The "I Just Haven't Found the Right One" Trump Card
by
Motte Brown
on Jan 29, 2008 at 1:09 PM
I appreciate the feedback I received from my "just choose one" plea at the end of the roundtable discussion of our first podcast. For those who haven't listened (and really, you should), I was responding to the generally accepted "I just haven't found the right one" defense from single guys in their 30s.
And before you start hatin' on me here, let me explain what I meant.
I've been married 10 years. And over the years I've learned that I could allow myself to become attracted to a great many women. All of whom would probably have made excellent wives. But I made my choice a long time ago. That's what you do when you ask (and accept) someone to marry you -- you choose, you forsake all others.
It's just a fact of life that many women probably share my Christian and doctrinal beliefs, complementarian views, child-centeredness, political leanings, sense of humor, etc. (note: these qualifications are for illustration purposes only). And in my opinion, it's not difficult to find many beautiful women with these characteristics.
So you might be asking yourself what all this has to do with single guys who just haven't found the "right one." Just this: I don't think there is "a right one." I think there are many right ones. And single men simply need to make a choice from all of the right ones out there. Because it's not about finding the right one, it's about making the right one by laying down your life for the one you chose until death do you part.
Before I popped the question, I was anxious about making the wrong decision. I asked my pastor how he knew his wife was the right one. He said simply, "Because I chose her over all the others. And she said yes." The rest is an act of the will.
1. kman had the following to say on Jan 29 at 1:26 PM:
Thank you Motte.
You start with a good match, then grow to be "perfect" for each other over time.
I picture it as two pieces of clay. They have a generally good complimentary shapes. Push them together and they both start changing shape to conform to the other's changing shape. Eventually they are a perfect match for each other.
This is not to say the process isn't without it's stress and adjustments! LOL
2. Beau had the following to say on Jan 29 at 1:52 PM:
I disagree. Biblically, I see people who were chosen for each other, not just by their culture, but by God: Adam and Eve, Isaac and Rebekah, Joseph and Mary, Boaz and Ruth.
Then of course, there's Jesus and His bride the church. Chosen from the foundation of the world. (Eph 1:4)
Maybe our culture is different from theirs, but does that mean that our match-maker God is?
Call me a calvinist, but I still believe that the "right one" is out there.
~Beau
3. DannieA had the following to say on Jan 29 at 1:58 PM:
I agree with that.
4. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:11 PM:
Since genuine Biblical(agape)LOVE,
(this is my personal trademarked statement)
"LOVE is a conscience act of the will."
I chose and continue to choose to LOVE my wife.
Scripture commands me, "husbands love your wives". To choose to do otherwise is disobedience to God's revealed will.
Those of you who are believers in Jesus Christ and not married, need to find a woman who has a strong relationship with Jesus Christ, has the same vision for the future as you do and choose to Love that woman.
I haven't found the right one, is an excuse rooted in a misunderstanding of God's revealed will. To many of you live as thought God's has written a flow chart with exactly what you are supposed to do with your life and you are trying to follow that flow chart without ever seeing it. In reality God gives us a free will, and as long as we are obedient to God's revealed will in His written Word, we are free to marry whoever we wish, and then to LOVE our wife.
See I Corinthians 7:39 The widow is free "(at liberty) to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord."
And that's the point, a believer is at liberty to marry whom they will, only in the Lord." That is God's revealed will.
5. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:17 PM:
Beau,
What do you do with I Corinthians 7:39?
She is free (at liberty) to marry whom ever she will;
how can that be if there is some magical flow chart with only one person that is "right" for her?
Are you suggesting that Paul is wrong?
Are you suggesting that you know God's will before an event occurs?
Tell me how I can know God's for-ordained plan? Where do I find it? Is it available to those who do not have the magic decoder ring?
6. obewan had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:17 PM:
“I think there are many right ones. And single men simply need to make a choice from all of the right ones out there.”
Surely you realize that some people face very real practical limits regarding geography, time, and/or availability.
I was involved in the submarine culture as a nuclear engineer for 12 years. At its heyday, there were over 50,000 people involved in the design, construction, or manning of submarines. Most of them were men.
I attended a church (basically the only one with a singles group) where at the worst times the male:female ratio was 12:1 at social activities. Forget having a “choice” – one was lucky to find even ONE “prospect”. To make matters worse, most of the women in town either married at age 18, or went away to college and never came back. Then, for those who had the duty of long deployments, there were months and months away from any kind of regular social activity that involved the opposite sex.
I was there from age 25-37, and feel that is why I am not married. Yes, some did get married but there were not enough brides to go around. Such is life.
I won’t go into much detail about the divorce scene now since I have posted that complaint before, but now literally 90% of the single women in my church group (in a new town) are divorced. Not a lot of choices if one has convictions about divorce and remarriage.
7. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:23 PM:
That first post is terrible. That's what I get for trying to hurry.
some corrections,
Since genuine Biblical LOVE (agape) LOVE "is a conscience act of the will". Love is a choice. I choose to Love my wife.
"I haven't found the right one"
Too many...
8. ScottW had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:33 PM:
Good stuff Motte. Thanks for the wisdom. I struggle with this issue sometimes. I try to find the "right one" when I realize that what you say is correct, that there are many to choose from.
9. Jeni had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:34 PM:
I appreciate this post. It's concise, clear and Biblical. Nicely stated, Motte!
I am SUPER curious where the church is with the overwhelming amount of single men. I suspect I should have chosen a career with submarines!
10. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:36 PM:
obewan,
You need to reread the Biblical account of Abraham's search for a wife for Isaac.
Why are you limiting your search for a wife to only the geographical area where you currently are? The planet has 7 billion people on it. By what standard do you come to conclusion that you can only look for a mate where you currently reside?
Good, grief, if I limited my search for a pickup to only those white, 3/4 ton Dodge, Cummins diesel, manual transmission, 4X4, quad cab, gray interior, electric adjustable seat, with trip computer and outside temperature display, CD and cassette, tow package, and flag theme paint job, in my home town, guess what, it's hopeless, there are none. Zero, Nada, zippo, zilch,
Get the picture. You are putting artifical limits on the field of potential mates by the foolish idea that they must be where you can touch them. And maybe that part of the problem, it good for a man not to touch a woman.
Maybe you would get to know her better if you learned something about her mind and personality before you ever saw or had personal contact with her.
11. Osayi E. had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:40 PM:
"I disagree. Biblically, I see people who were chosen for each other, not just by their culture, but by God: Adam and Eve, Isaac and Rebekah, Joseph and Mary, Boaz and Ruth.
Then of course, there's Jesus and His bride the church. Chosen from the foundation of the world. (Eph 1:4)"
Well Adam and Eve were exceptions...they were the only ones, and they belonged to each other!
But...
A servant chose Rebekah for Isaac, which I personally wouldn't want.
Joseph chose Mary and Boaz chose Ruth.
There were other people who would have been perfectly okay, but these were choices people made. Keep in Mind that although God knew who Mary was, Mary did not get pregnant until she was betrothed to Joseph...who knows what would have happened...if they had never been betrothed.
NO one chose the church for Jesus, but Jesus CHOSE the Church.
It's all about choice...walk in God's will and you will meet many who would be excellent for God's purpose for your life. Choose one and stick to your decision for better or worse, until death do you part...
12. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:41 PM:
Nasty blizzard here in Iowa today,
so I'm home early to torment the visitors at Boundless.
Come on guys, you've dated lots of girls, by what logic did you do that if you thought that there was only one perfect one for you. If there was only one perfect one for you, you should have been able to save all that money, sit at home playing computer games, and eventually she will pop into your life like some angel in a movie. Boom, there's miss perfect. Why the search if it's a pre-ordained, perfect plan known to only God until He dumps her in your lap?
13. connie had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:46 PM:
God literally directed my husband and I to marry one another (we are coming up on our 25th anniversary.)
Let this "old head" tell y'all something. You need to be convinced, and convinced strongly, that a particular person is the one you want to/are called to marry. Because when it's ten years down the road and stresses hit and one of the kids is throwing up etc etc you do NOT want to be wondering if you chose wrong.
MUCH BETTER to be single than that.
As much as I think most of us are called to marry, as much as I agree people need to be intentional about it, I do not like the implication that one just simply needs to pick someone who "looks good on paper." No one wants to feel that their spouse chose them just because they were there. Marriage is hard-even when you love that person, even when you know in the core of your very being that you picked the right one-it is still hard. Believe me-I have seen couples break up to the left and to the right of me, Christian couples who I would never ever have dreamed would divorce...how many times was it simply because one or both of them had been impatient to be married to begin with?
14. Savannah had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:48 PM:
Beau--
It is interesting that you bring up the argument for "soul mates." I do not think, however, that Motte's suggestion of more than one "right one" cancels out the beautiful workings of God's plan for each individual as you shared.
I imagine that there were any number of women that Joseph could have been betrothed to that could have been the "right one." However, he was a man of God, who sought God's will for his life. So could it be that, in seeking God's will for his life, he chose Mary to be the "right one" which was a fulfillment of God's design for him?
Just throwing that out there...
15. Joy had the following to say on Jan 29 at 2:57 PM:
I agree with what you are saying. A good (male) friend and I had a discussion a year or so ago about this very subject; there may be multiple people out there who are right for us, but our choices narrow that field. I met my fiance at my college, because we both chose to attend school here and chose to explore a relationship with each other.
16. Mark had the following to say on Jan 29 at 3:02 PM:
Excellent reminders Motte.
farmer Tom,
I have dated women down the street from me and on the other tip of the country. However, despite my best intentions, they said "no longer interested." I can't make them marry me. And if they ain't buyin', I gotta respect that.
17. Carrie (the original) had the following to say on Jan 29 at 3:03 PM:
OK, for once, I'm actually going to try to defend a guy that I know.
What happens if someone meets a girl who is a believer, but their background gives different a whole new meaning. He was homeschooled, she wasn't. He was raised in a Christian family, she was raised by non-believers. He is pencil thin and she has a few extra curves (she's struggled with weight her whole life, victory is within her grasp, but it's doesn't happen overnight).
In fact the only ways they are the same is the theology and race. In every other way possible, they differ.
There are no prospects for either of them and they have flirted with each other.
I can't see why this guy should persue her. Can anyone tell me if I'm wrong?
18. Jessica had the following to say on Jan 29 at 3:04 PM:
Reminds me of an old Al Holley song:
Loving is a Choice, and in the name of Jesus, I choose to Love. (repeat 3x)
Insert: Serving, etc.
19. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 3:12 PM:
Jeni,
Let me guess. You live in some large metropolitan area. You go to a large mega-church. You hang out at malls and coffee houses, eat a diet of sprouts and greens, consider global warming to be entirely the fault of internal combustion engines (ala Al Gore), believe guns are evil and you have a cat.
Maybe just maybe you need to go where the guys are, football games, the gym, steak houses and junk food purveyors, drive fast cars and or pickups and live as far away from all other human beings as possible, shot Bambi's mother for lunch and Bambi for dinner, consider guns to be excellent toys, go to a church with less than a hundred people and have a big slobbering dog.
the above comments were an attempt at humor, and to quote Rush Limbaugh (all good humor requires some element of truth.)
20. Dawnson had the following to say on Jan 29 at 3:37 PM:
Re: obewan
"Surely you realize that some people face very real practical limits regarding geography, time, and/or availability."
I very much hope Motte does understand this and responds to you, because that is a valid point. I left college to work as recreation director for a Christian youth camp in the woods. Many many things I learned there, and one was that a camp is *not* the place to meet and date eligible women. During that time I dated long-distance for nearly 2 years with a girl I'd known in college, only to have her lose interest and break it off. Through that experience I realized that *most* of what you learn about someone is through observation of their interactions with others. And when that observation isn't possible regularly, your ability to acuractely judge the character of that other person is very limited. Because of that I will only look for girls in my geographic area to date now.
Rambling a bit, but the point is I understand obewan's predicament. I greatly desire a marriage and a family, but I see that my decision to move to the camp was probably the main factor that has so far prevented that. That along with many other reasons prompted me to leave and soon move to a large city.
One last note, thank you sir for your dedication to protecting the freedoms we enjoy.
Re: farmer Tom
You continue to assume the worst of people. Obewan served our country for a good portion of his life and you imply that he's single because he can't keep his hands off the women around him? His limited options in women is due to his time spent in or around *submarines*, NOT because he was absurdly picky, as you imply. Get off your high horse and realize where he is coming from. Yes, billions on the planet etc, but despite that lofty notion, many of us still hope and pray to find a suitable mate.
Re: Motte
Can the "haven't found the right one" defense be misused? Absolutely. But balance that idea with what Proverbs says many times about the better alternatives to living with a contentious wife. Many of us aren't unrealistically picky, but we are cautious. We see the ruined lives of people we know who made really bad choices in mates, and we want to avoid that. Believe me when I say that I REALLY desire a wife and family -- but I'd rather be single till the day I die than make a bad choice that messes up the rest of my life. So when we say we haven't found the right one, please at least entertain the thought that that might truly be the case.
21. Andrew (tlw) had the following to say on Jan 29 at 3:43 PM:
I can understand Obewan’s plight. There are numerous women with whom we can make good marriages. But … first, we have to meet them. Second, we have to get to know them. And third, church culture often acts as a brake. And fourth, once you’re single and over 30, people start to whisper “what’s wrong with him?”
I didn’t date much in my home town. It was a big town of half a million people. But those few girls I did date, I really liked. Problem: they didn’t relationships that led to marriage. They only wanted boyfriends.
If you were stuck in such a church, the cultural norm was that you couldn’t chop and change churches just to meet women. This just bred a suspicion of men’s motives
It wasn’t until I moved away from that resort-town area to get work after college that I found the mindset of the women I was meeting had changed.
I was soon blessed with a steady girlfriend, who grew into a wife.
Some men are too fussy. But using it as a blanket accusation against all single men is a bit simplistic. Men often aren’t as verbal as women in explaining all the issues in play.
22. Bryan H. had the following to say on Jan 29 at 3:59 PM:
Hey Everyone,
In my experience God has created the perfect mate for you; you just have to get up off the couch and find her! For me, I had to travel across three states (California to Texas), venture out of my comfort zone, and away from all family and friends. It was at a small Christian college that I found my wife, deep in the heart of Texas.
All I can say is don't give up! But at the same time it was when I gave up my desire to date to God, I found my wife.
I think that Motte is correct in that it all boils down to a choice. A choice, I believe, God has already made. For there is a woman out there He created just for you. You just have to make the choice to find and accept her.
Peace.
23. Lisa had the following to say on Jan 29 at 4:05 PM:
"Come on guys, you've dated lots of girls, by what logic did you do that if you thought that there was only one perfect one for you. If there was only one perfect one for you, you should have been able to save all that money, sit at home playing computer games, and eventually she will pop into your life like some angel in a movie. Boom, there's miss perfect. Why the search if it's a pre-ordained, perfect plan known to only God until He dumps her in your lap?"
Farmer Tom, some days I think you're wacky, but today I think I love you. (In an appropriate and totally "agape" way, of course).
24. Jo had the following to say on Jan 29 at 4:18 PM:
LOVE "is a conscience act of the will".
Conscious.
Sorry to be pinickity but I'm a bit of a grammarholic. The panda says no!!
25. Jo had the following to say on Jan 29 at 4:20 PM:
If Adam and Eve had had to cope with today's dating climate, they would have died single and the world would have ended right there.
[/melodrama]
26. keightie had the following to say on Jan 29 at 4:34 PM:
Didn't they just talk about this in the "You be the Editor" post? It's "complementary". And Farmer Tom, never substitute "conscience" with "conscious". They are close, the roots of both mean "with knowledge," but your conscience (a noun) is that Jiminy Cricket-type thing that tells you right from wrong (your superego, if you'll permit Freud to sneak in) and conscious is an adjective describing, in your case, the decision to love.
27. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 4:50 PM:
Jo and keightie thanks,
I thought I spelled it wrong, but I went and checked conscience at Dictionary.com and it says "motivation deriving logically from ethical or moral principles that govern a person's thoughts and actions" I went with that. Should have known better, you know what happens when I assume.
conscious, what I should have used is,
" Having an awareness of one's environment and one's own existence, sensations, and thoughts"
Oh, well, I never claimed to be a scholar, just an ignorant farmer.
28. Andrew (tlw) had the following to say on Jan 29 at 5:03 PM:
Obewan,
Having reread your post, I’ve noticed you mentioned divorce single women. A truly vexatious subject on which I’d like to comment.
I’ve seen the extra effort it takes to making step-families work. And I too had (and would still have) reservations about marrying a divorced woman.
I do believe that we can be gifted with extra grace to make difficult circumstances work. But, IMHO, if you do have strong beliefs about such things, perhaps you are better off avoiding such relationships.
29. Lisa had the following to say on Jan 29 at 5:10 PM:
Farmer Tom, bless your heart. Your comment to Jeni was funny. Truly. But here's what's not funny:
I know Jeni, and she IS where the guys are. The problem is, she dated one who wasted 7 mos of her life before breaking it off, telling her he still had to "figure out a bunch of stuff about relationships." She went out with another who, because of "having to take a recent pay cut," explained that he couldn't afford to buy her $1.27 tea, so could she please get it herself? There are more examples like this, but I'll spare you.
Farmer Tom, these are guys who would be considered "dateable" by most standards: Christ-follower, involved in a solid church, employed, relatively sane, nice, intelligent, etc. I know Jeni's story. I know she's out there, and I know she's meeting guys. But unless she's willing to walk them through life and/or support them, it doesn't look like the prospects are good right now. Those are just the facts.
30. Kellie had the following to say on Jan 29 at 5:11 PM:
I was trying to figure what Motte was missing in his post...I think the answer is mutual attraction. Without that, marriage (at least in the United States), is rarely going to happen.
31. k. had the following to say on Jan 29 at 5:14 PM:
Farmer Tom - Hmm...I'm a woman who goes to a mega-church, likes the mall, lives in a fairly sizeable city, and eats sprouts. But I also watch football, adore big dogs, own a gun, and am a gym rat. Jeni might not fit neatly into your little box, either. :)
32. Beau had the following to say on Jan 29 at 5:27 PM:
Time to balance myself out :)
I said what I said to balance out the idea that it's all up to you and your choice.
I've also had friendships that didn't work out for marriage. I thought that each of these ladies would have made a great wife. But it didn't work out.
The only way to keep from going insane is to believe that God didn't mean for it to happen. Otherwise, I'll always be asking myself, "If only I did/didn't do _____, would it have worked out?"
On the other hand, I agree that I can't just sit at home and twiddle my thumbs (playing xbox) waiting for God to drop her in my lap. I have to actively pursue a wife, and eventually (hopefully) ask her to marry me.
I do have to be active and make a choice. But I trust that God will guide me through the choices I make and actions I take to The One.
33. Jacob Douvier had the following to say on Jan 29 at 5:31 PM:
I agree with you Motte.
We will always be holding out for some ideal person who does not exist and refrain from committing to someone because she or he is not perfect and therefore not "the one." Love isn't something you "fall into," it's a choice to make to commit to someone over another. I realize this doesn't sound subjective, and therefore, "spiritual" enough for some people, but really, let's be adults here: The reason why many marriages fail is because people think love is this emotional excitement and so when it's not there, they think they are no longer in love. However, Christ shows us that love is committing to someone, warts and all, because you choose to. Indeed, Ephesians 1 teaches us that God adopted us before the foundations of the earth, before we even came into existence. If "I love you" means "I have butterflies in my tummy," I don't think you can call what Christ did for us love. If Love is "I am committed to caring for you and putting your needs over my own until I die," I think we can talk.
34. Ariana had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:03 PM:
Carrie,
You said you don't see why the pencil-thin, homeschooled, Christian-raised guy should pursue the curvy, came-to-Christ-later girl. Christians owe it to one another to take the time to discover how Jesus has transformed each of us as we have known him. I'm not suggesting that family background and life history are not important. But we should at least take the time to find out what those things mean in each other's lives. Otherwise we are just making judgments before really knowing what's there. A date or two couldn't hurt anything.
35. Vanessa had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:04 PM:
Farmer Tom...going to a church with under a hundred people is NOT better for finding dates nor for finding a spouse than a larger church. Unless, of course, that hundred member church is chock full of singles within marriageable age instead of married with children couples and 12 teens! I went to smaller churches all my life. Never had a date until I went to a church over 600 and found at least a couple of guys who weren't already coupled up!
Incidentally, I LOVE football, own a gun (was taught to shoot at the ripe old age of 5 by my granddad), drive a sporty car, and am a budding project manager for a telecom company...and I'm still 28 and single.
36. Sylvia had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:06 PM:
"And in my opinion, it's not difficult to find many beautiful women with these characteristics."
It sure is no fun to be an ugly woman with any number of characteristics.
What you say is probably true, but its no fun to hear because it really narrows it down to this. Any man could find any number of ladies who are just like me except beautiful.
I want to think that God is looking out for me and can put me on the heart of a man who I can greatly bless for as long as he lives. But it seems to be all about men picking.
Have fun boys.
37. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:10 PM:
Lisa,
I understand that the world's not perfect, in fact I've been there myself. Did you see my post a couple of weeks ago about the gal who would not date me, even used the "I've got to stay home and wash my hair" line on me.
Then years later her dad asked me why I never asked her out.
Really ticked me off.
Why bother dating at all? See I really like the idea of an agent and courtship. You may have to find a different church or a mature believer who values marriage and is willing to help make connections for you, but I think that would be preferable to the dating scene.
38. Paul had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:20 PM:
As an Open Theist, I of course am in complete agreement with Motte that there is no such thing as the "right one," or, as it's usually phrased in Christian circles: "the person God has for you."
What's frustrating to me is, there seems to be such inconsistent application of theology in these discussions [And Motte, I'm not accusing you of being inconsistent, since I don't know your particular theological views].
Many Christians acknowledge that God does not have one particular person picked out for each of us, and yet they claim that He is in total control of if and when we are to marry, such that they will tell single people who are pining for marriage, "this is where the Lord 'has you' right now [So be content]."
It's either one or the other. Either our entire marital "situation" (that is: if, when, to whom and for how long) is all following a pre-ordained "script," or we have true freedom to make real choices that will affect what would otherwise happen in our futures -- including if and when we marry, as well as whom.
One thing's for sure: our theology -- specifically, our view of how God operates in our lives -- affects how we approach practical life issues like singleness and dating/courtship. I wish people would think through these matters thoroughly and consistently, because it really impacts people's lives. As Albert Mohler always says: "theology matters" [And I agree, even though I disagree with his theology].
39. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:27 PM:
Vanessa
and am a budding project manager for a telecom company
so what you're telling me is that your goal in life is to be a corporate pawn?
See, in my mind, if I were looking for a potential wife, that comment alone would make you a "not interested" on my list.
Life is complicated enough without trying to start a relationship with someone married to the corporate world, trying to pay off a huge college loan and more devoted to advancing a career than finding a marriage partner.
You say that's unfair, you don't know me, and your right. But first impressions are huge, and you just tried to impress me with your "resume" and the big seller is your career. I'm not looking for a business partner, I'm looking for a wife. And the two are rarely the same.
40. Kellie had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:36 PM:
Carrie,
My husband and I are nearly as different as the couple you describe (except we are also different races and have slightly different theological views). It's worth pursuing.
41. Ariana had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:36 PM:
Sometimes I think that guys who sincerely want a wife don't really know how to go about evaluating whether they should pick this one or that one, or the one over there. It seems sometimes like they are waiting for *something* to click, or a revelation from the heavens, or a mysterious feeling, before they can decide. I wonder if re-iterating just how to go about evaluating the potential of a dating/courting relationship would help.
42. Stephanie had the following to say on Jan 29 at 6:39 PM:
Amen, Sylvia.
Unfortunately, I go to a Christian college in a part of the country where *everyone* is beautiful, plus girls outnumber guys significantly here! Not a whole lot of hope for those of us who aren't particularly *attractive*.
43. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:00 PM:
K.
so how goes the search?
Lots of marriageable material in your mega-church are there? Probably all guys uninterested in the corporate rat race, focused on living for the Lord, and starting a family, right?
My experience is that guys and gals drawn to mega churches are also very career oriented. They would rather be part of the big group, bask in the experience of bigger is better, than they would humbling themselves and taking on the form of a servant. Being responsible in the local church rather than being a spectator. More interested in being served than serving.
In other words your looking for a man in places where spectators are.
44. Tina had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:15 PM:
I've never posted a comment before, but this one is just too good to ignore!
I recently read a book by James MacDonald "Way of Wisdom", and it touches on this subject: finding The One. He made a very valid point that I had never considered. If there is such a thing as God only having One person for you, and let's say you marry the Wrong One, does that entitle you to divorce when you discover your mistake and you find the Right One later?! And if you have children with the Wrong One, does God have a plan for these children that were never to exist in the 1st place?! I know it sounds crazy, but he really says that! And it makes a good point!
I would agree with several of you that have already alluded to this: God has given us a choice, and as long as our choices are made within the boundaries of His moral Will (ie. not being unequally yoked), we can trust and believe that we have made the right choice.
45. Nikki had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:16 PM:
Farmer Tom,
What then should single Vanessa be doing? Are women not supposed to have jobs before we're married? I don't understand the mindset of a man who would be put-off by the fact that a woman has a good job. Isn't that being productive? Responsible? Plenty of people who work in the corporate world would be more than glad to be out of it. What else should she be doing with her time?!?
I usually agree with most of what you say, but this is almost crazy!
46. Rachael had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:35 PM:
Oh...wow! Lots of ideas here.
1) Re: "the right one"...
I wonder if in part the issue is the semantics. If you have the theology that God is sovereign and omniscient, and if someone marries only one person in his/her life, and the decision seems to be inline with God's will...then...aren't they the "right ones"? And if the decision to marry was made from a lack of discernment/sin and they ended up marrying the "wrong one", isn't it still..."the one", at least "the one" they are obliged to spend their whole entire lives with? I believe God can work even in spite of potentially sinful marriage decisions. He can work all for the good for those who love Him. I guess I'm of the mindset that once you marry...you're STUCK FOR LIFE (except maybe for matters of adultery, physical abuse or if the person leaves you).
That being said, I do agree that people could probably be compatible with a number of others. However, if they only end up with one, then, isn't that often the "right one"? And if it's the "wrong one", it's still..."their one"...
2) Re: "Tell me how I can know God's for-ordained plan? Where do I find it?"
--> We don't always "know" his plans. Isn't that awesome? They just happen in spite of us "knowing" or not. Yes, we still have a role to play, but ultimately...He's ultimately in control.
3) Re: "Come on guys, you've dated lots of girls, by what logic did you do that if you thought that there was only one perfect one for you."
--> People can believe there's that perfect one and not immediately know who that might be.
4) Connie said: "You need to be convinced, and convinced strongly, that a particular person is the one you want to/are called to marry."
--> Thanks for the advice! Reminds me of something I heard an elderly person say a few years ago: "Don't marry someone you (think you) can live with. Marry someone you can't live without." Something I think about from time to time.
5) Carrie (the original): We don't know the entire situation between that potential couple who seems like an unlikely fit, and even if we did, we might have different opinions than God. Perhaps in their case "opposites attract"?
6) Dawnson said: " Through that experience I realized that *most* of what you learn about someone is through observation of their interactions with others. "
--> GOOD point. Of course I'd add that the theology, beliefs, and life activities would also be good things to learn, but you really can see character shine through when you are looking. I would like to get more advice on this issue. I wish I could learn about concrete examples of real couples whose warning signs got ignored and who ended up flaming up. But if I learned about people I knew that might not be healthy, unless I already have seen the negative things. I think it would be wonderful to read a book with anonymous couples that could convey this information so we can clearly see the warning signs. I am quite observant (maybe TOO MUCH) of others' behavior and reaction to other people, but I also wonder if I'd overlook things when blinded by "love" and only their good aspects. Guess I don't have to completely worry about that at this point since no one is pursuing me now. But then at the same time we are all flawed...so how much does one allow...I don't know. Guess I don't have to really make any choices at this point, but I want to be aware and discerning and I think I should not ignore warning signals if I see them.
7) Sylvia, have hope. Attraction can be relatively relative. Remember that not everyone is attracted to the same types of people...but yeah, it does seem that the guys can just choose one of the many...but they have to be very careful and of course they have hurdles to deal with as well. God knows and can work wonders - the possible even when things seem impossible.
47. Al had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:44 PM:
Tom said:
"so what you're telling me is that your goal in life is to be a corporate pawn?"
See, Tom, Vanessa's profession says to me that she's (likely) competent, has goals, and some level of trust by those who employ her. I think it might be just a bit much to read into her motivation or demean her position as merely being a "corporate pawn". Sure, the possibility that she just wants to be a corporate stooge, request TPS reports and wear pant suits is a possibility-- and some of us might even find successful women faintly intimidating-- but without knowing her, I think our reaction speaks more about our own perceptions, cynicism, and insecurities than her character.
For what it's worth, I sort of dated a gal who was successful, hi-powered, and managed a multi-million dollar account for a well known company. She felt placed there by God to minister and love people, and she exhibited the sort of open humility with her success and gifts I rarely see-- partly because God had already been working on her pride but not necessarily tempering her drive. It's just a little unfair to write off successful women without getting to know what makes them tick.
Now a much more important question, Vanessa. What handgun, and what caliber?
48. Rachael had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:45 PM:
As if my last comment wasn't long enough already...just a quick response to Ariana's comment: "I wonder if re-iterating just how to go about evaluating the potential of a dating/courting relationship would help."
--> Interesting. Might be worthwihle for people to "learn" what kinds of character traits to look for, but it might be good to not notice too much, unless it helps prevent us from making the same mistake. While I have a feeling a bunch of people would know or have learned what to look for, I think sometimes peoples' feelings and attractions get the best of them/us and overlook or just don't notice certain things. I wonder if I notice too many character flaws in males and females, though, and it might not always be good. It's just very easy for me to notice an expression, a reaction someone has to someone they might look down on or disagree with. It bothers me, yet when I see these things I should examine to see if/how the very things I look down on are in myself, and I should seek change. While we should be observant, we (myself included) should seek to remove the logs in our own eyes.
49. Jacob Douvier had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:47 PM:
One thing's for sure: our theology -- specifically, our view of how God operates in our lives -- affects how we approach practical life issues like singleness and dating/courtship. I wish people would think through these matters thoroughly and consistently, because it really impacts people's lives. As Albert Mohler always says: "theology matters" [And I agree, even though I disagree with his theology].
While I strongly disagree with your open theism, I agree whole heartedly with the principle here. Why study theology? Because it matters. What we believe affects how we act, and so right belief leads to right action. I would contest, however, that Motte's position is inconsistent with Reformed theology's much stronger and orthodox view of God. It's all about secondary causes: http://jdouvier.blogspot.com/2007/12/lbcf-1689-chapter-5-of-divine.html
All that said, this isn't a blog debate about Reformed theology vs. open theism or predestination.
50. Adam T. had the following to say on Jan 29 at 7:59 PM:
Ariana,
Sometimes I think that guys who sincerely want a wife don't really know how to go about evaluating whether they should pick this one or that one, or the one over there. It seems sometimes like they are waiting for *something* to click, or a revelation from the heavens, or a mysterious feeling, before they can decide.
I agree. More than that, I think something most young men don't realize is that love often develops as emotional intimacy progresses. The girl who seems kinda boring now becomes your heart's delight once you share each other's feelings and secrets. It just... grows. What this means is that you don't need 'instant attraction' in order to form a lasting, loving marriage. The trick, as we know, is getting guys to initiate.
This is also, by the way, one of the reasons why you self-described 'unattractive' girls should hold out some hope. There are other reasons, too:
Unfortunately, I go to a Christian college in a part of the country where *everyone* is beautiful, plus girls outnumber guys significantly here! Not a whole lot of hope for those of us who aren't particularly *attractive*.
I can only imagine these fabled wonderlands filled with beautiful family-oriented Christian women that both you and Motte mention.
More to the point, though - and, I mean, we may beat this to death but it's so critical - there are other things that family-oriented men find attractive besides physical beauty. There are. A woman who expresses interest in becoming a wife and mother is sublimely beautiful.
You say you're unattractive. Okay, so... why don't you try working on these other qualities that men find attractive? Most guys might still pass you over, but you only need one.
Conversely:
first impressions are huge, and you just tried to impress me with your "resume" and the big seller is your career. I'm not looking for a business partner, I'm looking for a wife.
Never change, farmer Tom. :) I'm not convinced that this is what Vanessa was doing, but I have seen a lot of women say things like 'I can't figure out why I'm still single - I'm such a great catch! I'm self-sufficient and have such a great career!' I get a kick out of it every time.
51. Paul had the following to say on Jan 29 at 8:09 PM:
Jacob said: "All that said, this isn't a blog debate about Reformed theology vs. open theism or predestination."
Jacob -- I understand that, and I'm not here to start a contentious theological debate (Lord knows, I've had my share of those), but I find that theological issues are lurking beneath the surface of so many of these discussions pertaining to singleness and relationships.
52. k. had the following to say on Jan 29 at 8:36 PM:
Farmer Tom -- I'm not searching...I've already found one. :) And not while I was eating greens, shopping, shooting, or watching football.
53. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 9:23 PM:
Vanessa,
I want you to know the comments I made concerning your post had little to do with you and much more to do with a mind set I see over and over and over in these discussions. I used your comments as an example. I have been saving this passage of Scripture to use for just such an occasion for some time.
The question that is repeated endlessly around here, and at other blogs which discuss Christian singles, dating and how to find a mate is always the same. "I have a career but I haven't got what I want which is marriage and family." I have tried in numerous ways and on innumerable occasions to point out a simple yet profound thought.
Here goes as plain as I can make it. If you invest your time, both years in college and after. Your money, both buying that piece of paper from a college, and then using more of your money to further that career. Your personal life, putting your energy into achieving the best grades in college so that you can get that great job, avoiding personal relationships so that you can study to get those good grades. Then getting that great job, and working as hard as possible to climb the corporate ladder. Guess what?
Your god is your career and all the things that are involved with it, position, money, authority,.....ask yourself what is it that I would do to further my career?
Luke 12:34 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." See if you've invested all your time, talent and energy into a career, don't tell me that family and marriage are also important to you. That's a lie. You do what you want, so you can get what you want!! If you were not pursuing a career, that would not be the thing that describes who you are.
A test, for all of you men and ladies, how much money have you spent pursuing a college degree so that you can get the good job?
Ladies, what if you had spent that kind of money in pursuing a husband?
My point is, you have invested your treasure in something, what is it? And has that investment brought you what you really want, which is family/children? What is the return on investment if you abandon all those dollars spent on college and career if you become a stay at home mom?
How do you ladies come to the conclusion that a man seriously interested in a Godly wife is going to pursue a career woman. By her actions she has already demonstrated that career is more important than family/children. She has spent her time, treasure and talents on a career. Read this passage very carefully,
Titus 2
1But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine;
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Personally I believe that many of you have been sold a bill of goods by the culture. You are told repeatedly that you can have a career and then when your ready the family thing will work out for you. It's a foolish idea, championed by feminists who despise God's plan for women and a womans role in the family. Sadly many of our churches have also bought into this notion, discouraging marriage and family, instead of teaching and preaching that the family is the first institution that God created, more important than the Church and government.
Again Vanessa this was not about you, I just used your post as an example.
54. farmer Tom had the following to say on Jan 29 at 9:27 PM:
k,
Praise the Lord.
I love my wife, I love married life, and I want to see more people find a marriage partner.
55. Laur had the following to say on Jan 29 at 10:54 PM:
ok, i admit upfront that i didn't read all the comments, but i did notice a theme....
there is a mountain of sexual tension, for lack of a better term.
boundless peeps, how are we on the whole conference or something so we frustrated single people can meet each other?
~Lauren
56. BDB had the following to say on Jan 30 at 12:34 AM:
What to look for, what to look for...(Let's see who knows who I'm quoting...)
My guess is that you have to marry a sinner, as there is simply nothing else available to marry...
So if you have to pick, perhaps "deep respect and unselfish kindness" would be pleasant to live with...
57. Sarah had the following to say on Jan 30 at 4:38 AM:
A question that has been nagging me since I began reading this blog. I guess I'm somewhat confused as to the primary audience that is reading this. There seem to be a lot of un-singles out there that post on this and give their comments and advice. While I truly welcome all perspectives, sometimes I wish the discussions were more about those of us in the midst of singleness, rather than those that have been there and done that. In other words, sometimes I just want to type out my frustrations and have someone say, I get it, I struggle with that too, rather than the banter back and forth about whether I'm right or wrong.
Regarding the focus on marriage, I get it. But there sometimes seems to be an overwhelming emphasis. From what I've read (exerpt below) from the "About Us" on this website, the focus of this ministry is to be "from college to career to relationships". I guess I just wish everyone would realize some of us need some attention to the college and career part of your mission too.
From college to career to relationships, we at Boundless want to cast a vibrant vision for the single years, helping you navigate this season while preparing for the challenges and responsibilities of the one to come. That requires living intentionally with purpose by bringing your gifts, talents and Christian worldview to bear on your whole life.
58. Paul had the following to say on Jan 30 at 8:32 AM:
**applauding farmer Tom**
Everything in life is a trade-off. When women spend their youth persuing education and career rather that preparing to be Godly wives and mothers, naturally the longer they wait, the more options they lose. You can't just fall back on, "Well, if it's God's will for my life, He'll bring me a husband when I'm 40." There are real consequences to our choices in life.
59. Ariana had the following to say on Jan 30 at 9:14 AM:
Stanhope,
I think that your implication that Motte doesn't deeply desire his wife is unnecessary. The truth is that many (if not most) people could build a good relationship with several different people--and find many different people attractive, married or not. That's not an innovative thought. Were attraction enough to hold people together, the committment of marriage wouldn't be needed.
I think that Motte's words are on point. He said that you have to choose and stick with that decision. That doesn't mean that you pick just anyone who comes along. You make an active decision, which assumes that you are going to choose someone who you would rather be with more than all others, since you have the freedom to decide.
60. Tami had the following to say on Jan 30 at 9:44 AM:
Farmer Tom, I'm not desiring to debate or deny the importance of the family in God's eyes at all when I say this, but: I'm not willing to elevate the family above the one Church, the Bride of Christ. In several passages Jesus tells us to be ready to leave our natural family for the work of the Kingdom and the Cross, and that His "mother, brothers, and sisters" are not His natural family alliances, but those who do the will of His Father. To me these statements show His priorities. (However, in most cases, our work *is* to honor and work within our families, and in many cases, though of course not all, our "natural family" is part of our "spiritual family".)
Now, if you mean that people shouldn't put the work of their (local) church above their family -- and shouldn't devote more time to the church than they do to their own homes -- THAT, I totally agree with.
61. Jo had the following to say on Jan 30 at 10:04 AM:
To farmer Tom and Paul:
"When women spend their youth persuing education and career rather that preparing to be Godly wives and mothers, naturally the longer they wait, the more options they lose. You can't just fall back on, "Well, if it's God's will for my life, He'll bring me a husband when I'm 40." There are real consequences to our choices in life."
Where are the men in this? What is your view on men pursuing careers? Perhaps both sexes should simply forget about college and take the first job they can get, so they can concentrate on getting ready for marriage and finding a spouse. Of course if everyone did that your wonderful economy would collapse. Why is it okay for men to have a career but not for women? Why is it possible for men to pursue career and marriage at the same time but not women?
Before you reply, I get that if a woman invests everything in her education at the expense of all else, she is demonstrating her priorities. I also get that certain careers are more 'corporate' and demand more time, commitment etc, and I even get your implication that a woman in a job like this would not be in the best position to raise a family. I believe a mother should (wherever possible) stay at home with her kids for at least their first year, ideally longer. I'm not a feminist, and I don't believe women who choose not to pursue a career are wasting their potential.
However, I do believe that pursuing a career is not always about money, glamour, high-flying and self-sufficiency. The 'career' I'm studying for is currently taking up a fair amount of time and quite a lot of money, but when I graduate I will be qualified to benefit people with a huge range of needs: disabled, autistic, mentally ill, terminally ill, traumatised, sufferers of dementia, emotional problems, prisoners, the list goes on. I will not be earning a crazily high salary for doing this. It's also a career that can be full-time or part-time, where I could work for an organisation or for myself - in other words a career that could quite easily fit in with family life.
It is NOT a choice of 'career or family'. It is perfectly possible to be pursuing a career while at the same time preparing for marriage. That doesn't mean that all women with careers are pursuing marriage, but please don't make it sound as if the two are mutually exclusive.
Are the men going to become nurses, care-workers, primary school teachers? A few, yes. But I think you'll find that the overwhelming majority in all these professions are women, and if you'd like them to continue to serve your society, it might be wise to start valuing their contribution.
62. Trevor D had the following to say on Jan 30 at 10:49 AM:
Regarding the "should women be heading up the corporate ladder and demanding a husband at the same time" question (which I admit is a paraphrase :) ), we really need to remember the set of options available to girls making such choices.
If you take the view that family should come first, then you have to come up with a way of providing the 17-year-old girl looking at college options with a way to actually, realistically, choose marriage and family! Their experience is likely to be that no serious suitors have ever approached them, nor anyone else they know.
Given that, choosing to start down the path towards being self-supporting is perfectly sensible; in fact, they would be roundly criticised by most people for _not_ doing so. Heading up the career ladder is a very sensible choice; relying on non-existent potential husbands to support them is not.
To provide such a choice, the girls must have (and know they have) the option of saying "yes" to men who can marry and support them and any future children. The implications of this normally drive everybody away from the whole thought-chain above, as it necessitates the men in question being slightly older, which is not a popular idea in the west right now.
However, unless the choice is made available, girls are going to continue to choose paths that cause discussions like the one above.
Thoughts? Disagreements? Alternatives?
63. Scott W had the following to say on Jan 30 at 10:49 AM:
Great post. I've thought this many times myself. First off, it's important to recognize that this is an issue that mostly affects Western culture, unlike many eastern cultures where arranged marriage is still the norm.
So we're taught by the culture all our lives that that there's one right person. That's problematic on so many fronts. First, there's always the mental checklist that comes out whenever something happens with the other person that doesn't suit my ideal just so. When we marry that "soul mate" and problem issues pop up in marriage, we fall back to the lazy "I must not have married the right person" clause in the marriage agreement. I think it's interesting that some of these online matchmaking sites are now trying to help couples they have helped match with soul mates who have turned out to be sinners after all.
Secondly, the idea that there is one person perfectly matched to me sure takes the pressure off me. We recently ran a quote on our Culture Watch blog from Steven Covey, who said it quite well. "I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person." He goes on to say that whether you married the right person or not is primarily up to you. As husbands, we're charged with the responsibility of caring for an nourishing our wives to be all God has called them to be. If I'm too busy focusing on my wife's incompatibility, I'm missing the point that a lot of my wife's character comes from how we build up each other.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 23 years. I'm like Motte: I might have settled for many other women, since I'm a pretty flexible person whose love language is serving. For the more exacting person, it might be a harder fit at first, but it's all about what happens after the vows. I'm committed to Ellie, and no one else has my heart. I'm committed to making her the right one for me, and even more so, to making myself the right one for her.
64. Motte had the following to say on Jan 30 at 10:56 AM:
Jacob:
I think my post is perfectly consistent with reformed theology. =) If a man is so resolved, I am certain that the choice he makes is within God's providence. However, he would be wise to make it in keeping with biblical principles.
Here are some question to consider that I've written about previously:
Now, as to the claims about this being a blanket statement for all men. It is not. I don't doubt that there are some who've never been affected by the often debilitating "soul mate" mentality that the "old head" Connie writes about. But that wasn't my experience when I was young and foolish. And it hasn't been my experience with older single men. In my observation, they've exhibited the same illigimate fears expressed in the post.
65. Fran had the following to say on Jan 30 at 10:57 AM:
So while men are in the process 'choosing the right one', what are women suppose to do with their time?
66. Jessi had the following to say on Jan 30 at 11:02 AM:
I'm not going to lie... I resent the implication in recent posts that my choice to get an education means that I don't want to get married and have children. I'm earning a degree because I prayed about college and God told me to go. If I have prayed and God had told me "DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY: INSTEAD, GO YE INTO ALL THE WORLD AND PURSUE A HUSBAND", I probably would have done that instead, although the Bible seems to encourage men to do the pursuing.
I'm a friendly, open, reasonably attractive, solid Christian woman who happens to be earning a degree. When I get married, I also plan to stay at home with my children.
Being a godly wife and mother doesn't preclude going to college... as if God can't teach you anything if you're not sitting at home darning your stockings.
67. Lynne had the following to say on Jan 30 at 11:32 AM:
Once again, as I read the blog hear, the longer the talk continues, the more black/white and legalistic it tends to become. Behaviors, somehow become markers of priorities and spiritual health (I, female, am educated and thinking about a career, thus, I am laying the groundwork for being a bad mother).
But, I'm going to leave that tempting target alone, and instead commend Motte on his wonderful column. My husband and I frequently comment that had we married someone else (as we each had opportunities to do), it would simply mean a different set of fights....not more or less happines. I personally don't believe this diminishes the sovereignty of God, but continues to demonstrate his control and interest in our lives.
Just my .02
68. Sara had the following to say on Jan 30 at 11:34 AM:
Wow, Motte, how does your wife feel hearing that she is just one of many you could have married rather than being the love of your life? If my husband said that about me, I'd be pretty devestated.
I dated guys before marrying my wonderful husband and though there were plenty of them that I got along with, none of them ever "brought the butterflies"- that is until I met my husband. Suddenly, all that stuff I'd always heard about "being in love" was happening for me! On top of that we got along, and shared goals and values. This is the man God intended for me to marry. I shudder to think of the wonderful experience I would have missed out on had I settled for one of those "ok" guys.
Love is not just a feeling nor is it just a choice- it is both and I believe BOTH must be present for a good marriage. Don't get married just to get married! As one poster quoted above "Don't marry someone you (think you) can live with. Marry someone you can't live without."
69. Paul had the following to say on Jan 30 at 11:34 AM:
"I think my post is perfectly consistent with reformed theology. =) If a man is so resolved, I am certain that the choice he makes is within God's providence."
But Motte, by Reformed theology, everything that happens is "God's providence." So, if a believer violates Scripture by marrying a non-believer, or if a man never gets married because he just never looks for a wife, that was all "God's providence," too.
70. Christina had the following to say on Jan 30 at 11:52 AM:
Sara...
How special would you feel if you were destined for someone and the person who was marrying you was marrying you because you were the only logical choice.
I mean...your his soul mate, right? There is no other one, right? I mean, there's no risk in this because its obvious...I mean, look...your freckles on your cheek spell out his initials...you are obviously who God created for him.
Now...put you against all these other choices that work. And the guy looks from one to the other to the next and sees you. You don't stick out from the crowd, you aren't any better or worse than the one next to you...but he chose YOU. He decided he would take a risk in loving you and you alone, not because he's certain that you are the one, but because he WANTS you to be the one.
Now feel special and loved.
71. Jo had the following to say on Jan 30 at 11:53 AM:
farmer Tom said: "Oh, well, I never claimed to be a scholar, just an ignorant farmer"
I'm starting to like you. :)
72. Tami had the following to say on Jan 30 at 11:57 AM:
But I think that in Reformed theology, God would never violate His own will (revealed, particular, or otherwise) -- so in the situation of a believer marrying an unbeliever, that person would have been said to have exercised their will *in violation of* God's will, and God could have had no part in that, even though He foreknew it. Am I correct? I think there are even different Reformed positions on this. Someone who's *actually* Reformed (i.e., not me -- got a little too much of Wesley in me ;) can elaborate. :)
On the topic of the post... yeah, I'm not so sure I'd like to hear "I could've chosen a bunch of women, but you were good enough, and you said yes, so here we are." As Sara said, there are many guys I suppose I *could have* married (that is, given the opportunity, or their interest!), but there will be only one that is meant to be my husband. Not expecting Mr. Perfect, but Mr. Ordained for Me.
73. Jeni had the following to say on Jan 30 at 12:01 PM:
I don’t know if you’re forced to be inside today and will get to read my reply, farmer Tom, but the comments of yesterday sure got me thinking.
Though I frequent fast food restaurants (I smuggle in spouts and greens, so that I can munch them instead of the delicious french fries that tempt me to fall of the diet wagon. It wouldn’t do to actually EAT at the fast food place because I’d gain weight and that would further impede my ability to attract the opposite sex and that would roadblock my journey even more), so far none of the kindly gentlemen happily devouring their double bacon cheeseburgers have asked for my phone number.
Though, not an active NRA member at this time, I am very willing to develop new hobbies – ie: shooting and guns. I like football, steak and pickups. I think I even like internal combustion engines. ;-) I guess I don’t fit into the large metropolitan-mega-church-shopping-coffee-house-girl box to which I’ve been assigned.
I do actually attend a mega-church, something that occurred to me yesterday is that maybe there are too many great Christian women to choose from! If I had a quarter for how many times I’ve been told I’m “great”, I could tour Europe. So, I’m guessing that I am one among many great Christian women. Maybe it is time for me to consider a church of less than a 100 people.
There is a lot for a girl to think about and consider in this journey.
74. Motte had the following to say on Jan 30 at 12:19 PM:
Sara and Tami:
Regardless of your insulting insinuations, I don't feel the need to justify my love and devotion to my wife. I'll just say that it is extremely naive -- and I would say dangerous -- to believe there's only one person in the world you could love. As Ravi Zacharias wrote, love is act of the will as much as the emotion.
75. Jeni had the following to say on Jan 30 at 12:21 PM:
I don’t know if you’re forced to be inside today and will see this comment, farmer Tom, but the comments of yesterday sure got me thinking.
Though I frequent fast food restaurants (I smuggle in spouts and greens, so that I can munch them instead of the delicious french fries that tempt me to fall of the diet wagon. It wouldn’t do to actually EAT at the fast food place because I’d gain weight and that would impede my ability to attract the opposite sex and that would roadblock my journey even more), so far none of the kindly gentlemen happily