New Distinct Life Stage?
by
Steve Watters
on Jan 10, 2008 at 8:35 AM
"If You Want Me to Treat You Like an Adult, Start Acting Like One!." That's the name of a new study to be published in the Journal of Family Psychology.
It reflects the way parents see their 18- to 25-year-old sons and daughters these days -- and how many of their children see themselves.
An article about the study done by three BYU professor found that "80 percent of parents do not consider their 18-25 year-old college students to be adults" and added "The students agree."
The article continues:
The time period for which parents are responsible for their children is lengthening and parents have new expectations for their children once they reach their 20s.
The study shows evidence that a distinct life stage has emerged between adolescence and adulthood. Larry Nelson, associate professor in the school of family life, and lead author in the study refers to students in this stage as "emerging adults."
"The message parents are sending to their kids is "You may be 18 but that doesn't magically make you an adult. There are things you first need to develop and that hasn't happened yet," Nelson said. "It's not that their kids refuse to grow up, it's that they are still in the process of doing that."
While BYU capped the transitional age range at 25, 30 is the other key age often cited. Comments such as "30 is the new 20" (in the context of maturity) motivated me to write a Boundless article earlier called "Adult Before 30?" that specifically focused on how guys have been underestimated by culture:
Expectations are at an all time low. But what changed? Is it no longer possible for guys to become adults during their 20s? ... A 20 year-old man is at the same level of biological maturity that 20 year-olds were generations before.
"By 20, most of the mental and bodily characteristics that have been evolving in the pre-adult years are at or near their peak levels," wrote Daniel Levinson in his classic book from the 1970s, The Seasons of a Man's Life. Levinson marked the period from 17 to 22 as the age that men move from adolescence into adulthood.
But despite reaching their peak of physical development and having the capacity for the demands of adulthood, guys for some reason still aren't making the transition.
Cultural changes can put hurdles in the paths of new generations -- making it more challenging for them to move to the next level of maturity. Then again, cultural change can also give people a pass on taking on the responsibilities of the next stage of life while being free to primarily enjoy the benefits of where they are.
Which change do you think is driving this new stage of development?
1. Louise had the following to say on Jan 10 at 8:53 AM:
I agree with Mr. Levinson, by age 22 both males and females should have transitioned into full adulthood.
I consider the years 18-20 to be the "adult in training" years...ie the transitional years.
Some people may need an extra year or two to make that transition, but by the early twenties, all should have "transitioned."
BTW, I myself am in my early 40s.
2. JJ had the following to say on Jan 10 at 9:55 AM:
Another element I believe is the cost of living - which (depending on your location) has skyrocketed past inflation over the last several decades. If you're fortunate enough to marry at a young age and have two incomes than it's fine, but for those of us who are single it can be pretty tough. And it's not about just being more responsible with your money or living within your means - the divide is growing and will keep growing between those who can afford to own and those who will be renters for life.
3. Jo had the following to say on Jan 10 at 10:05 AM:
If parents don't treat their 18-25 year olds as adults, they won't grow up. Examples: bailing them out of debts, moaning at them when they're out late.
When I was 22 I was out 'til about 3am one night helping a friend with a college project. This was a one-off, not something I did a lot. My dad shouted at me down the phone about how I shouldn't still be out, and yelled at me again when I got home. My complaint? "I'm an adult, Dad." His reply? "Then start acting like one." My parents were pretty good overall, but in that instance it was him, not me, stifling my growing up.
In my opinion, once a person is 18/20 you need to treat them like an adult whether they act like one or not. Give them freedom and let them see the consequences of their actions. Of course there are times when they might need your support with advice and even finances, and there are rules you'd have for anyone living under your roof, children and adults alike. As a general rule though, I'd say: if you wouldn't do it if they were 35, then don't do it when they're 20.
4. a sassy sister had the following to say on Jan 10 at 10:09 AM:
I agree with Louise. I think the problem lies in parenting and our ideas about growing up. Many times parents are not letting their children face any sort of adversity and at the same time not teaching them how to deal with problems and conflict in life. I also believe that in many instances because the parents are not being responsible mature adults themselves, the children follow by the experiences and examples of their parents. But ultimately, the responsibility lies with the individual. It's one thing to talk about the level of influence culture has on our current generation's level of maturity. It is quite another to say that it is overriding REASON for a demographic's choices.
5. Adam T. had the following to say on Jan 10 at 10:22 AM:
I really, really wonder whether it's possible to raise your children in a way that helps them avoid this prolongation of adolescence. I'd like to raise mine that way. I wish I had been raised that way and become an adult when I should have.
6. Leah H had the following to say on Jan 10 at 10:23 AM:
JJ -
As someone who has been married, you would think that having two incomes makes things easier financially, but it doesn't. And Uncle Sam takes more of your hard earned income for taxes.
7. J.T. had the following to say on Jan 10 at 10:27 AM:
I think that with more people going to college has something to do with it. (F.Y.I - I am a junior in college) On my first day of freshman orientation my "group leader" told us all that at college you can get away with absurdly immature behavior without any consequences, so enjoy it while it lasts. I think that kind of mentality hurts the maturation of young people, especially in college.
8. Derek Wong had the following to say on Jan 10 at 10:39 AM:
I'd definitely have to agree with JJ. I think that this whole deal with boomerang children (sending them off to college and having them come right back) has been in no small part due to the divide between starting incomes and living expenses. Here in California anyways, that's definitely been a part of why I, as a single guy in my 20s, am at home. I want to buy a house rather than rent and prolong the process of saving up to buy one.
Still, good points are made, and I am thankful that I feel like it's not something new that I haven't thought about.
9. Charles had the following to say on Jan 10 at 10:46 AM:
I'm 27 and I just now feel like I am an adult. This is despite the fact that I've been living and working on my own for the past five years.
I've just finished a course on marriage and family development and much of my research for the course was related to this issue. It is incredibly fascinating to me to see expectations for development that have changes just in the last decade. Some of it I believe is owed to the economic prosperity that we've seen in the last decade. When I was younger there was a recession going on and I knew what it was to have to put food back on the shelf when we couldn't afford it. Now I defy you to find a 12-17 year old who doesn't have on designer jeans, at least $50 in there wallet and a cell phone in their back pocket.
Over the last couple of years I've had to persevere through some hard times and it is my firm belief that it is those times of testing that promote the maturation process.
Also, a lot of decsions that carried a great deal of consequences have had those consequences delayed or removed. For example, pre-marital sex.
I believe that the ultimate problem is that our society is making it to easy for kids NOT to grow up and mature.
But then again we could be seeing a major sociological shift in society and the emergence of a new transitional phase of life.
10. Justin had the following to say on Jan 10 at 11:18 AM:
I'm 30 years old, and I don't consider myself an adult.
11. Daniel from the Maritimes had the following to say on Jan 10 at 11:55 AM:
The movie Amazing Grace brings out the fact that William Pitt and William Wilberforce had become influential politicians by their mid-twenties.
So extended adolescence definitely isn't necessary.
12. Kit had the following to say on Jan 10 at 11:57 AM:
The word adulthood is elusive. What do you mean, exactly? Living on your own? Paying your own bills? Or having Christian maturity?
13. Louise had the following to say on Jan 10 at 11:59 AM:
Leah H., please explain how in your marriage situation (I am making an assumption of course, please let me know if it is incorrect) having two incomes rather than one income "did not make things easier financially."
Are you referring to the cost of child care?
I have been married too, BTW.
Thank you for any explantion you may give. I am very curious.
14. Carrie (the original) had the following to say on Jan 10 at 12:27 PM:
I am almost halfway between 26 and 27. I finally feel as if I am "growing up". I thought that attaining a college degree would do the trick. I thought that getting caught up on my bills would be the next step. I finally got caught up on my bills early last year.
I rent a room from a family and it is very much a cooperative living situation. So, technically, even though I pay rent every month, I'm not "living on my own".
I don't think maturity and being "independent" are not as connected as people think they are. As Christians we aren't "independent" and we shouldn't strive to be such a thing. We should strive for a harmonious community.
Most of my church family lives within 10 miles of the church. This morning my car broke down a few miles away from my house (just south of my church). There was a neighbor/church member right behind me. He gave me a lift to his parents house and his parents lent me their car for the day while mine is getting repaired.
This is what the body of Christ is about.
Being financially independent only aides you in your service to Christ. It's not a requirement, but it makes everyone else's life much easier.
15. Nicole had the following to say on Jan 10 at 12:34 PM:
I work for a college. I just had a new graduate student come in and register for classes for an MBA program. She had to call her parents to make sure it was ok. Her parents were paying for it.
Why, at the age of 23 does she have to check with her parents and why are they still paying? I've even heard of parents grouding their kids over the age 19, and giving them curfews when they are home from college. I think there is that transitional time where parents still have their kids at home (during college,summers, etc), and still treat them as kids, rather than adults. This is just something I've seen in my own experience.
16. Thea had the following to say on Jan 10 at 1:31 PM:
I think that the reason that young adults are still regarded as kids is because of the family is able to financially support them.
Long story story short, in previous generations younger adults had to make their own way because they had no alternatives after the cost of helping them became greater than their contributions to the family.
17. Emily had the following to say on Jan 10 at 2:37 PM:
In my mind, responsibility should be gradually taught in the home. For example, when I was in high school, I worked part time and learned about budgeting and spending money wisely. When you have the opportunity to gain independence in areas of your life with gradually fading support from parents/guardians, it will make for a much easier transition towards handling adult life responsibilities. However, adulthood, in my mind, is not only about being able to make payments on time. Maturity defines adulthood.
I also believe that there is a difference in maturity level between people in their late teens/early twenties and mid twenties/early thirties. While I was able to function independently by paying bills and taking care of myself, my sense of self and my sense of purpose was still pliable. When I left certain churches and legalisms, I knew that I was taking a step towards maturity. I didn't need to rely on cultural traditions to guide me.
Maturity, in my opinion, is not just about having a mortgage, a job, a spouse and 2.5 kids. Maturity is about understanding your authentic self and being secure in who you are. Furthermore, maturity for the believer is about being secure in who Christ, not others say you are.
18. Carrie (the original) had the following to say on Jan 10 at 2:48 PM:
typo in one of my sentences 1st sentence 3rd paragraph should read "I don't think 'idependence' and maturity are as connected as people think they are."
19. Tim had the following to say on Jan 10 at 3:49 PM:
I am 22 and married living in L.A. All of my coworkers are 20-24 and still living with their parents, making the same amount of money as me, but with a much greater disposable income. There has to be some sort of enabling going on here. As long as people can live off their parents, why not? People tend to want to take all the benefits with none of the responsibility, if at all possible. And if they're not Christian or have no reason to do otherwise, I don't think we can expect anything else, sadly.
20. Kellie had the following to say on Jan 10 at 4:39 PM:
A few generations ago, it was perfectly acceptable for several generations to live together. Why should moving out on your own at 18 be a sign of maturity? My cousins moved out at 18 to party. I lived at home until I was 24. A few years later I have my degree, I'm married, own a house, and have a child on the way. My cousins are still struggling to finish school.
21. anu had the following to say on Jan 10 at 4:43 PM:
If people are living about a decade longer than they used to, maybe it makes sense for the responsibilities of adulthood (marriage, steady job, etc) to be postponed? In the end you end up being self-sufficient for the same number of years as the generations past.
22. skp had the following to say on Jan 10 at 5:55 PM:
Looking back I think I went through a big change in maturity between 20 and 22. But I think throughout my twenties I still matured but at a slower rate. I was an "adult" at the age of 22 when I graduated college, lived alone and paid my own bills. But I was a different adult at age 28 when I had kids.
23. Leah H had the following to say on Jan 10 at 5:58 PM:
Louise-
The impression I got from reading JJ's post was that people who marry young and therefore have two incomes somehow have it easier than those who are single and only have one income. In my experience, that was not the case and child care had nothing to do with it as we had no children.
24. Charles had the following to say on Jan 10 at 8:18 PM:
Emily, when you said your sense of self and sense of purpose were still pliable I think you hit the nail on the head. In my early twenties I was unsure of what I wanted or where I was REALLY going in life. Now on my backside of my twenties I know who I am and I'm confident I know where God is calling me. I feel firm and less pliable. It's scary to say, but I think I'm looking forward to my 30's because I know I'm only going to become more mature and stable with the passage of time. Adulthood is cool! Who knew?!
25. Jacob MT had the following to say on Jan 10 at 8:41 PM:
I am 16, basically finishing high school in 3 years (I'm homeschooled). I hope to be able to call myself an adult by the time I'm 17. Not that I will be independent, but mature and able to work.
I realize that most people will not consider me such, just a "very mature teenager." I personally don't care. (Yes, I'm a rebelutionary.)
I plan to go to college and get married in the years after that, although I probably will stay at home (assuming my wife doesn't mind!) I intend to either have a salaried job, or earn a living myself.
I might just be a kid with crazy ambitions, but we will see!
26. Joy had the following to say on Jan 10 at 8:53 PM:
I'm 29, have been working as a teacher for 7 years, and own my own home. However, I still don't consider myself an "adult." I feel like I'll move into that category when I get married. Until then, I feel like I'm forced to be half-kid/half-adult.
27. Jo had the following to say on Jan 11 at 2:00 AM:
Tim -
Don't assume that all those living at home are using their larger 'disposable income' for trivial things. I lived at home 'til I was 23, paid rent to my parents (admittedly less than I am paying now) and saved a large proportion of what I earned, which enabled me to later move out. Many people don't bother to save at all, but don't assume that's the case for everyone you know.
28. Jo had the following to say on Jan 11 at 2:10 AM:
Again, culture comes into this a lot as well. We tend to view moving out and supporting ourselves as 'maturing', but only because that's our culture's expectation.
I've just stayed with a friend's family in Poland, she is 28 and her brother is 24, they both still live in the family home - this is normal until people get married partly because the economic situation means people LITERALLY can't afford to live alone and partly because the culture is far more family orientated. In Poland, a steady job often means coming to England or another European country for work, especially if they have ambitions to be able to support themselves financially. But all this happens later anyway, since they don't finish school 'til age 20 and uni is 5 more years after that.
What we're talking about here is a confusing mixture of Biblical maturity and cultural maturity. In reality everyone is different and everyone's family and financial situations are different. I think we should be very careful about applying particular landmarks to maturity (moving out, steady job, getting married) because Biblical maturity can't be measured by these things, and becomes apparent instead through the choices someone makes on a daily basis in the particular situation they are in.
29. NeedACatchyName had the following to say on Jan 11 at 9:29 AM:
Kit is right. If you asked 100 people (Family Feud style, of course) what defines "being an adult," you'd get quite a few different responses. Generally speaking, I think you'd get a combination of these responses, roughly in this order:
1) Financial independence from your parents. "Moving out" is a subset of this, but you can still move out and be financially dependent on your parents, and I think that most people would say that financial independence is more a sign of maturity than merely moving away from home.
2) Graduating college.
3) Getting your first "real job," though this ties into the idea of financial independence.
4) Reaching some nebulous definition of "being a mature person."
5) Marriage--I have heard the argument that you're not truly an adult unless you are married or have been married. This seems to be applied to guys more than girls, with the reasoning that as initiators, they are in more of a position to do something about this one.
6) Reach a certain age.
Most people would actually probably use a combination of these criteria to define adulthood. Also, I should state that I don't necessarily agree that all of the above bullet-points are valid criteria for defining adulthood. What I am saying, however, is that without know what sort of criteria that the survey used to define adulthood, it's hard to draw too many meaningful conclusions from this survey. Heck, the article even stated that there are "disagreements among generations about what it takes to be considered an adult." I think I would like to see a more detailed survey that states more specific reasons as to why parents don't think their children are truly adults.
30. Andrea (aka Elena) had the following to say on Jan 11 at 10:05 AM:
I had lived at home during college, to reduce the cost of my education, and commuted daily. After that, it was fear that kept me from "independence." (Independence in the sense of truly being an adult and taking responsibility for decisions in my life...not in the sense of doing life entirely on my own and having a "gosh-darn-it, I don't need anyone!!" type of attitude. Goodness, no! I believe in interdependence. *smile*)
For me, the transition occurred in four segments: (1) in 2000 finally learning to drive at age 24 [which took conquering fear], (2) in 2001 purchasing my first car at age 25, (3) in fall of 2001 moving out of my parents' home into an apartment with three gal roommates (my sister plus two gals we had met in our single Sunday School class at church), and (4) moving to an apartment by myself in 2003. These changes had far less to do with society's measurements of maturing than what these steps meant for me personally, since each required a leap of faith (as I had been so bound up by fear)---a theme which repeats over and over (blessedly so!) in my spiritual journey with Christ.
I don't think it was any coincidence that I also made a change in church membership in 2001, from a tiny church with no young adult ministry to a large church with a solid infrastructure and a vibrant young adult singles ministry (in addition to vibrant ministry to marrieds of all ages). God effected so many changes in me over the course of the second half of my 20s, mainly through experiences connected to my beloved church! (My personality is naturally resistant to change, so it is no surprise to anyone who knows me well that I have been a "late-blooming rose," to borrow from a Nanci Griffith song.)
Although I do not have the "usual accessories" (for lack of a more apt term) of a 30-something---husband and children---I believe that now I am fitter to be a wife and mother than I was in my 20s, at least mentally, socially, and spiritually. God has taught and shown me so many things over the past 10+ years of being a Christian. I am glad to be thus far equipped to pour into the lives of my future husband and children.
Societal trends are interesting to study, but the statistics do not tell each person's story... why his or her maturing occurred speedily or slowly.
Thank you, everyone, for telling us your stories! =D
31. Carrie (the original) had the following to say on Jan 11 at 10:54 AM:
I think being an adult means that you are able to and actually buy a leather couch.
32. Christina had the following to say on Jan 11 at 11:21 AM:
It seems to me that people are classifying themselves as adult based on feelings (I "FEEL" like an adult or I don't "FEEL" like an adult).
Being an adult has little to do with feelings.
Dictionary.com defines Adult as a person who is fully grown or developed or of age OR a person who has attained the age of maturity as specified by law. By these definitions, age 18 is "emerging" adult, as he is legal to go to war, smoke, vote, and make legal decisions on his own and age 21 is adult where you can now drink and legally be responsible for a minor.
I think that you can be classified an "adult" when you are capable of making your own decisions independent of your parents and are willing to handle and capable of handling the consequences of those decisions. And this is regardless of whether you feel like an adult.
I don't feel like an adult myself, but at age 24, I live on my own, I pay my bills, I decide whether to go to work or not, and I suffer the consequences of not buying my groceries, overdue bills, failing to show up to work. I AM an adult. Even if no one is depending on me.
33. DannieA had the following to say on Jan 11 at 2:42 PM:
I believe that being an adult is determined by your age, but actually acting like an adult is:
Making decisions and living by the consequences of them regardless of what other people think of you or what culture says...
I had to make a big decision last April. After being out on my own for a while, I realized that I would never be able to buy as house (modest small house) if I still had to pay debt for my student loans. After planning, budgeting, and weighing pros and cons (including what people in our society would think) I moved back in with my parents in order to expedite paying my loans. I will be done with my student loan debt by June or July.
Yes I know what people say about people in their late 20s living with parents, but I made my decision based on where I saw myself and where I wanted to be in a few years.
So a person can live anywhere and be financially and ethically/morally responsible....and they can do all these things living on their own.
A person can live on their own or in their parents house and still extend their adolescance.
34. Emily had the following to say on Jan 12 at 6:20 PM:
Charles, I am very happy for you. I am glad that you feel secure in who you are. It is very easy to allow the world (the yoke of Christian culture is included) to pressure you into becoming something you are not and making decisions that hamper you from becoming authentic in your faith. I am also in my late twenties and I am definitely looking forward to entering my third decade.
35. Leah had the following to say on Jan 13 at 8:46 AM:
I agree with Jo.
As a just-turned-20-year-old and about to get married in May, it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Like, what makes an adult? I don't yet have my licence (I simply wasn't interested as a teenager and didn't need it for uni- I live 1km from uni) and have never been employed (though I have done volunteer work). I simply didn't need the extra money. I was content with what I got from my parents for doing housecleaning, and was content with concentrating on my studies and putting effort into serving at church, rather than being asked to work Sundays or Friday nights (when I'd otherwise be at youthgroup, as a teenager, or at kids' club, now that I'm a leader).
But I use what money I do have wisely (hehe and don't get me wrong, now that I'm finished uni I'm definitely looking for a job!), I do serve at church and am responsible enough to be left in charge of a group of kids, my parents deem me ready to be married, I can cook, clean, wash... what does dictate what an adult is? I can quite readily concede I may not yet be considered a full adult, and that's ok by me. I'm sure that by the year is out, though, I will be, and I don't think my parents will have a problem with that.
36. Mariana had the following to say on Jan 15 at 4:44 AM:
Here in Brazil it has been the norm, rather than the exception, that we live with our parents until late in our 20's (sometimes into our 30's). My parent's generation was the last one to be able to afford getting married young and moving out soon.
Life is hard, incomes are low and the cost of living is very high. If your life takes a downturn, extreme poverty is a real possibility.
I'm 28 and I left my parents house at 26, when I got married. I was very, very lucky that my husband has a good job and can support us. I have 10 years experience in teaching, and more credentials than the average teacher in my country. I work 30 hours a week, and if I were to live alone, I would not be able to support myself.
It's not that we don't want to grow up, it's just that we can't afford to move out. We are not lazy or imature, we are just broke.
My point is, the changes in American society can be a result of economics and not only of poor parenting or general lazyness.