1 Corinthians 7
by
Ted Slater
on Apr 9, 2008 at 9:46 AM
As I wrote in my previous blog post, I'm no expert. I wrestle with Scripture to understand what the authors meant, and how their God-inspired words are relevant today. The clarity doesn't always come easily.
I've wrestled with 1 Corinthians 7 for years. It's not a simple chapter. Paul affirms both married and single states; he encourages people to get married, he encourages people to stay single. He sometimes offers commands and sometimes offers concessions. Sometimes it appears that he's giving his own personal opinion, while other times it seems he's providing counsel directly from the Lord.
First, Paul affirms marriage. He says that getting married is not a sin. It's no less honorable than staying single. He even commands some people to marry, as a way to deal with their sinful nature!
Paul also affirms the kind of committed singleness that he practiced. He did not date. He did not flirt. He did not seek out a girlfriend. All of his hours were spent pondering how to please the Lord, rather than a girlfriend or wife. He called this lifestyle "good."
And here's one that's got me really thinking. Paul seems to be encouraging a "holding pattern" during certain times of crisis or distress. During such a crisis, if you're single, it might be good for you to stay that way for now. If you're married, it's best to stay that way. The crisis he was talking about was probably persecution or famine. While that particular crisis has passed, the world continues to see crises and times of distress.
Luther put off marrying largely because of his crisis: He thought he'd be killed for his role in the Reformation. Wilberforce put off marrying largely because of his crisis: He, too, thought he'd be killed for his role in bringing an end to the slave trade in England.
Which makes me wonder: Which crises today are legitimate reasons to delay marrying? Serving in harm's way in the Middle East? Traveling to a dangerous country as a missionary? Conducting research with highly contagious diseases? Dealing with the fragments of a broken engagement? Coming through a life-threatening illness? I don't know. I suppose that's between the Lord and those who find themselves in these situations.
FWIW, I don't think Paul would affirm intentional delay of marriage in non-crisis situations; I don't think he'd affirm those who hide behind a claim of Pauline singleness while at the same time "seeking a wife" (i.e., "dating"). And I also don't think he'd condemn those who choose to marry even in the midst of crisis.
As I wrote at the beginning, this really is a complex chapter, and the tendency is to pick one verse out of it to defend our current lifestyle.
Let's not do that, OK? Let's wrestle with Paul's elegant affirmation of certain instances of marriage, of singleness, and of delay of marriage. And reject arguments in favor of inappropriate marriage, undue singleness, and irresponsible delay of marriage.
1. single certain girl had the following to say on Apr 9 at 9:58 AM:
great post, ted.
for me the struggle comes from wondering how i best make use of my single years. because i am single (and have been for my entire adult life, through no choice of my own), should i seek out some kind of job or service that i could not do were i married? in the very least i should probably be able to put more of my money toward god's work in this world.
i'm not whining, but sometimes it seems difficult because a single man can either be single and not seeking by choice (theoretically to better serve god and he's not 'burning'), or he's single and he's seeking a spouse. i'm single, i'd like to be married, and i am sitting and trusting and waiting. i'm not this way by choice, and at this point, after reading all the books, trying dating, not dating, online dating, and matchmaking, it's pretty apparent that god is telling to just freaking chill out and wait on him.
so, i'm waiting.... and trying to figure out what to do in this time.
2. Loris had the following to say on Apr 9 at 10:17 AM:
My grandparents delayed their marriage hoping the Depression would ease. It didn't, and after waiting five years, they went ahead and got married.
3. David had the following to say on Apr 9 at 10:57 AM:
As someone who has gone through a painful broken engagement recently, I can honestly say marriage is the last thing from my mind now. I cannot even imagine going through the whole process again. I know I cannot give 100% in a relationship so I am keeping to myself. My fear is that I will get too comfortable and use my pain as an excuse to avoid relationships. I often wonder if it would be better if I just jumped right back in.
The truth is that I will simply have to trust God to let me know when the time is right.
4. Amir Larijani had the following to say on Apr 9 at 10:57 AM:
Ted: I would also add the caveat: it also depends on the nature of the "crisis". Back then, people were in immediate danger just for being Christians. Wives could be forced to turn on their husbands. Ditto for children on their fathers and mothers.
Minimizing one's chances of getting burned alive or mauled to death might make a good reason to not get married. Even then, Paul said it's better to marry than to burn.
These days, we have people who will interpret that word so loosely that anything in life is a "crisis" that demands a holding pattern.
Moreover, it is not uncommon for people in Scripture to carry on with life, even in times of crisis. After all, I don't see much substantiation that marriages ceased during the Exile, a 70-year period of "crisis" if there ever was such a thing.
Even then, I'm not making the case for a "mandate", but rather emphasizing that (a) all crises are not equal, and (b) it's still better to marry than to burn.
Ergo, if you aspire to marriage, 1 Corinthians 7 is not to be used as ammunition against that.
5. DannieA had the following to say on Apr 9 at 12:13 PM:
I believe the complex nature of this passage affirms what I've believed for a long time. There is good in BOTH marriage and singleness...and one should take the season we are in and use it for God's glory.
6. Liz W had the following to say on Apr 9 at 12:25 PM:
Not only did marriages not cease during the exile, God told the Babylonian exiles in Jeremiah 29:6: "Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease." Pretty clear message from God about that crisis.
Of course, God also told poor Jeremiah, the "weeping Prophet" in Jeremiah 16:2, "You [singular, as in this was specific to Jeremiah] shall not take a wife, nor shall you have sons or daughters in this place." Also pretty clear that God told Jeremiah not to marry.
7. a sassy sister had the following to say on Apr 9 at 1:02 PM:
amir:
I totally agree that Scripture should not be a mandate against getting married; however, there is still the pressure in the church to view marriage as end all be all answer to singles' problems in the church. I've seen more singles events focused on dating and marriage than actual discipleship and practical preparation for adulthood(which, unfortunately is not just a problem for singles' ministries). I think that the marriage covenant provides an optimal place for releasing sexual desires. However, I must say that people have used the "better to marry than to burn" as a solution to deal with their issues with lust.
ted:
If a man or woman desires marriage and family, that's not something to be mocked. Please note, however, that there is a difference between submitting your desires to God and allowing your desires to dictate all of your decisions(i.e. educational, financial
social, etc.) This translates to your decisions starting off with the mindset of, "Is this going to help me get married?" instead of, "Is this what God would have me to do? Is this in line with His Word? Is this pleasing to God?"
8. Nate had the following to say on Apr 9 at 1:47 PM:
Well said, Amir.
9. Philip had the following to say on Apr 9 at 4:28 PM:
Paul does speak of a crisis, but his arguments for why singleness may be better, seem to be based on the idea that "time is short" the world is "passing away". The former remains the case today, so I think in addition to considering potential genuine crises, his argument about undivided devotion remains valid where no particular crisis exists. However, I still believe that for individuals considering their personal situations with respect to factors such as sexual control and ability to serve God better single versus married, singleness is rarely the best choice.
10. Candice Watters had the following to say on Apr 9 at 4:33 PM:
Ted,
So what, if anything, changed in the "crisis" circumstances facing Luther and Wilberforce? Or did they just change their minds? I find them to be self-defeating examples of your point.
11. B.M. had the following to say on Apr 9 at 5:00 PM:
Ted, I really liked this article; I think you raise some really interesting points, and I appreciate how you are careful to draw your conclusions from scripture. While I actually agree with you on nearly every point, the one thing that I don't think you really addressed thoroughly is the validity of remaining single, even in non-crisis situations. Although I don't think you are necessarily implying this, I think it is important to realize that there is nothing wrong with remaining single in non-crisis situations. While it is certainly responsible to put off marriage if you are in a crisis situation, there is nothing Biblically wrong with putting of marriage and remaining single if you are in a non-crisis situation. Singleness is not solely a response to crisis, or the result of not having yet found the person of your dreams. Singleness is a gift that Christians should not have to be justified.
12. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 9 at 5:10 PM:
I think it would be neat to reach a point of being 100% okay (not just in speech but in heart) with whatever God's plan is, whether that includes marriage or not.
Are there any readers here who have successfully fought desire for marriage (possibly while still being open to the idea should a potential candidate come along) and reached a state of absolute contentedness (no, I don't believe desire for marriages and contentment with whatever the outcome run contray to the other, but it would certainly help to just not have a desire)? If so, do you think active, conscious steps (not being close friends with the opposite gender, not allowing the mind to think about it) helped you with the process? That in combination with focusing on the Word, community, and service?
I can write "I'll be okay no matter what the plan is". Sure. But my heart doesn't completely feel that way. I simply can't assume I'll ever marry, and it would be nice to not even hope for marriage.
Hmmm.
13. Ted Slater had the following to say on Apr 9 at 6:36 PM:
Candice, you asked "what, if anything, changed in the 'crisis' circumstances facing Luther and Wilberforce?"
I guess they determined that the crisis had passed.
Candice -- do you think the "crisis" that Paul spoke of ever came to pass, or has it remained in place? If it passed, then the point at which people were encouraged to stay single also passed, and they should feel under no obligation to remain single.
In the same way, perhaps the "crisis" that Luther and Wilberforce sensed also passed, and they felt under no obligation to remain single. Make sense?
I'd be interested in better understanding your understanding of what Paul meant by "crisis" or "time of distress." Was it something only experienced in Paul's time? Or is it sometimes experienced in our time as well? What are some legitimate examples of "crises" or "times of distress"? And do these crises pass, thus freeing singles who had been in a "holding pattern" to change their minds and go on to pursue marriage?
14. Julia Arenas had the following to say on Apr 9 at 7:28 PM:
I'm 25, after all the content I've read on singleness and marriage, the tagline I've made for myself has become my focus. "Not God's man but God's plan." I often dream of marriage, but it all depends on God's plan for me. I think the question is...are you a better servant of the Lord single or married? I know some tagteam couples who blaze trails of faith because they are together and I've seen some who waste each other's time and get nowhere because of having to deal with each other. For some people I guess a spouse be an instrument in deepening their faith and love for God, for others they do much better on their own. Point I think is to trust in Him and ask him to lead us onto the path, marriage or singleness, which will draw us closer to Him and be an effective testimony for others to believe.
15. rosabacio had the following to say on Apr 9 at 7:55 PM:
#12 Rachael: to answer your question...
During the later part of the summer of 2007 I stopped having the desire to be married. I had prayed for a husband for over 8 years so at one time I did want marriage. I even picked out baby names. Anyway, it was of no will of my own that the desire for marriage went away. I didn't try to stop wanting marriage. It just ceased to be.
I tried explaining this to a couple at church and they thought I didn't WANT marriage. That's not the case, I simply don't desire it. Then they said I'm probably content. Or that the desire will return if a guy asks me out or something.
Now this is different than being content for me at least. When I did have the desire for marriage there were times when I would see couples and women with babies and say to myself..."one day, in your time Lord" with a smile on my face! But then there were the other times when I would cry when I saw happy couples with children. Now when I see happy couples with children, I don't wish it for myself or imagine what it would be like to have a family. But instead, I get so overjoyed for the love they have. I don't even desire to have what they have.
But at the same time, I still find men attractive. But not to marry them but that they look nice (not to mean I am lusting after them if that makes sense) I don't date or flirt. In fact, I don't hang out in singles groups either. My fellowship group at church is almost all married couples. The other events I go to with singles, I talk to the guys but not about anything but church, vocational, or small talk.
More than anything, I'm soooo happy! Overjoyed and at peace. I'm happy to be single, and I'm not burning with desire or passion either which may be an indication that I am to remain single??? I think perhaps my closer relationship with the Lord has something to do with my desire to not marry. But please understand, I didn't do this! My current state is all God. I know this because there could be no other explaination for the peace and joy I have being single.
I hope I sort of answered your question.
16. a sassy sister had the following to say on Apr 9 at 8:12 PM:
Julia,
well said.
17. jpritch had the following to say on Apr 9 at 9:33 PM:
i had no plans to marry anytime soon. in fact, i was thinking 8 years...maybe 10. and even after i'd met the man that God would eventually show me i *should* marry, i was STILL planning on waiting a LONG long time.
my situation was much like julia's (#15)--and i reached a point where i was just content with God's love & fulfillment. and only THEN He blessed me with marriage...
but based on Paul's "crisis", maybe my husband & i should have waited. i mean, my husband is in the military. he'll deploy. he'll see explosions. he'll cross paths with IED's. and yes, i realize that there is a chance he might not come back.
i also realize, however, that there is a chance either my husband or i might not make it to next year...next week...even tomorrow. freak accidents. drive by shootings. medical tragedies....
sure, God might call my husband Home soon. and i realize that He might call me Home soon. i guess the only difference is that i'd have the war to "blame" for my husbands death and only the "freak forces of nature" to blame for anything else that might happen to us.
so if we are considering paul's "crisis" to include the chance of being killed or persecuted a reason to delay marriage, there would be very few of us who had Biblical backing to delay marriage.
i don't think that is what he was getting at...
18. debbie maken had the following to say on Apr 9 at 10:02 PM:
Ted,
Excellent post. It is a very fair and evenly balanced distillation of that particular chapter. I only wish that some of your readers had paid better attention to to your last remark to not warp I Corinthians 7 as an affirmation of something more than what it says-- like blanketly endorsing the entire season of singleness as a good gift not in need of justification or examination or reflection.
Debbie Maken
19. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 9 at 10:31 PM:
Rosabaccio,
Thanks so much for your testimony. I would love to hear more genuine testimonies like yours.
You seem to feel that 'desire' and 'want' are different...so...you still want to get married but you don't desire to get married...? I don't think I understood...
I wonder if your not having close relationships with guys might be a blessing from God to help take that desire away as you don't have to wonder about the person.
Anyway, thanks for your encouragement. It's really nice to know the desire can go away.
May God continue to bless you and pull you closer to Him,
Rachael
20. BDB had the following to say on Apr 10 at 12:00 AM:
The OP wrote:
>>Dealing with the fragments of a broken engagement? <<
This is an interesting one. But not because it's a "crisis" with a Biblical justification for delaying marriage - because we live in a time where people judge their relationships on "feelings."
When I was in graduate school I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner with some other married students. When I arrived, I discovered that a single female PhD student was also there. (Given the matchmaker posts, now I wonder if they wanted us to meet or something.)
But we had already met. In fact, she was a rather cool and standoffish person. But, this being dinner, I stifled my surprise and did my best to be gracious.
And during dinner there was an interesting discussion. It seems that on Monday she had been invited to lunch by some guy for the Friday after Thanksgiving. She had accepted. He had called her a couple of times to finalize arrangements. She hadn't called him back. There was literally an hour of conversation at dinner of her going back and forth about her previous broken engagement, how she was scared to follow through with the date, etc. etc. I couldn't help but believe that she was being kind of mean to the guy, but her conflicted feelings were quite genuine.
As I was leaving, she stopped me. Apparently she wanted the cite information on a couple of books I had mentioned for her dissertation. I thought to myself, "Yeah, right. Like I'm ever going to hear from you again." But I wrote it up anyway and sent it to her e-mail address. Never did get a response. Don't know if she kept her lunch date with the engineer, either.
What to do when someone has such conflicted "feelings?" Leave them alone? It certainly seems to take a few years for people to get over stuff like this.
21. Sarah P. had the following to say on Apr 10 at 10:21 AM:
BDB, I would say to leave her alone. Sort of like a physical wound bleeding, emotional wounds can shoot off all sorts of odd, conflicting things. Unless you're already a close, trusted friend, it can be tricky to negotiate around hurting people of the opposite sex. She's probably doing the best she can to recover her equilibrium right now, and she doesn't mean to offend, but she has to take certain measures to survive.
I'm only speculating, of course, but I've talked to lots of people who were/are depressed over the past several months, and this seems to be fairly consistent.
22. Tami had the following to say on Apr 10 at 10:48 AM:
Having an emotional wound opened can feel a lot like flying upside down. Everything you know to be true can feel false; everything false becomes "true" because, in your pain, it's what your experience seems to be bearing out. [I am not saying this is right; but it is experience.]
Hurting people appreciate grace, time, and just knowing you're there. Prayer is also appreciated, although saying "I'll pray for you" takes discernment -- if you think the person will take it as a pat answer, then I wouldn't say it, I'd just pray. Notes of encouragement are also nice. I've appreciated people that speak truth into my life without saying "The Bible says..." I KNOW what the Bible says, but when you're in pain, part of the problem is that you aren't currently seeing that truth lived out in whatever is causing you the pain. So if there's any way you can live out the truth for a hurting friend or acquaintance, that would be a most blessed thing.
The degree to which you do these things depends on the relationship you have.
23. rosbacio had the following to say on Apr 10 at 11:44 AM:
Rachael: I'm sorry about being unclear. The best way I can describe this not desiring marriage is if someone were to offer me candy I would say "no thank you" but not because I thought candy was bad for me but because I don't have the taste for it. This might be waaaay simplified but it's the best to explain it. Which for me is why I am certain it's God willed. Perhaps it (the desire) may change, perhaps it may not. It's almost like I'm not even concerned. Sometimes I try to figure it out and talk to God about it, the whole desire going away. I have friends who are getting married and I'm sooo happy for them. But I don't think about it for myself. But the funniest thing is that everyone I talk to about this keep saying "oh your desire will change". I would think they would be happy with a single who isn't complaining about being single all the time. But at the same time tell the single desiring marriage that they need to wait on the Lord. That I find to be the strangest of all.
24. single certain girl had the following to say on Apr 10 at 12:11 PM:
i was in a relationship a few years ago with a guy who'd just come out of a broken marriage. i wish both that he would've taken time out from dating and that i would have been strong enough to not get into a relationship with him. but, it happened, and we both learned a lot from it. he eventually did take a good time out from dating.
sassy sister, just a thought...
i think one of the reasons a lot of singles events are based on dating is because, well, that's what most of us want; to get together with someone. maybe the number of events is a little disproportionate; i'll give you that. my other thought is that i'm done 'preparing for adulthood,' aren't you? i'm 29; i'm a freaking adult already. i'm in adulthood. i'm as adult as someone who's one half of a married couple is.
25. Christina (in green) had the following to say on Apr 10 at 12:42 PM:
Rosabacio,
I'm happy for you =)
I'd think that you REALLY are gifted with the "Gift of Singlness".
Sometimes I wish I was. And I still pray for God's will concerning that. First, I'll pray for my desire to be his desire for my life. Then because the reality is that I desire marriage and family, I'll pray for a husband =)
I don't think you should worry overly much about the desire (or lack thereof). If the desire is there, pray for a husband (or wife). If it isn't, like Ted said, don't date and flirt, just serve the Lord.
It sounds like you prayed a lot about it. Which is commendable and worthy of respect.
26. BDB had the following to say on Apr 10 at 1:07 PM:
Sarah P. (#21) wrote:
>>BDB, I would say to leave her alone.<<
Oh - this was 10 years ago - just remembering a critical incident...
27. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 10 at 3:51 PM:
Rosabacio, thanks for the follow-up!
And as for 'emotional woundness' or whatever, even though I've had no broken engagement, I think we all know what it's like to experience pain, so for what it's worth here are some thoughts:
BDB (20): "What to do when someone has such conflicted "feelings?" Leave them alone? It certainly seems to take a few years for people to get over stuff like this."
-->I suppose it would be different for everyone. Here's a thought, though. You know how with sin, it's good to replace it with something else? Saturation w/ the Word, etc. Replacing the bad with the good. Healing is supposed to come with the good right? I wonder if the same type of principle could sometimes be applied to people who still have some sort of feeling for another person (not fresh break-ups, but people who may have unnecessary, lingering wonderings about particular people) - I'd think it's quite possible for that person's feelings for the other person to diminish as they get to know the new person. My thought on the matter, anyway.
Tami (22) wrote: " I've appreciated people that speak truth into my life without saying "The Bible says..." I KNOW what the Bible says, but when you're in pain, part of the problem is that you aren't currently seeing that truth lived out in whatever is causing you the pain. "
-->Perhaps to each his own on what works and what doesn't? I think my mind would like it if someone were to tell me what the Bible says, even if I knew it, even if I *felt* closed to it in a moment of grief. I must admit, though, that the pain I've felt in life is likely nothing in comparison to the grief felt by some even reading this comment.
I went to a seminar at a missions conference led by a chaplain -- it was about dealing with people in times of their grief. He had a list of potential expressions people could use. I would have liked to have the list, but there weren't enough copies and I neglected to contact him to ask for one. I'd guess that this wasn't the only 'list' out there. Although it might be helpful to know what types of language is generally more or less effective, in the end I wonder if it's the person's love, concern and intent that matter most, even if they use consoling words that might be considered to be inappropriate or not the best choice...the 'broken' one must graciously receive the grace offered by the comforter.
28. Tami had the following to say on Apr 10 at 4:37 PM:
True, Rachel, but I think what I am driving at is that some people use the Word as a "easy fix," because they are uncomfortable with the other person's pain -- "this is the truth, now why don't you feel better?"
I am by no means discounting the Bible or its truth. And I believe the Scripture is *the* way to change our hearts and our minds. But in a moment of extreme grief, the *demonstration* of those words, rather than their *recitation,* may be the most effective means of ministry. Perhaps it is best to sensitively ask what the person needs.
Even though we shouldn't stand around taking offense every time someone "steps on our toes" (often without realizing it), I also think that part of a loving intent is to try to know those words and actions that will most comfort a grieving person, and not assume that our intent will be understood. To be honest, a person in the midst of severe grief is not always in the right mindset to stop and think, "oh, that person meant well." Again, that is not an ideal attitude, but it is one often experienced.
My favorite words on comfort are 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
Sometimes God comforts by His Word; other times, it is His quiet presence. Sometimes it's a word of joy; others, consolation; others, conviction or exhortation. As God comforts us, we learn how to comfort others. This is one of the "silver linings" to suffering. Over time, we are learning how to minister as Christ does.
But in general, I do agree that we all need to hear each other with grace, which is a good attitude to have in marriage, and in Christian love (another chapter in 1 Corinthians... 13).
29. BDB had the following to say on Apr 10 at 6:01 PM:
Rachael (#27) wrote:
>>(not fresh break-ups, but people who may have unnecessary, lingering wonderings about particular people)<<
That's a point I really hadn't considered. The perspective I was seeing it from is someone who had a broken engagement say, five years ago, and they stopped dating and remain that way...I suppose that's unresolved grief, isn't it?
30. BDB had the following to say on Apr 10 at 6:21 PM:
Looks like we're discussing the Hedgehog's Dilemma
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog%27s_dilemma
31. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 11 at 10:37 AM:
Tami - yes, actions are important. So the Word plus love and grace is the 'strategy' I want to use should I encounter grieving believers in the future, and a method I'd hope other believers would use on me should I find myself in utter despair. Love is definitely the most important ingredient in any interaction, and God's Word is living and active - and God is Love. It's all tied together.