When to Settle: Episode #10

My wife confesses to a list she wrote out before we met of characteristics she wanted in a husband. I'm told I was an exact match. But, as we both found out after the wedding, exact matches on some things aren't necessarily a good indicator for marital bliss. Because making two selfish people become one is hard work regardless of mere preferences.

Our roundtable this week revolves around Candice Watters's Boundless article, "When to Settle." During the discussion, Steve makes the observation that too often Christian singles seem willing to settle on biblical criteria when choosing a mate while not giving an inch on cultural ideals like ... a man's height. Is your ideal prohibiting you from moving forward in a relationship?

We have a timely culture segment with Plugged In Online's Bob Waliszewski previewing this week's new movie releases, 21, Run Fat Boy Run, College Road Trip, and Horton Hears a Who! That's right, Horton Hears a Who! Now I know you're thinking you're too old, but for all you 20-somethings who own a Bob the Tomato T-shirt -- and you know who you are -- this Bob says you'll love it.

Whether you're new to Boundless or an aficionado, you may not know much about our Hungry Years segment. In short, it's about life after college -- you know: MREs, training wheels, etc. Or maybe that was just Steve Watters's experience. Anyway, here he puts voice to his essay that started it all.

We end the show with a powerful Inbox segment with Melissa Fryrear, Director of Gender Issues department at Focus on the Family. We asked Melissa to answer a plea for help we received from a young woman who fears she may be a lesbian. Melissa dispels some myths about sexual confusion and provides some comforting answers to many who may be struggling with same-sex attraction.

And if you'd like to go straight to any of the segments I've described, here are the time breaks:

Intro
Roundtable -- 3:50
Culture -- 22:45
Hungry Years -- 34:30
Inbox -- 38:40

You may have noticed that the show's running longer and longer. I'm not sure if it's a trend we'll keep up but let us know what you think about the length, the segments, the music, etc. And if you want to leave us a great review on iTunes, feel free to do that too. ;-)

But if iTunes isn't your cup of tea for your online listening pleasure, you can listen now, subscribe through RSS, or download the MP3 for later consumption by going here.

Comments

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1. Rachael said the following at 11:08 PM on Mar 28:

Re: the comment on the podcast about what serving with a spouse might look like

I appreciate the comment that was made that "maybe serving the Lord means having some kids and paying bills"...

Though while I tend to gravitate toward the more 'adventurous'-ish or 'defined' types of service, I also realize and recognize the importance of 'invisible' service. Serving God doesn't just mean serving in a ministry.

Serving God should be a 24-7 thing, which, would definitely include some of the hidden aspects of marriage and family life.

I like my mom's description of service with a S vs. service with a s.

Ultimately we should be striving for "Service" through all thought and deed.

But in reality...

2. Nate said the following at 8:20 AM on Mar 29:

I have a Bob the Tomato tie. My high school students think it's great. :)

3. Victoria said the following at 8:41 AM on Mar 29:

I'm 21 and it's a Larry Boy shirt. I loved Horton Hears a Who!

4. David said the following at 9:42 AM on Mar 29:

I really related to the Hungry Years segment. I always feel like I should have so much more accomplished or that I am not where I had imagined after graduation. But God is using these lean years to mold & shape me into His Son's image. I believe that down the road it will make me a better husband & father.

5. Don said the following at 12:31 AM on Mar 30:

Sine I work at a theatre I felt compelled to point out that College Road Trip has been out for several weeks and Horton Hears a Who has been out for a week and a half now. Neither are technically new releases like 21 and Run , Fatboy, Run.

6. Don said the following at 12:54 AM on Mar 30:

Having just heard the actual podcast, I felt the need to point out that the characters in 21 are actually NOT gambling. It really is all about the math like Bob mentioned, but yeah the whole party in Vegas themes did detract from the movie.

7. BDB said the following at 9:21 PM on Mar 30:

The "musical" item on the "list" was interesting. I was expecting Ted to immediately speak up about the value of serving together in worship ministry.

Interestingly enough, I ran across an old article in Guideposts (Sept 1996) on this exact subject.

The woman in question really wanted to get married, and went to visit her Rabbi. He suggested that she make a detailed list, since God does best with specific prayers. She herself had perfect pitch, and many Jewish prayers must be sung. So she put "sings well" on her list.

And she met someone like that. He sang all the prayers flawlessly. She thought God was answering his prayer, and arranged to sit at his table. Sure enough, everyone was very impressed by how he sang.

Then she noticed something. He was singing for the praise he got from others - not singing for God. She went home, looked at her list, and realized that she had completely forgotten to list "serving God." Oops. She crossed out "sings well" and put "serves God" on instead.

She did end up married - to a guy who can't carry a tune in a bucket. But he tries, and when he sings the various prayers, it's from the heart and he's really doing it for God.

So, I suppose that the lesson is that for anyone who is asking God for guidance, be prepared for God to show you that your list is wrong!

8. Michelle said the following at 6:53 AM on Mar 31:

I really liked this episode of this morning! I listen on Monday mornings as I walk to work through the usually gorgeous streets of London.

I was keen to listen to the issue on Settling. I remember swimming at the lake in BC and making a promise with my (then) best friend. We swore that we would never settle...funny, i'm not sure I understood what that meant...until now...It's simplistic...and I could go into a long story about how I've been struggling with the kinds of guys who have asked me out lately vs the guy I think likes me, who I'm just not attracted to and how maybe, I just need to give him a chance (if it comes)...but instead...as I made my way to work and listened to the roundtable discussion I clearly heard God say..."michelle, stop worrying about Him and worry about yourself..." And that's just it isn't it? God is taking care of the man I'll marry, I can pray for him...but really in the end...all I need to worry about is me. The woman I am in front of God, in front of man. Just like i can't change the way someone responds I can control only control how I respond...in the same way, all I can do is take care of myself, put myself out there, grow in God and God will take care of the rest...

9. Susan said the following at 1:49 PM on Mar 31:

Too often I look at guys my age and compare them to men I know who have been married for 25+ years and expect the spiritual maturity of a 60 year old in a guy that's 25 or 30! I loved the part about realizing that we usually won't find a guy like the married guys we know, because marriage helps make men (and women :)) better and more mature!

That's something I constantly have to remind myself....I am now looking for a man who is after God's heart and has the potential of being a God-honoring husband, father and servant in the Church. :) I trust he'll be okay with the fact that I'm a work in progress, too :)

10. jacqui said the following at 2:30 PM on Mar 31:

Hi boundless
I LOVE your podcast and would certainly love a longer show as well. What was with the sports in the last show? I also think once a week is too long a strectch between podcasts: Im more likely to listen to the show than to read all the articles (however well written). Your balanced perspective and realness of where youre at is so refreshing and very heartening: keep it coming! would love to hear more from the video game guys as well?

11. Mark said the following at 4:59 PM on Mar 31:

Glad to hear Ted and Motte talking about the NCAA tourney and mentioning the Atlanta Braves. I appreciate the guy talk.

12. Rachael said the following at 6:40 PM on Mar 31:

Susan (9),

Good point about people being works of progress. But do remember that young Godly men do exist.

My youngest brother comes to mind, and he's only 21. My guess is that he'll be a gem (or the equivalent metaphor for a man...= a rock? :) )for some woman that hopefully will be deserving of him (yes I know we all sin).

He's quiet and going to college out of the state, and there's a 6 year age gap, so I don't feel like I know him TOO well, but I get the impression that he has a deep solid faith.

He is not as experienced as older men, but I haven't observed excessive immaturity.

But you know, there may be people who will NEVER mature (by human standards, anyway, of course if they are genuine believers God would likely be working in and growing them...)...

Experience and age often do mature people, but God works in the young and inexperienced as well!

Power to you youngsters :)

13. JessicaF said the following at 8:20 PM on Mar 31:

Oooh.... Braves talk? I can't wait to hear it now... gotta go get my ipod cords and get it downloaded! I do hope I won't be disappointed. I'm so excited it's baseball season now!! Life is good again! :)

14. Susan said the following at 7:13 AM on Apr 1:

Rachael,
Thanks for your comments! I know young men who have deep faith, also, but I was more referring to the maturity that comes only with time and experience - a wisdom that comes with years of walking with the Lord and being the provider and spiritual leader for a family. The roundtable participants were much more eloquent in the way they explained it than I! :)

It's not that guys are "immature" as much as age and years spent in the Word and walking with the Lord and being mentored by those older produce something that cannot be found in someone in their mid-late twenties, even if they have an incredible faith, you know? That's all I was saying.

15. CrochetDiva said the following at 2:43 PM on Apr 25:

Just listened last night to this episode. I loved that y'all made the point about our "list" items that in order to what? is the question we should ask ourselves.

One attribute on my list is this: able (and willing to improve on this) to articulate his thoughts (and at least some of his feelings) in order to communicate and connect.

In order to what? In order that I can learn who he is and what he's about. (I do know how to ask questions and gently probe, but the guy has to give me something to work with.)

Of course, I've discovered that I have to continue to work on my patience and tone of voice when getting frustrated trying to draw out a guy. And another key is knowing when I have spent too much time and effort getting to know a guy who is not stepping up to the plate and reciprocating the time and effort (either b/c he is unable/unskilled or is uninterested).

I've discovered that this list item/filter component is important to me, through experience with some guys.

I would imagine that this isn't really a character issue but a maturity issue. Am I on the right track?

Or do I expect too much from men when it comes to being able to communicate?

(Other items in my list/filter are similar in kind---intrinsic things: spiritual, mental, emotional, social.)

Thanks!

16. BDB said the following at 4:49 PM on Apr 25:

CrochetDiva (#15) wrote:

>>Or do I expect too much from men when it comes to being able to communicate?<<

Well, I've heard a number of sermons about how women are more verbal than men. This is probably true at the median.

Of course, someone who has the verbal skills to "connect" will also have the verbal skills to point out (in precise comprehensive detail) when you're doing something wrong and need to change your approach. Be ready to accept both sides of the ability to communicate!