Don't Shun the Matchmaker
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 04/01/2008 at 5:32 PM
I just finished reading Candice's book, Get Married. In it she says, "It's all about the network." This "network" consists of the friends, family members and older women (possibly moms, aunts and grandmothers of single men) you interact with on a regular basis. One of the points Candice made was that singles should be open to being matched.
Before you give in to the vision of a babushka-wearing old woman, take a minute to consider the value of the network. In her article "Strike a Match," Cindy Schmalz writes:
[A single woman] has two options. First, she can wait for the perfect guy to happen across her path, and yes, sometimes that happens. My husband and I were high-school juniors when our eyes locked and we fell head over heels for each other. Thirty-one years later, we're still in love.
But single women also can allow a caring Christian friend to introduce her to a potential mate.
Schmalz gives some great matchmaking tips -- along with some encouraging stories. Her suggestions include: make sure you know the potential couple, host a get-together for six, know when to back off and don't take it personally if your match fizzles.
How do you feel about matchmaking? I recently met a lovely Christian woman my mom's age at a writer's conference. A few weeks later she e-mailed me and said, "I have two single sons. I know your generation thinks introductions are tacky, but let me tell you that I'm praying that they will marry someone like you." Wow. Not only was I incredibly flattered, but I was reminded that our attitude toward our potential "network" may need adjusting. Schmalz concludes:
Few things are as fulfilling as the sense of joy you get when you watch a couple you brought together fall in love. If you've said or heard, "leave the matchmaking to God," remember, God often works though his people. Just think about it … if God can use us to feed the poor or visit the sick, why wouldn't he use us to pair up the lonely? Isn't a lonely heart as distressing as an empty stomach or a sick body?
Maybe you're in the position to make a match. Do it. Someday soon someone may return the favor. It's all about the network.
1. B. Minich said the following at 7:06 PM on Apr 1:
This is good, Suzanne! I recently had a conversation with my family in which I learned that my Mom had a young woman in mind for me. I basically had to pry the name out of her with a pair of pliers - I think she thought she'd be imposing. I told her no, that I would love to hear potential matches from her. While I don't know if it will pan out, since my parents are from a different town, knowing that my Mom thinks a relationship might work will be helpful in future visits to my parents area. Nothing may come of it (after all, I am interacting with single women in my own church and region), but I am glad to have her advice.
2. S said the following at 7:11 PM on Apr 1:
I would have no problem with my friends playing matchmaker. The problem is that they SAY they're going to do it, but they never actually do!
3. mindlab said the following at 7:34 PM on Apr 1:
Having been 'matched' at least once, I can say that I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I have a suggestion. Consider simply introducing the 'targets,' and providing a place/event for them to interact for a while (say lunch after church, twice or thrice), but NOT telling either of them that you see potential. That will let them interact with far less awkwardness, and if they're sharp, they'll catch on without your saying anything. When you tell a person that you're 'matching' them, it (can) create a great deal of expectation and tension (at least it does for me).
4. Amy P. said the following at 8:35 PM on Apr 1:
Suzanne Hadley -- A great follow-up post would be tips on what questions a single guy or gal could ask to "prod" people who could potentially be a matchmaker....
I am wating for those tips...
5. DannieA said the following at 10:22 PM on Apr 1:
I'm all for 'older' 'mature' people to help introduce me to people ;D
6. Leah said the following at 10:29 PM on Apr 1:
Networks are incredibly important. I'm a bit iffy about some of the things suggested though, like dinner for 6. That could and couldn't work. If you had two couples and two singles, it could be awkward if the two singles are not already friends. And you should definitely speak to the two singles about it beforehand. (Ie. so they don't just rock up and find out that everyone else is a couple... except for them and the girl/boy across the room). However if it's one couple and 4 singles, that would be a lot more relaxed, I think.
Otherwise, matches within large groups are great- ie. if you think Girl X would be great for Guy Y but they've never met each other, organise a larger group thing- like 10 people- where they would have the opportunity to meet. A smaller one, where they are the only singles, would make them feel forced together (for that evening at least). Again, if they're already friends, it would have a better chance of working.
Sometimes the network works its own magic. My fiance and I met each other through the Christian group on campus, and also because he was good friends with one of my good friends. She did not purposefully introduce us, but because we both knew her (and were both part of the christian group), we ended up spending more time around each other. (Of course, once she- and a few others- cottoned on to the fact we were interested in each other, they began organising all sorts of excuses for us to spend time together!!)
7. keightie said the following at 10:54 PM on Apr 1:
Yes, well, this is all very nice, but a couple of days ago a situation such as you described caused me a bit of a crisis until a talk with my grandma sorted it out: at a church potluck dinner one of her friends inconspicuously seated her grandson next to me. I would have appreciated this gesture as this post and others like it have advised me to, but my relationship of over a year with my extremely godly boyfriend was just going through a rough patch of separation that we were prayerfully trying to work through, and I felt like this offer of the ease of talking to someone new was an attack or a test and a dilemma I had never encountered before and wasn't prepared to handle. I ended up feeling awful that my faithfulness was that easily put into question, which I'm sure was not this kind lady's intention, and I even entertained thoughts of writing to Boundless Answers. : )
But usually it is best to talk through it with people who are personally involved, and, no offense, but a long-time reader of John and Candice's responses can usually predict what advice they might give. Reading the Bible didn't hurt, either, and now things are looking up. God is good even when situations leave you confounded because of the appearance of two good and obedient options. Further investigation and prayer revealed that this was not the case. Thankfully I made it through it. : )
8. Jo said the following at 2:18 AM on Apr 2:
Sure, matchmake away - with permission. I have a friend who decided a couple of years ago that her housemate and I would make a good couple, and she proceeded to somewhat jokingly but quite persistently bring him up in our conversations and 'encourage me' to pursue the idea. That would have been fine, but she did the same thing to him and interest developed on his side but not on mine. Very awkward.
The same woman also tried to matchmake two of my other friends. She gave each the impression that the other was wildly in love with them, which made it very difficult for them to even get to know each other. In the end I reassured them both that the idea was entirely hers, and the three of us met together one day to discuss what on earth we were going to do about her embarrassing them constantly. This was their first proper conversation away from her, they bonded over their shared frustration with her, found they got on well and had a lot in common - and they're now married with four kids. She knows nothing of this meeting and still takes full credit for their relationship. :)
9. Laura said the following at 5:27 AM on Apr 2:
Thanks Suzanne! As one who has been successfully 'matched', it's good to know it's happening to others too!
10. obewan said the following at 7:23 AM on Apr 2:
I guess I am all for people inviting singles to dinner as a small group to see if they "click", but I get stressed about outright "matchmaking."
It can become confrontational, and people actually get offended if you do not express romantic interest in their match. They sometimes won't back off and keep bugging you asking questions like: "Why not?" or "What's wrong with her?" etc...
11. elle said the following at 7:53 AM on Apr 2:
I stumbled on this site via an article. Or maybe I didn't, God wanted me to see it. See a friend and I have been having a friendly argument on whether I should meet someone that I am being matched with. I didn't ask to be matched and at first I felt it was an intrusion. Yet I am the one constantly asking God for a mate. After reading this I think I will meet the guy after all. It will do no harm for me to have coffee with him. I might even like him. If not I will at least get over the whole "being matched" thing.
12. P&P said the following at 7:54 AM on Apr 2:
Matchmaking is very iffy: if the couple gets married, the matchmaker is a hero, if it ends in tears (as one did for me), everyone is in an akward position. Usually, the friendship is lost or at least strained.
I'm more a fan of a casual introduction as mentioned in other posts. On the rare occasion where I felt that two people might be a "match," I try to make sure the two of them attend a get together at some low key event (bar or coffeshop meetup, book signing, etc.) and ensure that they shake hands. If there's a spark, great, I'll pass along emails. If not, hey, it's a chance to get out of the house on a boring weeknight.
13. a sassy sister said the following at 8:27 AM on Apr 2:
I think this thing can work, as long as there isn't a heavy expectation on both parties, either for the person being set up to try to manufacture a relationship leading into marriage, or to trying to create successful matches. Not only that, but there MUST be a GREAT LEVEL OF TRUST and openness on both sides for the NETWORK to function properly. I also believe that both sides have to be clear on their intentions for the set up in the first place.
14. Steve Watters said the following at 8:57 AM on Apr 2:
One of the points Candice makes in her book about working with a network is that it doesn't come without awkwardness. You never know how some people are going to try to help--or who they think would be a good match for you. That awkwardness comes with the territory, but it's no reason to write the network of friends and family off entirely. It's not like the other options for meeting potential spouses are without their own forms of awkwardness.
15. NeedACatchyName said the following at 9:32 AM on Apr 2:
I agree with post #3 that it's best to introduce two people in a non-romantic setting when they first meet. Blind dates are almost always extremely awkward, and throwing two people who have never met together in a date or date-like situation is something few people are actually comfortable with. Recently, a family friend had a young lady in mind who she thought would make a good match for me. Unfortunately, instead of introducing us, she just gave me her phone number and said "oh by the way, I told her that you would call her and ask her out on a date" without even asking whether or not I was interested. While I appreciated the gesture, it would have been much better if she had arranged for us to meet in a low-pressure situation with other people present to help ease the awkwardness, rather than just throw us together and expect something to happen.
(BTW, in case you're wondering what the outcome of this was, I wound up calling the girl and agreeing to meet her, and while we had a pleasant conversation, it was extremely obvious that we had very little in common, so I doubt anything else will come of this situation.)
16. Leah said the following at 10:05 AM on Apr 2:
keightie, I don't think you can very well put your situation down to simple "match making". No normal person would knowingly try to match someone who already had a boyfriend/girlfriend!
P&P- are you saying that if the potential r'ship ends badly, then the relationship with the matchmaker becomes strained? I think those in the r'ship are overreacting a bit if that's the case. I've seen "matches" before where Girl A has had a hand in getting Girl B and Boy B together, 5 months later it soured, but nobody's relationship with Girl A was affected. It's not like she was running their relationship. She just gave a bit of encouragement at the beginning :P
Elle, that's awesome! If you've never read boundless before and have just "happened" to come across this specific article, I'd think God's trying to give you a hint too ;)
17. cn said the following at 10:24 AM on Apr 2:
My mother-in-law-to-be matched me with her son. ;) Be open... it works! ;)
18. a sassy sister said the following at 10:29 AM on Apr 2:
steve,
if we were follow the same argument about things that accompany awkwardness, there are MANY of experiences in regards to this issue that have awkwardness---however, the common variables are dependent upon the people and their individual character as well. However, some levels of awkwardness can be diminished if there is OPENNESS AND CLARITY of COMMUNICATION on both sides in regards to their PERSPECTIVE and EXPECTATIONS of the "network". As far as NOT knowing how people will try to help you and/or who they think will be a good match for you, I would have to strongly disagree with you on that. If you have a relationship with the people in your "network" and you are dialoguing with them about their perspective and expectations regarding matchmaking, you can discern what types of people they will introduce for you, but also HOW they will help you. Habitual behavior demonstrates personality and character, and observing character in regards to this is no different.
When people try to introduce me to other people or mention "nice" people for me to meet, I ask them why they believe it would be a beneficial introduction and OBSERVE their attempts to bring up the conversation and address the issue(i.e. how they go about making the introduction happen and their attitude throughout).
While I think it's great that there are some successes with the matchmaker, I know that at the moment I couldn't personally do it myself. Why? Because I want a "network" to exist within the context of "real community" WITH THE PURPOSE BEING TO encourage overall growth as a person. Plus, there are very few examples that I've seen of people who have networks for their own agenda: i.e., relatives who set up their children because they desperately want grandkids and it would MAKE THEM HAPPY.
19. Tami said the following at 10:43 AM on Apr 2:
I'm all for matchmaking! But I echo some of the sentiments above. It's much less awkward if you're able to figure out if there's *some* interest first -- e.g., the two people attend the same church but haven't been able to meet before (for whatever reason); or, you have them meet in a group setting, like a dinner at your place or a lunch out after church.
If you do the "group thing," it's probably best if the two you're trying to match are *not* the only non-couple there. Also it's probably best to state it generally -- "Come to my potluck with [some of my new friends/some people who sing in the choir with me/whatever]! It's a fun group. By the way, would you mind bringing a dessert?" That way the "match-ee" is aware that he or she will be meeting people, but doesn't feel the pressure of IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS GUY (OR GIRL), WHAT'S WRONG??? (Also, if the person is anything like me, she will spend half the time leading up to the event wondering what, exactly, to bring for dessert. A good distraction. But YMMV.)
Also, if you've been matched with someone, it's best to go in with few expectations of how things will turn out. It's really uncomfortable if the other person sees you as The One and all you're thinking is, "Hmm, my friend thinks this person is good for me, so I'll give this a shot."
20. Mark said the following at 11:33 AM on Apr 2:
I think I might have shared this once before, but I think the idea is worth another mention here:
If someone is trying to "match" you with another party, try to get a second opinion from someone who is the opposite sex of the "matcher" (the same sex as you). I was once in a situation where an older woman tried to match me with the daughter of a friend. The "matcher's" son didn't seem to be too impressed with the girl. Turns out I wasn't either.
Just something to consider.
21. Jules said the following at 11:52 AM on Apr 2:
I've decided that if I might be single at 35, it's only going to be because God intended it, not because I was too picky about the venue through which I meet men.
I've been set up three times in the past year-did they work? No, but it showed me there's great Christian men out there that I wouldn't have met if I wasn't willing to have my e-mail address passed along.
22. CathyS said the following at 11:55 AM on Apr 2:
Just a funny story about matchmaking...
My friend and I recently took a trip to a craft show about an hour away. One of the people she worked with insisted that she meet his nephew. Admittedly, the guy she works with is not a Christian, but she asked him if his nephew was a Christian. He said that he was "spiritual". That can be taken many ways. She decided to go anyway because it would be something fun to do on a Saturday. When we arrived at the craft show, we were informed by the family that the young man was stuck at work and may not be able to make it out on time. So we were invited to dinner. The young man did end up getting off of work on time and we were introduced to him. It didn't take long to find out that he wasn't a Christian. But we did have the opportunity to plant some gospel seeds while talking. :D
At the end of the craft fair, we were waiting for the family to go to dinner and the grandma comes out and asks if she can help us, as the park is now closed. The young man's sister comes out and says, "Grandma, that's Leah, the girl we are trying to fix [what's his name] up with!"
We just looked at each other and tried to contain our laughter. We have had many laughs since then and ended up buying a really nice hammock at the craft fair. And we got to share the gospel. Needless to say, a successful match was not made.
But you never know what could happen and what God may do in that young man's life (can't remember his name)! ;)
23. kaj said the following at 1:16 PM on Apr 2:
WARNING: Contains Sarcasm/Irony/Tongue-In-Cheek Humor. Please take with an entire saltshaker, not just a few grains!
I guess if we are that desperate for a spouse, we need to ask our parents which cousin would be the most suitable for a mate. If Isaac and Jacob both married their cousins; maybe we should consider that as an option, too.
(Although in my family, there are no cousins of the opposite sex. Back to the drawing board!)
24. Jeni said the following at 1:28 PM on Apr 2:
I think being "matchmade" is a great way to get introduced to a potential spouse. Last year, I was introduced to a great Christian man via of a matchmaker. We had a great time getting to know each other and dating. Even though it turned out that we had a "great frienship", I don't regret being avaible for a third party to introduce me to a great Christian man. Oh yes, the first meeting was awkward. And as my friends can attest to, I was disappointed that it didn't turn out as I had hoped. Yet it was a good, fun and growing experience. If we spend all of our lives avoiding disappointments and awkwardness, we'd be avoiding life.
So, my mantra? Bring on the matchmakers. Bring on the networks. Bring on the dinners for 6. Bring on whatever opportunity will introduce me to goldy, single men!
25. Becky said the following at 2:14 PM on Apr 2:
I think that this is one of the best ways to meet potential mates. Maybe THE best. People who set you up usually know you much better than, say, Neil Clark Warren.
Great post, Suzanne. Hey - I have someone you should meet ... :)
26. diana said the following at 2:37 PM on Apr 2:
Cathy S---I know your comment is meant to be sarcastic, and I enjoyed it; but honestly, what's wrong with a bit of healthy "desperation"? Isn't that the purpose of God's gift of attraction and the desire to fill that loneliness?
Network worked for me--without seeking it, but in retrospect, that's what it was. My old college roomie (from 9 years ago) and I kept in touch through the years....eventually she met a wonderful guy at another college cross-country, who had a male cousin my age from Europe. We corresponded by phone/internet for almost a year before taking the plunge to meet in person.....it clicked!! From our 1st meeting on, I had a dawning awareness that God had just introduced me to my (foreign) love.
He wasn't what I was looking for or had imagined in my mind....he didn't even know that I "needed" an engagement ring : ) when the time came....but he's my wonderful, dear friend and husband now. I had to let go of my ideas and open up to what God had in mind for me; and that included being open to being matched.
(p.s. having had plenty of prior experiences with helpful friends who tried to match me, I know how awkward it can be!! It can be disillusioning....but you never know when the next one is going to be THE one!!)
27. Dan said the following at 4:09 PM on Apr 2:
I don't see a problem with matchmaking at all! I sometimes wonder why more fellow believers don't help their single friends find mates. We have this church that is sooo pro-family and sooo anti-divorce (despite the high divorce rates), but it seems like many believers won't lift a finger to help make more families.
Besides, the more(trustworthy) people you involve with finding a spouse, the more likely you are to have success.
28. Rachael said the following at 4:57 PM on Apr 2:
You know, I think it's okay for couples to throw semi-matchmaking gatherings without it explicitly stated that they have this 'ulterior' :) motive.
Like, recently I was invited to something, and I told my friend (who was also invited) about someone (also invited) who might be a potential for her...when I told her that, I think she wondered if that's what the couple had in mind (don't think she'd met the person at that time); I guess one of the people had seemed to want her to come :). So I don't know if the couple had this in mind...but if so, how clever! :) (another married couple and some random singles were invited).
But I think it's less pressure if, even IF 1-2 of the potential hook-ups had been told privately of the potential in another attendee, if they don't know that the OTHER person has been informed as well.
If people were partially (or fully) attempting to match me up, I'd be more comfortable if I was either not told of their match-making intentions or if I was told so but unaware of the "potential"'s being told so...
29. BDB said the following at 5:01 PM on Apr 2:
Suzanne,
Didn't you write another post about matchmaking? No, that was a post that got hijacked for adoption or something...
Becky (#25) wrote:
>>People who set you up usually know you much better than, say, Neil Clark Warren.<<
Sometimes. There's a few people I would allow to introduce me. The wife of one of my pastors thinks a lot like I do, and I'd listen if they suggested someone.
Other people are completely clueless.
I have this vision of a Pentecostal and a Calvinist being introduced by someone who says, "You both like church!"
I'll just go ahead and illustrate an example.
My church tends to follow a home-group curriculum based on the weekly sermon. One week the "icebreaker" was to have the single people talk about what they are looking for in a spouse. (It was a set of sermons on marriage.) Since everyone else in this group is married, that meant I had to carry the load myself. I tried to be a good sport about it. I even wrote up a short "list." Gee, no pressure.
As soon as I finish, one guy immediately throws out the name of someone he knows - in front of the whole group - and says that's her. Now, this guy is not someone who knows me well. In fact, I'd say we're quite different in how we approach pretty much every situation. In my opinion, he's gotten himself into a number of difficult situations because he used bad judgement and acted rashly. So I'm pretty skeptical about anything he suggests anymore.
A few weeks later, he brings her to the group. Turns out she's divorced, 10 years older than me, and has kids closer to my age. I've got some deep theological concerns about remarriage, I really wish he'd bothered to ask me about that first.
30. Rachael said the following at 5:23 PM on Apr 2:
BDB - there is such a thing as Reformed Charismatics...so the idea of a Penecostal and a Calvinist isn't completely strange...they might overlap in certain areas.
31. Kelly said the following at 6:44 PM on Apr 2:
Thanks for the laugh, BDB!
You know, I think as you do - reservations about divorce. However, I once met a man who WAS my senior by 11 years, was divorced, and had teenage children. To my surprise, I was able to put aside all of my concerns and get to know the person.
He and I dated for 6 months.
(No happy ending though, for reasons I've listed in other comments! Or maybe breaking up was a happy ending. Yeah, it was for the best.)
32. B. Marie said the following at 9:27 PM on Apr 2:
I think that meeting someone through a friend is a great way to meet new people and possibly find your future spouse. Matchmaking, however, is something that must be done tactfully. I have been the recipient of some tacky matchmaking. The worst was when one of my friends wanted to set me up with his friend, and he said, "You two, this is a slow song, go forth and multiply." Needless to say, that was extremely awkard and a horrible use of a Bible verse.
33. farmer Tom said the following at 9:30 PM on Apr 2:
I'm going to comment from a different perspective. I'm the one attempting to do the matchmaking.
I know a young lady, we will call her F. F has been a babysitter for my children, my wife and I have known her since she was 8. She wants to be a wife and mother.
I've known M since he was 10. Without giving any details, I can say that his relationship to my wife and I is more than simply friend or acquaintance.
M told me that he does not currently know any unmarried/single Christian young ladies, all of his Christian school classmates ran off to the city to make the big bucks. He stayed home in the country to farm.
F did one year of college, found it to be expensive, and that most of the guys were focused on college and career, rather than establish a relationship. She now has a steady job, but no Christian guys as prospective mates.
The lovely Mrs. farmer and I invited M and F to accompany us to a concert two hours from home. They were both informed that we had invited the other to go to the concert with us. M sat in the front with me, we discussed issues we hold in common. F sat in the back with Mrs. farmer. We had an enjoyable time on the ride down and back.
Now, I have no idea if any relationship will ever result between M and F, but as a man concerned that our culture and our churches in particular are failing to help young people establish Godly relationships, I believe it is sometimes necessary to make introductions. My desire is to help M and F to find a Godly marriage partner. If the two of them ore part of God's plan, I did my part to bring them together.
Yes, I'm sure it was awkward for both of them, after all they had to spend time with me and I'm as weird as they get, but after the concert trip they now know a little more about each other, if they never do anything together again, fine, I gave them opportunity to meet.
I'm a little surprised that so many of you mention the awkwardness associated with attempts at matchmaking. You really need to quit reading fairy tales. Many good relationships start and last today because someone took the time to introduce two complete stranger. Yes it may be awkward to meet new people, what are you going to do, only spend time with people you know?
34. Tami said the following at 8:50 AM on Apr 3:
farmer Tom, I commend your initiative in looking out for your friends.
With regard to the awkwardness many are describing -- I think much of it has to do with the way the match is made (so far the "prize" goes to B. Marie's story -- ugh...), rather than the thought that *being matched itself* is awkward. As long as a bit more thought and prayer than "he's a Christian, she's a Christian -- make it happen!" goes into it, I think matchmaking is a fine endeavor.
35. Laura Grace said the following at 9:03 AM on Apr 3:
Farmer Tom, very, very well said.
A friend and I recently encouraged a young man to ask another mutual friend on a date. He did, and they dated for several weeks, whereupon he had a Jekyll and Hyde transformation and ended their relationship on a very nasty note. She was pretty heartbroken. Surely that would be awkward, right?
Well, no... because we're adults! She knows that we had good intentions and couldn't possibly have foreseen this outcome. She didn't throw a temper tantrum and accuse us of ruining her life, and she didn't give us the silent treatment. She realized that it was nobody's fault, and so should any "matchee." All a matchmaker does (hopefully) is arrange a meeting or put a bug in someone's ear -- they're not controlling the entire relationship, for goodness sake!
36. connie said the following at 9:40 AM on Apr 3:
I find that making suggestions like "what about him?" to ladies is UNHELPFUL. what is she to do about it even if she is interested? Sure she could go "step on twigs" and get to know him. But otherwise not much.
Instead, if you see a potential match, make the suggestion to the MAN. Nudge. Prod. Try to convince. Even invite them both to the same dinner party. And then let him choose to make the move, or not.
37. BDB said the following at 11:42 AM on Apr 3:
Rachael (#30) wrote:
>>there is such a thing as Reformed Charismatics...<<
Yes, I suppose that's possible. I guess I've only met Arminian Pentecostals, and I was thinking of the Arminian/Calvinist conflicts we've seen previously...
But here's another one: I guy who likes Club Med vacations, and a girl who goes on medical missions trips, "You both like to travel!"
Kelly (#31) wrote:
>>To my surprise, I was able to put aside all of my concerns and get to know the person.<<
And there are Biblical grounds for divorce. My main point is that he didn't bother to even inquire about these things privately. I would have been happy to have a private discussion. As it stands, this guy continues to demonstrate bad judgement, so I'm not listening to anything he says.
On the other hand, people also try to set me up with their career-oriented daughters. There are definitely women who structure their routine in such a way that there's no way for anyone to get to know them. Which is probably part of what their parents are seeing and why they are concerned. I know that sometimes they had some kind of long-term relationship that went sour, so they responded by filling their lives with work. That's a whole different situation.
38. BDB said the following at 12:10 PM on Apr 3:
farmer Tom (#33) wrote:
>>They were both informed that we had invited the other to go to the concert with us.<<
And they both still came. I think that's fine. That's the right way to do it.
Connie (#36) wrote:
>> what is she to do about it even if she is interested? <<
Um...call him back if he leaves a message?
Believe it or not, some women don't do this. So, for someone who is working 50-60 hours a week on rotating shifts (I'm thinking of women who are nurses and cops), at least return the phone call. It's too hard for someone to guess what your schedule is and call at a good time.
And if you do work a lot of hours and/or have a long commute, suggest a time to call back. It took me about three weeks to get hold of a nurse who was working nights; I finally suggested (via e-mail) that I call her on her commute to work which was my dinner time. That worked. She called me, and my dinner got cold...but I have a microwave.
39. Trevor D. said the following at 1:46 PM on Apr 3:
BDB: I like your examples of matchmaking :) They're making me laugh while I wait for my code to compile.
I'm currently finding that I need to be encouraging my guy friends to become someone I could try to match (that is, to become marry-able) - it seems a bit pointless to do anything else before that!
40. Marie said the following at 1:50 PM on Apr 3:
My views on matchmaking have been changed for the better through reading this article and the comments here. Furthermore, I think it may be one of my best options currently...there are not many men who have the same major as me, and at this point I pretty much spend my time with females all day everyday. :)
41. Autumn said the following at 3:25 PM on Apr 3:
I am a pastor's daughter at a fairly small church with a good number of older members. Some of them have grandsons my age and when they come to visit, I often hear a well-meaning grandma say, "Oh look, there's Autumn. Go talk to her." I don't mind, because I've become friends with a couple of the grandsons, and they're great guys. they live pretty far away from me, but it's nice to see them when they come to visit. but there is one grandson that i have yet to meet, but i know A LOT about. my friends and i call him "wonderboy" because everything i hear about him is wonderful. ;)
but my point is, i don't mind matchmaking. i actually think it's flattering that someone would think that i was good enough for their grandson, or whoever. and whlle it hasn't produced any dating relationships, i've gained some great friends. and who knows, maybe someday it'll work out...
42. Lyd said the following at 4:34 PM on Apr 3:
You know, I am not necessarily opposed to the idea of match-making. In my experience, the people I would trust to pick out a suitable match for me would think match-making was wrong in the first place (people in my church assembly) while those who have casually mentioned someone to me as a potential match hardly knew me at all (people I work with or who don't know me well).
My hair dresser tried to match me with a young man a couple years ago. I think she thought that since we both came from homeschooling families and she thought he was a cute guy that we would make a good match. The funny thing is she told me who it was and I about laughed out loud. Turns out I knew this guy and he is at least four years younger than me plus we have very little in common other than both being homeschooled and both from Christian families. He also happened to be the friend of my middle brother who is five years younger than me. I couldn't see myself with him at all. I told my mom about the suggested match and she agreed that he would not have been a good candidate.
I think my hair dresser was just trying to be helpful and encouraging, but in the end it was not. She hardly knows me as a person outside of me coming to her shop for a haircut every couple of months. BTW, I do still go to her for haircuts and her suggestion did not offend me. It just humored me more than anything.
I wouldn't mind if one of my married friends would help match me with someone but I think they have the same dilemma I do: knowing very few guys who are single and marriage minded and would make good husbands.
So I am stuck where I am for now. I have thought of using a Christian online site for meeting someone but my parents are both pretty well set against that. There are about 3 or 4 guys in my local church assembly who are close to being ready for marriage but none of them have showed an interest in me (I attend a very small conservative assembly which generally follows a courtship approach to opposite sex relationships).
As a piece of advice about getting matched I would just say that the person matching you should know you very well and it might even be good to provide specific details to him or her about what you are desiring in a mate. Otherwise, they might just go with shallow, first-impressions for making their matches.
I think I need some sort of venue for meeting marriage-minded men because my church assembly and my workplace are not cutting it. Any suggestions besides the internet and bars?
43. EmilyC said the following at 11:30 AM on Apr 4:
Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match...I am not adverse to being matched by a friend or family member, as long as they set me up with someone they honestly think I have things in common with. My problem is..so far no one's tried any matchmaking for me. Not sure if it's because they don't know of any single men who are marriage minded or they've just never thought about it. Maybe I need to put a bug in some ears.
BDB, I would just like to say I love reading your comments. They make me laugh and often inject some much needed levity when the posts get a little hostile.
44. BDB said the following at 12:25 PM on Apr 4:
EmilyC (#43) wrote:
>>BDB, I would just like to say I love reading your comments. They make me laugh and often inject some much needed levity when the posts get a little hostile.<<
Well, it's probably more fun in the retelling...not unlike misdventures when travelling...
45. DanL said the following at 12:54 PM on Apr 4:
I have recently started my first real relationship. Just yesterday a third friend I know mentioned that they had thought for a while that my girlfriend and I would be a good match for each other. I do find it odd that no one mentioned that to me before we started going out.
46. Tami said the following at 1:22 PM on Apr 4:
DanL -- Blessings to your relationship!
Personally, I think it's *better* if people wait to tell you what a good couple you make until after you're going out. Unless they take the initiative to (gently!) bring the two of you together, it can get really old hearing how "great" you'd be with someone, while you know that the guy isn't interested -- and if *he* thought you were so great he'd have asked you out/asked you to be his girlfriend by now.
Not that I've experienced that.
47. Jamie Jansen said the following at 9:42 PM on Apr 5:
I like the idea. I would be happy to be set up. I just also like the statement, not to take offense if it doesn't work out. Any of the situations can be worked out, but it's impossible to know what another person is looking for. If it's right it's right, and if it's not it's not. You just can't know until you try.