Honest Words From a Single Mom
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 02/06/2008 at 9:10 AM
In "Single Mother in Need of Help," Amanda Cate opens up about the challenges of being a single mom -- a status she never expected. She writes:
I remember the joy of sharing dinner as a two-parent family and what it was like to fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day with a warm body by my side. I remember taking quiet baths, being able to run out to the store for a quart of soy milk just because I could, and knowing that after a bad day I had someone to talk to over the age of three once evening came. Life wasn't perfect, but I was happy during the short time that I knew what love, marriage, and a family had to offer. But not by any choice of my own, I lost it.
I think it's a human thing to assume people are OK. We're hesitant to step in and help because we don't want to hurt someone's pride -- or more often we're just too busy. But Amanda's perspective challenges us to truly see the most vulnerable members of society -- the elderly, the poor, the sick, single mothers. Amanda is startlingly honest about her own need:
But sometimes I wonder what the people around me think when they see me and my children. Is it pity, compassion, judgment, concern? Do the happily married or single girls around me have any idea what it's like to parent alone? Do they even wonder at all? I've tried to explain to my friends and those around me, but very few seem to truly understand the pain, hard work, and heartache of it all. Even fewer have reached out to offer a helping hand.
Yet a helping hand is exactly what I and other single moms need. While we may put a smile on our faces and act like everything is OK, we honestly need others to reach out to us in practical ways.
I'm thankful Amanda had the courage to write the truth about her need. I am challenged to think of ways I can help people I know who are going through a trying time. At some point it will be me; and that's what the Body of Christ is all about.
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction. (James 1:27)
1. Jane2 said the following at 9:36 AM on Feb 6:
As I read her article, my first thoughts were, "how did she become divorced?" I'm not saying that having that question answered for me somehow will take away from her struggles. I wholeheartedly agree that we need to minister to single moms!
In all honesty, I am sincerely wondering if there is any way she can be reconciled to her ex-husband. Maybe Amanda Cate has tried and prayed to do this. I guess I would have liked her to expound a little bit more on this. But nonetheless I do understand that her article was specifically about the struggles of being a single mom.
2. dana111 said the following at 9:41 AM on Feb 6:
Beautiful, Suzanne. I know several single mothers who are struggling to find a balance between being a fulltime mom and a fulltime employee. As a single woman without any children, I cannot imagine what that is like. Thanks for the reminder of what pure religion is.
3. Bine said the following at 9:42 AM on Feb 6:
When I read this article I thought...wow...I could have written this! Your statement: "I've tried to explain to my friends and those around me, but very few seem to truly understand the pain, hard work, and heartache of it all. Even fewer have reached out to offer a helping hand." touched my heart as I have been there so many times. I too have received more criticism than support. I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your struggle. Even though I am now engaged to be married to a wonderful man who is also a single parent, I spent almost a decade living the life you describe here. I hope to never forget that and use what God had taught me to reach out to others.
4. Ted Slater said the following at 10:06 AM on Feb 6:
Jane2 -- My friend Amanda has found herself in a very difficult situation. I'd encourage all to give her the benefit of the doubt here, and to focus on the point of the article: Single moms could sure use a hand.
5. John D. said the following at 10:18 AM on Feb 6:
I trust this article was written primarily to and for women.
Men (all men but especially single men) ought to exercise great caution in approaching needy single moms, for obvious reasons. Their well-intentioned efforts might be mistaken for something else (and indeed the men might have motives that are at least a little mixed).
6. Jennifer said the following at 10:44 AM on Feb 6:
I can easily become angry when I read about single parenting. I am a single mom of four, my ex husband became addicted to meth and left us without anything. While my family came to help, and eventually child support has come and we are able to be on our own, my children and I have suffered tremendously emotionally and like the writer, I feel at times like my heart is going to just stop because it cannot bear the physical and emotional pain anymore. There is NO time to do anything but maintain a household. ALl the classes at church I can't participate in because there is never child care (and I'm in a big church) Nobody, as much as they offered has followed through but more than once, if at all to help. The more stable I become, the more I pray about starting a single parenting program with my church soley for fellowship, and mostly childcare! These moms (and dads) NEED this. No one who has ever been without a spouse can ever understand the enourmous weight carried by single parents and how it affects them and the kids! Please, if you've ever offered to be there for someone, in prayer, follow through to be the hands and feet of our Lord, they need you.
7. Lisa said the following at 10:44 AM on Feb 6:
I have a friend who recently became a single mom to her six kids when her husband died after a long struggle with cancer. As I watch her work through the daily challenges presented to her in raising, alone, her young family, I can completely see how such a ministry of presence is so helpful to her. I often feel isolated being at home with our one child during the day, and I have my husband to help me. I cannot imagine what it must be like for her. Let us all remember to reach out to single moms, because it is not an easy job!
8. M E said the following at 11:20 AM on Feb 6:
Very true. I have a slightly different perspective on it as I am the 20 year old daughter of a mom who has raised my siblings and I single handedly for the past 6 years. Now it's a completely different type of support she needs as there is just one sibling left at home, soon to leave. It's a hug that she needs, a smile. Remember the single moms of all stages of life :)
9. Rita said the following at 12:12 PM on Feb 6:
Jane 2 - Are you implying that she shouldn't have gotten divorced? Maybe this is true. However, there is something else to consider. If you were in a marriage as an unbeliver, married to an unbeliever, would God ask of you (new in Christ) to reconcile with a non-believer? These are some things I have questioned. I desire to know what scripture says about this.
10. Holly said the following at 12:50 PM on Feb 6:
Ministering to single moms by befriending their kids is something I've done for nearly ten years. It helps kids to have more than one adult to count on, and it certainly helps moms to have another adult participating positively in the lives of their kids. This article did not mention something a friend to a single-parent family can do most easily and that will make an ENORMOUS difference. If the mom is single because dad has abandoned entirely or has passed away, then find out when mom's birthday is. Three times a year (birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas), take the child(ren) on an outing to purchase or make a gift for their mother. The kids are generally thrilled, and it means the world to mom. (In a divorce where dad still plays something of a role, try to find out if he's got this covered before stepping in.) I have done this for years with the children of several single-parent friends, and it's life-changing stuff. It works especially well if you can find a way to keep your participation anonymous. When the kids are old enough to keep harmless secrets, this may be possible.
11. Mommynator said the following at 1:09 PM on Feb 6:
Maybe you single mothers should stop plastering a smile on your face and out-and-out ask for specific help.
People do mean to help, it's just that they're not sure what the specifics are.
Get over it, and ask those people - I have such-and-such I need/want/would like to do but I can't without some babysitting help. Are you available?
That's specific and I'll bet there are plenty of people in church who, if approached frankly, would be glad to help.
12. Becky said the following at 1:23 PM on Feb 6:
Thank you for sharing this article. In many places the church still ignores the special needs of single moms. Amanda spoke my heart in her article. I just wish other people would understand.
Jane2- Attitudes like yours keep others from helping us. What's done is done and we must live with the results.
John- Attitudes like yours keep men from helping me fix my car or be a mentor to my fatherless son.
I hope you both didn't mean it the way it came across.
13. K said the following at 2:40 PM on Feb 6:
I'll refrain from lambasting Jane2 since that isn't the point of this discussion.
But I think it does speak to another thing about assumptions.
Maybe the person didn't have a divorce but made a mistake when they were younger?
I have a friend who had her kid while very young and before she found Christ. But through a lot of love and care, has joined a church and found a fellowship that she is thriving in.
People are like icebergs, there is much to them than just what's on the surface.
Thank you for an enlightening read and one I hope will draw others to help those around us.
14. k. said the following at 3:02 PM on Feb 6:
Jane2 - What does it matter?
John D. - Yeah, you're right. In fact, better not even SMILE at these women lest they get the wrong idea. (Rolling eyes.)
15. Rita said the following at 3:10 PM on Feb 6:
John D - Maybe a better statement would be:
Some people’s motives might be skewed. It would be best to attempt to serve single moms through church outreach programs that would facilitate accountability and purity in these situations.
For instance, the church I belong to is sponsoring a couple days where moms with their kids can stop in, have some coffee and baked goods while church members change their oil.
16. John D. said the following at 4:01 PM on Feb 6:
Becky,
Evidently you received my comments in a way that I did not intend them.
You can see how the line between selflessly serving a sister in Christ and getting familiar with a single(-ish) woman in a position of need and vulnerability might be fraught with misunderstanding and mixed messages.
Sure, I'll be a mentor to your son or work on your car (actually, I'm not so handy with cars in real life, but that's neither here nor there). You can see, though, how an offer of help from the kindly old 60-something married guy across the street involves a totally different dynamic than when a young buck from the singles group keeps offering to stop by and help to around the house (although maybe such an offer would be entirely welcome).
17. Rachael said the following at 4:51 PM on Feb 6:
Someone wrote: "I can completely see how such a ministry of presence is so helpful to her. "
-->I like that -- "ministry of presence"...
18. James said the following at 5:51 PM on Feb 6:
I see what John D. is saying, and also how it could come off as being a hinderance.
My question, then, would be this. How DOES a young, single man who feels burdened to help a single mother do so in purity while guarding her heart, but still freely offering what aid he can give as another member of the Body of Christ?
19. Suzanne said the following at 6:23 PM on Feb 6:
Jennifer, maybe you can speak to this. I would love- LOVE- to help out the single moms in my church. But having never been a mom myself, much less a single mom, I don't know what types of things are helpful. Can you share what would help you feel loved and cared for? I don't want to assume and then have my friends feel like I'm pushing them around, but I really don't want them to feel abandoned either.
20. farmer Tom said the following at 7:10 PM on Feb 6:
I will be honest here.
I have real trouble with this topic.
First, the very fact that the father of the children is alive, and not being held accountable for some of the care of his children points to a complete failure of the church and the state as well.
Second, While I am genuinely concerned with her plight, as a married man with a job, a family of four and a wife who are my first priority, I have little time for "being involved" in someone else's family.
Thirdly, as John D. pointed out, a man who intends to guard against accusations of improper conduct and motivations has to be very careful with "being involved" in the lives of women living alone.
It is my personal habit to never be in the presence of a single/unmarried/married woman of any age alone. Never, never, never, ever. I value my marriage, my integrity and my good name as a Christian leader too much to place myself in a compromising situation like that.
So in the end, this becomes a very hard situation for me. While I see the need, I can not, and will not destroy my life/family in an attempt to "help" someone who is already living in a broken situation.
Ladies, you need to take this opportunity to serve the Lord by helping a sister in Christ.
See what Titus 2 says,
" 3The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
I don't see a Biblical role for the Christian man in the life of unmarried/divorced/widowed women in the church, unless done with a great deal of care to avoid impropriety.
I'm sure what I just said won't be popular,.................................. as if that's ever bothered me before.
21. k. said the following at 7:33 PM on Feb 6:
John D - In a way, I see what you're saying. But we can't just avoid people because we worry they might get the wrong idea. In that case we might as well be hermits, and never talk to anybody.
If you're matter-of-fact in your approach, and genuinely operating out of a desire to serve, I think your intentions will be understood. If you're still worried, you could always run your concerns by a pastor or similar. Also, a lot of large churches have specific ministries you could participate in.
I just hate to see someone avoid a person in need just because she might get the wrong idea. Single moms are people, first and foremost. And we're supposed to care for people.
22. Lynne said the following at 9:56 PM on Feb 6:
First, to Amanda,
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and the reminder that we truly need to be the hands and feet of Christ. I'm taking your ideas right now and going to offer some specific ways to help some of my single mom friends.
To the Mommynator:
It's possible that the single mom has a smile plastered on for several good reasons: she's been condemned, criticized or given "helpful" advice when she has asked for help; others have viewed assistance as a one-time or acute post-divorce need, not an ongoing need; she may not want to break down in front of, or around, her children; lastly, she may be too tired from surviving day to day, to think about what she needs or feel like she can articulate it quickly.
It's hard for many people to ask for help in the best of circumstances, let's not criticize the person who is in difficult straits for not asking for help.
23. Trevor D. said the following at 7:10 AM on Feb 7:
Jane2 is pointing towards a valid issue (which is not to say anything at all about Amanda Cate). There _is_ a place for deciding how and when to help people based on their character.
St. Paul advises precisely this distinction in 1 Timothy, mentioning various qualifications for helping widows and deciding which ones not to help. Christianity has historically tried to implement this with varying degrees of success; the principal seems to be a valid one.
I think the key here is to be Spirit-led in all of this - only God knows the heart, and only He can direct us properly in how to deal with real-life situations.
Once again, I have no idea how this should be applied to Amanda Cate :) YMMV.
24. Sarah said the following at 7:53 AM on Feb 7:
I think I see where John D. is coming from. Whether a woman is a single mother or just single, a single man of the right age coming around could certainly be seen as somebody having interest in her, not just trying to help out. Many a romance novel (even a Christian one) has such a plot. And letting a woman in that situation suffer even more emotional pain when she realizes he's not interested in her certainly doesn't seem like a good result. Farmer Tom also mentioned never being alone with a woman, which I think is commendable. I remember once hearing about somebody, I can't remember who, but somebody like James Dobson, who would actually get off an elevator if a woman got on and would be the only other passenger, because he wanted to avoid temptation and any appearance of evil.
It's hard, then, for men to know what they can do to help in these circumstances without giving the wrong idea. One thing might be to be straightforward about it. Talk to the single mother, tell her that you'd like to help out if possible, that maybe you could help be a male mentor for her children, something like that, and directly address the fact that your intention is not to court her, but to help her in her struggles and take some of the load off. You could also enlist some friends to work with you, so that it's not you alone with the kids. And definitely work through your pastor. Keep him aware of how you want to help and what's going on. He can help you if he sees any problems coming, and he might even take a more active role himself.
This article really made me think about single mothers. At first I couldn't think of any that I know, but then I remembered a neighbor of my parents' whose husband, a child molester, walked out on the family. I'm certainly thinking now about what I can do to help her out. So thanks, Amanda, for drawing our attention to this need and giving us some ideas about what we can do to help.
25. Louise said the following at 8:41 AM on Feb 7:
I would personally be suspect of any man, married or single, who did not trust himself to be alone with a woman!
Farmer tom, I assume you are self-employed...but how would a man with outside employment possibly adhere to your "never being alone with a woman" policy?
I have a different worldview than most of the people on this blog, and I have been accused of being a troublemaker.
Rest assured that is not my intention, but I sometimes really wonder how you people manage to cope in the secular world.
26. Bine said the following at 9:23 AM on Feb 7:
Ok, now I have to chime in as some of the responses here grieve me. I spent many years as a single mother and most of the time I was treated as a potential home wrecker by married women in the church, as needy, and as an outcast of sorts, meaning when all the other women gathered for tea, no childcare was offered or events were held late evenings school nights so that I was by default excluded. The interesting thing is that I am far from needy, I provide very well for myself financially and my children's father is involved in their lives. I never asked for anything but was still treated like I a burden.
There is no reason other than their own selfishness why a congregation turns a blind eye to single mothers. Funny thing is, now that I am engaged suddenly I am invited to all sorts of stuff and even encouraged to bring my kids. While I fully agree that boundaries must be in place to preserve godly behavior between men and women, these things should not be used as an excuse for serving others. Saying we are too busy or that we worry about impurity shows a lack of faith in a sovereign God who can redeem time and can also provide for ways to serve in a way that pleases him.
To farmer John I want to say that although I agree with you that your own family is your priority, I would argue that you could still find the time to serve - and sacrificing some of your own family's comforts for that purpose is part of bearing Christ's cross. Even though I am a very busy single mother to two children, I have over the years found the time to serve on several ministries - one of them being a sunday school teacher to kids of families just like yours.
27. John D. said the following at 9:30 AM on Feb 7:
Oddly, Jesus was willing to be seen with prostitutes (never mind single moms), causing no end of indignation from the holy people in his day.
I was less concerned about the appearance of impropriety than with the feelings of the woman herself.
We talk a lot on this blog about intentionality, pseudo-relationships, defrauding each other and that sort of thing. I was concerned mainly with the mixed messages that might get sent.
Of course, if you want to move in on a single mom by opening her pickle jars and playing catch with her son, and graduating to boyfriend, that may be appropriate in some situations. If she is divorced or separated, and you are serious about following Biblical standards on divorce and remarriage (and her ex is still around somewhere), that's not right. If she were widowed or never married, that's another story.
Farmer Tom makes a good point, though: her real problem is that there is an ex who should be involved in the lives of his wife and kids. That's where the problem lies. Ideally, the couple should be encouraged to get back together, but of course that's not always possible.
28. Carrie (the original) said the following at 9:55 AM on Feb 7:
Louise,
There is no need to be suspect of man who "doesn't trust himself" alone with a woman. Men like farmer Tom are to be commended because they are seeking to be pure in heart. They are seeking to be above reproach because they are in positions of leadership. Let's face it, we live in world that like to play victim. If a man seeks to never be alone with a woman (other than immediate family members) it serves an extremely pragmatic purpose -- they have someone to vouch for them.
For all you naysayers "That just isn't possible", it is possible. It's a two way street. Both parties need to be committed to avoid the appearance of evil.
Now, as a female, I do try to avoid being in a room alone with a man. Even if they are married. I don't come out at 100% on this, but I make the effort. I've had to do some pretty fancy footwork, but it's possible. Sometimes, it does pose as an inconvenience to me, but striving for purity means more than what any temporary inconvenience brings my way.
Like I said, I'm not at 100%. It happens. Pastoral counseling sessions are a prime example. A married friend drove me home the other night because it was cold (no, that's inaccruate --cah-old. brrrrr. freeze your face off cold.) outside. He was on his way out and his wife leaving their kids in the house, alone, sleeping would be just plain irresponsible. That was due to a lack of planning, now that I think about it.
I would really encourage y'all to pray the prayer "Search me O God and try me. See if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." You might be surprised what God shows you. I have been.
29. Trevor D. said the following at 9:58 AM on Feb 7:
Louise: I think Farmer Tom is referring to the idea of being alone privately; sitting with a girl on a park bench in a place where lots of people are around is unlike sitting in a living room with the curtains closed :)
Billy Graham made that one of his rules, if I remember correctly. He wouldn't accept rides in cars if it meant he'd be alone with an unrelated woman. It kept him from scandal, which was extremely important to him.
It's not clear if such rules bind all of us: some of us aren't tempted in that way. For myself, I know exactly what I will do in such cases if the girl is attractive, so I tend towards Farmer Tom's rule (because I know my own actions from the past).
30. Louise said the following at 10:15 AM on Feb 7:
Carrie and others, you have your worldview and I have mine.
I am not trying to be critical, but sometimes I just don't understand how you people cope in this world, and even if you are not "of the world" you must live "in it!"
A few years ago, my personal situation necessitated that I hire a lawyer, then a realtor. Both were men. One was married and the other divorced. I was alone with both gentlemen on several occasions as was necessary for business.
So....would you people say it was not appropriate for me to hire males? I should have sought out a female lawyer and a female realtor?
The fees I paid to both men helped them support their children. The divorced realtor did have one child and was paying child support.
So....what gives folks? If it is not appropriate for men in these businesses to "work for women" their earning base will be diminished, and they will not be able to adequately support their families, as this blog emphatically states is the responsibility of fathers, whether married, single or divorced.
There have been occasions in the past when I have been stymied by the ideas presented on this blog, and I have responded with a sarcastic comment. I am not doing so in this instance.
I am trying to understand you people and your worldview...and I honestly don't understand sometimes how you people manage to live on this earth.
31. Ashleigh Kittle Slater said the following at 10:19 AM on Feb 7:
As the editor of Ungrind, the webzine that published this article, I wanted to weigh in on this discussion. Our demographic is specifically 20- and 30-something Christian women. With that in mind, Amanda wrote this article for women. When I first approached her about sharing her story and practical ways women could reach out and help, it was out a desire to learn myself as a married women how I can better love the single moms around me.
None of the suggestions she offers point to a married man spending time alone with a single mom. This is because I do believe that when it comes to married men helping out single moms and their kids, caution should be exercised. I think it's just plain wise for married men to be careful about spending time alone with a woman who isn't their wife. But I don't believe this means they should never help out a single mom. Instead, perhaps these type of examples can be practiced:
- Help out single moms as a family, with your wife being the primary communicator. If you're a married man who is skilled at fixing cars, than I don't see any reason why your services can't be offered. But let your wife offer your help and don't go over to her house alone. Take your wife with you. While you work on the car, your wife can fellowship with the mom or perhaps watch her kids while she goes grocery shopping. There are wise ways to approach the situation.
- Growing up, I remember my dad taking the teenage sons of single moms at our church fishing. But they always dropped their sons off at our house, where our whole family was present and then picked them up. It was a way for these boys to have male involvement without placing my dad in a situation where he was alone with their moms.
If you as a man notice a need, talk to your wife about it and together figure out ways to help.
32. Rita said the following at 10:23 AM on Feb 7:
Sounds like most of us suffer from a couple diseases: legalism - I think Jesus would call us Pharisees: was the quote: "brood of vipers" and lukewarmism - the church of Laodicea:
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."
33. Bine said the following at 10:35 AM on Feb 7:
One more thing. Let's remind ourselves that preventing the physical act of being 'alone' with someone of the opposite gender is not an iron-glad defese against moral sin. You could be sitting in a sanctuary full of people and although unnoticed by others, be just as guilty. See Matt. 5:28
34. Matt said the following at 11:12 AM on Feb 7:
John D. and farmer Tom,
The context of this post is Christians helping Christians in need. It seems wise to advise men to avoid women and women to avoid men unless they're married. I understand that the church has a bad reputation when it comes to honoring marriage - when I hear about a political sex scandal I'm thinking please don't let it be a Christian. At this point you may not be listening because I've generalized your point to say "men" instead of married or single or old or young and the same with "women" and "avoid" instead of offer help or change a tire or mentor a son or help around the house. The purpose in doing this is because it draws attention to the point I want to make - when someone is in need AND you're there able to help gender, marital status, or if the person you're helping may sin against you are not factors that limit involvement.
Jesus gives, as the example of loving your neighbor as yourself, the parable of the good Samaritan. The good Samaritan did not consider if the victim by the road would sin against him when he gave his assistance. In fact, he became vulnerable by caring for the man (who could have woken up and murder him and robbed him). Further, he told the inn keeper that he would return to pay for whatever else the injured man needed. The victim could have taken much advantage of the good Samaritan and snuck away in the middle of the night leaving him with an outrageous bill. Why is this story and are those points relevant in this discussion? Because a strong caution against helping those around you in need (that's a key determining factor in giving aid) when you have something to give (another key factor) goes against the example Jesus gave. John, when you say things like "exercise great caution in approaching needy single moms" you act like these women have lack self control and do not understand their own role as household protector. Tom, the general idea that you give me is that the women you would be around alone are so out of control for you that they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from committing grievous sin if they could only get you alone. Tom, you're also barking up the wrong tree with your first point it's irrelevant. It's great you guys want to protect your reputations and your family and you ministries - just don't pass the bleeding one by on the road afraid to touch him/her because you may become ceremonially unclean in the process. You have the emphasis on the wrong syllable, guys.
This is a simple thing for me to understand because I'm in the same situation except with genders reversed. I'm a single father who takes help from single women (and more single men as well). Sometimes I'm alone with them. Sometimes I chat with them just to see how they're doing. The whole time I treat them as dear sisters and take up my responsibility to set boundaries visible and invisible around me and my family to protect us. As well, I am always prepared to deal with sin Biblically, not by avoiding the chance of being sinned against, but by the pattern of Matthew 18. If a single woman made a meal for me because she knew I was sick (which nearly happened last month) I wouldn't be out of control lusting for her just because I'm a single father in need. I may add her to the list of women to pursue (because of her godliness) when I'm ready to date again, but to molest her in any way would be the same as denying our adoption into God's family.
In summary, the root of the error of your caution on helping the needy elevates the wrong criteria and ignores the right ones. In the church we need to treat each other like we're saved and be known for our love for one another.
Matt
PS: Tom, what's with the defeatist/in your face attitude? If you've been born again then I'm not your enemy. Even if you were my enemy I would still treat you with dignity because you're human. But, if you reveal you're a well trained cat then the gloves come off.
35. farmer Tom said the following at 12:03 PM on Feb 7:
BTW,
Just to clarify a little on what I said about being alone with a woman regardless of her marital status.
First, this does not mean that I cannot find ways to help out. Without going into detail, I can tell you that I stood outside the front door on a cold day while a single mom opened the grocery sack my wife and I had filled with meat from our freezer.(I get meat as part of my wages.) So I can help, I am just very careful about the situations I allow myself to get into.
Second, Not being alone with a woman regardless of marital status in not just about protecting my reputation or even hers. Its a direct action on my part not to get in a situation where I would be tempted to act in a manner which is improper. I'm not blind even if I'm married, and any attractive woman makes the old sin nature start thinking things which are wrong. So by avoiding those situations which would lead to temptation, thats one less sinful impulse I have to control. I'm a sinner saved my grace. I know myself enough to know that given the opportunity to sin, I would be tempted to sin.
Beside, I'm such a handsome devil, no woman could resist my charms!!! HA
36. Suzanne said the following at 1:48 PM on Feb 7:
I think Ashleigh is right on with her comment about the whole family helping out a friend in need. More than anything, it sends a message to all the kids involved (yours and the single mom's) that this is what Christians do: we all help out. Sometime you will be in need and this same friend might be the one to help your family.
Plus, if two heads are better than one, there will be real benefit in going over with your wife/girlfriend/sister/whoever to help out.
37. Suzanne said the following at 2:04 PM on Feb 7:
I think Ashleigh is right on with her comment about the whole family helping out a friend in need. More than anything, it sends a message to all the kids involved (yours and the single mom's) that this is what Christians do: we all help out. Sometime you will be in need and this same friend might be the one to help your family.
Plus, if two heads are better than one, there will be real benefit in going over with your wife/girlfriend/sister/whoever to help out.
38. Eliza said the following at 2:30 PM on Feb 7:
Groups and couples are not safety zones for the heart. I understand that people don't want to put themselves in temptation's way, but we all know that temptation is not sin. Sin would be following up on an urge to flirt. Couples flirt with other people's spouses all the time in public; the fact that they're married or in public isn't what keeps it from happening.
What keeps a relationship from becoming dangerous is your decision not to listen to that part of you which is saying, "this is getting dangerous". I often think Christians talk about this kind of thing with such a catastrophic mentality. Like, if I just look at her the wrong way, the next thing I know we'll be in bed together! How silly. There are a lot more steps to it than that, and it's not like you black out during those in between steps.
So, while everyone is nicely trying to avoid the temptation, there are a lot of single moms dealing with a really heavy load.
39. Carrie (the original) said the following at 2:51 PM on Feb 7:
Louise, I wish you wouldn't make blanket judgements. I am the child of unbelieving parents, went to public school K-12, some of my closest friends are/have been homosexuals, and I have a corporate job. I even venture out to Wal-Mart once a week and buy my own gas!! I know a little bit about living "in the world", but not being "of the world". Just as you don't like "us" making judgements about you, don't make blanket judgement about others. It's insulting and just plain short-sighted.
As far as your situation goes, you just have to do a heart check.
I had a male boss up until a couple weeks ago. Annual reviews would take place in his office with the door closed. Is this a problem? No, because I knew he loved his wife and a situation like that is necessary.
However, the vast majority of the time being alone in a room with the opposite gender isn't necessary.
40. Louise said the following at 3:19 PM on Feb 7:
Carrie, to repeat my prior statement, I honestly do not understand how the people on this blog can interact with the secular world.
If this statement sounds judgemental to you, then so be it. I can't help someone else's intepretation.
Rest assured I feel baffled, not judgemental.
Re your performance reviews, do you mean you would have been uncomfortable if you had knowledge that your boss was in an unhappy marriage? What if he was single/divorced?
And a "Heart check" about being alone is business situations with men?
I have been dealing with men in business situations (both in groups and individually) for over twenty years.
I know what is appropriate and what is not, and I am entirely capable of keeping a business relationship strictly business.
I don't want to offend anyone on here, but some of the above comments on this thread insinuate that adults are wholly incapable of self control while dealing with members of the opposite sex.
41. BDB said the following at 3:33 PM on Feb 7:
Sarah wrote:
>>Many a romance novel (even a Christian one) has such a plot. And letting a woman in that situation suffer even more emotional pain when she realizes he's not interested in her certainly doesn't seem like a good result. <<
And add to that that someone struggling with the workload alone is probably praying, earnestly and sincerely, for some help. When help shows up, she'll be keenly interested in knowing if this is God answering her prayer.
An alternative the church can provide is structured service opportunities. One clear example is Children's ministry. If you think about it, part of the purpose of separate Sunday School for children is to give parents a break. After a while it becomes clear that some of the kids who have trouble with self-discipline have single-parent moms. So, to try and avoid constantly pulling those moms out of service (they need a break), it's incumbent on the volunteers to try and work with the difficult children. Sometimes, unfortunately, it requires assigning a volunteer 1-on-1 to that child to keep them out of trouble.
Another thing my church does is a mechanics ministry for widows and single moms. The church organizes it and gets an idea of what is needed on the car ahead of time. Both the women and the guys working on the cars show up at church on the same day and the work gets done.
42. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 7:26 PM on Feb 7:
Farmer Tom has been castigated for suggesting he avoid temptation. Why? If he chooses to avoid situations which foster impure thoughts, why is he being criticised for attempting to lead a pure and blameless life? We all have our strengths and weaknesses; Tom seems aware of his own. Having different weaknesses is no reason to adopt a false moral superiority.
Believing that some weaknesses are more acceptable than others, I see that fostering temptation, like flirting with other people’s spouses, is suggested as acceptable provided it’s done in public. Some may feel comfortable with this. I am not. We are admonished to avoid even the appearance of sin, which includes foolish talk, and unbecoming language. This is not about personal weaknesses; these are clear commands for us to maintain holiness in relationships between believers not married to each other.
In fostering relationships, we are not meant to treat some as social pariahs; inclusion should be a strong suit of the church. We can still help out, as that’s what Christians should do. But we must be aware that we grow to like those we spend time with.
Spending time with single parents cultivates a relationship. Unless you are at work, and doing work, your actions can send mixed messages you may not have intended.
This does not grant licence to avoid single parents. There are numerous ways we can offer help. We can organise food parcels or offer home maintenance visits as group activities. I do have compassion for sole-parent families; I was part of one for a long time.
I also know from experience that married men who spend significant time with single parent families risk breeding contention at home. I am related to an older man who spent considerable time doing home maintenance for his single-parent sister, neglecting his own wife and children. It was a pattern of avoidance which contributed to significant relational damage on the home front.
Poorly managing our own home and family does not excuse us from the consequences of our actions. Whether married or single, we are responsible for our actions and the unspoken messages of those behaviours. For example, I work for a living and have female friends/acquaintances at the workplace. I may converse on non-work issues, but I do not seek intimate lunches or make phone calls to them out of hours. That would be sending the wrong message.
This is just (un) common sense. We live in an age in which men’s actions and motives are questioned and suspected. Men are not trusted. For example, male teachers or child-care workers are suspected of wrong motives. We demonstrate our integrity by not charging blindly into these situations, but by examining our motives and considering our choices before acting. Some men may be “called” to these occupations. Most men simply avoid them.
Some call this foolish. I call it prudent.
43. Carrie (the original) said the following at 6:48 AM on Feb 8:
Louise, it would depend on what you mean by "uncomfortable". It would also depend on specifc things that aren't easy to speak to because in my specific circumstances they don't exist.
RE: heart checking. If you can interact with business men, alone, and be professional, that's great. However, this isn't what the blog post was about. We started talking about men interacting with a single mother based on the advice in the article.
Sin starts in the heart. For a man (single or married) to minister to a single female with children (as pointed out, these sorts of women are vulnerable in a way that single childless women aren't) is not something that should be done one-on-one because of the woman's vulnerability.
Some people (like farmer Tom and I) see the merits of setting up physical boundaries in order to help keep sin at bay. Other people seem to think you can simply keep sin at bay without appearing like you are attemping to keep sin at bay. For example, it's O.K. for a man to come into the woman's home and fix her kitchen sink while the kids are at school and she is working on the bills in the living room.
I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it. I have yet to see a relational situation where I wonder "Are they . . . ??" based on physical proximity to each other and be wrong. If the guy is on one side of the room, the girl is on the other, and they don't make eye contact you pretty much know that there is nothing going on.
44. Eliza said the following at 9:13 AM on Feb 8:
Just to be clear, I was in no way advocating flirting with other married people in public or not. In fact, that was what I said was "sin". My point was that being in public is not what protects you.
Naturally people should avoid putting themselves in places of serious temptation or where people could speculate about your motives. But (as farmer Tom and others have said) there are SO many ways to help and be a part of each other's community without falling headlong into a sinful abyss.
45. Matt said the following at 10:26 AM on Feb 8:
Andrew and Carrie,
Louise nicely sumed up why I think several of us disagree with Tom and John when she said "I don't want to offend anyone on here, but some of the above comments on this thread insinuate that adults are wholly incapable of self control while dealing with members of the opposite sex." Second, the two groups on here are expressing two schools of thought about being merciful to the needy (like the parable of the good Samaritan). I would describe the method of the group that I am a part of for responding to needs using mainly two criteria: proximity and capability. Am I near what's happening or can I be? Do I have something that can help out? It seems like the method of the other group including John and Tom for responding to needs uses at least two limiting criteria: chance of being sinned against and other's opinions of your reputation. Now there's a chance I'm misunderstanding the positions of people on both sides and I'll be quick to admit that text alone poorly captures what a person is trying to communicate so feel free to offer correction.
We began this conversation talking about how Christians can and should help other Christians in need. Then the discussion was expanded to how Christians can and should interact with anyone. Finally, in your (Andrew's) conclusion you expand the topic (beyond John and Tom) to what kind of jobs Christian men should hold. You're right to say that we live in a time when men's motives and acitons are suspect. As long as good men stay down and bad men keep acting wrongly then this will only get worse. As Christian men we're perfectly suited to oppose these false pretenses since we have the Word of God to defeat the lies and the Holy Spirit to defeat the demonic world that supports them.
2 Cor 10: 3-5 "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
So how do we do this? Wherever you are: speak the truth in love, visit the saints of God who are suffering, feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, explain the Word of God (2 Tim 3:16). Do not shrink back from these things even in the face of scorn because it is not the approval of men we seek, but the approval of God.
Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
46. k. said the following at 10:57 AM on Feb 8:
Louise - While I don't see eye-to-eye with Carrie and farmer Tom either, I don't find their perspectives as baffling as you seem to. I don't think their self-imposed restrictions will hurt them, although it will certainly make their lives more complicated. And that's their choice.
We all have to chart out our personal limits in life, and we don't always have to answer to others for them, either. You and I probably have some opinions that Carrie and farmer T would find baffling, too. :)
47. Rita said the following at 8:25 AM on Feb 10:
Here is a new circumstance for you: what if this woman suffers from the sin of homsexuality and hasn't quite been cleansed of it.
Who would you men suggest should approach her? Would it be best that "the women" minister to her? It could be some twisted outreach on her part to hook up with women and is desiring their attention.
Did Jesus avoid the prostitute that was on the verge of being stoned. No, he saved her and said' "where are your accusers? Go and sin nor more."
Did Jesus avoid the woman at the well? No, he saved her from her desceived thinking and he offerred her a drink from the well of life.
I guess I don't ever see Jesus avoiding the women.
Not to say that you don't have your current limits, but I would say that this points to the fact that you need to repent and be immediately cleansed of this sin upon realizing it exists in your life. If you truly repent Jesus will cleanse you and restore you. It is called deliverance.
My final question is: who has the problem? The single mom or you?
48. Louise said the following at 5:40 AM on Feb 11:
To me, it is just a classic example of "protesting too much."
And please, I do not mean to judge anyone on this blog.
I've just been dealing with males on a one-on-one basis for so long (both business and personal friendship, and yes it is most possible to keep a friendship just a friendship, folks!) that I would not think twice about hiring a man to fix my sink and actually being here alone (of course my cat is always here to chaperone my activities) while he did the work.
49. Carrie (the original) said the following at 7:53 AM on Feb 11:
Rita -- one (important) difference between Jesus and any other man that had existed: He was without sin. There is a lot Jesus can say and do that we can't really get away with. We can't say "before Jacob was, I am". It was Jesus ministering to the woman at the well, prostitutes, Mary, and Martha, not his disciples. Please take note of that.
As far as a woman struggling with homosexuality, it is even more important for women to minsiter to her. She needs, much more deeply, examples of godly women in front of her. Women who love the Lord and will not falter need to surround her with love.
Louise -- a guy and girl can "keep a friendship a friendship", but at what expense? You can only grow so close before things need to stop growing.
50. John D. said the following at 8:01 AM on Feb 11:
Rita wrote,
" ... I would say that this points to the fact that you need to repent and be immediately cleansed of this sin upon realizing it exists in your life. If you truly repent Jesus will cleanse you and restore you. It is called deliverance."
I'm sure that happens, and praise God for the times it does, but the Christian life is a lifelong struggle against temptation and sin.
No, that does not mean that we rationalize failure to resist temptation as inevitable, but the reality for many of us looks more like a day-to-day struggle than waving a magic wand and making the problem just go away.
Go back and re-read Romans 7, written by perhaps the greatest of the Apostles, at a time when he was no babe in Christ but a mature leader of the faith. Paul still experienced the battle bewteen his old sin nature and his new nature. Did Paul not truly repent?
51. Louise said the following at 8:23 PM on Feb 11:
Okay, so now there is an "expense" for offering your friendship to a fellow human being?
Again, this blog has baffled me.
52. Louise said the following at 5:36 AM on Feb 12:
Well, Carrie, re "expense"...due to my worldview I don't look at every man within twenty years of my age as a potential romantic partner/husband.
53. Sarah said the following at 11:13 AM on Feb 12:
Rita, you make a good point about a women potentially recovering from homosexuality. As one of the posters who talked about men who wish to help trying to avoid being alone with a single woman and avoid leading her own, I wanted to respond to this.
One of the recommendations that I think I made and that several others have also mentioned is that one could help out as a family, or even involve the pastor or church in helping out. I still think that it would be better for a woman to approach her than a man, regardless of her sexuality. I see no reason a woman couldn't/shouldn't befriend another woman, even if that woman was recovering from homosexuality, with maybe the only exception being if the befriender were also struggling with/recovering from homosexuality. If she had recovered from it in the past, she might actually be a great mentor.
A lot of people have gone back and forth about whether or not a man and woman should ever be alone together in private. I don't think the Bible makes any assertion there, aside from admonitions to both avoid sin and avoid appearance of sin. So some of that, surely, depends on the person. I don't think that a man seeing a woman (or the reverse) on business as a lawyer or doctor or such has any appearance of sin, so the only issue there would be avoiding sin. For a man or woman likely to find themselves checking out, fantasizing about, etc. a person they're alone with, then that would be a situation to avoid. Louise, maybe you wouldn't have any temptation in those circumstances, so it would be fine for you. But perhaps Tom would, and so it's best for him to avoid the situation (and I'm not trying to say that either of you would or would not, just giving theoreticals).
I do think it's reasonable for someone who is a leader, particularly a religious leader, to be very careful about this. Our society is so bent on exposing famous people for their sin and dragging them down. People make their careers out of trying to find or make up some sort of scandal. A religious leader who doesn't want his ministry invalidated by scandal, even a false scandal (because such things tend to be headlines when they're "exposed" and then the retractions when they turn out to be false end up buried in a later page so that nobody sees them) might choose to go out of his way, even to the point of feeling a bit foolish at times, to avoid anything that could be brought back to haunt him. In the age where we're constantly having leaders, both Christian and non-Christian, brought down by scandal (especially sexual), I applaud any leader who makes such a difficult resolution and follows through with it, even when it may make him feel/appear foolish.
54. Patti said the following at 12:51 PM on Feb 26:
I'm someone who has known Amanda since she was a little girl therefore I feel I can speak with some common sense here. With as much kindness that I can muster up "you people are so off base!" This conversation has gone so left field, it's crazy. Amanda is the most beautiful, creative, magical, christian mother you will ever know. I have 5 kids and the first 4 are girls and Mandi babysat for me. My daughters are better women because of it. Do not begin to question what her situation might be because you will all be wrong! If you judge her you will be heaping judgement upon yourself and if I were you I'd be much more fearful to question and judge then to trust and listen with a heart of compassion to the heart of God and obey His word to take care of His own. So much dicussion about men helping a single woman, please, if you don't want to help, be man enough to say so. There are many ways to help as a couple; your wife can be your hands, give your money through your church, don't flatter yourself into thinking every women wants you and get busy about God's business according to his guidelines in the word of God. There in lies safety not a reason to judge or cope out on our duty as believers to care for one another ( this goes for both men and women). Please be ashamed for questioning this young woman's situation!!! Be challenged by the conversation to change your own views, your own heart and relationship with God and others. Maybe question your own situation today and repent.
55. Lyn said the following at 2:12 PM on Mar 26:
I have not read all the comments, but I did feel the need to respond. I loved this article. Amanda wrote about everything that I have been feeling over the last few months. I will give you details, since I know some will judge me if I don't (you'll judge me anyway, I'm sure).
My husband left me after "falling" for another woman he worked with just 2 weeks after our first child was born. I begged for reconciliation and then showed him "tough love" in hopes that he would come home realizing what he had lost. I prayed daily for reconciliation to no avail. We can't control other's actions.
On top of all this, I found that friends from the church offered dinner once and then I never heard from them again. All we are asking for is a little conversation. Why do we have to do all the work of maintaining friendships on top of taking care of our families, alone, and ourselves.If I need a sitter, I will ask, but how do you get others to understand that no matter your marital status, you need them to just love you for you.
56. Elaine said the following at 10:36 PM on May 24:
I am a single Mother for almost 10 years now of 2 boys. I just read Amanda Cate's article and it was beautiful, honest, touching and almost too difficult to read for me. She made so many valid points...
My children are now 15 and 10 but a little over 9 years ago I was Amanda, newly divorced with a 9 month old son and a 5 yo son.
Some of your responses were really heartless and curled my toes. It's no wonder so many single parents fall away from churches with attitudes such as these.
I almost had to laugh at the single Mom who reported the complete 180 from the folks at her church when she announced she was engaged. Now suddenly she was invited to every function -- those which she was precisely discluded from and discriminated against when she was a single Mom... how strange.. she is the same person, yet now she has a "man" and she is accepted, invited. How truly absurb. Do these people really think this is how God expects us to treat each other? With love based upon marital status ONLY?
If every married person could just imagine for one moment if they were a single parents even for one day and truly it could be anyone of us. It could be your ... you could wake up tomorrow and your spouse could tell you they were leaving you and refuse to reconcile.. or you could unexpectantly be a widow/widower through some tradgey.
I wouldn't wish any of these scenarios on anyone.
However, I somehow think these very self-rightous and judgemental posters would be singing an altogether different tune if were THEM...
I also have to ask where is the compassion folks? There seems to be a rush to judgement, accusation and pity.
YOu know nothing of why I divorced, nothing of why Amanda divorced. Why should you know or even care the reason why? It's not your business to judge or know the details. Leave that where it belongs - in God's hands.
It's your business to be good stewards of Christian faith and make time to minister to those in your midst who are less fortunate no matter what the reason -- Finding excuses or making snap judgements or shunning those who are single Moms isn't ministering and infact isn't even in accordance with Christain beliefs.
Please do not get me started on the men afraid to be alone with a single mom for they are nearly as bad as their wives who believe a single mom is perpetually on the prowl to steal their husbands. Get a grip...REALLY NOW~!
We single Moms are far to tired AND most of us are far too moral to consider stealing your husband or acting inappropriately with you men if you come to fix our car.
The truth is most single mothers are so tired and worn down from the daily life which includes the strain of living and raising kids alone, working a full-time job outside the home and then coming home to cook meals, clean homes, do the shopping, do the homework, kiss the boo-boos, go the doctors, dentist, and teach a boy how to throw a softball, and try to be both Mother and Father and EVERYTHING To everyone all the time 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year with NO relief or HELP in sight... and oh yes we would like a little help occasinally from people who have a more fortunate situation than ours... pleaese forgive that.
Yes we watch YOUR families on Sundays with longing and loneliness but our minds are not on how to break up your marriage and families. Our longing from YOU is a hoping you will give us little dignity - instead of just pity and scorn. We are hoping for a little friendship and fellwoship to ease our loneliness but are also willing to extend our friendship in return. Notice how married couples never think a single mom might have anything of substance or values to GIVE to enrich your lives.. yet you be suprised that maybe we could teach your something or bless your life in some way.
We are looking for practical help with home improvement and automobile repair, and may be for a little prayer or to share a meal. to be included and accepted... Such simple things really.
Women like Amanda Cate show the true meaning of Christian faith.
To those who sit in judgement of her and her circumstances from the creature comforts and lofty self-rightousness of your marriages and warm homes... I hope you feel some shame because you should.
Remember it could be you tomorrow.. so tread carefuly how you treat others in that circustmance today. We reap what we sow
57. BDB said the following at 12:58 AM on May 25:
Hey Ted - is there any way to add the year to when each comment was posted?
58. Louise said the following at 1:12 PM on May 25:
Re comment 56, sure, after the single mother announced she was engaged, she was no longer viewed by other people as a "threat"....looking to put her claws into anything on two legs and male!
I am divorced and rest assured I do not want to steal anyone's husband.
And BTW, a few weeks ago I had my exterior dryer duct cleaned out by a MALE technician.
Mature adults do not need chaperones....he did the work I contacted his company to do, I gave him a check once he was finished, then he piled his equipment in his truck and left to go to the next customer.
And now the dryer works with much greater efficiency!
:)
59. Suzan said the following at 8:06 PM on Jul 6:
I teach a single mom's class at our church having been a single mom years ago. Some days I am overwhelmed at the needs. Yes, single moms often hide their struggles..... just like married people, by the way...that is why we are so stunned when we find out people in our Sunday School class are getting divorced. I am fortunate that my husband is on board with me in my ministry. When there is a household need that he can meet, we go over together. Like farmer Tom, my husband will not go over to a single mom's house alone... and I would not ask him to. My desire is to understand more completely what I can do to help. It is easy enough when you know the garbage disposal isn't working to load up and go take a look at it... but when they tell you they are living paycheck to paycheck and their rent just increased $120 month and gas is increasing daily and food pricing is going out the ceiling... what then... how do you minister... surely not by just saying, "be warm and be fed".... but at the same time, I can't make their rent payments... tell me how I can help... that is my struggle.
60. Elaine said the following at 2:39 PM on Oct 4:
"Re comment 56, sure, after the single mother announced she was engaged, she was no longer viewed by other people as a "threat"....looking to put her claws into anything on two legs and male!"
I agree, that was what I meant. Don't you wonder why most single parents don't go to church? It's not because they don't have faith or want and many have tried and just get weary of being ostracized and ignored. It's because they are tried of being treated like modern day lepers or at best w/susipcion and disdain or possibly just "tolerated" in best case scenarios.
Its sad we have all these Mega seeker churches around bragging about bringing this person or that person to Jesus Christ. Ok. I did that too - I got save. I was brought to Jesus Christ so now what do you with me ??-- ostracize me? Hmmm there is some real progress. We save them and then ostracize them and mabye barely tolerate them in our midst. But oh yeah don't come too close to a married man lest you but his "reputation" at risk. Doesn't this smack of hypocrispy. We love you sister in Christ but as lip-service - at distance - but hey now you are getting married so welcome to the fold...oops no still a single parent let me hold you arm's length and act as if you aren't good enough or just tolerate your presence.... and some don't even do that.
Then, you want to save my kids?? Why?
'
So that afterwards you can also treat them poorly and let them know just how much they don't measure up or that they are pitied and not be fully accepted by the holier-than-thous married (and apparently sinless) couples?
To women who said there is such Need and tell her how to help (short of paying our bills). Well I can think of millions of ways that don't cose a dime. What about actually treating single Moms the SAME as your married counterparts as valuable, smart, likeable human beings. How about couples treating single parents families w/dignity not judgements.
If there are groups at church make sure there is childcare so those who don't have a spouse can join in with you.... Don't make every event hinged around "couples" this and that so that those who are uncoupled (this also includes never married and widowed) don't feel the outcast. Sure it's ok to have couples studies or marriage studies but do you also offer inclusive studies for all people or is everythign family/couples focused? do you have a singles or single parent group to offset all your marriage-minded ministries? But do you also include those poeple and not categorized them off into those special minstires so your couples don't ahve to deal with them.
Geez, what of asking the single parent family over for holiday supper or just for a get together with other families from church? Having her whole family and your over to socalize shouldn't put anyone in a precarious or compromising situation.
The focus is most Christians only socialize w/other couples and married families. Why not include EVERYONE.
Ladies you can strike up friendship w/the single Mom and maybe introduce several single parent families to each other if you know of them in the church so they connect and be a support system for each other. The church needs to foster a way for single parent families to come together and provide support system. We all want to be included, but also want to connect with others like us. So there has to be balance.
See and you didn't have to spend a dime.
For financial assistance. What about bringing over some grocies if you know things are tight. Yes, your husband can come and save her money on car repair or household fix-ups. If you are worried about your "reputation" then bring the whole clan. As another poster said the wife can babysit adn give the Mom a nice break to go out and do errands or even do somethign special for herself.
There is so much to be done. Most of us don't want to ask or impose on others. If I need home repair I ask my father or hire it out. But if a female friend's husbadn offered I would ceratinly appreciate that. That doesn't mean I am going to try get hinm into the bed. If he or his wife thought that then why pursue a friendship with me at all.
It's a bout RESPECT for people not just MARRIED people. Divorce is not a scarlet letter. You don't have right to sit in judgement of others.
61. Meredith Maki said the following at 11:09 PM on Nov 23:
I found all of the comments interesting. I have been a single parent of 5 children for six years. After a 22 year marriage my ex husband left,(if you must know it was a little problem with porn,oh just a little)He wasn't the most gentle man at that. I do agree that it really is no ones business. Yet I do feel as if sometimes people seem to think that it is there God given right to know.I can in some respects understand what Farmer Tom is saying about being alone with a single woman. I do not believe that it negates his responsibility to assist a single mom or any one else that he should come across that needs help, especially if he is a church leader( the leadership in the church should be encouraging ministry of this sort).I think what bothered me the most is the view point that so many people seem to have of single/divorced or widowed women. First of all I could never be soo heartless as to try to break up another persons marriage, second of all I am far to busy just trying to survive this little journey called single parenthood. I don't know if any of the women in my church feel threatened by me. I sure hope not, I need their support the most of all. Trust me finding a guy is the last thing on my mind, I have not so much as gone out on a date with a guy since the ex left. I am pretty insulted though at the suggestion in some of the posts that because of a single mom being soooo worn down it would make her weak, so weak that she could possibly sin. Give me a break. I have been worn down, I think that I actually fell asleep. I have put wood floors down,(on nail at a time) I have fixed my plumbing,painted, repaired rain gutters. Whatever it took. I have also at times called people to help me, they are called repair techs. Guess what I never once ended up in bed with them. There are people in my church that have helped, I did not end up in bed with them either.
Over all my church has helped a lot. I am very grateful for the people in my church. A group of young men bought me a car. My youngest son has a wonderful mentor. The youth pastor helped my son and daughter through their teenage years. My son's mentor even came out and painted the out side of my house last summer. I have been given gift cards. This morning our pastor came and gave me a gift card for $100 for Thanksgiving. There are plenty of activities for the Womens' ministry, for the youth ministry that I have been able to be a part of. My son in law served a 15 month tour in Iraq last year, people in the church even ministered to him and sent him care packages.
So to all of the people who want to make an excuse as to not to help, you might want to think about what will you tell the Lord on that day.