All You Need is Algorithms?
by Candice Watters on 01/31/2008 at 5:34 PM
Online dating services may be getting too big for their britches. Not content to spotlight the things they do relatively well (i.e., introduce users to a large pool of potentially like-minded single men and women ) they make wild claims of being able to help you find "your soul mate," "the perfect love you were born to meet," "satisfying marriage" and more. But not only that. They now claim, in view of their moderate success, that they can do so better than anyone else. The reason: scientific algorithms.
A New York Times story Tuesday described it this way:
Once upon a time, finding a mate was considered too important to be entrusted to people under the influence of raging hormones. Their parents, sometimes assisted by astrologers and matchmakers, supervised courtship until customs changed in the West because of what was called the Romeo and Juliet revolution. Grown-ups, leave the kids alone.
But now some social scientists have rediscovered the appeal of adult supervision — provided the adults have doctorates and vast caches of psychometric data. Online matchmaking has become a boom industry as rival scientists test their algorithms for finding love.
The leading yenta is eHarmony, which pioneered the don't-try-this-yourself approach eight years ago by refusing to let its online customers browse for their own dates. It requires them to answer a 258-question personality test and then picks potential partners. The company estimates, based on a national Harris survey it commissioned, that its matchmaking was responsible for about 2 percent of the marriages in America last year, nearly 120 weddings a day.
Wow. Two percent of marriages are thanks to eHarmony. Sounds impressive till you realize their conversion rate is only around 3 percent. Yes, three percent of 12 million is a lot of people. But the number they don't spotlight is even bigger number: the 97 percent for whom eHarmony fails.
Aside from the one eHarmony marriage I know of personally, my single friends have all been part of the 11.6 million members who've experienced months of repeated -- and expensive -- frustration; with little, if anything, to show for it. (That is, unless you consider months of go-nowhere phone calls and meetings something.)
For all its bravado about results, eHarmony's methods remain veiled in unreviewed mystery. The story reports,
As the matchmakers compete for customers — and denigrate each other's methodology — the battle has intrigued academic researchers who study the mating game. ... So far, except for a presentation at a psychologists' conference, the company has not produced much scientific evidence that its system works. It has started a longitudinal study comparing eHarmony couples with a control group, and Dr. Buckwalter says it is committed to publishing peer-reviewed research, but not the details of its algorithm. That secrecy may be a smart business move, but it makes eHarmony a target for scientific critics, not to mention its rivals.
Until outside scientists have a good look at the numbers, no one can know how effective any of these algorithms are, but one thing is already clear. People aren't so good at picking their own mates online. Researchers who studied online dating found that the customers typically ended up going out with fewer than 1 percent of the people whose profiles they studied, and that those dates often ended up being huge letdowns.
So where does that leave the 97 percent for whom the leader in online dating was unable to help? I think the secret lies with the people who used to be a big part of this process. The people so quickly dismissed by the NYT, eHarmony and large segments of our culture: parents and matchmakers (forget the astrologers). The happiest matches are still those that began with an introduction by someone the couple knew, who also knew them. And it's that first-hand knowledge that no algorithm, no matter how fancy, will ever be able to mimic.
1. Frank said the following at 6:28 PM on Jan 31:
I had the great pleasure of hearing the author of Supercrunchers talk about the this kind of thing. And my sense was that if applied correct, scientific algorithms and computer analysis is powerful indeed; it works.
And I can see why the world is moving in that way. The business world is on with computer analysis because it works and translates into profits. Ministry is starting to go in that way (e.g.: Willow Creek's Reveal project). And now with love and marriage.
2. Kellie said the following at 6:36 PM on Jan 31:
"The happiest matches are still those that began with an introduction by someone the couple knew, who also knew them."
Is that statement based on research or personal observation?
3. Jennifer E. Jones said the following at 8:10 PM on Jan 31:
I want to change the channel when I see those E-Harmony commercials. First of all, it has ruined a perfectly good song by Natalie Cole ("Everlasting Love"). Secondly, it's so horrid to prey on the deepest desires of lonely singles by showcasing its shockingly low success rate.
On another note, most of the couples I know met through mutual friends. Only a fraction met at school or church and even less than that (maybe one or two people) met through that magical, movie-esque random meeting on the street.
It's not scientific, but it's obvious enough that finding yourself a good match-maker should be a serious option to consider.
4. Tami said the following at 9:42 PM on Jan 31:
Amen. eHarmony's claims of "we have your soul mate, and if you don't join us (and pay for our services) you'll MISS HIM!!!" are outrageous.
I'm happy for those it's worked for. But it's not for me. As I've said multiple times: Why pay someone to do what I'm already doing for free, with the probability of achieving the same results?
"Real" yentas are different. I think that's actually a pretty cool job.
Friend "set ups" aren't always successful, but they're certainly cool when they are!
On the other hand, matches "on paper" have been the absolute least successful of any I've had.
PS Thanks for being one of the few Christian singles-oriented sites not to have eHarmony all over it.
5. Shauna said the following at 9:52 PM on Jan 31:
I think there is a real market out there right now for matchmakers, people who get to know their clients and match them with others that they know. I know that if I were able I would try it- my biggest difficulty is in finding Christian single guys to meet. Where are they hiding??? I can think of one that I know, and I've already dated him. I've looked into a local matchmaking service and found that they charge $1500 to guarantee you 14 dates in the space of a year. If there were more people out there doing this service, the price would go down, and a lot of busy singles would sign up, I am sure! What does everyone else think?
6. Bob said the following at 10:52 PM on Jan 31:
Some of your comments are interesting, but I can't help but point out the irony of your leveraging so much of your article on an enormous base-rate fallacy of your own. To say that a 3% "success rate" among eHarmony users = a 97% failure rate is assuming that 100% of non-eHarmony users who WANT to get married during the same period of subscription actually DO. What you SHOULD be comparing the 3% success rate to is the rate at which non eHarmony users actually DO get married. I think I read somewhere that eHarmony's "average" user is about 35 years old. Assuming that the average length of membership at eHarmony is 1 month (I have no idea, but since they are so expensive, let's just guess that the minimum membership is the average). So, how many of the single 35 year-olds that you know who want to get married are successful at MEETING (not marrying, of course, but just MEETING) the person that they are going to marry in a given month. Do you have ANY idea? Last time I saw someone writing about this in the popular media, it was TIME magazine creating a cultural s#@t storm by saying that 30+ year old women had a better chance of getting hit by a METEOR than they did of finding a husband.
Oh, and BTW: Yenta is yiddish for old woman, and has been Americanized to mean a gossipy woman... but it is NOT a matchcmaker. A shadkahn is a matchmaker. You'd think a New York based newspaper would have THAT on figured out. Oy.
7. BDB said the following at 1:01 AM on Feb 1:
Shauna wrote:
>>I've looked into a local matchmaking service and found that they charge $1500 to guarantee you 14 dates in the space of a year. <<
Hey, I hadn't thought of that...
For that amount of money, I can host six fundraising BBQs in my back yard for missionaries I know. And let them invite like-minded women...
8. Mark said the following at 5:01 AM on Feb 1:
I find eHarmony's commercials to be gag-inducing.
That being said, I think there is a place for the services that they offer. I'm 32 which means that a lot of the women in the age range that I'm pursuing are currently married or are in the process of getting there. I've also moved around from state to state several times over the last few years and work in the engineering field which tends to be male-dominated. Prior to that I spent 10 years in engineering schools and departments in some sparsely populated states. All told, I haven't always been where the women are.
Since signing on to eHarmony, I've had a few first dates and zero second dates. I guess this is a 0% "conversion rate." However, when you contrast that to my 0% conversion rate from dating women that were set-ups, met at church, school, etc., it doesn't look that much different.
Let's say I go to a young adult Bible study (which holds some promise because I'm in a large metropolitan area now) and there are 10 women there. Chances are that at least four will be either married or dating another guy. Of the remaining six, I might be interested in three. No more than two of those women might be interested in me, and I could end up going on a date with one of them.
Compare that to online dating: Let's say I get 10 "matches" sent to me. Probably seven won't hold that much interest for me. I might start communicating with three, hear back from one and might end up on a date with her.
I'm not really in a position to rule out any options at this stage in the game. God is mighty enough to work through any medium. Based on the way society changes, saying that "X method worked in the past and will, therefore, always work" is a little too presumptuous for me.
Personally, I'm still holding out for the parent-brokered arranged marriage, but I doubt that mom and dad will find too many women willing to go along with that plan.
Peace,
Mark
9. Carrie (the original) said the following at 7:25 AM on Feb 1:
You know, Boundless editors, you could have a "matchmaking" booth at the New Attitude conference. Those of us that post here frequently and go to the New Attitude conference could have a chance to meet each other in person.
Eventhough conferences like that aren't my thing, I'm actually considering going this year just to get outta Dodge for a few days.
Maybe you get a few of us regular, single posters to attend if you were to offer something like that.
10. Candice Watters said the following at 8:34 AM on Feb 1:
Bob, good point about the stats. Of course, you're right that not everyone who wants to get married meets their match when they want to. Still, a 3 percent conversion rate is pretty low given the volume of eHarmony's ads about success rates. They blow their own horn but the quiet undertone is "buyer beware." It's an expensive proposition based on the perception that they have some magic formula for success you simply can't replicate without them. It's "Madison Avenue" at its finest.
Note: I suspect the NYT is aware of the popular misconception that Yenta means matchmaker and was just playing on that. After Topol made it a household word in Fiddler on the Roof, there was no going back. (And naming that cute, huddled woman "Shadchan" just wouldn't have been as catchy.)
11. Laura said the following at 8:34 AM on Feb 1:
I find this interesting because I actually just signed up for eharmony, although I admit I am not 100% sure how I feel about it yet. The reason I am trying it is because I'm not meeting single Christian men otherwise. In fact, there was an article in our local newspaper not long ago about the lack of singles in my area (Christian or not). I think we have to be careful about what CS Lewis refers to as "chronological snobbery," but in terms of thinking about the future. It's obvious and clear to everyone that dating trends and just how people go about getting married is constantly changing. So why not give it a chance? I agree with Mark - my success rate in other avenues of dating has been pretty low as well. I guess we'll see!
12. Maggie said the following at 8:36 AM on Feb 1:
Amen to the scepticism about online matchmaking. If one more person tells me I should just go online to find a husband, I may in fact throw my computer at him/her!
I also agree to some extent about parents and matchmakers. But what about when they aren't doing that job, or can't? My parents are divorced, are non-Christians, and live far away from me, and my mom is in a second failing marriage. I love her, but her matchmaking skills are lacking!! How can older couples be encouraged to get involved in the lives of younger Christians, not just in finding spoues, but also in encouraging and mentoring. In my opinion, there is a serious lack of this kind of relationship in the church today.
13. Anne said the following at 10:52 AM on Feb 1:
I am with Mark. An arranged marrige would be nice.
People think I'm crazy, and it'll never happen, but my parents are strong Christians, know me better than anyone, and they know what it takes to make a happy marrige.
If they said they found me a guy, I'd trust them:)
(Note: I am not suggesting this is the case for everyone, but my parents are just that awsome:))
14. brx said the following at 11:25 AM on Feb 1:
Shauna said something that alludes to an important factor: "...a lot of busy singles would sign up, I am sure!"
If we're too busy to spend time greeting, connecting with and appreciating people just as they are, without our selfish agenda, then we're probably too busy for a new friendship, courtship, and marriage relationship.
Breathe...
15. Tami said the following at 1:47 PM on Feb 1:
BDB, your barbecue idea is pretty great. Seriously.
You can even make happen for less money if it's a potluck (hey, I go to a Baptist church, what else would I suggest ;)
16. MarkB said the following at 4:16 PM on Feb 1:
Mark brings some pretty solid logic to add and inject into this "hot topic". And perhaps, I will supplement some of what he said with a few other thoughts.
My experience, on such sites as eHarmony and one other, provided me with several pro's and con's.
First, that I even had to think about myself and direct questions to my mind was a good thing! How many singles do you know haven't taken an inventory or their lives - who they are, what they want, what they are REALLY like - and then proceed to pursue relationships without this understanding about themselves? Perhaps as you think about it, you might find that number of persons to be much greater than you thought. I affirm the imposed discipline to do this kind of personal inventory - I think it helps people grow, even if it's just a little bit!
Increasing the number of interactions with people seems to be another good thing. When there is such a limited number of persons that we intersect with throughout our days (yes, even in consideration of those we might meet at work, or at church, or through other involvements) is it not a beneficial thing to find some "engaging interactions" with persons of the other sex, even if it's in the virtual, long-distance world? I think some might find that even if the duration of this new "friendship/acquaintance" is only for a short season, they have had the opportunity to interact and to share in each others' lives. Some laughs, some scripture, a new book, a new website, personal testimonies shared between the two, all these things are good and make for an uplifting and edifying experience. Yes, you who bemoan the "seemingly wasted time" of such an interaction might want to re-evaluate your motivations and godly aspirations. There's a lot to learn in the take and give of even the short-term interactions we have with others (and didn't it feel good that someone was affirming us and thought we were pretty neat and attractive?).
Learning things we might not have learned otherwise, that would be my concluding words on this long reply. When looking at other's profiles and asking myself what it was that I was attracted to, was there a consistent stream of attributes and characteristics that I saw among those persons? Did that tell me something about myself? Even realizations about things that I thought would be attractive, which in the end wasn't, and just being able to "trial and error" my way to that discovery, turned out to be a very good thing for me! I learned something through that time invested. There are many examples to this but suffice it to say that there is benefit to this online dating-matching phenomena. We might have to look at it as being just another way to have discourse and relations with others, leaving the outcome to God's purposes and plans.
This is getting too long, so I will offer some of the negative sides in another post.
Good thread. As ever, thanks Boundless! Bless you!
17. Anastasia said the following at 8:39 AM on Feb 2:
My beautiful, educated, joyful, devout daughter decided to try eHarmony.
They rejected her application. I think her thought processes were out of their norm (she's very creative and very practical - almost schizo, if you will).
I watched her wonder and struggle with this issue in her life and finally got a little peeved and told her that she was missing out on a good pool of men because she was ignoring her brother's friends. They are all stellar men in very unique and individual ways - hard working, educated, devout, etc.
She didn't like that at the time, but last January she started dating . . . one of her brother's friends and they are planning to marry, much to the joy of her father and I and HIS mother (she's a widow).
Yes, I believe the unscientific "knowing" of one's child/brother/sister/friend is a much better plan.
18. Rachael said the following at 2:16 PM on Feb 2:
brx wrote: "If we're too busy to spend time greeting, connecting with and appreciating people just as they are, without our selfish agenda, then we're probably too busy for a new friendship, courtship, and marriage relationship."
--> Interesting point, and I just read this by Elisabeth Elliot: "I don't have time" is probably a lie more often than not, covering "I don't want to." We have time - twenty-four hours in a day, seven days a week. All of us have the same portion."
I think I thought something along those lines before I read that quote, but, really...we all have 24 hours... I like brx's quote (above). I find it hard to love selflessly, though, and will probably never master it 100%. Being hurt might sometimes/often be a sign of being selfish, and I haven't yet mastered the art of not caring more about what God thinks than what others think or how others react.
On another note, something more related to the topic at hand -- God could bring people together in any way - through eHarmony, matchmaking friends/family, however...I think the ideal would be to marry your best friend, but then there can be problems and lop-sidededness (1 way) and a post and Boundless show to deal with that matter. :) I think I know someone who married her husband through eHarmony. Think she had been on it for quite sometime. She's over 30. Could be wrong...
19. BDB said the following at 5:12 PM on Feb 2:
Tami wrote:
>>You can even make happen for less money if it's a potluck (hey, I go to a Baptist church, what else would I suggest ;)<<
Well, yes, it depends on how you structure the menu. I'm set up for BBQ events of 12 people right now. If I was "hosting," I would budget as if I was buying everything, so about $250 for 30 people. Then depending on what other people volunteered to bring, I'd adjust my own purchases. I'd have a few extra cases of soft drinks and water, in case the person who volunteered those items didn't show. Then there's propane, maybe buying an additional cooler or two, ice...If there were enough potluck items I'd upgrade mine to steak or tri-tip to compliment the other items. Now that I think about it, I need another folding table to hold potluck items. Thanks for reminding me. There's a trip to Costco in my future...
20. Lisa said the following at 10:57 PM on Feb 2:
I was online for a year. Eharmony brought about the least success of the several sites I joined. On Eharm, I was matched with guys who were exceedingly different from me in interests, values, education, income, goals and temperament....I was even matched consistently with non-Christians.
How is this possible? I have no idea. I answered all 258 questions, I promise! What I do know is that I shared the Gospel with more guys online in that year than I had in the previous five combined. Plus, being online sucked the life out of me. It's a full-time job, and made me a relationship "consumer," a role that I despised. I flipped through profiles like they were paint samples, and I know the guys were doing the same on the other end.
I emancipated myself from the online scene almost 4 months ago, and I'm still alive. Yes, I'm still single, but I'm also enjoying the freedom from answering multiple-choice questions such as "How affectionate are you?" and "How many times per week do you work out?" PTL.
I'm still living like I plan to marry, but I'm investing in things like prayer and mentorship rather than Neil Clark Warren's next vacation home. We'll see what comes of it. :)
21. Corrin said the following at 8:40 PM on Feb 3:
I did go on eHarmony for a few months before I met my wonderful husband at the church where I work. I am not embarrassed that I wanted to be married and that I was using technology to find a mate, all the while trusting that God was the one who could use whatever means he wanted to to bring us together. God uses all sorts of means to accomplish His purposes. I personally know four women who have found godly men on eharmony and married them. I consider myself a matchmaker. I love to introduce my friends and watch God kindle relationships, but so far I have only helped along four couples myself. I am all in favor of "technology" introducing couples, but what really matters is what happens to the relationship after they meet and really start to relate. That is why I appreciate the majority of articles you publish on boundless, but please don't make singles feel guilty or ashamed for using eharmony if that is where God leads them.
22. Carolyn said the following at 11:44 PM on Feb 3:
Hello all,
This is my first time posting on Boundless, but I just had to respond here....
I am a 29-year-old woman; I have never dated. I have been involved in ministry, missions, and various fellowships throughout high school, college, and my professional life. I have intentionally involved myself in Christian community; I have been open to and sought godly counsel and input from friends in terms of possibilities for dating. (e.g. matchmaking). My parents are not in a position to give me input in this area....
I have developed friendships with single and married friends both male and female based on a desire to encourage and be encouraged (not just evaluating my level of investment in the relationship based on the 'dating' potential). I have not 'put my life on hold' either; I have traveled and done ministry as I am able and have worked to grow and learn as a mature adult. And I am not unattractive.
Despite all of that, I have had one man clearly indicate interest in me in my lifetime (the man who indicated interest was NOT a believer!!!)! As I watched friend after friend date/get married, etc., I bought into a lie as follows: I believed that I was something less, undesirable, that dating and marriage were impossible for me. I felt hopeless and sad.
In the midst of this, after recognizing the lies, I began to seek God for healing and asked Him specifically to break the power of these lies, so that whether I remained single or not, I would not be under the weight of these feelings. God has been answering my prayers over the past two years, by taking me through a process of healing and recognizing truth.
One of the steps in healing for me was EHarmony. (I had very strongly believed that God would work only through the ways described in the original article...meeting through friends, etc. or being in the same 'extended' community and knowing the person well before dating.) Well, that is not how God has worked. Perhaps He will yet, but after prayer, reflection, and asking many questions I can see that this is not the only way. Though I had always made fun of eharmony, I was encouraged to try out the site and did.
No, it is not for everyone, but for me eharmony was an exercise in active waiting. It allowed me to see some movement in an area of my life which was almost given over to hopelessness and helped dispel the lie that it is impossible for a man to have any interest in me. God really worked for my healing through giving me an avenue to at least take a step and do something proactive.
Another benefit was that it normalized the process of communicating (even tho' only online) with someone when there is some mutual interest. It also normalized the process of ending 'communication'...e.g. recognizing its OK and normal in the getting to know you process to have someone or yourself decide that there's no dating interest. Made it have less 'weight'.
The bottom line is that God uses many different avenues to teach us more deeply of His love and grace and to build character and maturity in us in the area of dating/romantic relationships. I am soon to end my eharmony subscription and, no, I did not find my soulmate. But I would consider my experience to have been a 'success' in terms of my personal journey of healing.
In addition, I have heard several stories of success. My roommate's best friend met her new husband on eharmony; they lived within 15 minutes drive of each other, but had NEVER met...both were thirty-something.
I'm not advertising for eharmony by ANY means. It, of course, is not a guarantee, and tho' there are some successes, there are also many failures. And I know firsthand of the challenges and pain of unfulfilled hope and expectations and of navigating being single. I do see in a deeper way now, though, that God has a unique way and plan for each person's story. I heartily encourage people to seek godly counsel and feedback from friends/family/Christian community with regard to dating/marriage. I do think that people who know and love you are in some of the best positions to help us recognize potential mates. But I no longer feel guilty/ashamed for participating in something like eharmony. That would be negating a great gift God had given me....and would to me, seem to disrespect one of the methods of His provision in my life.
Thanks for reading my post.
23. Jo said the following at 3:51 AM on Feb 4:
I always wonder if online dating might be one of those few pursuits where the less money you spend, the more success you'll find. Those who join the free sites might just be people frustrated with the lack of singles in their immediate vicinity. Those willing to pay a lot of money on the other hand, would strike me as more 'desperate' and therefore more likely to have more deep-rooted problems such as poor social skills or insanely high standards that have prevented them finding success elsewhere.
I don't mean that all or even most people using the paying sites would have these issues, but that the percentage of people who do would probably be higher with a paid site. It just seems to me that it might be more productive to join free sites where people aren't yet at the stage of investing so much money and so much hope in the service.
24. Carrie (the original) said the following at 8:05 AM on Feb 4:
I had the same experience as Carolyn with e-harmony. I tried it and I realized that e-Harmony was not one of the ways that the Lord would use to help me find "the one". I'm glad I tried it because if I didn't, I would still be wondering "what if?". Now, I know. Good closure.
25. Lindsey said the following at 11:36 AM on Feb 4:
What eharm does do - is increase your network of available, potentially like-minded individuals. It allows you to meet someone new - who you may not have met otherwise.
It is not a guarantee for marriage - but it's a simple statistic. The more people you meet - the more you increase your chances of finding someone who would be great to walk through life with.
I think it gives hope too - that there may be more great, Godly single men out there that we may think:)
26. John D. said the following at 11:45 AM on Feb 4:
I'm doing eHarmony.
They match you with dozens of people, and after a while it's really hard to get excited about any of them. Perhaps the feeling is mutual, since a lot of the women take their sweet time answering the questions.
What also doesn't help is that, unless you specify otherwise, eHarmony will match you with people hundreds of miles away, and most of the time that means you are never going to meet this person face to face.
I did once get a good eight-month long-distance relationship out of eHarmony, but it fizzled (mainly due to the distance involved).
27. Jo said the following at 1:03 PM on Feb 4:
Oh and BDB, I want to come to your barbecue.
My friend and I are thinking about holding a dinner party and inviting a few people with the idea that they each also invite another person who the rest of us don't know. Could be a fun way to meet new people, plus show of our magnificent cooking skills. Yummmy.
28. Becky said the following at 1:13 PM on Feb 4:
"I'm still living like I plan to marry, but I'm investing in things like prayer and mentorship rather than Neil Clark Warren's next vacation home."
Right on, Lisa! I did eHarmony last year and I am one of the 97% who didn't find my soul mate. My biggest issue with the site is the cost ... if their purpose were truly to match compatible people together, they wouldn't charge $60/month. It was the biggest waste of money I've ever spent. I regret my impulsive decision to sign up. I wish I could get my money back.
29. J. said the following at 1:54 PM on Feb 4:
Jo wrote:
"Those willing to pay a lot of money on the other hand, would strike me as more 'desperate' and therefore more likely to have more deep-rooted problems such as poor social skills or insanely high standards that have prevented them finding success elsewhere.
"I don't mean that all or even most people using the paying sites would have these issues, but that the percentage of people who do would probably be higher with a paid site."
I believe there is at least one Web site that requires its users to undergo background checks. (Offline matchmaking services typically require them, too.) They are used to screen for criminal records and verify marital status; as we all know, plenty of people online misrepresent themselves or are dangerous. And not surprisingly, there are fees attached to using such dating sites / services. My point is that there are good reasons why people pay to participate in one service instead of using another of lesser quality for free.
30. Frank said the following at 2:11 PM on Feb 4:
I'd like to add on to Lindsey's comment on what EHarmony does.
When a good friend introduces me to somebody else, I tend to be more optimistic of the romantic possibility because I trust my good friend to watch out for me.
With EHarmony, you're placing your trust not in a friend to introduce, but the EHarmony service and more specifically, the algorithm and the people on that service -- the network.
Which begs the question, how much do folks trust that service?
31. Lisa said the following at 2:47 PM on Feb 4:
John D-
I guess I don't understand why you're not limiting your distance parameters if meeting someone further away isn't an option?
And more generally, it's interesting how people have differing opinions on distance. I met a guy online from Holland (yes, the country, not the town in Michigan), and neither of us considered the distance to be an issue...at least starting out. We were both willing to travel, and obviously knew that if the relationship progressed, someone would have to move. Then again, I've talked to guys 50 miles away from me who think the distance is insurmountable.
I guess I'd just suggest that if distance is an issue because of money, time, etc., then limit your match radius. And if you're just looking for matches in your area, save yourself the cash and do it the old-fashioned way: put yourself out there and start meeting people any way you can.
32. Lindsey said the following at 2:54 PM on Feb 4:
Frank, I def. agree with that.
It takes a lot more caution and probabaly a longer dating period if two people meet this way.
Personally I have been matched up with several people I know - and would not date - so I kind of understand that there are cracks in the system:)
The site should maybe stress that it gets people to MEET. Hopefully, singles are using utmost discretion in examining the character of their matches before proceeding into a deeeper level of committment.
I think it just needs to be used wisely and with reasonable expectations:)
33. Tami said the following at 2:57 PM on Feb 4:
If I'm going to a potluck, I usually volunteer to bake stuff. I've gotten "proposals" (not serious ones, but still!) based on my chocolate chip cookies. Better luck than I imagine I'd have on eHarmony. :P
Anastasia, thanks for sharing your daughter's story. It was encouraging.
34. John D. said the following at 4:17 PM on Feb 4:
Lisa,
I eventually figured out how to do that. Now my matches are a lot closer geographically to me.
I still haven't found the right one, though.
35. Lauren T. said the following at 6:49 AM on Feb 5:
I'll join in the chorus of "eHarmony ads drive me nuts". I told someone recently that even if I'd been thinking of trying the site, the ads would've killed that real fast.
The whole problem of "meeting people" has been troubling me for a while, though. I belong to such a small church that there literally is no one available for me to marry and I don't want to start doing things that are out of character for me in the hopes that I'll magically meet someone. On the other hand, I don't think doing nothing works. I've looked at websites and I'm a lot less than thrilled with the results; it seems like talking to people and getting to know them face-to-face would be a more productive thing to do. The big question is...where do I even start?
As with anything else, life would be so much easier if everything we wanted to do had an owner's manual and a formula to fix any problem.
36. Mark said the following at 11:20 AM on Feb 5:
Jo,
I disagree with your statement about free vs. paid sites. A cost acts like a barrier to keep the people with "more deeply-rooted problems," as you put it, away. Typically, any time there's a cost involved, with an online dating site let's say, the person paying for a service is probably more serious about it and less likely to be on the freaky side. By charging a fee, a site can say "we don't want you in here" and not accept your money. Free sites have no way or motivation to keep people out, to the best of my knowledge (except for occasional displays of incriminating behavior.)
Now some advice on more traditional methods of meeting people: I knew a woman at a previous church who was about my mother's age. She had a close friend with a single daughter. This woman had a tremendous amount of respect for the young lady and held me in high regard as well. She figured that two Christian singles would hit it off. Upon meeting her, there was zero chemistry (at least on my part.) She was nice, but not for me. I took it as a compliment that this church member was looking out for me and thought enough of me to recommend me to her friend's daughter. BUT, when being set up by someone of the opposite sex, try to get a second opinion from someone of the same sex. The way that women evaluate women is different from the way that men evaluate them as so many posts here have shown.
37. obewan said the following at 11:20 AM on Feb 6:
Lauren T wrote:
“I belong to such a small church that there literally is no one available for me to marry…”
I don’t know what it is like where you live geographically, but there may be an independent or inter church singles group. I ran a Google search for my town and found 10 Christian singles groups – two of which are multi-church ecumenical groups. Also, if you find a Church with a group that meets on a Friday or Saturday I am sure they would welcome you to join since there is no group at your own home church. You might have to be creative with your Google inputs and use advanced search and look through hundreds of web hits, but it might produce some good results. I lived in a small town before this one, and a woman started her own Christian singles ministry called “Singles by Design.” She just ran a newspaper ad and set up an email list for events. It was not on the Internet except for the email.