfortable living in a coed dorm with coed bathrooms.i know that this option was once denied to a group of orthodox women at yale.
i have never lived in a coed situation (and wouldn't) except a coed dorm with different sexes on different floors once because of simple modesty. i am really glad that i saved this experience for marriage. that kind of intimacy with the opposite sex should be saved for later- just as the poster said above about not being attracted to women he lived with. doesn't it kill the beautiful mystery of the opposite sex? i do think cultural trends towards coed living are damaging to the intimacy of marriage (even if you do live in new zealand) and are still looked at with reservations where i live. but it is great to have guy friends- they do balance the crazy out!
48. Sarah P. said the following at 3:11 PM on May 10:
Jo (#46): You make some excellent points, which are good to qualify my questions. I wasn't asking if it was morally wrong to house in a mixed group, only if it was the wisest thing to do. By "sexual tension" I mean just the simplest things like being unable to dash downstairs in my sleeping clothes late at night to get a drink of water. Single-sex housing simplifies matters, seems like.
As for "balancing out," I do think it is important to interact with guys regularly. But the question is, do I have to live with them? Previous generations managed to get used to marriage just fine without living in odd communities of mixed single people first. :D
49. BDB said the following at 3:45 PM on May 10:
There's clearly issues of both culture and time involved here. And the practical matter of the size of people's homes.
I'm reminded of
George Mueller's autobiography, where he includes a chapter about meeting his wife - because she was employed running the household of the man he stayed with when preaching in town. Clearly, when you need to hire someone to run a houseold, it's not a one-bedroom apartment. Houses big enough to, say, become a bed-and-breakfast are plenty big enough for men and women to live modestly.
50. Leah said the following at 7:22 AM on May 12:
Jason, you must therefore think all the doctors and nurses who work on Mercy Ships are a waste of time, seeing as they all spent several years at university to gain their medical and nursing degrees.
And all the teachers out there must have wasted their time, seeing as they spent several years at university. No, there's no possible way a doctor, nurse or teacher could *possibly* be a serious Christian.
Are you kidding?! Some of the most serious Christians in the history of the world were people with university degrees.
Elizabeth- have you been reading these comments closely? "But what really grieved me was reading the comments. It's no big deal?! What?!!! Where is the purity?" Uhh.. what? Who said anything like "it's no big deal"? From what I have read, *nobody* endorses (or is even indifferent towards) coed rooms. What they *are* indifferent towards is coed houses, flats or dorms. BIG difference.
51. Tami said the following at 12:29 PM on May 12:
There are different kinds of "coed dorms," too. In college I lived in a "coed dorm." I shared a suite with all-female roommates. Each suite had its own front door with keyed entry and its own shower/bathroom, and each room (two people per) had its own door. It was more like living in an apartment than what people think of as "dorms." I lived downstairs from and inbetween guys. For me, it was a good opportunity to interact with lots of men at once, on a regular basis (prior to college I was REALLY shy around men). And on the up side, the living arrangement was such that I never had to run into them in my PJs.
That kind of setup was fine. But I'm with other posters; not sure I'd want to head to the bathroom in the middle of the night and run into the dude from 1240A.
52. Kelly said the following at 11:16 AM on May 14:
So I've just moved to Ireland and am temporarily living in a co-ed dorm while I try to sort out something more appropriate.
I HATE IT.
I can't stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I would hate for a guy to see me in my sleepwear. Sure, I could wear something covering me from my neck to my toes but that would be far too hot to sleep in.
I can't even imagine sharing a room with a friend/sibling of the opposite sex, because of reasons of modesty. How would you ever get changed? I'd live in fear of them walking in!
Maybe I'm very old fashioned but I believe in clear barriers between unmarried men and women. There are certain things that create intimacy with your spouse, like seeing them sleeping... it's such a personal thing. Do you really want such intimacy with a friend in college?
53. BDB said the following at 7:41 PM on May 14:
Sarah (#26) wrote:
>>BDB- Being a musician myself, I find this highly amusing!<<
I guess I should mention - we had a big chorale program (I even know what a coloratura is!) so a fair number of these music majors were actually mixing in worship music, too.
Though, as one of the altos said to me at 2am once, "Just because we're quiet doesn't mean we sleep!"
And yes, I do believe that people preferred to get dressed before leaving their rooms. Then again, this is college...sweats are considered semi-formal...
It was a wonderful place to live. I didn't have to clean up vomit once!
54. Jo said the following at 3:20 PM on May 15:
Sarah P (48):
"By "sexual tension" I mean just the simplest things like being unable to dash downstairs in my sleeping clothes late at night to get a drink of water. Single-sex housing simplifies matters, seems like."
Ah, I see. I guess I wouldn't refer to that as sexual tension, but I totally take your point. Same-sex certainly would simplify matters in that way. (Although living with non-Christian girls would still risk having their boyfriends stay overnight, but I suspect you wouldn't advocate living with non-Christian girls so that might be irrelevant!)
"As for "balancing out," I do think it is important to interact with guys regularly. But the question is, do I have to live with them?"
Nope, absolutely not. I haven't lived with guys myself, so I'm not speaking from personal experience! I don't think it's necessary, just that in many cases it can be platonic, amiable and constructive for all involved. Same-sex households can be all of those things too, but I've heard of cases where things have got emotionally strained or downright unpleasant in female group households. That probably isn't always the case, and I doubt living with guys is always rosy either! It's just my observation from the friends I know that have tried it, that if you're going to live in a group, mixed households are often less stressful.
55. Grady said the following at 1:50 AM on Aug 13:
I actually go to a college that is TECHNICALLY "clothing-optional"
That doesn't mean that anyone listens to that, no worries.
BUT we do have co-ed rooms if you wish to have them - but you are NEVER placed in a coed situation, you have to request it. That is not my preference, but I have seen it work out wonderfully. Some people are just more comfortable around the opposite sex (in a non-sexual manner) and I don't think it's inappropriate for two best friends of opposite genders to room together.
Couples? Terrible idea. But friends? I don't think that's a problem, honestly. And I don't think that having close friends of the opposite gender that you feel comfortable living with makes you any more or less Christian...
56. Justthinking7 said the following at 10:43 AM on Dec 18:
My heart saddens when Christians think and behave like non-Christians or in accordance with the norms of the world. Here are three reasons coed living is not a good or wise idea. There is nothing sinful about it but its not wise.
1. Biblically it is an appearance of evil even though your attitude towards this situation is pure. Because the bible does not say flee from the presence of evil but THE APPEANCE OF EVIL. Our present culture promotes androgyny but this is not necessarily aligned with biblical roles of men and woman
2. Social – Intimacy/ boundaries between roommates over a period of time blurs therefore the risk of sinning increases and may be inevitable
3. Potentially lose effectiveness of Christian witness and lose the ability of leading (new Christian) from a situation like this
And maybe this can bring some or lot of discord in your other relationships, if not you are not among people who get the Biblical worldview. What are the rewards of not living Christians: Abstaining from the appearance of evil, Maintaining effective witness and living in the blessings of God fully. I always wanted to ask the Christians who wants to live in a co-ed situation: What is that you want so badly that you are willing to put yourself in a place where the witness of Christ could be hurt?
Remember, Jesus never lived with her female disciples. He was and a wise God-Man.