Let's Talk About Dating, Part 6: Managing Expectations
by
Suzanne Hadley
on Mar 20, 2008 at 4:35 PM
A friend once told me: "Expectations are stupid." I think he meant that since we can't control outcomes, expectations -- particularly unreasonable ones -- often lead to disappointment. I'm not sure I'd go that far. After all, expectations can create a framework that helps you see if you're wandering off course. But when it comes to romantic relationships, too many expectations at the onset can be stifling.
There are two main ways I think singles can combat relationship-squelching expectations:
1. Be open to someone who isn't what you've always had in mind. In "7 Myths Single Women Believe," I addressed the expectations some singles have about meeting "the one."
Just as my junior high mind projected who I would recognize as "the one," my grown-up self entertains expectations of how I'll feel when my "soul mate" arrives on the scene. The truth is, God knows best the kind of man who will inspire me to greater devotion to Him. As I seek the Lord, I can trust Him to reveal that person to me in whatever way He sees fit.
Basically, throw out expectations that aren't related to the essentials -- essentials being character, godliness and connection. You may be surprised by the type of person who is good for you and brings out your best. There's a country song that goes: "She's not at all what I was looking for. She's more." Be open to God showing you "more."
2. Leave some room for a budding relationship to grow without the expectations that come later. Mark responded to my post on clarity with this comment:
I feel pretty overwhelmed with all of the dos and don'ts of dating. In order to undertake all of the above-mentioned items at the outset, I'd have to be pretty blown away by the woman. Of course, it's not entirely likely that I'm going to feel that way immediately so I'd have to spend some time getting to know the girl.
Personally, I have no problem asking a girl out. It's the second or third date that perlplexes me. How do you get to know someone without giving off the signal "we're in a relationship" and not acting clingy?
Many of my guy friends have expressed this same frustration. It seems after a date or two, the woman may be already thinking about marriage, children and their future life together. I talk about this in "Not Your Buddy:"
Song of Songs puts it this way, "Do not awaken love before it so desires." As a generation of women drunk on chick flicks, we want romance to happen so badly we allow ourselves to fantasize about relationships that have no founding.
In short, girls need to cool it (and guys, if they're expecting a woman to decide for or against them after one or two dates). If a guy asks you out, don't immediately fixate on him as your future husband. Allow a period of time to simply get to know who he is, without forcing him to state his intentions. There is a time for that -- I'm not condoning the lingering limbo relationship -- but don't send him into a panic after the second or third date by demanding clarity he's not ready to give.
Give lots of grace. Don't assume he's a villain if he decides not to pursue further after a few dates. Being gracious and giving the person in whom your interested the benefit of the doubt also makes acquaintance less awkward if the relationship doesn't work out and you have to part ways. Expectations may not be stupid, but letting them take control may be.
1. Lily had the following to say on Mar 20 at 5:03 PM:
Your point about being open to someone different than you always imagined rang loud and clear for me- I have a best, best friend that I've know for years. He brings out the best in me and has been a tremendous source of growth in my spiritual life. However, he definately isn't who I had in mind! His interests, personality, even his last name weren't what I pictured for "the love of my life"- a best friend, yes, but my husband? Not so much. (These reasons sound really shallow, but dreams run deep in a girl's mind:)
However, it has a been a thrilling and liberating experience to be open to God's idea of what's best for me- although, in the early stages of my perspective change, it felt like a 'death'. And it was, of sorts. It was the death of me. And death hurts, deeply. I can't say I'm honestly fully surrended to God not "bringing" my perfect man to me-I mean, God promised to bring me more than I can imagine, and boy, can I imagine big!! But praise God, He is changing my desires and perspectives to His- and that will be more than I could ever imagine.
Thanks for your post! (As you can tell) I really enjoyed it :p
2. Lauren had the following to say on Mar 20 at 5:39 PM:
thanks. i'm at a juncture where this is what i needed to read.
also, regarding mark's comment, is it ok for the woman to not be as far along as the man? i think i know the answer to this, but i'm just asking...
3. Marie had the following to say on Mar 20 at 6:47 PM:
Wow, I read the "7 Myths" article you linked, and it was exactly what I need to hear! Great post. However, my problems came a little bit differently. I created expectations before anything actually started happening...my friend of 1 1/2 years started acting differently towards me, and nearly all signs pointed towards his having an interest in me. Two weeks later, there were no new developments, he left for the summer, and next thing I know he is going out with another girl. Talk about confusing!
4. Anna had the following to say on Mar 20 at 8:27 PM:
I have to say that this is one of the best articles I've read on Boundless. It seems that many relationship-oriented discussions I see here are in such a rush to avoid "the lingering limbo relationship" that the DTR is expected to happen on the first date! Unfortunately you seem to be in the minority on Boundless for stating that it's ever okay -or encouraged- to find out if a relationship can grow naturally without being forced.
Even with an otherwise wonderful guy, nothing would scare me away faster than going out for coffee expecting a get-to-know-you chat and then being ambushed with something like "I can see myself marrying you and would like to enter into a deep and committed relationship under the mentorship of your father and a dozen church elders to determine an appropriate wedding date." Unfortunately much of the Christan dating advice I see, not just here but elsewhere as well, seems to encourage this type of hyper-commitment in the earliest stages of a potential relationship.
5. Stephanie had the following to say on Mar 21 at 7:04 AM:
Thanks! Definitely needed this right now. Good insights...
6. a sassy sister had the following to say on Mar 21 at 7:31 AM:
I think you're right about placing heavy expectations and high hopes in the initial stages of a relationship. But I think there is something that we can constantly do in regards to that. When we not only check our desires against Scripture, we also can sort out what things are healthy and what things are not. But taken even further, the best thing that we can do is take our expectations to Jesus, trusting him no matter what the outcome.
One of the great ways I am reminded on how not to do this is to remember that no one person can meet ALL of our needs and satisfy us completely. Besides, I always thought that if you want to really understand people, then you really need to have an intimate relationship with the One who made them.
7. Derek Wong had the following to say on Mar 21 at 10:09 AM:
I had to double check the author just to make sure it wasn't someone that I knew, and I wasn't the friend that was being quoted here.
I, too, see and have experienced the fact that expectations create disappointment. So I don't like to have them. I grant that it's not wise to get rid of them completely, but they seem to be pretty unnecessary in most cases.
This reminds me of The Temptations' song "Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me)." Unfortunately that probably happens to me more often than it should.
8. Adam T. had the following to say on Mar 21 at 10:38 AM:
Basically, throw out expectations that aren't related to the essentials -- essentials being character, godliness and connection. You may be surprised by the type of person who is good for you and brings out your best.
Great post. I've learned to give up almost all my 'expectations'. There are a few reasons why, but here's one of the biggest: I think they can be hurtful. How would you feel to be on a date with someone and all of a sudden you realize that you're being studied and compared and weighed - and probably found wanting? It wouldn't make me feel very good. So, I've stopped doing it.
Whatever happened to falling in love with someone? Just because you love them?
9. Adam T. had the following to say on Mar 21 at 10:41 AM:
To add on to what I just said: to put it another way, look at this concept of 'settling'. How would you feel if you knew your mate was 'just settling' for you? I wouldn't feel very special if I thought my wife was 'settling' for me. So, I've resolved not to see others that way.
10. Nick had the following to say on Mar 21 at 11:26 AM:
Outstanding post. Thanks for that second point. Very helpful. That is a question I've had and it is comforting know that you CAN just get to know someone for a short period of time with out having to decide if the relationship will be something more.
11. BDB had the following to say on Mar 21 at 11:46 AM:
Since it's a "numbers game" and we're "managing expectations" so we can "close the deal," perhaps a sales training conference would be better than a singles conference...
Would it be better for me to call in the first part of the week or the second part of the week? Is Monday or Tuesday better? In the morning or afternoon?
12. Mark had the following to say on Mar 21 at 1:29 PM:
Thanks for addressing my question Suzanne!
Being a research-oriented type of guy, it's nice to know that I can still "gather a little more data."
13. Mark had the following to say on Mar 22 at 12:16 AM:
Amen! I think there's a fine line to this- we guys need to be able to gather information without needing to feel like we need to do the DTR right away. But neither should we be waiting around forever and ever and making the girl wonder what the heck is up. Agreed 100% on expectations...some of us have too high, others don't have high enough.
For the ladies: how much info would you like to have shared, or how well would you prefer to know the guy before he defines the relationship?
14. Christina had the following to say on Mar 22 at 10:52 AM:
Mark,
About your question, I'd like the guy to have an idea of my intelligence, my outspokenness, how seriously I take my faith, and what my views are about family (without actually having to ask me outright about these things...)
I'd like meaningful interaction time with a guy (especially in a group setting) where he takes the time to carry on a conversation or two with me before stating his interest.
Him liking the color of my eyes seriously is not enough to go on in expressing interest in a dating relationship.
He doesn't need to be an expert on me, just have an idea...if he's going to ask me to entertain an interest in him, I don't want to find out 2 weeks later that he didn't realize how outspoken and opinionated I am and decided he's no longer interested...
15. Amanda L had the following to say on Mar 23 at 10:56 AM:
I agree with what Christina(15) had to say.
A guy who spends time just talking to me, or listening to what I have to say in a group setting, whoa ctually has interest in my thoughts...that guy will catch my attention.
Because hey, if he doesn't mind that I talk quite a bit, or that I don't make much sense when I'm tired, or that I ramble a bit when I'm nervous; and if he has paid enough attention to whats going on my life to be able to ask the appropriate questions, then if he expresses interest, I will be more than likely to trust that he is truly interested in me.
16. Kristie had the following to say on Mar 24 at 8:29 AM:
This seems to be the same the other "Part" on dating called concerning settling. I think we have spun the word "settle" and that it can mean both good (getting rid of over the top expectations) AND bad (settling for someone who you don't love, who isn't a spiritual leader, who doesn't care about your feelings, etc.) This sums up the HOW to settle for the RIGHT person - "Basically, throw out expectations that aren't related to the essentials -- essentials being character, godliness and connection. You may be surprised by the type of person who is good for you and brings out your best."
17. Jeni had the following to say on Mar 24 at 10:12 AM:
I agree that managing our expectations is key, Suzanne. Thanks for addressing that key element in all relationships. I think part of the struggle is that generally speaking men and women have very different expectations of relationships and the other gender. Joy!;-)
The timing of the DTR is a very delicate balance. There should be plenty of dates, hang out time, and/or group setting experiences to get a well-rounded idea of who the person is, without the intense pressure of feeling like you have to "know" as soon as your eyes meet. 3 or 4 dates is enough to get a good glimpse into the person to know if there is potential for an actual "relationship" beyond friends. However, 7 months of talking, dating and hanging out is a little too long to go without addressing your intentions. There is a LOT of flexiblity in that time frame - right!?!?!
18. Becky had the following to say on Mar 24 at 10:48 AM:
" ... don't send him into a panic after the second or third date by demanding clarity he's not ready to give."
Ouch. That one hit close to home. Wise advice, Suzanne.
19. Nicole had the following to say on Mar 24 at 11:29 AM:
Mark (#13):
For the ladies: how much info would you like to have shared, or how well would you prefer to know the guy before he defines the relationship?
DTR is a two way conversation. Whenever you feel ready, initiate the conversation. If she responds, continue. If she doesn't, try again at a later time.
20. single certain girl had the following to say on Mar 24 at 1:31 PM:
ahhh expectations. as one of my old friends used to say, 'expectations are like underwear; have them, but change them often.'
21. Amir Larijani had the following to say on Mar 24 at 1:57 PM:
single certain girl:
ahhh expectations. as one of my old friends used to say, 'expectations are like underwear; have them, but change them often.'
In some parts of the country, that doesn't resonate, because they don't wear underwear. ;)
22. Frankster had the following to say on Mar 24 at 2:36 PM:
Ah, if it isn't Suzanne -- lover of comedy. I find it fascinating that you used a country music song to express what true love (in marriage) should be.
Suzanne said:
"'She's not at all what I was looking for. She's more.' Be open to God showing you 'more.'"
Yea, the only country music song about marriage that I know is by the Georgia Satellites, "Keep Your Hands to Yourself":
"B-b-b-baby baby baby why you wan' treat me this way. You know I'm still your lover boy -- I still feel the same way. That's when she told me a story, 'bout free milk and a cow'
and said no hugging no kissing until I get a weddin' vow. My honey my baby, don't put my love upon no shelf!
She said don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself!!!"
This is concept of marriage is from the guys point of view...
HAHAHA X-D X-D X-D
23. Leah had the following to say on Mar 24 at 6:55 PM:
This confuzzles me.
Why can't a guy give some sort of clarity from the outset?
When my fiance first asked me out he said "ok, we need to discuss what this is, where it's going etc etc" and we pretty much both said that the purpose of the relationship was to take things slowly and see if the other person was marriage material. Isn't that really all the clarity you need- and should be willing to give- right from the word go?
24. Ariana had the following to say on Mar 24 at 8:41 PM:
As far as Mark's question is concerned (#13), I do think that after 3-4 intentional dates (not just "hanging out"), there should be some sort of conversation.
I think that oftentimes we assume that for a guy to clarify what's going on means that he has to have decided that he wants to now enter into a serious committed/intentional "relationship" with this girl. But I don't think that needs to be the case.
To clarify his intentions can be just that. Let the girl know what it is you want with her! If you feel the need to say, "I don't know if we're ready to become more serious yet," or "I'd like to spend some more time getting to know you first," or, "I think we'd be better off as friends," then say it. You don't have to wait until you're sure about where the relationship is going before you talk to the girl about it. Besides, she might be able to bring more clarity to your thoughts than you would have had by yourself.
And it doesn't even have to be serious or prolonged. Just say something like, "Hey, it's been really nice getting to know you, and I hope that we can keep doing this and see if something more is there." It may sound cheesy, but it works fine (and makes the guy look good)--as long as you do it before the girl goes crazy in frustration trying to figure out what it is you want. But if her frustration gets to her first, she'll want a decision from you now, and it will be more difficult for her to have patience with the process.
25. Andrew (tlw) had the following to say on Mar 24 at 9:57 PM:
Amir,
Nicely put. Thank you.
Lynne,
A man’s “intent” is seen in his past behavior. Has he used his single years wisely?
This applies to men and women, and all personality types from the chronically relaxed “slacker” to the manically driven type A “career fascist.”
Finding the radical middle … where we can adequately provide for a family without being excessively career driven … now there’s a challenge to our expectations.
26. FrankStaFari had the following to say on Mar 25 at 9:49 AM:
Leah said:
"Why can't a guy give some sort of clarity from the outset?"
Probably because they don't want to, or it ranks very very low on their "things to think about" list. -- Don't be fooled Leah (and the rest of you ladies), most guys really don't like talking about romantic relationships (the ins and outs of how they work). All they know is they want a girlfriend, and from that point the stumble their way in the dark to marriage XD. Heck, some guys don't even know how they got to the altar (like my dad for instance).
It doesn't have to do with intelligence. It has to do with interests and psychology. Most guys care and think about things like computers, mechanical machinery, cars, how the internet works etc... THAT is what takes up their brain processing time.
To be honest with everyone here, I wish that boundless would stop putting these relationship articles on their site (or cut them back). Its boring to most of us Christian guys. We want to read about other stuff too you know.
27. BDB had the following to say on Mar 25 at 12:00 PM:
Leah (#23) wrote:
>>When my fiance first asked me out he said<<
How long did you know him before he asked you out?
28. BDB had the following to say on Mar 25 at 12:35 PM:
Ariana (#24) wrote:
>>Let the girl know what it is you want with her!<<
FrankStaFari (#26) wrote:
>>Probably because they don't want to, or it ranks very very low on their "things to think about" list.<<
There is another possibility: they don't know why they should want marriage. I suspect that this is more prevalent among children of divorce, who only observed marriage involving fighting and conflict. Why would they want that?
Elsewhere on this site there is much criticism of men who don't pursue. Frankly, I think the criticism is overlooking how many people have no examples to see why it's worth the trouble. They know they don't know what they want; to avoid the confusion Ariana describes, they do nothing.
29. Leah had the following to say on Mar 25 at 8:00 PM:
BDB (#27) asked Leah (#23) wrote:
>>When my fiance first asked me out he said<<
How long did you know him before he asked you out?
I met him early February and he asked me out at the beginning of May, so that would make it around 3 months.