"Love Contract" for Office Romance
by Steve Watters on 02/26/2008 at 1:25 PM
Have you ever dated a co-worker? If so, did you have to sign a "love contract"?
Earlier this month, The Christian Science Monitor reported on employers asking dating employees to sign "consensual relationship agreements."
David Ritter, a partner in employment law at Neal, Gerber & Eisenberg in Chicago explains in the article what the agreements do:
It's an acknowledgment by two people that they're in a consensual relationship, have not been forced to be in this relationship, and understand the company's policy on sexual harassment. If either one of the people in the relationship ever claims sexual harassment as a result of this, this is pretty powerful evidence.
Agreements like this are being considered by more HR departments because of the explosion of workplace dating -- according to this article "more than 40 percent of workers say they have dated a co-worker."
Challenges mentioned in the article for workplace romance included subordinates dating superiors, couples showing affection in the office or through workplace equipment and also the "teenager" aspects of workplace breakups.
While these challenges can motivate employers to require "love contracts," how do couples feel about signing such agreements? How would you feel about someone saying, "I've sure enjoyed all the time we've spent together over sushi and spreadsheets -- would you be interested in signing a consensual relationship agreement?"
1. Tom Neven said the following at 1:54 PM on Feb 26:
Hey, that looks an awful lot like Kate from "Lost"! Watch out, buddy, she's gonna love ya and leave ya!
2. Lee McKusick said the following at 2:01 PM on Feb 26:
I think this is actually a good idea. If all it is is way to say "Yeah, we know what we're doing." and to prevent a sexual harassment suit later on own the line because of it, I don't see a problem.
You have to sign a waiver before you go skydiving, right?
3. Louise said the following at 2:26 PM on Feb 26:
I would not recommend dating someone with whom you currently work.
Too many potential problems.
4. Carrie (the original) said the following at 2:52 PM on Feb 26:
Every office has a player/flirt sort of personality. This is a good thing. It would make people like that think what about they are doing (hopefully).
5. Mike Theemling said the following at 3:15 PM on Feb 26:
I personally wouldn't do it (sign a contract that is. Not saying I wouldn't date someone I work with). First of all, the more of a paper trail you leave in writing, the more likely something could haunt you later in life, even if it's taken out of context.
Secondly, what if the relationship DOESN'T work out? Then what? If it isn't a supervisor/subordinate relationship then perhaps it won't be so bad, but if it is one, things can get ugly really quickly. True, one could say that "they were dating" and show the signature, but another could feasibly argue that they "broke up" long ago and thus may be motivated by revenge to deny a promotion/etc.
"If you like him, it's flirting. If he gives you the creeps, it's sexual harassment" -Anon female worker
6. Jeremy said the following at 3:19 PM on Feb 26:
I think the contracts make people consider the commitment they are making before starting a relationship. If you have to sign your name to something, you're much more likely to put some serious thought into it.
7. Holly said the following at 3:52 PM on Feb 26:
I think it's a good idea overall, but also think that there should be some kind of a statement signed if they break up. Might as well make the whole thing official.
8. Sara said the following at 4:54 PM on Feb 26:
Mike, "If you like him, it's flirting. If he gives you the creeps, it's sexual harassment"
I'm a total feminist but I have to agree that's true... One of my Dad's friends asked me out and I was so grossed out that I yelled at my Dad about his 'disgusting dirty- old-man friends'; awhile later another one of his (very attractive)friends asked me out, and I wasn't grossed out at all, to say the least. They were just about the same age...I don't really have anything to say about that... I guess that's just the way it is. ?
Really, though, shouldn't guys know when they're being unrealistic? I mean, I would never ask out a guy who I thought was way more attractive than I was, and I would understand if they thought it was 'creepy'.
9. erin said the following at 5:01 PM on Feb 26:
I totally thought this was going to be a post about The Office because on that show one of the characters dates his boss, and they have to sign the "love contract." While it was used for comedic purposes, I do think the idea behind it is wise. Of course, I'm not so sure that dating someone you work with is an entirely good idea in the first place.
10. BDB said the following at 6:14 PM on Feb 26:
Sara (#8) wrote:
>>Really, though, shouldn't guys know when they're being unrealistic? <<
I don't even know where to begin responding to that question...
But if you're a supervisor, never, ever, ever date someone on your staff. That's really breaking the law - you will lose in court even if it was consensual. If you're male, you an be fired even if your intended doesn't file a complaint - other people on staff can file a complaint if it makes them feel (even falsely) that the only way to get ahead is to give you favors. It will destroy morale on your team...bad, bad, idea; the mark of an inexperienced supervisor. That's a million dollar landmine.
Yes, I've seen people fired for this. Very unpleasant to be nearby.
11. Kelly said the following at 10:01 PM on Feb 26:
I find the whole concept, being asked to sign something, is ridiculous. But that's what you get in a litigation-obsessed society. :(
12. Christina said the following at 10:16 PM on Feb 26:
I agree with Kelly.
And I find the idea of being barred from dating co-worker unrealistic as the vast majority of our time is with them as it is. Best way to cultivate a relationship is spending time with them...
I really don't think supervisors dating subordinates should be taken to such extremes, but i do agree it is wise to be careful.
13. Suzanne said the following at 12:06 AM on Feb 27:
Ugh. Why can't we all just be adults about this?
We've had so many discussions on The Line about how nerve-wracking it can be for guys to ask a girl out, and we talk about trying to make dating more common among Christians. But how is the Love Contract going to help? If you want to get to know someone better by dating them, and first have to sit down to talk about and sign a form, how likely is it that you'll actually go out with them?
And is the contract only to be signed once you're officially dating? Like the boyfriend/girlfriend talk? What if you go out for coffee and then realize it's not happening? Do you still need to fill that out? What about group dates?
So I repeat my initial response: Ugh. If you like someone, go out. If not, be polite but firm. But let's stop slapping sexual harassment labels on everything and complicating our love lives more than they already are!
14. rivergreg said the following at 12:22 AM on Feb 27:
Sara said:
In short - whether they should know or not is a big question. But in general, they can't know.
I once heard a talk by a man I deeply respect, where he claimed that, generally speaking, men lack the ability to compare themselves to other men regarding how attractive they are to women. Men may compare themselves on objective metrics like height or whatnot, but generally speaking, men are fairly blind to what "handsome" means. Of course, I'd surmise that once a guy gets enough of those "I'm grossed out" reactions that you mention, he may start to get the point...
15. Shannon Anna said the following at 7:34 AM on Feb 27:
There's something inherently creepy about the contract thing to me, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it might be that I don't think supervisors should be proactively involved in office romances, managing paperwork when their employee starting dating or break up. While it is often necessary for supervisors to get involved reactively, when and if problems arise from relationships, I'm uncomfortable with the paper trail and intrusion into personal lives that a "love contract."
Additionally, if there's this huge explosion of office dating happening, wouldn't managing "love contracts" become a large enough task that it would detract from the actual work being done and decrease company efficiency? I suppose one could argue that it could increase efficiency by preventing issues that could arise from office romance problems, but I don't think a piece of paper would really change the problem behaviors (i.e., minimizing or eliminating the teenage-ish responses to break-ups). Are people really going to act more maturely and work-appropriately while they're dating and after they break up because they signed something? I doubt it.
I do agree that there should be policies about superiors and subordinates dating, either just that it's prohibited or, in a large enough company in which the subordinate could report to a different supervisor, that the management structure/hierarchy should be adjusted if the type of relationship develops.
In response to your first two questions, I haven't ever dated a co-worker, and since I'm married, that won't be a situation I'll encounter! That said, I wouldn't have been opposed to dating a co-worker; for those of you in the workforce, you probably spend more time with your co-workers than anyone else (and, from a Christian perspective, have the opportunity to observe whether or not Christian co-workers conduct themselves with integrity and put their faith into practice in a work environment), so it makes sense to me that people are dating co-workers.
16. Sheri said the following at 10:18 AM on Feb 27:
I agree with Kelly. It's rediculous. I dated a guy I worked with and we never had to sign a contract. How on earth would your boss even know if the two of you were dating anyway? I don't think that is neccessarily their business.
17. Sheri said the following at 10:23 AM on Feb 27:
I had an additional comment about being a supervisor and dating someone you work with. What happens when you are both co-workers and then one of you gets promoted?
This actually happened to me and honestly the only real problem with it was that I did not talk to my partner about it and it became part of what messed up our relationship. So, you just need to be careful about it.
18. Sara said the following at 2:11 PM on Feb 27:
About my [embarrassingly immature] "shouldn't guys just know" question, we might as well default to an evolutionary explanation, you know, men have nothing to lose in trying to get with as many women as possible, whereas women have to be more discriminating because they have a bigger investment in reproduction. A bit tedious, but it sounds right.
19. em said the following at 3:15 PM on Feb 27:
Such a contract is a good way to protect all parties involved. Banning office romance is just unrealistic, especially when the office is a huge part of the average single adult's social circle. It's actually pretty normal for a boss and subordinate attractions to develop and, between singles, that's cool as long as it is mutual. The rule is that both people have to recognize the risk and respond immediately and without prejudice if one person puts the breaks on. That may be asking a lot but it's not asking more than to demand that workplace relationships never occur.
20. rivergreg said the following at 7:13 PM on Feb 27:
Sara said:
Ugh. Okay so I just had to respond to this one. :) I for one really dislike evolutionary psychology partly because it assumes the absence of a created soul/spirit (but, because there are enough degrees of freedom in psychological explanations in general, one can probably construct a theory around evolutionary psychology which seems halfway coherent but still misses the mark).
Ironically, the "evolutionary explanation" given here doesn't explain the evidence - it may lead one to believe that men are more willing to indiscriminately run around, but the consideration here was not men's impressions of women (in that case the evidence seems to be that men are quite discriminating), but men's lack of self-awareness of degree-of-handsomeness.
21. Leah said the following at 9:57 PM on Feb 27:
I don't think it's a problem at all. It's not like it's your partner asking you to sign some type of contract to cement your relationship- it's an employer getting the two of you to sign it so that neither of you can file suits against him/her should you ever try to (re: sexual harrassment in the workplace).
It's not out to prevent problems or anything. It's just the employer saying "hey, I'm fine with you two dating, but don't come suing me if things sour between you". I think it's a good idea, actually. Can't say I blame the employers using it, anyway.
22. jayme said the following at 7:45 AM on Feb 28:
We have this. The problem I see is that no one is willing to go public with their relationship until they're serious. You have 1 date and now you have to sign a piece of paper with your office?
And how much of a co-worker do they have to be? Same department? Same division? Just the same company?
23. Sara said the following at 4:57 PM on Feb 28:
rivergreg: no, it still follows: the more attractive you think you are, the more confident you'll be to 'run around'.
24. BDB said the following at 12:08 PM on Feb 29:
Sara (#18) wrote:
>>About my [embarrassingly immature] "shouldn't guys just know" question, we might as well default to an evolutionary explanation,<<
Even if you accept evolution, think a few years down the road. A woman who gets breast cancer might need a mastectomy as treatment. Would the best choice for survival be for women to focus on men who only see physical beauty? What happens to them when beauty fades? Do women make the best choice by chosing men who will swap them out for a younger, prettier model? Evolutionary theory argues pretty strongly for parents who can provide for offspring...
25. Marc said the following at 6:04 PM on Feb 29:
I once went on a date with a co-worker (we were both student workers at our college) and, thank God, there were no "love contracts".
The workplace - even the Christian workplace - has become too politically correct and this "contract" does NOT help whatsoever.
26. Erin said the following at 6:36 PM on Mar 2:
The ultimate cure for prevention of sexual harassment in the workplace is not a mere contract...
These are essentially broken-down, fallen relationships that need to be fixed by lives changed and lived for Jesus.
If you want to prevent lawsuits of sexual harassment, I say, pray for discernment, date for marriage, model Ephesians 5. The only way to do it! :)