I Hate Adoption
by
Ted Slater
on Feb 20, 2008 at 4:27 PM
OK, I should really be more clear here. It's not adoption that I hate -- I absolutely love adoption itself -- it's the process that I hate.
Several friends have been in "the process" of adopting children for over a year, some for over three years. They've gone through the applications and home studies and money games ... and now they wait. And wait. Some have made multiple overseas trips to visit the children they're scheduled to adopt, and the children ask when they can go home with them. It's really heartbreaking.
Meanwhile, the bureaucrats and lawyers drag things to a near-halt. They want more money. They want more paperwork. And because of backlogs, corruption and inefficiencies, that paperwork doesn't get processed in a timely manner. They need special permission to get this done. They need another application to get that done. And then they need more money to process that paperwork.
My wife and I would love to adopt a baby. But it's disheartening to hear the horror stories -- $10,000 to $20,000 of palm-greasing and bureaucracy and travel expenses, and finalizing the adoption gets pushed out another two months. Four months. Six months. An insecure bureaucrat plays power games, and the Russian adoption falls through. Let's adopt from Liberia. OK, for whatever reason, that just fell through. How about China or Uganda? Nope, they just imposed new adoption policies that make it all but impossible. Let's try Haiti. All right, they now need a "presidential pardon" in order to allow the kids to join their adoptive parents (seriously -- a "presidential pardon").
My prayer is that this process be streamlined to favor decent people who want to adopt and who want to be adopted. And that greed and the lust for power become institutionally prohibited.
1. Kate had the following to say on Feb 20 at 4:51 PM:
All the expense and paperwork is terrible. One would think that the governments would want to encourage people to adopt.
On a side note, Ted mentioned lots of overseas countries as adoption possibilities, but there are so many children here still waiting for forever-families--namely, black children right here in the US. Both of my little brothers (one black, one bi-racial) are adopted, and our longest wait was three months. Other couples I know who have adopted black children also had relatively short waits.
It's just something to keep in mind, as I think many people forget about the children here on our shores that still need families.
2. Miah had the following to say on Feb 20 at 5:00 PM:
I agree with you completely! The adoption process is such a lengthy, expensive roller-coaster that it scares many families away. There are many children who need places to live, families to love them and a healthy environment in which to grow up, but sadly, they are prohibited from this because someone didn't sign on the dotted line where they were supposed to, or because the organization has not been able to gain government approval. It is disheartening to be a family who wants to adopt, only to discover that adopting a child might never happen, simply because of financial or paperwork restrictions.
3. Jeff had the following to say on Feb 20 at 5:33 PM:
Maybe there's a child in the States who needs you. But if God is calling you to look internationally, let me encourage you as you traverse that difficult road.
4. Matt had the following to say on Feb 20 at 5:43 PM:
I believe that if you adopt locally in the US it is alot easier.
Look at a ministry like Project 1:27 in the Colorado area.
http://www.project127.com/index.htm
5. Jessica had the following to say on Feb 20 at 5:46 PM:
Ted, given the recent turmoil on "The Adoption Thread" you are very daring to post a topic with such a title. :-)
It is true though. For something that is so badly 'needed,' they don't make it easy! It's sad too, because so many couples who would make great parents are left without hope because of all of the money and red tape.
6. Hannah had the following to say on Feb 20 at 6:06 PM:
Hmmm. . . So true!
Within a month or two of my birth, I was placed with the family that ended up adopting me. Due to all the bureaucracy, however, my adoption wasn't finalization until almost SIX years after I was placed with my family.
And I wasn't even an international adoption. . .
7. Jennifer E. Jones had the following to say on Feb 20 at 6:07 PM:
I agree. I was amazed at the hurdles a good, stable couple has to go through to adopt a child. What's wrong with this country when it's easier to get a semi-automatic weapon than it is to welcome an orphan into your home?
8. Andrew R. (aka Canadian Boy) had the following to say on Feb 20 at 6:26 PM:
Yeah, it's pretty horrible, especially considering how many children in this world are waiting to be adopted. And the thing is, a couple can wait. They'll still be able to eat healthy food and live in a comfortable house and have access to medicine, clean water, etc. But the kids... they're waiting in the worst of conditions.
It's sad that people are willing to gain power and money through the use of children.
9. Justin T. had the following to say on Feb 20 at 7:00 PM:
I've honestly never understood why adopting overseas is an attractive option. To my knowledge, there are plenty of adoptable kids right here in the U.S. They need homes as much as the kids in Russia or China or wherever else. Why spend thousands upon thousands of dollars and multiple years trying to adopt from overseas when a domestic adoption is also an option? Yes, I realize that domestic adoptions cost money and time as well.
I just don't understand the reasoning behind choosing a child from overseas as opposed to a child from here. Is there a specific reason?
10. J. had the following to say on Feb 20 at 7:16 PM:
Ted, you should have entitled your article, "I Hate INTERNATIONAL Adoption." The process here in the US is generally above board, not to mention cheaper. The distinction needs to be made.
11. Amir Larijani had the following to say on Feb 20 at 7:37 PM:
I hear you on the adoption angle. I used to work with a maternity home, and some of our clients would place for adoption through a reputable "Christian" adoption service.
Still, even with them, a couple seeking to adopt was going through a boatload of expenses and red tape. Unless you have the bucks, you can't adopt.
The worst thing I saw, though, was during my days as a crisis pregnancy center counselor. I had an abortion-minded client come in, and her pregnancy test turned up positive. She was dead-set about having the abortion.
My next clients? A married couple, dirt-poor, wanting to have a baby and had been trying for years with no success, coming in for the free pregnancy test. And testing negative.
Seeing their sadness, against the backdrop of the callousness of the client that had preceded them, made me want to kick in a few doors.
Those types of experiences add to one's gray hair count.
12. Ruth had the following to say on Feb 20 at 8:32 PM:
An Honest Question:
What about adopting locally, from one's own country?
I've heard that a few reasons people don't want to adopt from their own country are because:
-it's harder to get an infant here
-the child may eventually want to be reunited with their birth parents
-it takes long
And then the ubiquitous: children from other countries are more disadvantaged and have less opportunity than foster kids here (which is true under most circumstances).
But isn't it cheaper and isn't it relatively less of a hassle?
13. Brian Popp had the following to say on Feb 20 at 8:42 PM:
Adopt through the state! There are TONS of kids right here in our country that your state government will subsidize you to take! It just makes me sick sometimes! The reason we should adopt is because Jesus calls us to care for the "least of these", not just a pretty baby from another country who looks like us and doesn't come with any baggage.
/soapbox
14. anu had the following to say on Feb 20 at 8:52 PM:
I don't know that much about adoption (i'm only 19) but what about domestic infant adoption? Wouldn't that be a little easier, especially for a decent family? And if you're looking to adopt transracially (which it seems like), I read that the "waiting time" is not very long. I also read a while back that some African-American mothers who choose to give their newborns up for adoption send them immediately to adoption agencies in Europe because demand here is so low, and they don't want their kid growing up in the foster care system. I'll try to find the link, its very interesting!
15. S had the following to say on Feb 20 at 8:55 PM:
How about adopting a kid from the good old U.S. of A.?
16. erin had the following to say on Feb 20 at 9:05 PM:
I completely agree. My pastor and his wife are trying to adopt a girl from Guatemala--a girl they've met several times and have visited--and it's such a lengthy process. It's heartbreaking to see my pastor on the verge of tears because he just wants to bring her "home." It sickens me to think of how many more children could be in loving homes TODAY if the process weren't so difficult. Obviously, they can't just give kids away to whomever happens to walk by, but it also shouldn't be as hard as it is.
17. Ted Slater had the following to say on Feb 20 at 9:34 PM:
Adopting children from right here in the States is a wonderful thing. I emphatically advocate it. It indeed *can* be less expensive for adoptive parents and take less time to complete the adoption than international adoption. There are a *lot* of orphans who need the love of parents.
I've considered my family situation, and decided not to adopt anyone older than my youngest child. I feel it would confuse the family makeup to mix up the birth order. I have a heart for bringing orphans into my family, but not at the expense of my current family.
That means that we wouldn't be able to adopt anyone younger than 2 years old. Well, the truth is that right now we probably aren't able to adopt anyone right now -- our "youngest" is expected in mid-July.
I have looked to adopt State-side, specifically targeting Colorado. There's just nobody that we're able to adopt that fits our "requirements." Maybe some day!
FWIW, my church is a partner with project127.com -- the last one on the "church partners" page....
Again, I do want to affirm those who adopt State-side. It is a fabulous option! There are so many kids who can be lovely children for some blessed couple.
18. BDB had the following to say on Feb 20 at 9:59 PM:
Kate (#1) is right - adopting a multi-racial child is often much faster in the U.S. It could also be easier to complete an adoption through a private attorney.
One thing to keep in mind - it may not be a teenager. My sister adopted from a birth mother in her 30's who was about ready to go back to college after raising her first daughter. That might be an easier process.
There's always a risk of people changing their mind. But from what I've seen, even international adoptions might result in the adoptees wanting to find their roots - don't assume that only happens with U.S. adoptions.
19. DannieA had the following to say on Feb 21 at 12:15 AM:
from what I hear...I have 2 friends who have adopted...one fairly easy, another one it took longer..., and three other families I know did international.
The reason I'm not too happy with international adoptions from my vantage point is that the three families I know who have adopted internationally...have wanted to do so in order to get an infant and/or to ensure less of a probability of acquiring a special needs child.
Obviously, as a person who works with special needs children (speech therapist) I have issues with that point of view.
The other two people I know who have adopted through the state (one adopted 3, my other friend has adopted one) have ended up with kids needing IEPs and Special Ed. help in the schools, however, they are loved and are leading typical lives.
So from what I know, I admire my friends who adopted through the US rather than internationally.
Not to say that this is the case with all people looking to adopt so I am saddened to hear about such troubles in adoption, I'd just like for each person if they are thinking about adopting...do it for the right reason...not because you will get the 'perfect' child, or not because you want to shop around making sure you get the one without special needs etc.
20. Philippa had the following to say on Feb 21 at 3:56 AM:
In reply to Ruth:
I've heard that a few reasons people don't want to adopt from their own country are because:
-it's harder to get an infant here
-the child may eventually want to be reunited with their birth parents
Many adoptees do wish to be reunited with their birth parents, or at least to trace them and find out more about their origins. It's a fundamental human drive.
I was adopted as a baby and eventually traced my birth mother when I was in my mid-thirties. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. She was happy to be found!
And I have a wonderful relationship with my adoptive parents. I am a role model for a 'happy adoptee'. :)
People who wish to adopt must be open to the notion that their adopted children will very likely wish to trace their birth parents. Adoption in the UK is a much more open process than it was when I was a child, and rightly so.
I also feel very strongly that in the case of international adoptions, the adopted child must not lose links with his/her country of birth, and that the adopting parents must find out as much as they can about the birth parents, and - where possible - allow their adopted child both access and contact with their birth parents.
I find the whole issue of international adoption to be an ethical minefield. It goes without saying that I believe prospective adopters MUST go through legitimate agencies.
Ted said:
I've considered my family situation, and decided not to adopt anyone older than my youngest child. I feel it would confuse the family makeup to mix up the birth order. I have a heart for bringing orphans into my family, but not at the expense of my current family.
This is a very natural response, and an understandable and even wise one: you don't want to make your natural children feel insecure. Of course not. What loving parent would? :)
All the same: it underlines to me that a 'foundling' adopted by a family may not be embraced completely as a member of that family.
A person wanting to adopt must be prepared to embrace that child as one of their own, without reservations.
This is complex because there are huge problems with adopting older children: these kids will have already experienced the primal wounding of separation from their birth mother, with probably multiple rejections on top. The emotional damage is huge and must not be underestimated. It is not easy for adoptive parents to take that on.
As someone adopted in infancy, I was spared that degree of trauma.
21. H.A.P. had the following to say on Feb 21 at 4:32 AM:
I'm sorry to say in some states in the good ole' USA adoption isn't as easy as some of the comments have made it sound. In my rural home state unless you are picked by a birth mother(very rare), an infant in foster care is nearly always drug addicted etc... My family fostered for a while and in our state it seems the biological parents have no pressure to surrender their parental rights therefore making the child adoptable... even after years of abuse, neglect, second, third, and forth chances. Nearly all the adoptable children in foster care in our area were 10+. It is incredibly frustrating to see children sent back into horrid situations over and over when a solid Christian family is trying desperately to keep them. I give my heart felt congratulations to anyone who (with the Lord's help) can stick it out and adopt a child where ever they are from! Okay, that is my rant for the day. :)
22. Louise had the following to say on Feb 21 at 6:34 AM:
Good luck with your adoption plans, Mr. Slater.
Remember, you should do what you and your wife feel is best for your family situation.
My former sister-in-law (one of them anyway) and her husband had a family of three birth children and two children adopted from China.
From what I saw of the family, it worked quite well for them.
:)
23. BeccaM had the following to say on Feb 21 at 6:49 AM:
I thought the reason that people started adopting more overseas was because it was an easier process than adopting here. I'm not sure why or reasoning but maybe cheaper/less red tape/easier process?
Also I think some people try to adopt from certain countries who are killing infants because of the infant's gender or the culture's religious beliefs. It would be helpful to know some of the statistics and numbers comparing the US with other countries.
But I know that there is a need for both domestic and international adoptions. We always need to trust in God's timing and learn to rely more on Him.
24. Esther had the following to say on Feb 21 at 6:57 AM:
Please don't be discouraged. I have recently been very encouraged to pray with more faith because I've seen adoptions go so quickly. One family I know of is adopting from Ethipoia and I've been in complete awe of how fast the process has gone and how they have managed to pay for the adoption without going into debt (thanks to generous donations from their friends and church).
I know that this isn't always the case, but I don't think it's as rare as you think. And to see the Lord answer their very specific prayers has me singing the praises of a God who loves to give us the desires of our hearts. Keep praying!
25. Eliza had the following to say on Feb 21 at 7:25 AM:
I here all of your well-meaning comments against red tape and bureaucracy and expense for international adoptions, but there are reasons for these things. It's not that countries do not want their orphans to go to (relatively) rich, healthy western families. It is that in poor countries with a history of corruption (especially Romania and Guatemala, I've heard) there was beginning to be a rampant practice of 1) baby selling and 2) kidnapping children in order to "sell" them to be adopted.
The thought of adopting disadvantaged international orphaned children is nice, but it is just not that simple, practically, ethically, and morally.
The Journal of Foreign Affairs has a good article on this called The Baby Trade.
26. mindlab had the following to say on Feb 21 at 7:30 AM:
"And that greed and the lust for power become institutionally prohibited."
uh, Ted, you realize that you just wished for the end of human government, right? While we're at it, lets add pride to the list; after all, that's what motivates bureaucrats in the first place. "How dare you insinuate that (insert 3rd world country where 1/2 of the children starve to death) is so bad off that we should let you take them!"
I agree, it's shameful, but don't expect a change until the 1000 year reign of Christ (Rev. 20). Until then, keep the grease handy (Prov. 21:14)
27. Laura-MH had the following to say on Feb 21 at 8:21 AM:
Ted, why would it confuse the family makeup to mix up the birth order?
(I'm not challenging you, BTW, but as an adoptee myself with a sibling who is also adopted, I'm just curious....I guess I never thought about it.)
28. Jean had the following to say on Feb 21 at 9:33 AM:
I was adopted when i was four. I think that the most hurtful thing is to think that the reason most people dont adopt state side is because they want an infant. What about all the older kids that as a result of being tied up in the system are not eligible for adoption until they are older. They need a secure home just as much as any infant does.
29. Jason Kovacs had the following to say on Feb 21 at 10:56 AM:
Ted, thanks for the honest post and bringing light to adoption and the struggles that so many face.
On the financial side I want to mention the ministry I work for called The ABBA Fund (www.abbafund.org). We seek to break down the financial obstacles to adoption by giving interest-free loans to Christian couples. We also help churches establish adoption funds so that adoption support can take place on the local church level.
This is one piece of making adoption a little easier for couples but I agree and pray too that it should be much more streamlined. I'd love to be a resource to anyone with questions about trusting God for the financial piece. Feel free to shoot me an email at jason [at] abbafund [dot] org
30. Erin had the following to say on Feb 21 at 11:47 AM:
I am currently going through the adoption process, and here are a couple of reasons we're thinking of going internationally instead of domestic:
1. It's much more structured and has clearer timeline.
2. I am creeped out by the idea of creating what is essentialy a "personals ad" and marketing my self to birthmoms.
3. According to our agency--a very reputable one in Chicago--about a third of birthmoms, after meeting & connecting with the prospective adoptees, choose to parent. So, you meet the birthparents, bond with them, maybe attend the delivery even--then they change their minds.
4. Not everyone is comfortable with an open adoption, which is the only kind of adoption our agency does domestically.
Having said all that, I would still probably do it myself, but can't talk my husband into it.
31. BDB had the following to say on Feb 21 at 1:12 PM:
What H.A.P. wrote (#21) is an excellent example of why adopting children out of foster care is so hard. Many of the children are in foster care because their parents are abusive, drug-addicted and unable to care for the children, etc. If you've ever been around a substance abuser, you know that they go through cycles - they can seem fine for a while, then the relapse and disappear, then their fine again...that kind of roller-coaster really impacts a child's sense of security.
I read a study once that surprised me because it showed that children who lost a parent to death had many fewer behavioral problems than children of divorce. But it some ways it makes sense: a parent who is hit by a truck didn't choose to abandon their child in favor of a girlfriend, or drugs, or something else.
I do have friends who adopted from Russia two girls who were a little older. They have no memories of their parents. Because they are from the Asian part of Russia, they assumed they were sisters, but now that they are older, the don't look as much alike. Some days, things, go great. Unfortunately, when children are angry, they can say hurtful things - such as, "You're not my real father." Hopefully as they get older they will come to appreciate what a gift they were given.
At the time, it was costing about $40,000 to adopt from Russia. There were quite a few fees and other payments required to a bewildering array of bureaucracies. It was a method of bringing hard currency into the country. As Eliza wrote (#25), the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.
32. Elizabeth H. had the following to say on Feb 21 at 1:34 PM:
It's all worth it. I don't mean the trials end after all the paperwork gets finished. But the child whom you are fighting for is worth it.
Many Russian orphanages have okay conditions, but in the end many graduates end up as prostitutes or drug addicts, and still others commit suicide before age 30. Adoption is literally saving a life.
Not all laws are bad, some are meant to protect children. Unfortunately, people with good motives get penalized.
I have two adopted sisters from Russia. They were teenagers when they were adopted, and between the ages of my younger brothers. I guess it "disrupted" the birth order! But we loved them before we thought about their ages.
Now one sister is a single mother and the other has been in jail for a DUI and drug use. It's not the ideal life, but they have a family. And we have hope that they will turn to the Lord.
There is a need for international adoption, but another way to serve is to support foreign nationals who would like to adopt. That way the children will have a family, but will remain in their native culture, and will not have to be involved in an international battle. I've written about this on my blog a few times.
33. P&P had the following to say on Feb 21 at 1:55 PM:
An argument I've heard against international adoption has come from people within the countries that allow international adoptions.
One of the most compelling reasons I've heard against international adoption is that if there were resources within the country (food, economic stability, medical care, birth control, educational opportunities, etc) there would be fewer children abandoned in orphanages. Rather than spending thousands of dollars, that money could be channeled into building hospitals and schools, which would bring up the country as a whole, rather than a single child.
That isn't to say that international adoption isn't a noble pursuit, however I've always felt that with all the children in domestic foster care programs who are in desperate need of a loving home, one should look beyond the adorable toddler on a web site and work with a local agency that would love to place an older or "less than perfect" child in a loving family.
34. Lauren T. had the following to say on Feb 21 at 2:06 PM:
To me, the barrier to adopting in the states is our out-of-control "child protective" agencies.
I will do whatever it takes to stay out of their files, out of their sight, and out of their minds.
An international adoption provides that option. It would allow me to homeschool my child, train them according to MY beliefs, and not live in fear that my caseworker might decide to take my child away for some odd reason one day.
Too many horror stories have hit too close to home for me...
35. Patricia had the following to say on Feb 21 at 4:54 PM:
Phillipa-thanks for your perspective. My older sister was adopted as an infant from South Korea. I agree that international adoption is a minefield because of the political and ethical issues involved. Most US citizens who try to adopt internationally are well-intentioned but oblivious to the very real political issues this topic raises. In South Korea, the number of babies sent out is a source of national shame. I think, too, countries are very worried about the possibility of sending abroad the country citizens of their country. That's why today in S. Korea it's far more difficult to adopt than it was during the 1980s, when adoptions from the country peaked. Additionally, most parents of adoptees should try to be prepared for cultural issues that arise. Often adoptees feel they are not quite white or Asian. I'm not against international adoption entirely, but I believe domestic options are better for these reasons.
36. Holland had the following to say on Feb 21 at 5:43 PM:
I adopted through the state. It was a grueling process in some ways but well worth it in the end. Lots of kids are available, some with an alphabet soup of diagnoses yes, but many who are really wanting to be part of a family. Best of luck on your search.
37. Joy F had the following to say on Feb 21 at 6:56 PM:
Our daughter joined our family through domestic adoption as an 11 day old infant. She is African American and we are Caucasian, and our family has become a visible testimony of the miracle of transracial adoption. Our adoption situation was very quick: less than four months from start of paperwork until she was in our arms - there is a tremendous need for Christian families to adopt African American and mixed race babies. And I never felt as though we were marketing ourselves. In fact, many women carrying minority babies don't even have more than one family to select from. And even for those who do, I feel that as they are making this brave and heart-wrenching decision to choose adoption that they should have an opportunity to also choose the family for their child. Our adoption is technically "closed" but we regularly send photos, updates, and handwritten letters to the birthmother via the agency - and we feel honored to be able to tell her how her decision has forever blessed us.
38. Jethro had the following to say on Feb 21 at 7:38 PM:
Ted,
I'm honestly curious, why do you feel that adopting a child older than your youngest would not be good for your family? At some point in the future my wife and I may consider adoption, so I'm interested in your perspective.
39. Sarah had the following to say on Feb 22 at 6:06 AM:
My husband and I, who have just started our family, are hoping to foster or possibly adopt several children in the future. Somebody else mentioned that they were going to adopt children younger than their youngest so that they didn't disrupt the birth order. We want to have several children biologically first, and then when our children are a bit older, like young teens, then foster or adopt several children, perhaps siblings, who are around that age.
Our thought is that, knowing that a lot of kids in foster care at that age can have discipline problems and emotional problems, having older kids who are models, in a way, might help. And we wouldn't want adopted/foster kids feel like we just took them to be free babysitters to our young children, either.
At the moment, even if we did reconsider this plan, we couldn't possibly take an older child, as our baby has a tiny room that doesn't have room for another bed.
40. Shannon Anna had the following to say on Feb 25 at 12:59 PM:
Wow, Sarah, it sounds like you could have been describing our plans when you described what you and your husband plan to do!
I think everyone has brought up some good points, but I just want to throw this out there: Scripture calls us to care for orphans. Not just domestic orphans, not just international orphans ... just orphans. For some families, they might feel led to adopt in the US; for others, perhaps from another country. Whether a family adopts domestically or internationally, they are still heeding God's call to us in His Word.
So that said, I don't think it's our place to recommend one way or another. Each has difficulties, so how about we encourage those seeking to adopt as they care for orphans in the way they feel is best?
41. Aaron had the following to say on Feb 25 at 8:01 PM:
I'm working on a haitian adoption right now and the paperwork is on the presidents desk awaiting his "pardon". I wonder how long it takes after that?
42. Donna Carrick had the following to say on Mar 3 at 9:12 AM:
Hi, Ted,
Yes, I agree with you about the discouraging aspect of burocracy involved in the process. However, I can honestly say that, much like the labour pains I went through in delivering our 2 biological sons, the pain and anxiety of the adoption process was 100% worth it once we arrived home with our beautiful daughter. She completes our family in a way that I can't even describe. There was life before her, and now there is life after her. There is no comparison.
Loving families out there, do not lose heart. Your child is waiting for you.