Can Friendship Be a Deterrent to Marriage?
by
Suzanne Hadley
on Apr 28, 2008 at 1:20 PM
Last week, Boundless published my article "Girls Need Girls." In it, I talked about the importance of female friendships and wrote about five kinds of female friends I think every woman should have: the intercessor, the encourager, the celebrator, the teacher and the questioner.
Jerry* wrote in with this concern:
Would not all of the qualities described be facets of a thriving marriage? I have read elsewhere on the site where warnings are given about intimate boy-girl "friendships" that go nowhere because fulfillment is already taking place. Would not an intimate girl-girl friendship to some extent have the same effect?
I see a valid concern here. Based on Genesis, humans are designed to desire a companion and helpmate. Something we've addressed before on Boundless, is that when a guy and girl are spending a lot of time together in an intimate friendship that is not heading toward marriage, they may be satiating some of those natural longings for a spouse (and thus prolonging singleness). I think Jerry makes a good point that a close friendship with the same sex could do the same thing...or a close guy-girl friends group...or a close-knit family of origin.
Every meaningful relationship in your life has the potential to make you grow complacent about marriage. However, that level of emotional dependence was not what I was suggesting in my article. Scripture is clear about the benefits of female friendship (Titus 2:3-5). By design, women have emotional needs that even the best husband in the world will not be able to meet at all times. If she forsakes female friends, she will put tremendous pressure on her mate.
Personally, I feel that my female friends are an asset in my search for a mate, not a deterrent. They pray for me, counsel me, hold me accountable and challenge me to break past complacency. They are also a hedge of protection, like the friends mentioned in Song of Solomon. If I were to seek out this same level of camaraderie from guys, at best it would be shallow and at worst inappropriate.
I agree with Jerry that the five qualities mentioned in the article would be great in a marriage relationship. Obviously this level of intimacy is appropriate and good in that context. My intent was not to take away from anything marriage has to offer but to highlight the benefits of godly friendships. Friendships, family ties and social circles have their place. They are not a replacement for marriage, but they can be a wonderful (and biblical) supplement.
*Not his real name.
1. Tami had the following to say on Apr 28 at 1:46 PM:
I think same-sex friendships are actually a *precursor* to a good marriage, and offer an excellent opportunity for building non-familial relationship bonds.
I suppose this could be a deterrent if you *never* left your friends' side, but on the whole I think friendship is a good thing. Even after you're married. I highly doubt my (yet TBD) husband would be as super-excited to hit a sample sale with me as would my girlfriend. :) Also, as you pointed out through your Titus example, women need other women in order to better understand how to *be* a woman. Men are great, but they don't make very good women or offer as great of an insight into womanhood.
2. Darin had the following to say on Apr 28 at 2:10 PM:
I agree with the importance of same-sex friendships...but let's not just limit that to the ladies. Men need intercessors, accountability partners, encouragers, celebrators, mentors, fishing partners...did I miss any?
I believe that by design, we were wired so that our same-sex friendships would not interfere with our desire for marriage.
I do agree however that opposite-sex friendships can be dangerous. More often than not, people use them as an illegitimate means of acquiring the emotional intimacy that God intended for marriage.
3. r.c cola had the following to say on Apr 28 at 3:23 PM:
Half the times those friendships change anyways (ie. friends get married, etc.). We are also forgetting that despite those circumstances, if they are in fact getting in the way, God can change them or work around them.
4. Sarah had the following to say on Apr 28 at 3:25 PM:
Suzanne - I really liked your article "Girls Need Girls." Your references to familiar characters and their friendships at the beginning immediately caught my attention and being a fan of Full House, your mention of DJ and Kimmy made me laugh out loud!
Coming from a Christian family of four girls who are really close with our Mom, God has blessed me with the rewards of female friendship. I've experienced firsthand their benefits and importance. Many or all of the qualities you mentioned (teacher, questioner, celebrator, encourager, inetrecessor)can be found in the same friendship, which is good! :-)
5. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 28 at 3:44 PM:
I think no friendship, including with that of a husband, will completely "fill the gap" that only God will fill.
Good solid friendships are such a blessing, though lasting solids are a bit rare and might only be known after having stood the test of time. I should try to recognize the value of the different qualities my friends have.
I also appreciate the qualities in some 'come and go' friends or other acquaintances. One such friend was an ex-coworker -- often we were the only ones in the building. We were actually the only paid employees for several months. My impression of her is that she essentially breathed the faith. Lovely. We are out of touch now, but still she's left a heart imprint.
And there's the woman who when in my last two years of college hosted a small group at her house for the gal volunteers of a ministry with which I was involved. In-house Love 101...or 102. :)
It would indeed be good to pause more often and appreciate and learn from the neat qualities God has placed inside our friends...
As for the idea of the potentiality of good guy friend deterrents...I believe God is ultimately in control, but if it were a deterrent, I could see how this might happen if the gal had no interest in changing or expanding her circles because of her interest in the guy friend...
6. veritasmedia had the following to say on Apr 28 at 3:52 PM:
As a male of the married variety, I can attest to Tami's (#1) logic. There are times where one of my wife's girlfriends can tell her things I could never say! Maybe that's a shortcoming on my part, but it does keep the tension down around the house ;-)
7. Claire had the following to say on Apr 28 at 3:58 PM:
Something that I look for in a guy is whether he's proven his ability to sustain a close relationship over time. Obviously, that needn't be a romantic relationship; maybe just a sibling, friend, or roommate. I feel like we learn a lot of marriage-applicable skills through those relationships--being open, investing in a relationship, working through problems, and living with people's quirks (and discovering our own).
On the other hand ... one of my best friends from college started dating her (now) husband the year after I left, and I like to joke that it happened then because she wasn't spending all her time with me anymore. :) So maybe there's a balance ...
8. BDB had the following to say on Apr 28 at 4:16 PM:
Tami (#1) wrote:
>>I highly doubt my (yet TBD) husband would be as super-excited to hit a sample sale with me as would my girlfriend. :) <<
That reminds me of a story...
I guy I worked with got a Harley-Davidson (so you know he's in his mid-40's). Anyway, he and some other hog owners went out riding. His wife went with for the day. He was ready to do it a bunch of times with her on the back. Her response was something like this:
"Sure honey. That's why you're going with ME tomorrow to a baby shower..."
9. Will Kearney had the following to say on Apr 28 at 4:52 PM:
If you've saved yourself for marriage sexually, I guarantee you that no amount of "being friends" is going to deter you from marriage.
Period.
10. Esther had the following to say on Apr 28 at 5:03 PM:
One of the things that I value most about my female friends is their willingness to just chat. Girls will review, analyze and dissect the minutiae of an encounter, a comment or long-ago incident. Guys are much more likely to stick to the current and pertinent, or just make a big joke out of the whole thing. Which can be great, but may not help you work through the issues you are dealing with. Girl-talk can help you get a new perspective on something, or help you work through an emotional morass.
Of course, I say all this, but know that the person I'm probably most likely to have an hour-long in-depth dissection of things with is my brother...
11. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 28 at 5:56 PM:
(P.S. that doesn't matter on my comment that: "And there's the woman who when in my last two years of college hosted a small group at her house "
edit: the small group started during my last year of college, I think...)
Anyway she's a wonderful elderly woman. I want to be like her, or at least a lot of what I saw of her, when I "grow up" :)
12. carri had the following to say on Apr 28 at 7:23 PM:
Same sex friendships are important, but I have learned a lot from my very best friend of 14 years, who is a man. we are both single and have never even thought of becoming romantic. I have learned from him, the qualities that I want in a future partner. He helps me to understand men and I help him understand women. We both know the boundaries and have never crossed them. This is friendship has definitely helped me to understand the opposite sex better. we have both agreed that we have put too much time and effort into our friendship that when we do find that right person, we will not let that interfere with our friendship.
13. a sassy sister had the following to say on Apr 28 at 8:13 PM:
Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries, as well as fulfilling specific purposes in our lives whether for a season or for the rest of our lives. But we must remember that human relationships are the resources to meet our needs, not the actual source of our needs. Translation? God is the one who meets our needs. The problem is when we grow so accustomed and attached to things and people(yes, even intimate friendships) that we confuse them as being the solution to our problems when they are actually the resource used to address the problem.
Anytime we depend more on a person for ultimate fulfillment, happiness and total comfort(male or female) we are heading up Dissapointment Drive.
14. Jessica had the following to say on Apr 28 at 8:28 PM:
Your article was exellent. I'll be heading off to college this fall as a Junior and I hope I meet at least one of those types of friends you listed. I think it's very important to have friends of both sexes but when a girl is unmarried she would naturally lean more toward the same sex friendship (excluding a possible headed-for-marriage friendship). But yes, you are completely right-girls need girls!
Keep up the good writing and God Bless,
Jessica W
15. Cheryl Okoli had the following to say on Apr 28 at 9:20 PM:
Will, kindly elaborate on your comment, "If you've saved yourself for marriage sexually, I guarantee you that no amount of "being friends" is going to deter you from marriage. Period"
I look forward to hearing from anyone else who can shed light on what Will meant. I, however, believe in going to the source for clarification of matters so I would really like to hear from Will.
Thanks!
Sincerely,
Beloved Star
16. dave b had the following to say on Apr 28 at 10:44 PM:
That has got to be one of the most ridiculous posts ever. Friendship with male a deterent for a marriage. Seriously? I dont plan on ever getting naked with any dude any time soon, no matter how close friends we are. Hanging out too long with my guys makes be want to get married.
I can see if you only hang with guys or the girls are always having ladies night how that could get in the way. I guess I just dont understand.
17. Nicole had the following to say on Apr 28 at 11:41 PM:
I don't think friendships with other women can be a deterrent at all. I have some amazing girl friends.
I have the one friend who holds me accountable and is always there for me. At the same time we live three and a half hours apart now because God took us in different directions.
I have a good friend who actually lives in the town I'm in, and she means a lot to me but at the same time I'm not the second priority in her life (after God). She has family, she is dating a guy, she has other friends, she has grad school. I don't grudge the time she spends with any of these. I have many of the same things.
I know that when I have time to spend a weekend somewhere and I haven't had a free weekend in a while I'm going to see my family.
No matter how close you are to your girl friends, and how much they can help you through and be things that no one else can be in a lot of ways (shopping buddy -- can't think of another example I actually hate shopping), they won't ever make me grow complacent about looking for a future husband. I mean, when my car ran out of gas the other day I had to call four people before I found someone willing to drop what they were doing to help me out (thankfully they were getting off work a block away). I've seen how my dad will drop what he's doing and come rescue my mom when she's stranded. I go to bed every night alone. I fix dinner most of the times for myself. No one actually expects me at home at any specific time (roommates give up on you after you spend the night on the couch at school once).
A girl friend is great, but at the end of the day we have separate lives, we make separate decisions (often with each other's input). Your husband is someone with whom you share a life and you make decisions together that are best for both of you because they effect you both.
None of that is to detract from the importance of having good girl friends. Trust me, they are absolutely necessary.
18. Ro had the following to say on Apr 29 at 3:18 AM:
I wish I could be content with just same-sex friendships.. Then I wouldn't want to be married so much. Then it wouldn't really matter that God was not answering my prayer for the past 3 years for an opposite-sex partner!
19. Riley had the following to say on Apr 29 at 3:53 AM:
What Rachael said "I think no friendship, including with that of a husband, will completely "fill the gap" that only God will fill." really rings true for me at the moment. I've been thinking about this alot lately.
I never had sisters. I usually get to see my friends only at church. And so it takes a long time to get to know anyone new. Probably doesn't help that I live by myself.
But sometimes I just need to talk.
At this point I'm beyond caring if my friends are guys or girls, I'm just glad to be a part of someone's life.
Right on, Will.
20. Loris had the following to say on Apr 29 at 7:32 AM:
Absolutely we need same-sex friends. When my husband and I moved to his hometown after our marriage I could not find any female friends and I very nearly went nuts. He didn't want to spend time with me either because I was sucking him dry in my desperation. We moved away after a very lonely 2 years, and now have a wonderful bunch of male friends for him. Mercifully for me, one of those young men has a fiancee I've clicked with. I've learned that my husband really doesn't want to hear everything that goes through my head, but my girlfriend is happy to assure me I'm not nuts and help me hash things out. She provides a valuable service to our marriage, as her sympathetic ear lets me vent and saves my husband from being bored and impatient with me.
21. Tami had the following to say on Apr 29 at 8:34 AM:
BDB, you crack me up. You've got an illustrative story for everything. :)
22. Julia H had the following to say on Apr 29 at 8:53 AM:
Every David needs a Jonathon.
That said, a man shouldn't have to "break the forcefield" in order to get to talk to a girl.
AND cliques can be a deterrent to forming new friendships of any kind. I encourage people to regularly socialize with those outside of your "best friend circle." That way you don't leave yourself open to the perception that you aren't interested in associating with the "other folks."
23. Julia H had the following to say on Apr 29 at 9:03 AM:
Sometime, Boundless should write an article on how important it is to have friends in every age group. We need to be friends with the elderly, married couples, singles, and younger people. Churches often lack community because we all want to clump with those who are the same age, race, gender, married status, or education.
Befriending people who are different from us provides us with opportunities for growth, mentorship and ministry and enriches our lives in so many ways. I have learned so much from the elderly women in my church who have been through much tragedy and yet remain faithful, from the mums with 4 or 5 kids who are seemingly endless wells of patience, and from the little kids who love to run and play and giggle and who give unconditional love and smiles every Sunday.
We are all part of the family of God and we lose out if we rule out having relationships with members of it simply because they are different from us.
24. Andrea had the following to say on Apr 29 at 10:46 AM:
I grew up in a family dominated by men. With two brothers and my dad, my mom and I were out-numbered. Though not boyish by any means, I was more comfortable cheering on a baseball team or discussing serious issues than chit-chatting with the girls. My mom and I talked. I was good with that.
Then I left home, went to college, got a job, started life ... and suddenly, I was more than just alone. I was emotionally drained. My closest brother was weary of being my shoulder to lean on. I had no outlet.
At that point, God gave me one of the most precious gifts of my life: girl friends.
They listen to me when I am weary. They never tire of hearing me try to talk my way through my confusion about guy stuff. They take me out to eat when I've had a bad day at work. They encourage me to stick to my exercise routine. They challenge me to follow Christ. They laugh and giggle and paint their toenails with me. They tell me if that dress makes me look fat. They tell me if that dress makes me look fabulous. They call me to share good news or to ease my burdens. They make life richer. They are my sisters. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them.
Yes, I agree with the person who said having a good female friendship dedicated to sticking it out despite conflicts is an excellent way to learn how to be in an opposite-sex romantic relationship ... from the dedication side of things.
But yes, sticking too close to the girls to the point where you betray a marital or romantic relationship is dangerous at best and disastrous at worst.
But I can tell you this much: as much as I long for the comfort and support of marriage, I will always take time for my girls. Even when (I say when to be optimistic here) I marry Mr. Wonderful, he's going to have to give me up for a few hours for Girls Night.
Unless, of course, he really WANTS to discuss haircuts, mani/pedis, shopping, and upcoming bridal and baby showers for friends.
I have a feeling he'll be glad to let me get it out of my system in the safety of other women. ;-)
25. Sarah had the following to say on Apr 29 at 10:47 AM:
I totally understood what Will Kearney meant. As good as those friendships are, those who live godly lifestyles and truly desire the benefits of marriage (children, etc.) will not be hindered by close friendships from seeking marriage, because those close friendships don't offer the benefits of marriage! :-) Good friendships I think actually cultivate dreams and encourage one towards marriage.
Guys need guy friends and girls need girl friends. I think this is true throughout our whole lives, whether before or after marriage.
In all of those friendships though, God needs to be first and our ultimate trust in Him. If any of our friendships are out of balance, that can be unhealthy or harmful. Also, I think it's important to be careful and led by the Spirit in who we have as close friends, to have "divine connections" so to speak. There are friendships that are draining and need to be left behind. And it's okay to do so. The friendships Suzzanne is referring to are edifying relationships that are healthy and build us up in our relationship with God.
I do see "Jerry's" concern as well and thought that was somewhat valid. Sure, lonely women are probably more likely to enter guy/girl relationships. But true godly friends who have their friend's best interest in mind will not hinder them from entering a godly relationship but rather help protect and offer safe haven from entering the wrong one. They will encourage them in getting married and having a family someday.
26. Katie B had the following to say on Apr 29 at 2:13 PM:
My female friends do not make me want marriage less, nor even want male friends less. I live with three other women in close quarters, I love them all dearly and am blessed to have them celebrate with me, pray for me, an be able to relate to them as women. but I also need people who are frank and unapologetic who will call me out on my stuff, teach me, criticize me, and dialogue with me objectively and unemotionally. While I need friends that I can relate to, if all I recieve is reinforcement then it is harder to grow and learn. I am very fortunate to be in a place where there I can work and study with men, and then go home and relate to women. This is the primary reason I wouldnt become a nun, despite the fact that women have greater freedom for ministry in the Catholic Church, I could give up marriage and all the good things that come with it if I felt so called by God. But I need a more diverse community of minds and spirits and ideas. If I try to bounce ideas for sermons or work through theological or doctrinal problems with women, they get emotional and see any difference of opinion as something that needs to be resolved, rather than a way to gain deeper understanding and personal integrety. But I cant have an emotional discussion or have the same kind of encouragement from men.
We need community, marriage isnt supposed to fulfill all relational needs, nothing and no one can be everything that we will ever need. Except God, who made us members of his Body joined by his spirit. We need everything he has given us.
27. Rachael had the following to say on Apr 29 at 4:32 PM:
Riley (19) wrote:
"Probably doesn't help that I live by myself.
But sometimes I just need to talk."
-->Yeah, it would be nice to have someone to ask and respond to the question "How was your day?" There are definite advantages to living alone, but not having anyone to talk to is definitely a disadvantage.
Re: Will (9) and dave b (16)
Do guys tend not to find themselves feeling emotionally attached to female friends? If the tendency to get attached is lower, perhaps this would explain their opinions...
28. Kelly had the following to say on Apr 29 at 7:02 PM:
I currently have a void of girlfriends at the moment, and it's times like these that makes me realise HOW MUCH I need them.
Two years ago I had several close girlfriends but it's amazing how quickly that can change. Some met the "love of their lives" and had no time for a single friend. Others had babies, some moved away. And then there were two that simply vanished from my life without explanation. (Yes, that hurt deeply.)
We need girlfriends who are in a similar life stage (as well as others), who can understand our daily struggles and aloneness. Because, trust me, trying to express to a new mum how these empty hours hurt is near impossible because she'd do almost anything for 5 minutes of peace.
29. kaj had the following to say on Apr 30 at 9:22 PM:
Kelly, (#28), I completely agree with you, and I can identify with the frustration of that void.
It's been hard as a 30-something single trying to find the right people to connect and share with. Many times all I get are the overworn clichés from both the "you need to be happy being single" and the "you need to do everything you can to get married" camps.
For the times I connect with the right people at the right time I cherish that, and sorely miss those times and people when they are gone.
Losing a friend for whatver reason is a loss, and feeling sad and grieving over that loss is normal. It could be as devastating in some people's minds as if someone died. To just say "just get over and move on" is not the best thing to say.
For us singles, these friends may be all that we have. We'd like to get married, but until then, we get scraps here and there of love from all kinds of friends until marriage is a reality.
I have had my share of "psedo-friendships" with guys, and my share of all kinds of girlfriends. But to this single person, they sometimes have been all I had.
And to anyone who insists "Jesus is all you need," or "God alone can fulfill your needs," my response is that as human beings, we have needs that God chooses not to fulfill by Himself alone.
For example, I cannot find anywhere in the Bible on how to care for my car. As strong and mighty as God is, He has not come down out of Heaven to help me move furniture. God has also not whispered in my ear when I try on clothes which color best suits my complexion. And even with guardian angels to protect me, my relatives still worry if I am out somewhere at night in the city by myself, in spite of me being a "grown woman!"
30. vj had the following to say on May 2 at 8:48 PM:
#19 and #27: I recently moved away from roommates and back on my own and while I love the choice of coming home to an empty house, I do miss the companionship on a Sunday evening stretching endlessly out alone.
After being on "girl-friend" overload for the past two years, I'm really craving platonic male friendships. Growing up, I always had more guy friends than girl friends and I'm really feeling the void. I have a few close female friends right now, and that is more than enough. Blessedly, there are quite a few guys at my new job to chat with about things like basketball games and motorcycles! I get tired of hearing the latest hawkings from "What Not to Wear." I'm far more interested in the Magic vs Pistons round 2 playoff games.
I'm really praying that since God provided a good job, a safe place to live alone, and (finally!) a church to call home...that a spouse isn't too far in the future. I've been prepping and praying my whole life for my future husband. Can't wait to meet him!
31. a sassy sister had the following to say on May 2 at 9:29 PM:
okay, kaj:
as a single female who is dealing with the loss of friendships, let me say the following:
We are made for relationships, yes...but our relationships with others are resources and opportunities to show and share God's love with others. I get tired of people who always talk about both extremes in regards to dealing with singleness but never talk about living life as a single with purpose, passion for God, and a solid understanding of their worth, identity, and purpose in Christ.
as far as the car issue goes,you have choices in regards to how you live as a single. While any stage of life can have its ups and downs, the the ability to practice contentment and build perserverance has nothing to do with your marital status. You have a choice in the matter of doing something about it. You know absolutely nothing about cars, so you need to step out there and look for someone in your community who does. Do your homework. God gave you a brain and body to act responsibly and wisely. I am not saying that it might be slightly more difficult to move furniture or find a shopping partner. But it can be done. It just depends on the strength of your "network", and when I say network, I mean to say friends. While you can pray and ask God for wisdom and discernment in building friendships and community with others, I also believe that you must mirror what you want. So if you want a friend, you must be one and be patient.
by the way, as far as those extremes go, you can tell whether or not you can go deep in those relationships by asking telling questions about singleness and the church. At that point when you see the red flags, you know not to engage on that level and to keep it moving.
32. Greg had the following to say on May 9 at 3:19 PM:
I wouldn't consider same sex friendships a deterrent to marriage but a pathway to marriage. If you think about it marriage is just another type of friendship. You cultivate how to be a friend with your spouse by interactions with people of the same and opposite sex. Put it this way, I've lived with a male roommates and friends since college (I'm 26 now) and while it certainly won't teach me everything I need to know when and if I get married and live with a woman...it has taught me quite a bit. How to divide housework, how to handle arguments, how to be financially responsible, how to deal with different schedules, and how to respect each other.