Why Guys Need Our Respect
by Denise Morris on 12/06/2007 at 10:02 AM
My latest TrueU article, "Love Your Brother: Why Guys Need Respect, Part 1," talks about loving your brother by respecting him (umm, in case you didn't catch the gist of it from the title).
In it, I point out that due to my sarcastic sense of humor, I'm not always super respectful. Most of this, I believe, is harmless, but is has caused me to think of the deeper issues of respect -- especially when it comes to guys. Many of you have probably heard of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book, Love and Respect, which is where I got a lot of the ideas for this article. Here's a short summary of the book:
The book's premise is that men and women communicate very differently. (Any of you who have been in a relationship can probably confirm this with either vigorous nods, sighs of frustration, eye rolling or hands thrown up in the air.) We communicate differently, and we also receive things differently. Eggerichs posits that relationships work best when women feel loved and men feel respected. Unfortunately, Eggerichs argues, women naturally show more love than respect, and men naturally show more respect than love. So, in the end, women don't feel loved like they should, although the men respect them and vice versa. It's a wicked crazy cycle of mis-communicated love/respect.
In my article, I point out that, for the most part, I think this is true. I believe both men and women need to be loved and respected, but generally, these have importance to us in different ways.
But, I also admit that I chafed at this concept at first, because in my mind, deep respect is something to be earned. We all know we are to love one another unconditionally, but respect is something not everyone deserves. (And, to me, it felt like something you give to an authority figure.) But, I reevaluated my thoughts and came to this conclusion:
We do not need to respect the men in our lives as authority figures (unless some of them are). Showing respect for guys does not include doing what they tell you or being at their beck and call. In fact, I would argue that sometimes not doing what they ask of you and not being at their beck and call may be more respectful to them in the long run. (Someone please remind me to continue that tangent and turn it into an article someday.)
In my opinion, the respect we should show for the guys in our lives should be based on our desire to love them the way they need to be loved. It's recognizing what's important to men (whether or not we fully understand it). It's looking "not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).
So, what do you think of the whole idea of women needing love and men needing respect?
1. Tami said the following at 10:22 AM on Dec 6:
I think I've mentioned on here about fifty times how good I think Eggerichs' book is, and how much I got out of it, so I'll refrain from saying it again.
Er, whoops. :)
Both men and women need both respect and love. So I think things go a lot deeper than the simple statement "men need respect, women need love" -- but ultimately, it's true.
I've been practicing paying respectful (and I have to add, honest and not suck-uppy!) compliments to the men in my life (young and older, married and single), and it encourages me to see how encouraged they are by it.
2. Carrie (the original) said the following at 10:51 AM on Dec 6:
This is an interesting concept. Several months ago, I had a conversation with a male friend and he said that he didn't feel like I respected him. I suspect, despite my best efforts, that he still feels the same way.
Ephesians 5:33 states "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
The male ego is one of the most dangerous things on the planet, imho. Females have their issues, no doubt, and definitely aren't the most humble of creatures on earth, but the male ego is somethin' else. And in respecting males, we females must learn to "deal with" the male ego. It's not among my list of favorite things in life.
3. Patricia said the following at 11:11 AM on Dec 6:
I'm not sure there is a dichotomy between love and respect as much as people suggest. After all, the relationship between a husband and wife is supposed to resemble the church. Does the church not love and respect Christ? Also, children both love and respect their parents.
4. Bine said the following at 11:50 AM on Dec 6:
I am slightly confused by your use of the words 'women and men'. I have read Dr. Eggerich's book and he speaks of WIVES must respect their husbands and HUSBANDS love their wives, based on Ephesians 5. I think there is a huge difference. If you are speaking of HUSBANDS, then your comment 'We do not need to respect the men in our lives as authority figures (unless some of them are)' would be contrary to what Ephesians tells us. I firmly believe that what Dr. Eggerich teaches is scriptural and that women's rebellion to their husbands' authority and hence God's word has been one contributing factor to the high divorce rate even among Christians.
5. Beth said the following at 12:12 PM on Dec 6:
Wow. Thanks for reiterating the communication differences between men and women. Being an only child and grwing up with female cousins only adds more to the mysterious nature of relating to the opposite gender. This is not a typical cry, "I just don't get men." This is something that is real and helps define our rols as men and women. I definitely need to read Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book, Love and Respect. It think it would help bridge the communication gap and provide insight into the trust issues between men and women. We value different things. This is a good thing. God is both the God of compassion and authority. He is approchable and revered. He can also blend both in us. Let us not forget that God can't reconcile our differences.
6. Denise Morris said the following at 1:10 PM on Dec 6:
Bine,
I agree with you about the difference between husband/wife and men/women when it comes to love and respect. If you read my whole article you may grasp the context a bit better. Also, I plan to do a follow-up article next month talking specifically about love and respect that does not relate to husbands and wives.
Thanks for the comment!
7. Adam Sloope said the following at 1:13 PM on Dec 6:
I think it sounds valid and makes a lot of sense. We tend to want the member of the opposite sex love or feel how we do, when we really need to show them on their terms. I like this concept.
8. Matt said the following at 1:14 PM on Dec 6:
As a guy, I don't need my girlfriend to agree with everything I think or do. In fact, I appreciate hearing her differences of opinion because I know that sometimes I am wrong and need someone to point that out me.
What I do need is to be treated as someone with valid ideas and as a valuable contributor to the relationship. If I present a suggestion and my significant other snaps back, "That's ridiculous", or sharply and directly contradicts me, I feel undermined. Instead, it would be more productive for her to say, "I think it would be better if...". I want to feel like my thoughts are taken seriously and not so easily dismissed. That is what I mean when I want to be respected.
9. AD said the following at 1:58 PM on Dec 6:
Eggerich has many suggestions on simple ways to show a man that you respect him. And the list does *not* include "thou shalt never differ in opinion with a man." Rather, the suggestions have to do with attitudes and contexts and, sometimes, even with specific words that women use in one way but sound completely different to a man (Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus deals with this too). My husband and I attended the Love & Respect conference less than a month after we got married, and we are so thankful! It has helped our communication tremendously. I think God has graciously allowed us to avoid many of the normal heartache of early marriage because we had this information and put it to use on a daily basis.
Bottom line: while Eggerich does focus on the marriage relationship, the concepts do apply outside of marriage. Our culture promotes man-bashing. Women are encouraged to publicly humiliate men (put them in their place, etc.). I think it's time we fight back by valuing men and demonstrating respect in our interactions with them. Men really do have a lot to offer. And they're a lot more likely to give and develop their best when they feel valued by women.
10. Courtney P. said the following at 2:03 PM on Dec 6:
Great points in this article many men of the faith say that, men need respect and women need security/love. Another things comes to mind the Bible calls women to be meek and quiet in spirit. Not a door mat that just goes along with what ever is sound but a women who speaks with meekness, love, truth, strength and most importnatly the Word of God. I think if we focus on being MEEK and QUIET in spirit we will be respected more.
11. April L. said the following at 4:06 PM on Dec 6:
I have been told, "Wow, you must communicate so well with men," because I have five brothers! Ha! Not exactly!
I HAVE learned that when I am more respectful, they are more loving. The opposite holds true as well, perhaps even more so because reacting is easier to do.
As for really and completely understanding them (or any man) - I don't think it will ever happen. (However, I do believe that I just may have attained to some degree of excellence in the delicate art of feeding them...)
The odd and unusual differences in communication between men and women just reminds me that mysteries can be lovely and fascinating things - too often spoiled by true comprehension! We don't always want to be understood, do we?
Oh, and Denise, I wanted to remind you - turn that tangent into an article someday... :)
12. ernesto said the following at 4:15 PM on Dec 6:
it makes perfect sense with the roles given by Our Father, and certainly i am more confident when my friends who are girls support us in our endeavors rather that nagging and whinning .
I believe (from third party perspective), this is the case in marriage also, man can tolerate criticism from any but the worst hit we can take is to get negative attitudes from the women we love.
An additional point i would add, is that certainly we must love women no matter if they deserve it, as well as we should be respected no matter what, especially by those dear to us, but we as men should work to be worthy of respect so the task is easier to women.
True Servant Leadership is hard, no doubt about that, but is to be accomplished by the Grace of Jesus Christ our Lord.
13. ernesto said the following at 4:18 PM on Dec 6:
a question to single females here,
How can we your single friends, can show love without implying any romantic interest?
this is a hard one for me with my friends, so i ask.
14. Tami said the following at 4:39 PM on Dec 6:
Hi, Ernesto,
I'm sure you'll find a lot of discussion of your question on this blog and on the Boundless site!
But my personal, general advice would be: to be kind, but not overly attentive; to show caring, but not single the girl out (whether that's by spending a lot of time chatting one on one, or going out one on one very frequently); by not implying anything about "your future", or saying something like "you are the type of woman I would like to marry"; and by not being more "huggy" than you would be with anyone else. And, if you want to compliment a girl's appearance, "you look nice" is a lot less "romantic" than "you look beautiful"... but it's still encouraging. :)
I also appreciate offers of having things carried for me, doors held open, etc (but I know not every woman feels that way). I don't take that as a sign of interest, but I do take it as a sign of thoughtfulness.
And if you are single (I think you are?) and you treat a female friend like this... and you develop feelings for her later... she will be inclined to think positively of you. :)
15. Amanda said the following at 5:05 PM on Dec 6:
I've noticed, since starting work in a place where about half the people I deal with are men..most of whom are my own age, that I gain a lot my respecting the men around me.
If I show them respect and compliment them appropriately, they generally treat me with respect and are more willing to help me when I ask.
Also, I have found that a well-placed word of respect or confidence when one of them is having a rough day will earn me a smile and maybe even cheer them up.
I admit I've got a long way to go before I stop going too far with my sarcasm and teasing once in awhile, but I am getting better.
16. Patricia Hampson said the following at 5:50 PM on Dec 6:
Umm..I'm female and I also like being respected. I think that men may *tend* to appreciate respect more but I think all adults appreciate being treated with respect. For that matter, what is the difference between love and respect? If someone doesn't respect me as an adult, how can they love me? How do we show respect and love? I'm not trying to be difficult but am seriously wondering how people see respect and love as being lived out.
17. Jacob Douvier said the following at 5:59 PM on Dec 6:
I think this is another way of saying that men want to be taken seriously. We constantly deride men with the "living in mom's basement playing xbox all day while being obsessed with beer sex and pizza" stereotype and the wonder why they don't feel respected. Disrespecting men is a cultural norm. Turn on the tv and it's called "a comedy sitcom," but it's really nothing more than sexism. "Men are stupid and don't deserve respect, while women are smart, intelligent and can do everything men do, only better." When all men heard is derision by women, why exactly should those same men want to love those women?
18. Oloryn said the following at 8:51 PM on Dec 6:
I haven't heard of Eggerichs' book before, but my reaction to what I'm seeing said about it here is "Oh, good. Someone with credentials is finally saying the same thing I've been saying for 20 years".
My original formulation of this was something along the lines of 'In a relationship, a woman's heart will be satisfied (or not) in terms of how she's treated, outwardly and practically. A man's heart will be satisfied (or not) in terms of how he's regarded.". Sounds like this is similar to what Eggerich is saying, except I've got an emphasis on love being outward and practical (my own paraphrase of Eph 5:25 goes something along the line of "Husbands, love your wives, just and Christ loved the church, and did something practical about it". I justify it in part by noting that for some men, expressing love outwardly and practically scares them about as much as death does :) ).
Regarding expressing respect when it's difficult, one thing I'd suggest is to beware of seeing respect in a perfectionistic manner. Or, to rephrase that, don't pursue respect as a "I'll give respect when there's few enough flaws to deserve it", pursue it as "I'll look for those characteristics that deserve respect, and express honest respect of them, even when they're accompanied by flaws that don't deserve respect."
Regarding a man feeling unrespected despite efforts to respect him, I'd suggest taking a look at whether you're trying to respect what he does or what he is. As nice as it is to be appreciated for what we do, what we men really want is to be appreciated for what we are. If you're primarily expressing appreciation for what he does, try shifting that to expressing appreciation for the characteristics that lead him to do the things that you appreciate.
19. Kathryn said the following at 3:19 AM on Dec 7:
Thanks for this article Denise! I've been thinking about such things, now that I've recently finished uni for the year and have free space in my head to think such non-uni related topics, :)
I tend to be rather sarcastic, or blunt towards my guy friends, and I think it comes down to me being patient with them. Often times when they stuff up (even a little) I need to be patient so that I don't give off a bad attitude as I interact with them. :) This is a good reminder to keep trying, as I recently haven't been trying very much. :P
20. kman said the following at 6:58 AM on Dec 7:
Amanda-
Do you enjoy sarcasm when it's directed at you? Does it build you up?
I ask as a person that has a sarcasm streak a mile wide.
I found that my sarcasm wasn't something that built people up but tore them down a tiny bit at a time while the injury was wrapped in humor.
If they would take offense, you have the out of "I was only teasing, I didn't mean it" so they are left looking like they have no sense of humor. Not a winning position. I found that people were hurt by my "funny" comments, probably more often than I was aware of.
And I'm not saying this is true for you, but when God dealt with my anger, my sarcasm all but disappeared. I always knew deep down that it wasn't a good thing for me to do but it became so much a part of personality that I just thought "that's just the way I am am." Thank God that wasn't true!
21. Meredith said the following at 7:31 AM on Dec 7:
For anyone who wants to know more about this subject, I would highly recommend For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and its counterpart For Men Only by Shaunti and her husband Jeff. Being a woman, I have only read the former, but I'm sure the men's version is just as good. I had many "aha" moments in reading it - her work is based on extensive research, surveys, interviews, and biblical principles. I have to say I was convicted by some of the information in the book, and I learned many things that I hope to apply one day if/when God blesses me with a husband. It has also, weirdly enough, helped me to give advice to some dating/married friends when they were having communication problems. The books are quite concise - I think I read mine in a day or two. I cannot recommend these books strongly enough!
22. Justin said the following at 8:02 AM on Dec 7:
Amanda,
As a guy, on behalf of the guys you work with, allow me to thank you. You might not know how much they probably appreciate (I definitely would, anyway!) those simple gestures of encouragement you mentioned. A kind, non-accusing word when I'm having a bad day is pretty much guaranteed to make it a little better.
23. Gary said the following at 9:31 AM on Dec 7:
Hey all, I think this is a good topic, and to dovetail on one of the issues mentioned, I tend to sometimes become too sarcastic with others, and a couple years ago a friend of mine gave a bible study on how we interact with others.
The definition of sarcasm is: "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain" (Merriam-Webster)
Obviously, when put this way, is there really ever a circumstance where sarcasm should be included in the conversation of a Christian? If we are called to build others up, obviously this detracts from that goal.
Another point is that sarcasm is often masked by saying that we are not serious, and that the person should "lighten up". However, in Proverbs 26:18-19 it states: "18 Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows 19 is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, 'I was only joking!'" This passage really convicted me, because I know I had used that excuse before.
So, hopefully we can all realize the power of our words, and that we have the power to build up or cut down with every word we say.
24. Carrie (the original) said the following at 9:41 AM on Dec 7:
Patricia,
It is really easy to "love" someone and not "respect" them. My relationship with my family is a testimony to love/respect dichotomy. Really, I have close to no respect for most of my family. I think they are a sad bunch of non-believing folk. However, I will exercise hospitality and give them the shirt off my back if necessary. I will sit and listen to what they have to say, offer words of encouragement, and even say the harsh things when necessary. (When your mother is dependent on sleeping pills, it's a little hard to be quiet.) I will practice loving them until they die. However, I doubt I will ever respect them because of all their dysfunction.
It is very, very, very easy to love and not respect.
Do you think God "respects" us in our sin?
25. Nick said the following at 10:45 AM on Dec 7:
That's really good. There's a reason why people say women communicate better than men. :)
So, another article idea:
-how men can show (non-romantic) love to women
Please? :) From what I've read and heard, I assume this would look like:
-Taking an interest in their lives (asking, listening, remembering, and responding)
-Chivalrous actions
-Leading (in groups, in relationships)
Funny thing is, to a guy, this doesn't sound like "love".
26. Patricia said the following at 11:05 AM on Dec 7:
I see love more as an action. Does God love us in our sin? God obvoiusly doesn't love our sin but because we were created in God's image, he still loves us. Sin separates us from the love-but it is still there if we turn back to God. I can respect some members of family that don't believe. I respect them because I admire certain qualities that God instilled in them. Sure, it grieves me that they use those qualities for wrong purposes but as a p erson, I see them still as made in God image and as such asll have qualities that can be admired.
27. Beth said the following at 11:58 AM on Dec 7:
Nick wrote:
"From what I've read and heard, I assume this would look like:
-Taking an interest in their lives (asking, listening, remembering, and responding)
-Chivalrous actions
-Leading (in groups, in relationships)
Funny thing is, to a guy, this doesn't sound like "love"."
So, just a curious question to the guys on this board- what does love sound like to you?
28. kman said the following at 4:26 PM on Dec 7:
With apologies to T. Edison:
Love is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
LOL. Can't help but see the parallel.
29. Adam D said the following at 8:09 PM on Dec 7:
kman wrote:
I found that my sarcasm wasn't something that built people up but tore them down a tiny bit at a time while the injury was wrapped in humor.
If they would take offense, you have the out of "I was only teasing, I didn't mean it" so they are left looking like they have no sense of humor. Not a winning position. I found that people were hurt by my "funny" comments, probably more often than I was aware of.
I just wanted to say that this is true wisdom and I couldn't agree more. Way too often in the past I found my own self capable of saying the meanest things to my friends only to say "I'm joking", or "I'm just messing with you". It was very pathetic of me, and I have gotten pretty good at correcting myself because I realized how bad it is to insult someone then try to cover it up as humor. Mine was sarcasm half the time, other times my words seemed truthful and direct, then I'd just try and blow it off as a joke.
I wish you good luck in the future with controlling the tongue(James chapter 3).
30. Amanda L said the following at 9:44 AM on Dec 8:
Jacob- I definately agree that society in general allows far too much disrespect for men. I still remember a story I read somewhere about a girl wearing a t-shirt to school that said "Boys are dumb, throw rocks at them"....and if a guy had worn a shirt like that about girls, he would've gotten in so much trouble. Demeaning men is considered acceptable nowadays. That's why I can't stand so many tv shows.
kman- God has dealt with me on the majority of my sarcasm over the years. There are times when it comes from anger and is intentionally hurtful, but for the most part it's just irony that borders on disrespectful. Sometimes people thought I was angry when I wasn't, so I've had to learn who can interpret my sarcasm and who can't. As I get closer to God, my sarcasm softens to gentle teasing and I hurt people less and less often.
Nick wrote:
"From what I've read and heard, I assume this would look like:
-Taking an interest in their lives (asking, listening, remembering, and responding)
-Chivalrous actions
-Leading (in groups, in relationships)
Funny thing is, to a guy, this doesn't sound like "love"."
That list is a good start, and makes up a huge chunk of the ways guys can show non-romantic love to the women in their lives.
Here's a couple more I can add:
-Non-sexual compliments, like about how we handled a situation or how well we did at something. Hair and jewelry are generally safe subjects as well, but always be sincere.
-Challenge and build us up in our walks with God.
-Don't be a fraid to be protective, just don't be irritating.
I have a guy friend who has this hilarious face that he makes when he dissapproves of something a guy did or said to one of the girls at my church. He doesn't make a scene, but you can tell that he cares about how we're being treated, and when one of us is having a bad day, he's got words of encouragement.
31. em said the following at 8:07 PM on Dec 8:
The Love Women / Respect Men idea has some validity but it also bothers me.
I agree that you can love someone you don't respect and respect someone you don't love. I respect the president but any love I have for him is rather abstract and consists in prayer. There are other people in my life for whom I show love but respect isn't a large function. These things aren't static -- people change and so do our relationships with them.
However, I'm a single woman, and no matter how much love he communicates to me in word or deed, I would never even consider a man who didn't first respect me. The relationships I most appreciate are the ones characterized by mutual respect. So, yes, I do try to respect the guys around me in those areas where there is something to respect (which is a lot of areas -- that's not a put down). And, there is a place for respecting someone because of their position even if they don't have particularly strong character.
Perhaps I appreciate / value respect more than the average woman. Perhaps there is a man out there who appreciates receiving love more than average male. We shouldn't be made to feel like anomalies in our churches.
I agree that women should respect men in their lives and men should love the women (as brothers and sisters - and that includes as husbands and wives). But that is because I believe it should be mutual -- brothers and sisters who love and respect EACH OTHER.
I've known too many stuations where Christian women and men have been taught to divide love and respect along gender lines. Men who bring flowers and chocolates and lead and provide but constantly ignore or put down their wife, dismiss her views and undermine her intellectual and decision making abilities. Worse, they think everything is just fine because they are "loving husbands." These same wives do everything they can to respect their husbands and wonder why their marriage still feels like a mockery.
And sometimes, I wonder if, for a few chauvanists, there is the hidden implication that good Christian men deserve respect (like Christ) and are called to sacrifically love undeserving women (like the church). How easy to forget that we are all sinners needing redemption.
You know that happens. I don't assume anyone here would endorse it or say that's what they want when they encourage directing love / respect based on gender. But this consequence is real and should be weighed as you consider what you teach.
Here's my question: why don't we just teach that brothers and sisters in Christ are called to love and respect each other? That way your teaching can't be used to justify abuse. That way you are able to accomodate the God given differences between each man and woman specifically as well as between men and women generally.
32. Katie said the following at 7:49 AM on Dec 9:
To reply to the comments asking how to "love" women in a non-romantic way, the trick is, to notice us. Women are always going to feel loved if they are noticed, but let me explain it's frendship setting.. Notice us as people. Invite our oppinions if we're keeping quiet, let us know that our very existence makes a difference to you. Let us know that our minds matter and our actions matter. If you want to be romantic, notice us as women. Tell us, and tell us often, that we are beautiful. (But never ever use that word, or in fact make comments about how women look in general, unless you are or are trying to be romantic. [Comments about clothes or hair-style, to include the word style, are fine as friends, because that stuff changes. Comments about smile or hair or eyes or face or anything that doesn't change is romantic. And as I said, never ever use the word beautiful unless you mean it in a romantic way; same applies to 'lovely'. For just friends, 'nice' is perfectly adequete!] ) If you want to be romantic, let us know that our physical beauty matters to you as well as our thoughts.
But the most important thing I think is to be consistent. Women pick up on small changes and very often debilitate over the meanings of them if a guy behaves inconsistently towards them. It's very hard not to. But if a guy is consistent as either friends or as romantic, then we feel very happy and secure. I also assume it goes without saying but I'm going to say it anyway, that if you two are just friends, treat her the way you treat all your other female friends. Don't treat her like a bloke, but treat all the women the same unless you're dating them, and be very cautious about getting super-close to someone as friends too (because this means you're treating them differently). If you have a biological sister (or stepsister/half sister/cousin etc) and you two are close, and/or close in age, then you pretty much should not have other women getting closer to you than they do. Even if you're not so close, don't let them get closer than they would do if you were close to them. Aside, obviously from the one you're married to or nearly married to. (You don't have to be super-close to someone when you start dating, but you probably will get to the point where you'd be devastated to loose them, and that's when you should get engaged.)
Sorry that was such a jumble and I hope that it helped :-)
33. Jesse said the following at 10:46 AM on Dec 9:
You're right to hold your respect up as something to be earned. Worthy men will, then, strive for your respect. If any man could easily garner a woman's respect, then there's nothing exclusive about a relationship with that woman.
Men like a challenge.
34. Tami said the following at 9:43 AM on Dec 10:
If a man is quoting Ephesians 5 to "justify" his so-called "biblical" right to boss around or abuse his wife, then he's guilty of ripping those two verses out of the context of the entire New Testament.
Hey, want an interesting topic of conversation for a third date? Talk about Ephesians 5. The person's responses will tell you a lot about what being married to that person would be like. If you don't like the perspective they're sharing with you now, you won't like it any better later, when the relationship gets more serious. If the person doesn't have "all the answers" (who does?) but is seeking to obey Christ and is able to talk about the topic without getting agitated, those are good signs. But if the conversation is Red Flag City (usually indicated by getting super-dogmatic or heated by the topic), that's probably not someone you want to be attached to for the rest of your life, no matter how cute they are, or how much candy, flowers, etc they bring you.
35. David said the following at 11:36 AM on Dec 11:
"In my opinion, the respect we should show for the guys in our lives should be based on our desire to love them the way they need to be loved."
-Denise Morris
So it's not really respect...it's just love that pretends to be respect? Is there really a difference between the two from your perspective?
How about the reverse, in my opinion the love men should show for the women in our lives should be based on our desire to respect them the way they need to be respected.
Sounds like they're becoming synonymous...and no longer have any meaning at all.
36. a sassy sister said the following at 12:28 PM on Dec 11:
Read Dr. Eggerichs' book. I think the issue here is balance and understanding what communicates to the other person that they're loved. Dr. Eggerichs' addresses the potential for abuse on BOTH SIDES. Bottom line: If the Lord is the one that's calling the shots in your life, then you will realize that you can both love and respect each other, while still recognizing that for a man, giving respect IS COMMUNICATING LOVE to a man, or affirming a woman's value is COMMUNICATING LOVE to her. It is God that gives us the ability and insight to really love and respect each other according to what they need, to really effectively have a healthy balance in the relationship.
If you have read the book, Dr. Eggerichs actually did mention the cases in which there are men who are more loving and women who are more respectful as far as what they value. HE IS NOT SAYING THAT ALL MEN AND WOMEN ARE WIRED EXACTLY THE SAME WAY-HE'S SAYING THEY TYPICALLY ARE ACCORDING TO THE RESEARCH HE HAS ENCOUNTERED AND THROUGH THE COUNSELING EXPERIENCES HE HAS GONE THROUGH WITH OTHER COUPLES. That being said:
1.) Man is fallible, God is not! I would recommend that everyone search the scriptures for themselves for understanding and pray to the Lord for wisdom and insight regarding this issue.
37. Glenise said the following at 7:22 PM on Dec 11:
I think this posting is so cool!
I'm a single girl, and have always been single. In my situation, I've taken on a "super-woman" kind of attitude - trying to be Miss Independent in everything I can be. After all, if my bike is broken, why should I have to wait for some guy to fix it? What if my tire goes flat - I shouldn't have to depend on a guy friend to change it for me...I'm a strong woman, yes I am! It takes courage to be a single woman in a place far away from home, and, by george, I've got courage...maybe.
However, looking back on it, I realize that I need to change my attitude. I came from a family of which my Dad was the chief authority. He wasn't controlling, manipulative or abusive, but he laid down the rules and lovingly lead his children in righteous living. When I get married (and I pray that I do), I ain't takin' no wuss for a hubby. I want a man that can take charge of his family and be a leader. That means I must be willing to be led and taken care of. And now, in my single years, I have the best opportunity to practice respecting my male friends by allowing them to be gentlemen and affirming their characters (I, too, can be very sarcastic).
Not only that, but I think being respectful toward my male friends also prepares them for future roles as husbands (in terms of what they should be expecting). If that's a gift I can leave with them, that would be awesome and God could use that eventually.
So, instead of walking home in -10 degrees (MN - uff da!), I'll accept a ride home. I'll accept the shot-gun seat offered to me, and I won't rush to open the door first. I'll express my gratitude for "gentlemanly" acts and comments, and respectfully disagree with their opinions (if necessary). I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side, or a hindrance to my guy friends' development.
38. Amanda L said the following at 8:28 PM on Dec 12:
Glenise: Well put. I love the way you wrote that!
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I grew up with two younger brothers who I grow to respect more and more as they grow into men...they are now 19 and 17.
I think they've been learning, partially because of our years of homeschooling and interaction with people of every age, how to treat women with love and how to earn respect from them.
Not that they always open doors(my dad does though). :)
As for me, well, I've learned a lot from them about how to respect men without becoming a doormat or a weakling. ;) And I hope to continue doing so.
39. Trevor Dolby said the following at 7:13 AM on Dec 14:
Glenise: you sound good to know :) I think we need more girls like you, as one of the most difficult things about "chivalry" is fearing a negative reaction on the part of the lady.
One thing I have noticed, however, is that girls who object to ideas like "ladies first" tend to come round after a while if you don't give up, and then they really appreciate it. I think it's built into girls in some way to like being treated specially (as a group).
40. Glenise said the following at 10:48 PM on Dec 16:
Aww, thanks! Anything I can do to help. I think that's what it's all about, actually. Enough about what I think and what I want - we need to be looking out for each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Peace out, man!
41. rrr said the following at 9:37 PM on Feb 3:
You know, I am all for respecting men when they actually LEAD, and take responsibility for the outcome of their decisions -- especially when they go wrong and other people are harmed as a result.
But how are we supposed to respect them when they repeatedly do stupid things?
Why is it presupposed that men should have respect for just existing, as opposed to having earned respect by meeting his obligations to family, friends, and community?
After all, the rest of that quote (from Ephesions, I believe it is) is "husbands, love your wives AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH."
It's not unconditional.
42. June said the following at 4:41 PM on Apr 18:
So I shouldn't show any love or affection to my wonderful guy? ....Yeah...right... I don't think so. I think that if I stopped telling him that I loved him or stopped kissing him or hugging him and only gave him respect, he would be devastated. He would assume that I didn't care for him.
I, in turn, would be devastated if he did not respect me. If I ever thought that my thoughts or opinions on an issue didn't matter to him or if he ever dismissed my opinion as "stupid", it would tear me up inside. If he had shown me such disrespect in the beginning, I would most certainly have never considered him.
Thankfully, I have chosen a most loving and respectful man with whom I am seriously considering marrying. And I aim to show him all the love and respect that he has most definitely shown that he deserves.
I don't think that either man or woman can do without love and respect. It may be harder for men to show love and women to show respect; but just because woman and man are deficient in displaying one or the other does not mean that the one that they are proficient in showing is needless or less necessary.
For example, think of the woman as needing both love and respect. If the man can't show her love but is great at showing her respect, she will feel less than she should.
Again, the man needs both love and respect. If the woman shows love but not respect, that will be the one focused on as needing; but that does not mean that either doesn't need the one that is proficiently being shown.
Just think about it for a second. Guys, just imagine if your wife refused to hold your hand, refused to give you a kiss, didn't greet you at the door when you came home (or when she came home whatever the case may be...). OR on a truly deep note, refused to make love to you. BUT your wife would praise you about what a wonderful job you were doing at work and putting a roof over her and the children's head, etc.
Women, just imagine if your husband dismissed almost everything you said and disrespected you at every turn. BUT he gave you flowers every day and told you you were beautiful every second.
There MIGHT be a couple of guys who wouldn't mind that...maybe...; and there are a good number of women willing to put up with that. (This is evidenced in women in other countries who put up with being called lesser beings and even preferring sons over daughters themselves.)
But they certainly aren't happy with it. Or most of them aren't.
This also applies to friendships. My guy friends want the same brotherly love from me that I want from them. They wouldn't be my friend long if I didn't show any concern for them. Likewise, they would not be my friends long if they disrespected me.
As for co-workers, I don't think that there are many people, man or woman, who really care about whether or not they are loved at work. There MIGHT be a want for others to care to a degree; but there really isn't a need for any more than that unless one makes friends with other co-workers.
But respect from co-workers is essential to everyone. I don't think that anyone would be happy if they gave a presentation; and it was derided as stupid, neither publically nor privately.
Of course, in the workplace, respect is most definitely earned. One most definitely is not in the position to be demanding respect unless you happen to be the boss. Even then, it's a false respect unless earned. It's brown-nosing, not real respect.
If there are still doubters, there is, at least, a Bible verse saying that it's good for wives to love their husbands:
"4 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children,"
Titus 2:4
*shrug*