Love, Love, Love
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 02/14/2008 at 1:29 PM
Happy Valentine's Day! My dad called me this morning with a singing telegram (to the tune of "Happy Birthday"): "Happy Valentine's Day to you; we both [Mom and Dad] love you; Happy Valentine's Day to You-oo; we both love you." Refreshing. (Not to mention the brilliance of multiple rhyming yous.)
Speaking of love among family members, Gina at the Point brought to my attention this column, perfect for Valentine's Day. Author Jennifer Roback Morse recounts a day when she and her husband, her grandpa, uncle, birth daughter, two foster children and adopted son piled into their mini-van:
I realized that all these people were counting on my husband and I to love one another. Obviously, our kids are legitimately dependent on us. Our love for each other sustains them. We couldn't really be much help to the foster kids if we weren't able to work together as a team, for their good, as well as the good of the whole family. Without our love for each other, our middle-class lifestyle would be an empty sham, and not nearly so valuable for them.
And there was grandpa nodding off in the front seat. Because my husband and I love each other, he doesn't have to worry about us. A lot of elderly people end up taking care of their grandchildren because their adult children's marriages have collapsed, or exploded. In the back seat, my husband’s brother was tickling the nieces and nephews we provide him. Our marriage enriches him, even though he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. If we didn't love each other, my husband and I wouldn't have that van full of people who love us and count on us.
On Ungrind, Ashleigh Slater writes a great piece about loving your spouse by starving crushes:
Five years, one month, and twenty-something days ago, I walked down the aisle of a century-old church and committed to forsake all others for the man standing beside me at the altar. There, I publicly proclaimed the days of schoolgirl crushes to be behind me.
As a new bride, I determined that from then on the only man who'd make me weak in my knees was my husband. And that even on those days when I didn't swoon in his presence, my heart would still remain steadfastly faithful to him.
And for those of us who are still waiting this Valentine's Day, consider the wisdom in Frederica Matthews Green's response to a young woman praying for a spouse:
Does this young man seem like a companion for the entire life journey toward salvation? Would he help you always to put God first-would he want you to love God even more than himself? Also, take a hard look at yourself. Do you like him because of his sterling qualities, or because he makes you feel desirable (which indicates that he is stirring up vanity in you), or because you could boss him around (pride, arrogance), or because he makes a good salary (greed)? If the main thing drawing you toward this man is rooted in one of your sins, he’s not the right one.
We serve a God who is love. So whether you're single, married, loving on a family or serving others this Valentine's Day, love big. "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:12).
1. Matthew said the following at 1:48 PM on Feb 14:
Hear hear! It's good to have a thoughtful, balanced perspective on true love today, especially when you've got plenty of false ideas (or sorta-true ideas, which can often be worse) be shoveled at you by those who are making a profit off of them. I especially appreciated the good questions from Frederica Matthews Green.
2. Christina said the following at 2:27 PM on Feb 14:
Does this young man seem like a companion for the entire life journey toward salvation? Would he help you always to put God first-would he want you to love God even more than himself?
Strangely, I don't have to remind myself of this when I'm considering dating someone. This is pretty much how you would describe my "dream man". Its when I'm faced with my gut reaction to say no to a man that I start thinking about this question. Am I giving him a chance? Is he a man that upholds this? So far, more often than not, he hasn't been. It's somewhat disheartening, but reading this reaffirms that I shouldn't be saying "yes" to every man that asks...
3. Carrie (the original) said the following at 3:26 PM on Feb 14:
"Do you like him because of his sterling qualities, or because he makes you feel desirable (which indicates that he is stirring up vanity in you?"
Pardon me, but I do want someone who makes me feel desirable. How is that stirring up vanity??? If I don't feel like I'm desired, what's the point in dating him?? Any male Boundless writers -- if your wife doesn't feel desirable, isn't that an indication that you are doing something wrong??? I thought that's an indication of good Christian relationships: the woman feels desired and is reminded of Christ's desire for her despite her flaws.
That actually disturbs me greatly that a Christian would offer that as an indication of whether or not one should continue being involved with a potential suitor.
4. Becky said the following at 3:50 PM on Feb 14:
Happy Valentine's Day, my dear friend.
5. Suzanne said the following at 4:16 PM on Feb 14:
Carrie,
I had that same reaction...at first. But then I realized that what Frederica was saying was good. She's not saying that it's BAD to have a man in your life who makes you feel desirable; she's saying it's BAD to have a man in your life who stirs up vanity.
Maybe that means a woman should question her need to feel desirable above her need to be truly encouraged in her relationship with the Lord. Ultimately, your sense of desirability should be founded in Christ, since even the best husband will not be able to deliver this all the time. What do you married women think of Frederica's point? Is it fair?
6. Kathryn said the following at 4:52 PM on Feb 14:
Happy post-Valentines day! :D
This year, having been praying for contentment and what-not, I was rather content being single and totally not bitter. In fact, my housemate had her Bible study over, I cooked for them and we all had a wonderful evening!
Reading through my Livejournal friends page though, I was very surprised and taken back by the bitterness and spite that other single friends had, not just towards the day, but towards every single couple out there. So much so, that they wished all of them would split up!
It saddens me that they cannot rejoice in the incomparable love that God lavishes upon us. I think Valentines day ought to be claimed as another Christian holiday and we can all celebrate the love of God! :D (at least, all us single people can do that (^.~)
7. BDB said the following at 5:42 PM on Feb 14:
Suzanne,
Your posts are so positive, it reminds me of the advice:
"Marry a happy person."
8. Rachael said the following at 5:43 PM on Feb 14:
"Starve a crush" was interesting. Wonder if I'll ever be able to master turning off the crush or 'like-like' switch. I should 'practice' now while I'm single, but unfortunately I usually always or always 'like' or probably at least somewhat 'like' someone. It would be REALLY nice to have the talent of liking nobody in particular.
As for the Green quote in this post: "If the main thing drawing you toward this man is rooted in one of your sins, he’s not the right one."
-->That's interesting. Perhaps no one while on earth would ever be able to love a special someone perfectly selflessly, though. I think I'd always hope to 'receive' from the relationship as well and not just give or honor God. But maybe it's an over-focus that should be dealt with, and it would be good to recognize the sin if it's something overcome-able (ie. being somewhat selfish in relationships might not really be 100% conquerable while living in this life).
Like in Suzanne's follow-up comment to the vanity vs. desirable thing that "Maybe that means a woman should question her need to feel desirable above her need to be truly encouraged in her relationship with the Lord.", the issue seems to be one of where one's priorities lie. Anyway, it would be good for us to question our motives and reasons for 'like-liking' people...
9. Melissa S. said the following at 7:10 PM on Feb 14:
Suzanne-
I see what you're saying...Frederica is saying that it's bad to have a man who stirs up your vanity. Maybe it's what she meant, but that's not what she said. She equated having a man in your life who makes you feel desirable with a man who is stirring up vanity. She said that if a man makes you feel desirable it is in fact because he is stirring up vanity in you.
I could agree with Frederica, if what she was trying to get across is that it's bad to be with a man if the ONLY or MAIN reason you're with him is because he makes you feel desirable.
I get the feeling that that is more what she was trying to say but didn't.
But if you're with a man for sterling qualities and he makes you feel desirable, at least some of the time, what's wrong with that? Why should that be considered vanity, unless it's wrong for husbands/wives to know that the other person admires and desires them?
The same thing with a good salary. Sterling qualities first and then enjoy the good salary on top of it. Don't leave if the good salary is lost. But having it is not necessarily equivalent to greed.
I agree with Frederica's last sentence but feel that she could have been a bit clearer and not (apparently) assume that good things in themselves are, in fact, indicators of sin.
10. Helen said the following at 7:23 AM on Feb 15:
" If the main thing drawing you toward this man is rooted in one of your sins, he’s not the right one."
I love Boundless, I truly appreciate the Christ-centeredness that saturates each article and blog. I just want you to know this before I bring up my thoughts on this statement.
While I realize that the point of quoting Frederica Matthews Green was to encourage Christian women to focus on godly qualities rather than earthly ones when considering a man for marriage or a relationship, we must be very careful in our choice of wording or phrasing to avoid conveying the wrong message. Maybe this quote is suffering from that. If you're looking at the wrong aspects of a man, it doesn't and shouldn't automatically mean that he's not the right one. What we should do instead is ask God for clarity and the ability to instead see what his godly qualities are. It could be that they are there, and we ladies are the ones who need a heart change. It could also be that he doesn't have those qualities in which case, we need to pray for him and move on. Frederica direcly says "if the main reasons...are rooted in your sins"...but you can't jump to any conclusions regarding his suitability because you haven't dealt with your own sins. It could very well be that once you've done this, you start to appreciate him for what's truly important and a solid relationship *could* develop. Let's not confuse two separate issues here.
11. Carrie (the original) said the following at 9:24 AM on Feb 15:
I'm inclined to agree with Sarah S. . That's the most charitable interpretation one can make from that paragraph.
She should have found another way to word it though because what she said makes wanting to be desired sound like something that was not part of the original created order.
12. Al said the following at 10:32 PM on Feb 15:
Wow, only second, or maybe third guy to comment here. But when I read "do you like him because he makes you feel desirable", I had the same knee jerk reaction, supposing that the author was super-spiritualizing marriage again. But what she *actually* cautioned against was desiring the man primarily *because* he made her feel desireable.
I think her advice might be balanced or better read by also asking if her potential husband did indeed find her desireable, and to caution against marriage if the answer to that was not well in the positive. I would think one of the rewards of marriage is that a woman (and I suppose a man) did enjoy knowing that they're desired-- but that it's also firmly rooted in enjoying their partner's enjoyment in love and at least as much for their sake, rather than merely using their partner to validate their own egos.
13. Amy P. said the following at 7:08 AM on Feb 16:
With regards to the comments about "Do you like him because he makes you feel desirable", I completely agree with Al (Comment #13). When I read it, I was supposing that the phrase was meant as a warning to have more to the relationship than just "he makes me feel desirable."
I have known more than one woman who is dating a guy who has not a whole lot going for himself (no job for over a year, not a Christian, etc) but they seem to have stayed together because he makes her "feel good." In this case I would say that the motivationi on the part of the woman comes from vanity.
14. Natalie said the following at 2:13 PM on Feb 19:
Swooning in his prescence? There's a nice equal relationship for you. As for the part about him making you feel desirable-well obviously you should first and foremost love him as a person, buts what's wrong with loving the way he makes you feel? That isn't vanity.