When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you?
by Ted Slater on 03/19/2008 at 11:30 AM
I heard this phrase recently: "When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you."
On one hand, it does feel like a humble and deferential sentiment, deferring to God and trusting in His gracious providence. It has the sense of being content, rather than discontent, with where the Lord has you. It communicates a kind of anti-idolatry.
But then I think of what Jesus had to say about desiring good things (and be assured: marriage is a very good thing).
Consider Matthew 7:7-11, which has Jesus saying, "Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you." The implication is that when we desire something good and within His will, it is appropriate for us to ask God for that thing, and to keep asking. We're not to stifle such desires, but to confess them to our Lord.
Or consider the story Jesus told of the man who kept knocking at his friend's door, asking for three loaves of bread. Jesus explains that "because of his shameless persistence and insistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs" (Luke 11:8). As such persistence proves effective with a friend, such persistence will prove effective with God.
Are you single, and wanting to be married, and are you losing heart? Jesus directly addresses this, offering a parable "to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart." Jesus speaks of a widow (interestingly, an unmarried woman) who kept petitioning a judge for something. Finally that judge relented because "this widow keeps bothering me." In the same way, Jesus says, God will come to the aid of those "who cry to him day and night."
Jesus did not condemn people for strongly desiring good things. He affirmed persistent, even bothersome, prayer. Whether you're wanting your daily bread or a husband, taking your concerns to the Lord is a very good, and very appropriate, thing. Be encouraged and, as Jesus said, "Do not lose heart."
1. Paul H said the following at 11:37 AM on Mar 19:
"When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you."
What does that phrase even mean? If you truly stop wanting something, then you wouldn't want it even if and when God "gave it to you."
For crying out loud...
2. Christina said the following at 11:45 AM on Mar 19:
Thanks :)
I needed to hear this.
3. Elizabeth said the following at 11:46 AM on Mar 19:
A friend and I were just discussing this issue last night. I in particular greatly desire a husband and family and have been struggling with what to DO with that desire in light of continuing to not have a husband. And my friend and I kind of arrived at what you outlined - it was a comfort to have it confirmed.
4. kaj said the following at 11:49 AM on Mar 19:
Likewise, if someone struggles with infertility or going through the "red tape" in adoption, it's heartless and insensitive to say, "when you stop wanting to have babies, God will give you one."
5. April said the following at 11:51 AM on Mar 19:
"Stop wanting marriage and God will give it to you?" That's nothing more than a shortened form of expressing a warped understanding of contentment. Some people mistakenly think being content without something means you stop wanting it. But to think that way misunderstands the meaning of biblical contentment. Desire and contentment are not mutually exclusive. They can co-exist, but only in the godly. It is good and right to persist in prayer for something we want, but not to the point (1) where we can't be at peace without the thing we desire or (2)where our prayer and desire for that thing push become obsessive and pushes out other, more important aspects of life.
As Christians, our priorities must be biblical priorities if we want to live biblically. Jesus and the apostles placed a high value on marriage and family, but they did not make those things the be-all-end-all of our existence. Bringing Christ to the world in all we say, do, and think gets much higher billing in Scripture than these secondary matters.
6. farmer Tom said the following at 11:57 AM on Mar 19:
Ted you stated the case very well.
We should never try to play games with God.
Tell him the truth. (I want to farm for myself again). To attempt to convince myself that I no longer desire this is both foolish and unBiblical.
If according to Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Trying to hide our wants and desires is not possible and will only lead to complete frustration.
Better to tell God the truth, and allow Him to help you deal with the here and now until He reveals His plan for you.
7. Vincenzo said the following at 12:00 PM on Mar 19:
Well said Ted. It's like someone saying,"Gee Lord I would love to get healed of cancer, AIDS, etc. But I really don't want to now. I think I'll just die a slow and painful death." Hopefully soon such a mysoginistic theology will be a thing of the past.
8. a sassy sister said the following at 12:01 PM on Mar 19:
Ted,
I think the point that you're making about praying and not losing heart is good. Marriage is not bad. Desiring marriage is not bad. However, if my desire to be married is really driven by my fear of being alone, of being rejected (by society,the church, etc.), then that needs to be addressed, because that fear will still be there---it just becomes more obvious and chronic in the marriage covenant I enter into.
What I would really like to see is believers sharing the love of God with each other and accepting each other's differences. Everyone in the body of Christ has a part to play in its edification and growth, and to treat singles that haven't married and/or haven't started having kids yet is ridiculous. If each of us were only minding the business of each other as far as walking in love with each other, maybe posts like these would be few and far between.
I think you're right when it comes to persistent prayer for good things. But is that prayer still good if the motives for desiring that good thing is primarily about getting what we want for our sole satisfaction? Is that prayer still good if the reasons for our persistence is because we think our way is better?
9. Amir Larijani said the following at 12:03 PM on Mar 19:
Ted:
This is what I think is happening...
You have a lot of pastors (and other ministers) out there who are used to dealing with the sick and the dying, evangelizing the unsaved, and even admonishing believers about matters of Christian living.
On the other hand, they are not trained to deal with the issue of singles being single and wanting to be married.
Ergo, they are grasping for straws.
They don't know how to answer, so they'll fall back on something that sounds safe. This is why they'll often say, "Jesus is all you need", or "When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you", or "Don't look for a spouse...God will provide."
Unfortunately, their "advice"--however well-intentioned--is only making things worse for people who want to be married and are expressing a perfectly Biblical aspiration.
I guess that leaves us with a couple takeaways:
(1) A really good teacher or preacher is not too proud to admit it when a person asks him a question and he doesn't know the answer.
Many preachers get asked such questions. Instead of making up an answer when one does not know it--or resorting to platitudes--the minister is better off if he is honest and admits that he doesn't know. That alone would clear much confusion.
(2) This is where Boundless has the opportunity to score lots of points on behalf of us singles.
The case for the aspiration to marriage is a Biblical one; Christians are right to aspire to that covenant; the Church ought to exhort and admonish youth about the the goodness of, significance of, and responsibilities that come with, the marriage covenant.
10. Chris Roberts said the following at 12:12 PM on Mar 19:
I don't know how many times I heard that phrase, or its variant ("If you stop looking for a wife, God will provide.") before getting married, and it's one of the silliest things I've ever heard. I recall one friend that put it something like this:
"Yes, I went through what you are going through. I just kept trying and trying to find someone but I never was able to. Finally I got tired of looking so I stopped and was content with my singleness. That's when God led me to the woman who is now my wife."
Well good for you. I had a little more perseverance. I kept looking and through that God eventually led me to the woman who is now MY wife. Sometimes God gives us what we aren't looking for. Usually God gives something to us while we look, while we seek.
11. Eliza said the following at 12:21 PM on Mar 19:
As warped and weird as it may be, I can't TELL you how many times I've heard this statement! Just goes to show that even though something sounds good in context (the context in this case being "giving one's desires to the Lord") doesn't mean it's good or biblical. It's amazing how much not-quite-biblical stuff gets slipped into the Christian jargon.
12. Raj Sharma said the following at 12:31 PM on Mar 19:
"When you stop wanting......."
is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.
It was also the most persistent thing I heard from the married couple who led my InterVarsity chapter in college.
13. Paul H said the following at 12:35 PM on Mar 19:
Well said, Amir (#9).
14. Brent said the following at 12:41 PM on Mar 19:
I heard this phrase recently: "When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you."
To which you may reply, "When you stop wanting holiness, God will give it to you." Or even St. Augustine's famous prayer, "Lord give me chastity, just not yet."
:-)
15. a sassy sister said the following at 12:42 PM on Mar 19:
bottom line, I'm going to be totally honest here. Believe it or not, I have wanted God to do things for me or wanted things so much that I became ANXIOUS and worried about whether or not they were going to happen. That anxiety can drive us to make poor choices that actually separate our dreams from actually happening.
16. BDB said the following at 12:47 PM on Mar 19:
It seems like this phrase is a confusion of the message given to Gideon in Judges 6-7, specifically:
"And the LORD said to Gideon, "The people who are with you are too many for Me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying, 'My own hand has saved me.'" (Judges 7:2)
Moses was also kept from the promised land because he took matters into his own hands, instead of obeying God's direction to him.
On one occaision he was instructed to strike a rock to get water:
"Behold, I will stand before you there on the rock in Horeb; and you shall strike the rock, and water will come out of it, that the people may drink. (Exodus 17:6)
Later on, he blew it:
"Take the rod; you and your brother Aaron gather the congregation together. Speak to the rock before their eyes, and it will yield its water; thus you shall bring water for them out of the rock, and give drink to the congregation and their animals. So Moses took the rod from before the Lord as He commanded him. And Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly together before the rock; and he said to them, "Hear now, you rebels! Must we bring water for you out of this rock?" Then Moses lifted his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came out abundantly, and the congregation and their animals drank. Then the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron, "Because you dd not believe Me, to hallow Me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them." (Numbers 20:7-12)
Aaron dies in Numbers 20:24, with God specifically pointing out this act of disobedience as the reason he's dying in the wilderness. Moses makes it to Deuteronomy 34:4, but God only lets him see the promised land, not enter it.
So, these passages say nothing about "wanting" or "not wanting." But they do speak to the importance of obedience, regardless of what the individual wants.
17. Rock said the following at 12:47 PM on Mar 19:
I as well can't tell you how many times I've heard this ridiculous statement. And it always used to frustrate me. I mean, really, does it even make sense? It conveys the message that God has to be tricked into giving you what you really want, rather than the biblical view of wanting good things that is covered above. Plus it is very ascetic, ie. you can't want to be married in order for that want to be fulfilled. Major props to boundless for calling Christian culture out on this subject.
18. Paul H said the following at 12:51 PM on Mar 19:
Chris Roberts (#10): Isn't possible that God wasn't leading either you or your friend to your respective spouses? Unbelievers who are not even praying to God for spouses meet each other every day when they (a) stop looking, and (b) are looking.
Why must we hyper-spiritualize everything? The rain falls "on the just and the unjust." A farmer prays for rain for his crops, and at the same time one mile away, a woman prays for dry weather for her daughter's wedding. Whatever the weather is, someone thinks their prayer was answered and the other one thinks God had it in for him.
This is like pagan cultures reading tea leaves or chicken entrails to constantly know what their false gods are doing to them.
19. Tracy said the following at 12:51 PM on Mar 19:
Thanks for the post. I too have heard many variants of the "God will give it to you once you stop wanting it so badly" speech. Unfortunately, I have even heard speakers use Psalm 46: 10 -- "Cease striving..." (NASB) or "Be still..." (NIV) to encourage single women to stop seeking after marriage -- that it would just come when when they gave up their desires and "striving".
I came to the conclusion long ago that such a concept was ridiculous -- but it is good to see affirmation of it. Well said.
20. Jill said the following at 1:00 PM on Mar 19:
In my experience and in that of quite a few friends, it seemed that it wasn't until we were content with our singleness that God provided a husband. Not content in the sense that we no longer desired marriage or even stopped preparing for it, but content in the knowledge that God had provided what we needed at the time. I think the biggest danger for women in pursuing marriage is trying to fulfill the desire we have for communion with God with human companionship. In my experience, when you are doing that, your relationships will be pretty unhealthy. When my relationship with God wasn't what it should be, my judgment in this area was less than ideal.
21. Rachael said the following at 1:04 PM on Mar 19:
Good reminder of the importance of praying fervently for a spouse. I fail in this regard. I think very frequent prayer about specific requests is tough for me because I'm lazy and because I know He knows what will happen (so probably a lack of faith is connected with this). This is horrible; I know prayer is important and that it is expected of us. Hopefully this confession will inspire me to act to change this.
Even if I start praying very frequently and fervently for a spouse (hopefully I will), it would be refreshing if the thoughts related to marriage and singleness would decrease, and if the thoughts of God and His Word would increase. Doesn't mean I have to stop desiring marriage all together, but what is my god - marriage or God? I think my sister said that when she gave up on guys or something related to that that that was when she met or got closer to her now-husband, or something along those lines. Not saying God will grant us a spouse only if our contentment is achieved in Him alone, but ultimate satisfaction in Him would be something good to strive for, wouldn't it? To strive for contentment in Him while being open for what He may have in store for us...that's my ideal. Deep down probably the desire for marriage will always be there, so I'd like it if I at some point change and not think about guy/gal related issues as often as I do. Just think it would be better for me. Not saying people should be passive and completely hidden; I completely support involvement in church and possibly an additional Christian community(ies). I think it's okay for us humans to take a step back, I guess, in our hopes, and desire to accept what God has in store for us. His promises and heaven hold the ultimate hope. At least personally I hope God will give me the power to adjust my focus to be more on Him and less on marriage. Yes, marriage is beautiful. Not bitter about others experiencing its joys, but if it's not in the plan for the moment, I want to seek more of the beauty God offers in life and in His promises.
But these are just words and ideal hopes :). Again, thanks for the reminder to pray fervently!
22. Rachael said the following at 1:13 PM on Mar 19:
PS April (5) wrote:
"Desire and contentment are not mutually exclusive. [...] It is good and right to persist in prayer for something we want, but not to the point (1) where we can't be at peace without the thing we desire or (2)[...]"
I like this first sentence. Good point. And I like point #1. I would like to learn how to be at peace without the thing I desire. I think parts of me are, but there are still parts that are uncomfortable.
What exactly is contentment? Being at peace and discovering his mercies and being amazed at His sovereignty over the little things? How does the secret of contentment in Phil. 4:13 play out into real life? Realizing we can do all through His strength? I think that's it...so realizing our strength comes from Him and that He can provide strength to go through any situation wherever we are...but how do we recognize this in real life? Is it possible to recognize our contentment, or is it possible to be largely content with a pocket of discontentment of unfulfilled desire? Hmmm...rambling now, so that's enough.
23. Caleb S. said the following at 1:24 PM on Mar 19:
I am not sure what to think. I recently started dating a girl after saying a year ago I'm just fine being single for now. I still desired marriage but wasn't "on the prowl" or anything like that. Almost exactly a year later I meet this girl and there is an instant attraction.
So, am I to say the Lord is blessing me because I decided to be content single? I don't think one can say that because I have known guys "burning with desire" who were out there ready to make a kill and bagged a wife and are still happily married 5 years latter.
God can bless you no matter what state you are in. To pursue one or the other I think is ridiculous. I think both can create a false sense of hope. I do like that you point out it is a good thing to desire to be married. There is nothing wrong with actively pursuing it, nor is there anything wrong with being patient.
24. Katie B said the following at 1:29 PM on Mar 19:
I have a friend who for several years pursued marriage dillegently, read the books, went to singles groups, asked older males for help, ect. He eventually felt led by God to give all that up, to trust in God's provision and plans. So he decided to stop dating ect. for a year. A month into that year he met his now-wife, who tells a strikingly similar story, they got married about a year after he gave up pursuing marriage.
Trying to give up your desire for something because you will get it when you don't want it is kind of impossible. You cant stop wanting something because you want it so much. I think Amir is onto something with his observations. We Christians are great at platitudes. Marriage, and the desire for it are real and not bad, if they drive us to Christ, since marriage itself is a way God reveals his character and relationship to us. But when it is twisted from that, as April and a sassy sister point out, desire becomes idolotry or false comfort, which is never a good place to begin a marraige.
My friend didnt give up his desire for a wife, he still greatly desired to be married, he gave up his own selfish plans and turned to relying on God alone. Only then was he ready for marriage.
My preparations for marriage are the same as for the rest of my life, to be whole and secure before God, as I am, so I dont bring unhealthy desires into a relationship, and to trust God to take care of me no matter what happens or doesnt happen.
25. Amir Larijani said the following at 1:38 PM on Mar 19:
Caleb:
I hear ya. On the other hand, you need to be considering whether your g/f is marriageable and you need to be seeking God on that matter. Do not drag your heels and unwittingly string her along.
(BTW: I'm not saying that you are doing that, just admonishing you about the dangers of that happening.)
In fairness to Maken, she's right about that dynamic.
26. NeedACatchyName said the following at 1:39 PM on Mar 19:
I've never really heard anyone use that expression, though I have heard similar variants admonishing singles that they will find a spouse when they stop obsessing over it and start putting things in a little more perspective. And if I may play devil's advocate for a moment, I think there's at least a kernel of truth of truth to this. While there's nothing wrong with desiring marriage, some people obsess over it to the point that they focus on nothing but finding a spouse and neglect other spiritual disciplines and practices. This eventually turns into bitterness and anger towards God and the church because the ideal boyfriend/girlfriend didn't immediately materialize despite all of their obsession. And in this case, I would say that yes, these people don't have to stop desiring a spouse or praying for one, but they do need to stop obsessing over it and start concentrating a little more on other aspects of the Christian life, realizing that their prayers are heard, but not always answered in the way that we always want them to be answer. In a way, I think this is what people really mean when they say "When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you" (though I acknowledge they could phrase it much better)--that we need to stop being anxious and worried about it and yield to God's providence to lead us to marriage in His time.
27. rosabacio said the following at 1:50 PM on Mar 19:
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of our heart. Psalm 37:4
28. Dan (real name -> pursuing wife) said the following at 1:53 PM on Mar 19:
Nice post Ted! I sat under this kind of teaching and assumptions for most of my adult life, and now have extricated myself from it. True, it is all up to God, but where do we get the idea that God is somehow some kind of killjoy?
Thanks, and lets keep the POSITIVITY going on this post.
29. Zeb said the following at 1:56 PM on Mar 19:
Rachael (21&22) I think you nailed it on the head. The statement about wanting marriage I will say get said to much but some times a person is wanting marriage to the point that lose focuses on God. I have seen women say oh I am going to get married and put a time line on God before they even started dating a person. Yea we need to be persistence in our prayers but not to the point that we miss the people god has for us. I speak of this for my self I marred my best girl friend but right before we started dating I was not even looking at her in that way at all then God hit me up side the head and gave me a realty check and often when people are told to "When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you." it is because they have lost focuses on God most of the time people told me that statement followed it up with focus on God and he will give it to you in His time and He did.
30. Elizabeth H. said the following at 2:03 PM on Mar 19:
For the most part I agree with this post, although I think that Jill in #20 had a good point about contentment. I do think that God sometimes delays answering prayer so that in our need we will draw closer to Him. But I don't think there's a general rule that you can apply. There's no perfect spiritual state that you can attain and at that moment be ready for marriage.
31. Jeni said the following at 2:09 PM on Mar 19:
Thanks Ted for addressing one of my least favorite christianese lines. "When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you." I agree with you, we need to be persisent in prayer and to not lose heart.
The reminder to be encouraged is important as losing heart seems to be the easiest route!
32. Heidi said the following at 2:23 PM on Mar 19:
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Now before everyone jumps on me, let me clarify that I agree that the notion that God will provide a spouse if you stop looking is utterly ridiculous. But I suspect that this verse sums up the underlying "logic" behind the statement: the idea that if you're searching for a spouse you must not be delighting in the Lord, else He would have accomodated your desires.
Now, there sometimes can be truth in that statement, but to imply that it is always so is an incorrect and degrading assumption.
If someone sees evidence that there may be heart issues in a single person's life, perhaps having marriage as an idol in his/her heart, then it should be gently and lovingly brought to their attention as a concern, so that the sin may be addressed and the heart issue dealt with. Certainly nothing like this foolish statement, which does nothing except discourage and place condmenation on something good in the Lord's sight.
33. Jennifer said the following at 2:28 PM on Mar 19:
Thanks Ted, for this helpful post...right up there with the one questioning the GoS last year.
Related to the fallacy of "get marriage by not wanting it" is the notion that you have to have the "right motives", such as "sanctification" or "to further the kingdom". Indeed, the scriptures illustrates marriage accomplishing these purposes, but it discusses it more in terms of meeting human needs (Gen 2:18; 1 Cor 7:2, 1 Cor 9:5, etc.).
Fear of the negative is not necessarily a bad motivator (although you wouldn't want it to be the primary one). Certainly 1 Cor 7:2 suggests a purpose for marriage that has more to do with avoiding something bad (sin). Being "the divorce generation" many of us have been warned against marrying lest "something bad" should happen. I think we also need to talk about the negative consequences of not marrying. For many people, the fear of not marrying is quite realistic.
However, God does not want us to have a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound mind (2 Tim 1:7), which all the more compells us to "pray boldly", as Candice puts it in her book.
34. Heidi said the following at 2:29 PM on Mar 19:
P.S. Rachael (#22), one thing I've found is that Paul's "secret to being content in any and every situation" was, more literally translated, "I have strength for all things in Christ" or as I like to say, "I can endure all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I first figured this out when I read the verse and found out it didn't really make sense int he way we use it, because Paul talks about being well fed or hungry, in plenty or in want...his secret through that was that he could "do" anything he wanted/needed to do?
Or was his secret that not matter what, Christ would give him the strength to endure whatever circumstance awaited him?
My mom knows greek, so I then asked her about it, and she said the word "do" is not in there. So my suggestion is to remove the word "do" from the verse, read it in context, and see what you come up with. :)
35. Anna Broadway said the following at 2:33 PM on Mar 19:
What this seems to be getting at are the underlying issues of control and helplessness. I find that one of the hardest things is being in a place where desire or longing are raging fiercely in me, and just taking all that to God without trying to mute the pain of not having what I want. And yet, as raw as that state can be, one thing I really find depressing about some of the “contentment” writings by single people is the way they seem to neuter or dampen the longing for marriage -- taking on an emotional asceticism – in order to be at peace with their spouseless state. It’s sometimes a rather subtle thing, but I guess I find it discouraging both because of how it implies that one must eventually lose or reduce that desire, and also because of the intimacy I’ve found with God in the rare moments when I DO take my fiercest longings to Him. If I took the “gift” approach, I’d lose out on the closeness of those moments when my yet-unmet “needs” knit me to him.
36. dana111 said the following at 2:41 PM on Mar 19:
Thanks for the reminder, Ted. Even though I am living a great life right now as a single person, I still long to be married- sooner rather than later. I will continue to pray for marriage while simultaneously being a good steward of my education, trying to get out of debt, and finding a great local church to serve in. I do believe in marriage, and I will not be ashamed to ask God to provide a godly husband when He sees fit. I am not looking for marriage to solve all of my problems because, in all reality, the love of God is sufficient. However, I do desire to serve God via the convenantial union of marriage. Like Hannah's desire to give her son's life back to God, I realize that marriage is not for my own benefit, even though it is beneficial for LOTS of things. Eartly marriage demonstrates God's heavenly love and desire for His Bride, the Church, and I am determined to use my marriage to glorify God above all else.
37. Debbie said the following at 2:44 PM on Mar 19:
I've heard this "wisdom" before too. For some reason, every time I hear someone say this, I imagine a little kid saying to God over and over "Look at me! Over here! Needing a husband! Which I've clearly stopped wanting! So You can send him now."
I think there might be some truth to the spirit of the advice, as misguided as the actual phrasing might be. I think that in order to find a godly spouse, we have to let go of our preconceived notions of who and when we will marry. That doesn't mean giving up on our pursuit of the call to marriage. It means allowing God to work in our lives in His time in His way (and not demanding our way on our timeline).
38. Andrea said the following at 2:47 PM on Mar 19:
THANK YOU!!!
I have been bothered by that statement for years. It might not have been explicitly said, but every single missionary, every married mentor, every message on singleness carried this underlying sentiment.
I understand the base issue: contentment in where God has put you in life.
But to insinuate that marriages are like gold stars handed out for good behavior? It makes me shudder. I've even said as much to friends of mine. God is not in the business of tricking us into following his will.
39. Chris Roberts said the following at 2:50 PM on Mar 19:
Paul H:
I think your comment had to do with the question of whether or not God has a specific spouse in mind for you...? I wasn't touching that. But I do believe when we seek God's leading, he will give it, even if his ways of guiding us are not obvious. We pray before we make decisions not because we expect to see signs in the heavens but because we believe God will help us to make wise decisions.
My friend said stop looking for a wife and God will lead you to one. That is one way of trusting God to guide us, but it shouldn't be considered an instruction for all believers. My way was to keep looking but to pray for guidance, and God did guide me to a wonderful wife. Unsaved people might find a good spouse and have a solid marriage without seeking godly wisdom, but I would much rather seek the wisdom of God in some way or other than go it on my own.
40. Brooke said the following at 2:50 PM on Mar 19:
excellent.
the Lord has really been prodding me to to talk less and pray WAY more in regards to my husband. and to not give up. it's sooooo easy to lose heart, to whine, to become anxious and to avoid praying, the one thing that is going to help the situation.
41. Jim said the following at 3:02 PM on Mar 19:
This whole idea of contentment, submitting to God, humbling ourselves etc. is good and God desires it in us and is working it into us. We are His workmanship. The problem with connecting contentment with God giving us what we desire is a totally works based concept. It says if we are good God will be good to us. It takes the giving away from God and makes Him our debtor if we are good. It turns the whole thing upside down. It steals God's glory. We are his children and He is most glorified when He gives us what we do not deserve, like mercy, forgiveness, salvation etc. God loves us because of the work Jesus did. He wants to and will bless us. He will give us anything that is good for us. Sometimes waiting is good for us. I hate it though.
42. Michele Samuelson said the following at 3:10 PM on Mar 19:
It's not really about not "wanting" it - it's about ceasing to look for and long for nothing else. The thought of marriage, of getting married, drove everything I did from the moment I graduated high school. Until, two years into college, I realized that I needed to simply live my life! We have to be intentional, sure, but we also have to take the time to find out what else we may be called upon to do. If marriage is in the cards, God will provide - but the only way to remain sane in the meantime is to practice patience and live an active single life!
And you know what? Four years after I made the commitment to live my life without marriage as my primary goal and focus, God did provide. He is endlessly faithful, y'all!
43. Jess said the following at 3:35 PM on Mar 19:
"When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you" is the Christian equivalent of "you'll meet someone when you're least looking." Both are crap, and both have been spouted at me more times than I'd care to count.
Re: contentment, what I have come to realize myself this past year or so is that I can desire marriage and pray for it and yet give my anxiety about it over to God. I used to feel guilty that I was dissatisfied with singleness, and then I allowed myself to admit my frustration and sadness and went too far in the other direction, and was more fixated on it than I'd like to be. I feel that I am finally finding a happy medium, wherein I can ask God to grant me the desires of my heart, and trust that He'll see me through even if the answer is "no" or "not yet."
44. Katherine said the following at 4:52 PM on Mar 19:
I have unfortunately heard/read this a lot. Mostly it came from Elizabeth Elliott, particularly in her book "Quest for Love". Thank you for voicing the reasons you find it false and unhelpful, Ted. You cannot force God's hand or put yourself in a place that guarantees the acquisition of something (like a spouse) from God like this: it's magic, not faith. That may be the way it happened for a number of people (surrender it, stop actively looking, then find spouse), but it cannot be forced into a "successful spouse-finding" formula.
45. Sarah said the following at 5:16 PM on Mar 19:
I've always felt this whole statement was a secular one that's been turned into a "biblical" one. I can think of at least 10 movies where the female character "gave up on guys" only to find 10 "totally hott" guys pursuing her the very next week, and just like that she had found her "soul mate" as soon as she stopped trying to find him!
To me if you don't live your life intentionally focused on what you believe God is going to do in your life you’re not acting on the faith God’s given you. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. To me praying and thinking (not obsessing) about my husband each day encourages me to plan for marriage. However to stop wanting marriage would mean I would not want to pray about it or think about it and I would then stop planning for it and therefore living more for myself and not making decisions that will someday support my marriage. Even if I did have the latter attitude it of course doesn’t mean I still couldn’t find myself married, but I’d rather give God the glory when I am married and find myself in a better position to be married (i.e. no debt, no memories from relationships in the past that were too emotionally or physically intimate, etc.) because I’d prayed each day for God to lead me in wisdom with a humble heart to pray for my future and my husband’s future and to give me trust that when marriage comes it will be because of His perfect plans.
Lately I’ve been praying and meditating on these two verses, they are really helping me to understand and be joyful about each stage of my life because God has a purpose and a plan.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven – Ecclesiastes 3:1
Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. – Psalm 139:16
46. Rachael said the following at 6:23 PM on Mar 19:
Hey Heidi,
Interesting about the lack of 'do'...though probably in my subconscious I was probably thinking along the same lines as you with endure through Christ's strength. Even with that...how do you apply it to real life? Perhaps knowing Who holds the key. Knowing that He won't leave. Knowing that He'll strength will suffice. Yeah that's satisfying knowing that. Knowing that, as I heard in a short clip of John Piper (against the prosperity gospel), "God is enough." That's what I want to feel. That God is enough. And I do to an extent...my mind certainly thinks so, but somehow I have straying heart patches that can realistically feel otherwise...prone to wander...
Jess (43) --> good idea about contentment being giving your anxiety to God. That would seem to fall in line w/ Phil. 4.
Good point, good point...just want to be more attuned to recognizing and seeking contentment in 'real life'.
Thanks guys!
47. Kellly said the following at 7:05 PM on Mar 19:
I'm torn... part of me wants a husband (that God-given longing) but part of me doesn't. Life is just so much EASIER without a significant other.
Maybe this is a backlash because my dating relationships have been hard, and ultimately not worth the tears. Maybe it's been so long since I've loved someone that I've forgotten the good in it. Sure, I love family and I love friends and from all reports, the marriage bond, once past the initial infatuation, develops into much the same kind of love. (Only with the added frustration of having to live with that person every day.)
So why do I need it?
I'm so much more well balanced as a single person; my emotions are calm and I'm happier. 15 years of dating has been such a rollercoaster; is it so wrong to stop praying for marriage?
48. dave said the following at 10:47 PM on Mar 19:
This is the stupidest cliche in christian subculture. Contentment is attractive but a man is supposed to find his wife. We are just not supposed to make an idol out of it.
49. Christina said the following at 11:40 PM on Mar 19:
Philippians 4:10 (to the anxious comments and some of the Psalm 37:4 crowd)
Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God. And the peace which passes all understanding will be with you always.
Going along with the Matthew verses, pretty much if you WANT something and you DESIRE something, you should be PRAYING about it and TRUSTING God with it to avoid becoming ANXIOUS about it.
Psalm 37:4 (one of my favorite verses) imo, is simply about making God the chief desire of your heart. Glorifying God is my ultimate goal and desire, however that doesn't erase my other desires of marriage and motherhood. I'm still going to want them. But in light of desiring God above all else, I can be content in knowing that when I die, even if I've never married, I would have lived a full life if I have lived every moment for him alone. And the fulfillment of that desire is being with him for eternity.
I think its dangerous to suggest that if you don't have something you desired, then you must not be delighting in the Lord. Or saying that if you desire anything but God then you must not be delighting in him.
50. annie said the following at 4:55 AM on Mar 20:
great discussion going on and all i have to add is "who of you, if your son asked for a fish would give him a snake?"
or maybe, say "i'll feed you when you're no longer hungry".
I'm learning to, as Jesus said, "trust in the love of God". To my mind (and i hope i'm not oversimplyfying this) if a good desire is expressed, why would God deny you until your faith in His love, His good will, His ability and His good-thoughts towards you totally died?
is that love? would you do that with your children? anyone? (and then say it's an exercise in faith/perserverance or some other such?)
>>>
but here's something else i wonder- like every time i read through the blogs chat:
there's a bunch of single guys and single girls - and wouldn't it be lovely if they found each other?
aaawwww...not sure it could happen- and obviously that's not the primary reason, but am i the only one who has had the thought?
x
51. annie said the following at 5:05 AM on Mar 20:
great discussion going on and all i have to add is "who of you, if your son asked for a fish would give him a snake?"
or maybe, say "i'll feed you when you're no longer hungry".
I'm learning to, as Jesus said, "trust in the love of God". To my mind (and i hope i'm not oversimplyfying this) if a good desire is expressed, why would God deny you until your faith in His love, His good will, His ability and His good-thoughts towards you totally died?
is that love? would you do that with your children? anyone? (and then say it's an exercise in faith/perserverance or some other such?)
>>>
but here's something else i wonder- like every time i read through the blogs chat:
there's a bunch of single guys and single girls - and wouldn't it be lovely if they found each other?
aaawwww...not sure it could happen- and obviously that's not the primary reason, but am i the only one who has had the thought?
x
52. Louise said the following at 5:39 AM on Mar 20:
As a dateless 16-19 year old, I used to hear a lot "Oh, you try too hard"...."Someday someone will fall right into your lap."
I finally started going out when I was 20....after losing about forty pounds of unsightly fat.
53. H.A.P. said the following at 6:27 AM on Mar 20:
I think the phrase, "When you stop wanting marriage...." is used by good hearted people who don't know how to say what they really mean. I think when I was single that what all of those good meaning people should have actually been telling me was to live life to its fullest because a girl who is happy and content is much more attractive than the anxious, worried, and desperate one I was becoming.
I found that praying for my future husband was a huge help in calming my longings, loneliness, and fears, and allowed me to be that happy and content girl. Speaking blessing over a man I hadn't met and knew nothing about seemed strange at first but soon became natural.
My husband of seven months will tell you when we met that my looks, talents, spirituality, etc...made no impression on him... it was my joy and love of life that made him think twice before passing me over as a potential mate. (I'm way over-matched by my husband in my opinion. :) In my wedding vows I included the fact that I was committing my life to the man I had prayed for... those prayers hadn't landed out in space somewhere but were for him...and I think our relationship has been enhanced by that if not caused by it in part!
54. Amy P. said the following at 6:39 AM on Mar 20:
I agree that the use of this phrase is very stupid and is not rooted in Scripture.
That said, comment #26 has a point. There are certain points where people get very desperate/clingy/needy. These are definitely NOT characteristics which are attractive to the opposite sex.
For example, the first time that a single guy and a single girl meet it would be a turn off if the girl said: "My biological clock is ticking. I am ready for children today. You seem to be a decent guy. Not perfect, but good enough. What do you think about moving this relationship to marriage?" Keep in mind this would be at the first meeting. Definitely a turn-off to the guy.
OR in contrast, if upon meeting a single girl for the first time a single guy would say: "God has told me that you are THE ONE. I need someone to do my laundry and cook for me. Can you do that? Let's get married tomorrow." Oh well, you get the drift. This would not be appropriate to come up just after the "Hi, nice to meet you" introductions.
Some people are so despirate/needy/lonely for marriage that their words and actions are turn-offs for members of the opposite sex. I think that in those cases, it would be worth while for those people to take some time, put things into focus, and re-evaluate their approach towards those of the opposite sex. As, if their approach was a bit more acceptable to the opposite sex, they may have a better chance of getting to marriage.
Oh well, that's my two cents. I look forward to people's comments.
55. Katie B said the following at 10:25 AM on Mar 20:
rosabacio (27) "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of our heart. Psalm 37:4"
thats beautiful, thanks for posting it, because when we truly delight in the Lord, he is the desire of our hearts, and anything he gives us is wonderful. I think that is better advise for singles, it is harder to pervert or confuse into formulas of 'if I do this or want this, the this will happen'
56. Amy Reyes said the following at 11:38 AM on Mar 20:
In my life I find the times when I feel my walk is the strongest are also the times when I most strongly desire marriage. For a good year and a hlaf I wasn't interested in any guys and honestly considered that maybe marriage awasn't for me after all, but during that time I was also farthest away from God. The closer I draw to Him, the more I desire to be married.
57. Ethan said the following at 12:09 PM on Mar 20:
let your heart desire marriage, which is a very good gift from God that points us to Him. Desire and pray and embrace it and give thanks when it is given to you. but don't let that desire drive your being and enslave you. Marriage isn't the ultimate end of life, God is.
58. Novagirl in VA said the following at 4:20 PM on Mar 20:
Annie,
You are not the only one... I would love to see this site evolve a little and allow us to create profiles, post our locations, and contact each other. I know of no other place where there are so many Christian singles of like mind.
So Ted, how about it? : )
59. Sarah said the following at 5:38 PM on Mar 20:
Amy (#56): You summed up how I feel exactly! God has me the closest to Him that I ever been in my saved life and I find my desire for marriage to grow stronger each day...while when I am not studying/praying each day and fellowship closely with God I find my desire fading away...the Holy Spirit really pressed that realization upon me recently and it's really helped me to be able to pray for my husband in a very real and truly bold way because I really believe this desire is directly from God and it will be fufilled sooner or later! :)
60. Amanda L said the following at 1:35 PM on Mar 23:
Amy(#56) and Sarah(#59):
I have found this as well.
It seems that the desire for marriage tends to make me want to be closer to God, so that I can be a better person and a better wife someday.
And vice versa, because when I get closer to God, I get more confident in my desire for marriage, and it becomes stronger in many ways.
61. KJ said the following at 11:27 PM on Mar 23:
Dan (#28) said:
"True, it is all up to God, but where do we get the idea that God is somehow some kind of killjoy?"
A few years ago I commented to someone at church that I had finally reached the point where I was content being single and was no longer desperate for dating/marriage (which I had been up until that point since I was about fourteen) and she smiled mischievously and told me that that's when "he" would come along - as if now that I was enjoying singleness and the blessings it brings for a season, God would smack me with a big cosmic "GOTCHA" and drag me into marriage kicking and screaming.
Now I ask, how is that helpful?
62. a sassy sister said the following at 10:02 AM on Mar 24:
KJ,
Are you sure that's what that person meant, or are you interpreting her words to mean that? I understand your frustration completely, but I think that you're missing the point. The issue is not about your marital staus; the issue is about CONTENTMENT regardless of where you are in your life. That is something that requires a level of maturity in Christian living REGARDLESS of whether you're married or single.
Let's be honest here. Like any desire that we have, the way in which we deal with that desire also reflects the way in which we view God. While God is not a killjoy, he is also the source of wisdom. Wise parents don't give their children gifts they are not ready for,and they certainly don't intentionally give their children gifts that would usurp their relationship with them(i.e. giving a six year old a Porsche or giving a teenager a credit card when they have no understanding or application of wisdom in handling their finances).
While I'm not saying that people need to be on the performance wheel it comes to singleness, marriage and God, I think we need to be clear on WHY we want marriage so badly, and what influences we have been in that have shaped our desires for marriage.
63. dana111 said the following at 12:50 PM on Mar 24:
We should not be looking at marriage like the world. We should constantly ask God to temper our desires however He sees fit and line them up with His goal for our lives. This will ensure the purity of our motives:
"You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures."
James 4:3
God will show you what He wants to show you. If your motives are worldly and selfish, He will let you know. Until then, remain free in your desire for marriage and children while continuing to trust God. The Lord, in His infinite wisdom and grace, will lead you to contentment and help you develop a stronger faith in Him. Realize that marriage is a gift from God, not something to be ashamed about wanting.
64. a sassy sister said the following at 1:13 PM on Mar 24:
dana111:
well said.
65. John D. said the following at 1:30 PM on Mar 24:
dana111 wrote,
"God will show you what He wants to show you. If your motives are worldly and selfish, He will let you know."
I'm afraid I don't understand. People want marriage for all kinds of normal reasons -- a legitimate outlet for sexual urges, companionship, social acceptance, etc. Call it worldly and selfish if you like, but these are all healthy desires that the Lord Himself has built into us. Maybe we're supposed to intentionally seek marriage after soberly deciding that we can serve the Lord better in a married rather than a single state, but let's be honest -- most people aren't led to consider marriage from such high-minded motives.
Furthermore, you can't fool God into thinking that you only want it for purely unselfish, altruistic reasons. He knows the thoughts and intents of your heart and will see right through you.
66. a sassy sister said the following at 2:10 PM on Mar 24:
John D:
I appreciate your response in an attempt to bring balance in this discussion. However, if you look at previous posts, I didn't say the desire for marriage was bad--my argument was the concerning being transparent with God about the ROOT and FOUNDATION of those desires and how they express ourselves in our thinking, attitudes,and actions. I never said that the reasons you describe for marriage are bad. I just have a problem when THAT IS THE MAIN AND ONLY OVERRIDING REASON why you're getting married.
I can only speak for myself. But I cannot let my desire for acceptance and companionship override my commitment and desire to please God. Yes, both can be in play when it comes to marriage. The question is whether or not my desires for acceptance and companionship are above my desire to please God, so much so that I would compromise on God's way of doing things in order to have that desire met. I have seen women and men compromise on the non-negotiables, just so they could have companionship.
67. Christina (in green) said the following at 2:17 PM on Mar 24:
you ever feel like we're trying to come up with reasonable explanations of why we aren't married in order to justify what seems to be God's lack of caring for our desire for marriage?
I keep thinking of Job and how he responded to all the horrible things that happened to him...is my questioning and seeking solutions and attempts to better myself my version of Job's dilemma?
I seem to be attempting to rationalize this lack of blessing when really that's what it is...its a blessing that hasn't been given to me just yet...and one i never deserved.
Thing is, this isn't like the candy bar that would be nice to have...there's so much more to it than that...and none of us seems to be able to justify why none of us are married yet. What reason, what rationale? If marriage is so good, why are there people who do all the right things, say all the right things, and pray all the right things, and adopt all the right attitudes (not in an attempt to fool God, but in an attempt to fully find contentment in him) and are still single or never get married?
I know debbie maken would say its all our fault for not wanting it when we could have it, but I know from reading the comments here that that isn't true.
There's a lot of us who aren't too picky, who have the right reasons, are very steadfast in their relationship with God, are intentional in their pursuit of relationships who are still no closer to marriage than when they were 5 and playing with mud pies.
So what's the deal? If its such a good thing, then why all the old maids and reluctant bachelors?
68. Rachael said the following at 2:39 PM on Mar 24:
Hey guys--
This may not be a 100% victory story, but our testimonies are always ongoing, are they not?
So if you read my earlier comments (21, 22, 46), you can see my pondering over (and potentially wrestling with) the idea of contentment.
Well, here's the potential testimony, which will hopefully encourage us to follow suit in claiming God's promises:
On 3/18, I confessed sin and expressed a desire to not be anxious/uncomfortable and for peace. Then on 3/19 (same day as I wrote those comments on here), I was wondering if I was at peace about a situation I most certainly was not at peace with for a very long time.
Anyway, I'm not in a peaceful la-la land now, and there are many uncomfortable aspects of life (not just with the situation alluded to above), but I do think God is providing...
Yes...indeed...God is enough.
Just want to challenge us all to really do act upon God's promises and turn to Him.
We can either believe the words of life in theory or practice.
And which do you think is more effective?
69. Sarah said the following at 3:14 PM on Mar 24:
There's a lot of "why's" that we could ask God, but when we get to that point aren't we trying to put our thinking on His level? That is a mistake that will find us even more confused because there are many things in life that we just have to settle at a child like faith because we cannot understand the exact purpose of the circumstances our Heavenly Father places in our lives.
Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?
For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Hebrews 12:9-10
70. BDB said the following at 4:41 PM on Mar 24:
Christina (in green) wrote:
>>...is my questioning and seeking solutions and attempts to better myself my version of Job's dilemma?<<
Hmmm...would that make Debbie Maken, Carolyn McCully, Camerin Courtney, Joshua Harris, John Eldridge and Jason Illian Job's well-meaning friends?
(Trying to be balanced there...)
Anyway, you motivated me to go back and re-read Job 38-41. God has a pretty sarcastic sense of humor...
71. Marie said the following at 5:18 PM on Mar 24:
Great post...I stumbled upon it a little late!
I can think of at least two times in my last three years of college where, as I saw what appeared to be happening in my life, I thought that I had finally become "content" enough to get it. Then those things fell through. It really is a messed up way to look at life.
Recently, I have been struggling and striving to find a healthy way to deal with my desire to get married. The last month and a half are different from anything I have experienced before. I met a man at my school who is also involved with my church. Many close to me know him, and although I do not know him well personally, I have heard of and can see in him qualities of a Godly husband. I feel powerless to do anything, as I am a shy person and I rarely have a chance to interact with him.
As I have come to know more about this man, I have been praying to God more about my desire to be married. I do not want to presume anything about what God will do, but I also do not want to carelessly toss faith aside and think that only by pushing this out of my mind and being "content" that my desires will be fulfilled. I am only recently really developing an understanding that spiritual perfection is not a prerequisite for God's plan. Praise God that he is helping me to see that he is the only constant in my life and my Savior!
72. Jo said the following at 4:26 AM on Mar 25:
Christina (#67)
AMEN. I've got to the point where I'm beginning to feel like God's just playing games with me in this area. All this jumping through hoops and adjusting attitude... still no blessing. If we stopped trying to rationalise it and get in control of the situation, and just ranted at God and were completely real with him, maybe we'd all feel a lot better.
73. Ro said the following at 4:39 AM on Apr 1:
Thanks for the encouragement of this post Ted. Please note, that if ever your ministry gets difficult - please look at how many young people you are encouraging - all over the world! (Your ministry, and that of Boundless has international reach!
I'm glad God has placed this ministry on your heart, and those of the other Boundless team members - to minister to the needs of single people.
A big thank you from the botom of my heart for the regular encouragement you guys provide!