Either serve God wholeheartedly or get married?
by Ted Slater on 03/19/2008 at 4:11 PM
There are some seemingly godly things being said that, upon closer inspection, just don't hold up as such. I blogged earlier today about one such phrase.
Now I want to draw attention to another phrase, one that pits getting married against serving the Lord with our whole being.
I challenged this "either/or" take on godliness last year, pointing out that some things are best thought of in terms of "both/and" -- you can BOTH serve the Lord AND be married. In fact, you can serve the Lord in unique ways THROUGH marriage.
Someone recently commented:
"As Christians, our priorities must be biblical priorities if we want to live biblically. Jesus and the apostles placed a high value on marriage and family, but they did not make those things the be-all-end-all of our existence. Bringing Christ to the world in all we say, do, and think gets much higher billing in Scripture than these secondary matters."
There's some truth in this paragraph. The Scriptures do focus on the evangelistic activities of the Apostles rather than on the day-to-day of their marriages, for example.
But there are also some subtle misconceptions in this paragraph, starting with that pivotal word "but" and ending by disparaging marriage as a mere "secondary matter." The Scriptures focus on the Apostles' ministry to the unsaved; but that doesn't mean that their ministry within their own families, and through their own families, is somehow of less value before the Lord. Indeed it is THROUGH family that we reflect the marvel of the manifold nature of God, something that honors and magnifies the Lord.
Also note that some of the most crucial leaders in the church were to be the husband of one wife (1 Tim. 3:2, Titus 1:5-6), the implication being (at the very least) that people could serve the Lord and His Church just fine in a married state. Single adults may serve, of course, and serve well; I think back on how I served my church effectively for years as a single adult. But married adults are not disqualified from church leadership because of their having married.
Yes, Paul is clear in 1 Cor. 7 that those who are neither married nor struggling with their sexual drives are able to serve the Lord in a peculiarly undivided way. But if you're like most of us, wanting to share your life in an intimate way with the opposite sex, then you are not sinning by pursuing marriage. You are not shunning God's will to serve Him wholeheartedly by wanting to be married.
In other words, put your mind at ease: You truly can BOTH serve the Lord with your entire being AND get married. You're not settling for second best by pursuing marriage.
1. BDB said the following at 4:21 PM on Mar 19
I dunno, Ted. I think Paul's right. I know a number of women who make their boyfriend their "hobby." Not nearly the same as serving together.
Then again, truly dedicating oneself to service is more than working the parking lot on Sunday morning. I'm most impressed by th Sisters of Mercy, who operate a worldwide network of hospitals and schools.
http://www.sistersofmercy.org/
Now, when I run into someone who doesn't like Catholics, I say, "OK, show me the network of hospitals for the poor that your church runs..."
2. Sara said the following at 4:36 PM on Mar 19
Right. Just look around you: everybody can pick out lazy singles, actively serving singles; productive couples, and unproductive couples: it's about personality and motivation, not marital status.
As for the Biblical discrepancies (like how Paul seems to have a lower view of marriage than Timothy, say) one interpretation is that the more apocalypic the author was--that is, the nearer he thought the end was--the less inclined he would be to care about such earthly things as marriage. Compare the ultra-urgent warnings in Matthew 3 with the leisurely administrative instructions meant for established church congregations in Timothy. Context is everything, including when it comes to instructions about marriage.
3. Sara said the following at 4:41 PM on Mar 19
Oops, I more meant Matthew 5.
4. Rachael said the following at 5:11 PM on Mar 19
About that person's comment, she may have meant it to be 'secondary' in the eyes of a single person. If a person is single, marriage very well could be secondary (or third-ary...) to what is clear they should be doing as is laid out in Scripture. Marriage and obedience/serving God definitely are NOT exclusive. I totally agree. Marrieds are cool. It's fun to interact with them.
Just to give that commenter the benefit of the doubt...
5. kaj said the following at 5:46 PM on Mar 19
This, along with the post "When you stop wanting marriage, God will give it to you?" sounds like it could be the beginning of a whole series to debunk the "Common Clichés Christian Singles Keep (and get tired of) Hearing."
6. Patrick Chan said the following at 6:50 PM on Mar 19
I love this quote from Tertullian (which I read in an Al Mohler sermon):
"How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in home, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the religion they practice...Nothing divides them either in flesh or in spirit...They pray together, they worship together, they fast together; instructing one another, encouraging one another, strengthening one another. Side by side they visit God's church and partake God's banquet, side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another; they never shun each other's company; they never bring sorrow to each other's hearts...Seeing this Christ rejoices. To such as these he gives his peace. Where there are two together, there also he is present."
Our spouses help us in our pursuit of Christ and his holiness. Among the many other wonderful blessings, marriage is also a means by which the Lord mutually sanctifies us in him.
7. Christina said the following at 11:02 PM on Mar 19
For years upon years (since I was old enough to know that man + woman = baby), I wanted to get married.
Its like everything I ever put my mind to was to three ends:
Be as close to God as possible
Learning and satisfying curiosity
Learn to be a good mother and wife
Its not something my mom told me to do. It was just simply a choice.
So, pusuing God and marriage was never a separate issue to me. It was synonymous. I don't get this whole "Single years is for whole hearted devotion" thing cuz I didn't see how marriage DIDN'T do that.
Practicing a godly relationship with your spouse (male leadership, female submission) emulates for the world the example of Christ and the church. It also displays what kind of freedom can be found in doing things God's way for other Christian couples.
Raising children in the way of the Lord not only displays for the world the sacrificial nature of God's love for his children, but also raises up a future generation of voices for the Gospel. Where once there was 2 let there be 4? 5? 6?
I can be a powerful witness of God's tender love and mercy and of his awesome and amazing power simply by being in a marriage relationship that is centered and anchored on him.
From a quiet, shy, young woman who is a good teacher, strong communicator, and has a heart to follow God's ways, I am much more likely to help change the world by providing more people to help through raising children.
Don't tell me that this is the "lesser" and "secondary" way of serving God.
There is not lesser or secondary. Giving glory to God no matter what way you do it is not graded on a scale of 1 - 10.
My only question at the moment is that if this is how I wish to serve God, then how do I glorify him in the waiting?
8. a sassy sister said the following at 11:02 PM on Mar 19
I, for one am not implying that marriage is second rate. I do see people who do want to get married and are serving God wholeheartedly. But why we do things and what motivates our actions IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS OUR ACTIONS ALONE. You are right that we display God's nature through family; however, I would hope that you believe that THE BODY OF CHRIST IS SUPPOSED TO DISPLAY THIS AS WELL, NOT JUST the biological family.
I appreciate your kindness in encouraging singles not to feel any condemnation for wanting to be married. But the problem that I see is that I really don't believe that you understand what I'm saying. The very post you quoted said that the apostles did not make marriage and family the end-all-be-all of their existence. I desire marriage, but I don't trust ALL my desires, because the root of all of my desires are not good. The very same principle can be applied when it comes to marriage and family. I desire marriage, but if my desire becomes obsessive anxiety and pulls me into the trap of comparison, then something's wrong.
Are you reading that quote selectively based on your own opinions, or are you really trying to understand what the poster was trying to communicate? When it comes to discussions surrounging these topics(marriage and singleness) it seems that there are more snap judgments and less close and critical reading.
And frankly,married couples and families snap judgments of me as a single(demonstrated in their behavior)is what really frustrates me about the church. My experiences as a single woman in church have left me feeling like a weirdo because I wanted to make sure I fully understood my worth was based not on whether or not I'm married but on what Scripture says. I don't believe that marriage makes you a whole person or completes you as a person. And yet, sometimes I feel that your endorsement of pursuing marriage happens at the expense of bashing those who are being productive with their singleness and trying to encourage others to do the same and trust God, not allowing CULTURE and THE OPINIONS OF MAN determine their choices.
No one is saying that marriage is bad, or wanting marriage is bad. But it seems like you attack anyone that is walking in contentment(especially in their singleness), as if somehow the idea of a content single must mean that they are celibate as well.
Why can't married people and singles accept each other and walk in love?
9. Sarah P. said the following at 8:12 AM on Mar 20
I noticed that when I read that person's comment as well.
I do want to point out that there are some unique things that we (especially us women!) can only throw ourselves into wholeheartedly while we are single. So another good way to use this time might be to think about those dreams that God has placed on our hearts that marriage responsibilities will preclude, and dive into those now, at the same time praying for wisdom and learning how to build friendships with men in a wise manner.
Of course, there's a lot of fear that rides along with such a choice, because one wonders what impression the eligible men will gather. But then, one prays for their wisdom too. :)
10. April said the following at 9:44 AM on Mar 20
Ted,
I wrote the comment you posted here. In order to make it clearer, I should have stated more clearly that by "reflecting Christ to world," I was thinking of far more than outreach. I was including a focus on Christ in all we say, think, and do, whether it be in evangelism or seeking to grow our faith. It is in that context that marriage and family are secondary matters.
Everything is secondary compared to our primary purpose--glorifying God and enjoying him forever, which I am sure no one here disagrees with.
Yet, as I scan the comments on these posts--here and at other blogs--I see a lot of focus on getting married but little on the priorities that the apostles had. The apostles certainly touched on all aspects of day-to-day life, but the overarching topic they emphasized, the only thing they actually lived for, and the only that they allowed to consume them was Christ--not getting married, not having kids.
We are called to reflect the outlook and emphases of the apostles, however imperfectly we achieve this. Paul said on more than one occasion, "Imitate me," which includes what we allow to consume our thoughts, our conversations, and our blog posts.
Yes! We should certainly be discussing, debating, and posting on marriage, singleness, and all things about life on this earth, but our purpose in doing so should be more about God's glory than about our personal satisfaction.
11. dana111 said the following at 10:11 AM on Mar 20
Thanks, Ted.
I appreciate the clarity shown by the Boundless moderators. There is just so much confusion right now about singleness and marriage. We need to pay attention to all of the word of God, not just to the scriptures that prove our point. For example, we tend to forget about Paul's statment in 1 Corinthians 9:1-5:
The Rights of an Apostle
Am I not free? Am I not an apostle? Have I not seen Jesus our Lord? Are you not the result of my work in the Lord? Even though I may not be an apostle to others, surely I am to you! For you are the seal of my apostleship in the Lord. This is my defense to those who sit in judgment on me. Don't we have the right to food and drink? Don't we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord's brothers and Cephas?
I hope this is not a horrible example of prooftexting, but I think it is important that Paul posed this question of freedom in ministry to the same Corinthian church that asked him "is it better not to touch a woman." When it comes to marriage and ministry, people forget that there is a great sense of freedom within the body of Christ. I don't believe Paul contradicted himself when writing the 9th chapter of 1st Corinthians. This can go to show that marriage and ministry are not mutually exclusive.
12. Amir Larijani said the following at 10:55 AM on Mar 20
Good post, Ted.
13. Laurie said the following at 11:57 AM on Mar 20
I needed to hear this...Thank you so much for writing this. As I enter a serious relationship, I am having to think through stuff like this, and I have wondered if getting married means I am not serving the Lord like I should. This is an encouraging post!
14. Jeremy said the following at 12:36 PM on Mar 20
In response to Comment #2 --
I am confused by a couple of things. First, you talked about the "apocalypic" views of the author, and use Matthew 5 as an example, but these are the words of Jesus. You are either implying that Jesus (mistakenly) thought the end of the world was coming very soon after his death, or that Matthew changed Jesus's words in order to reflect that. I would contend that in either case this is a pretty serious problem with your view of Scripture.
Also, Paul wrote the books of 1 and 2 Timothy. We do not really know what Timothy's view of marriage was, only Paul's (which I want to address in another comment).
15. Novagirl in VA said the following at 4:13 PM on Mar 20
Ted,
Great post. I totally agree that you can be married and serve God and they are not mutually exclusive.
My question is regarding another commonly debated belief: That the Bible only supports individuals in lifelong singleness if they are in full time ministry, have the gift of celibacy and aren't burning with sexual desire. All the rest of us who don't have the gift of celibacy should marry. That's it -- two options. (And of course we are all to serve God regardless of marital status)
I'm on the fence about this myself and am wondering if this is just one interpretation of scripture among others, or if it is really something we can stand on. And if this is a correct interpretation, then why aren't our ministers (including mine) being more firm in telling us to marry?
I guess I would like to know what you think about this as I'd like to talk with my singles pastor about it.
And I of course realize this puts single women who want to marry, like myself, in a challenging position since we are not the initiators.
Thoughts?
16. Katie B said the following at 5:07 PM on Mar 20
April: "Everything is secondary compared to our primary purpose--glorifying God and enjoying him forever, which I am sure no one here disagrees with."
You are absolutely right. I can see how your comment was misunderstood, though.
Marriage and serving God are not mutually exclusive, except when we focus on one to the point of misunderstanding and excluding the other. So many singles seem to confuse getting married as serving God. But you do not serve God by getting married, but you can serve God through your marriage. You also do not serve God by being single, but can do so through your singleness. Getting married just changes your modes, or venues of service, from when you were single. But they really don't have a cause or effect relationship, Being single does not cause service or glorifying God, neither does marriage, they can certainly affect it, but I wonder how we get up the idea that we have to choose between them, or that we have to defend marriage.
17. dana111 said the following at 6:52 PM on Mar 20
Sassy sister (#8 or 9, I think) said:
"No one is saying that marriage is bad, or wanting marriage is bad. But it seems like you attack anyone that is walking in contentment(especially in their singleness), as if somehow the idea of a content single must mean that they are celibate as well."
I am sorry, but it seems to me that you attack any post that tries to make singles feel okay for wanting marriage. It is as if you don't trust the motives of ANYONE that may desire it. I don't mean to attack you, but it seems like everytime there is a post that dispels some type of horrible lie singles have been indoctrinated with concerning the desire for marriage, you come back and try to temper it with making sure all of our motives are "pure." At times, I question YOUR motives. If I am wrong, explain to me how I may be taking your post out of context.
You also said: "Why can't married people and singles accept each other and walk in love?"
Why can't "contented and spiritual" individuals as yourself accept the fact that some of us singles can be content AND STILL WANT TO BE MARRIED??
18. obewan said the following at 6:38 AM on Mar 21
8. a sassy sister wrote:
“I don't believe that marriage makes you a whole person or completes you as a person.”
Years ago, there was a singles ministry seminar or magazine article titled “One is a Whole Number.” I don’t remember the details except that the title says it all when it comes to how some churches treat singles and how we actually should be in Christ.
19. Carrie Lea said the following at 9:57 AM on Mar 21
Ted Slater,
Thanks for taking the time to show these misconceptions for what they are!
April,
I think we all agree that glorifying God should be our highest priority in life. However, glorifying God is a purpose and an effect, not a specific action. There are many actions we can take to glorify God. We can worship through song and dance; we can witness to others; we can portray the beauty of His design through our marital relationships. Glorifying God and marrying someone need not be two separate things. I think the point of confusion here is that your post seemed to imply that they are two separate things, at least usually.
You and sassy sister are right that getting married should not be our ultimate purpose in life. However, I don't think that most singles who desire to be married are actually making it their ultimate purpose. Speaking from experience, the desire for marriage is often itself a manifestation of the desire (or dare I say, need) for meaningful companionship and intimacy. If we find our need for this companionship frustrated for years on end (as so many singles do), then not only does it not glorify God (it is not good for man to be alone), but it can cause the single a great deal of grief (hope deferred makes the heart sick).
For many of us, only marriage can really bring us the level of companionship and intimacy that God designed us for. I am glad for those singles who, though called to be married one day, somehow do not seem to suffer as badly as other singles. In the meantime, though, I hope that you will extend mercy and understanding to those of us who take it harder. I know that to me, even though I had good friends, it was crippling to live without a family of my own for so many years. It did, in fact, hinder my walk with God.
One last point: The average age at marriage has increased quite a bit from years past. I think one result of this is that more singles feel the grief I mentioned, and therefore they seem to be more "preoccupied" with getting married to relieve their loneliness. Because of this, I can understand why you and sassy sister think that singles are focusing too much on marriage nowadays. However, keep in mind that had marriage been so difficult to "achieve" in years past, we probably would have seen the same phenomenon.
Our culture seems to be near one end of a pendulum swing with regards to marriage. The Boundless writers are doing their best to encourage us to marriage in hopes of swinging the pendulum more toward balance. That is why it seems like they are focusing so much on this issue. I appreciate what they are doing.
20. Garth said the following at 12:52 PM on Mar 21
I understand the point this article makes and there is certainly place for it. It is interesting that, in my experience, the opposite is more often true. Often I have found singles marginalized in the church by those who are married. The assumption communicated directly/indirectly is that as singles, we’re either outside of God’s plan for marriage, consumed in selfish living, and/or “incomplete” in our singleness, all of which preclude us from “true” or full ministry in the church (or the world for that matter). Depending on denomination, some higher leadership roles in the church are not even made available to men who are not married. Of course, I disagree with the marginalization of singles in the church.
Separately, I’m shouting out some encouragement to “A Sassy Sister” (post #8) who consistently brings clarity and truth in her responses, which totally rocks! :-)
21. a sassy sister said the following at 6:58 PM on Mar 22
Garth,
Thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. It is nice to know that I not the only person that is experiencing this in the church.
dana111:
If I somehow communicated that I was against people preparing for marriage, or dispelling the idea that one can be BOTH content in their singleness and want marriage, let me clarify. If you read my previous post, you will note that I stated that I believe marriage to be good and wonderful. But I'm also trying to look at the big picture here--glorifying God, sharing the gospel, and showing the love of God while I'm here on earth. That doesn't start when I get married. That starts at conversion. I agree with Carrie Lea that there needs to be balance. But for me, I don't want to do things JUST so I can get a husband and start a family. While both are wonderful and great things to desire, we need to be honest about our expectations about marriage and family in our desires. Do I want to get married and have a family? Absolutely. However, I don't let the desire override my thinking so much so that:
a)it's on my mind 24/7 and is a constant topic of conversation with my friends.
b) that my choices in ALL of my relationships are influenced by whether or not the decision will help me get married and start a family
c)that I begin to hide or change myself so that I can get married, not because it is something that is hindering my relationship with God and would draw me closer to him.
I also know that I had unrealistic fantasies and ideas about what marriage and family life are like. I used to think that when I get married and have a family, that my loneliness would go away and everything would fall into place in my life. But I don't think that way anymore. I realize from watching others healthy marriages that marriage is NOT about me and satisfying my desires(and neither is life, for that matter). I want to do things to please God and do things out of love and obedience. This is not to say that wanting to spend your life with someone in the lifelong covenant of marriage is wrong, but that your desires cannot BE FOUNDED and primarily driven by satisfying our own needs. When you tell singles that they need to get serious about getting married WITHOUT telling them to learn contentment NO MATTER where they are in life, married or single, you are setting them up for serious trouble, because subsequently they attach their esteem and happiness based on the marriage and the health of the family. Consequently, when their marriage experiences great difficulty and hard times, the suffering is greater because you base your personal happiness on whether or not your marriage is going great or your family is healthy. The issue that I have is not whether or not someone is married or single. I issue I have is WHAT YOU BASE YOUR CONTENTMENT AND HOPE ON. Contentment is something that is not based on marital status or your ability to bear children.
So bottom, line, I do believe that someone can be content in their singleness and desire marriage. But I also believe that a single person can be content in doing what God wants them to do in the moment, while trusting God with their desires for marriage. This does not mean that a person can't prepare for marriage, but I've noticed that when person is preparing to be a WHOLE ADULT God's way, then in many ways you actually prepare yourself for marriage. I guess I just am reminding myself that God doesn't just care about our actions, but our attitudes as well.
22. Carrie Lea said the following at 9:49 AM on Mar 24
sassy sister,
I don't think we really disagree, but like dana111, I admit that I wonder why you tend to push very hard for singles to be content and have pure attitudes whenever the topic of marriage is brought up. I suspect it has something to do with the church environments that each of us has been in. It sounds like you may have spent a lot of time in an environment where singles were not properly appreciated, and so you may be reacting against that particular imbalance. If so, I can't say that I blame you.
In my case, I was appreciated as a single and allowed into various forms of ministry. No one at my church ever disparaged or looked down on me for not being married. My desire for marriage came from my own heart, not from social pressure.
I served faithfully in a couple of different areas in the church. I fellowshipped with Christians inside and outside my church. I had a good family background and a few close friends to support me. With regards to marriage, I prayed fervently to God on many occasions. Of all people, perhaps I should have been in a position to be most "content." Nevertheless, every year that I came home to an empty apartment or just a roommate, I felt more and more empty. I would even compare it to going without food; it felt like my soul was becoming emaciated.
The loneliness didn't really start to subside until I starting dating my (now) husband. Maybe it's all the time I spent reading up on marriage on the FotF website, but I believe I did go in with realistic expectations (which as you point out, is very important). I knew that God would always be my ultimate provider, my source of salvation, always there for me. However, I in fact do not feel lonely anymore. My husband really has filled the empty place in my heart that (dare I say it) even God did not fill.
Maybe that sounds blasphemous, but I believe it is simply God's design. I believe it was Him who put the desire there, and that continuing desire is what will keep me stubbornly clinging to my husband even through the hard times. It has already turned me into a more patient, forgiving person. I don't expect my husband to be something he's not -- but only he can be everything that a husband is, and that is very real.
sassy sister, if you are really content with your singleness, then I applaud you. It's possible you are a more devoted, pure-hearted disciple than I was. Looking back, though, it's just hard to see how I could have served God better or been more happy with life without a family of my own. Maybe some of the singles here feel the same way.
23. Christina (in green) said the following at 11:19 AM on Mar 24
Carrie Lea,
Yeah...that's me. Though haven't gotten to the companion part yet.
I understand what your saying. And I understand Sassy Sister too.
I struggle between the two sides, trying to find a balance or the right approach...being purely content has never happened though...even in the best of circumstances.
I honestly and sincerely wouldn't mind Sassy Sister's contentment concerning her singleness, but if i dwell on that too much, I might get jealous of her ease in being single. I've been praying for both, though...a husband and contentment/peace in the here and now...
24. dana111 said the following at 12:34 PM on Mar 24
A sassy sis said:
"The issue that I have is not whether or not someone is married or single. I issue I have is WHAT YOU BASE YOUR CONTENTMENT AND HOPE ON." I know you were using "you" as a plural, and I understand and respect your concern. However, is it really the place of someone else to make sure my motives are pure, or is that something that should be left to the only One who knows me better than I know myself??
It is true that motives are important. But, for me, I don't think the desire for companionship or sex should be seen as "ungodly" motivations for marriage. Marriage is for this world, and sometimes I think we tend to "overspiritualize" it and divorce it from its physically pleasures and characteristics. Sure, people shouldn't marry anyone just to have sex, but I do think that physical passion is an integral desire that marriage is supposed to fulfill. My motives for marriage are as follows: to demonstrate the love of Christ for His Church while on earth, to have Godly offspring and train them to be committed to the cause of Christ, to serve, honor, help, and submit to my future husband, and to experience the type of dedicated companionship that a Christ-centered marriage provides. I believe that God will convict me if my motives become less alturistic and more about me and my needs. Until then, I will hope for marriage while living the best life I can as a single person. That is all that we single Christians (women) can do!
25. Leah said the following at 7:11 PM on Mar 24
a sassy sister- seriously, boundless contributors and commenters have been through this discussion SO many times before.
Nobody is bashing you for being content in singleness. This post was meant to encourage both married and single people and tell them that you can both be married AND serve the Lord. It's all about the MARRIED status. It doesn't talk about the single status, so how on earth does its message equate to bashing the "content to be single" status?
Nowhere does it say that being content with singleness is wrong. It talks about marriage and says that being married is NOT settling for second best. If you take that to mean that singleness must be the opposite, then that is you putting singleness in the "wrong/second best" category, not Ted.
It just baffles me that you can possibly take messages about singleness out of this post when it's not even ABOUT singleness- it's about being married.