Resigned to Singleness? by Candice Watters on 01/03/2008 at 4:53 PM

ChristianSinglesToday.com is featuring an article to help single readers gain perspective on their unmarried state. Entitled Singleness' Seven-Year-Itch, it raises the possibility that maybe singles get to the point in their singleness where it's no longer routine to do the "I love living alone dance."

The author writes,

Laying here in the dark [on the floor, listening to a CD], I start to wonder if there's a singleness parallel to the much-discussed seven-year itch married people supposedly get. In the same way that marriages can be good and fine and yet stale and flat if left unnurtured over the years, I wonder if there's a similar phenomenon on this side of the altar.

At one point she describes herself looking up and spying a clock. It's no longer keeping time. She wonders if it's a sign,

From my vantage point on the floor, I glance up at the clock on my coffee table and realize it's stopped. It's the second clock in my home that's stopped this week, and it feels downright symbolic. Time standing still. I realize that lately singleness has felt like spinning my wheels. Like being stuck in a rut.

Thankfully, this isn't the end of the article. She encourages single readers to get out of the rut by asking themselves "what am I putting on hold?", "what am I saying about my singleness?", "what am I taking for granted?", and "what of this staleness do I simply need to push through?" The antidotes she offers are embracing opportunities now, stopping speaking negatively about being single, practicing gratitude and contentment, and persevering. All good suggestions based on biblical truths.

What bothers me about this article, though, is the feeling I get that the author is more resigned to being single than she is hopeful for marriage. I know the passage of time, especially a decade or more, can make it that much harder to believe marriage is still possible. But that's the essence of faith. And in addition to faith, we have many practical and biblical reasons to believe God is still in the business of making good matches.

Yes, singles should make the most of life today. But that includes a lot more than not bad mouthing being single, volunteering at a downtown mission and journaling about a great new shade of nail polish. It means "good mouthing" marriage -- speaking highly of and honoring the relationship God designed between the sexes. It means being intentional about the time they do spend dating and befriending members of the opposite sex. It means being a faithful steward and faithful disciple. Doing all this, in the midst of community, has the benefit not only of helping you feel less bad and even content with being single, it makes it more likely that you'll get married.

As much as singles want advice for getting out of the singleness rut, wouldn't it be even better to offer those who still hope to marry, advice for helping it happen?

Resigned to Singleness? by Candice Watters on 01/03/2008 at 4:53 PM

ChristianSinglesToday.com is featuring an article to help single readers gain perspective on their unmarried state. Entitled Singleness' Seven-Year-Itch, it raises the possibility that maybe singles get to the point in their singleness where it's no longer routine to do the "I love living alone dance."

The author writes,

Laying here in the dark [on the floor, listening to a CD], I start to wonder if there's a singleness parallel to the much-discussed seven-year itch married people supposedly get. In the same way that marriages can be good and fine and yet stale and flat if left unnurtured over the years, I wonder if there's a similar phenomenon on this side of the altar.

At one point she describes herself looking up and spying a clock. It's no longer keeping time. She wonders if it's a sign,

From my vantage point on the floor, I glance up at the clock on my coffee table and realize it's stopped. It's the second clock in my home that's stopped this week, and it feels downright symbolic. Time standing still. I realize that lately singleness has felt like spinning my wheels. Like being stuck in a rut.

Thankfully, this isn't the end of the article. She encourages single readers to get out of the rut by asking themselves "what am I putting on hold?", "what am I saying about my singleness?", "what am I taking for granted?", and "what of this staleness do I simply need to push through?" The antidotes she offers are embracing opportunities now, stopping speaking negatively about being single, practicing gratitude and contentment, and persevering. All good suggestions based on biblical truths.

What bothers me about this article, though, is the feeling I get that the author is more resigned to being single than she is hopeful for marriage. I know the passage of time, especially a decade or more, can make it that much harder to believe marriage is still possible. But that's the essence of faith. And in addition to faith, we have many practical and biblical reasons to believe God is still in the business of making good matches.

Yes, singles should make the most of life today. But that includes a lot more than not bad mouthing being single, volunteering at a downtown mission and journaling about a great new shade of nail polish. It means "good mouthing" marriage -- speaking highly of and honoring the relationship God designed between the sexes. It means being intentional about the time they do spend dating and befriending members of the opposite sex. It means being a faithful steward and faithful disciple. Doing all this, in the midst of community, has the benefit not only of helping you feel less bad and even content with being single, it makes it more likely that you'll get married.

As much as singles want advice for getting out of the singleness rut, wouldn't it be even better to offer those who still hope to marry, advice for helping it happen?

Comments

[1. Tami said the following at 5:39 PM on Jan 3:]

1

Candice - unfortunately that's the tone I've noticed in a lot of CT's female-authored singles newsletters. I find they bring me down, to the point where I've felt convicted to stop reading them.

I know there's no guarantee that I'll get married, but I'd rather have my faith stretched and learn to be "importunate in prayer," than carry a heavy weight of resignation around with me. If that prayer doesn't get answered, at least I'm learning how to petition a loving, giving God who supplies my every need, and growing in my relationship with Him.

I wonder if Camerin Courtney visits this site?

(That said, I've also read articles on other blogs that on the one hand shame me for being single, AND at the same time tell me I'm "idolatrous" because I deeply desire to be married!)

[2. Elizabeth said the following at 7:00 PM on Jan 3:]

2

First of all thank you for your various posts. They are quite thought provoking.
I would have to say I disagree with your comments about CT's post. I found the article authentic and very encouraging. The author wrote that article during a particular season in her life, two years ago. She has written various other articles sharing her very honest struggles about her life as a single woman, a life that many single women can relate to. I do not believe that she has resigned to being single, she is simply being content in all things. Is that not what we are called to be as Christians? Aren't we also called to be thankful for all things, even singleness(as we wait and trust), even if our longing is left unfulfilled?
I desire to be married and am praying for a man of God's own heart. But the reality is that God has called me to live--today-- now with all its ups and downs as a single woman. I have not resigned nor am I hiding away in my apartment. I am trusting in the Lord, while doing what He's called me to me pursue. I do have faith that He will answer, in meantime I am called to live the abundant life He desires for me.

[3. Adam said the following at 7:08 PM on Jan 3:]

3

Candace,

While I agree that it is good to pray for someone to get a spouse, I think it must always be done remembering that God is sovereign over our lives. That is, there is nothing we can do to "make it more likely" that it will happen. Such a statement makes it sound like whether or not someone will get married is a role of the dice, and that it is partly up to us.

However, if God wants someone to serve them as single for the rest of their lives, then he knows what is best for them, no matter how much that person may desire to marry. They will remain single no matter what they do. God can certainly use human actions [which he also ordains] to bring a spouse to someone, but he is under no obligation to do so.

I think this is a big problem for Christian singles. Many of them think that if they just "Get Serious About Getting Married," God will somehow be obligated to give them a spouse, or, at least, make it more likely that God will give them a spouse. The thing we have to remember is that God's plan for our lives is better than anything we could ever imagine. The Bible calls his will "good, pleasing, and perfect" [Romans 12:2]. Paul also goes on in Ephesians to say that God "Works all things after the council of his will" [Ephesians 1:11]. The question therefore becomes whether or not, if God does say "no" to our pursuits, we are willing to trust him in his "good, pleasing, and perfect will."

Thus, I would say it is not a role of the dice, and not dependent upon us at all. People always can, will, and should pursue relationships with those in whom they are interested, but God has the ultimate say in whether or not that pursuit will be successful. That is something that we need to recognize.

It is also something for which I am glad. It is comforting to know that God is in control of my life, and that things will always work out for my good, with or without marriage [Romans 8:28]. It is something in which I believe all singles need to take comfort.

God Bless,
Adam

[4. Jennifer E. Jones said the following at 7:51 PM on Jan 3:]

4

Personally, I've resigned to stop reading singles articles. Now that I'm rounding the base towards 30, I've read every kind of "enjoy your singleness" article and book there is, and they're all the same.

I want to read about where to meet guys and how to make a marriage work. I want to learn the skills I'll need to be a good wife.

I'm with Candice on this one. At this stage, I'd rather work towards making it in the Major League instead of celebrating life in the Minors.

[5. dana111 said the following at 9:54 PM on Jan 3:]

5

Long post ahead. I have some questions that I have decided to propose during this post. If anyone is annoyed, I apologize. If anyone wants to answer my concerns, that would be great!! There are so many examples of married couples in the Bible. Which couples in the Bible are shown wondering if it was God's will for them to marry? Did Ruth and Boaz, Abraham and Sara, Hosea and his wife (God actually commanded him to marry his wife), Mary and Joseph? What about Proverbs 18:22- "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord"? We are supposed to live our lives sola scriptura, by scripture alone. Yet, why, when it comes to marriage, we don't want to pay attention the the biblical passages that directly relate to scripture. 1 Corinthians 7 is a whole entire chapter about marriage. Paul does commend living a life of celebacy (and, I believe if a man or a woman feels called to celibacy, they should neither date nor flirt with members of the opposite sex... just my opinion), yet he does acknowledge that his feelings concerning people staying unmarried are his opinions, not commands from God. He openly acknowledges that the desire for sex is important, important enough to marry. We always talk about God's will. Yes, doing God's will is the most imporant thing a follower of Christ can do. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul does advises the Corinthians to remain in the states in which they were called. I have seen this admonition used to justify why singles should not seek marriage. However, Paul tells slaves that while they shouldn't worry about not being free, if they are able to become free, they should rather do that. Can/should we use this same logic in regards to marriage?? In verse 28 of Chapter 7, Paul says "But if you should marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin shoud marry, she has not sinned." Paul doesn't say anything about "waiting on the Lord." He tells men and women plainly, yes, marriage will be difficult, especially at this present moment. But, if you want to marry and do marry, it's okay. In verse 36, Paul tells men that if they feel as though they are "acting unbecomingly towards his virgin (from what I have read, it has been debated historically if the word "virgin" means a betrothed man's fiancee or a father's virgin daughter), if she should be of full age, and if it must be so, let him DO WHAT HE WISHES, he DOES NOT SIN; let her marry." In verse 39, Paul tells a widow is FREE TO BE MARRIED TO WHOM SHE WISHES, only in the Lord, of course. There are so many instances in Paul's letters in which he refers to waiting on the Lord and seeking God's will. Adam in his earlier post pointed to two great passages of scripture, Romans 12:2 and Ephesians 1:11. Paul could have easily told the unmarried people that there singleness was "God's will" and they should be content. But, unless I am reading something wrong or my theology is off, Paul doesn't use that language in 1 Corinthians 7. The majority of the chapter is his opinion. Why didn't Paul use the same language in 1 Corinthians 7 as he did in Romans and Hebrews?? We are so afraid of making mistakes, so afraid of somehow "missing God's will" and moving ahead of his timing. If we believe in the supremacy of God and adhere to the Calvinistic view of God's will, could we say that if a man wants to marry, proposes to a girl, and she says yes, that is what God wanted in the first place? Why are we so afraid of marriage that we even question a person's desire to pray for it??? Personally, I have stopped pretending that I don't want marriage and children. I have stopped being intimidated into denying my desires, and I have stopped allowing people to make me feel that it is better for me as a woman to strive for more education or a better job or a more lucrative career opportunity than to hope and pray for marriage and family.

[6. Darin said the following at 11:02 PM on Jan 3:]

6

Are we talking about people who are truly content being single? If so then we should not discourage their gift.

Are we talking about singles who have surrendered to God something that they have stressed out over for far too long already? Then far be it from me to tell them they should take it back on their own shoulders.

On the other hand...

Are we talking about singles who have become masters of denial about their desire for marriage? Are we talking about people who are using the "I'm just waiting on God" line as a smoke screen, but find/create/imagine some reason to run away from every opportunity that God sends their way?

Obviously there are two classes of "resigned" singles. The former group has found a place of contentment. The second group is living a lie and trying to suppress feelings that are bound to keep working their way back to the surface. (In my single's Bible study these became known as "single moments".)

In my opinion, these people need more than just teaching on how to find a marriage partner. They need help sorting out their feelings; they need help finding healthy coping mechanisms; and they need help putting their fears and inhibitions in perspective so that when their opportunity does come then they will be ready to sieze it.

[7. Alicia said the following at 11:37 PM on Jan 3:]

7

Hear, hear Jennifer! I really agree with your blog comments and I'm right there with you and Candace....there should be more articles about how to become the best Christian wife that a woman can be. I agree that God's Will is sovereign and that His plans for a person's life will ultimately succeed for him or her. But doesn't the Bible also say that "it's not good for man to be alone?"

My pastor pointed out that when God made this statement about Adam, Adam was enjoying a perfect fellowship with God. Adam had not sinned and broken fellowship yet and was, in fact, perfect. The Bible says that God "walked in the Garden" and "called out" to Adam. God was also the One that brought all the animals before him to name.

God and Adam shared a perfect communication and relationship with one another....yet....

....yet God still saw something that wasn't right.

In all of God's creation, He declared, "It is good." God never lies. He saw it and declared it good. Yet...

...yet, in all of His creation, He saw Adam and saw something that was NOT good...and declared it as such.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I find it interesting that God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve. He could have made her from the dust, just like He created Adam. Yet, God decided to create Eve from a piece of Adam. Adam saw Eve and declared, "This is bone of MY bone and flesh of MY flesh."

Without that rib, Adam was not complete. Eve was that missing piece.

I think that it's similar to the Church. Technically, we don't need other people. We're supposed to be 100% reliant on God, because only God can ultimately fulfill our deepest desires. Yet God CHOOSES to make Himself known through the Church, His Bride. Our fulfillment comes through God alone, but I believe that He often reveals Himself to us through other people.

Take Jesus for instance. He didn't need to be born to earthly parents. He was perfect. He was the Son of God. He relied on God while He was here on earth. Yet...(hahaha, here comes that "yet" again)...

...yet...Jesus relied on Mary and Joseph to raise Him as He grew up. He relied on the woman who poured oil on Him when He was preparing to die. He allowed some women to financially support Him and the disciples in their ministry. He, the perfect Son of God, relied on His three closest friends and disciples to pray for Him in His darkest hour. Jesus had a perfect relationship with God, yet He still relied on others to get through this life as a human being.

I think that God designed it that way. God Himself is a "community"--three in one, the Holy Trinity. I believe that He also created people to be in fellowship with one another....and like Adam, He creates many people to be married...to find that "missing piece" in another person. Not that the person can fully fullfill every hope and desire in your heart, because that person is flawed, just like every other human being.

But God will still work through your future spouse as a way of displaying His love to you, just like He does in other friendships, etc. It's not a complete picture of His love for us (because only He can fully display it), but they are bits and pieces of it--reminders of His great love for us.

I personally feel like God is working on/in different aspects of my life to get me ready for marriage. I sometimes get discouraged because a Church that I used to attend used to teach that you shouldn't search for marriage. That God would literally bring your future spouse "right to your door." (Yah, some actually said this!) A friend of mine believes this and is still waiting for her future spouse....and she's in her 60's.

I might be wrong, but I'll go out on a limb and say it. A friend of mine and I have been discussing it lately. The Bible talks much about faith and the importance of it. But it also says that "Faith without works is dead." Meaning, the outward representation of your faith is found in what you do. Works won't save you. Only faith will. But faith will show itself and "materialize" in the works that we do. So....just a thought...maybe God wants us, not only to believe in Him for marriage, but to also put yourself in a position where you can find someone. To do the "works" part that stems from your faith in finding a spouse.

I dunno, what do you think? These are my thoughts, I'd love to hear what others say.

--Alicia

PS: Sorry for being a little (or a lot!) long-winded. Sometimes when I start writing I can't stop).

PPS:
You are an amazing writer Candace! Still one of my favorites! Thank you so much for giving so many of us women hope in the dream of marriage. :)

[8. Alicia said the following at 11:46 PM on Jan 3:]

8

One more comment...I almost forgot...

Why do people automatically assume that God's answer is going to be "no?"

The Bible says that marriage itself is good ("He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing.") Peter himself was married (Jesus healed his mother-in-law of a fever, remember?)

Aren't we supposed to pray in faith?

I think about the woman with the issue of blood in the Bible. She reached out in faith and touched Jesus--took something in faith that her heart desired (to be healed) and was healed as a result. She could have stepped back and said, "Well, if God reaaallly wants to heal me, then He will. But I'll leave that up to Him."

No, I think that she reached out in faith, because she figured she had nothing to lose. She had tried everything else. God IS sovereign and He won't give us something if it's bad for us.

But isn't it wrong to automatically assume that God's answer is going to be "no?" before we even ask Him for it?

Marriage in and of itself is not wrong. The Bible declares that it is good. The Bible also says that it's not good for man to be alone. Based on these two premises, it appears to me that God would be more willing to bless a person's desire for marriage than He would be to turn them away from it.

Maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm right, but wouldn't it be safe to seek God for a compatible spouse and to reach out for it than to sit back and just wait? Doesn't the Bible say to knock and keep knocking?

Marriage appears to be Godly and Good if it's sought under the Lord's guidance....don't you think that we should pursue it in a Godly way and that if it's wrong God will lovingly stop us and tell us that He has a different plan for our lives?

Shouldn't we try (because there is nothing inherently wrong with it) until we hear God say no?

Just another little (ok, long) thought. :)

--Alicia

[9. DannieA said the following at 12:18 AM on Jan 4:]

9

Be content with today...for tomorrow may never come. How is it honoring God to live a "woe is me" i'm not married life instead of vibrantly seeking to glorify Him everyday regarding of your marital status?

[10. Louise said the following at 5:43 AM on Jan 4:]

10

Hey, folks, the grass is always greener!

[11. Anna said the following at 6:43 AM on Jan 4:]

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I don't feel strongly about what she was saying. I just relate to it. And I think it's okay to sometimes just talk about being content with your singleness, without always ending in talking about marriage. I do believe marriage should be held in high regard, but that doesn't mean you always have to end with that when you're struggling with being discontent as a single.

Thanks for the thoughts... I always appreciate the way Boundless discusses these issues.

[12. obewan said the following at 6:57 AM on Jan 4:]

12

Jennifer wrote:

"I'd rather work towards making it in the Major League instead of celebrating life in the Minors."

I think the apostle Paul would take issue with your statement. He clearly said it is BETTER to remain single. Your statement suggests that you regard singles as second class citizens. In reality, in Christian service (which counts for everything), Paul says that singles are better equipped to serve the Lord (in the major leagues).

[13. Carrie (the original) said the following at 7:57 AM on Jan 4:]

13

You know, I think most of cotemporary Christianity has the attitude of "just be content in your singleness" attitude. It's the "just be content where ever you are at now" that has Christians in a catch-22 though. Lately, in general (not specifically my single status), I've been struggling with this attitude. You see, if we aren't content, then we tend to be grumbling and complaining. This is ungrateful attitude which Scripture teaches is an ungodly thing.
However, if we seek to be content where we are then there is a very real possibility that we fall into the sin of laziness. We get comfortable in our circumstances and they can become an idol.
Times like this make me extremely glad I am not male. It seems like it would be 10x times harder when it comes to relationship decisions.

[14. a sassy sister said the following at 8:26 AM on Jan 4:]

14

Do you know what I would love to see?

Singles not complaining about their status but doing what God is instructing them to do RIGHT NOW. Although that includes being intentional about marriage, being mentored by mature, married women in the faith with HEALTHY relationships, marriage should NOT be our only focus. My purpose for being on this earth is fulfill the Great Commission---to glorify God and draw others to Christ. Marriage is ONE WAY to do that, but it is NOT THE ONLY WAY. Let's not get it twisted, people. If you base your ultimate satisfaction, value, purpose, existence, and meaning on being married, then your focus is WRONG, because when that marriage experiences trouble, your foundation will be shaken. Do I want to be married? Absolutely. Am I taking proactive steps to remove barriers to being married? Absolutely. But I am not letting the desire to be married override my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY: TO LOVE GOD TOTALLY AND OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS! Marriage may be one of those commandments, but it is NOT THE ONLY ONE! Please note that the two commandments the law is filled by begins with LOVING GOD with all your heart FIRST!

I would also love to see others stop trying to stop delegating singles to second class citizens because they're not married by a certain age. I would love for singles and marrieds to drop their preconceived notions and prejudices about each other and help each other. WE ARE THE BODY OF CHRIST! Can we please act like a healthy family and stop trying to bash each other so much? Singles could learn a lot from marrieds, and marrieds could understand that their marriages are bigger than their own individual needs, and serve a greater purpose. Ultimately, this should be about advancing the kingdom of God, not "getting my needs" met.

No matter whether I'm 27 or 87, I'm going to love God and serve Him, whether or not I marry or not. THAT IS MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. Marriage is on the list, but it is NOT at the top. While this may be a "both" or "and" scenario when it comes to singleness or marriage, I would love to see marrieds and singles actually petition God out of pure motives. While I believe we should pray to God for the things that we need, we need to be sure that the things in our heart we ask for God in prayer are things that in proper order of priority. We also need to be honest about what is motivating our desires---whether it is loving obedience and a desire to please God or a desire to satisfy solely our own needs.

[15. Adam said the following at 8:48 AM on Jan 4:]

15

dana111,

I don't disagree with what you said. If a guy asks a girl to marry him, she says yes, and they get married, then it was God's will.

However, what happens when someone is interested in someone of the opposite sex, and they say no? Then what do you do? What happens if you have been trying for years and years and nothing happens? Are we to somehow say that God made a mistake by not causing these pursuits to be successful? Or did God know that it would be better for you if you wait longer?

Not only that, but what happens if you try all of these things, and you don't ever get married? Then what? Do you loathe your state, and somehow think that you are entitled to a spouse when it may be that God has decided that it would be better for you to live a single life? Obviously, that would be problematic.

What I am trying to get across is that, in both of these situations [whether God says "wait," or "no"], we need to trust him that he is working our lives out for the good. Thus, whether we get married or not, is completely in his hands, and we can trust him that he will do what is best for us in terms of our marital state at the present time. Should we pursue marriage if we desire it? Most definately. However, it is God who will ultimately decide whether or not that pursuit is successful, and we need to trust him no matter what answer he gives to our prayers.

I think that Jesus sums it up well:

Matthew 6:25-34 "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 "And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 "But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 "Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' 32 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

If this can said of some of the essentals of our life [food and clothes], then how much more can it be said of something that is not essential to our life?

God Bless,
Adam

[16. Jeni said the following at 9:55 AM on Jan 4:]

16

I appreciated your post Candace. You’ve eloquently stated many of my thoughts about my journey. Thank you!

It appears to me that it’s easy to fall into "resignation" about all areas of life and call it "contentedness". If we label it “contentedness”, then it’s got a Christian stamp of approval.

Also, I think it is possible to thoroughly take advantage of every opportunity God brings your way in singleness while praying for marriage and being intentional in action regarding your hope for marriage. In fact, I would submit that praying in faith, God’s Providence and taking intentional steps to fulfill the desires that He has put in our hearts are not mutually exclusive. I’d like to pray in Faith, intentionally take steps that may lead me closer marriage and submit to God Providence as He reveals His will all at the same time.

[17. Lucie said the following at 10:11 AM on Jan 4:]

17

Let's make sure that when we're quoting the Apostle Paul on singleness (i.e., where he "clearly said it was better to be single") that we don't forget the oft-omitted section of that verse that refers to the "present time of trouble" which led him to say that.

[18. Childless single woman said the following at 11:06 AM on Jan 4:]

18

Adam - Why do you insist on saying that God is not "obligated" to give anyone a spouse?
God is not "obligated" to heal, but we know from Scripture that it is His will that we be healed.
Still, we know not everyone is healed. This may be for a variety of reasons, which may not be revealed this side of heaven.
There is sin in the world, and that means that God's will is not always what happens on earth.
Likewise, it is possible that some who desire marriage, may not get married at all.
This doesn't mean that they have to lead a life of bitterness, any more than someone who is not healed. Contentment in the Lord, however, is different to contentment with a bad situation.
A sick person doesn't need to stop prayer for healing, or cease trying new treatments as they become avaliable, any more than someone who gets turned down or rejected, doesn't need to stop doing their best to get married.
The primary causes of protracted singleness are sin:
Sinful imitation of our culture, denigration of marriage, an on-going reluctance to outreach to men leaving an imbalanced ratio of men to women in the church, and false teaching such as the "gift of singleness" and "waiting on the Lord for a spouse".
We need to be co-workers with God to eliminate those sins from the Body of Christ, not waste our time wondering if it is "God's will" for us to marry, when the Bible quite clearly tells us it is.

a sassy sister: I don't understand why you get so passionate about defending a state that God himself said was "not good" and which has come about mainly through corporate and individual sin.

I would love to see the Boundless staff comment within this thread, but they don't seem to do that with posts about singleness. It seems to only be global warming where the editor feels a redirection or comment would be beneficial.

[19. Melissa D. said the following at 11:06 AM on Jan 4:]

19

I can sympathize with Camerin because many of the perks of singleness lose their charm after a while. More free time has led to loneliness. Spending money only on myself feels hollow. Not having to worry about someone else means I think mostly about myself. I take steps to alleviate these things (attending Christian events, nurturing friendships, reminding myself that marriage is in my future), but the point is that God made us relational, and if we believe we're meant to be married, it most likely is God's will. The hard part is not feeling sad about a hope deferred.

[20. Alicia said the following at 11:23 AM on Jan 4:]

20

Well, well put Dana111. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post and am encouraged by what you wrote. :)

[21. dana111 said the following at 12:05 PM on Jan 4:]

21

Adam,

Thank you for your response. I absolutely believe in praying for and waiting for God's will. My frustrations lie with singles who are so afraid to openly admit they desire marriage and with married people who tell singles to be content with our state when they have been married since the age of 18 and have never had to live a solitary life. I do believe in God's grace and that He works out everything for our good. Yet, I don't think believing that equates sucking it up and feeling ashamed of wanting marriage. And I know you are not saying that. I guess I was just frustrated with Camerin's article because, to me, she appears to be lying to herself. We should let our request be known to God, and trust His will to be done. We shouldn't try to lie to Him and tell Him that we are content with our lives when, clearly, we are not.

[22. a sassy sister said the following at 1:57 PM on Jan 4:]

22

csw, I see you're back again. I respecfully disagree with your position. God said it was not good for Adam to be alone, but God did not say it was a SIN to be single. And by the way, since you say that is a corporate and individual sin, please provide the Scriptures (IN CONTEXT OF THE ENTIRE CHAPTER)to support your position. I would also appreciate it if you could possibly further explain the solutions to this "grievous sin" that keeps singles from being married, since from your tone in this post that you are convinced you have the solution to this debate.

I also have a few follow up questions:
Where in scripture EXPLICITLY does it say that it is a SIN not to marry?

Do you believe that outreach targeted to men to make sure there are enough men to marry the women in the church is a totally pure motive to preach the gospel to them?

What do you say to those who struggle with homosexual desires and lesbianism? Is marriage a cure-all to their problems?

Do you believe EVERYONE on the planet is supposed to be married, or EVERYONE IN CHURCH THAT is physically able to bear children?

[23. Marisa said the following at 2:45 PM on Jan 4:]

23

Elizabeth-- thank you much for your last paragraph, to which I could relate:

'I desire to be married and am praying for a man of God's own heart. But the reality is that God has called me to live--today-- now with all its ups and downs as a single woman. I have not resigned nor am I hiding away in my apartment. I am trusting in the Lord, while doing what He's called me to me pursue. I do have faith that He will answer, in meantime I am called to live the abundant life He desires for me.'

Darin-- you present a dichotomy of 'resigned' singles: either people who are content in never marrying, or those who are in denial about their desire to marry.

Is it possible to be content in being single, if God deems it to be one's current situation, WHILE hoping for marriage at some point in the [near] future? That's where I find myself. No prospects materialized during college, but that doesn't mean I now think I'll never get married, nor has my desire to marry diminished. (Granted, I'm only two years out, so I haven't waited as long as some.) I am active in my church, and choose to see my life as having already begun, that is, I'm not waiting for my wedding day to start living. I have a strong desire to marry... but that desire is unfulfilled as of yet.

Being content as a single person does not mean you have to stop desiring marriage. It seems to me there is a widely held assumption that a single person is either content with being single FOREVER, or impatiently coveting marriage. Contentment means you acknowledge that desire to God, submit your thoughts and feelings to Him, steep your mind in His Word to get His perspective (aka renew your mind), and choose to trust His goodness and thank Him for His plan and His provision. And walk in faith for today, as several people have mentioned.

Any child of God can store up treasure in Heaven. Every child of God is called to obedience and a life of discipleship, whether single or married.

God created marriage to be a very good thing. It is perfectly legitimate to desire it. BUT, even if God doesn't choose it for me, will I still praise, serve, and love Him (without complaining)? That's the question I have to ask myself.

[24. Adam said the following at 2:50 PM on Jan 4:]

24

CSW,

First of all, I just leave it to the reader to decide. Do you want a world where everything is in God's control, and everything that happens is God's will which is done for his own ultimate purpose which is good pleasing and perfect? Or do you want a world where there are some things that are the result of random chance, and thus, man could make the whole world unliveable?

Secondly, you are taking Genesis 2:18 out of context. In the context, Adam has just been created [2:7], and the article+singluar contruction is used throughout [v. 7, 8, 15, and 16], and then it is repeated in verse 18. Hence, the singularity of man is being emphasized from verse 7 onward until verse 18 and yet, somehow, we get to verse 18, and all of the sudden we are talking about Adam's marital status when the entire context has been the creation and singularity of man!!!!!!!!!

Verse 18 is in the structure of a problem/solution. The problem is that Adam is in solitude. He is the only man on the planet, and God says that a state of solitude for man is "not good." Therefore, in order to solve the problem of man's solitude, he creates a wife for him.

The only way this text would apply is if someone were single and in solitude. However, given the population of the world at this point, and given the fact that most of us have families, the text is hardly relevant to our modern day state of singleness.

Adam

[25. Childless single woman said the following at 2:51 PM on Jan 4:]

25

a sassy sister: The questions you ask about the Biblical position on marriage are covered in the Debbie Maken book, “Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness”. I think you would benefit greatly by reading it. Maken does a much better of job of explaining it than I possibly could and in far greater depth.
I never said singleness was a “grievous” sin, but yes, I do believe that the protracted singleness (without a specific call to celibate service) we are seeing so much of in our current generation, is not God’s will, and the causes of it I think I outlined fairly clearly. The solutions too are not rocket science and pretty self-explanatory.
With regard to your comment about a “pure motive” for men’s outreach, I see no contradiction in fulfilling the Great Commission, and at the same time furthering God’s will for marriage. I do have a gripe with “the church” as I see so much time, energy and money being spent on women’s and children’s ministry, when actually the Biblical pattern is to outreach to men and they will then lead their whole household to Christ. I’m afraid that sometimes Christians appear afraid of real men in the world, and they are neglecting to outreach to a whole generation of men, to the detriment of the strength of the Body of Christ as a whole.
As for your other comments, briefly, no I have not said marriage is a cure-all for homosexuality, and I hope that people are not so silly as to think I am saying it is a sin if someone is physically unable to marry or have children.
Again I am struck by how passionately you defend a state that you yourself admit is undesirable.
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

[26. Adam said the following at 2:55 PM on Jan 4:]

26

dana111,

I can agree with what you are saying. I would only add that wanting to be married is the same thing as being discontent with your singleness. I view discontentment as worry, loathing, and fear concerning your state of singleness. Contentment says "I would like to be married, but I trust in God that, if I do not get married, then he knows what is best for me." If that is the case, then I don't see any reason to say that a person is discontent with their singleness.

God Bless,
Adam

[27. Charles H. said the following at 2:55 PM on Jan 4:]

27

Regarding the original post, I have a real problem with criticizing someone for being "resigned" to singleness. To me, the person being criticized was simply reflecting on how it did not appear that God was about to answer her hopes for marriage with a husband -- and commenting on how she reacted to that reality. Suggesting that she respond by telling others how wonderful marriage is seems a bit of a pat answer, and one that is unlikely to help someone in that situation.

[28. Melissa said the following at 7:17 PM on Jan 4:]

28

Camerin Courtney writes from her experience, so I wouldn't expect her to end an article with advice on how to "help marriage happen." I appreciate her authentic and vulnerable voice.

A more provocative article by Camerin, as far as "resignation" is concerned (also from 2005) is http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind51207.html.

[29. Jennifer said the following at 8:57 PM on Jan 4:]

29

Alicia asks: "Why do people automatically assume that God's answer is going to be 'no?' The Bible says that marriage itself is good."

Alicia, I think you've hit the nail on the head, as far as identifying a sinister self-fulfilling prophesy that has been placed in the hearts and minds of modern Christian singles: the idea that if I want something (rather than just going with the flow of what God wants for me, getting clear direction from him about "His personal plan for ME"), then I'm sinning. So then, desire becomes a sin, rather than a divine design, and everything you want becomes something "selfish"! But as Dana points out, the Bible never talks about marriage this way, so neither should we.

Nor do the scriptures say anything to the effect of: "if God wants someone to serve them as single for the rest of their lives, then he knows what is best for them, no matter how much that person may desire to marry. They will remain single no matter what they do." Even if that is so, such a teaching does not inspire Godly effort, but passivity and ambivilence, as we've seen for the past few decades of bad teachings to singles. It's not in the Bible, because it lacks inspiration.

Another error is assuming that if something happens or doesn't happens it's "God's will" and therefore pleasing to God AND His personal plan for your life and therefore for your own good, even though the Bible doesn't quite say that. Even sin happens within God's sovereign will, and too many people have assumed that because God "let them sin" that their sin was "God's will" and thus "okay". Likewise, Christians have gone headlong into marriage with people who were incompatible with them, assuming that because God didn't stop them, then their spouse was handpicked by Him, for their own good, only to end up divorced! Could such a situation simply be God letting us learn from our mistakes? Could be, and we should confess our mistakes (sins) so that we can learn from them and get right with God. But let's not get side-tracked with endless speculation!

There's a difference between saying that God works all things to our good, and saying that all things are for our own good. In the former biblical context, God's work is largely corporate and missional, rather than personal and "what's-in-it-for-me"? I think that's important to remember, because God strengthens us when we suffer as individuals, sometimes your suffering isn't always a matter of "personal transformation" or moving you to "something BETTER for me" (although it may be something better for God's ultimate purposes, which are not necessarily about you). Nor is suffering always about your sins, sometimes it's caused by someone else's! Or by no one's sin: take for example, the 2005 tsunami, a perfectly natural occurrence, that was bound to eventually occur. It would be presumptuous to assume that God willed it "for the good of the people there", as if to teach them something in their sin. When people are too loose in their proclamations of God's will, it usually results in too many assumptions about His intentions, and not enough compassion for those who suffer.

[30. Jennifer said the following at 9:12 PM on Jan 4:]

30

sassy sis,

Csw simply pointed out that God declared it "not good" for a man to be alone, a state which, she also points out, has come about for large numbers of Christian singles today, mainly through corporate and individual sin. I don't hear her declaring all singleness a sin, and I certainly haven't heard anyone here recommending marriage as a cure-all for homosexuality. People here are trying to acknowledge the corporate and individual causes (things we can actually do something about) of this pandemic of protracted singleness, hoping that in our collective confession, that God may lead us toward some solutions. Which is probably why you generally have to identify the problems before you can find the solutions. But somehow, talking about the sin-based, human causes of widespread protracted singleness in the church makes you uncomfortable. Why is that?

[31. Beth said the following at 9:30 PM on Jan 4:]

31

Life is not all about getting married! That's not the goal everyone is striving towards. I believe I can honor, worship, and celebrate God without being married or putting marriage on some pedestal. I don't like this article at all!

[32. frannie said the following at 9:31 PM on Jan 4:]

32

to a sassy sister:
Of course singleness is not a sin, anymore than marriage is a sin. But often the circumstances of our life are the PRODUCT of either obedience or sin (we call this "fruit" in the church). I say "often" and not always, because Christ himself pointed out that there are circumstances where no one sins ("who sinned, that this man was born blind?") and yet people suffer. Obedience led Christ to suffering. The theological questions of sin and choice, suffering and contentment, are enormous questions worthy of much deeper thought than we tend to give them in a blog forum.
BUT, when we see a VERY recent culture-wide phenomenon in the West of delayed marriage, sexual profligacy, the proliferation of porn, and the falling birth rate, we would be foolish to suddenly decree ourselves special from all previous generations with "special callings" to singleness that never existed before. I fear we have so super-spiritualized the search for a spouse out of the worst and most sinful of motives: fear. While the world preaches selfishness and instant gratification, the young and the perennially single in the church propagate a message of self-interest and protection with a holy twist. Our version of "safe sex" comes with a halo, as we cast stones at those who "idolize" marriage. Thus the recent offerings of CT have become increasingly focused on how to survive the single life and they have a tone of desperation. "See, I'm fulfilled. I'm in a book club. Really, I'm content. Except when I cry at night. Or have to face the office Christmas party. Or hold someone else's child and think of the children I will most likely never have. But I'm fine. I have peace."
This is not life abundantly....it may not be sin, but it isn't right, either.

[33. Mike Theemling said the following at 9:53 PM on Jan 4:]

33

I agree that it's perfectly fine (in fact good) to pursue marriage if that is what one desires. But as Adam so rightfully pointed out, there are no guarentees.

The problem of course lies in with that person who desires marriage, pursues it, yet finds matrimony eluding them. Was it God's "will"?

The fact is there are two types of "God's will". One is explicit. Meaning He wants use to actively pursue it (or not). For example, it's clear that it's God will for us to abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thess 4:3 [and others]).

The other type of will is what some would call "permissive will". Meaning God doesn't want/like it for it to happen, but allows it for some divine purpose and/or greater good. For example, I'm sure He didn't want the Holocaust to occur, but God allowed it for some reason.

Some would argue that permissive will can be the result of a punishment of sin. Although it's clear God does in fact use calamity in some instances as punishment, we must be on guard to not blame everything from 9/11 to school shootings as retribution for sin. The fact is we just often don't know.

In regards to singleness, it very well may be that it is the result of "God's plan" in terms He does NOT want a person to get married, or it could be He ALLOWS someone not to find someone although it would be better if he/she did (because of our fallen world). And it could be because of punishment (but I think that's rare personally).

Still, this doesn't make single people desiring marriage feel much better. Simply put, my opinion is if you desire marriage do not feel ashamed of it and continue to trust God with it, AND be active in its pursuit. If indeed it is God's will for you not to be married, it will play out (Again, I'll invoke the test-analogy. What if I didn't study at all for a test and then prayed, "God, if it's your will, I'll do well on the test" And if you bomb it you'll say, "Well, I guess God didn't want me to do well on that." Most would say that's a misrepresentation of how God works yet we use it as an aliby for marriage all the time). That's unfortunately all we can do.

[34. R said the following at 10:04 PM on Jan 4:]

34

While Camerin Courtney does tend to be a bit on the downer-side, I do appreciate her writings. I do not see her "lying to herself". Rather her works tell it as it is: that singleness is both good & tough, dating & marriage are not guaranteed, and that marriage is not everything everyone dreams it to be. Points which are good as it brings reality to the minds of folks.

I think many guys would applaud boundless articles on being a godly wife. While the gals may want to date & marry, too often we guys find the single ladies extremely focused on career, fun, and the "promises of God" for happiness. A few guy friends have felt they have had to give-up ideal godly attributes when dating.

As mentioned, God is indeed sovereign. Our hope should rest in His sovereign will, and not in a hope for marriage; otherwise, it could very well be a false hope. And that I find is source of anger for many people, especially gals. Particularly it is manifested as frustration & anger at God, and yes as expressed in comments elsewhere, anger at men.

With respect to finding a mate, boundless & its readership seem more content with the view of female passivity. To do to otherwise would be the female taking the initiative and thus, violating the principles of Elisabeth Elliot.

[35. Sarah said the following at 10:05 PM on Jan 4:]

35

I'm with you Dana111 and Adam. It was encouraging to read your posts. Thanks :)

[36. Keb said the following at 12:22 AM on Jan 5:]

36

Whether it's right to be or not, I think that a lot of us singles-who-want-to-be-married are scared. I know I am. Trusting God to do what's right for us doesn't mean we aren't afraid that He'll decide something we want so much it hurts sometimes isn't what's right for us. And every passing year just makes it easier to believe that's the conclusion we're heading for.

So what, aside from praying, can we do about it?

[37. xeres said the following at 12:25 AM on Jan 5:]

37

R,

There was an article on what it means to be a godly woman on Boundless.

[38. BDB said the following at 1:45 AM on Jan 5:]

38

Dana111 wrote...a lot. Wow. Nothing I can add to that.

A couple of people wrote about how God CAN heal, but not everyone gets healed. Here's something to ponder on that. Once I wrote a paper analyzing all the times that Jesus healed someone in the New Testament. I read all the stories in one day. An interesting pattern presented itself. Two things happened in almost every case:

1) Jesus required the person to ask. He made them articulate what they were asking for. From a scriptural standpoint, if you desire marriage, it probably won't "happen," you'll need to pray. If you refuse to pray...don't complain if nothing happens.

2) In almost every case, Jesus asked them to do something. Maybe it was wash themselves, or go show themselves to the priest, or something else-he told them to do something and they had to choose whether or not to obey. It was when they obeyed that they were healed.

So, if you've followed step #1 above, and it seems like God is telling you to do something completely unrelated, I'd recommend doing it anyway.

How this can work, by the way, is that God tells you to go to a certain place and do something. God then tells the other party, who is also praying, to go to the same place. Maybe it's a little nudge to go volunteer someplace you've never volunteered before. Neither one is going there to "meet" someone. But if two people show up in the same spot at the same time trying to obey God...hey, that would make for an interesting conversation over lunch, wouldn't it? "So, why are you here again?"

Your mileage may vary...

R wrote:

>>To do to otherwise would be the female taking the initiative and thus, violating the principles of Elisabeth Elliot.<<

Now, now, she didn't invent the idea. In fact, if you watch some of those romantic comedies on Turner Classic Movies, you'd be surprised how often the concept of "male initiative" comes up. It seems that most Cary Grant movies are built on the concept. Particularly when he got older and thought it was inappropriate to be paired with much younger actresses, so he insisted that the script be re-written so that they chase him...

[39. Tami said the following at 11:33 AM on Jan 5:]

39

Wow, so many good points made on here! BDB, thanks for bringing in that analysis of the passages that talk about Jesus' healing. A good reminder of the truths of asking and obedience.

I read a devotional today about patience, which I think is tied very closely to contentment. Henri Nouwen wrote, "Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand."

In this, Nouwen is showing us that we can live fully *today*, even as we eagerly await what we are hoping for. Reflecting on this, I think that hope sees with trusting eyes -- looking at GOD rather than circumstances. When we resign ourselves to our circumstances, we only see the dirt beneath our feet... and that's when we have to start forcing ourselves to feign contentment.

I also think gratitude is key. I was reading Torrey last night and he talked about praying with thankfulness, warning us that sometimes God holds back if we aren't grateful for what we already have. Torrey's also big on obedience. :)

I think God is pleased with us when we acknowledge that we desire more than we have (in terms of His good gifts), but at the same time are grateful for all the things he's already given us. This is an attitude of satisfaction that still returns to Him, continually asking, seeking, and knocking because we recognize Him as the giver of good gifts.

While the presence of the kingdom within us is fully sufficient for our soul's satisfaction, God still asks us to *act* on what He has given us. The guy in the parable who buried the talent was chastised.

The more I think about it, the more I recognize it's true: if you're unhappy before you're married, you'll be unhappy afterward. Marriage won't make you happy if you aren't already content. But burying the desire to be married out of fearfulness that God won't provide is totally unproductive, and I don't think it's the attitude God wants us to have.

Quoting my last source... Carolyn McCulley posted a neat thing on her blog the other day, where she talked about "God's grace to grumblers." God still has the ability to totally bless us even when all we see around us is dried-up desert. It's all in our attitude.

Anyway, I found those things encouraging. I hope you do, too. :)

[40. Rachael said the following at 1:39 PM on Jan 5:]

40

(Thank you Tami for the encouragement!)

Tami wrote (1st part is Nouwen):

" 'Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.'

In this, Nouwen is showing us that we can live fully *today*, even as we eagerly await what we are hoping for. Reflecting on this, I think that hope sees with trusting eyes -- looking at GOD rather than circumstances. When we resign ourselves to our circumstances, we only see the dirt beneath our feet..."

--> Recently I've just been amazed with God. And typically I had not been the type of person that would constantly feel like I was learning something spiritual. Like I remember being at a friend's church a few years back and we were supposed to share what we were learning over the year or something, and I didn't feel like I had learned much, or I didn't really know what to say, at least at first, and someone questioned my salvation (that person didn't really know me). Just saying that to say that to let you know it's possible for God to open our eyes to His work even if previously the 'aha' moments were few and far between. My guess is that in the future the 'aha moments' could be again become few and far between. Hope not, but I realize that could be the case.

But about the 'amazement'....the wonder is not stemming from a circumstance my human heart so desires. That is left unfulfilled. It is coming from ways in which I might be catching glimpses of God's plan and ways in which He might be working in and through me.

Tami mentioned hope as being something involving looking at God and not the circumstance. That is such a good point. Circumstance, if something contrary to what we desire, will only disappoint...but look at that Nouwen quote Tami wrote. Sometimes the treasures really are just beneath our feet! I just keep seeing tiny little things - through something I read, through something someone says, through the timing of certain things, through interactions, and I think of God! Phil. 1:6 says that He who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion. So of course even if we don't notice His work it doesn't mean He's not working...but it's so, so exciting to see ways in which He might be working. Of course He is ultimately in control of everything, but still I see things and wonder if He's sometimes allowing me to catch glimpses of His plan being worked out in my life.

So why do I babble on about this? I guess I just want to encourage people that it is possible to have unfulfilled desire AND at the same time be open, receptive, and captivated to ways in which God is working. I guess...let's try not to put all our eggs in one basket...the basket of circumstance...but let's be excited and open to the ways in which we might see God's plan unfold in other areas.

And another thank you to Tami for the reminder about the importance of grattitude. Though I've recently reflected upon thankfulness, I think I need to start...doing it :) - being thankful. Thank you for the reminder. Notice the role of thankfulness in Phil. 1:6-7:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

[41. Tami said the following at 6:07 PM on Jan 5:]

41

Rachael -- thanks! And keep enjoying those "aha" moments that God gives you! :)

Those Philippians verses are big ones for me, too. God keeps reminding me about them so I guess He's trying to make a point! ;)

[42. Vincente said the following at 8:02 PM on Jan 5:]

42

Really cool post!, which bring me to the following observations and questions:

It seems there are quite a few single ladies posting about the single life. I'm a single Christian man with a few single Christian male friends, that would *LOVE* to be married to a nice Christian girl.

Where are the nice, marriage minded, would love to have a man, Christian girls at? Why do Christian girls and boys keep missing each other? Is it the dating scene?, Is it the lack of communication? Shortage of eligible bachelors? Shortage of eligible bachelorettes? What seems to be the problem?

I've heard the same complains from my male friends about the lack of available single girls and I'm not sure what to believe anymore!

Any ideas?

Vince.

[43. BDB said the following at 11:24 PM on Jan 5:]

43

What Tami wrote about "being present" reminds me of something Yoda said about Luke Skywalker:

"His mind never on where he is...always on the future..."

Hey, maybe it's appropriate...the Star Wars saga is about Darth Vader, and his eventual repentance...

[44. ptschett said the following at 2:35 PM on Jan 6:]

44

Vincente, I'm with you and your friends on that one. The girls certainly http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001373.cfm>aren't where I am.

[45. Rosabacio said the following at 3:41 PM on Jan 6:]

45

I'm not sure why some of you find it so hard to believe that there are single Christians out there who don't feel led to be married. Or even those who are content being single. Not all of those who say they are content are lying to themselves. God's grace is sufficient and can provide the power to be content in whatever state we are in.

[46. Michael said the following at 7:10 PM on Jan 6:]

46

Agreed, there have been some great posts recently! Especially Tami and Rachael. Your comments on this subject are spot on! I agree that singleness is sometimes just the "basket of circumstance" we're in and we truly do need to be thankful but aggressive in prayer to help change our circumstance as Phil 1:6-7 outlines. Vince, I'm there with you on your frustration, as I'm sure many Christian ladies are. Boundless does a great job on this issue so check out some of the articles on being single and dating. I really related to "Following My Heart" by Nathan Z. As a Christian guy under 30 its tough to not be influenced by our culture of relativism and what we should find "attractive" in a potential girlfriend. It can feel overwhelmingly "right" in our hearts and still be wrong. So no easy answers. To me meeting Ms. Right is still a large matter of faith: "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."-- Heb 11:1. So Vince, I've got faith that there ARE Christian girls out there wanting to meet Christian guys, look no further than the posts on Boundless, keep up your faith and posts, ladies!

[47. R said the following at 7:11 PM on Jan 6:]

47

xeres, thanks for the link. The article was quite good. I believe it is good start. I wonder why we don't see too many of these articles?

For an interesting comparison is the CNN article:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/01/04/career.relationships/index.html

Sadly this attitude is reflected in the Christian sphere as well. Does this explain the lack of interest in articles like the one you suggested?

BDB, EE made not have invented it, but she is a big promoter of those ideals. She seems to be revered as a prophet on this issue. :-)

[48. BDB said the following at 11:12 PM on Jan 6:]

48

Keb wrote:

>>Whether it's right to be or not, I think that a lot of us singles-who-want-to-be-married are scared. I know I am. <<

Well, I think you're right. I won't say that the answer is to trust God more. Maybe the answer is to trust God with other decisions first. Like what car to buy, or what to major in, etc. After you have a track record of God's guidance working well for small things, it might be easier to trust him for large things.

R wrote:

>>BDB, EE made not have invented it, but she is a big promoter of those ideals. She seems to be revered as a prophet on this issue. <<

Well, that's because she got lots of letters from people, and (with permission), she wrote some books trying to sort out the dating mess.

I didn't agree with her at first. But it dawned on me that what she described as using prayer and paying attention to what's happening around you (e.g. what God draws your attention to) as an alternative to "dating" was interesting - the process she suggests is really similar to the process I followed selecting my house. It worked great for the house. Works for buying a good car, too. Maybe she's on to something that will work for bigger decisions.

[49. Bridgette said the following at 11:55 PM on Jan 6:]

49

I really think all the talk about marraige is the 'christian way' for saying that singles want sex and that it's ok.
As a pentecostal (Assembly of God) I have always been taught that there is such a thing as marrying in the very center of Gods will. IMO most people don't do this.
People who have extended seasons of singleness as Boundless puts it have figured this out. Which is harder today, getting married or staying married ? I have few role models. Better to be single and wish you were married,than married and wish you were single.

[50. a sassy sister said the following at 8:09 AM on Jan 7:]

50

Ok, let me respond to Jennifer, then CSW.

Jennifer: involuntary protracted singleness is not the problem that disturbs me in these posts. What disturbs me is the LACK OF BALANCE and the FOCUS in these posts---it's the fact that your post and CSW's imply that somehow marriage is the answer for whatever deep issues are ailing singles. And to me, that seems to put the covenant of marriage on a pedestal and gaze at it with rose colored glasses. Let me say this, and I've talked to a LOT of married couples in the church--some with healthy marriages, and some with unhealthy ones: Marriage is a magnifier--it exposes one's level of maturity on all levels. The covenant of marriage itself does not MAKE you a better person, just like having a race car in my driveway make a driver for the Indy 500. A man or woman must make active, consistent CHOICES to face life and walk in what God has called them to do and who He has created them to be, no matter WHAT RELATIONSHIP THEY'RE IN. So, if you base your worth, value, identity, security, and purpose on being married instead of who God says you are, then your foundation is on sinking and shifting sands. What happens if the marriage experiences trouble? What happens if there are deep disagreements in your marriage? What happens if your children decide to leave the faith after you've raised them according to God's Word? Does your world fall apart?
Please understand that I am not saying that marriage isn't a beautiful covenant. But most people look at marriage with the lens of selfishness, not selflessness. To prescribe to singles that marriage is the answer to any loneliness or discontentment that they have is treating marriage with the "have it your way" instant gratification mentality of selfishness. Marriage is not what makes a person whole---Christ is! What disturbs me is that you have people who think that somehow a single person's discontentment can be solved by marriage, as if it is someone sort for universal band-aid for all the loneliness that singleness experience. Frankly, you couldn't be more wrong, and it is those expectations that create such a high divorce rate in the church----expecting marriage to be the ultimate answer to all my problems in singleness(lust, loneliness, discontentment, security etc). Unfortunately, since most people in church aren't being totally authentic with each other and honest about the state of their marriages OR what they view is satisfaction, we have people who are proclaiming how "wonderful" their marriages are, when in reality they are JUST AS LONELY or EVEN more depressed in their marriages. Being married does not always equal contentment, especially if you have the mentality that somehow acquiring things or achieving a certain state in life will give you ultimate satisfaction. Happiness is based on circumstances; joy is based on the truth. That is something that stands whether you are married or single. Our joy is supposed to be of the Lord, not of others. I am not advocating any sort of Lone Ranger mentality, but simply saying that my faith, trust, and hope must be in the Lord. He will have no other gods before Him.

Too many singles waste precious time in their singleness unhappy about how they're not married yet. I used to be one of them. But the more I spent time with the Lord, and the more time I spent in His Word and in prayer, I realized that I was not put on earth to accomplish my own agendas. I was put here to fulfill God's purposes and plans. I was put here to glorify God and draw others to know Him. I am in no way saying that being a wife and mother isn't a part of that. What I am saying, however, is that IT IS NOT the only way for that to happen.

CSW: I asked you what solutions you prescribed to address this. You seem to simply repeat your earlier post in regards to the outreach of men in churches and the development of a strong men's ministry. You also seem to support a return of the "real man" to the church. To clarify, I am asking you what you SPECIFICALLY prescribe as far as what a ministry would look like that regards. Also to clarify my earlier question, is your basis for bringing men to the church for discipleship about advancing the kingdom of God and fulfilling the Great Commission, or marrying off as many single women in the church as possible?

And btw, the "methinks the lady doth protest too much" doesn't apply to me. I am protesting because I am disturbed by those who postulate others' opinions and DO NOT FORM THEIR OPINIONS based on solid exegesis of Scripture, not based on those who use Scripture to support their own personal prejudices and viewpoints.

[51. Christina said the following at 12:15 PM on Jan 7:]

51

Carrie -
I liked your thought about being content leading to laziness.

My best friend and I were talking about how dissatisfied I've been with my life lately. And I raised the question of whether I'm just being immature and should buck down and reevaluate myself and get content, or if there's something more.

His response was this - why can't my lack of contentment and my dissatisfaction be God's way of telling me to do something different? Why can't it mean that it IS sincerely time for a change, a different pace, a different location, a different state of being?

So at some point, I agree that it is wrong to "just be content with where you are now" because sometimes where you are now isn't necessarily where you are supposed to be...

[52. Childless single woman said the following at 12:29 PM on Jan 7:]

52

Candice Watters - You have just written a very good book on Christian singleness, and this is your post, on your blog (or the blog you started).
Why is it you don't you feel some sense of responsibility here to add a comment or two yourself? (Ted Slater does it all the time in his posts about global warming, so please don't quote the "comment moderation policy" at me.)

[53. Candice Watters said the following at 3:11 PM on Jan 7:]

53

Dear CSW and all the other exuberant commenters on this thread: thank you for participating wholeheartedly in this conversation. I'm sorry for not weighing in sooner. One of the benefits Ted has for staying on top of -- and contributing to -- the comments on his global warming posts is that he approves the comments for release. In short, it's his job to stay on top of what's being said.

I have to remember to come back and read these while juggling other writing commitments, websites, blogs, a marriage and three kids! That's not to say I don't want to participate, just that I don't always realize a blog post is getting a lot of activity. (Incidentally, you can feel free to drop me an email at candice@helpgetmarried.com if you want to notify me of what's happening and ask me to come back and weigh in).

As for all the offshoots from my original blog post, two stand out as needing some clarification.

To those who quote Paul in belief of their defense that remaining single is better than getting married, I would add the important caveat that Paul was not saying, "it's better to stay single so you can date around, have lots of time and discretionary income for travel, and build a vibrant career." He was saying he wished believers would be single "as he is." Meaning "fully expended" in Christian service. That means no dating, no flirting and a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children.

I would also add that while singles often quote 1 Corinthians 7 in their defense of their "spiritually-superior" unmarried state, Paul didn't just say it's good for the unmarried and widows to stay that way. He also said, "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." (v. 2). This is the most unquoted portion of that passage. And given our present circumstances, I believe it is the most relevant.

p.s. Thanks to CSW for your kind word about my book.

[54. Emily Shepherd said the following at 3:43 PM on Jan 7:]

54

to a sassy sister ~

Loved your post -- right on. I tried to say the same on another post about maturity, or the lack thereof in today's generation and I dont' think I got it across very well :) Marriage certainly does not make you content, but forces you to examine wherein your contentment lies. If it lies in circumstances being to your liking, life will be incredibly up and down. I have experienced this and feel like I am just now getting a handle on the attitude that God desires me to have - to "rejoice at all times, pray without ceasing, and be thankful in all circumstances." The more I base my contentment on knowing that God has allowed whatever the circumstance is for my GOOD, and am thankful, the more steady my faith is and the more steady our marriage is. Both marriage and singleness can be great vehicles to learn thankfulness and humility under God's sovereign hand, because they will both involve circumstances that we don't like or want, where we must choice to be thankful or become bitter -- which as Scripture says, will lead to "disorder and every vile practice".

[55. Candice Watters said the following at 5:37 PM on Jan 7:]

55

If you ask marriage to meet needs that only God can, you will certainly be disappointed. But it baffles me that so many commenters on this blog make the leap from that truth to believing if you ask marriage to meet any needs -- even the ones God created it to meet -- you're an idolater.

And let's be clear that bitterness leads to sin, not marriage. Marriage is our picture, in the flesh, of Christ's relationship with the church. Yes, there are disappointing, unsatisfying, and even damaging marriages out there. But they are no reason for us to stop desiring and striving to marry well; to take part in the very mystery Paul praised.

[56. Adam said the following at 6:14 PM on Jan 7:]

56

Candace,

To those who quote Paul in belief of their defense that remaining single is better than getting married, I would add the important caveat that Paul was not saying, "it's better to stay single so you can date around, have lots of time and discretionary income for travel, and build a vibrant career." He was saying he wished believers would be single "as he is." Meaning "fully expended" in Christian service. That means no dating, no flirting and a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children.

Candace, I would say this is total eisegesis. First of all, where does Paul say anything about "fully expended Christian service?" or "a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children?" The entire context is about a comparison of Paul's state with the marital state he has been addressing in verses 2-5. Certainly, whether married or single, you should be serving the Lord, and using either your marriage or singleness to serve the Lord. However, "fully expended Christian service" and "a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children" is nowhere mentioned in the context of 1 Corinthians 7:7. When Paul talks about "as he is" he is talking about continence [7:9a], and only commanding people to marry if they do not have control over their sexual desires. However, Paul says nothing in this text about someone who has lots of time and discretionary income for travel, builds a vibrant career and is able to control his sexual desires. That is simply not in the text, and I would challenge you to prove it from the text of 1 Corinthians 7:7 itself.

I would also add that while singles often quote 1 Corinthians 7 in their defense of their "spiritually-superior" unmarried state, Paul didn't just say it's good for the unmarried and widows to stay that way. He also said, "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." (v. 2). This is the most unquoted portion of that passage. And given our present circumstances, I believe it is the most relevant.

And, this text is the most often misused by people who try to say that, because sexual immorality is so rampant, therefore, everyone must get married. That is not Paul's point at all. First of all, notice the structure of verses 2-4

2. ...man...wife...woman...husband.
3. ...husband...wife...wife...husband
4. ...wife...husband...husband...wife

Notice, that verses 2-4 have exactly the same structure, namely, a chiasm. It is in the form of:

A...B...B...A

Thus, most scholars [including Gordon Fee, whom Debbie Maken quotes in her book], will say that verses 2-4 are a unit. However, verses 3-4 are talking about the marital duty of sexual relations. How can this be?

Of course, the simple solution to the problem is that the Greek term echo [to have] can be used as a euphomism for sexual relations. The following texts in the Septuagint and the New Testament are some of the texts mentioned by Gordon Fee as instances in which echo bears this meaning:

Exodus 2:1 There was a certain man of tribe of Levi who took [a wife] from the daughters of Levi, and he had [echo] her. [translation mine]

Deuteronomy 28:30 thou shalt take a wife, and another man shall have [echo] her; thou shalt build a house, and thou shalt not dwell in it; thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not gather the grapes of it. [Brenton Translation]

Isaiah 13:16 and they will strike their children in front of them, they will plunder their houses, and they will have [echo] their wives. [translation mine]

Mark 6:18 For John had been saying to Herod, "It is not lawful for you to have [echo] your brother's wife." [NASB]

1 Corinthians 5:1 It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has [echo] his father's wife. [NASB]

Thus, the meaning of verse 2 would be "because of sexual immorality, let each man have sexual relations with his own wife, and let each woman have sexual relations with her own husband."

This interpretation would also fit with verse 1. Paul would be admitting that there is some truth to what is said in verse 1 but, because sexual immorality will exist in this life, we are not to refrain from sexual relations with our wives. Indeed, he goes on to say that there is only one case where someone cannot have sexual relations with their wife, and that by an agreement for a period of time so that they can devote themselves to prayer [v.5]. Thus, the text is addressing one topic from verse 1 until verse 5.

There are also some criticisms that can be levied against your interpretation of this passage. First of all, there is a Greek word for "to marry," namely, gameo, and Paul uses that term down in verse 9 in the imperative. It is hard to explain why it is that Paul used the imperative of gameo in verse 9, but not in verse 2. There is no literary reason why he would change, nor is their a contextual reason why he would change.

Also, it would seem, if we take your interpretation, that Paul contradicts himself twice in this passage. First of all, he says that he has no command from the Lord concerning virgins [7:25], and, given your interpretation, this certainly would be a command to virgins. Not only that, but Paul later on commands them not to seek to change their state [7:27]. Now, whether you limit this to the time of the "present distress" or not, you have just made Paul command the virgins in the Corinthian congregation to get married, and yet, to not seek to change their marital status. Such makes Paul utterly self-contradictory.

Not only that, but your interpretation completely disrupts the text of verses 1-7. Verse 2 would be a statement addressed to virgins, verses 3-4 would be a text addressed to married people, and verses 5-7 would again be referring to virgins. Such an interpretation thus makes the structure of the entire passage totally random, and inserts an unnatural break at every change of audience.

Thus, I would say that 1 Corinthians 7:2 is not at all relevant to our present circumstances as single people.

Jennifer,

There's a difference between saying that God works all things to our good, and saying that all things are for our own good. In the former biblical context, God's work is largely corporate and missional, rather than personal and "what's-in-it-for-me"?

You can't be serious. Please read the context:

Romans 8:28-30 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Is it individuals or corporate groups that are conformed to the image of God's son? Is it individuals or groups who are justified? Is it individuals or groups who are glorified? To turn this into a text about a corperate group is to totally rip it from its context.

Not only that, but, again, if we consider the context, we see that the text is teaching both that God works all things to our good and that all things are for our own good. Notice that in verses 29-30, you have the golden chain of redemption where the work of Christ results in our conforming to the image of Christ as well as our glorification. Notice that *God* is the subject of all of the verbs in verses 29-30, and hence, it is God who works all of the things [c.f. "all things" in verse 28] mentioned in these verses to the end of our glorification.

Thus, I would say that the only way you can maintain your position is if verse 28 is divorced from verses 29-30.

Another error is assuming that if something happens or doesn't happens it's "God's will" and therefore pleasing to God AND His personal plan for your life and therefore for your own good, even though the Bible doesn't quite say that. Even sin happens within God's sovereign will, and too many people have assumed that because God "let them sin" that their sin was "God's will" and thus "okay". Likewise, Christians have gone headlong into marriage with people who were incompatible with them, assuming that because God didn't stop them, then their spouse was handpicked by Him, for their own good, only to end up divorced! Could such a situation simply be God letting us learn from our mistakes? Could be, and we should confess our mistakes (sins) so that we can learn from them and get right with God. But let's not get side-tracked with endless speculation!

Well, then, we will stick to the scriptures. The Bible calls God's will "good, pleasing, and perfect" [Romans 12:2]. And yet, what does the text of Ephesians 1:11 say:

Ephesians 1:11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will,

This text is very explicit in saying that God works everything according to the purpose of his own will [which, as we have already seen] is good, pleasing, and perfect].

Not only that, but Romans 9 states very clearly the reason for evil in the world:

Romans 9:21-24 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonorable use? 22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, 23 in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory- 24 even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?

In your view, how can God tolerate the non-elect and their wickedness in order to make the riches of his glory known on the vessels of mercy? Surely, this text makes no sense, given what you have said in your post. The reason why evil people persecute Christians is so that God can make known the riches of his glory on his elect, and perfect them, conforming them into the likeness of his son.

Finally, I think that the Old Testament completely makes this view impossible. No one can say that God wants to give someone a spouse, but he just cannot do it, given what the scriptures say:

Daniel 4:35 all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?"

Psalm 115:3 But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases.

Psalm 135:6 Whatever the LORD pleases, He does, In heaven and in earth, in the seas and in all deeps.

On the basis of these verses I think we can very clearly say that there is nothing that God wants to do that he does not do. Such is hard for someone to hold who wants to say that God wants to give people spouses, but it is by some "free will" of our own that he cannot do it. God does whatever he pleases.

God Bless,
Adam

[57. Christina said the following at 6:46 PM on Jan 7:]

57

Candace said,
But it baffles me that so many commenters on this blog make the leap from that truth to believing if you ask marriage to meet any needs -- even the ones God created it to meet -- you're an idolater.

That is the hardest part about coming to grips with not being married and wanting to. It could also be why those who want to get married resign themselves to singleness. Because this belief is SO prevalent not only on this blog by commenters, but also by the church, its hard to own up to that desire for marriage with complete honesty, even if it is a God-given desire.

A lot of the commentors who are against these posts on encouraging marriage and providing hope to those who desire it but aren't given the oppurtunities need to understand that at some point, where THEY feel called to being single, these others feel called to marriage.

It is possible for the desire for marriage to be biblically based and God-given. And I also believe that it is necessary to discuss this desire on this blog because its a desire that CAN easily lead to idolatry and obsession - unhealthy and unbiblical desire.

Its also necessary to discuss the events that are preventing the people who feel that they are being called to marriage from being married. They are faced with opposition, and this accusation is just one of the examples of that opposition. To know that we aren't missing something, that we aren't failing as Christians because we have a strong desire for something that hasn't happened to us yet, or that maybe something is wrong with us that is preventing it is important. And learning to deal with that on a biblical level is worthy of discussion and all of Candace's posts.

There's a translation of the verse concerning the curse put on Eve that goes something like "...and your desire will be for your husband..."

So there it is...a God-given desire. And knowing that gives me comfort. That my desire for marriage IS NOT wrong, but given to me by God. A treasure that he has placed in my heart and has allowed to grow a desire to experience my relationship with him on a different level. That he has placed in me a desire to love another as I love my own flesh and perhaps even more. That he has given me the desire to care and nurture and raise a family of my own.

I would sincerely love it if people stopped thinking that it is wrong to desire marriage.

[58. Ted Slater said the following at 7:37 PM on Jan 7:]

58

Adam, your ability to deconstruct Scripture is dizzying.

Candice (please note the "i" in her name) challenged the culturally popular notion that Paul is advocating that "it's better to stay single so you can date around, have lots of time and discretionary income for travel, and build a vibrant career."

Candice is saying that, instead, a single who feels called to a commendable life like Paul's should not date, should not flirt, and should surrender any desire they might have to have children. That frees them to spend their time in powerful ministry unavailable to those in relationships.

Your argument seems to be that Candice is 100 percent wrong. Are you suggesting, then, that singles who desire to imitate Paul's celibate lifestyle should date around, flirt with the girls, and have fantasies about having kids some day? That doesn't make any sense to me.

If you *do* agree with Candice, but not with her exegesis, then consider being gracious in your communication. You can use your skills to tear down and destroy, or you can use your skills to gently bring correction and to affirm what *is* true in what someone's saying.

Let me invite you to practice your exegesis skills in a winsome manner, rather than in a vitriolic, condescending, Pharisaic manner. It'll be more effective, and I believe it will honor the Lord to speak the truth with a heart of love, rather than with a heart of distain.

To be honest, my first reaction to your comment was to use my verbal skills against you. I'm glad I've taken the time to reconsider. It takes effort and humility and time to approach something more graciously. Let's work on it together, Adam.

[59. R said the following at 9:45 PM on Jan 7:]

59

Adam,

Thanks for working to discern the Lord's will through a careful examination & exegesis of Scripture. It is greatly appreciated.

[60. Alicia said the following at 11:05 PM on Jan 7:]

60

Wow, not to put you down or anything Adam, but thank you Ted for stepping up to protect Candice from Adam's verbal attack (it did seem a bit condesending and harsh). I believe that her viewpoints are valid and reveal a lot of truth from a Biblical perspective. I appreciate her articles and willing to reach out to other people. Thank you Ted for being a gentleman and stepping in to help her. :)

I would like to say to everyone, that this blog post has been soooo exciting to read! It's the first time that I've really checked in everyday to see if there has been any new posts made to it. I guess that's because I myself was "on the fence" and not really sure what I felt 100 percent on the issue.

However, after writing my own posts and reading other's posts, I come to a more firm conclusion (that it's okay to desire and pray for marriage to happen in my own life and that while I'm waiting, I can use my life in the most fruitful way possible). I'm so excited about all of the wonderful things that God is going to do in the future (and right now!) :)

I'm encouraged by the following verses and by what someone in this blog said about desires. (Desires in and of themselves are not bad, it just depends where they are directed):

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing." (Heh heh, or in my case, a husband). ;)

I am more convinced than ever that God has called me to a life of marriage. I wasn't too sure about it before though...and part of me wonders if that is why God didn't bring someone special into my life before now.

Especially since the Bible says that if something is not done in faith, that it is sin. It may not necessarily be wrong for everyone, but if it IS wrong in a person's heart, then for that person it is not good. I'm wondering if that is maybe why God hasn't brought someone into my life yet--because before this, in my mind, there was still a thought that marriage is a "wrong" or "sinful" thing, based off of what other people were telling me.

If I am not convinced in my own mind that marriage is something good and wholesome, then how can I expect God to bless me with a husband? In my mind, he would be a source of contempt and wrong-doing for me.

I believe that if a person wants to get married, that he or she needs to be convinced that it is something blessed by God (which I totally believe that it is!) in order to be blessed that way with a spouse. If not, it would be an opportunity for my mind to think, "Oh my gosh, I must be sinning. I'm with a guy. My desires for a husband must be greater than my desire for God." I don't think that God wants that for people anymore than He wants for people who have issues over whether to eat meat or just vegetables (check out....I believe that it's Colossians 3?) I don't think that God will give us something that we think is wrong.

Does this kind of make sense to any of you? It's something that I just now started thinking in the last couple of days. I'd love to hear what the rest of you have to say on the matter. I'm open to your comments. :)

(Again, thanks for the post Candice--awesome topic! Look at how it has exploded and how many people are responding. You've definitely touched on a hot topic!) :)

[61. Alicia said the following at 11:08 PM on Jan 7:]

61

Oops, sorry, I just realized that I too was typing Candice's name with an "a" and not an "i." Sorry Candice, didn't mean too. :)

[62. Childless single woman said the following at 11:57 PM on Jan 7:]

62

The trouble is Ted, Adam doesn't "speak the truth", whether in love or otherwise!
Adam makes it seem like he has a monopoly on Scriptural truth, and so deceives vulnerable women like "a sassy sister" by throwing in the word "exegesis". In fact, Adam holds to a strange interpretation of Scripture that would have left Christian theologians in previous generations aghast! It just shows how screwed up this current generation is that his extreme views on singleness and marriage are deemed worthy of any consideration at all and not just looked on with dismay and disbelief!
The only "truth" is that Adam obviously has a lot of time on his hands...

[63. a sassy sister said the following at 9:04 AM on Jan 8:]

63

Candace,

You completely misunderstood my point, but the one thing I've realized in these posts is that people have already made up their mind to particular position or ATTITUDE towards singleness and marriage, whether negative or positive.

What I am saying borders on idolatry and unfair expectations of marriage is if the thinking that marriage will fill ALL the ultimate voids in our life, extending past the needs that God fulfills in marriage, and somehow using THE MARRIAGE COVENANT ITSELF as a security blanket to cover needs that only God can satisfy. I am not talking about the needs that marriage provides for are God designed to fill(which can be found in Scripture)---only the ones that are outside of marriage's true purpose--to be an example of God's love and to glorify Him!
Once again, that makes the focus of marriage all about us and not about God using us and working through us to show His love to the world. What I am against is the THINKING AND PERSPECTIVE of those who argue that a single person's desire for marriage should be their overriding focus in life, and that genuine contentment as a single is a complete paradox. Please understand that I am not saying that marriage doesn't meet man's needs for companionship or relationship. But what disturbs me is the band-aid, "all or nothing" mentality when it comes to our understanding of satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment. Is your instant reaction to singles who are dissatisfied with their life and OVER A CERTAIN AGE the response to "GET MARRIED"? Sometimes I think we automatically assume that singles who are dissatisfied with their lives and are of a certain age demographic(twenties and beyond)must somehow get married, as if that's the pat answer.
If you place the pursuit of MARRIAGE ITSELF AND BEING MARRIED above everything else in your life RIGHT NOW, INCLUDING PURSUING A DEEPER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD FIRST, somehow expecting ALL the emptiness, loneliness,and voids in your life to disappear, you're in for a rude awakening. Too many times people think a relationship will bring them wholeness and completion, when it was never designed for that. We are made for relationships. But what I think we forget to see is that relationships have a tendency to expose and magnify what's already in our hearts and reveal our true motives--which, apart from God are by nature selfish. They show our priorities, our focus, and our motivations for behavior, if you look closely enough. But most of all, they show how we cannot truly love others apart from knowing God and His love for us. The Bible says that we are to Love God first, then love our neighbor as ourselves.The first commandment enables us to do the second. That is what I am taking issue with. You can love God and want marriage. But when your desire for marriage blocks or blurs your focus on Christ, then I have a problem with that. When you see marriage as the solution instead of a VEHICLE of the solution, then you EXALT the COVENANT above the AUTHOR of the covenant. You lift the creation ABOVE the CREATOR.

I agree with Christina; there does need to be a balance between desiring marriage and desiring it so much that it becomes an obsession, hindering us from having a satisfying relationship with God and enriching relationships in the body of Christ. I am not saying that wanting marriage is wrong. I am not against singles knowing about the things that are hindering them from having healthy relationships. But marriage is not the main point! Christ is! Call me wrong, but I simply don't cultivate relationships with others for my sole benefit. I pursue relationships so that Christ is made known and shown to others in those relationships.
I am arguing that wanting marriage for the wrong reasons (to feel significant, to feel whole and commplete, to have a purpose in life) disturbs me. I thought that our worth, value, and identity came from Christ and not our marital status.

[64. Candice Watters said the following at 10:11 AM on Jan 8:]

64

Alicia,

You've tapped into the essence of the point I was trying to make:

It's good and right to desire and pray for marriage, while being fruitful in the meantime.

Not only that, but also it's possible to live in a way, while you're being a good steward of the present, that makes it more likely that you will get married and marry well. Conversely, it's possible to live in a way that marriage is harder to come by.

This is where I think "sassy sister" is raising a smoke screen. I'm not suggesting it's either Jesus or marriage as my focus, but Jesus as my Lord and Savior while I live the life He's given me. That includes lots of goal setting and hard work in every area from my physical fitness, education, work, and relationships.

What's troubling is that desiring marriage comes under singular scrutiny. If I said I desired a career in nursing, and applied to nursing schools, and studied hard, and passed my exams, and applied for openings at a hospital, no one would say I was making becoming a nurse an idol. Or that I was failing to let Jesus be Lord of my career. Or any such thing. But those comments and more are raised every time I suggest we have a role to play in getting married.

[65. Adam D said the following at 10:19 AM on Jan 8:]

65

I don't really see any truth in love here in the comments regarding Adam. When I read his comment, I thought he backed it up well and he is obviously passionate about accurate interpretation of the scriptures. I think it would be more productive and helpful for people to rebut him point for point with their mastery of the original translations rather than attacking him directly.

I just wanted to say that I appreciated Adam's comment and his passion for truth.

[66. Ted Slater said the following at 11:25 AM on Jan 8:]

66

Adam D -- The implication in Adam's attack of Candice's position is that single men who look to Paul as the model of celibacy should in fact be dating, should be flirting, and should be fantasizing about some day having kids.

Paul had committed himself to a lifetime of remaining single in order to serve the Lord undistracted. What made his singleness commendable was that he used that state in order to serve the Lord most effectively.

Too many singles nowadays reference Paul and his elevation of his single state, but then totally disregard the aspects of Pauline celibacy that ennoble that state! They use their time to enjoy travel to other countries, to focus on their careers, and so on. But that's not at all what Paul modeled with his singleness. Those actions are not at all compatible with the noble state of singleness that Paul described with his life.

Adam's deconstruction of Scripture, as I mentioned, is impressive. But I don't know what his conclusion is, what he's wanting his readers to "take away" after slogging through his monologue. Perhaps Adam has no conclusion, since he hasn't presented one, and is merely going through an impressive exercise.

I don't want to be mean, but this type of heavy-handed exegesis brings to mind the biblical scholars of Jesus' day, the ones Jesus came down hard against, about whom He said, "You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!" and "They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger."

It's not enough to display your exegetical skills. The people Jesus came down most hard against had impressive exegetical skills. These skills should be wielded with a heart of love and concern for those being engaged. I'm just not seeing Adam's scriptural deconstruction being used to build up, to encourage people toward godly action ... but rather see them as a hammer to destroy.

Frankly, Adam's words leave me discouraged, thinking that perhaps I'm not qualified to read Scripture, since it's clear that those who don't know Hebrew and Greek will always misinterpret it and will never be able to gain even a bit of truth from it.

[67. xeres said the following at 12:34 PM on Jan 8:]

67

Why can people just say unmarried instead of single? :-?. I have come to loathe the term "single" when used in everyday talk on relationship status. Sorry for being such language nazi but terms "in a relationship" and "single or singleness" seriously need to be replaced. We need to articulate better other than pat slang.

I personally think being celibate is normal and not a sign of sexual repression. Why is it that both celibacy and marriage are seen as something to dread for, even among the Christian communities. You are either celibate or married.

[68. a sassy sister said the following at 1:15 PM on Jan 8:]

68

Actually Ted,

the problem is the implication that those who are not married by a certain age are somehow delaying their singleness and wasting it if they're not married by a certain age. There are MANY single people who love God and not sitting on their butts complaining about how single they are. There are some people, who, despite their best efforts, resources, and even environment, are single.

[69. Adam said the following at 1:59 PM on Jan 8:]

69

Ted,

The implication in Adam's attack of Candice's position is that single men who look to Paul as the model of celibacy should in fact be dating, should be flirting, and should be fantasizing about some day having kids.

Well, that depends. Do they intend to get married someday, and are they willing to commit to a relationship that will move towards, and culminate in that day? If this is true, then I have no problems with this. However, if they intend to remain celebate their whole lives, then I would say that they are doing something wrong because it is dishonest. Of course, this text in 1 Corinthians 7 has absolutely nothing to do with this. If I were going to deal with someone flirting or dating someone with whom they had no intentions of marrying, I would go to texts that deal about honesty.

Second, with regards to the Pharasees, it was precisely because they did not do sound Biblical interpretation that Jesus got upset with them. Jesus got upset with them because they would do sound exegesis on the commandments they would keep, but when it came to the commandments they would not keep, they would take their traditions over the word of God. Consider the following:

Luke 11:42 "But woe to you Pharisees! For you pay tithe of mint and rue and every kind of garden herb, and yet disregard justice and the love of God; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.

Notice, Jesus does commend them for for their observance of the tithe, but he tells them that they have used their traditions to neglect the other commandments. In fact, Jesus makes it more explicit here:

Matthew 15:1-6 Then some Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem, saying, 2 "Why do Your disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat bread." 3 And He answered and said to them, "And why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 "For God said, 'Honor your father and mother,' and, 'He who speaks evil of father or mother, let him be put to death.' 5 "But you say, 'Whoever shall say to his father or mother, "Anything of mine you might have been helped by has been given to God," 6 he is not to honor his father or his mother.' And thus you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition.

Jesus takes on the Pharasees for adding their traditions to scripture, and thus, nullifying the word of God. Now, you have said that you do not like the implications of my exegesis, and therefore, you believe my exegesis to be wrong. However, I have to ask why we are determining what is correct exegesis by implications? Should we not live by the implications given to us by the very word of God, or should we determine the implications in the word of God by what we believe to be the correct implications? In other words, shouldn't we be doing the hard work of exegesis to know what the implications of the text are? If it means that, like the Pharasees, you have to get rid of some of your traditions to avoid nullifying the word of God, then should we not do it?

Secondly, as far as having to know Hebrew and Greek to understand the Bible, no, it is not a matter of that. It is a matter of you and Candice being teachers of God's people. Both of you have been put in a position where you are teaching the Bible to twenty-somethings. In order to do this, I don't think it is to much to ask that a person know the languages so that they can use discernment when they hear various interpretations of scripture thrown around. As teachers, we need to use discernment. Part of that discernment is being able to test the various interpretations given by singles authors with responsible exegesis. Without that, you just end up repeating what another author or teacher said, and you have no way to "examine all things, and hold fast to that which is good" [1 Thessalonians 5:21].

Also, I would say that this must be the case with even authors we respect. There are many authors to whom I give high respect, and yet, disagree with on many issues.

For instance, Augustine said many wonderful things about God's grace and the sovereign will of God to save sinners. However, his sacerdotalism is something I reject as unbiblical, as do most evangelicals. It is not a matter of understanding the Bible, it is a matter of being put in a position where you teach twenty-somethings on a daily basis, and having a God-given duty to do so with discernment. As James says:

James 3:1 Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we shall incur a stricter judgment.

Personally, this text makes me shudder in fear. It makes me want to get all of the training I can so that I can teach the truth of God's word to God's people with discernment.

I should mention that I believe you and Candice do have gifts in the area of teaching. You do a whole lot of good for the body of Christ, and for that, I am very thankful. I just wish that both of you would take the time so that you could be more discerning in what you promote.

Alicia,

Wow, not to put you down or anything Adam, but thank you Ted for stepping up to protect Candice from Adam's verbal attack (it did seem a bit condesending and harsh). I believe that her viewpoints are valid and reveal a lot of truth from a Biblical perspective. I appreciate her articles and willing to reach out to other people. Thank you Ted for being a gentleman and stepping in to help her. :)

Alicia, can you document this. What did you think was a "verbal attack?" What did you think was "condecending?"

CSW,

The only "truth" is that Adam obviously has a lot of time on his hands...

LOL, I would love for you to come up here and spend one semester at Trinity, and take classes in Hebrew, Egyptian Hieroglyphics, Sumerian, Akkadian, Ugaritic, Hebrew Exegesis, Ancient Near Eastern Religions, etc. I can guarantee you, I do not have "too much time on my hands."

Secondly, what is amazing is that, like Alicia, we have accusations with no proof. You say that I have a "strange interpretation of Scripture that would have left Christian theologians in previous generations aghast," yet you do not attempt to interact with those who have dealt with this issue from a historical perspective, and thus offer no proof. You say that I "make it seem like he has a monopoly on Scriptural truth, and so deceives vulnerable women like "a sassy sister" by throwing in the word 'exegesis,'" but, again, offer no place where my exegesis has been faulty.

So, again, I will gladly consider that I have been too harsh if you can prove that I have. Until I do, I believe that I have a post that sticks closely to the text of 1 Corinthians 7:1-9.

God Bless,
Adam

[70. Alicia said the following at 2:06 PM on Jan 8:]

70

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Thank you Candice, for expressing what I've been trying to write (that's why you're the writer and I'm not, lol). :D You brought up the issue of desires--and how people don't critize others for career choices, but they are quick to challenge and put down those who are putting their trust in the dream of marriage someday.

I don't think that desires are wrong, as long as you're being directed by the Lord. And because Scripture points to marriage as something good and blessed by God, then I'd say that it's safe to pray to God for a Godly husband (or in other people's cases, a Godly wife).

I have been mulling over and chewing on this subject today while I'm here at work (don't worry, I'm on a lunch break, lol) and I started to think about all of the Godly married couples there were in the Bible--a few in particular stood out in my mind:

Sarah and Abraham
Ruth and Boaz
Mary and Joseph

These were people who decided to marry and yet were not considered ungodly by the Lord. Quite the opposite! :) (I mean, Mary was blessed with giving birth to and raising the Son of God!) If God put Jesus into Mary's belly through the Holy Spirit, couldn't it be said that He could have put it in some single person's stomach too? Yet God chose Mary who was married. To me, this shows that both single and married people can be of service to the Lord in different ways. Both are equally important....and that marriage is not bad. If marriage were bad, then these Godly couples of the Bible would be guilty of sin or of choosing a spouse over God. But they weren't. Instead, God used them in service for Him.

I think that single people should not be asking, "Lord, is it Your will for me to marry? I feel this desire to, but it must be wrong, because desire must be wrong, so please take it away from me."

But rather, "Lord, there is a desire in my heart to be married and because Your Word says that marriage is a good thing, I ask You to bless this desire in a way that will bring You the most honor and glory.

I want to be everything that You have called for me to be as a single and I want to be everything that You have called for me to be as a married person.

Because of this desire in my heart, I seek Your ways, knowing that You will guide me along the straightest path.

Lord, please guide me to the kind of spouse that you would like for me to marry. What would you like me to be looking out for God? What kind of spouse should I myself be? How can I best prepare for this future journey of marriage that I feel a desire for so strongly? How can I bring the most honor to You through our marriage?

Show my future spouse and I how to work together as a team for you and teach us how to properly raise our (really your) children in a way that this world will be more blessed with having them in it as Christian believers than if they had never come and given their hearts to you.

Help our family to always honor You and teach us to value and treasure the special gift that You have given us in each other. Thank You for blessing us. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

[71. Ted Slater said the following at 2:44 PM on Jan 8:]

71

Adam, you are clever with words. I confess that it feels like your motivations for sharing your exegesis may be primarily self-serving, intending to impress us with your education and to destroy people rather than to provide them helpful biblical counsel.

Selah.

I chose my words carefully in my previous comment. I specifically referred to "single men who look to Paul as the model of celibacy." To my knowledge, Paul was not intending to become married. He had settled that his life would be one without a spouse, something that enabled him to do things married men wouldn't be able to do.

So my point was that if you're going to look to Paul as the example of singleness, if you're going to defend your extended singleness by pointing to Paul, then you should take on the heart and actions of Paul ... by not dating, not flirting, and so on. And such a lifestyle is extremely commendable, a very high and honorable state.

You wrote that I "have said that [I] do not like the implications of [your] exegesis." No. I will not allow you to construct a Straw Man of me so that you might knock it down. The truth is that you provided no implications of your exegesis. You simply sought to destroy Candice, and then provided no biblically-based counsel of your own.

As I asked before, what counsel do you have to offer, based on your study of Scripture, to single men and women? Or have you so deconstructed Scripture that you're left with nothing but Greek tenses and Hebrew sentence structure? Seriously -- if you disagree with Candice's counsel, what is your biblically-informed counsel?

You say about anyone who references Scripture in their writings: "I don't think it is too much to ask that a person know the [Hebrew and Greek] languages...." The Reformers would shudder at such an attitude, Adam. They would reference the priesthood of all believers, going on to say that we no longer require a highly educated Catholic priest to interpret God's Word for us. True, there are right ways and wrong ways to interpret Scripture, but it's my conviction that I don't need to be versed in the original languages to learn something from it.

Adam, I have to say that your writing comes across as arrogant, bludgeoning your competition with academics. After reading your words, I'm not left with a clearer grasp of correct doctrine or the grace of God, but a sense that you are intelligent. And that's about it. Is that your intention, to merely come across as learned and not to provide any graciously conveyed biblical counsel?

[72. Alicia said the following at 2:55 PM on Jan 8:]

72

Hi Adam,

It's not necessarily what you said that I had an issue with (even though I tend to disagree), but rather the tone that was used in writing it. Let me explain... (I have put some of your words in caps):

PUNCH 1:
"NOT ONLY THAT..."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT STATEMENT:
It comes off as a "know-it-all" attitude.

PUNCH 2:
"...YOU HAVE JUST MADE Paul command the virgins in the Corinthian congregation to get married, and yet, to not seek to change their marital status."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT STATEMENT:
You placed blame on Candice's statements with "finger-pointing".

It could have been re-worded instead to say something like, "Based on the statements that you made, it appears that it is contradictory because...." It's less harsh and condescending this way.

PUNCH 3:
"NOT ONLY THAT..."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
See Punch #1

PUNCH 4:
"YOUR INTERPRETATION COMPLETELY DISRUPTS THE TEXT OF VERSES 1-7."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
Again, it appears that what you are saying is being done in a finger-pointing type attitude and as if Candice is completely misinterpreting the Bible. (Which I believe she is not).

PUNCH 5: (These were directed, not to Candice, but to Jennifer):
"You can't be serious."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
Of course Jennifer is being serious. I believe that every person here is being serious. The response that you gave makes it sound like you're saying, "Wow, you really don't know anything do you?" As if you knew everything yourself.

You continue to write, "PLEASE READ THE CONTEXT," right after your "You can't be serious" statement, which makes it sound as if you're saying, in an unwritten way, "Jennifer, you misinterpreted the Scripture. MY interpretation is the right way. Take a lesson from me."

Again, it sounds condescending. You could have instead wrote something like, "I respect your interpretation of this verse, but I see a different interpretation when I read it. Let me share it with you..."

PUNCH 6:
"TO TURN THIS INTO A TEXT ABOUT A CORPORATE GROUP IS TO TOTALLY RIP IT FROM ITS CONTEXT."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
You are accusing someone of something very strong. Be careful from your wording.

PUNCH 7:
"NOT ONLY THAT, BUT, AGAIN, IF WE CONSIDER THE CONTEXT..."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
See Punch #1

PUNCH 8:
"BUT LET'S NOT GET SIDE-TRACKED WITH ENDLESS SPECULATION! WELL, THEN, WE WILL STICK TO THE SCRIPTURES."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
By saying this, you are inadvertently accusing the others, including Candice, about mindlessly speculating about the issue at hand, not realizing that they too are backing their argument with Scripture.

PUNCH 9:
"AND YET, WHAT DOES THE TEXT OF EPHESIANS 1:11 SAY"

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
To me, this is said in a kindergarten teacher tone that suggests, "You don't know anything. Let me tell you how it is."

PUNCH 10:
"NOT ONLY THAT"

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
See Punch #1

PUNCH 11: (Brass-knuckle hit, TKO):
"IN YOUR VIEW, HOW CAN GOD TOLERATE THE NON-ELECT AND THEIR WICKEDNESS....SURELY THIS TEXT MAKES NO SENSE, GIVEN WHAT YOU HAVE SAID IN YOUR POST."

WHAT MAKES THIS STATEMENT WRONG:
This was probably the lowest blow in the fight, because you're accusing someone of being ignorant and stupid--someone who totally hashed and misinterpreted Scripture. This is harsh and unloving and comes off as very cocky and prideful. I think that this is the attitude that Ted was referring to in his earlier post.

I hope that this clears things up. Thank you for inviting me to share my feelings and how I found some statements made to be adverse and contrary to the spirit of Love. I don't say these things to harp down on you or anything like that, but rather to show you that there is a kinder way of saying things to others, even when you don't agree with them. :)

[73. Adam said the following at 3:34 PM on Jan 8:]

73

Alicia,

Quick response now, because I have to leave.

All of your accusations are just nothing more than "it made me feel this way," or "it made me think this way." Such is totally subjective. You said that it was "condescending" and that I "verbally attacked" Candace. Please give us a clear instance of when I did this, so that we can all agree that I did it. If not, then we have nothing more than your own feelings of how it sounded. If you cannot, then I still maintain that you have slandered me.

Ted,

The reformers would not even think the way you have thought. The reformation was a revival of the original languages, and a revival of careful exegetical study of the text of scripture. Personally, I think it comes across as arrogant to say that one can go into a teaching position and not get the background necessary to use discernment.

Are you aware that the Puritans didn't just make their pastors learn Greek and Hebrew. They had to be able to engage in a debate in the topic as well!!!!!!!! I would really be struggling if I tried to become a pastor back in those days. Yet, they did it for a reason. They did it because they wanted their pastors to be able to use discernment in their handling of the text of scripture.

So, basically, all of the accusations are based upon what people thought. There is no one who can factually document anything, and thus, again, I maintain that have a sound exegesis of 1 Corinthians 7:1-9.

[74. Emily said the following at 3:35 PM on Jan 8:]

74

Dear Ted,

(in your last post to Adam)
"Seriously -- if you disagree with Candice's counsel, what is your biblically-informed counsel?"

Aren't people entitled to disagree with one another and to point out why? I don't think that our brother Adam intended to "destroy" Candice, as you had pointed out. Adam was using scripture to back his opinion.

If people are going to be criticized for disagreeing with the leadership of Boundless.org, what's the point in having a discussion?

[75. Autumn said the following at 3:54 PM on Jan 8:]

75

Adam,
As a high school senior who visits this blog because it is really good "food for thought", you quite frankly scare me to death. Your know-it-all attitude regarding the scripture and your bosting about your education are frightning. People like you are one of the reasons that I am scared to go to college, specificaly, a christian college. Don't get me wrong, I'm sooo excited to go to a school where I, and my teachers, can discuss theology and religion openly and freely, and where I can discuss issues with others who believe differently than me. There aren't a lot of people like that in my small town :) But your spouting off of classes is not at all impressive. People who feel the need to boast like that are sickening to me. The most truly intelligent people that I know are also some of most quiet and humble people that I know. The ability to admit your mistakes and your shortcomings, i think, is a sign of intelligence and integrity. Without that ability, you can have an impressive list of degrees from an impressive school, but still not be respected or considered intelligent. So please, before you go spouting off all your knowledge and exegetics, consider how you are coming across to others, and if you really want others to listen to what you have to say.

[76. Alicia said the following at 3:56 PM on Jan 8:]

76

I did point it out to you Adam--did you just not get it? I also did not slander you before....to use your own argument, "Can you prove it or are you just being subjective in your feelings about how I responded to you?"

I would like to get back onto the original topic about singles and married people please. Thank you.

[77. k. said the following at 4:28 PM on Jan 8:]

77

Wow -- a heated discussion. My attention was drawn particularly by what Ted and csw had to say.

Ted...I was a little surprised by your response to Adam. Your responses, too, sometimes come across as smug and condescending. Your tone can, at times, be EXACTLY what you object to.

As for csw...she thinks sassy sister could benefit from reading Debbie Maken; I think csw would benefit by reading Hamlet. The Shakespeare quote she uses is 1-wrongly applied to sassy sister (who hardly seems to be 'protesting too much,' or for that matter, 'vulnerable'), and 2-misquoted anyway.

[78. Ted Slater said the following at 4:41 PM on Jan 8:]

78

Adam -- why are you avoiding answer my primary question? If you disagree with Candice's counsel, what is your biblically-informed counsel?

It seems like you're arguing that only "pastors," fluent in ancient Greek and Hebrew, should be allowed to draw meaning from Scripture in their writings. That those who edit and write for Christian publications should have as a prerequisite a mastery of biblical languages. Is my understanding correct?

Do you condemn house churches in China and India and Brazil and other parts of the world, many of whose "pastors" may be barely literate?

Is it in fact only true that "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable" when that Scripture is read in the original language? That sounds to me more in line with Islamic doctrine than Christian doctrine, Adam.

The truth is that the Reformers encouraged laity to read Scripture, a consequence of the doctrine of "universal priesthood." While I expect my pastors to know the source of our doctrine (the Bible) in its original languages, I as a mere layman am able to draw truth from its pages by merely studying it in English. This conviction is consistent with what the Reformers preached.

Dissecting Scripture is of some value, Adam, but if you stop there, your efforts are of no benefit to anyone. If Scripture is indeed "profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness," then let me implore you not to stop with merely deconstructing Candice's interpretation of 1 Cor. 7; provide counsel of your own, based on your study of Scripture.

Even now I imagine you're gearing up to present the nuances of 2 Tim 3:16, nuances that prove that I don't know what I'm talking about because I merely read Scripture in English.

Adam, you continue to critique the rhetorical approach with which Candice and I have written, seeming unaware of the acerbic tone you've adopted, but refuse to address the practical points of the matter. You seem to be floating along at an aloof, academic level, without providing any application to the issue at hand. Are you unable to do so? Is it really your intention to stand high above us all like some cosmic referee, merely poking your hand in once in a while to straighten things out? Or are you willing to condescend and contribute some gracious counsel based on your studies of Scripture?

Emily -- you write, "Adam was using scripture to back his opinion." No, he wasn't. And that's the point. He hasn't given us his opinion. He's merely bludgeoning Candice with academics. He's using his skills not to build up, but to tear down.

I, in fact, would like to have a discussion with Adam, rather than always being on the receiving end of his academic indignation.

[79. Jennifer said the following at 4:49 PM on Jan 8:]

79

Sassy Sis said: "Jennifer: involuntary protracted singleness is not the problem that disturbs me in these posts. What disturbs me is the LACK OF BALANCE and the FOCUS in these posts---it's the fact that your post and CSW's imply that somehow marriage is the answer for whatever deep issues are ailing singles."

And to Candice: "the one thing I've realized in these posts is that people have already made up their mind to particular position or ATTITUDE towards singleness and marriage, whether negative or positive."

Again, sis, NOWHERE has anyone suggested that marriage is the answer for all problems facing all singles -- an impression you seem to be getting perhaps because you've already made up YOUR mind about where we're coming from, rather than reading our posts carefully. We are more than just concerned with the issue of protracted singleness for the sake of the individual who suffers with it, but also FOR THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE CHURCH AND FOR SOCIETY AS A WHOLE.

Did you know that the marriage and birth rates have been dropping, even for Christians (especially women) for decades? Do you understand that protracted singleness isn't just a problem as far as individuals feeling lonely and "discontent", it's the collective effects of widespread protracted singleness (most of who WILL feel discontent in their singleness, no matter how much you preach at them) across mass numbers of people? In saying "involuntary protracted singleness is not the problem that disturbs me in these posts", you seem to be denying these realities.

How can we find solutions to these problems, if every time we enter into any discussion of them, we are accused of "making marriage into an idol"? If you're going to expound on the importance of "balance and focus", then it's only fair to join with us in rethinking some of the "just-Jesus-n-me" teachings that have enabled this problem to go unaddressed for the past few decades.

[80. Childless single woman said the following at 4:56 PM on Jan 8:]

80

I thought I would spend a little time this evening in addressing Adam's points.

To make this easier, I copied and pasted all of his comments onto a Word doc.

And then, out of curiosity, I did a word count.

Adam has written a grand total of 4,775 words on this post alone.

Ted, it is not so much that Adam is "clever with words", merely very generous with them. To the extent that he becomes impossible to argue with, because you would pass out with fatigue long before you are done!

Basically, the gist seems to be, if it's God's will, it will happen; if it isn't, it won't.

So people, this is great news! There's no need to study, no need to look for a job, no need to eat, no need to drink, no need to breathe...There's also no need to help people, no need to fight injustice, no need to correct false teaching...

There is nothing we can do about anything -- ever -- because, as Adam has kindly reminded us, God is sovereign.

So that means we just need to do...er...nothing.

About anything.

That's the Christian life, according to Adam, summed up in two sentences. No need, after all, for those thousands of words! (Oh, yeah, sprinkled in with some words of Scripture to make it have the appearance of wisdom. And a few little cute patterns pointed out here and there.)

God Bless.
(Or not. After all, if it's God's will that you be blessed...)

[81. Chris Krycho said the following at 6:53 PM on Jan 8:]

81

Adam,

From the American Heritage Dictionary:
condescend: To deal with people in a patronizingly superior manner.

Alicia pointed out numerous examples of instances where you dealt with people in a patronizingly superior manner. That you are unwilling to accept any correction does not speak well of you. Your assuredness of being right is a dangerous ground to walk on. You may be right (and in a lot of cases I agree with you) - but your confidence in yourself can lead to your undoing. Remember Paul's admonition to the Corinthians on a topic even more controversial than this one: knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.

The fact that you have more knowledge than most of the people here does not make you better than them; nor does it give you the right to be rude - which you have done, though you have chosen not to admit it.

On another note, I, like Ted, would appreciate it if you did not simply attack what you see as false views (for reasons you've amply elaborated here and in other threads several times already) and stated instead what you think a Biblical view is rather than simply what it is not. You're certainly entitled to repeat your arguments against the propositions proposed, but after a time you begin to lose some of your cache if you do not raise your own proposition.

And you could at the very least demonstrate some common courtesy by keeping an eye on your spelling. It is, as has been noted, Candice, not Candace. :-)

God bless!

[82. BDB said the following at 11:32 PM on Jan 8:]

82

Gosh, what happened? Everybody got mean so quickly...

Let's see here, Candice Watters wrote:

>>But it baffles me that so many commenters on this blog make the leap from that truth to believing if you ask marriage to meet any needs -- even the ones God created it to meet -- you're an idolater. <<

Spoken like someone with a happy marriage!

I can tell you the exact point when my family stopped pressuring me to get married: when my cousin got divorced. She is one year older, it ended badly after less than two years, and she's withrawn somewhat from the family since. I never actually asked anyone to stop the pressure, they just all did at once. And, honestly, I don't entirely understand what happened with my cousin. She went back to college and bought a house.

In fact, I found myself in the odd situation over the holidays of my mother complaining that her church is TOO focused on families and children. (If my mother knew I was reading this blog, it might start an argument.)

After all, a lot of men grew up in homes where they never saw their father lead, and a lot of women grew up in homes where their mother was never a "helpmeet." If someone never experienced or observed marriage meeting any needs, they're not going to be terribly motivated to try. I'm certain that this is why widows and widowers from good marriages remarry so quickly: they DO know why it's worth it. And they already know how to do it.

Meanwhile, I know women who never saw their father lead, and when some guy starts leading, she rejects him because it violates her "boundaries," by which I mean that she allocates all decisions about career, spending, etc. to herself and herself alone, and expects to continue to do so after marriage.

At the same time, men who've never seen their mother be supportive and respectful to their father may be confused if some woman from a healtheir home starts to do that to him. I've seen several men handle that kind of attention in ways that don't get anyone closer to marriage. Poor reactions include everything from assuming that it's just about sex to thinking he can just enjoy it while it lasts, taking no initiative on his own.

Perhaps it would be helpful to have an article or two outlining how to create a successful marriage for children of divorce.

Autumn wrote:

>>People like you are one of the reasons that I am scared to go to college, specificaly, a christian college.<<

Goodness, it's not your fellow students who will be like that. Adam does strike me as someone who will be a PhD student, if he's not already. You will have a few professors like this, but in my experience, less than 5% them. You can learn from forceful people, even if they aren't nice to you. I found myself in an uncomfortable discussion with a good friend, I was complaining about how a certain professor disrespected my faith, and she sheepishly told me he was her advisor for her honors project because he was really smart.

[83. Nat said the following at 8:27 AM on Jan 9:]

83

It is really a heated discussion! I think, it gets that way because desiring to marry is such a painful question for singles (most singles, let’s say), so it quickly goes down to discussing whether it’s better to be married or remain single and what the Bible says about it. But this is not what Candice was saying. To me, she addressed the heart attitude, which comes with prolonged singleness. There are degrees of being content with being single, there is this thing as saying in one’s heart “I am so happy to be single and my life is so self-satisfying, that there is no point for me to desire that marriage thing, who knows whether it would be better, Paul did not recommend it any way”. It’s a kind of self-defensive attitude, when one’s personal struggle of STILL being single seeks to justify itself in some “lifestyle advantages” that he or she now has. Although it might help “to hang in there” in a short term, it certainly does not bring us any closer to marriage or being ready to accept the relationship into our life. It’s an attitude of desperation and it hardens the heart. There is lack of vulnerability, lack of wishing and passionately desiring to get married. It also makes it hard to pray to get married and to meet the right person, because it immediately brings down the frustration: so, I am praying, and nothing happens, I should have just been content with whatever I had. I believe it might even block marriage to happen. Singles get so tough in their hearts, that they might not be open to the opportunities that come their way.
I think the change comes with prayer. The best thing that happened for me in this area is that God gave me a married couple – friends who began to passionately pray for me. It brought so many changes to my thinking. My confession changed from “I would rather be alone and serve God if nothing else” to “I will not be alone! I am going to get married soon! Thanks, Daddy!”
I think when we are ready in our heart, God will not delay even a minute to bring the right person into our life. But we have to work in this together with Him, developing the right attitude, tender heart, and expectancy, which lifts up our faith and opens the door for a change in our life.

[84. John said the following at 8:52 AM on Jan 9:]

84

"I don't disagree with what you said. If a guy asks a girl to marry him, she says yes, and they get married, then it was God's will."

Really?

You've got a long way to go if that's your understanding.

Wow.

Directions: Take nose out of book, put into real world. Get proper understanding of God and world.

[85. Alicia said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 9:]

85

Nat,

That was absolutely beautiful! :) I really enjoyed reading your post. That is the position that I have found myself in after reading all the posts in this singles blog.

I used to pray, "Lord, I want to be married....but only if Your Will! Well, it must not be Your Will because I'm not married yet...soo.....(shuffles feet)...would You please bless my life in some other way? I really WANT to get married God, but...I dunno, I guess that I shouldn't have that desire. So, I lay it down before You and ask You to do big things in my life. Please take away the desire for marriage, because it would hurt to much to keep wanting it, but never recieving it."

BUT! :)

Now my prayer has changed to, "Lord, I believe in my heart that is Your Will for me to marry a Godly Christian man someday. He hasn't come into my life yet because I know that there are areas of my life that You would still like to work on. I pray that You would fill my single days with joy and happiness and that You would also bless the days after I find "him" and get married. I don't want to look back at my single days with sadness, I want to see joy. And I don't want to look ahead to my married days and see sadness, I want to see joy there too. I pray that You would bless my heart and life with the right intentions. I am believing that this is Your Will for my life, because the desire to marry is there. I know that You will not give me anything that is harmful, just like a father will not give a child that he loves a snake if he asks for a fish. I believe in my heart of hearts that this is Your Will for my life and am going to step forward in faith, pursuing it in a Godly way. I know that if it's not right, that You will show me in due time like You always do. But, until then, because the desire is there, I believe that it is something that You have called good and I ask You to bless me in it. Thank You for all that You are going to be doing in my life and Thank You for all that You have already done. I love You." :)

I faced a similar situation, dealing with prayer and believing in faith for God's answer, when my Grandma was in the hospital last year. She was in the ICU and the doctors said that there wasn't anything that could be done for her. She was slipping away, her pulse becoming weaker and weaker and the doctors were sending us in one by one to say goodbye to her.

I don't what it was in me (the Holy Spirit I guess!) :), but I kept thinking, "Wait, maybe Jesus wants to heal her." My family around me were all talking about "saying goodbye" and how it was "better for her to go Home to be with Jesus."

But I wanted to spend some more time with her. I wanted to say goodbye while she was coherant. I felt like God put the verse into my heart, "Don't be afraid, just believe."

I kept telling my family, "God CAN heal her you know. Maybe it's NOT her time to go yet."

The most remarkable thing began to happen. Her heart rate started to come up and the doctors moved her out of ICU to a regular room.

Yet still, the doctors and my family kept saying, "They're putting her in a regular room so that she can just die peacefully. There is nothing more that they can do."

But I still kept hearing that verse in my head, "Don't be afraid, just believe."

We were all gathered around my Grandma, stroking her hands and feet as she lay there, telling her how much we loved her and hoping that she could hear us tell her those things. Everyone was so convinced that she was going to die that day.

But again, that verse kept running through my head and heart...

I was holding my Grandma's hand, telling her how much I loved her and decided to start praying for her.

I prayed, "God, I don't know if it's Your Will for You to heal Grandma or not, but the Bible is full of stories of people who have been healed by You and I'm trusting that it IS Your Will to heal her. I know that if it's not Your Will to heal her, that You will let me know.

But until then, I'M BELIEVING THAT YOUR ANSWER IS YES, UNTIL YOU TELL ME NO."

I felt this wave of heat wash over me and about 10 to 15 seconds later, (I'm not joking), my Grandma sits straight up in bed, her eyes fling wide open, she starts trying to talk and to take the breathing mask off of her face!!! It was the most "wow" and miraculous thing that I have ever seen in my life! :oO! :)!!!

God DID end up healing her that day. He gave us about 3 more precious months with her and they were the most blessed times that I have spent with her in her entire life. :)

My point is this to all of you singles out there (me included):

I think that rather than praying, "Oh Lord, IF it is Your Will, then please let me get married." God knows that if you're walking with Him, that You're already seeking His Will for your life.

I think that we should be praying instead,

"Lord, I want to be married to a Godly spouse. If it's not Your Will for me to marry, then I know that You'll show me.

But until then, I'M BELIEVING THAT YOUR ANSWER IS YES, UNTIL YOU TELL ME NO." :)

And He will. God is faithful. :) I think that as long as a little piece of that desire to be married is still there in your heart, that you can still pray that prayer in faith, knowing that it's still possible. :)

[86. Alicia said the following at 3:23 PM on Jan 9:]

86

Childless single woman:

(Chuckles and shakes head) You're funny :) Thanks for proving a good point...and for bringing a smile to my face while you did. :)

[87. anthony said the following at 4:44 PM on Jan 9:]

87

why I have a gripe with stuff like this...
I rarely hear of a "single" person (no pun intended) that had a problem in waiting or desiring for a mate, who changed something different in their personal life and then moved into marraige???
Where are those stories?
Nat's post is inspiring and goes along with what I have been hearing lately. Placing your expectations in God for a godly desire that you have. Confess what he has made real in your heart and wait for it.
Right now, it's in my heart to want to sow into the lives of my friends who are getting engaged now and are married! (i'm 24 so they're popping up left and right)
Now there are times where God may have other plans and supercedes my desire because he is looking @ the grand scheme of things. Hopefully, he then places the grace in my heart to deal with the unfulfilled desire.
I would like to hear someone who is now married after having gone through the season of singleness and how they may have battled with all the differing opinions that exists on this board.

[88. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 7:59 PM on Jan 9:]

88

Alicia,

I like the analogy you've drawn between healing and marriage. The scriptures teach that God is for us. Being sick, like being involuntarily single for decades, is not the preferred state of being.

I hope you don't get too criticised for introducing it. Being unmarried is not analagous to being sick; I understand that. I hope others do too.

[89. John said the following at 8:17 PM on Jan 9:]

89

Just pray for a Godly person to marry!!!

Dang, do you people need a road map for everything?

People try to spiritulize things way too much.

And trust me, marriage is work, it ain't the end of the game!

Before anybody starts, I ain't belittling anyone's struggle, but man, the Christian community can certainly make a mountain out of this mole hill.

Believe me when I tell you this, there IS someone for everyone. Unless you are called to be cellibate, which very very few are, there is someone for you.

I'm sorry, it just wasn't that difficult for me.

I love my wife, kid, family, the whole schabang, but before them I had Jesus and I was cool with Him.

I would qualify somethings, but it would make this post way too long.

Trust God, do your part!

[90. BDB said the following at 9:22 PM on Jan 9:]

90

Chris Krycho wrote:

>>but after a time you begin to lose some of your cache if you do not raise your own proposition.<<

Incidentally, this is why Adam sounds like a PhD student to me. We had a joke in graduate school that once you get a PhD, you're not allowed to have an opinion of your own, you can only cite the opinions of others...using both the primary and secondary literature...properly annotated...

They also said that with a graduate student, you put in a quarter and get a 15-page paper. I think that's only 3,740 words when double-spaced, in 12 pt Times Roman type and 1.25" side margins...

[91. Alicia said the following at 10:19 PM on Jan 9:]

91

ANDREW:

Thank you for understanding what I was trying to explain Andrew. I appreciate that. :) I'm glad that you were encouraged by her story and how God healed her to spend more time with my family and I.

You're right. Being single isn't the preferred state of being for those that are called to be married (for those who desire marriage).

Ecclesiastes 4:8-14 talks about the challenges of being single (whether it deals with friends or spouses):

"There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"

This too is meaningless—a miserable business!

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

God is Good. :) I pray that He will bless your heart's desires and that He will also bless the heart's desires of all of those here who desire to be married one day.

God's blessing on you all. :) (Heh heh, on me too) ;)

JOHN:

John, I loved how downright straightforward you were. My mom actually said the same thing when I mentioned this blog to her--that people nit-pick and over-spiritualize things. I guess that mom is always right! lol :D (You too, lol)

CANDICE:

I am wondering since you're in favor of God's blessing on singles who would like to get married someday (I am too)...I'm wondering if you're planning on writing an article that tells young women (and men) HOW to get prepared best for marriage.

The Lord knows that there are still many things that He needs to work on in my life before I'm ready for marriage (not that I'll ever be 100% ready, but I know that I would like to be more ready)...could you please provide some direction about what a woman could or should be doing to prepare herself to be a wife while she is waiting for God to bring that "special someone" into her life?

I'd love to hear your advice on it! I love reading all of your articles--I have so many saved under my "Favorites" tab on my computer. :)

Thanks!

[92. Alicia said the following at 10:59 PM on Jan 10:]

92

Wow, so is that the end to this blog? :*( I got so much from it, I wish that it'd continue! :)

Anyways, for those of you who DO happen upon this page sometime in the future, I'd like to share this AWESOME single woman's prayer that I found in the book called, "The King's Daugther" by Diana Hagee. Enjoy! :)

PRAYER FOR SINGLE WOMEN:

"As a single woman I seek You to guide me and direct every step I take. I won't look at others to complete me, because I have You as my Companion, Friend, Brother, Father, and Lord. Help me to be complete in You, Lord. You created me with a purpose, and I know Your desire is for me to wait for Your best. I do hereby commit myself to you, to remain pure and set apart until I marry. I ask You, Father, to prepare the man You created for my husband to recieve me as You have recieved me. I want to have a heart after the Father, that the joy of the Lord is my strength. Amen."

It also includes a prayer for women who are single and content in their single situation:

"Father, as a single woman I acknowledge my place in You and Your role in my life. I know You as my Savior, and I believe in You and Your Word. The spiritual strength I recieve from You enables me to be happy and fulfilled regardless of my marital status. Protect my thought life, and give me the discipline to cast down every vain imagination and take captive every idle thought. I desire a passion for Your holiness so that I may experience Your fullness in my life as I seek to know You, love You, and follow Your Word. Amen."

As I thought about all the conflicting posts that were written during this blog, a verse came to my heart:

Romans 14:1-23

It is talking about the eating or not eating of vegetables, but I think that it applies here too.....some people are anticipating marriage one day, while others feel content being single.

Rather than putting each other down, we should be content with the faith that God has put into our heart for our personal situation, knowing that we are each glorifying the Lord in our beliefs.....being single for some and longing for marriage in others. Both seek to glorify the Lord and that is what matters. :)

[93. Jennifer said the following at 3:38 PM on Jan 11:]

93

When Jennifer said about Romans 8:28: "There's a difference between saying that God works all things to our good, and saying that all things are for our own good. In the former biblical context, God's work is largely corporate and missional, rather than personal and "what's-in-it-for-me"?

Adam said "You can't be serious. Please read the context"

Actually Adam, I am serious -- because of the context. Let's look at Romans 8:28-30 again:

Romans 8:28-30 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the FIRSTBORN among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified."

Note "first born" in verse 29.

Interesting that you quote Ephesians 1:11 without verse 12, which gives us a much fuller context: In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the FIRST to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.

Both of these passages (as well as Romans 9:21-24) are written in the context of encouraging the FIRST Christians of the early church. As I've said before, wherever suffering is deemed to be "God's will" in the NT, it's always in the context of the persecution and travails of the early Christians, for the sake of the church.

And as for Romans 12:2, that verse (the entire chapter, in fact, as are the next 3 that follow) is clearly about conforming to God's moral will (NOT a statement proclaiming all circumstances to be "God's will", as you use it to suggest). Read as follows: "Do not be conformed to this world, [1] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. [2]."

Does this mean that I deny that God works in "all things"? No, He is at work in all things. Do I deny that He works for our good, or has plans for us? No, He works toward our good (our redemption and glory in Christ -- his ultimate plans). Sin (which is not pleasing to God, even if it does occur under his ordinance) is a reality in our fallen world, and so we tread on dangerous ground when we make the logical leap to declare specific things that occur as "God's will" (or even worse "for our own good"), even God can (no one said He "couldn't", as you've mischaracterized) use anything for His good -- indeed, nothing frustrates God's purposes.

Besides, if we really are "to stick to the scriptures", as you say, then we must concede that there are so many more biblical references to come to Him to be healed, delivered, made whole, etc. And not one instance where we are told not to.

[94. Emily said the following at 6:39 PM on Jan 12:]

94

I have some questions for men and women who have a strong desire to marry. Keep in mind, these are mental exercises that have helped me and if this helps you, great. If not, that's okay.

1)Why do you want to get married?

Then, I have some questions for you to ask yourselves.

1) How do I see myself as a single person? Do I feel as if I am valuable? What about being single brings up negative feelings about being single?

2) What characteristics am I looking for in a life partner?

3) How do I feel when I receive or don't receive attention from the opposite gender? Why?

I regard marriage highly, so these questions were not designed to make you feel as if wanting to be married is negative. I also regard singleness highly, so these questions were not designed to make you feel as if being single is negative.

Please let me know if you need any clarification or would like me to elaborate on how I went through these exercises myself. Have a good weekend.

[95. stuart said the following at 4:54 AM on Jul 8:]

95

Imagine you're 37 and never had a date - can't seem to meet anyone who is interested, and then tell me about faith. Sorry, but the wait has just about killed my faith (not to mention self esteem, confidence etc).Resigned to being single for the rest of my life? Why would I be thinking otherwise?
Week after week after year after year and still nothing...

[96. Rachael said the following at 8:59 AM on Jul 8:]

96

Stuart,

Not sure if marriage is what God has in store for you or not, but, if there is someone, imagine what you can bring to the table. Maturity and molding has most likely accompanied your years. I'm dating someone who is 37 (& I'll be 28 this month), and I'm glad he's still available. I think that's cool that you haven't had a date. Imagine, if you do date one day, how excited the girl would be that she would be the first one, especially if she is the one you marry. I think that would be SO cool to date only one person. I wish my future husband would be my only date--I haven't dated/hung out with many and only one of those was a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but, I can't change the past. I wish it always worked that way where there is only one person you ever date and marry, but somehow it doesn't usually work that way...but how cool if it does!

[97. brx said the following at 1:59 PM on Jul 8:]

97

Hey Stuart,

I could be off in interpreting your comment, but incase I'm on, I'll mention it. I was thinking it can be very helpful to seek out a few older, wiser, married couples who seem to be mature in their Christian faith and ask them to be mentors/life-coaches - and not merely in the relationship area. This takes much humility before others and trust in God to grow us through the trials.

Just a thought, and if it helps, great.

Grace, peace, adventure, and a deep security in Christ

[1. Tami said the following at 5:39 PM on Jan 3:]

1

Candice - unfortunately that's the tone I've noticed in a lot of CT's female-authored singles newsletters. I find they bring me down, to the point where I've felt convicted to stop reading them.

I know there's no guarantee that I'll get married, but I'd rather have my faith stretched and learn to be "importunate in prayer," than carry a heavy weight of resignation around with me. If that prayer doesn't get answered, at least I'm learning how to petition a loving, giving God who supplies my every need, and growing in my relationship with Him.

I wonder if Camerin Courtney visits this site?

(That said, I've also read articles on other blogs that on the one hand shame me for being single, AND at the same time tell me I'm "idolatrous" because I deeply desire to be married!)

[2. Elizabeth said the following at 7:00 PM on Jan 3:]

2

First of all thank you for your various posts. They are quite thought provoking.
I would have to say I disagree with your comments about CT's post. I found the article authentic and very encouraging. The author wrote that article during a particular season in her life, two years ago. She has written various other articles sharing her very honest struggles about her life as a single woman, a life that many single women can relate to. I do not believe that she has resigned to being single, she is simply being content in all things. Is that not what we are called to be as Christians? Aren't we also called to be thankful for all things, even singleness(as we wait and trust), even if our longing is left unfulfilled?
I desire to be married and am praying for a man of God's own heart. But the reality is that God has called me to live--today-- now with all its ups and downs as a single woman. I have not resigned nor am I hiding away in my apartment. I am trusting in the Lord, while doing what He's called me to me pursue. I do have faith that He will answer, in meantime I am called to live the abundant life He desires for me.

[3. Adam said the following at 7:08 PM on Jan 3:]

3

Candace,

While I agree that it is good to pray for someone to get a spouse, I think it must always be done remembering that God is sovereign over our lives. That is, there is nothing we can do to "make it more likely" that it will happen. Such a statement makes it sound like whether or not someone will get married is a role of the dice, and that it is partly up to us.

However, if God wants someone to serve them as single for the rest of their lives, then he knows what is best for them, no matter how much that person may desire to marry. They will remain single no matter what they do. God can certainly use human actions [which he also ordains] to bring a spouse to someone, but he is under no obligation to do so.

I think this is a big problem for Christian singles. Many of them think that if they just "Get Serious About Getting Married," God will somehow be obligated to give them a spouse, or, at least, make it more likely that God will give them a spouse. The thing we have to remember is that God's plan for our lives is better than anything we could ever imagine. The Bible calls his will "good, pleasing, and perfect" [Romans 12:2]. Paul also goes on in Ephesians to say that God "Works all things after the council of his will" [Ephesians 1:11]. The question therefore becomes whether or not, if God does say "no" to our pursuits, we are willing to trust him in his "good, pleasing, and perfect will."

Thus, I would say it is not a role of the dice, and not dependent upon us at all. People always can, will, and should pursue relationships with those in whom they are interested, but God has the ultimate say in whether or not that pursuit will be successful. That is something that we need to recognize.

It is also something for which I am glad. It is comforting to know that God is in control of my life, and that things will always work out for my good, with or without marriage [Romans 8:28]. It is something in which I believe all singles need to take comfort.

God Bless,
Adam

[4. Jennifer E. Jones said the following at 7:51 PM on Jan 3:]

4

Personally, I've resigned to stop reading singles articles. Now that I'm rounding the base towards 30, I've read every kind of "enjoy your singleness" article and book there is, and they're all the same.

I want to read about where to meet guys and how to make a marriage work. I want to learn the skills I'll need to be a good wife.

I'm with Candice on this one. At this stage, I'd rather work towards making it in the Major League instead of celebrating life in the Minors.

[5. dana111 said the following at 9:54 PM on Jan 3:]

5

Long post ahead. I have some questions that I have decided to propose during this post. If anyone is annoyed, I apologize. If anyone wants to answer my concerns, that would be great!! There are so many examples of married couples in the Bible. Which couples in the Bible are shown wondering if it was God's will for them to marry? Did Ruth and Boaz, Abraham and Sara, Hosea and his wife (God actually commanded him to marry his wife), Mary and Joseph? What about Proverbs 18:22- "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord"? We are supposed to live our lives sola scriptura, by scripture alone. Yet, why, when it comes to marriage, we don't want to pay attention the the biblical passages that directly relate to scripture. 1 Corinthians 7 is a whole entire chapter about marriage. Paul does commend living a life of celebacy (and, I believe if a man or a woman feels called to celibacy, they should neither date nor flirt with members of the opposite sex... just my opinion), yet he does acknowledge that his feelings concerning people staying unmarried are his opinions, not commands from God. He openly acknowledges that the desire for sex is important, important enough to marry. We always talk about God's will. Yes, doing God's will is the most imporant thing a follower of Christ can do. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul does advises the Corinthians to remain in the states in which they were called. I have seen this admonition used to justify why singles should not seek marriage. However, Paul tells slaves that while they shouldn't worry about not being free, if they are able to become free, they should rather do that. Can/should we use this same logic in regards to marriage?? In verse 28 of Chapter 7, Paul says "But if you should marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin shoud marry, she has not sinned." Paul doesn't say anything about "waiting on the Lord." He tells men and women plainly, yes, marriage will be difficult, especially at this present moment. But, if you want to marry and do marry, it's okay. In verse 36, Paul tells men that if they feel as though they are "acting unbecomingly towards his virgin (from what I have read, it has been debated historically if the word "virgin" means a betrothed man's fiancee or a father's virgin daughter), if she should be of full age, and if it must be so, let him DO WHAT HE WISHES, he DOES NOT SIN; let her marry." In verse 39, Paul tells a widow is FREE TO BE MARRIED TO WHOM SHE WISHES, only in the Lord, of course. There are so many instances in Paul's letters in which he refers to waiting on the Lord and seeking God's will. Adam in his earlier post pointed to two great passages of scripture, Romans 12:2 and Ephesians 1:11. Paul could have easily told the unmarried people that there singleness was "God's will" and they should be content. But, unless I am reading something wrong or my theology is off, Paul doesn't use that language in 1 Corinthians 7. The majority of the chapter is his opinion. Why didn't Paul use the same language in 1 Corinthians 7 as he did in Romans and Hebrews?? We are so afraid of making mistakes, so afraid of somehow "missing God's will" and moving ahead of his timing. If we believe in the supremacy of God and adhere to the Calvinistic view of God's will, could we say that if a man wants to marry, proposes to a girl, and she says yes, that is what God wanted in the first place? Why are we so afraid of marriage that we even question a person's desire to pray for it??? Personally, I have stopped pretending that I don't want marriage and children. I have stopped being intimidated into denying my desires, and I have stopped allowing people to make me feel that it is better for me as a woman to strive for more education or a better job or a more lucrative career opportunity than to hope and pray for marriage and family.

[6. Darin said the following at 11:02 PM on Jan 3:]

6

Are we talking about people who are truly content being single? If so then we should not discourage their gift.

Are we talking about singles who have surrendered to God something that they have stressed out over for far too long already? Then far be it from me to tell them they should take it back on their own shoulders.

On the other hand...

Are we talking about singles who have become masters of denial about their desire for marriage? Are we talking about people who are using the "I'm just waiting on God" line as a smoke screen, but find/create/imagine some reason to run away from every opportunity that God sends their way?

Obviously there are two classes of "resigned" singles. The former group has found a place of contentment. The second group is living a lie and trying to suppress feelings that are bound to keep working their way back to the surface. (In my single's Bible study these became known as "single moments".)

In my opinion, these people need more than just teaching on how to find a marriage partner. They need help sorting out their feelings; they need help finding healthy coping mechanisms; and they need help putting their fears and inhibitions in perspective so that when their opportunity does come then they will be ready to sieze it.

[7. Alicia said the following at 11:37 PM on Jan 3:]

7

Hear, hear Jennifer! I really agree with your blog comments and I'm right there with you and Candace....there should be more articles about how to become the best Christian wife that a woman can be. I agree that God's Will is sovereign and that His plans for a person's life will ultimately succeed for him or her. But doesn't the Bible also say that "it's not good for man to be alone?"

My pastor pointed out that when God made this statement about Adam, Adam was enjoying a perfect fellowship with God. Adam had not sinned and broken fellowship yet and was, in fact, perfect. The Bible says that God "walked in the Garden" and "called out" to Adam. God was also the One that brought all the animals before him to name.

God and Adam shared a perfect communication and relationship with one another....yet....

....yet God still saw something that wasn't right.

In all of God's creation, He declared, "It is good." God never lies. He saw it and declared it good. Yet...

...yet, in all of His creation, He saw Adam and saw something that was NOT good...and declared it as such.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I find it interesting that God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve. He could have made her from the dust, just like He created Adam. Yet, God decided to create Eve from a piece of Adam. Adam saw Eve and declared, "This is bone of MY bone and flesh of MY flesh."

Without that rib, Adam was not complete. Eve was that missing piece.

I think that it's similar to the Church. Technically, we don't need other people. We're supposed to be 100% reliant on God, because only God can ultimately fulfill our deepest desires. Yet God CHOOSES to make Himself known through the Church, His Bride. Our fulfillment comes through God alone, but I believe that He often reveals Himself to us through other people.

Take Jesus for instance. He didn't need to be born to earthly parents. He was perfect. He was the Son of God. He relied on God while He was here on earth. Yet...(hahaha, here comes that "yet" again)...

...yet...Jesus relied on Mary and Joseph to raise Him as He grew up. He relied on the woman who poured oil on Him when He was preparing to die. He allowed some women to financially support Him and the disciples in their ministry. He, the perfect Son of God, relied on His three closest friends and disciples to pray for Him in His darkest hour. Jesus had a perfect relationship with God, yet He still relied on others to get through this life as a human being.

I think that God designed it that way. God Himself is a "community"--three in one, the Holy Trinity. I believe that He also created people to be in fellowship with one another....and like Adam, He creates many people to be married...to find that "missing piece" in another person. Not that the person can fully fullfill every hope and desire in your heart, because that person is flawed, just like every other human being.

But God will still work through your future spouse as a way of displaying His love to you, just like He does in other friendships, etc. It's not a complete picture of His love for us (because only He can fully display it), but they are bits and pieces of it--reminders of His great love for us.

I personally feel like God is working on/in different aspects of my life to get me ready for marriage. I sometimes get discouraged because a Church that I used to attend used to teach that you shouldn't search for marriage. That God would literally bring your future spouse "right to your door." (Yah, some actually said this!) A friend of mine believes this and is still waiting for her future spouse....and she's in her 60's.

I might be wrong, but I'll go out on a limb and say it. A friend of mine and I have been discussing it lately. The Bible talks much about faith and the importance of it. But it also says that "Faith without works is dead." Meaning, the outward representation of your faith is found in what you do. Works won't save you. Only faith will. But faith will show itself and "materialize" in the works that we do. So....just a thought...maybe God wants us, not only to believe in Him for marriage, but to also put yourself in a position where you can find someone. To do the "works" part that stems from your faith in finding a spouse.

I dunno, what do you think? These are my thoughts, I'd love to hear what others say.

--Alicia

PS: Sorry for being a little (or a lot!) long-winded. Sometimes when I start writing I can't stop).

PPS:
You are an amazing writer Candace! Still one of my favorites! Thank you so much for giving so many of us women hope in the dream of marriage. :)

[8. Alicia said the following at 11:46 PM on Jan 3:]

8

One more comment...I almost forgot...

Why do people automatically assume that God's answer is going to be "no?"

The Bible says that marriage itself is good ("He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing.") Peter himself was married (Jesus healed his mother-in-law of a fever, remember?)

Aren't we supposed to pray in faith?

I think about the woman with the issue of blood in the Bible. She reached out in faith and touched Jesus--took something in faith that her heart desired (to be healed) and was healed as a result. She could have stepped back and said, "Well, if God reaaallly wants to heal me, then He will. But I'll leave that up to Him."

No, I think that she reached out in faith, because she figured she had nothing to lose. She had tried everything else. God IS sovereign and He won't give us something if it's bad for us.

But isn't it wrong to automatically assume that God's answer is going to be "no?" before we even ask Him for it?

Marriage in and of itself is not wrong. The Bible declares that it is good. The Bible also says that it's not good for man to be alone. Based on these two premises, it appears to me that God would be more willing to bless a person's desire for marriage than He would be to turn them away from it.

Maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm right, but wouldn't it be safe to seek God for a compatible spouse and to reach out for it than to sit back and just wait? Doesn't the Bible say to knock and keep knocking?

Marriage appears to be Godly and Good if it's sought under the Lord's guidance....don't you think that we should pursue it in a Godly way and that if it's wrong God will lovingly stop us and tell us that He has a different plan for our lives?

Shouldn't we try (because there is nothing inherently wrong with it) until we hear God say no?

Just another little (ok, long) thought. :)

--Alicia

[9. DannieA said the following at 12:18 AM on Jan 4:]

9

Be content with today...for tomorrow may never come. How is it honoring God to live a "woe is me" i'm not married life instead of vibrantly seeking to glorify Him everyday regarding of your marital status?

[10. Louise said the following at 5:43 AM on Jan 4:]

10

Hey, folks, the grass is always greener!

[11. Anna said the following at 6:43 AM on Jan 4:]

11

I don't feel strongly about what she was saying. I just relate to it. And I think it's okay to sometimes just talk about being content with your singleness, without always ending in talking about marriage. I do believe marriage should be held in high regard, but that doesn't mean you always have to end with that when you're struggling with being discontent as a single.

Thanks for the thoughts... I always appreciate the way Boundless discusses these issues.

[12. obewan said the following at 6:57 AM on Jan 4:]

12

Jennifer wrote:

"I'd rather work towards making it in the Major League instead of celebrating life in the Minors."

I think the apostle Paul would take issue with your statement. He clearly said it is BETTER to remain single. Your statement suggests that you regard singles as second class citizens. In reality, in Christian service (which counts for everything), Paul says that singles are better equipped to serve the Lord (in the major leagues).

[13. Carrie (the original) said the following at 7:57 AM on Jan 4:]

13

You know, I think most of cotemporary Christianity has the attitude of "just be content in your singleness" attitude. It's the "just be content where ever you are at now" that has Christians in a catch-22 though. Lately, in general (not specifically my single status), I've been struggling with this attitude. You see, if we aren't content, then we tend to be grumbling and complaining. This is ungrateful attitude which Scripture teaches is an ungodly thing.
However, if we seek to be content where we are then there is a very real possibility that we fall into the sin of laziness. We get comfortable in our circumstances and they can become an idol.
Times like this make me extremely glad I am not male. It seems like it would be 10x times harder when it comes to relationship decisions.

[14. a sassy sister said the following at 8:26 AM on Jan 4:]

14

Do you know what I would love to see?

Singles not complaining about their status but doing what God is instructing them to do RIGHT NOW. Although that includes being intentional about marriage, being mentored by mature, married women in the faith with HEALTHY relationships, marriage should NOT be our only focus. My purpose for being on this earth is fulfill the Great Commission---to glorify God and draw others to Christ. Marriage is ONE WAY to do that, but it is NOT THE ONLY WAY. Let's not get it twisted, people. If you base your ultimate satisfaction, value, purpose, existence, and meaning on being married, then your focus is WRONG, because when that marriage experiences trouble, your foundation will be shaken. Do I want to be married? Absolutely. Am I taking proactive steps to remove barriers to being married? Absolutely. But I am not letting the desire to be married override my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY: TO LOVE GOD TOTALLY AND OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS! Marriage may be one of those commandments, but it is NOT THE ONLY ONE! Please note that the two commandments the law is filled by begins with LOVING GOD with all your heart FIRST!

I would also love to see others stop trying to stop delegating singles to second class citizens because they're not married by a certain age. I would love for singles and marrieds to drop their preconceived notions and prejudices about each other and help each other. WE ARE THE BODY OF CHRIST! Can we please act like a healthy family and stop trying to bash each other so much? Singles could learn a lot from marrieds, and marrieds could understand that their marriages are bigger than their own individual needs, and serve a greater purpose. Ultimately, this should be about advancing the kingdom of God, not "getting my needs" met.

No matter whether I'm 27 or 87, I'm going to love God and serve Him, whether or not I marry or not. THAT IS MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. Marriage is on the list, but it is NOT at the top. While this may be a "both" or "and" scenario when it comes to singleness or marriage, I would love to see marrieds and singles actually petition God out of pure motives. While I believe we should pray to God for the things that we need, we need to be sure that the things in our heart we ask for God in prayer are things that in proper order of priority. We also need to be honest about what is motivating our desires---whether it is loving obedience and a desire to please God or a desire to satisfy solely our own needs.

[15. Adam said the following at 8:48 AM on Jan 4:]

15

dana111,

I don't disagree with what you said. If a guy asks a girl to marry him, she says yes, and they get married, then it was God's will.

However, what happens when someone is interested in someone of the opposite sex, and they say no? Then what do you do? What happens if you have been trying for years and years and nothing happens? Are we to somehow say that God made a mistake by not causing these pursuits to be successful? Or did God know that it would be better for you if you wait longer?

Not only that, but what happens if you try all of these things, and you don't ever get married? Then what? Do you loathe your state, and somehow think that you are entitled to a spouse when it may be that God has decided that it would be better for you to live a single life? Obviously, that would be problematic.

What I am trying to get across is that, in both of these situations [whether God says "wait," or "no"], we need to trust him that he is working our lives out for the good. Thus, whether we get married or not, is completely in his hands, and we can trust him that he will do what is best for us in terms of our marital state at the present time. Should we pursue marriage if we desire it? Most definately. However, it is God who will ultimately decide whether or not that pursuit is successful, and we need to trust him no matter what answer he gives to our prayers.

I think that Jesus sums it up well:

Matthew 6:25-34 "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 "And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 "But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 "Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' 32 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

If this can said of some of the essentals of our life [food and clothes], then how much more can it be said of something that is not essential to our life?

God Bless,
Adam

[16. Jeni said the following at 9:55 AM on Jan 4:]

16

I appreciated your post Candace. You’ve eloquently stated many of my thoughts about my journey. Thank you!

It appears to me that it’s easy to fall into "resignation" about all areas of life and call it "contentedness". If we label it “contentedness”, then it’s got a Christian stamp of approval.

Also, I think it is possible to thoroughly take advantage of every opportunity God brings your way in singleness while praying for marriage and being intentional in action regarding your hope for marriage. In fact, I would submit that praying in faith, God’s Providence and taking intentional steps to fulfill the desires that He has put in our hearts are not mutually exclusive. I’d like to pray in Faith, intentionally take steps that may lead me closer marriage and submit to God Providence as He reveals His will all at the same time.

[17. Lucie said the following at 10:11 AM on Jan 4:]

17

Let's make sure that when we're quoting the Apostle Paul on singleness (i.e., where he "clearly said it was better to be single") that we don't forget the oft-omitted section of that verse that refers to the "present time of trouble" which led him to say that.

[18. Childless single woman said the following at 11:06 AM on Jan 4:]

18

Adam - Why do you insist on saying that God is not "obligated" to give anyone a spouse?
God is not "obligated" to heal, but we know from Scripture that it is His will that we be healed.
Still, we know not everyone is healed. This may be for a variety of reasons, which may not be revealed this side of heaven.
There is sin in the world, and that means that God's will is not always what happens on earth.
Likewise, it is possible that some who desire marriage, may not get married at all.
This doesn't mean that they have to lead a life of bitterness, any more than someone who is not healed. Contentment in the Lord, however, is different to contentment with a bad situation.
A sick person doesn't need to stop prayer for healing, or cease trying new treatments as they become avaliable, any more than someone who gets turned down or rejected, doesn't need to stop doing their best to get married.
The primary causes of protracted singleness are sin:
Sinful imitation of our culture, denigration of marriage, an on-going reluctance to outreach to men leaving an imbalanced ratio of men to women in the church, and false teaching such as the "gift of singleness" and "waiting on the Lord for a spouse".
We need to be co-workers with God to eliminate those sins from the Body of Christ, not waste our time wondering if it is "God's will" for us to marry, when the Bible quite clearly tells us it is.

a sassy sister: I don't understand why you get so passionate about defending a state that God himself said was "not good" and which has come about mainly through corporate and individual sin.

I would love to see the Boundless staff comment within this thread, but they don't seem to do that with posts about singleness. It seems to only be global warming where the editor feels a redirection or comment would be beneficial.

[19. Melissa D. said the following at 11:06 AM on Jan 4:]

19

I can sympathize with Camerin because many of the perks of singleness lose their charm after a while. More free time has led to loneliness. Spending money only on myself feels hollow. Not having to worry about someone else means I think mostly about myself. I take steps to alleviate these things (attending Christian events, nurturing friendships, reminding myself that marriage is in my future), but the point is that God made us relational, and if we believe we're meant to be married, it most likely is God's will. The hard part is not feeling sad about a hope deferred.

[20. Alicia said the following at 11:23 AM on Jan 4:]

20

Well, well put Dana111. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post and am encouraged by what you wrote. :)

[21. dana111 said the following at 12:05 PM on Jan 4:]

21

Adam,

Thank you for your response. I absolutely believe in praying for and waiting for God's will. My frustrations lie with singles who are so afraid to openly admit they desire marriage and with married people who tell singles to be content with our state when they have been married since the age of 18 and have never had to live a solitary life. I do believe in God's grace and that He works out everything for our good. Yet, I don't think believing that equates sucking it up and feeling ashamed of wanting marriage. And I know you are not saying that. I guess I was just frustrated with Camerin's article because, to me, she appears to be lying to herself. We should let our request be known to God, and trust His will to be done. We shouldn't try to lie to Him and tell Him that we are content with our lives when, clearly, we are not.

[22. a sassy sister said the following at 1:57 PM on Jan 4:]

22

csw, I see you're back again. I respecfully disagree with your position. God said it was not good for Adam to be alone, but God did not say it was a SIN to be single. And by the way, since you say that is a corporate and individual sin, please provide the Scriptures (IN CONTEXT OF THE ENTIRE CHAPTER)to support your position. I would also appreciate it if you could possibly further explain the solutions to this "grievous sin" that keeps singles from being married, since from your tone in this post that you are convinced you have the solution to this debate.

I also have a few follow up questions:
Where in scripture EXPLICITLY does it say that it is a SIN not to marry?

Do you believe that outreach targeted to men to make sure there are enough men to marry the women in the church is a totally pure motive to preach the gospel to them?

What do you say to those who struggle with homosexual desires and lesbianism? Is marriage a cure-all to their problems?

Do you believe EVERYONE on the planet is supposed to be married, or EVERYONE IN CHURCH THAT is physically able to bear children?

[23. Marisa said the following at 2:45 PM on Jan 4:]

23

Elizabeth-- thank you much for your last paragraph, to which I could relate:

'I desire to be married and am praying for a man of God's own heart. But the reality is that God has called me to live--today-- now with all its ups and downs as a single woman. I have not resigned nor am I hiding away in my apartment. I am trusting in the Lord, while doing what He's called me to me pursue. I do have faith that He will answer, in meantime I am called to live the abundant life He desires for me.'

Darin-- you present a dichotomy of 'resigned' singles: either people who are content in never marrying, or those who are in denial about their desire to marry.

Is it possible to be content in being single, if God deems it to be one's current situation, WHILE hoping for marriage at some point in the [near] future? That's where I find myself. No prospects materialized during college, but that doesn't mean I now think I'll never get married, nor has my desire to marry diminished. (Granted, I'm only two years out, so I haven't waited as long as some.) I am active in my church, and choose to see my life as having already begun, that is, I'm not waiting for my wedding day to start living. I have a strong desire to marry... but that desire is unfulfilled as of yet.

Being content as a single person does not mean you have to stop desiring marriage. It seems to me there is a widely held assumption that a single person is either content with being single FOREVER, or impatiently coveting marriage. Contentment means you acknowledge that desire to God, submit your thoughts and feelings to Him, steep your mind in His Word to get His perspective (aka renew your mind), and choose to trust His goodness and thank Him for His plan and His provision. And walk in faith for today, as several people have mentioned.

Any child of God can store up treasure in Heaven. Every child of God is called to obedience and a life of discipleship, whether single or married.

God created marriage to be a very good thing. It is perfectly legitimate to desire it. BUT, even if God doesn't choose it for me, will I still praise, serve, and love Him (without complaining)? That's the question I have to ask myself.

[24. Adam said the following at 2:50 PM on Jan 4:]

24

CSW,

First of all, I just leave it to the reader to decide. Do you want a world where everything is in God's control, and everything that happens is God's will which is done for his own ultimate purpose which is good pleasing and perfect? Or do you want a world where there are some things that are the result of random chance, and thus, man could make the whole world unliveable?

Secondly, you are taking Genesis 2:18 out of context. In the context, Adam has just been created [2:7], and the article+singluar contruction is used throughout [v. 7, 8, 15, and 16], and then it is repeated in verse 18. Hence, the singularity of man is being emphasized from verse 7 onward until verse 18 and yet, somehow, we get to verse 18, and all of the sudden we are talking about Adam's marital status when the entire context has been the creation and singularity of man!!!!!!!!!

Verse 18 is in the structure of a problem/solution. The problem is that Adam is in solitude. He is the only man on the planet, and God says that a state of solitude for man is "not good." Therefore, in order to solve the problem of man's solitude, he creates a wife for him.

The only way this text would apply is if someone were single and in solitude. However, given the population of the world at this point, and given the fact that most of us have families, the text is hardly relevant to our modern day state of singleness.

Adam

[25. Childless single woman said the following at 2:51 PM on Jan 4:]

25

a sassy sister: The questions you ask about the Biblical position on marriage are covered in the Debbie Maken book, “Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness”. I think you would benefit greatly by reading it. Maken does a much better of job of explaining it than I possibly could and in far greater depth.
I never said singleness was a “grievous” sin, but yes, I do believe that the protracted singleness (without a specific call to celibate service) we are seeing so much of in our current generation, is not God’s will, and the causes of it I think I outlined fairly clearly. The solutions too are not rocket science and pretty self-explanatory.
With regard to your comment about a “pure motive” for men’s outreach, I see no contradiction in fulfilling the Great Commission, and at the same time furthering God’s will for marriage. I do have a gripe with “the church” as I see so much time, energy and money being spent on women’s and children’s ministry, when actually the Biblical pattern is to outreach to men and they will then lead their whole household to Christ. I’m afraid that sometimes Christians appear afraid of real men in the world, and they are neglecting to outreach to a whole generation of men, to the detriment of the strength of the Body of Christ as a whole.
As for your other comments, briefly, no I have not said marriage is a cure-all for homosexuality, and I hope that people are not so silly as to think I am saying it is a sin if someone is physically unable to marry or have children.
Again I am struck by how passionately you defend a state that you yourself admit is undesirable.
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

[26. Adam said the following at 2:55 PM on Jan 4:]

26

dana111,

I can agree with what you are saying. I would only add that wanting to be married is the same thing as being discontent with your singleness. I view discontentment as worry, loathing, and fear concerning your state of singleness. Contentment says "I would like to be married, but I trust in God that, if I do not get married, then he knows what is best for me." If that is the case, then I don't see any reason to say that a person is discontent with their singleness.

God Bless,
Adam

[27. Charles H. said the following at 2:55 PM on Jan 4:]

27

Regarding the original post, I have a real problem with criticizing someone for being "resigned" to singleness. To me, the person being criticized was simply reflecting on how it did not appear that God was about to answer her hopes for marriage with a husband -- and commenting on how she reacted to that reality. Suggesting that she respond by telling others how wonderful marriage is seems a bit of a pat answer, and one that is unlikely to help someone in that situation.

[28. Melissa said the following at 7:17 PM on Jan 4:]

28

Camerin Courtney writes from her experience, so I wouldn't expect her to end an article with advice on how to "help marriage happen." I appreciate her authentic and vulnerable voice.

A more provocative article by Camerin, as far as "resignation" is concerned (also from 2005) is http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind51207.html.

[29. Jennifer said the following at 8:57 PM on Jan 4:]

29

Alicia asks: "Why do people automatically assume that God's answer is going to be 'no?' The Bible says that marriage itself is good."

Alicia, I think you've hit the nail on the head, as far as identifying a sinister self-fulfilling prophesy that has been placed in the hearts and minds of modern Christian singles: the idea that if I want something (rather than just going with the flow of what God wants for me, getting clear direction from him about "His personal plan for ME"), then I'm sinning. So then, desire becomes a sin, rather than a divine design, and everything you want becomes something "selfish"! But as Dana points out, the Bible never talks about marriage this way, so neither should we.

Nor do the scriptures say anything to the effect of: "if God wants someone to serve them as single for the rest of their lives, then he knows what is best for them, no matter how much that person may desire to marry. They will remain single no matter what they do." Even if that is so, such a teaching does not inspire Godly effort, but passivity and ambivilence, as we've seen for the past few decades of bad teachings to singles. It's not in the Bible, because it lacks inspiration.

Another error is assuming that if something happens or doesn't happens it's "God's will" and therefore pleasing to God AND His personal plan for your life and therefore for your own good, even though the Bible doesn't quite say that. Even sin happens within God's sovereign will, and too many people have assumed that because God "let them sin" that their sin was "God's will" and thus "okay". Likewise, Christians have gone headlong into marriage with people who were incompatible with them, assuming that because God didn't stop them, then their spouse was handpicked by Him, for their own good, only to end up divorced! Could such a situation simply be God letting us learn from our mistakes? Could be, and we should confess our mistakes (sins) so that we can learn from them and get right with God. But let's not get side-tracked with endless speculation!

There's a difference between saying that God works all things to our good, and saying that all things are for our own good. In the former biblical context, God's work is largely corporate and missional, rather than personal and "what's-in-it-for-me"? I think that's important to remember, because God strengthens us when we suffer as individuals, sometimes your suffering isn't always a matter of "personal transformation" or moving you to "something BETTER for me" (although it may be something better for God's ultimate purposes, which are not necessarily about you). Nor is suffering always about your sins, sometimes it's caused by someone else's! Or by no one's sin: take for example, the 2005 tsunami, a perfectly natural occurrence, that was bound to eventually occur. It would be presumptuous to assume that God willed it "for the good of the people there", as if to teach them something in their sin. When people are too loose in their proclamations of God's will, it usually results in too many assumptions about His intentions, and not enough compassion for those who suffer.

[30. Jennifer said the following at 9:12 PM on Jan 4:]

30

sassy sis,

Csw simply pointed out that God declared it "not good" for a man to be alone, a state which, she also points out, has come about for large numbers of Christian singles today, mainly through corporate and individual sin. I don't hear her declaring all singleness a sin, and I certainly haven't heard anyone here recommending marriage as a cure-all for homosexuality. People here are trying to acknowledge the corporate and individual causes (things we can actually do something about) of this pandemic of protracted singleness, hoping that in our collective confession, that God may lead us toward some solutions. Which is probably why you generally have to identify the problems before you can find the solutions. But somehow, talking about the sin-based, human causes of widespread protracted singleness in the church makes you uncomfortable. Why is that?

[31. Beth said the following at 9:30 PM on Jan 4:]

31

Life is not all about getting married! That's not the goal everyone is striving towards. I believe I can honor, worship, and celebrate God without being married or putting marriage on some pedestal. I don't like this article at all!

[32. frannie said the following at 9:31 PM on Jan 4:]

32

to a sassy sister:
Of course singleness is not a sin, anymore than marriage is a sin. But often the circumstances of our life are the PRODUCT of either obedience or sin (we call this "fruit" in the church). I say "often" and not always, because Christ himself pointed out that there are circumstances where no one sins ("who sinned, that this man was born blind?") and yet people suffer. Obedience led Christ to suffering. The theological questions of sin and choice, suffering and contentment, are enormous questions worthy of much deeper thought than we tend to give them in a blog forum.
BUT, when we see a VERY recent culture-wide phenomenon in the West of delayed marriage, sexual profligacy, the proliferation of porn, and the falling birth rate, we would be foolish to suddenly decree ourselves special from all previous generations with "special callings" to singleness that never existed before. I fear we have so super-spiritualized the search for a spouse out of the worst and most sinful of motives: fear. While the world preaches selfishness and instant gratification, the young and the perennially single in the church propagate a message of self-interest and protection with a holy twist. Our version of "safe sex" comes with a halo, as we cast stones at those who "idolize" marriage. Thus the recent offerings of CT have become increasingly focused on how to survive the single life and they have a tone of desperation. "See, I'm fulfilled. I'm in a book club. Really, I'm content. Except when I cry at night. Or have to face the office Christmas party. Or hold someone else's child and think of the children I will most likely never have. But I'm fine. I have peace."
This is not life abundantly....it may not be sin, but it isn't right, either.

[33. Mike Theemling said the following at 9:53 PM on Jan 4:]

33

I agree that it's perfectly fine (in fact good) to pursue marriage if that is what one desires. But as Adam so rightfully pointed out, there are no guarentees.

The problem of course lies in with that person who desires marriage, pursues it, yet finds matrimony eluding them. Was it God's "will"?

The fact is there are two types of "God's will". One is explicit. Meaning He wants use to actively pursue it (or not). For example, it's clear that it's God will for us to abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thess 4:3 [and others]).

The other type of will is what some would call "permissive will". Meaning God doesn't want/like it for it to happen, but allows it for some divine purpose and/or greater good. For example, I'm sure He didn't want the Holocaust to occur, but God allowed it for some reason.

Some would argue that permissive will can be the result of a punishment of sin. Although it's clear God does in fact use calamity in some instances as punishment, we must be on guard to not blame everything from 9/11 to school shootings as retribution for sin. The fact is we just often don't know.

In regards to singleness, it very well may be that it is the result of "God's plan" in terms He does NOT want a person to get married, or it could be He ALLOWS someone not to find someone although it would be better if he/she did (because of our fallen world). And it could be because of punishment (but I think that's rare personally).

Still, this doesn't make single people desiring marriage feel much better. Simply put, my opinion is if you desire marriage do not feel ashamed of it and continue to trust God with it, AND be active in its pursuit. If indeed it is God's will for you not to be married, it will play out (Again, I'll invoke the test-analogy. What if I didn't study at all for a test and then prayed, "God, if it's your will, I'll do well on the test" And if you bomb it you'll say, "Well, I guess God didn't want me to do well on that." Most would say that's a misrepresentation of how God works yet we use it as an aliby for marriage all the time). That's unfortunately all we can do.

[34. R said the following at 10:04 PM on Jan 4:]

34

While Camerin Courtney does tend to be a bit on the downer-side, I do appreciate her writings. I do not see her "lying to herself". Rather her works tell it as it is: that singleness is both good & tough, dating & marriage are not guaranteed, and that marriage is not everything everyone dreams it to be. Points which are good as it brings reality to the minds of folks.

I think many guys would applaud boundless articles on being a godly wife. While the gals may want to date & marry, too often we guys find the single ladies extremely focused on career, fun, and the "promises of God" for happiness. A few guy friends have felt they have had to give-up ideal godly attributes when dating.

As mentioned, God is indeed sovereign. Our hope should rest in His sovereign will, and not in a hope for marriage; otherwise, it could very well be a false hope. And that I find is source of anger for many people, especially gals. Particularly it is manifested as frustration & anger at God, and yes as expressed in comments elsewhere, anger at men.

With respect to finding a mate, boundless & its readership seem more content with the view of female passivity. To do to otherwise would be the female taking the initiative and thus, violating the principles of Elisabeth Elliot.

[35. Sarah said the following at 10:05 PM on Jan 4:]

35

I'm with you Dana111 and Adam. It was encouraging to read your posts. Thanks :)

[36. Keb said the following at 12:22 AM on Jan 5:]

36

Whether it's right to be or not, I think that a lot of us singles-who-want-to-be-married are scared. I know I am. Trusting God to do what's right for us doesn't mean we aren't afraid that He'll decide something we want so much it hurts sometimes isn't what's right for us. And every passing year just makes it easier to believe that's the conclusion we're heading for.

So what, aside from praying, can we do about it?

[37. xeres said the following at 12:25 AM on Jan 5:]

37

R,

There was an article on what it means to be a godly woman on Boundless.

[38. BDB said the following at 1:45 AM on Jan 5:]

38

Dana111 wrote...a lot. Wow. Nothing I can add to that.

A couple of people wrote about how God CAN heal, but not everyone gets healed. Here's something to ponder on that. Once I wrote a paper analyzing all the times that Jesus healed someone in the New Testament. I read all the stories in one day. An interesting pattern presented itself. Two things happened in almost every case:

1) Jesus required the person to ask. He made them articulate what they were asking for. From a scriptural standpoint, if you desire marriage, it probably won't "happen," you'll need to pray. If you refuse to pray...don't complain if nothing happens.

2) In almost every case, Jesus asked them to do something. Maybe it was wash themselves, or go show themselves to the priest, or something else-he told them to do something and they had to choose whether or not to obey. It was when they obeyed that they were healed.

So, if you've followed step #1 above, and it seems like God is telling you to do something completely unrelated, I'd recommend doing it anyway.

How this can work, by the way, is that God tells you to go to a certain place and do something. God then tells the other party, who is also praying, to go to the same place. Maybe it's a little nudge to go volunteer someplace you've never volunteered before. Neither one is going there to "meet" someone. But if two people show up in the same spot at the same time trying to obey God...hey, that would make for an interesting conversation over lunch, wouldn't it? "So, why are you here again?"

Your mileage may vary...

R wrote:

>>To do to otherwise would be the female taking the initiative and thus, violating the principles of Elisabeth Elliot.<<

Now, now, she didn't invent the idea. In fact, if you watch some of those romantic comedies on Turner Classic Movies, you'd be surprised how often the concept of "male initiative" comes up. It seems that most Cary Grant movies are built on the concept. Particularly when he got older and thought it was inappropriate to be paired with much younger actresses, so he insisted that the script be re-written so that they chase him...

[39. Tami said the following at 11:33 AM on Jan 5:]

39

Wow, so many good points made on here! BDB, thanks for bringing in that analysis of the passages that talk about Jesus' healing. A good reminder of the truths of asking and obedience.

I read a devotional today about patience, which I think is tied very closely to contentment. Henri Nouwen wrote, "Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand."

In this, Nouwen is showing us that we can live fully *today*, even as we eagerly await what we are hoping for. Reflecting on this, I think that hope sees with trusting eyes -- looking at GOD rather than circumstances. When we resign ourselves to our circumstances, we only see the dirt beneath our feet... and that's when we have to start forcing ourselves to feign contentment.

I also think gratitude is key. I was reading Torrey last night and he talked about praying with thankfulness, warning us that sometimes God holds back if we aren't grateful for what we already have. Torrey's also big on obedience. :)

I think God is pleased with us when we acknowledge that we desire more than we have (in terms of His good gifts), but at the same time are grateful for all the things he's already given us. This is an attitude of satisfaction that still returns to Him, continually asking, seeking, and knocking because we recognize Him as the giver of good gifts.

While the presence of the kingdom within us is fully sufficient for our soul's satisfaction, God still asks us to *act* on what He has given us. The guy in the parable who buried the talent was chastised.

The more I think about it, the more I recognize it's true: if you're unhappy before you're married, you'll be unhappy afterward. Marriage won't make you happy if you aren't already content. But burying the desire to be married out of fearfulness that God won't provide is totally unproductive, and I don't think it's the attitude God wants us to have.

Quoting my last source... Carolyn McCulley posted a neat thing on her blog the other day, where she talked about "God's grace to grumblers." God still has the ability to totally bless us even when all we see around us is dried-up desert. It's all in our attitude.

Anyway, I found those things encouraging. I hope you do, too. :)

[40. Rachael said the following at 1:39 PM on Jan 5:]

40

(Thank you Tami for the encouragement!)

Tami wrote (1st part is Nouwen):

" 'Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.'

In this, Nouwen is showing us that we can live fully *today*, even as we eagerly await what we are hoping for. Reflecting on this, I think that hope sees with trusting eyes -- looking at GOD rather than circumstances. When we resign ourselves to our circumstances, we only see the dirt beneath our feet..."

--> Recently I've just been amazed with God. And typically I had not been the type of person that would constantly feel like I was learning something spiritual. Like I remember being at a friend's church a few years back and we were supposed to share what we were learning over the year or something, and I didn't feel like I had learned much, or I didn't really know what to say, at least at first, and someone questioned my salvation (that person didn't really know me). Just saying that to say that to let you know it's possible for God to open our eyes to His work even if previously the 'aha' moments were few and far between. My guess is that in the future the 'aha moments' could be again become few and far between. Hope not, but I realize that could be the case.

But about the 'amazement'....the wonder is not stemming from a circumstance my human heart so desires. That is left unfulfilled. It is coming from ways in which I might be catching glimpses of God's plan and ways in which He might be working in and through me.

Tami mentioned hope as being something involving looking at God and not the circumstance. That is such a good point. Circumstance, if something contrary to what we desire, will only disappoint...but look at that Nouwen quote Tami wrote. Sometimes the treasures really are just beneath our feet! I just keep seeing tiny little things - through something I read, through something someone says, through the timing of certain things, through interactions, and I think of God! Phil. 1:6 says that He who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion. So of course even if we don't notice His work it doesn't mean He's not working...but it's so, so exciting to see ways in which He might be working. Of course He is ultimately in control of everything, but still I see things and wonder if He's sometimes allowing me to catch glimpses of His plan being worked out in my life.

So why do I babble on about this? I guess I just want to encourage people that it is possible to have unfulfilled desire AND at the same time be open, receptive, and captivated to ways in which God is working. I guess...let's try not to put all our eggs in one basket...the basket of circumstance...but let's be excited and open to the ways in which we might see God's plan unfold in other areas.

And another thank you to Tami for the reminder about the importance of grattitude. Though I've recently reflected upon thankfulness, I think I need to start...doing it :) - being thankful. Thank you for the reminder. Notice the role of thankfulness in Phil. 1:6-7:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

[41. Tami said the following at 6:07 PM on Jan 5:]

41

Rachael -- thanks! And keep enjoying those "aha" moments that God gives you! :)

Those Philippians verses are big ones for me, too. God keeps reminding me about them so I guess He's trying to make a point! ;)

[42. Vincente said the following at 8:02 PM on Jan 5:]

42

Really cool post!, which bring me to the following observations and questions:

It seems there are quite a few single ladies posting about the single life. I'm a single Christian man with a few single Christian male friends, that would *LOVE* to be married to a nice Christian girl.

Where are the nice, marriage minded, would love to have a man, Christian girls at? Why do Christian girls and boys keep missing each other? Is it the dating scene?, Is it the lack of communication? Shortage of eligible bachelors? Shortage of eligible bachelorettes? What seems to be the problem?

I've heard the same complains from my male friends about the lack of available single girls and I'm not sure what to believe anymore!

Any ideas?

Vince.

[43. BDB said the following at 11:24 PM on Jan 5:]

43

What Tami wrote about "being present" reminds me of something Yoda said about Luke Skywalker:

"His mind never on where he is...always on the future..."

Hey, maybe it's appropriate...the Star Wars saga is about Darth Vader, and his eventual repentance...

[44. ptschett said the following at 2:35 PM on Jan 6:]

44

Vincente, I'm with you and your friends on that one. The girls certainly http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001373.cfm>aren't where I am.

[45. Rosabacio said the following at 3:41 PM on Jan 6:]

45

I'm not sure why some of you find it so hard to believe that there are single Christians out there who don't feel led to be married. Or even those who are content being single. Not all of those who say they are content are lying to themselves. God's grace is sufficient and can provide the power to be content in whatever state we are in.

[46. Michael said the following at 7:10 PM on Jan 6:]

46

Agreed, there have been some great posts recently! Especially Tami and Rachael. Your comments on this subject are spot on! I agree that singleness is sometimes just the "basket of circumstance" we're in and we truly do need to be thankful but aggressive in prayer to help change our circumstance as Phil 1:6-7 outlines. Vince, I'm there with you on your frustration, as I'm sure many Christian ladies are. Boundless does a great job on this issue so check out some of the articles on being single and dating. I really related to "Following My Heart" by Nathan Z. As a Christian guy under 30 its tough to not be influenced by our culture of relativism and what we should find "attractive" in a potential girlfriend. It can feel overwhelmingly "right" in our hearts and still be wrong. So no easy answers. To me meeting Ms. Right is still a large matter of faith: "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."-- Heb 11:1. So Vince, I've got faith that there ARE Christian girls out there wanting to meet Christian guys, look no further than the posts on Boundless, keep up your faith and posts, ladies!

[47. R said the following at 7:11 PM on Jan 6:]

47

xeres, thanks for the link. The article was quite good. I believe it is good start. I wonder why we don't see too many of these articles?

For an interesting comparison is the CNN article:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/01/04/career.relationships/index.html

Sadly this attitude is reflected in the Christian sphere as well. Does this explain the lack of interest in articles like the one you suggested?

BDB, EE made not have invented it, but she is a big promoter of those ideals. She seems to be revered as a prophet on this issue. :-)

[48. BDB said the following at 11:12 PM on Jan 6:]

48

Keb wrote:

>>Whether it's right to be or not, I think that a lot of us singles-who-want-to-be-married are scared. I know I am. <<

Well, I think you're right. I won't say that the answer is to trust God more. Maybe the answer is to trust God with other decisions first. Like what car to buy, or what to major in, etc. After you have a track record of God's guidance working well for small things, it might be easier to trust him for large things.

R wrote:

>>BDB, EE made not have invented it, but she is a big promoter of those ideals. She seems to be revered as a prophet on this issue. <<

Well, that's because she got lots of letters from people, and (with permission), she wrote some books trying to sort out the dating mess.

I didn't agree with her at first. But it dawned on me that what she described as using prayer and paying attention to what's happening around you (e.g. what God draws your attention to) as an alternative to "dating" was interesting - the process she suggests is really similar to the process I followed selecting my house. It worked great for the house. Works for buying a good car, too. Maybe she's on to something that will work for bigger decisions.

[49. Bridgette said the following at 11:55 PM on Jan 6:]

49

I really think all the talk about marraige is the 'christian way' for saying that singles want sex and that it's ok.
As a pentecostal (Assembly of God) I have always been taught that there is such a thing as marrying in the very center of Gods will. IMO most people don't do this.
People who have extended seasons of singleness as Boundless puts it have figured this out. Which is harder today, getting married or staying married ? I have few role models. Better to be single and wish you were married,than married and wish you were single.

[50. a sassy sister said the following at 8:09 AM on Jan 7:]

50

Ok, let me respond to Jennifer, then CSW.

Jennifer: involuntary protracted singleness is not the problem that disturbs me in these posts. What disturbs me is the LACK OF BALANCE and the FOCUS in these posts---it's the fact that your post and CSW's imply that somehow marriage is the answer for whatever deep issues are ailing singles. And to me, that seems to put the covenant of marriage on a pedestal and gaze at it with rose colored glasses. Let me say this, and I've talked to a LOT of married couples in the church--some with healthy marriages, and some with unhealthy ones: Marriage is a magnifier--it exposes one's level of maturity on all levels. The covenant of marriage itself does not MAKE you a better person, just like having a race car in my driveway make a driver for the Indy 500. A man or woman must make active, consistent CHOICES to face life and walk in what God has called them to do and who He has created them to be, no matter WHAT RELATIONSHIP THEY'RE IN. So, if you base your worth, value, identity, security, and purpose on being married instead of who God says you are, then your foundation is on sinking and shifting sands. What happens if the marriage experiences trouble? What happens if there are deep disagreements in your marriage? What happens if your children decide to leave the faith after you've raised them according to God's Word? Does your world fall apart?
Please understand that I am not saying that marriage isn't a beautiful covenant. But most people look at marriage with the lens of selfishness, not selflessness. To prescribe to singles that marriage is the answer to any loneliness or discontentment that they have is treating marriage with the "have it your way" instant gratification mentality of selfishness. Marriage is not what makes a person whole---Christ is! What disturbs me is that you have people who think that somehow a single person's discontentment can be solved by marriage, as if it is someone sort for universal band-aid for all the loneliness that singleness experience. Frankly, you couldn't be more wrong, and it is those expectations that create such a high divorce rate in the church----expecting marriage to be the ultimate answer to all my problems in singleness(lust, loneliness, discontentment, security etc). Unfortunately, since most people in church aren't being totally authentic with each other and honest about the state of their marriages OR what they view is satisfaction, we have people who are proclaiming how "wonderful" their marriages are, when in reality they are JUST AS LONELY or EVEN more depressed in their marriages. Being married does not always equal contentment, especially if you have the mentality that somehow acquiring things or achieving a certain state in life will give you ultimate satisfaction. Happiness is based on circumstances; joy is based on the truth. That is something that stands whether you are married or single. Our joy is supposed to be of the Lord, not of others. I am not advocating any sort of Lone Ranger mentality, but simply saying that my faith, trust, and hope must be in the Lord. He will have no other gods before Him.

Too many singles waste precious time in their singleness unhappy about how they're not married yet. I used to be one of them. But the more I spent time with the Lord, and the more time I spent in His Word and in prayer, I realized that I was not put on earth to accomplish my own agendas. I was put here to fulfill God's purposes and plans. I was put here to glorify God and draw others to know Him. I am in no way saying that being a wife and mother isn't a part of that. What I am saying, however, is that IT IS NOT the only way for that to happen.

CSW: I asked you what solutions you prescribed to address this. You seem to simply repeat your earlier post in regards to the outreach of men in churches and the development of a strong men's ministry. You also seem to support a return of the "real man" to the church. To clarify, I am asking you what you SPECIFICALLY prescribe as far as what a ministry would look like that regards. Also to clarify my earlier question, is your basis for bringing men to the church for discipleship about advancing the kingdom of God and fulfilling the Great Commission, or marrying off as many single women in the church as possible?

And btw, the "methinks the lady doth protest too much" doesn't apply to me. I am protesting because I am disturbed by those who postulate others' opinions and DO NOT FORM THEIR OPINIONS based on solid exegesis of Scripture, not based on those who use Scripture to support their own personal prejudices and viewpoints.

[51. Christina said the following at 12:15 PM on Jan 7:]

51

Carrie -
I liked your thought about being content leading to laziness.

My best friend and I were talking about how dissatisfied I've been with my life lately. And I raised the question of whether I'm just being immature and should buck down and reevaluate myself and get content, or if there's something more.

His response was this - why can't my lack of contentment and my dissatisfaction be God's way of telling me to do something different? Why can't it mean that it IS sincerely time for a change, a different pace, a different location, a different state of being?

So at some point, I agree that it is wrong to "just be content with where you are now" because sometimes where you are now isn't necessarily where you are supposed to be...

[52. Childless single woman said the following at 12:29 PM on Jan 7:]

52

Candice Watters - You have just written a very good book on Christian singleness, and this is your post, on your blog (or the blog you started).
Why is it you don't you feel some sense of responsibility here to add a comment or two yourself? (Ted Slater does it all the time in his posts about global warming, so please don't quote the "comment moderation policy" at me.)

[53. Candice Watters said the following at 3:11 PM on Jan 7:]

53

Dear CSW and all the other exuberant commenters on this thread: thank you for participating wholeheartedly in this conversation. I'm sorry for not weighing in sooner. One of the benefits Ted has for staying on top of -- and contributing to -- the comments on his global warming posts is that he approves the comments for release. In short, it's his job to stay on top of what's being said.

I have to remember to come back and read these while juggling other writing commitments, websites, blogs, a marriage and three kids! That's not to say I don't want to participate, just that I don't always realize a blog post is getting a lot of activity. (Incidentally, you can feel free to drop me an email at candice@helpgetmarried.com if you want to notify me of what's happening and ask me to come back and weigh in).

As for all the offshoots from my original blog post, two stand out as needing some clarification.

To those who quote Paul in belief of their defense that remaining single is better than getting married, I would add the important caveat that Paul was not saying, "it's better to stay single so you can date around, have lots of time and discretionary income for travel, and build a vibrant career." He was saying he wished believers would be single "as he is." Meaning "fully expended" in Christian service. That means no dating, no flirting and a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children.

I would also add that while singles often quote 1 Corinthians 7 in their defense of their "spiritually-superior" unmarried state, Paul didn't just say it's good for the unmarried and widows to stay that way. He also said, "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." (v. 2). This is the most unquoted portion of that passage. And given our present circumstances, I believe it is the most relevant.

p.s. Thanks to CSW for your kind word about my book.

[54. Emily Shepherd said the following at 3:43 PM on Jan 7:]

54

to a sassy sister ~

Loved your post -- right on. I tried to say the same on another post about maturity, or the lack thereof in today's generation and I dont' think I got it across very well :) Marriage certainly does not make you content, but forces you to examine wherein your contentment lies. If it lies in circumstances being to your liking, life will be incredibly up and down. I have experienced this and feel like I am just now getting a handle on the attitude that God desires me to have - to "rejoice at all times, pray without ceasing, and be thankful in all circumstances." The more I base my contentment on knowing that God has allowed whatever the circumstance is for my GOOD, and am thankful, the more steady my faith is and the more steady our marriage is. Both marriage and singleness can be great vehicles to learn thankfulness and humility under God's sovereign hand, because they will both involve circumstances that we don't like or want, where we must choice to be thankful or become bitter -- which as Scripture says, will lead to "disorder and every vile practice".

[55. Candice Watters said the following at 5:37 PM on Jan 7:]

55

If you ask marriage to meet needs that only God can, you will certainly be disappointed. But it baffles me that so many commenters on this blog make the leap from that truth to believing if you ask marriage to meet any needs -- even the ones God created it to meet -- you're an idolater.

And let's be clear that bitterness leads to sin, not marriage. Marriage is our picture, in the flesh, of Christ's relationship with the church. Yes, there are disappointing, unsatisfying, and even damaging marriages out there. But they are no reason for us to stop desiring and striving to marry well; to take part in the very mystery Paul praised.

[56. Adam said the following at 6:14 PM on Jan 7:]

56

Candace,

To those who quote Paul in belief of their defense that remaining single is better than getting married, I would add the important caveat that Paul was not saying, "it's better to stay single so you can date around, have lots of time and discretionary income for travel, and build a vibrant career." He was saying he wished believers would be single "as he is." Meaning "fully expended" in Christian service. That means no dating, no flirting and a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children.

Candace, I would say this is total eisegesis. First of all, where does Paul say anything about "fully expended Christian service?" or "a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children?" The entire context is about a comparison of Paul's state with the marital state he has been addressing in verses 2-5. Certainly, whether married or single, you should be serving the Lord, and using either your marriage or singleness to serve the Lord. However, "fully expended Christian service" and "a life of ministry that precludes the commitments of marriage and children" is nowhere mentioned in the context of 1 Corinthians 7:7. When Paul talks about "as he is" he is talking about continence [7:9a], and only commanding people to marry if they do not have control over their sexual desires. However, Paul says nothing in this text about someone who has lots of time and discretionary income for travel, builds a vibrant career and is able to control his sexual desires. That is simply not in the text, and I would challenge you to prove it from the text of 1 Corinthians 7:7 itself.

I would also add that while singles often quote 1 Corinthians 7 in their defense of their "spiritually-superior" unmarried state, Paul didn't just say it's good for the unmarried and widows to stay that way. He also said, "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." (v. 2). This is the most unquoted portion of that passage. And given our present circumstances, I believe it is the most relevant.

And, this text is the most often misused by people who try to say that, because sexual immorality is so rampant, therefore, everyone must get married. That is not Paul's point at all. First of all, notice the structure of verses 2-4

2. ...man...wife...woman...husband.
3. ...husband...wife...wife...husband
4. ...wife...husband...husband...wife

Notice, that verses 2-4 have exactly the same structure, namely, a chiasm. It is in the form of:

A...B...B...A

Thus, most scholars [including Gordon Fee, whom Debbie Maken quotes in her book], will say that verses 2-4 are a unit. However, verses 3-4 are talking about the marital duty of sexual relations. How can this be?

Of course, the simple solution to the problem is that the Greek term echo [to have] can be used as a euphomism for sexual relations. The following texts in the Septuagint and the New Testament are some of the texts mentioned by Gordon Fee as instances in which echo bears this meaning:

Exodus 2:1 There was a certain man of tribe of Levi who took [a wife] from the daughters of Levi, and he had [echo] her. [translation mine]

Deuteronomy 28:30 thou shalt take a wife, and another man shall have [echo] her; thou shalt build a house, and thou shalt not dwell in it; thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not gather the grapes of it. [Brenton Translation]

Isaiah 13:16 and they will strike their children in front of them, they will plunder their houses, and they will have [echo] their wives. [translation mine]

Mark 6:18 For John had been saying to Herod, "It is not lawful for you to have [echo] your brother's wife." [NASB]

1 Corinthians 5:1 It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has [echo] his father's wife. [NASB]

Thus, the meaning of verse 2 would be "because of sexual immorality, let each man have sexual relations with his own wife, and let each woman have sexual relations with her own husband."

This interpretation would also fit with verse 1. Paul would be admitting that there is some truth to what is said in verse 1 but, because sexual immorality will exist in this life, we are not to refrain from sexual relations with our wives. Indeed, he goes on to say that there is only one case where someone cannot have sexual relations with their wife, and that by an agreement for a period of time so that they can devote themselves to prayer [v.5]. Thus, the text is addressing one topic from verse 1 until verse 5.

There are also some criticisms that can be levied against your interpretation of this passage. First of all, there is a Greek word for "to marry," namely, gameo, and Paul uses that term down in verse 9 in the imperative. It is hard to explain why it is that Paul used the imperative of gameo in verse 9, but not in verse 2. There is no literary reason why he would change, nor is their a contextual reason why he would change.

Also, it would seem, if we take your interpretation, that Paul contradicts himself twice in this passage. First of all, he says that he has no command from the Lord concerning virgins [7:25], and, given your interpretation, this certainly would be a command to virgins. Not only that, but Paul later on commands them not to seek to change their state [7:27]. Now, whether you limit this to the time of the "present distress" or not, you have just made Paul command the virgins in the Corinthian congregation to get married, and yet, to not seek to change their marital status. Such makes Paul utterly self-contradictory.

Not only that, but your interpretation completely disrupts the text of verses 1-7. Verse 2 would be a statement addressed to virgins, verses 3-4 would be a text addressed to married people, and verses 5-7 would again be referring to virgins. Such an interpretation thus makes the structure of the entire passage totally random, and inserts an unnatural break at every change of audience.

Thus, I would say that 1 Corinthians 7:2 is not at all relevant to our present circumstances as single people.

Jennifer,

There's a difference between saying that God works all things to our good, and saying that all things are for our own good. In the former biblical context, God's work is largely corporate and missional, rather than personal and "what's-in-it-for-me"?

You can't be serious. Please read the context:

Romans 8:28-30 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Is it individuals or corporate groups that are conformed to the image of God's son? Is it individuals or groups who are justified? Is it individuals or groups who are glorified? To turn this into a text about a corperate group is to totally rip it from its context.

Not only that, but, again, if we consider the context, we see that the text is teaching both that God works all things to our good and that all things are for our own good. Notice that in verses 29-30, you have the golden chain of redemption where the work of Christ results in our conforming to the image of Christ as well as our glorification. Notice that *God* is the subject of all of the verbs in verses 29-30, and hence, it is God who works all of the things [c.f. "all things" in verse 28] mentioned in these verses to the end of our glorification.

Thus, I would say that the only way you can maintain your position is if verse 28 is divorced from verses 29-30.

Another error is assuming that if something happens or doesn't happens it's "God's will" and therefore pleasing to God AND His personal plan for your life and therefore for your own good, even though the Bible doesn't quite say that. Even sin happens within God's sovereign will, and too many people have assumed that because God "let them sin" that their sin was "God's will" and thus "okay". Likewise, Christians have gone headlong into marriage with people who were incompatible with them, assuming that because God didn't stop them, then their spouse was handpicked by Him, for their own good, only to end up divorced! Could such a situation simply be God letting us learn from our mistakes? Could be, and we should confess our mistakes (sins) so that we can learn from them and get right with God. But let's not get side-tracked with endless speculation!

Well, then, we will stick to the scriptures. The Bible calls God's will "good, pleasing, and perfect" [Romans 12:2]. And yet, what does the text of Ephesians 1:11 say:

Ephesians 1:11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will,

This text is very explicit in saying that God works everything according to the purpose of his own will [which, as we have already seen] is good, pleasing, and perfect].

Not only that, but Romans 9 states very clearly the reason for evil in the world:

Romans 9:21-24 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonorable use? 22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, 23 in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory- 24 even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?

In your view, how can God tolerate the non-elect and their wickedness in order to make the riches of his glory known on the vessels of mercy? Surely, this text makes no sense, given what you have said in your post. The reason why evil people persecute Christians is so that God can make known the riches of his glory on his elect, and perfect them, conforming them into the likeness of his son.

Finally, I think that the Old Testament completely makes this view impossible. No one can say that God wants to give someone a spouse, but he just cannot do it, given what the scriptures say:

Daniel 4:35 all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?"

Psalm 115:3 But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases.

Psalm 135:6 Whatever the LORD pleases, He does, In heaven and in earth, in the seas and in all deeps.

On the basis of these verses I think we can very clearly say that there is nothing that God wants to do that he does not do. Such is hard for someone to hold who wants to say that God wants to give people spouses, but it is by some "free will" of our own that he cannot do it. God does whatever he pleases.

God Bless,
Adam

[57. Christina said the following at 6:46 PM on Jan 7:]

57

Candace said,
But it baffles me that so many commenters on this blog make the leap from that truth to believing if you ask marriage to meet any needs -- even the ones God created it to meet -- you're an idolater.

That is the hardest part about coming to grips with not being married and wanting to. It could also be why those who want to get married resign themselves to singleness. Because this belief is SO prevalent not only on this blog by commenters, but also by the church, its hard to own up to that desire for marriage with complete honesty, even if it is a God-given desire.

A lot of the commentors who are against these posts on encouraging marriage and providing hope to those who desire it but aren't given the oppurtunities need to understand that at some point, where THEY feel called to being single, these others feel called to marriage.

It is possible for the desire for marriage to be biblically based and God-given. And I also believe that it is necessary to discuss this desire on this blog because its a desire that CAN easily lead to idolatry and obsession - unhealthy and unbiblical desire.

Its also necessary to discuss the events that are preventing the people who feel that they are being called to marriage from being married. They are faced with opposition, and this accusation is just one of the examples of that opposition. To know that we aren't missing something, that we aren't failing as Christians because we have a strong desire for something that hasn't happened to us yet, or that maybe something is wrong with us that is preventing it is important. And learning to deal with that on a biblical level is worthy of discussion and all of Candace's posts.

There's a translation of the verse concerning the curse put on Eve that goes something like "...and your desire will be for your husband..."

So there it is...a God-given desire. And knowing that gives me comfort. That my desire for marriage IS NOT wrong, but given to me by God. A treasure that he has placed in my heart and has allowed to grow a desire to experience my relationship with him on a different level. That he has placed in me a desire to love another as I love my own flesh and perhaps even more. That he has given me the desire to care and nurture and raise a family of my own.

I would sincerely love it if people stopped thinking that it is wrong to desire marriage.

[58. Ted Slater said the following at 7:37 PM on Jan 7:]

58

Adam, your ability to deconstruct Scripture is dizzying.

Candice (please note the "i" in her name) challenged the culturally popular notion that Paul is advocating that "it's better to stay single so you can date around, have lots of time and discretionary income for travel, and build a vibrant career."

Candice is saying that, instead, a single who feels called to a commendable life like Paul's should not date, should not flirt, and should surrender any desire they might have to have children. That frees them to spend their time in powerful ministry unavailable to those in relationships.

Your argument seems to be that Candice is 100 percent wrong. Are you suggesting, then, that singles who desire to imitate Paul's celibate lifestyle should date around, flirt with the girls, and have fantasies about having kids some day? That doesn't make any sense to me.

If you *do* agree with Candice, but not with her exegesis, then consider being gracious in your communication. You can use your skills to tear down and destroy, or you can use your skills to gently bring correction and to affirm what *is* true in what someone's saying.

Let me invite you to practice your exegesis skills in a winsome manner, rather than in a vitriolic, condescending, Pharisaic manner. It'll be more effective, and I believe it will honor the Lord to speak the truth with a heart of love, rather than with a heart of distain.

To be honest, my first reaction to your comment was to use my verbal skills against you. I'm glad I've taken the time to reconsider. It takes effort and humility and time to approach something more graciously. Let's work on it together, Adam.

[59. R said the following at 9:45 PM on Jan 7:]

59

Adam,

Thanks for working to discern the Lord's will through a careful examination & exegesis of Scripture. It is greatly appreciated.

[60. Alicia said the following at 11:05 PM on Jan 7:]

60

Wow, not to put you down or anything Adam, but thank you Ted for stepping up to protect Candice from Adam's verbal attack (it did seem a bit condesending and harsh). I believe that her viewpoints are valid and reveal a lot of truth from a Biblical perspective. I appreciate her articles and willing to reach out to other people. Thank you Ted for being a gentleman and stepping in to help her. :)

I would like to say to everyone, that this blog post has been soooo exciting to read! It's the first time that I've really checked in everyday to see if there has been any new posts made to it. I guess that's because I myself was "on the fence" and not really sure what I felt 100 percent on the issue.

However, after writing my own posts and reading other's posts, I come to a more firm conclusion (that it's okay to desire and pray for marriage to happen in my own life and that while I'm waiting, I can use my life in the most fruitful way possible). I'm so excited about all of the wonderful things that God is going to do in the future (and right now!) :)

I'm encouraged by the following verses and by what someone in this blog said about desires. (Desires in and of themselves are not bad, it just depends where they are directed):

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing." (Heh heh, or in my case, a husband). ;)

I am more convinced than ever that God has called me to a life of marriage. I wasn't too sure about it before though...and part of me wonders if that is why God didn't bring someone special into my life before now.

Especially since the Bible says that if something is not done in faith, that it is sin. It may not necessarily be wrong for everyone, but if it IS wrong in a person's heart, then for that person it is not good. I'm wondering if that is maybe why God hasn't brought someone into my life yet--because before this, in my mind, there was still a thought that marriage is a "wrong" or "sinful" thing, based off of what other people were telling me.

If I am not convinced in my own mind that marriage is something good and wholesome, then how can I expect God to bless me with a husband? In my mind, he would be a source of contempt and wrong-doing for me.

I believe that if a person wants to get married, that he or she needs to be convinced that it is something blessed by God (which I totally believe that it is!) in order to be blessed that way with a spouse. If not, it would be an opportunity for my mind to think, "Oh my gosh, I must be sinning. I'm with a guy. My desires for a husband must be greater than my desire for God." I don't think that God wants that for people anymore than He wants for people who have issues over whether to eat meat or just vegetables (check out....I believe that it's Colossians 3?) I don't think that God will give us something that we think is wrong.

Does this kind of make sense to any of you? It's something that I just now started thinking in the last couple of days. I'd love to hear what the rest of you have to say on the matter. I'm open to your comments. :)

(Again, thanks for the post Candice--awesome topic! Look at how it has exploded and how many people are responding. You've definitely touched on a hot topic!) :)

[61. Alicia said the following at 11:08 PM on Jan 7:]

61

Oops, sorry, I just realized that I too was typing Candice's name with an "a" and not an "i." Sorry Candice, didn't mean too. :)

[62. Childless single woman said the following at 11:57 PM on Jan 7:]

62

The trouble is Ted, Adam doesn't "speak the truth", whether in love or otherwise!
Adam makes it seem like he has a monopoly on Scriptural truth, and so deceives vulnerable women like "a sassy sister" by throwing in the word "exegesis". In fact, Adam holds to a strange interpretation of Scripture that would have left Christian theologians in previous generations aghast! It just shows how screwed up this current generation is that his extreme views on singleness and marriage are deemed worthy of any consideration at all and not just looked on with dismay and disbelief!
The only "truth" is that Adam obviously has a lot of time on his hands...

[63. a sassy sister said the following at 9:04 AM on Jan 8:]

63

Candace,

You completely misunderstood my point, but the one thing I've realized in these posts is that people have already made up their mind to particular position or ATTITUDE towards singleness and marriage, whether negative or positive.

What I am saying borders on idolatry and unfair expectations of marriage is if the thinking that marriage will fill ALL the ultimate voids in our life, extending past the needs that God fulfills in marriage, and somehow using THE MARRIAGE COVENANT ITSELF as a security blanket to cover needs that only God can satisfy. I am not talking about the needs that marriage provides for are God designed to fill(which can be found in Scripture)---only the ones that are outside of marriage's true purpose--to be an example of God's love and to glorify Him!
Once again, that makes the focus of marriage all about us and not about God using us and working through us to show His love to the world. What I am against is the THINKING AND PERSPECTIVE of those who argue that a single person's desire for marriage should be their overriding focus in life, and that genuine contentment as a single is a complete paradox. Please understand that I am not saying that marriage doesn't meet man's needs for companionship or relationship. But what disturbs me is the band-aid, "all or nothing" mentality when it comes to our understanding of satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment. Is your instant reaction to singles who are dissatisfied with their life and OVER A CERTAIN AGE the response to "GET MARRIED"? Sometimes I think we automatically assume that singles who are dissatisfied with their lives and are of a certain age demographic(twenties and beyond)must somehow get married, as if that's the pat answer.
If you place the pursuit of MARRIAGE ITSELF AND BEING MARRIED above everything else in your life RIGHT NOW, INCLUDING PURSUING A DEEPER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD FIRST, somehow expecting ALL the emptiness, loneliness,and voids in your life to disappear, you're in for a rude awakening. Too many times people think a relationship will bring them wholeness and completion, when it was never designed for that. We are made for relationships. But what I think we forget to see is that relationships have a tendency to expose and magnify what's already in our hearts and reveal our true motives--which, apart from God are by nature selfish. They show our priorities, our focus, and our motivations for behavior, if you look closely enough. But most of all, they show how we cannot truly love others apart from knowing God and His love for us. The Bible says that we are to Love God first, then love our neighbor as ourselves.The first commandment enables us to do the second. That is what I am taking issue with. You can love God and want marriage. But when your desire for marriage blocks or blurs your focus on Christ, then I have a problem with that. When you see marriage as the solution instead of a VEHICLE of the solution, then you EXALT the COVENANT above the AUTHOR of the covenant. You lift the creation ABOVE the CREATOR.

I agree with Christina; there does need to be a balance between desiring marriage and desiring it so much that it becomes an obsession, hindering us from having a satisfying relationship with God and enriching relationships in the body of Christ. I am not saying that wanting marriage is wrong. I am not against singles knowing about the things that are hindering them from having healthy relationships. But marriage is not the main point! Christ is! Call me wrong, but I simply don't cultivate relationships with others for my sole benefit. I pursue relationships so that Christ is made known and shown to others in those relationships.
I am arguing that wanting marriage for the wrong reasons (to feel significant, to feel whole and commplete, to have a purpose in life) disturbs me. I thought that our worth, value, and identity came from Christ and not our marital status.

[64. Candice Watters said the following at 10:11 AM on Jan 8:]

64

Alicia,

You've tapped into the essence of the point I was trying to make:

It's good and right to desire and pray for marriage, while being fruitful in the meantime.

Not only that, but also it's possible to live in a way, while you're being a good steward of the present, that makes it more likely that you will get married and marry well. Conversely, it's possible to live in a way that marriage is harder to come by.

This is where I think "sassy sister" is raising a smoke screen. I'm not suggesting it's either Jesus or marriage as my focus, but Jesus as my Lord and Savior while I live the life He's given me. That includes lots of goal setting and hard work in every area from my physical fitness, education, work, and relationships.

What's troubling is that desiring marriage comes under singular scrutiny. If I said I desired a career in nursing, and applied to nursing schools, and studied hard, and passed my exams, and applied for openings at a hospital, no one would say I was making becoming a nurse an idol. Or that I was failing to let Jesus be Lord of my career. Or any such thing. But those comments and more are raised every time I suggest we have a role to play in getting married.

[65. Adam D said the following at 10:19 AM on Jan 8:]

65

I don't really see any truth in love here in the comments regarding Adam. When I read his comment, I thought he backed it up well and he is obviously passionate about accurate interpretation of the scriptures. I think it would be more productive and helpful for people to rebut him point for point with their mastery of the original translations rather than attacking him directly.

I just wanted to say that I appreciated Adam's comment and his passion for truth.

[66. Ted Slater said the following at 11:25 AM on Jan 8:]

66

Adam D -- The implication in Adam's attack of Candice's position is that single men who look to Paul as the model of celibacy should in fact be dating, should be flirting, and should be fantasizing about some day having kids.

Paul had committed himself to a lifetime of remaining single in order to serve the Lord undistracted. What made his singleness commendable was that he used that state in order to serve the Lord most effectively.

Too many singles nowadays reference Paul and his elevation of his single state, but then totally disregard the aspects of Pauline celibacy that ennoble that state! They use their time to enjoy travel to other countries, to focus on their careers, and so on. But that's not at all what Paul modeled with his singleness. Those actions are not at all compatible with the noble state of singleness that Paul described with his life.

Adam's deconstruction of Scripture, as I mentioned, is impressive. But I don't know what his conclusion is, what he's wanting his readers to "take away" after slogging through his monologue. Perhaps Adam has no conclusion, since he hasn't presented one, and is merely going through an impressive exercise.

I don't want to be mean, but this type of heavy-handed exegesis brings to mind the biblical scholars of Jesus' day, the ones Jesus came down hard against, about whom He said, "You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!" and "They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger."

It's not enough to display your exegetical skills. The people Jesus came down most hard against had impressive exegetical skills. These skills should be wielded with a heart of love and concern for those being engaged. I'm just not seeing Adam's scriptural deconstruction being used to build up, to encourage people toward godly action ... but rather see them as a hammer to destroy.

Frankly, Adam's words leave me discouraged, thinking that perhaps I'm not qualified to read Scripture, since it's clear that those who don't know Hebrew and Greek will always misinterpret it and will never be able to gain even a bit of truth from it.

[67. xeres said the following at 12:34 PM on Jan 8:]

67

Why can people just say unmarried instead of single? :-?. I have come to loathe the term "single" when used in everyday talk on relationship status. Sorry for being such language nazi but terms "in a relationship" and "single or singleness" seriously need to be replaced. We need to articulate better other than pat slang.

I personally think being celibate is normal and not a sign of sexual repression. Why is it that both celibacy and marriage are seen as something to dread for, even among the Christian communities. You are either celibate or married.

[68. a sassy sister said the following at 1:15 PM on Jan 8:]

68

Actually Ted,

the problem is the implication that those who are not married by a certain age are somehow delaying their singleness and wasting it if they're not married by a certain age. There are MANY single people who love God and not sitting on their butts complaining about how single they are. There are some people, who, despite their best efforts, resources, and even environment, are single.

[69. Adam said the following at 1:59 PM on Jan 8:]

69

Ted,

The implication in Adam's attack of Candice's position is that single men who look to Paul as the model of celibacy should in fact be dating, should be flirting, and should be fantasizing about some day having kids.

Well, that depends. Do they intend to get married someday, and are they willing to commit to a relationship that will move towards, and culminate in that day? If this is true, then I have no problems with this. However, if they intend to remain celebate their whole lives, then I would say that they are doing something wrong because it is dishonest. Of course, this text in 1 Corinthians 7 has absolutely nothing to do with this. If I were going to deal with someone flirting or dating someone with whom they had no intentions of marrying, I would go to texts that deal about honesty.

Second, with regards to the Pharasees, it was precisely because they did not do sound Biblical interpretation that Jesus got upset with them. Jesus got upset with them because they would do sound exegesis on the commandments they would keep, but when it came to the commandments they would not keep, they would take their traditions over the word of God. Consider the following:

Luke 11:42 "But woe to you Pharisees! For you pay tithe of mint and rue and every kind of garden herb, and yet disregard justice and the love of God; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.

Notice, Jesus does commend them for for their observance of the tithe, but he tells them that they have used their traditions to neglect the other commandments. In fact, Jesus makes it more explicit here:

Matthew 15:1-6 Then some Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem, saying, 2 "Why do Your disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat bread." 3 And He answered and said to them, "And why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 "For God said, 'Honor your father and mother,' and, 'He who speaks evil of father or mother, let him be put to death.' 5 "But you say, 'Whoever shall say to his father or mother, "Anything of mine you might have been helped by has been given to God," 6 he is not to honor his father or his mother.' And thus you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition.

Jesus takes on the Pharasees for adding their traditions to scripture, and thus, nullifying the word of God. Now, you have said that you do not like the implications of my exegesis, and therefore, you believe my exegesis to be wrong. However, I have to ask why we are determining what is correct exegesis by implications? Should we not live by the implications given to us by the very word of God, or should we determine the implications in the word of God by what we believe to be the correct implications? In other words, shouldn't we be doing the hard work of exegesis to know what the implications of the text are? If it means that, like the Pharasees, you have to get rid of some of your traditions to avoid nullifying the word of God, then should we not do it?

Secondly, as far as having to know Hebrew and Greek to understand the Bible, no, it is not a matter of that. It is a matter of you and Candice being teachers of God's people. Both of you have been put in a position where you are teaching the Bible to twenty-somethings. In order to do this, I don't think it is to much to ask that a person know the languages so that they can use discernment when they hear various interpretations of scripture thrown around. As teachers, we need to use discernment. Part of that discernment is being able to test the various interpretations given by singles authors with responsible exegesis. Without that, you just end up repeating what another author or teacher said, and you have no way to "examine all things, and hold fast to that which is good" [1 Thessalonians 5:21].

Also, I would say that this must be the case with even authors we respect. There are many authors to whom I give high respect, and yet, disagree with on many issues.

For instance, Augustine said many wonderful things about God's grace and the sovereign will of God to save sinners. However, his sacerdotalism is something I reject as unbiblical, as do most evangelicals. It is not a matter of understanding the Bible, it is a matter of being put in a position where you teach twenty-somethings on a daily basis, and having a God-given duty to do so with discernment. As James says:

James 3:1 Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we shall incur a stricter judgment.

Personally, this text makes me shudder in fear. It makes me want to get all of the training I can so that I can teach the truth of God's word to God's people with discernment.

I should mention that I believe you and Candice do have gifts in the area of teaching. You do a whole lot of good for the body of Christ, and for that, I am very thankful. I just wish that both of you would take the time so that you could be more discerning in what you promote.

Alicia,

Wow, not to put you down or anything Adam, but thank you Ted for stepping up to protect Candice from Adam's verbal attack (it did seem a bit condesending and harsh). I believe that her viewpoints are valid and reveal a lot of truth from a Biblical perspective. I appreciate her articles and willing to reach out to other people. Thank you Ted for being a gentleman and stepping in to help her. :)

Alicia, can you document this. What did you think was a "verbal attack?" What did you think was "condecending?"

CSW,

The only "truth" is that Adam obviously has a lot of time on his hands...

LOL, I would love for you to come up here and spend one semester at Trinity, and take classes in Hebrew, Egyptian Hieroglyphics, Sumerian, Akkadian, Ugaritic, Hebrew Exegesis, Ancient Near Eastern Religions, etc. I can guarantee you, I do not have "too much time on my hands."

Secondly, what is amazing is that, like Alicia, we have accusations with no proof. You say that I have a "strange interpretation of Scripture that would have left Christian theologians in previous generations aghast," yet you do not attempt to interact with those who have dealt with this issue from a historical perspective, and thus offer no proof. You say that I "make it seem like he has a monopoly on Scriptural truth, and so deceives vulnerable women like "a sassy sister" by throwing in the word 'exegesis,'" but, again, offer no place where my exegesis has been faulty.

So, again, I will gladly consider that I have been too harsh if you can prove that I have. Until I do, I believe that I have a post that sticks closely to the text of 1 Corinthians 7:1-9.

God Bless,
Adam

[70. Alicia said the following at 2:06 PM on Jan 8:]

70

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Thank you Candice, for expressing what I've been trying to write (that's why you're the writer and I'm not, lol). :D You brought up the issue of desires--and how people don't critize others for career choices, but they are quick to challenge and put down those who are putting their trust in the dream of marriage someday.

I don't think that desires are wrong, as long as you're being directed by the Lord. And because Scripture points to marriage as something good and blessed by God, then I'd say that it's safe to pray to God for a Godly husband (or in other people's cases, a Godly wife).

I have been mulling over and chewing on this subject today while I'm here at work (don't worry, I'm on a lunch break, lol) and I started to think about all of the Godly married couples there were in the Bible--a few in particular stood out in my mind:

Sarah and Abraham
Ruth and Boaz
Mary and Joseph

These were people who decided to marry and yet were not considered ungodly by the Lord. Quite the opposite! :) (I mean, Mary was blessed with giving birth to and raising the Son of God!) If God put Jesus into Mary's belly through the Holy Spirit, couldn't it be said that He could have put it in some single person's stomach too? Yet God chose Mary who was married. To me, this shows that both single and married people can be of service to the Lord in different ways. Both are equally important....and that marriage is not bad. If marriage were bad, then these Godly couples of the Bible would be guilty of sin or of choosing a spouse over God. But they weren't. Instead, God used them in service for Him.

I think that single people should not be asking, "Lord, is it Your will for me to marry? I feel this desire to, but it must be wrong, because desire must be wrong, so please take it away from me."

But rather, "Lord, there is a desire in my heart to be married and because Your Word says that marriage is a good thing, I ask You to bless this desire in a way that will bring You the most honor and glory.

I want to be everything that You have called for me to be as a single and I want to be everything that You have called for me to be as a married person.

Because of this desire in my heart, I seek Your ways, knowing that You will guide me along the straightest path.

Lord, please guide me to the kind of spouse that you would like for me to marry. What would you like me to be looking out for God? What kind of spouse should I myself be? How can I best prepare for this future journey of marriage that I feel a desire for so strongly? How can I bring the most honor to You through our marriage?

Show my future spouse and I how to work together as a team for you and teach us how to properly raise our (really your) children in a way that this world will be more blessed with having them in it as Christian believers than if they had never come and given their hearts to you.

Help our family to always honor You and teach us to value and treasure the special gift that You have given us in each other. Thank You for blessing us. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

[71. Ted Slater said the following at 2:44 PM on Jan 8:]

71

Adam, you are clever with words. I confess that it feels like your motivations for sharing your exegesis may be primarily self-serving, intending to impress us with your education and to destroy people rather than to provide them helpful biblical counsel.

Selah.

I chose my words carefully in my previous comment. I specifically referred to "single men who look to Paul as the model of celibacy." To my knowledge, Paul was not intending to become married. He had settled that his life would be one without a spouse, something that enabled him to do things married men wouldn't be able to do.

So my point was that if you're going to look to Paul as the example of singleness, if you're going to defend your extended singleness by pointing to Paul, then you should take on the heart and actions of Paul ... by not dating, not flirting, and so on. And such a lifestyle is extremely commendable, a very high and honorable state.

You wrote that I "have said that [I] do not like the implications of [your] exegesis." No. I will not allow you to construct a Straw Man of me so that you might knock it down. The truth is that you provided no implications of your exegesis. You simply sought to destroy Candice, and then provided no biblically-based counsel of your own.

As I asked before, what counsel do you have to offer, based on your study of Scripture, to single men and women? Or have you so deconstructed Scripture that you're left with nothing but Greek tenses and Hebrew sentence structure? Seriously -- if you disagree with Candice's counsel, what is your biblically-informed counsel?

You say about anyone who references Scripture in their writings: "I don't think it is too much to ask that a person know the [Hebrew and Greek] languages...." The Reformers would shudder at such an attitude, Adam. They would reference the priesthood of all believers, going on to say that we no longer require a highly educated Catholic priest to interpret God's Word for us. True, there are right ways and wrong ways to interpret Scripture, but it's my conviction that I don't need to be versed in the original languages to learn something from it.

Adam, I have to say that your writing comes across as arrogant, bludgeoning your competition with academics. After reading your words, I'm not left with a clearer grasp of correct doctrine or the grace of God, but a sense that you are intelligent. And that's about it. Is that your intention, to merely come across as learned and not to provide any graciously conveyed biblical counsel?

[72. Alicia said the following at 2:55 PM on Jan 8:]

72

Hi Adam,

It's not necessarily what you said that I had an issue with (even though I tend to disagree), but rather the tone that was used in writing it. Let me explain... (I have put some of your words in caps):

PUNCH 1:
"NOT ONLY THAT..."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT STATEMENT:
It comes off as a "know-it-all" attitude.

PUNCH 2:
"...YOU HAVE JUST MADE Paul command the virgins in the Corinthian congregation to get married, and yet, to not seek to change their marital status."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT STATEMENT:
You placed blame on Candice's statements with "finger-pointing".

It could have been re-worded instead to say something like, "Based on the statements that you made, it appears that it is contradictory because...." It's less harsh and condescending this way.

PUNCH 3:
"NOT ONLY THAT..."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
See Punch #1

PUNCH 4:
"YOUR INTERPRETATION COMPLETELY DISRUPTS THE TEXT OF VERSES 1-7."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
Again, it appears that what you are saying is being done in a finger-pointing type attitude and as if Candice is completely misinterpreting the Bible. (Which I believe she is not).

PUNCH 5: (These were directed, not to Candice, but to Jennifer):
"You can't be serious."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
Of course Jennifer is being serious. I believe that every person here is being serious. The response that you gave makes it sound like you're saying, "Wow, you really don't know anything do you?" As if you knew everything yourself.

You continue to write, "PLEASE READ THE CONTEXT," right after your "You can't be serious" statement, which makes it sound as if you're saying, in an unwritten way, "Jennifer, you misinterpreted the Scripture. MY interpretation is the right way. Take a lesson from me."

Again, it sounds condescending. You could have instead wrote something like, "I respect your interpretation of this verse, but I see a different interpretation when I read it. Let me share it with you..."

PUNCH 6:
"TO TURN THIS INTO A TEXT ABOUT A CORPORATE GROUP IS TO TOTALLY RIP IT FROM ITS CONTEXT."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
You are accusing someone of something very strong. Be careful from your wording.

PUNCH 7:
"NOT ONLY THAT, BUT, AGAIN, IF WE CONSIDER THE CONTEXT..."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
See Punch #1

PUNCH 8:
"BUT LET'S NOT GET SIDE-TRACKED WITH ENDLESS SPECULATION! WELL, THEN, WE WILL STICK TO THE SCRIPTURES."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
By saying this, you are inadvertently accusing the others, including Candice, about mindlessly speculating about the issue at hand, not realizing that they too are backing their argument with Scripture.

PUNCH 9:
"AND YET, WHAT DOES THE TEXT OF EPHESIANS 1:11 SAY"

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
To me, this is said in a kindergarten teacher tone that suggests, "You don't know anything. Let me tell you how it is."

PUNCH 10:
"NOT ONLY THAT"

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STATEMENT:
See Punch #1

PUNCH 11: (Brass-knuckle hit, TKO):
"IN YOUR VIEW, HOW CAN GOD TOLERATE THE NON-ELECT AND THEIR WICKEDNESS....SURELY THIS TEXT MAKES NO SENSE, GIVEN WHAT YOU HAVE SAID IN YOUR POST."

WHAT MAKES THIS STATEMENT WRONG:
This was probably the lowest blow in the fight, because you're accusing someone of being ignorant and stupid--someone who totally hashed and misinterpreted Scripture. This is harsh and unloving and comes off as very cocky and prideful. I think that this is the attitude that Ted was referring to in his earlier post.

I hope that this clears things up. Thank you for inviting me to share my feelings and how I found some statements made to be adverse and contrary to the spirit of Love. I don't say these things to harp down on you or anything like that, but rather to show you that there is a kinder way of saying things to others, even when you don't agree with them. :)

[73. Adam said the following at 3:34 PM on Jan 8:]

73

Alicia,

Quick response now, because I have to leave.

All of your accusations are just nothing more than "it made me feel this way," or "it made me think this way." Such is totally subjective. You said that it was "condescending" and that I "verbally attacked" Candace. Please give us a clear instance of when I did this, so that we can all agree that I did it. If not, then we have nothing more than your own feelings of how it sounded. If you cannot, then I still maintain that you have slandered me.

Ted,

The reformers would not even think the way you have thought. The reformation was a revival of the original languages, and a revival of careful exegetical study of the text of scripture. Personally, I think it comes across as arrogant to say that one can go into a teaching position and not get the background necessary to use discernment.

Are you aware that the Puritans didn't just make their pastors learn Greek and Hebrew. They had to be able to engage in a debate in the topic as well!!!!!!!! I would really be struggling if I tried to become a pastor back in those days. Yet, they did it for a reason. They did it because they wanted their pastors to be able to use discernment in their handling of the text of scripture.

So, basically, all of the accusations are based upon what people thought. There is no one who can factually document anything, and thus, again, I maintain that have a sound exegesis of 1 Corinthians 7:1-9.

[74. Emily said the following at 3:35 PM on Jan 8:]

74

Dear Ted,

(in your last post to Adam)
"Seriously -- if you disagree with Candice's counsel, what is your biblically-informed counsel?"

Aren't people entitled to disagree with one another and to point out why? I don't think that our brother Adam intended to "destroy" Candice, as you had pointed out. Adam was using scripture to back his opinion.

If people are going to be criticized for disagreeing with the leadership of Boundless.org, what's the point in having a discussion?

[75. Autumn said the following at 3:54 PM on Jan 8:]

75

Adam,
As a high school senior who visits this blog because it is really good "food for thought", you quite frankly scare me to death. Your know-it-all attitude regarding the scripture and your bosting about your education are frightning. People like you are one of the reasons that I am scared to go to college, specificaly, a christian college. Don't get me wrong, I'm sooo excited to go to a school where I, and my teachers, can discuss theology and religion openly and freely, and where I can discuss issues with others who believe differently than me. There aren't a lot of people like that in my small town :) But your spouting off of classes is not at all impressive. People who feel the need to boast like that are sickening to me. The most truly intelligent people that I know are also some of most quiet and humble people that I know. The ability to admit your mistakes and your shortcomings, i think, is a sign of intelligence and integrity. Without that ability, you can have an impressive list of degrees from an impressive school, but still not be respected or considered intelligent. So please, before you go spouting off all your knowledge and exegetics, consider how you are coming across to others, and if you really want others to listen to what you have to say.

[76. Alicia said the following at 3:56 PM on Jan 8:]

76

I did point it out to you Adam--did you just not get it? I also did not slander you before....to use your own argument, "Can you prove it or are you just being subjective in your feelings about how I responded to you?"

I would like to get back onto the original topic about singles and married people please. Thank you.

[77. k. said the following at 4:28 PM on Jan 8:]

77

Wow -- a heated discussion. My attention was drawn particularly by what Ted and csw had to say.

Ted...I was a little surprised by your response to Adam. Your responses, too, sometimes come across as smug and condescending. Your tone can, at times, be EXACTLY what you object to.

As for csw...she thinks sassy sister could benefit from reading Debbie Maken; I think csw would benefit by reading Hamlet. The Shakespeare quote she uses is 1-wrongly applied to sassy sister (who hardly seems to be 'protesting too much,' or for that matter, 'vulnerable'), and 2-misquoted anyway.

[78. Ted Slater said the following at 4:41 PM on Jan 8:]

78

Adam -- why are you avoiding answer my primary question? If you disagree with Candice's counsel, what is your biblically-informed counsel?

It seems like you're arguing that only "pastors," fluent in ancient Greek and Hebrew, should be allowed to draw meaning from Scripture in their writings. That those who edit and write for Christian publications should have as a prerequisite a mastery of biblical languages. Is my understanding correct?

Do you condemn house churches in China and India and Brazil and other parts of the world, many of whose "pastors" may be barely literate?

Is it in fact only true that "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable" when that Scripture is read in the original language? That sounds to me more in line with Islamic doctrine than Christian doctrine, Adam.

The truth is that the Reformers encouraged laity to read Scripture, a consequence of the doctrine of "universal priesthood." While I expect my pastors to know the source of our doctrine (the Bible) in its original languages, I as a mere layman am able to draw truth from its pages by merely studying it in English. This conviction is consistent with what the Reformers preached.

Dissecting Scripture is of some value, Adam, but if you stop there, your efforts are of no benefit to anyone. If Scripture is indeed "profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness," then let me implore you not to stop with merely deconstructing Candice's interpretation of 1 Cor. 7; provide counsel of your own, based on your study of Scripture.

Even now I imagine you're gearing up to present the nuances of 2 Tim 3:16, nuances that prove that I don't know what I'm talking about because I merely read Scripture in English.

Adam, you continue to critique the rhetorical approach with which Candice and I have written, seeming unaware of the acerbic tone you've adopted, but refuse to address the practical points of the matter. You seem to be floating along at an aloof, academic level, without providing any application to the issue at hand. Are you unable to do so? Is it really your intention to stand high above us all like some cosmic referee, merely poking your hand in once in a while to straighten things out? Or are you willing to condescend and contribute some gracious counsel based on your studies of Scripture?

Emily -- you write, "Adam was using scripture to back his opinion." No, he wasn't. And that's the point. He hasn't given us his opinion. He's merely bludgeoning Candice with academics. He's using his skills not to build up, but to tear down.

I, in fact, would like to have a discussion with Adam, rather than always being on the receiving end of his academic indignation.

[79. Jennifer said the following at 4:49 PM on Jan 8:]

79

Sassy Sis said: "Jennifer: involuntary protracted singleness is not the problem that disturbs me in these posts. What disturbs me is the LACK OF BALANCE and the FOCUS in these posts---it's the fact that your post and CSW's imply that somehow marriage is the answer for whatever deep issues are ailing singles."

And to Candice: "the one thing I've realized in these posts is that people have already made up their mind to particular position or ATTITUDE towards singleness and marriage, whether negative or positive."

Again, sis, NOWHERE has anyone suggested that marriage is the answer for all problems facing all singles -- an impression you seem to be getting perhaps because you've already made up YOUR mind about where we're coming from, rather than reading our posts carefully. We are more than just concerned with the issue of protracted singleness for the sake of the individual who suffers with it, but also FOR THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE CHURCH AND FOR SOCIETY AS A WHOLE.

Did you know that the marriage and birth rates have been dropping, even for Christians (especially women) for decades? Do you understand that protracted singleness isn't just a problem as far as individuals feeling lonely and "discontent", it's the collective effects of widespread protracted singleness (most of who WILL feel discontent in their singleness, no matter how much you preach at them) across mass numbers of people? In saying "involuntary protracted singleness is not the problem that disturbs me in these posts", you seem to be denying these realities.

How can we find solutions to these problems, if every time we enter into any discussion of them, we are accused of "making marriage into an idol"? If you're going to expound on the importance of "balance and focus", then it's only fair to join with us in rethinking some of the "just-Jesus-n-me" teachings that have enabled this problem to go unaddressed for the past few decades.

[80. Childless single woman said the following at 4:56 PM on Jan 8:]

80

I thought I would spend a little time this evening in addressing Adam's points.

To make this easier, I copied and pasted all of his comments onto a Word doc.

And then, out of curiosity, I did a word count.

Adam has written a grand total of 4,775 words on this post alone.

Ted, it is not so much that Adam is "clever with words", merely very generous with them. To the extent that he becomes impossible to argue with, because you would pass out with fatigue long before you are done!

Basically, the gist seems to be, if it's God's will, it will happen; if it isn't, it won't.

So people, this is great news! There's no need to study, no need to look for a job, no need to eat, no need to drink, no need to breathe...There's also no need to help people, no need to fight injustice, no need to correct false teaching...

There is nothing we can do about anything -- ever -- because, as Adam has kindly reminded us, God is sovereign.

So that means we just need to do...er...nothing.

About anything.

That's the Christian life, according to Adam, summed up in two sentences. No need, after all, for those thousands of words! (Oh, yeah, sprinkled in with some words of Scripture to make it have the appearance of wisdom. And a few little cute patterns pointed out here and there.)

God Bless.
(Or not. After all, if it's God's will that you be blessed...)

[81. Chris Krycho said the following at 6:53 PM on Jan 8:]

81

Adam,

From the American Heritage Dictionary:
condescend: To deal with people in a patronizingly superior manner.

Alicia pointed out numerous examples of instances where you dealt with people in a patronizingly superior manner. That you are unwilling to accept any correction does not speak well of you. Your assuredness of being right is a dangerous ground to walk on. You may be right (and in a lot of cases I agree with you) - but your confidence in yourself can lead to your undoing. Remember Paul's admonition to the Corinthians on a topic even more controversial than this one: knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.

The fact that you have more knowledge than most of the people here does not make you better than them; nor does it give you the right to be rude - which you have done, though you have chosen not to admit it.

On another note, I, like Ted, would appreciate it if you did not simply attack what you see as false views (for reasons you've amply elaborated here and in other threads several times already) and stated instead what you think a Biblical view is rather than simply what it is not. You're certainly entitled to repeat your arguments against the propositions proposed, but after a time you begin to lose some of your cache if you do not raise your own proposition.

And you could at the very least demonstrate some common courtesy by keeping an eye on your spelling. It is, as has been noted, Candice, not Candace. :-)

God bless!

[82. BDB said the following at 11:32 PM on Jan 8:]

82

Gosh, what happened? Everybody got mean so quickly...

Let's see here, Candice Watters wrote:

>>But it baffles me that so many commenters on this blog make the leap from that truth to believing if you ask marriage to meet any needs -- even the ones God created it to meet -- you're an idolater. <<

Spoken like someone with a happy marriage!

I can tell you the exact point when my family stopped pressuring me to get married: when my cousin got divorced. She is one year older, it ended badly after less than two years, and she's withrawn somewhat from the family since. I never actually asked anyone to stop the pressure, they just all did at once. And, honestly, I don't entirely understand what happened with my cousin. She went back to college and bought a house.

In fact, I found myself in the odd situation over the holidays of my mother complaining that her church is TOO focused on families and children. (If my mother knew I was reading this blog, it might start an argument.)

After all, a lot of men grew up in homes where they never saw their father lead, and a lot of women grew up in homes where their mother was never a "helpmeet." If someone never experienced or observed marriage meeting any needs, they're not going to be terribly motivated to try. I'm certain that this is why widows and widowers from good marriages remarry so quickly: they DO know why it's worth it. And they already know how to do it.

Meanwhile, I know women who never saw their father lead, and when some guy starts leading, she rejects him because it violates her "boundaries," by which I mean that she allocates all decisions about career, spending, etc. to herself and herself alone, and expects to continue to do so after marriage.

At the same time, men who've never seen their mother be supportive and respectful to their father may be confused if some woman from a healtheir home starts to do that to him. I've seen several men handle that kind of attention in ways that don't get anyone closer to marriage. Poor reactions include everything from assuming that it's just about sex to thinking he can just enjoy it while it lasts, taking no initiative on his own.

Perhaps it would be helpful to have an article or two outlining how to create a successful marriage for children of divorce.

Autumn wrote:

>>People like you are one of the reasons that I am scared to go to college, specificaly, a christian college.<<

Goodness, it's not your fellow students who will be like that. Adam does strike me as someone who will be a PhD student, if he's not already. You will have a few professors like this, but in my experience, less than 5% them. You can learn from forceful people, even if they aren't nice to you. I found myself in an uncomfortable discussion with a good friend, I was complaining about how a certain professor disrespected my faith, and she sheepishly told me he was her advisor for her honors project because he was really smart.

[83. Nat said the following at 8:27 AM on Jan 9:]

83

It is really a heated discussion! I think, it gets that way because desiring to marry is such a painful question for singles (most singles, let’s say), so it quickly goes down to discussing whether it’s better to be married or remain single and what the Bible says about it. But this is not what Candice was saying. To me, she addressed the heart attitude, which comes with prolonged singleness. There are degrees of being content with being single, there is this thing as saying in one’s heart “I am so happy to be single and my life is so self-satisfying, that there is no point for me to desire that marriage thing, who knows whether it would be better, Paul did not recommend it any way”. It’s a kind of self-defensive attitude, when one’s personal struggle of STILL being single seeks to justify itself in some “lifestyle advantages” that he or she now has. Although it might help “to hang in there” in a short term, it certainly does not bring us any closer to marriage or being ready to accept the relationship into our life. It’s an attitude of desperation and it hardens the heart. There is lack of vulnerability, lack of wishing and passionately desiring to get married. It also makes it hard to pray to get married and to meet the right person, because it immediately brings down the frustration: so, I am praying, and nothing happens, I should have just been content with whatever I had. I believe it might even block marriage to happen. Singles get so tough in their hearts, that they might not be open to the opportunities that come their way.
I think the change comes with prayer. The best thing that happened for me in this area is that God gave me a married couple – friends who began to passionately pray for me. It brought so many changes to my thinking. My confession changed from “I would rather be alone and serve God if nothing else” to “I will not be alone! I am going to get married soon! Thanks, Daddy!”
I think when we are ready in our heart, God will not delay even a minute to bring the right person into our life. But we have to work in this together with Him, developing the right attitude, tender heart, and expectancy, which lifts up our faith and opens the door for a change in our life.

[84. John said the following at 8:52 AM on Jan 9:]

84

"I don't disagree with what you said. If a guy asks a girl to marry him, she says yes, and they get married, then it was God's will."

Really?

You've got a long way to go if that's your understanding.

Wow.

Directions: Take nose out of book, put into real world. Get proper understanding of God and world.

[85. Alicia said the following at 2:16 PM on Jan 9:]

85

Nat,

That was absolutely beautiful! :) I really enjoyed reading your post. That is the position that I have found myself in after reading all the posts in this singles blog.

I used to pray, "Lord, I want to be married....but only if Your Will! Well, it must not be Your Will because I'm not married yet...soo.....(shuffles feet)...would You please bless my life in some other way? I really WANT to get married God, but...I dunno, I guess that I shouldn't have that desire. So, I lay it down before You and ask You to do big things in my life. Please take away the desire for marriage, because it would hurt to much to keep wanting it, but never recieving it."

BUT! :)

Now my prayer has changed to, "Lord, I believe in my heart that is Your Will for me to marry a Godly Christian man someday. He hasn't come into my life yet because I know that there are areas of my life that You would still like to work on. I pray that You would fill my single days with joy and happiness and that You would also bless the days after I find "him" and get married. I don't want to look back at my single days with sadness, I want to see joy. And I don't want to look ahead to my married days and see sadness, I want to see joy there too. I pray that You would bless my heart and life with the right intentions. I am believing that this is Your Will for my life, because the desire to marry is there. I know that You will not give me anything that is harmful, just like a father will not give a child that he loves a snake if he asks for a fish. I believe in my heart of hearts that this is Your Will for my life and am going to step forward in faith, pursuing it in a Godly way. I know that if it's not right, that You will show me in due time like You always do. But, until then, because the desire is there, I believe that it is something that You have called good and I ask You to bless me in it. Thank You for all that You are going to be doing in my life and Thank You for all that You have already done. I love You." :)

I faced a similar situation, dealing with prayer and believing in faith for God's answer, when my Grandma was in the hospital last year. She was in the ICU and the doctors said that there wasn't anything that could be done for her. She was slipping away, her pulse becoming weaker and weaker and the doctors were sending us in one by one to say goodbye to her.

I don't what it was in me (the Holy Spirit I guess!) :), but I kept thinking, "Wait, maybe Jesus wants to heal her." My family around me were all talking about "saying goodbye" and how it was "better for her to go Home to be with Jesus."

But I wanted to spend some more time with her. I wanted to say goodbye while she was coherant. I felt like God put the verse into my heart, "Don't be afraid, just believe."

I kept telling my family, "God CAN heal her you know. Maybe it's NOT her time to go yet."

The most remarkable thing began to happen. Her heart rate started to come up and the doctors moved her out of ICU to a regular room.

Yet still, the doctors and my family kept saying, "They're putting her in a regular room so that she can just die peacefully. There is nothing more that they can do."

But I still kept hearing that verse in my head, "Don't be afraid, just believe."

We were all gathered around my Grandma, stroking her hands and feet as she lay there, telling her how much we loved her and hoping that she could hear us tell her those things. Everyone was so convinced that she was going to die that day.

But again, that verse kept running through my head and heart...

I was holding my Grandma's hand, telling her how much I loved her and decided to start praying for her.

I prayed, "God, I don't know if it's Your Will for You to heal Grandma or not, but the Bible is full of stories of people who have been healed by You and I'm trusting that it IS Your Will to heal her. I know that if it's not Your Will to heal her, that You will let me know.

But until then, I'M BELIEVING THAT YOUR ANSWER IS YES, UNTIL YOU TELL ME NO."

I felt this wave of heat wash over me and about 10 to 15 seconds later, (I'm not joking), my Grandma sits straight up in bed, her eyes fling wide open, she starts trying to talk and to take the breathing mask off of her face!!! It was the most "wow" and miraculous thing that I have ever seen in my life! :oO! :)!!!

God DID end up healing her that day. He gave us about 3 more precious months with her and they were the most blessed times that I have spent with her in her entire life. :)

My point is this to all of you singles out there (me included):

I think that rather than praying, "Oh Lord, IF it is Your Will, then please let me get married." God knows that if you're walking with Him, that You're already seeking His Will for your life.

I think that we should be praying instead,

"Lord, I want to be married to a Godly spouse. If it's not Your Will for me to marry, then I know that You'll show me.

But until then, I'M BELIEVING THAT YOUR ANSWER IS YES, UNTIL YOU TELL ME NO." :)

And He will. God is faithful. :) I think that as long as a little piece of that desire to be married is still there in your heart, that you can still pray that prayer in faith, knowing that it's still possible. :)

[86. Alicia said the following at 3:23 PM on Jan 9:]

86

Childless single woman:

(Chuckles and shakes head) You're funny :) Thanks for proving a good point...and for bringing a smile to my face while you did. :)

[87. anthony said the following at 4:44 PM on Jan 9:]

87

why I have a gripe with stuff like this...
I rarely hear of a "single" person (no pun intended) that had a problem in waiting or desiring for a mate, who changed something different in their personal life and then moved into marraige???
Where are those stories?
Nat's post is inspiring and goes along with what I have been hearing lately. Placing your expectations in God for a godly desire that you have. Confess what he has made real in your heart and wait for it.
Right now, it's in my heart to want to sow into the lives of my friends who are getting engaged now and are married! (i'm 24 so they're popping up left and right)
Now there are times where God may have other plans and supercedes my desire because he is looking @ the grand scheme of things. Hopefully, he then places the grace in my heart to deal with the unfulfilled desire.
I would like to hear someone who is now married after having gone through the season of singleness and how they may have battled with all the differing opinions that exists on this board.

[88. Andrew (tlw) said the following at 7:59 PM on Jan 9:]

88

Alicia,

I like the analogy you've drawn between healing and marriage. The scriptures teach that God is for us. Being sick, like being involuntarily single for decades, is not the preferred state of being.

I hope you don't get too criticised for introducing it. Being unmarried is not analagous to being sick; I understand that. I hope others do too.

[89. John said the following at 8:17 PM on Jan 9:]

89

Just pray for a Godly person to marry!!!

Dang, do you people need a road map for everything?

People try to spiritulize things way too much.

And trust me, marriage is work, it ain't the end of the game!

Before anybody starts, I ain't belittling anyone's struggle, but man, the Christian community can certainly make a mountain out of this mole hill.

Believe me when I tell you this, there IS someone for everyone. Unless you are called to be cellibate, which very very few are, there is someone for you.

I'm sorry, it just wasn't that difficult for me.

I love my wife, kid, family, the whole schabang, but before them I had Jesus and I was cool with Him.

I would qualify somethings, but it would make this post way too long.

Trust God, do your part!

[90. BDB said the following at 9:22 PM on Jan 9:]

90

Chris Krycho wrote:

>>but after a time you begin to lose some of your cache if you do not raise your own proposition.<<

Incidentally, this is why Adam sounds like a PhD student to me. We had a joke in graduate school that once you get a PhD, you're not allowed to have an opinion of your own, you can only cite the opinions of others...using both the primary and secondary literature...properly annotated...

They also said that with a graduate student, you put in a quarter and get a 15-page paper. I think that's only 3,740 words when double-spaced, in 12 pt Times Roman type and 1.25" side margins...

[91. Alicia said the following at 10:19 PM on Jan 9:]

91

ANDREW:

Thank you for understanding what I was trying to explain Andrew. I appreciate that. :) I'm glad that you were encouraged by her story and how God healed her to spend more time with my family and I.

You're right. Being single isn't the preferred state of being for those that are called to be married (for those who desire marriage).

Ecclesiastes 4:8-14 talks about the challenges of being single (whether it deals with friends or spouses):

"There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"

This too is meaningless—a miserable business!

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

God is Good. :) I pray that He will bless your heart's desires and that He will also bless the heart's desires of all of those here who desire to be married one day.

God's blessing on you all. :) (Heh heh, on me too) ;)

JOHN:

John, I loved how downright straightforward you were. My mom actually said the same thing when I mentioned this blog to her--that people nit-pick and over-spiritualize things. I guess that mom is always right! lol :D (You too, lol)

CANDICE:

I am wondering since you're in favor of God's blessing on singles who would like to get married someday (I am too)...I'm wondering if you're planning on writing an article that tells young women (and men) HOW to get prepared best for marriage.

The Lord knows that there are still many things that He needs to work on in my life before I'm ready for marriage (not that I'll ever be 100% ready, but I know that I would like to be more ready)...could you please provide some direction about what a woman could or should be doing to prepare herself to be a wife while she is waiting for God to bring that "special someone" into her life?

I'd love to hear your advice on it! I love reading all of your articles--I have so many saved under my "Favorites" tab on my computer. :)

Thanks!

[92. Alicia said the following at 10:59 PM on Jan 10:]

92

Wow, so is that the end to this blog? :*( I got so much from it, I wish that it'd continue! :)

Anyways, for those of you who DO happen upon this page sometime in the future, I'd like to share this AWESOME single woman's prayer that I found in the book called, "The King's Daugther" by Diana Hagee. Enjoy! :)

PRAYER FOR SINGLE WOMEN:

"As a single woman I seek You to guide me and direct every step I take. I won't look at others to complete me, because I have You as my Companion, Friend, Brother, Father, and Lord. Help me to be complete in You, Lord. You created me with a purpose, and I know Your desire is for me to wait for Your best. I do hereby commit myself to you, to remain pure and set apart until I marry. I ask You, Father, to prepare the man You created for my husband to recieve me as You have recieved me. I want to have a heart after the Father, that the joy of the Lord is my strength. Amen."

It also includes a prayer for women who are single and content in their single situation:

"Father, as a single woman I acknowledge my place in You and Your role in my life. I know You as my Savior, and I believe in You and Your Word. The spiritual strength I recieve from You enables me to be happy and fulfilled regardless of my marital status. Protect my thought life, and give me the discipline to cast down every vain imagination and take captive every idle thought. I desire a passion for Your holiness so that I may experience Your fullness in my life as I seek to know You, love You, and follow Your Word. Amen."

As I thought about all the conflicting posts that were written during this blog, a verse came to my heart:

Romans 14:1-23

It is talking about the eating or not eating of vegetables, but I think that it applies here too.....some people are anticipating marriage one day, while others feel content being single.

Rather than putting each other down, we should be content with the faith that God has put into our heart for our personal situation, knowing that we are each glorifying the Lord in our beliefs.....being single for some and longing for marriage in others. Both seek to glorify the Lord and that is what matters. :)

[93. Jennifer said the following at 3:38 PM on Jan 11:]

93

When Jennifer said about Romans 8:28: "There's a difference between saying that God works all things to our good, and saying that all things are for our own good. In the former biblical context, God's work is largely corporate and missional, rather than personal and "what's-in-it-for-me"?

Adam said "You can't be serious. Please read the context"

Actually Adam, I am serious -- because of the context. Let's look at Romans 8:28-30 again:

Romans 8:28-30 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the FIRSTBORN among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified."

Note "first born" in verse 29.

Interesting that you quote Ephesians 1:11 without verse 12, which gives us a much fuller context: In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the FIRST to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.

Both of these passages (as well as Romans 9:21-24) are written in the context of encouraging the FIRST Christians of the early church. As I've said before, wherever suffering is deemed to be "God's will" in the NT, it's always in the context of the persecution and travails of the early Christians, for the sake of the church.

And as for Romans 12:2, that verse (the entire chapter, in fact, as are the next 3 that follow) is clearly about conforming to God's moral will (NOT a statement proclaiming all circumstances to be "God's will", as you use it to suggest). Read as follows: "Do not be conformed to this world, [1] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. [2]."

Does this mean that I deny that God works in "all things"? No, He is at work in all things. Do I deny that He works for our good, or has plans for us? No, He works toward our good (our redemption and glory in Christ -- his ultimate plans). Sin (which is not pleasing to God, even if it does occur under his ordinance) is a reality in our fallen world, and so we tread on dangerous ground when we make the logical leap to declare specific things that occur as "God's will" (or even worse "for our own good"), even God can (no one said He "couldn't", as you've mischaracterized) use anything for His good -- indeed, nothing frustrates God's purposes.

Besides, if we really are "to stick to the scriptures", as you say, then we must concede that there are so many more biblical references to come to Him to be healed, delivered, made whole, etc. And not one instance where we are told not to.

[94. Emily said the following at 6:39 PM on Jan 12:]

94

I have some questions for men and women who have a strong desire to marry. Keep in mind, these are mental exercises that have helped me and if this helps you, great. If not, that's okay.

1)Why do you want to get married?

Then, I have some questions for you to ask yourselves.

1) How do I see myself as a single person? Do I feel as if I am valuable? What about being single brings up negative feelings about being single?

2) What characteristics am I looking for in a life partner?

3) How do I feel when I receive or don't receive attention from the opposite gender? Why?

I regard marriage highly, so these questions were not designed to make you feel as if wanting to be married is negative. I also regard singleness highly, so these questions were not designed to make you feel as if being single is negative.

Please let me know if you need any clarification or would like me to elaborate on how I went through these exercises myself. Have a good weekend.

[95. stuart said the following at 4:54 AM on Jul 8:]

95

Imagine you're 37 and never had a date - can't seem to meet anyone who is interested, and then tell me about faith. Sorry, but the wait has just about killed my faith (not to mention self esteem, confidence etc).Resigned to being single for the rest of my life? Why would I be thinking otherwise?
Week after week after year after year and still nothing...

[96. Rachael said the following at 8:59 AM on Jul 8:]

96

Stuart,

Not sure if marriage is what God has in store for you or not, but, if there is someone, imagine what you can bring to the table. Maturity and molding has most likely accompanied your years. I'm dating someone who is 37 (& I'll be 28 this month), and I'm glad he's still available. I think that's cool that you haven't had a date. Imagine, if you do date one day, how excited the girl would be that she would be the first one, especially if she is the one you marry. I think that would be SO cool to date only one person. I wish my future husband would be my only date--I haven't dated/hung out with many and only one of those was a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but, I can't change the past. I wish it always worked that way where there is only one person you ever date and marry, but somehow it doesn't usually work that way...but how cool if it does!

[97. brx said the following at 1:59 PM on Jul 8:]

97

Hey Stuart,

I could be off in interpreting your comment, but incase I'm on, I'll mention it. I was thinking it can be very helpful to seek out a few older, wiser, married couples who seem to be mature in their Christian faith and ask them to be mentors/life-coaches - and not merely in the relationship area. This takes much humility before others and trust in God to grow us through the trials.

Just a thought, and if it helps, great.

Grace, peace, adventure, and a deep security in Christ