The Purpose of Marriage
by
Ted Slater
on Apr 3, 2008 at 9:40 AM
In the disorientation following my second broken engagement, I found myself struggling with the question, "What is the purpose of marriage"?
At the time, I came up with the following: "The purpose of marriage is to help each other identify and carry out God's will for their life with joy." While I still think it's a helpful definition, just this morning I came across a stronger one, provided by Dr. Al Mohler:
"The ultimate purpose of marriage is the greater glory of God -- and God is most greatly glorified when His gifts are rightly celebrated and received, and His covenants are rightly honored and pledged."
Some of you might recognize a bit of the Westminster Catechism in that definition ("Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever").
Let's bring that definition down to earth. Historically, according to Mohler, the church recognized three key purposes of marriage:
1) The "procreation and nurture of children, if God should grant children to the marriage."
2) "[A]s a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication . . . that [believers] might marry and keep themselves undefiled members of Christ's body" (see 1 Corinthians 7:9).
3) "[C]ompanionship throughout life, through good and bad, comfort and loss, sickness and health, until death parts the husband and wife."
Sounds pretty clinical, hm? Feels like all the romance has been stripped away. Yes, the day-to-day working out of marriage is fairly earthly, but ultimately it points to something more lofty:
"Marriage is the source of great and unspeakable happiness. Yet because of sin it is not unmixed happiness. But marriage is not first and foremost about making us happy. It is for making us holy. And through the covenant of marriage two Christians pledge to live together so as to make each other holy before God, as a testimony to Christ."
I guess the definition I came up with a decade ago wasn't too far off.
1. Tim had the following to say on Apr 3 at 11:55 AM:
I have an issue with point #2. I agree with it, but don't think it should be included as a MAIN point. I think it should be rewritten with a different focus.
It makes it sound like God created sex, then realized that people would be sinning if they had sex, so he had to create marriage as a acceptable means. Maybe I'm being too nit-picky, but it feels like we are focusing on Satan's distortion of God's design (that's what sin usually is) instead of directly focusing on God's design itself.
It almost seems like a circular definition. We say a key purpose for marriage was to make sex OK, but I don't think God would have even created sex without also creating marriage. Then, there would have been no thing such as sex that needed to be made OK.
I would say #2 should be written to say that a key purpose of marriage is to provide a proper context for an enjoyment that God designed to be experienced in a unique way. This statement could probably also be rewritten better, but I think it comes closer to hitting the point.
All of that said, I do agree that practically, singles should find motivation from the idea that finding a spouse can help in the battle against sin.
2. Patrick Chan had the following to say on Apr 3 at 12:48 PM:
Ted Slater wrote:
Hi Ted,
Sorry, just a quick question. I hope you don't mind my asking, but how'd you deal with your broken engagements? That must've been super difficult, to say the least!
Thanks,
Patrick
3. Abigail had the following to say on Apr 3 at 2:32 PM:
One aspect of marriage that most Christians seem to neglect is the idea that marriage is a picture of the intimacy of God. It is a beautiful picture of Christ and His bride, the Church. Sex becomes sin when it is twisted into being about us, making us feel good, etc.
4. Mike Theemling had the following to say on Apr 3 at 3:35 PM:
In short summary, I believe marriage has 3 main purposes (in no particular order):
- To provide for godly (i.e. "legal") sexual relationships
- To set up a positive environment for raising children (related to the first bullet)
- To create companionship and synergy (the 1+1 > 2 idea)
Some may put more emphasis on children and I agree that most couples should have children. Yet I would not put it as a necessary condition. For example, should marriage be forbidden or dissolved if a couple is never able to conceive a child? Or a person knows before marriage that he/she will be unable to produce children (either through birth or tragedy?)
I don't believe that holiness and happiness are mutually exclusive, nor do I believe that God intended holiness as the primary reason for marriage (as I recall, marriage was instituted BEFORE Adam and Eve sinned and God did not say or even imply, "It is not good that the man is alone. I will make a helper to make him holier"). It is true that marriage can be a catalyst for holiness but not as the primary function.
Although marriage is "holy matrimony" I believe we emphasize the holiness aspect of it too much, to the point that it is some sort of calling to a point of higher holiness than single people. And you know what, there is a religion out there that believes that: Mormonism.
5. Val had the following to say on Apr 3 at 3:57 PM:
I'm still struggling with a broken engagement...almost a year and a half later.
Most of the pain has diminished, but the sting of the memories and dreams unfulfilled is ever-present.
I'm trying to move on, but dating is getting old...had first date #11 this week.
Wisdom? Thoughts? How did you deal?
6. Lola had the following to say on Apr 3 at 4:35 PM:
Well I’m glad that you presented the above points as your interpretation of Mohler’s views and not as absolute truths, at least I hope that’s what you did.
Regarding your second point, I thank God for revealing to me that He did not create marriage as a remedy for fornication.
Paul said that it is good for people who do not have the gift of celibacy to get married because of the corruption of our times (1 Corinthians 7), surely this is not the same as claiming that one of the purposes of marriage is to remedy fornication. Let’s not go that far.
As Christians when we come to realise that our sex drives were created for sex and sex was created for marriage, we will become more equipped to resist the temptation to fornicate. Marriage is not an escape from sexual sin. What’s more important is that we pray that God purifies our hearts and rectifies our view of sex.
Finally, Does the statement “…….. If God should grant children to the marriage” imply that the reason why some married couples are unable to conceive is because God has not granted them children?
7. Patrick had the following to say on Apr 3 at 5:44 PM:
FWIW, if anything, I just read this article on breaking up. So far it rings true in my experience.
8. Mike Theemling had the following to say on Apr 3 at 6:09 PM:
Lola you said,
"Regarding your second point, I thank God for revealing to me that He did not create marriage as a remedy for fornication."
If that is the case then why did Paul in 1 Cor 7:8-9 write, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
That sounds like protection against fornication to me.
9. PLH had the following to say on Apr 3 at 6:55 PM:
I agree (although I would also de-emphasize number two), but would also just add that marriage helps us understand the trinity. The trinity is all about unity-as is marriage. Marriage is the closest people get to understanding the mystery of the trinity.
10. George had the following to say on Apr 3 at 7:07 PM:
I too came out of a broken engagement middle of last year, and it's been very difficult since she goes to the same church and is in the same young adults group as I am. After the painful break-up, I made the hard decision to court another lady who's a believer 6 months later.
Unfortunately this second lady decided to get back with her ex. even after I declared my feelings towards her. I really thought she was the one since we clicked during the handful of dates we had, and she was a faithful servant in the church and I prayed daily for a wife who is like-wise.
Did it hurt as much as the first unfulfilled relationship? Sure. Since I really thought that God gave me another chance at marriage after the first failed attempt at a relationship. And it hurts even more since she's now married or marrying the guy who hurt her emotionally, physically (by getting her pregnant) and spiritually since he's not a Christian.
After these past 2 failed attempts, I struggle daily with either giving up totally on finding a companion who is as passionate (if not more) as I'm trying my best to be everyday about Jesus and His Church or to just settle for a wife who doesn't want to be as involved in God's Kingdom.
This whole finding-a-suitable-wife-thing is getting very tiring, and with every failed attempt it feels like a huge chunk of my heart gets ripped apart all over again. And what doesn't help is that majority of my friends are married or are going steady with someone.
Would I like to be married? Most definitely. But it's close to, if not impossible to find a godly lady under the age of 30 who's passionate about Christ and His Kingdom in this day and age and society.
11. Andrea had the following to say on Apr 3 at 11:47 PM:
George said
"Would I like to be married? Most definitely. But it's close to, if not impossible to find a godly lady under the age of 30 who's passionate about Christ and His Kingdom in this day and age and society."
Simply, that hurts. Not to diminish your own experiences and pains with relationships, but I must remind you that it is not impossible to find a godly woman today. Perhaps you live in an area where there are more men, and so the chances are less likely to find eligible women. And with mostly married friends it can be hard to get to know single women.
Just as you may feel pains when women claim "All men are jerks," I have a pang in my heart for all great single godly women when you say they are impossible to find. Speaking as one of them, single women who are seeking after God exist. Maybe you just don't see them right away because they are busy serving the Lord in a particular way.
(Side note: Women, please stop saying this lie! Appreciate the great men in your life! Certainly some are bad news, but at least give the good ones a fighting chance!!)
I am sorry, this post has little so far to do with the purpose of marriage. Here is my thought- maybe if we understood why sex within marriage is a good thing and glorifying to God, and maybe if we expressed this knowledge to each other, maybe then more people would understand why sex outside of marriage is a sin.
And although marriage (as in the case of Adam and Eve) came before sin, that does not keep marriage from being a way to protect from sinful lifestyles. So I don't understand the debate over this topic.
12. Tamara had the following to say on Apr 4 at 12:10 AM:
After years of alternately struggling with "Where are all the good guys?" syndrome and "Is marriage worth giving up the things I could do for God single?" syndrome, I was desperately praying for ANYTHING to shed some light on what in the world God was up to with marriage. Out of the blue someone sent me a book called: "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. The subtitle is "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" It talks about how God uses marriage to shape us into the image of Christ. It was incredibly encouraging and really reshaped my view of the benefits and struggles of marriage, and what beautiful things God can show us about Himself through both.
To George (#10), a little encouragement to hang in there. The godly women ARE out there (and many of them are asking the same questions you are!) You might enjoy the book; it might give you a clearer view of WHY that godly wife is worth waiting for, and why settling for less could never be worth it.
God has taught me many precious things over the years as I've asked the same questions you are. Romans 8:32 was a lifeline for me ("He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"). With that in mind, I had to look long and hard at myself--in reality, I was mad at God because I felt like (either through inattention or inability) He wasn't giving me one rather major good thing: a husband.
I realized the thoughts/attitudes I had were in essence telling a lie about God's character: that He could DIE for me but then refuse me what I thought would be good then (a husband). I think deep down I didn't really realize just how deeply He'd loved me through His death and resurrection--it had become cliched to me. I started praying that He would make real to me how deeply His sacrifice proved His love, and He answered. Once that started sinking in, I was amazed at the peace I had about my singleness. The more I realized what deep love His death (and Who it was that died!) really showed, the more ridiculous my thought that He could seriously deny me a good thing seemed. I finally forced my thoughts into submission to what I believed was true: that God loved me so much that there was NO truly good thing that He would deny me. After what He's already done and in light of His character, it's IMPOSSIBLE. What an incredible Savior!
That truth isn't a ticket to getting anything I want, rather it means that anytime I feel like there's a good thing He's denying me, it's because of my limited understanding of what's really good for me. And, when I remember (and REALIZE, beyond the cliche) how awesomely He sacrificed to demonstrate His love, it's easy to trust His superior opinion of what's good. I KNOW the One I've believed (2 Tim 1:12), I know how much He loves me, and I KNOW He can't help but give me good things (Matthew 7:11 "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"). I trust Him to know what’s good and give it to me. How could I not rest in that, and confidently wait to see how He's using even painful circumstances for my good in conforming me to Christ (Rom 8:28-29)?
I hope He gently shows you as much about His love, comfort, and concern for you through this search as He has shown me. I'm praying tonight for all who are trudging through the painful and yet incredible things God teaches us through singleness. It's worth it, in view of how we can KNOW HIM better through it!
Philippians 3:8 "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."
13. BDB had the following to say on Apr 4 at 12:17 AM:
The OP wrote:
>>In the disorientation following my second broken engagement, I found myself struggling with the question, "What is the purpose of marriage"?<<
You know, this is interesting. I know it's trendy to talk about how men just play video games; comments which tend to elicit criticism from men who are responsible.
I wonder how many of the responsible people delaying marriage had some kind of bad experience - whether a broken engagement or something similar. Has anyone asked the otherwise-responsible men if there's something like that keeping their motivation in check?
They might not even need to say anything verbally - I'll bet you could see it in their face as soon as you asked the question...
14. Tami had the following to say on Apr 4 at 10:30 AM:
Tamara -- I love Gary Thomas' books. Sacred Influence is fantastic, too. It is so much more helpful than any of those current books that purport to tell you "how men are." When I read those, I get depressed; when I read Thomas' books, I am encouraged to love and serve as the great wife I could be. :) Eggerichs' Love and Respect is also helpful.
On a general note -- It is making me really, really sad to hear how many of us Christians view each other as "not good enough" for each other, so many breakups, so many dead-end "just friends" relationships... what is going on with us??? [And I say this as a long-time Boundless reader -- I get it, but the general sadness of it all is getting to me.]
15. Patrick had the following to say on Apr 4 at 12:29 PM:
Re: your general statement: true dat, Tami (#14), true dat.
And what I wouldn't do for a godly woman! As I recently wrote elsewhere, there's such a beauty to finding genuine holiness in a sister in Christ. I never would've thought I'd say that. In fact, I thought this sort of talk was just Christians maybe being kinda naive or maybe idealistic or something. But a godly sister in Christ who originally wasn't "the woman of my dreams" became "the woman of my dreams" after I got to know her and especially after seeing her genuine devotion and love for the Lord over and over again. Very, very sadly things didn't work out. Bummer (to put it mildly) for me.
16. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 4 at 3:55 PM:
George,
I'm sorry about your pain. I know that it is hard to be in a setting where you still regularly see someone who doesn't like you back. I withdrew from these situations, and things are way better. It's been incredibly refreshing to not 'like-like' anyone in any small groups or ministries that I'm a part of. Finally!
Even though your search is exhausting, I'd encourage you not to spiritually settle. You know that in your head, I'm sure. Perhaps you feel you've exhausted your resources, but for what it's worth, here is an idea (that may not work in your situation):
Perhaps you can change or add in an additional Christian community(s)/church where you can get plugged into a ministry that you're interested in or/and another Bible study. If you become more involved with another church, choose one that seems pretty solid theologically. There might be a girl or two in there who is already serving and involved in a Bible study. The ministry(ies) they are involved in might be kind-of invisible, though, so it might take some looking. Really there are good (enough; no one's perfect) girls out there. Really, there are! Hard to believe when you don't see many of them, I know, but take heart!
17. Dan had the following to say on Apr 7 at 7:49 PM:
Hey Ted, I second Patrick's question, how did you deal with two broken engagements? I had a broken engagement a bit over a year ago, and have recieved a great deal of healing, however I haven't found someone else yet, I'm wondering how you moved on actually got married? It's all stuff that I'm going to deal with, so I just want to know how someone else dealt with it, that's all. Cheers!
18. AmberJ had the following to say on Apr 8 at 8:06 PM:
I have also experienced a broken engagement (a year and three months ago). Encouraged (hmmm...that's not quite the right word but you know what I mean) to know I'm not the only one who is still healing and wondering how to deal with the future. Just this weekend, after a struggle the day before with forgiving him for what he did to me (seems a daily process), I found out that my ex-fiance has a new girlfriend. How do I deal with feelings of "what if he treats her right, but didn't me" and "I'm ok being single until I find out he isn't single"?
Thoughts....anyone....would be appreciated (sorry this is off topic!).
19. Val had the following to say on Apr 10 at 12:45 AM:
AmberJ,
Be encouraged that the rocky waves of periods of grief followed by times of transient peace will eventually turn into a much smoother sail. *cheesy analogy, sorry*
After my breakup, I found much comfort in talking with people who were further down the road in coping/grieving/healing/moving on than I was.
It will pass; it will pass.
You will reach a day when thoughts about the relationship are no longer sharp and painful, but are rather, faded memories. You will be able to take that relationship for what it was, learn from it, and make it part of your past as you move forward.
It's not easy to move on, but I've learned it's important to focus on not idealizing the person or the relationship you had. True, that person may have many wonderful qualities, but the main point now is that you will eventually move on to someone who holds something much greater--the ability to commit to you and value you. No matter how "great" the other guy was, he wasn't able to give what you truly deserved--love and commitment.
That's my two cents. Don't lose heart. Keep praying, hoping, healing, and loving. Seek Him in the midst of trials and suffering. He's always there for us.
20. Ana had the following to say on May 25 at 6:45 PM:
I have been married for over 6 months and have started wondering the purpose of marriage lately. Perhaps because my husband works 8 hours, arrives home and stays on the computer until bed time. After I complained about going to bed alone he started making the effort to go at the same time. On top of that his priorities are play Civilization with his friends once a week and play at the pub when he's off work. He's 45 y.o. and I think he's been living the life of a single man. I feel there is something wrong, but he is obviously happy with his life. He can do all he wants and still keep a nice wife. For how long... I don't know.