Let's Talk About Dating, Part 7: Love
by
Denise Morris
on Mar 25, 2008 at 1:59 PM
This is the last post in Suzanne's and my dating series. We're all out of wisdom and/or unwanted advice.
I thought it would be fitting to end with what I deem to be the most important aspect in any relationship -- the two greatest commandments:
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:36-40, NIV)
As Christians, our goal should be to spend our lives fulfilling these commandments. We'll obviously mess up, but our desire should be to get better at loving God and loving those around us. Dating relationships are no different. If we focus on these things, I believe that our relationships will be healthier and more glorifying to God.
First of all, if we're attempting to love God with all that we are, our hearts and minds will be in the right place. We'll have our priorities straight and our energies will be focused on doing the simple things that God has asked us to do. Secondly, if we love our neighbor/girlfriend/boyfriend as ourselves, we'll have much healthier relationships. We won't be so caught up in our own needs or wants or preferences -- instead we'll be focused on serving and loving whomever we're in relationship with. We won't just be looking out for our own interests, instead we'll be concerned with the needs of others.
And as I've mentioned before, I believe that much of this "love" we're talking about is a choice we make. It's not based on romanticized notions of love or unrealistic expectations. It's based on finding someone with whom you serve the Lord well and then choosing to love that person in the good times and the bad, when you feel giddy about them and when you don't. Our love should be based on the sacrificial example we see of Christ and His bride.
Friendships, dating, courting, marriage -- all of them are difficult. All of them require risk. But we cannot be so concerned with guarding our hearts that we avoid relationships that God has called us to. God's triune nature reveals that He is a relational being. He created us to be in relationship with Him and one another. And as we can see through His relationship with us, the type of community we're supposed to foster with one another is loving, sacrificial and servant-hearted. In order to succeed in the "dating game" we must have the same attitude.
Finally, trust the Lord. He is good and His love endures forever. As you navigate the DTRs, the difficult conversations, the up-and-down feelings and the breakups, remember that you're not alone. Ask God to bring you wisdom and guidance. Practice love and apply it to your dating relationships. And pray that God will be glorified.
1. Rachael had the following to say on Mar 25 at 2:16 PM:
Nice that you end the series on the 2 greatest commandments! Sins stem from its lack, blessings from its presence. Selflessness is ideal but tough. Love is important in all communities and interactions; its lack or presence is always noticeable.
Love, love, love...
2. DannieA had the following to say on Mar 25 at 3:43 PM:
I just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading your blogs on this...kinda sorry it's at the end....thank you!
3. CathyS had the following to say on Mar 25 at 6:07 PM:
After reading all of the posts in the dating series, I have come to this conclusion:
"Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:5-9; ESV)
As hard as we try to have a God-honoring relationship and love each other selflessly, it really all comes down to trusting God. At least that's where I am at. I was engaged to a wonderful man whom my parents and friends loved. No, he wasn't perfect, but he was growing in godliness everyday. However, a pastor at our church believes the timing to be wrong and we are now separated per his counsel. I still believe I am called to be married to this man, yet all I can do now is trust that God knows what he's doing.
I would like to ask for prayer if anyone is willing...prayer for strength and faith and wisdom.
4. kim had the following to say on Mar 25 at 7:26 PM:
I have thoroughly enjoyed the series - thank you so much. These have spoken to me right where I am.
5. a sassy sister had the following to say on Mar 26 at 7:36 AM:
Thank you for bringing the main point of this whole series of blog posts home.
6. Andrea had the following to say on Mar 26 at 9:56 AM:
Thank you.
You've given me a lot to think about, and clicking your link to the article about Guarding Your Heart was one of the best things I've done recently.
I hope there will be more series blogs soon. I have truly enjoyed reading this one, and it has been invaluable as both a reminder and a reference.
7. Philip had the following to say on Mar 26 at 1:30 PM:
I was thinking about those 2 commandments as I was trying to pare down biblical dating to a set of broad principles (à la Rick Holland: I, IIa, IIb, III, and IV) after the comment in Suzanne’s Part 4 post, about how courtship advice has become unhelpfully complicated. They led me to the following phrase, which though too simplistic seems to sum things up fairly well:
The distinguishing feature of biblical versus secular dating is the priority of agape over eros.
8. BDB had the following to say on Mar 26 at 1:56 PM:
Phillip (#7) wrote:
>>The distinguishing feature of biblical versus secular dating is the priority of agape over eros.<<
As we used to say in graduate school, that would be a good topic for a dissertation...
9. IMO had the following to say on Mar 26 at 2:02 PM:
CathyS-
Why does your pastor feel this way? What are his reasons? Is your family and friends on the same page as this pastor? Is your seperation based soley on the pastor's counsel? Can you please elaborate? I am very curious about your decision to seperate from your fiance!
I think it would be extreme to just trust the "wisdom" of one pastor. That would be putting your trust in that pastor and his "wisdom," instead of actually trusting the Lord..IMO.
There may be a lot of "behind-the-scenes" that I am not aware about...just that it raised a huge red flag to me when you only specified a pastor, and not including family/friends as the reason for your seperation. ANd most importantly, your fiance's and your own opinion and wisdom on the matter. I mean, hey, if there is only one opposing party, I would go ahead with my wedding plans! Just my 2 cents.
10. Rachael had the following to say on Mar 26 at 3:49 PM:
BDB,
Why would anyone need to do a dissertation on it when we've got Boundless? :)
Oh I guess I should say, rather, when we've got the 2 greatest commandments already clearly laid out for us in the manual?
11. CathyS had the following to say on Mar 26 at 4:32 PM:
Re: Comment 9
Hebrews 13:17 - Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.
"Why does your pastor feel this way?What are his reasons?"
There are really too many reasons to list, it is a long and complicated situation. The basis seems to be that my fiance is divorced (for biblical reasons - Matt. 19:9), but he was not divorced long enough in their opinion to be healed from his divorce.
Many things were said and there were admittedly mistakes in our relationship on our part, but much of the counsel stems from that.
No one I have talked to necessarily understands where my pastor is coming from even with all of the information provided. I can't speak for who my fiance has talked to.
The separation is based on the pastors counsel and my fiance wanting to follow what the Bible says in Hebrews 13:17 (quoted above).
I don't agree with everything the pastor said, and I have talked to God quite a bit about the situation. I do trust, even though I don't understand, that God is still in control.
My pastor did go to the other pastors to talk to them, he didn't want to make a mistake, and they agreed he should move forward with his counsel.
There is quite a bit more behind all of this, and probably too much to just share here, but I trust God. And I have already learned that I wasn't trusting God like I should have been before. But God is faithful and He can move the mountains, no matter how big they may seem to us!
And besides the one opposing party is basically my church leadership, and I am not willing to leave this church right now without God telling me to. I am also following my fiance's lead, as he agreed that if they asked we would separate. And as far as I know, we are still looking forward to being married to each other one day, this is just a pit-stop.
12. Katie B had the following to say on Mar 26 at 8:34 PM:
Rachel: Dissertations are great fun. :) although I admit, blogs and articles are more fun to read, dissertations are only fun when your the one doing it. this would be an interesting one, my list is already too long though.
13. Fred Walker had the following to say on Mar 26 at 9:24 PM:
Sounds like you're in a tough spot CathyS, you have my prayers.
14. IMO had the following to say on Mar 27 at 9:02 AM:
Wow that is a tough spot to be in. God bless you for your obedience...
15. Tami had the following to say on Mar 27 at 9:16 AM:
CathyS, you probably already realize this (as your comment indicates), but sometimes it really *is* just the timing -- not a dissolution of the couple. I know of an engaged couple who broke up - but got eventually got married, after a bit of time. So it does happen.
If you trust your pastor, and after God's leading decided to follow the pastor's counsel, then I agree, I would wait.
Speaking generally, I liken this type of situation to baking a cake -- if the recipe says "Bake at 350 for an hour" and you pull it out at 20 minutes, you have all the right ingredients in place but you don't get the cake you were hoping for... frankly, you get a goopy mess. But pull it out after an hour, and presto, yummy cake. The timing is key. Know what I mean? :)
[Sort of preaching to myself at the moment too, ha ha. ;)]
16. BDB had the following to say on Mar 27 at 10:00 AM:
Rachael (#10) wrote:
>>Oh I guess I should say, rather, when we've got the 2 greatest commandments already clearly laid out for us in the manual?<<
Well, you'd need to figure out how to get the word "dating" into the Bible somehow...I'm sure that would take a lot of analysis...some kind of quantitative survey of Biblical scholars (Paul WOULD have done dinner and a movie...) or something like that...
17. CM had the following to say on Mar 31 at 9:30 AM:
Good grief. It's like God is using to speak to me through all your comments on timing. ;-)
Thanks for the food for thought throughout all the "Dating talk". I've really enjoyed this.
God bless you guys!
18. Justin had the following to say on Jul 13 at 10:28 AM:
Dating has always been really big on my mind lately....I was in a relationship with a girl and I thought things couldn't get any better. A lot of the time I would catch myself...that I was too focused on her rather than my Lord and Savior. She later broke it off because it was distracting her from her school work...this hit me hard..but I now know that God was showing me how far off I was....I spent all of my time focused on her that I never really took the time to thank Christ for her in my life...I see it now and I thank Him for her everyday, for putting her in my life... One thing to keep in mind is that you have to keep Christ first! Not only will it not work but, you won't grow to Him...I pray though out everyones life that they will keep Christ on the throne of their lives...
19. Brooke had the following to say on Jul 16 at 10:35 PM:
ok so i have a boyfriend of amost 3 months. nothing big. but he wanted to see how far i would go and when i asked him to stop he did. and that was only once. i think thats fine and we know where the bounderies are. but my friends say that hes bad for me. truly i dont know if i should stay with him like i want or trust my friends. cann some one step in and help?
20. Tom Neven had the following to say on Jul 17 at 8:53 AM:
Brooke (#19)
Just a quick thought. I think your friends are right. The fact that this guy tried this once means he's entering the relationship with the wrong intentions.