My Dearest Sir ...
by Tom Neven on 01/28/2008 at 3:53 PM
An actual e-mail I received from "Robert Mueller III, Director of the FBI," exactly as I received it:
We believe this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United States of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favour accordingly.
It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay. Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their activities with you as well as your correspondence at all level.
In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim.
They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous elements are using this project as an avenue to Scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office.
[blah blah blah, huge sums of money, blah blah blah]
Should in case you need any more information in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as well are here to guide you during and after this project has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated.
Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.
Best Regards,
ROBERT SWAN MUELLER III
My response:
Dear Director Mueller:
Many thanks for your kind e-mail. I'm pleased that the FBI is concerned with my present state of mind and health. This greeting works so much better than crashing through doors shouting, "Hands up!" And I'm pleased to see that you're taking some time out of your hunt for Osama bin Laden and other baddies to look into my personal banking transactions. It's such a pleasure to see my tax dollars so well spent.
At first I was suspicious of your return e-mail address. It wasn't the standard fbi.gov address, but I think I understand. You're using a special e-mail address to avoid being spammed by al Qaeda. I mean, who needs an inbox full of e-mails that all start with "Dear Infidel Running Dog …" and the like? I'm pleased that the FBI is being so smart about these things -- another good use of my tax money. Don't worry: your secret is safe with me!
I'm guessing you're being deliberately vague about those "other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United States of America" for the same reason. I'm sure they all have super-double-top-secret classification, so why should a peon such as myself know exactly who they are. You can never be too careful.
Thanks for the good news about my pending transaction with the Central Bank of Nigeria. I'm pleased to hear that it is "100% genuine and hitch free from all facet." There's nothing more annoying than a facet holding up a transaction with an institution that is otherwise a paragon of virtue and trustworthiness such as the Central Bank of Nigeria. And if Chukwuma Soludo is who I think he is, we were good beer-drinking buddies back in the day. Boy, could he knock 'em back! Get a few beers in him and he'd tell these amazing stories about gullible Americans. He's such a kidder, that Chukwuma! But I digress. If he's today anything like he was back then, I'm sure my impending riches are truly in safe hands.
Oh, and thanks for the warning about Scams. (Capitalized, no less! I'm guessing those are worse than your garden-variety scams.) Who'd have guessed it? After all, I'm dealing with the Central Bank of Nigeria! They're the Gibraltar of the banking world! What's the world coming to if you can't trust a financier from Nigeria? The Swiss got nothing on them!
Which is all to say, I'm looking forward to my transaction being "completely perfected." I already have a nice, fire-engine-red Porsche all picked out. Thanks!
Warmly,
Tom Neven
PS. I noticed you've adopted British spelling, including all those superfluous u's. Good for you! I've always said you can never have too many u's. (In fact, my use of superfluous was an opportunity to max out this most excellent of letters.) Thanks again!
1. Tami said the following at 4:06 PM on Jan 28:
I got something like this, addressed to me, *in the mail*. It was creepy. I was a little worried I'd need to invest in some Cipro in the next few days.
Someone else I know got a similar (print) letter from "a long lost relative" in Trinidad and Tobago. The author of that one was equally fluent in English. And it had a lovely "official" seal on it! (Never mind that it was printed with an inkjet printer.)
2. Andrew R. (aka Canadian Boy) said the following at 5:45 PM on Jan 28:
Wow.
That's hilarious.
3. Lee McKusick said the following at 6:11 PM on Jan 28:
You realize of course that you've just let them know that yours is indeed a valid e-mail address...
That aside, nice reply. =)
4. Andrew said the following at 6:27 PM on Jan 28:
British spelling is awesome!
5. Al said the following at 7:37 PM on Jan 28:
Why do all of these reference Nigeria? You'd think they'd switch up the country after awhile since Nigeria=Scam to anyone who's ever been on the internet. Instead they craft a lengthy letter posing as the FBI in a somewhat novel approach while keeping the dead giveaway. Odd.
6. Shawn said the following at 8:04 PM on Jan 28:
LOL What a riot, I've got to go tell everyone about this post now!
7. Jenny said the following at 8:09 PM on Jan 28:
Oh, I love it!
8. Adam D said the following at 9:11 PM on Jan 28:
Awesome comeback e-mail. Now if only those scammers worked that hard at real jobs, maybe they'd be making more money?
9. BB said the following at 11:46 PM on Jan 28:
very funny but now they know your email address is an active one.
I'm hoping you only posted your response on the blog and not to them since that is a good way to get on every spam engine available.
If you really want to do something about it, the government has a fraud address you could forward the email to but aside from that, it's best to just forget it.
10. BB said the following at 11:59 PM on Jan 28:
Rules to follow to avoid spam
1) when you sign up for something have a junk email address
2) when you order something, have an email address for that
3) have a separate email from the previous two used only for communication.
4) if you like getting news letters, unless it is a reputable company, send those "wanted spam" to your online purchase email address as those who send these newsletters will often sell their email list or are easily hacked to download that list. If you believe them to be a reputable company, check the fine print and it will say "We will not sell your information" type of clause in it.
5) never respond to spam as some spam's goal isn't to sell you anything but to see if your email is active.
6) never click on a link but always copy and paste because i could mask a link to http://www.realultimatepower.net/ and make it look like you would be clicking on http://www.boundlessline.org.
7) Anyone claiming to be authorities and asking you to respond to them, always do a quick google search for their official page (example: fbi.gov for the FBI) and get contact info from there.
Much more but 7 is a good number to start with.
11. TN1 said the following at 7:19 AM on Jan 29:
That would be very thrilling to me, to get a letter from the supposed "director of the FBI," because I am a huge fan of THE X-FILES!
12. Carrie (the original) said the following at 7:41 AM on Jan 29:
I think my favo(u)rite parts of the original e-mail are:
"Federal bureau of investigation" and
". . . Global intelligence monitoring network"
I'm glad they were so concerned about assuring you that this isn't a fraud that they didn't bother with proper capitalization.
13. Tom Neven said the following at 10:24 AM on Jan 29:
For the record, I didn't actually send this response. As several people pointed out, that's the fastest way to put a "please spam me" beacon on your e-mail address.
I was unaware of the hidden link thing, though, so thanks for the good advice, BB.
14. Dolores said the following at 1:28 PM on Jan 29:
I hate it when the government does stuff like that...
:-P
15. Maria said the following at 3:47 PM on Jan 29:
Chukwuma Soludo! That's not a name, that's a bad scrabble hand.
16. Brian said the following at 8:02 PM on Jan 31:
haha.. That's great
It reminds of the time my brother got a phishing email to "Bank of America" asking him to verify his password and id.
He went to the site, put in
username: gulliblecustomer
password: gotohe**