Boundless Passion
by Ted Slater on 03/18/2008 at 9:24 AM
I found myself over at Focus on the Family's marriage forum again this morning. And was freshly reminded why I do what I do here at Boundless.
Consider some of the recent forum titles:
- My Marriage is falling apart
- trying to Deal
- How do I make dh understand?
- 36yr marriage, 2yrs since affair, now issue w/desire
- Wanting to save a marriage
- Lord hear my cries
- New Marriage on the rocks!
- Pastors and infidelity
- my husband needs to cut apron strings
- In-laws telling us what to do!!
- Confused
- I have So many Questions
- Is it okay for a husband to fantasize about other women?
- Lonely and unhappy in marriage
- Unequally yoked and hurt but still here...
- Heartbroken and Despondant
- Please pray for marriage restoration
- I have had enough...
The pain and confusion and heartbreak and devastation and broken trust go on and on.
And so I'm reminded of my passion and motivation as editor of Boundless: helping single adults make the most of their years of transition, yes, and more importantly helping singles prepare to have rich, successful, happy marriages.
So that instead of finding themselves posting comments on the Focus on the Family marriage forum with titles like "Wanting to QUIT" or "After 4 affairs - Divorce is my option," you'll be visiting the marriage forums and offering gracious, heart-felt encouragement and godly counsel.
1. Lauren said the following at 9:57 AM on Mar 18:
I listened to FOTF and read Boundless articles for several years before I got married. Then ... a wonderful Christian man that I met through e-harmony. I've got to say that marriage a joy! Which is not to say it won't be tough sometimes (say, when we have kids). But I'm very thankful to FOTF and Boundless for, I guess, "training my eye" to choose a godly man who I admire and love very much.
2. Jo said the following at 10:05 AM on Mar 18:
Wouldn't you agree though that all marriages go through rocky periods and 'wanting to quit' for a time isn't so rare, or so terrible? Let's face it, you're unlikely to get a lot of super-positive threads in a forum like that because when your marriage is going well, you don't need to talk to internet strangers about it. And besides, the person who wants to quit today might be the one offering Godly encouragement and counsel to others tomorrow. You're not necessarily talking about two different sets of people here, pretty much everyone goes through similar struggles, just at different times.
That said, the advice and wisdom of people like you guys is invaluable in preparing for successful marriages, so I certainly don't disagree with your passion. :)
3. Rosabacio said the following at 10:09 AM on Mar 18:
I am not trying to be divisive or negative. But I read the forum entries on the link you provided above and I wonder, what is to be desired about marriage? I'm not asking that question to put the institution of marriage down or be discouraging.
I have many married friends who I pray for regularly. I completely support their desire to strengthen their marriages. I also take joy in seeing their children grow and become Christians themselves. Marriage is good!!!
But at the same time, I'm thinking that my life is fulfilled and happy and meaningful already being single (I serve in my church and serve others. Why should I get married if my marriage could be like those in that forum? What is there to look forward to? Arguing? Infidelity? Isolation?
I suppose it's not an issue for me now since I am not being approached by guys anyway. But now I'm thinking if one did, I should run the other way quick!!!
Help me out here! I'm not trying to be negative.
4. Rachael said the following at 10:49 AM on Mar 18:
Thank you guys for what you do. I'm glad Boundless also includes issues not specific to marriage or singleness (but beneficial to both) through articles and blog posts about many other aspects of character, faith, and evangelism. Neat. Something for everyone. Sometimes that one thought will stick in people's minds, and you never know what thought that might be. For a personal example, 'helicopter seeds' (an article on Boundless awhile back) is one thing that really resonates with me. Now that idea might very well stick with me throughout my life. And I might be able to use that or something else I've learned on here to encourage others. Teaching and being taught...a never ending cycle. Someone once told me:
Pursue a Paul (someone more godly, someone who can mentor you)
Be a Barnabas (someone you can encourage)
Train a Timothy (someone you can mentor)
I don't know. That has stuck in my mind, and I guess I stuck it in one of my ex-pastors minds :). I'm not necessarily or intentionally engaged in all those roles, but it's something to think about...basically grow, and seek to spread those seeds, I guess...
5. sarah l. said the following at 11:10 AM on Mar 18:
Unfortunately, I have to agree with comment #3. I am 28 and single, and I think there is probably part of me that desires marriage. But I don't romanticize it as much as I did when I was younger, and when I look at the reality of friend's marriages, I do often wonder "why?" I enjoy my autonomy a lot. I suppose I desire it because it is God's intention for most of us, but I do frequently ask WHAT if, anything there is to desire about it...Maybe I would feel differently if I met someone I really wanted to be with.
6. Carrie (the original) said the following at 11:22 AM on Mar 18:
I suppose it's not an issue for me now since I am not being approached by guys anyway. But now I'm thinking if one did, I should run the other way quick!!!
I think that's what Ted and his staff do what they do: so you won't want to run the other direction if God sends someone your way.
I don't know how many times this can be said (maybe it can't be said enough, but I'm just sick and tired of having to repeat it): marriage is not going to be easy, perfect, or a fix-all. If you believe this, you are dillusional and misguided. On the other hand, dillusional and misguidedness also applies if you think the practice needs to be shunned all together.
Take marriage seriously, but don't be afraid of it.
7. a sassy sister said the following at 11:51 AM on Mar 18:
to rosabacio (comment #3)
I think that we have to constantly remind ourselves that marriage is a beautiful thing. However, marriage has a tendency to magnify the hearts and character of the people in it(i.e. putting your character, habits and desires on full blast). If anything, those posts are a good dose of reality for those of us living right now. ALL HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE WORK, EFFORT, AND COMMITMENT in order for them to grow and thrive. Marriage is no different. People that think that their marriages will be problem and conflict free are simply deluding themselves.
If anything, Ted's posts really helped me realize that a great marriage is not about the absence of problems, but the abundance of God's love and application of his wisdom in dealing with the problems and changes in life. Thankfully, these are lessons that I can learn right now and are not dependent on my marital status.
8. Rita said the following at 12:29 PM on Mar 18:
Read 1 Corinthians 7...here is the first part...
1 Corinthians 7
Marriage
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
You need to seek God on what He wants you to do. He will make it clear. Clearly, if you are not "burning with passion", I would say that you should not be looking at marriage at this time - Again...that is between you and God. God's blessing to you!
9. Louise said the following at 12:44 PM on Mar 18:
A good marriage does not indicate an absence of problems, but rather that problems are resolved in a healthy, functional and satisfactory manner.
10. BDB said the following at 1:29 PM on Mar 18:
I really think that the problems outlined in these marriages are the other side of the coin to men not being "intentional" in relationships: it is a failure of leadership.
For example, I know several divorced men who are very intentional about seeking out female companionship - but they also back away from life's operational challenges, pointing fingers and eventually giving up.
I ran into this in a management setting when some of my employees would run into problems they didn't know what to do about. Some of them loudly pointed fingers because it was always "someone else's fault." Others would become paralyzed and unable to act.
Ironically, the management solution was embedded in all those sermons about "leadership" in marriage: roll up the sleeves and wade into the problem. This was the only solution that was consistently effective. Some of these problems were pretty difficult and would require hours of puzzling in addition to lots of time spent talking to te affected employees. (Sometimes the time required was shortened when I remembered to actually pray for a solution to this specific problem.)
Unfortunately, there were those situations where employees refused to listen. Sometimes executives refuse to listen, too. Then it becomes a difficult choice: if you push too hard, people hate you. If you let them choose to fail, sometimes they're humbled enough to listen. And sometimes it's too late and there's a corporate reorganization...
11. Rita said the following at 2:21 PM on Mar 18:
I find it interesting that everyone appears avoids scripture on these posts.
I hope that you go to the Word of God to seek what God has to say on it, instead of reasoning through it.
Please remember that this was one of the characteristics that caused Jesus not to be accepted by the Pharisees....reasoning....debating....They were convicted by their sin, but didn't know what to do with it.
Concerned for your well being,
Rita
12. Sarah said the following at 2:24 PM on Mar 18:
I honestly find it very hard to be "afraid" of marriage. Do I think marriage will be perfect, solve all my problems and make life easy? Not at all. However my life right now as a single person is not perfect, easy and problem-less. It's easy to dwell on the negative. I choose to dwell on God's word and His calling and not what I see in the world. That doesn't mean I ignore what's going on, but I don't set my mark by it. For those afraid of marriage I have to ask: does being single seem great only compared to a marriage you already seem to think will fail or be miserable? How about focusing on it being a joyful marriage, that will be fufilling and God honoring, obviously with hills and valleys, but this is no different then any other part of our life. Does being single still seem so great when compared to a great marriage and not a poor one? If you are called to celibate service I am not speaking to you...but more to those who seem afraid of entering into a bad marriage.
I also would like to say I am thankful for this site because it's made me joyful and honest about my strong passion for marriage in my life...I used to have so many mixed up ideas about whether or not wanting marriage was OK. I thank God for the things He's shown me through this site. I'm not saying everything said here is perfect, only God's word is. But it's jumpstarted me into searching deeper into my bible to find out what God wants in my life and how He wants me to pursue those things. People on here pick apart what the authors write way TOO much. They are just brothers and sisters in Christ sharing what God is showing them in their own lives, take their advice the way I believe it's given: with a humble heart. God bless! ~ Sarah
13. Leah said the following at 9:19 PM on Mar 18:
Rosabacio says "Why should I get married if my marriage could be like those in that forum?"
There is not "if" about it, but rahter "when". It *will* happen (unless you have some amazingly miraculous marriage).
Marriages WILL hit the rocks, they WILL go through times of extreme difficulty. It's whether you want to be bothered working through it which is the issue. The best quote I ever heard on this issue is by Dr Cox from the TV show Scrubs:
"The couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everyone else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for the relationship every time if it's right."
The only difference is the "if it's right" part- where Dr Cox is implying "if it's right they fight for it", we would say "once you're married it's right- now you have to fight for it".
Louise was spot on when she said "A good marriage does not indicate an absence of problems, but rather that problems are resolved in a healthy, functional and satisfactory manner."
I understand that some people who feel called to celibacy feel that marriage is not for them. That's fine, Paul commends that (Paul did that himself!)
But for those not called to celibacy, saying "I'm happy where I am now, I don't want the trouble marriage brings" is a cop-out. Do you honestly think the trouble will not be worth it? Being in a God-sustained relationship with a the person you love? I'm sure that in your family growing up you had lots of problems, but did that mean your family life was so traumatic it wasn't worth living with your family? (I am talking about in general here, not the rare incidents where that is true).
14. Ashley said the following at 9:07 AM on Mar 19:
I'm taking a Family Stress and coping class right now, and everything we are learning basically is convincing enough to anyone NOT to get married. I look at my friends getting married and I think the same thing...as they are usually unprepared. Being an adult child of divorce, this topic is quite serious to me. Anyway, some people have asked why get married? I've been thinking that a lot throughout the duration of my Family Stress class... and the only good conclusion I've come to is rooted in a religious framework - one we don't really examine in my school.
Why? Because if God planned it, there is someone out there who needs you to help them, and that same someone is needed to help you. Thinking about how stressful it is and all the problems that you would rather avoid - is selfish thinking. When I think I'd rather avoid the stress, its just selfish. Something I've learned in my class is that the only couples who do well are the ones who think in terms of a "team", rather than just individually. They care more about the well-being of the other, and that sustains them through family stress and crisis. (These are scientifically proven just to add).
True, marriage is beneficial for everyone individually as well, but the mindset shouldn't be on "me" it should be "us and you".
15. Rita said the following at 9:17 AM on Mar 19:
I agree with Sarah's comments: " People on here pick apart what the authors write way TOO much. They are just brothers and sisters in Christ sharing what God is showing them in their own lives, take their advice the way I believe it's given: with a humble heart."
As a reader of the posts, I would question the motive of the people posting and what their true agenda is and if in fact they are truly disciples of Christ.
Measure it yourself:
John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Is the post bringing life???
16. rosabacio said the following at 1:17 PM on Mar 19:
If you are thinking I was picking apart his post, that was not my intent. I was trying to be clear with my initital post. I truly want to understand the advantages of marriage as I stated in my original post. I wasn't looking to be negative or unsupportive of marriage. I stated that I have friends who are married that I pray for regularly. My question was motivated out of a desire to understand. Not to push an agenda.
It's a shame that some of you would rather attack a person for asking a question rather than give sound and biblical advice. Further, I think it is not necessary to question a person's salvation because they have a question either. My agenda is to understand not to put down the institution of marriage which I know is GOD ordained. I thought asking questions and seeking truth is what this forum is for.
17. Sarah said the following at 2:05 PM on Mar 19:
Rosabacio:
I apologize. I should have clarified that I wasn't necessarily directing that comment to you. It was more a rant of my own that I'm tired of people always picking apart the articles in general in most of the other posts. Your comment was not really picking apart what was said and I certainly do not question your salvation! I hope I did not offend you with what I said, it was kind of a generalization, but I do feel that way about *most* people’s attitudes on here. I pray you would seek God's will for your life and not let other's sins and problems in their marriages detour you from getting married. All things are possible through Christ and you are not destined to a broken marriage just because others have had bad marriages. God Bless ~ Your sister in Christ, Sarah
18. rosabacio said the following at 12:15 PM on Mar 20:
No worries Sarah, apology accepted = )