Seek Out the Matchmaker by Suzanne Hadley on Apr 4, 2008 at 12:01 AM

I appreciated the discussion produced by "Don't Shun the Matchmaker." Someone asked about specific tips for seeking out matchmakers and how to broach the subject. How can single women (and men) expand their networks and seek the assistance and support of others?

First (and Candice addresses this in her book), engage in intergenerational community. Crashing the midlife Sunday school class seems a bit extreme. However, if you don't know many people outside of your own age group, seeking multi-generational community is not a bad idea. Find a mentor. Be intentional about making friends of all ages. Pray that God will bring these people in your life.

Next, be transparent. We have been vocal about our dislike for set-ups and blind dates. I think many Baby Boomers -- including parents -- feel like they've gotten the "back off" vibe. Making it known that you not only wish to be married but that you're actively seeking it may inspire those around you to produce possibilities.

I was recently sitting at the closing banquet of a conference. I struck up a conversation with the 50-something man on my left. A little ways into the conversation, he asked, "Are you married? Dating?"

I answered no.

"Why not?"

"Well, I would like to be married," I started hesitantly, "but I just haven't met the right person."

"Do you have someone in mind?" the 40-something woman on my right asked the man.

The gentleman nodded toward the young man to his left, "What about Howie?"

True, this was awkward (and a little funny), and nothing came of me and Howie. Nevertheless, my admission that I was wanting to be married produced an immediate possibility!

Third, enlist the help of those you know. Don't just alert people to your openness toward marriage; ask them to help you. I have recently asked several married women to pray for me, specifically in this area. While I'm waiting, it is encouraging to know that people are standing with me in prayer. Also, let them know that you are open to entertaining their suggestions. When a matchmaker "matches," he or she is risking rejection. So let them know you appreciate their interest (if you do) and won't hold it against them if things don't work out.

Dating and marriage have become such independent pursuits. Every sitcom makes the joke of a well-meaning mom attempting to set up her little darling with a hideous match. While it's tricky allowing everyone in your business, connecting with a select few could prove helpful -- and, if nothing else, encouraging.

Comments

[1. BDB had the following to say on Apr 4 at 12:09 AM:]

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The OP wrote:

>>Crashing the midlife Sunday school class seems a bit extreme.<<

Oh, but that group would LOVE to meddle if you give them an inch. Let me tell you...they have daughters, sisters of son-in-laws, the coach of their kid's softball/soccer/basketball team, their grandchild's elementary teacher, someone they met in line at Starbucks...

[2. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 4 at 12:24 AM:]

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So nothing came of you and Howie :).

Funny. Nice that you've specifically asked people to pray for you in this area! Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to ask others to pray; I suppose it would require less bravery if I could first be brave enough to ask married family members to pray about it (then maybe as a following step I could ask random married women if I get to know them better), but actually I need to pray fervently myself. I think I'm becoming more okay with the singleness situation, but I should be more proactive with prayer.

There's a post at the Blazing Center about argumentative prayer.

http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2008/04/arguing-with-god.html.

And in a follow-up comment someone gave a link to Spurgeon's Effective Prayer: http://www.kjvuser.com/ep/

Perhaps arguing for God's glory in a prayer for a spouse could be a good thing. If I do that, I would likely have other motives mixed in, but I do think if I had a godly spouse that that could be great for honoring Him through service and also in our conversation and serving of one another. So maybe I should 'argue' for God's glory even for a spouse...and if he provides, His mercies would be that more salient...

Paul strived in prayer (Col 4:12) and asked others to strive with him in prayer on his behalf (Rom. 15:30) Piper brings up these verses in his book Let the Nations be Glad: The Supremacy of God in Missions

And there's an interesting quote on the Spurgeon site mentioned above:

"Pray for prayer-pray till you can pray; pray to be helped to pray, and give not up praying because you cannot pray, for it is when you think you cannot pray that you are most praying."

Hadn't heard that one before. Well enough sermonizing...need to get ready for bed then strive a bit in prayer...

Anyway thanks Suzanne for the post. And intergenerational community is neat. Even if there aren't huge generation gaps, a decade or two is probably enough, and even interacting with marrieds in the same generation(ish) is a neat thing, too.

[3. Christina had the following to say on Apr 4 at 5:39 AM:]

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Ok...

So don't shun the matchmaker and seek relationships and be open about my desire...

But if one such person were to set me up with a guy that there is no way anything could happen, how do I approach that?

Not only are the guy's feelings at stake, but also those of the "matchmaker". Pride is a very volatile opponent.

[4. a sassy sister had the following to say on Apr 4 at 7:52 AM:]

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while I appreciate the idea of mentoring and an intergenerational community, I guess I'm a little curious---would we be seeking out the intergeneration community to grow in our faith and as a whole person, or are we seeking out the intergenerational community so we can find our spouses? I recommend that people be discerning in regards to WHO they seek to be mentors.

What I think would be grand about this article if it provided a segueway into how to create intergenerational relationships, PERIOD. We are the body of Christ, and no matter how different we are in gifts and stages of life, we all are connected to each other because of Jesus. Why not encourage intergenerational relationships out of the necessity of support and growth as a person, and not with the mindset of "oh, this person would be great in helping me meet potential spouses?" We limit ourselves and the potential growth of our relationships by making the very nature of your relationship obsessed with the goal of getting married without being a whole adult themselves.

[5. single certain girl had the following to say on Apr 4 at 8:34 AM:]

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nice post, suzanne. i think the transparency thing is so important, on so many levels. too often we single women communicate to others that we have it all together and don't need anything. we communicate the 'back off' message not only to potential matchmakers, but to potential matches, as well.

[6. Brent had the following to say on Apr 4 at 8:43 AM:]

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"I guess I'm a little curious---would we be seeking out the intergeneration community to grow in our faith and as a whole person, or are we seeking out the intergenerational community so we can find our spouses?"

I guess I'm wondering why you would make a distinction. What is the difference? The simple fact of the matter if you are to grow in your faith and understanding of God you must know and be mentored by the older generation. And unless you have the gift of celibacy you must get married. If anything we have to small of a vision of Christian life and what it means to follow God.

[7. mindlab had the following to say on Apr 4 at 8:46 AM:]

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So, why's it so radical? It's not like the midlifers are hiding anything (are they?).

I have frequently enjoyed 'crashing' a Sunday school class I didn't belong in and finding out what people who aren't 'like me' are thinking and studying. It's great fun, a good way to meet different people, and who knows. . . you might meet some other young 'radical.'

[8. Rachel had the following to say on Apr 4 at 9:17 AM:]

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i agree with a sassy sister #4: our generation tends to shy away from anyone who is not about 3-5 years near our age. this is a shame! i've found so much joy in befriending women and men who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and even mid to late 70s. God has surrounded me with mothers and aunts and grandmas...and their husbands. the life wisdom that they bring into my life is amazing. and it becomes natural...one of them is always wanting to connect me with a certain young man they know. we need to pursue God-fellowship with those that are older than us...with the exact purpose in mind of getting to know them. it's a bit awkward at first...but ask them if you can go to dinner or get some coffee. tell them there is something that you admire and would like to get to know better. when you get together or are in conversations, have a list of questions...and ask one. you'll be surprised at how easily conversation will flow. be genuine. have an open heart. i promise...it's one of the greatest experiences you will have encounter. There is a reason that Paul speaks about older women teaching younger women...it's practical... If we spend all of our time with one another, we will stunt ourselves. All of our "wisdom" will flow from a stagnant pool of adultescence and we will never fully mature into people of stature and wisdom. expand your horizons...talk to someone who is 20 years ahead of you...see what happens!

[9. Ann had the following to say on Apr 4 at 10:17 AM:]

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Seeking out a matchmaker is theoretically a great idea. However, it is hard to seek when I have no network. I have relocated four times in my life to different areas. Every time I relocated, I moved to an area without family. It is hard to rebuild a network. Especially when the area I live now has no place for single college women.

[10. a sassy sister had the following to say on Apr 4 at 10:22 AM:]

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brent,

the reason why I made a distinction because there is one. People can tell when you're trying to bond with them for the reason of gaining something from them. I would hope that when we are bonding with each other across generations, we are doing so not so we can simply gain something from the other person, but also so we grow together in our relationships with God.

[11. Melissa had the following to say on Apr 4 at 11:28 AM:]

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Good article and some interesting comments. I am just going to share where I am. I get this really uncomfortable feeling about asking people to "help me" meet someone. It could be pride that I don't want to ask them for help or that I am embarrassed because I can't find someone on my own. I wonder if sometimes people think that marriage is the only thing on the mind of single women. Do I want to be married - yes. Do I know if that is God's will for my life --well I am still waiting on that answer. I believe God ordained marriage period. I know some people are called to singleness and some to married life. There are challenges on both sides of that life. I want to be really careful in making sure that I do not force doors open that God did not intend. Yes, I agree we have to take the initiative and do our part - be in places where you can meet eligible godly guys. I will admit due to schooling and where God has placed me in church- my opportunities have been limited. However - I also believe that when God wants you to meet someone - He can bring them to you. I think there is a period of waiting - and apparently I am there. During this time, I want to continue drawing closer to God and grasp He is the only one that will 100% fulfill me. A husband would be a definite added blessing from Him. I should ask you gals to pray for me that God would prepare me for whatever His will is in the future - whether marriage or not. I am open to God's leading. Thank you. God Bless Each One of You.

[12. rosabacio had the following to say on Apr 4 at 12:54 PM:]

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Just an observation...I find it interesting that folks will treat the desire for marriage differently than any other desire. How many times have we asked for prayer regarding needing a job, wisdom for school choices or health requests even. Why not ask the same for a partner. Why not ask for help from others. When I got layed off from work in 2001, I asked for prayer and help. Well, one of the ladies had an open position in her office and I got the job. So all that to say...got for it! Ask folks to hook you up! Ask folks to pray for you! Why not? Don't be shy =)

[13. Sarah22 had the following to say on Apr 4 at 1:22 PM:]

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These have been good articles that have opened my eyes to matchmaking. I've never been sorely opposed to it although I did used to have a sour attitude about people (always relatives) asking me if I had a boyfriend but not anymore, I just say no and I'm waiting to meet my husband :)

I've gone to the same church since I was 2 years old, it's a smaller church with few young people, about 10 to 15 younger families and the rest are elderly couples and none of them have ever tried to match make for me nor have I made negative comments about match making to them. They have however told me over and over that they are praying for my career/job/work situation which I appreciate but I want to tell them please, pray for a husband! I love them all dearly and talk to them often at church and always have since I’ve known them my whole life basically, but again, no match making attempts have been made. I guess I need to pray about this and be bolder in soliciting their prayers.

The only person I’ve had make suggestions about match making is my Aunt who I’m sure is either a very immature believer or just “religious”. Anyway, she suggested matching me with my one of my cousin’s Indian boyfriend’s friends. I’m not really keen on becoming Hindu so that won’t work out. It can be frustrating being more open with people about desiring marriage as they start making suggestions that you don’t always agree with and it gets uncomfortable. Somehow the topic came up with my Grandma (who again, claims to be a believer and is either a very immature carnal Christian or is just religious and not saved) and I was saying that looks weren’t very important, I am looking for a man who is saved and follows god and she encouraged me that “he’ll become one if he likes you enough”. Yeah, that was sad to hear. It can be a frustrating subject but I know I need to bring it to God in prayer.
!

[14. a sassy sister had the following to say on Apr 4 at 2:54 PM:]

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sarah22,

your conversation with your grandmother is something that you should take as an opportunity for practicing discernment in this area for selecting your network. When people make comments like that, then you get some insight on their perspective on relationships. I'm sure you love your grandmother very much---you probably just won't let her set you up after that comment!

rosabacio:
while I understand the argument for a person to be proactive about finding a spouse, I still believe there needs to be balance in this area. I see too many of my peers trying to get married right away when they're not even walking in whole adulthood first! And as for the approach to pray about jobs, career, etc.: We are supposed to pray without ceasing and talk to God about our needs. That's the given.
What becomes problematic is when we allow our desires and needs to dictate our decisions instead of taking our desires to God in prayer and letting His Word counsel us in regards to how that need is met. I am in no way attacking proactivity. What I am concerned about is when people focus on getting married so much that they ignore things that God has called them to do RIGHT NOW. There are books, ministries, relationships that are yet to be formed because you're trying to rush down the aisle. There are lessons in character building and healing that need to be experienced alone, and they are being ignored because you can find nothing to be grateful for in your singleness and see it as a barrier to getting married.

[15. Jules had the following to say on Apr 4 at 3:34 PM:]

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I relocated to my city 2.5 years ago with zero family or friends and therefore, no network.

I got involved with the children's ministry at church and the director set me up with her nephew....a woman in my small group set me up with friend's brother...another guy who I dated "referred" me to his friend.

I didn't ask for any of these and they came from nowhere. Building a network takes time and plain old consistency and perseverance.

When I got involved in the children's ministry, my sister commented, "Well, you're not going to meet any men there, unless you're planning on hooking up with a kid." And yet the director set me up with her son....God truly does orchestrate our steps when they don't always seem pragmatic.

[16. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 4 at 4:13 PM:]

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Rosabacio (12),

Good advice to ask people to pray for you. Perhaps at least in part because of timid pride in not wanting to bother people, I'm generally not good at asking for help, unless maybe it was from my parents (but I am blessed in that they often help me [in non-spouse ways] when I don't ask). I think I should pray about the spouse issue more regularly by myself before asking someone else to pray for that (though I don't follow that just-created 'rule' for other requests...). Then if I do maybe I could one day ask a relative. It would feel weird asking at an intergenerational small group that includes married men or at my other Bible study where I don't know the people too well and where most of them would probably like to get married too at least at some point(guessing). But as for the intergenerational group, just last night someone asked for prayer for someone(s) she was discipling, and someone asked for prayer for someone who has come to our church a couple times, ...and then if I ask for prayer for a spouse? :) It would just feel *weird*. Being humbled in this way could be a good thing, but perhaps in my case if I were to ask for prayer for that I'd not blab it in all situations :). Perhaps if I were to ask for prayer for this I would ask in a one-on-one situation...I don't really feel the spouse issue is the most pressing issue in my life right now, though. I do want to be married, though, and preferrably in the relatively near future, so I should be more regular in prayer....

[17. denise had the following to say on Apr 4 at 5:13 PM:]

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reading this post hits home... i've been struggling with believing that there is a man out there for me. I have 2 especially close married friends whos judgement i trust but neither have come across any men (as both already know i'd met anyone they suggest) for me. I previously attended the career group... and it got cancelled, so i attended random Bible studies and now am involved with a multi-generational womens Bible study and the last 2 studies (including last night) i've gone and cried in my car afterward because i feel so hopeless. Although i'm an outgoing person i am self conscience about sharing this area and no one has asked and i haven't spoken up. I've got my degrees, and a career that helps people but it seems so pointless without companionship. Last night our teacher even specifically stated that marriage is a soil that the Lord uses to make us grow (it was going with a whole theme). I'm just short of wearing a board that says marry me please! Ok so i'm exaggerating... but i guess this is the kick that i need to just get over myself and ask my group leader if she would recommend herself or anyone to be my mentor because all my efforts have produced nothing.

[18. BDB had the following to say on Apr 4 at 6:05 PM:]

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Rachael (#16) wrote:

>>Being humbled in this way could be a good thing, but perhaps in my case if I were to ask for prayer for that I'd not blab it in all situations :)<<

Ironically, one day my church home group announced they were going to start praying for me "whether I liked it or not." The funny thing was, they were meeting in my living room at the time. What could I say? My brain was focused on serving drinks...

[19. Kellie had the following to say on Apr 4 at 6:21 PM:]

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I had many friends in college who were older than me (it happens when you attend a commuter college). My mom attended the same college a few years earlier and had many younger friends. I think having intergenerational friends is great, just for the sake of friendships.

[20. Amy P. had the following to say on Apr 4 at 6:52 PM:]

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Suzanne, Thanks for responding to my comment! This was a perfect follow-up. Great article.

[21. BDB had the following to say on Apr 4 at 9:09 PM:]

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Well.

I just watched the movie "Amazing Grace" for the first time.

It seems that part of the plot is relevant to this post.

Que timing.

[22. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 5 at 12:05 AM:]

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BDB,

What a caring small group you have :), to be concerned about your spousehood.

All,

Hey - perhaps one thing people could do - to at least get the desire or semi-desire out, when asked if you have roommates and you have none, perhaps you could subtly hint something, I don't know. Usually when I get asked if I live alone I say something about my cat :) but maybe I'm supposed to try to sound sad for not having a husband? No...but somehow maybe there's a way to drop a subtle hint in case the person knows someone who knows someone who knows someone...

:)

[23. carol ramich had the following to say on Apr 5 at 9:00 AM:]

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Well, I would say this is great advice for the younger generation, but what about us baby-boomers who are looking for a match? Where do we go? On-line dating sites, even those which are "Christian" are full of scammers and unbelievers! Anybody got some ideas?

[24. Dan had the following to say on Apr 5 at 11:04 AM:]

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Carol (#23);

I hear ya. I believe it is also ok for us to ask others for help in finding a spouse - it is not just for the yonger set. I have done that recently with a few married friends of mine. But, do ask people you would trust and who can be objective.

[25. Matt had the following to say on Apr 5 at 1:25 PM:]

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If you are looking for a way to meet Christian singles of any age- go to camp! Christian summer camps hire all sorts of single people and I have yet to work a summer where it hasn't yielded at least one marriage.Volunteer, work, pray do what it takes. Think about it.

[26. Robin Munn had the following to say on Apr 5 at 3:31 PM:]

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BDB,

I especially love the moment when William says "Botany, Miss Spooner? What makes you think I would have an interest in something as tedious as botany?" and Barbara cracks up. ("Private joke," William explains to the rest of the table, and the people who've been trying to set them up start looking hopeful.)

One of these days when my budget's got a bit more room in it I have to get that DVD.

Back to the subject: I've dropped hints to people who know me well that I wouldn't be averse to being set up, should they know any suitable women. I felt a bit odd doing so, but they didn't seem to find it a totally off the wall thing to say. Nothing's ever come of it (so far at least), but at least they know my opinion.

[27. BDB had the following to say on Apr 5 at 4:05 PM:]

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Rachael (#22) wrote:

>>What a caring small group you have :), to be concerned about your spousehood.<<

Perhaps. I didn't suggest it-they apparently came up with the idea on their own. Of course, this just adds pressure if they see me talking to someone at church...

I wonder what would happen if I actually brought someone to one of our BBQs...

[28. Val had the following to say on Apr 5 at 9:39 PM:]

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denise,

I'm sorry to hear that your heart has been so burdened, but I'm so glad you're going to be taking the step to ask for a mentor to help in this area.

Don't lose hope; be encouraged that you do have a circle of Godly women that will probably be delighted to support you!

Let us know how it goes!

[29. BDB had the following to say on Apr 7 at 2:04 PM:]

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Robin Munn (#26) wrote:

>>"Botany, Miss Spooner? What makes you think I would have an interest in something as tedious as botany?"<<

Yes, that was funny.

I did look up the Wikipedia entry, which doesn't quite track with the script of the movie, but hey, a little creative license is to be expected.

[30. Tami had the following to say on Apr 7 at 4:30 PM:]

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BDB wrote -- "I wonder what would happen if I actually brought someone to one of our BBQs..."

Make sure they're not standing too close to the Match Light briquettes. They might spontaneously combust at the sight of you and your lady friend, so you wouldn't want any flammable objects nearby! :) jk