Evidence Supports Personal Introductions by Candice Watters on Feb 1, 2008 at 11:15 AM

For those of you who were wondering if my statement that "The happiest matches are still those that began with an introduction by someone the couple knew, who also knew them," was just my experience or empirically supported, here's the source:

The most likely way to find a future marriage partner is through an introduction by family, friends, or acquaintances. Despite the romantic notion that people meet and fall in love through chance or fate, the evidence suggests that social networks [the old fashioned kind] are important in bringing together individuals of similar interests and backgrounds, especially when it comes to selecting a marriage partner. According to a large-scale national survey of sexuality, almost 60 percent of married people were introduced by family, friends, co-workers or other acquaintances.

Want to dig into the findings a little deeper? The survey, "Ten Important Research Findings on Marriage and Choosing a Marriage Partner," was conducted by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. You can read it here.

Comments

[1. a sassy sister had the following to say on Feb 1 at 11:45 AM:]

1

Are these the same authors' research you used for Help Get Married?

[2. Mark had the following to say on Feb 1 at 11:53 AM:]

2

Candice,

I'm not questioning the results of Popenoe and Whitehead and the sources cited within, but I'm not sure that their findings can be placed in the context of online dating. The research that you've referenced was taken from a 1994 study (assuming that item #2 is the appropriate source in the article to which you referred.)I don't think that online dating quite had its comeuppance at that time. If that study was updated, the results might be different. Maybe not that much different, but at least they would reflect the influence of online dating.

Overall, the findings are definitely worth considering.

Mark

[3. Josh had the following to say on Feb 1 at 1:07 PM:]

3

So more than 40% didn't meet that way? Not entirely overwhelming...

[4. Elizabeth had the following to say on Feb 1 at 1:36 PM:]

4

I totally agree with the above. I'm dating someone who I met through a friend. He's Godly, funny and has similar likes and dislikes as me. We both have hearts for missions and serving the poor. We both love to laugh and play jokes. We're not big bar people or partiers. Once I started hanging around with people who had the same faith walk as me, God opened the door to a much bigger network. Then I found myself hanging out in groups of Godly men and women. One day, on a group outing, I got talking to a really neat guy, who was only there because he knew my friend. Over time, we hung out with common friends and then later he started pursuing me. Yes, at this point we're still dating. But, we both feel that if God allows it, we'll marry. I'd encourage people to get involved in activities at church that you really enjoy. You never know what could happen...

[5. Jake had the following to say on Feb 1 at 1:56 PM:]

5

I agree with this finding. I also think it's the best way to break the ice with someone you don't know. It would be a good practice for more churches to teach their parishioners how to propperly introduce themselves and other people. It sounds like a simple thing, but too many people do it poorly.

[6. Louise had the following to say on Feb 1 at 2:00 PM:]

6

Yup, you sure can read it here folks.

And the first point sure is interesting:

"People who marry in their teens are two to three times more likely to divorce than people who marry in their twenties or older."

[7. jess had the following to say on Feb 1 at 3:00 PM:]

7

Are we really surprised that 60% of married people were introduced by family, friends or aquaintances? To me it actually seems rather low. But it'd probably be more useful to know how that percentage has changed in the past 20 years or so, especially since the internet, and in particular online dating, is a rather new phenomenon. I dunno, I think there are a lot of good aspects to meeting people online. Among them are:

-easier to hold firm on belief standards when the person isn't there to sway you...just annoying emails to delete.
-able to judge a person on their conversation as opposed to looks, other less important factors.
-less tempting physically.

Of course there are negative aspects too. It probably wouldn't be my first choice pool of potential mates, because I like the face-to-face interaction, but I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with online dating sites. I met my current boyfriend two years ago at a dinner party my roommates and I threw for some friends and friends of friends, but most of our initial conversations were through email, and it was kind of nice getting to know each other that way. Plus, as a lot of people commented on your original article, sometimes people really are doing everything to get out there and meet people, by talking to dating friends, getting involved with their church, and still nothing. Online dating is just another scene to explore. Sure it comes with a different set of advantages and risks, but it's still valid.

[8. Joy had the following to say on Feb 1 at 5:11 PM:]

8

I've found my friends and family to be less-than-helpful in this area. What should we do if we don't have friends and family willing to play matchmaker?

[9. Nathan had the following to say on Feb 1 at 5:57 PM:]

9

Joy, I don't think friends and family really need to matchmake. I think it's more just being introduced and what you do from then on that matters. A friend of a friend opens up doors, otherwise I would just be some random stranger hitting on you. At least friends give a point of reference/association.

[10. Kelly had the following to say on Feb 1 at 7:20 PM:]

10

Interesting research. What saddened me is that it seemed to miss a lot of what cohabitation does to a couple in terms of committment. (i.e. A couple moving in together will not see that committment anywhere near as strong as a marriage committment and at the first sign of trouble, often falls apart.)

Another Christian friend of mine has just succumbed and moved in with her boyfriend. It breaks my heart and it breaks her heart a little too: she loves this man but he has told her that he won't marry her unless they try living together first.

She's 35 and so I can understand her reasoning, this is the first man who's ever been committed to her on that level. She doesn't think she'll find anyone else.

Women are compromising all over the place on the promise of love because we want marriage so desperately.

[11. Kellie had the following to say on Feb 1 at 7:21 PM:]

11

Well, it doesn't actually say that the happiest matches are produced by introductions by family and friends, but that the way most married couples meet by those introductions. Good to know my marriage can still be happy, even if the internet brought us together. :-)

[12. Stanhope had the following to say on Feb 1 at 8:00 PM:]

12

Even if the Popenoe statistic on introductions is true, it doesn't support Candice's claim about happiness. Telling us how spouses were introduced tells us nothing about how happy they are.

[13. Don had the following to say on Feb 2 at 12:56 AM:]

13

Kelly,

I would recommend the book "The Broken Hearth" by William J. Bennett. I read it in my Marriage and the Family course a couple of years ago. It has research about all the different things that are causing the deterioration of marriage in our society, and cohabitation is one of them.

Don

[14. Amy P. had the following to say on Feb 2 at 7:14 AM:]

14

Kelly - I understand your comment about Christian friends who are co-habing breaking your heart. I too am in the same situation with a friend (who I went to Christian colleg with none the less) who is co-habing. It makes me very sad that she has chosen not to listen to all of the Godly people around her who have told her that what she is doing isn't wise or in her own long-term best interest.

*********Attention Boundless STAFF Idea for a new topic for a post: Reasons why friends who claim to be Christians Co-hab and some great responses which you can use to help them think about what they are doing without them feeling judged .******************

[15. DanL had the following to say on Feb 2 at 9:18 AM:]

15

I’m not sure that data here means the same thing that Candice is interpreting it to mean. Being introduced by family, friends or coworkers can mean a lot of things besides being set up by family, friends or coworkers. I’d be willing to bet that most of that 60% (which is a number that seems awfully low to me to begin with) knew each other as friends for a while before they started dating. It seems that nearly all my friends, male or female, I originally met through family, friends, coworkers or other acquaintances, so if you end up marrying someone you knew first as a friend, then this really doesn’t tell you much.

I like the idea of family and friends being involved in the search for a mate in theory. But in practice, it seems like when I’ve encountered people who have tried to help, they didn’t know both people very well. It often seemed that two people both being single was all they needed to know. Perhaps Boundless could do more to help older people more effectively help the younger set get married.

[16. DanL had the following to say on Feb 2 at 9:21 AM:]

16

Kelly, it really pains me the hear you say that your friend’s boyfriend has committed to her given what you describe. There are a lot of men who desperately want marriage too. It just seems that the best way to attract women is often to treat them like trash.

[17. Louise had the following to say on Feb 2 at 12:18 PM:]

17

Danl, why do you say Kelly's friend's boyfriend is "treating her like trash?"

If she doesn't approve of living together before marriage, she certainly has the option to look elsewhere.

Personally, I would be suspect about any ultimatum from partner, but since I never met either one of the parties I hesitate to judge his (or her) motives.

[18. Nato had the following to say on Feb 3 at 1:56 AM:]

18

Hang on, I'm not sure I've got this right. They seem to be saying 'The most common way to find someone is through introductions', but you seem to be saying 'The best way to find someone is through introductions'?

Most common doesn't imply best right?

[19. Ryder had the following to say on Feb 3 at 9:55 PM:]

19

One thing you could say is that these posts are biased and are made by frequent internet users and may be more likely to support online dating services. Just a thought! I am 21 and I am all about the old fashioned face to face meet and greet.

[20. mgh had the following to say on Feb 4 at 8:40 AM:]

20

Interesting stats and makes sense. However, my only hesitation about this is when singles use this as an excuse to not "get out there" and meet people, instead waiting for someone else to do the work for them. Can lead to victim mentality.

[21. Nancy had the following to say on Feb 4 at 11:52 AM:]

21

matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a catch!
I'm going with the real life introductions!!!!!

[22. Candice Watters had the following to say on Feb 4 at 1:37 PM:]

22

Oops. I think I listed the wrong stat. Yes, the Popenoe and Whitehead finding about the percentage of marriages that result from introductions by friends or family members is instructive for this discussion about online meeting. However, you're right that it's not material to which matches are the happiest. Sorry I gave the wrong info. I'll have to dig that one up and post it next. Back soon.

[23. Candice Watters had the following to say on Feb 4 at 3:12 PM:]

23

OK folks, here's what I should have posted the first time. In his book VoiceMale, Neil Chethik has this to say about which kinds of meetings produce the best marriages:

...husbands who were introduced to their future wives by friends and family members were most likely to pronounce themselves happy in their marriages later on. The size of my survey sample was not large enough to confirm this as statistically significant, but my personal interviews supported the theory: Those who know us best may know what--and who--is best for us.

Also of interest was this paragraph about online dating:

Because of the newness of online dating, no studies have yet been completed on whether marriages that begin online are more or less successful in the long term than those that start in more traditional ways. Online match-making tends to rely less on physical attractiveness (photos are usually available, but self-selected) than on resumes and self-descriptive abilities. I interviewed two men who met their wives online, and the evidence was mixed.

(Both quotes are from page 23 of his book.)

I'm sorry for the mix up on stats and hope this clarifies things for those of you who were interested in the source of my "happiness" assertion.