The Problem with "Mama's Boys"
by
Motte Brown
on Dec 19, 2007 at 8:06 AM
Resurgence blogger Anthony Bradley is calling on pastors and small group leaders to give "mama's boys" their masculinity back. He says women, children, the church, and the world are desperate for it.
Bradley writes that mama's boys typically come from mothers with passive, abusive or absent husbands. He says that without a father to keep the natural affections of a mother in check, women can actually become too close with their sons. And a son's unhealthy closeness with a mother can be emasculating.
In order to satisfy her own needs many mothers keep their sons from entering the world of men claiming that, "he'll get hurt," "he'll get dirty," "it's not safe for him," and so on. She may even continue to call her son an emasculating nickname, like "my sweet little boy." For many moms, sons are easier to relate to than grown men. She can be intimate with her son without experiencing conflicts she might have with the man she can't manipulate or control: the boy's father.
When the boy gets hurt, is rejected by other males, is disciplined by the father, and so on he runs to the mother for sympathy. Her desire to meet her own needs instead of the boy's discourages the boy from ceasing to look to women to solve his problems. This may actually encourage the boy to stay isolated from his male peers when he is hurt by them instead of learning how to exert himself or depend on a healthy community of men for encouragement and affirmation.
And this sort of mutual dependence is devastating when "boys" try to form healthy relationships with women. Here's the testimony of a son whose mother looked to him as a "surrogate spouse":
"My parents never divorced; they just lived separate lives under the same roof. But as the older son, I became my mom's surrogate spouse. It took me years to figure out what I had gone through.
I'm 36, am a solid Reformed Christian, have a good job as a big-firm lawyer, and generally enjoy life. But I'm absolutely ruined as far as relationships are concerned. I give time to my church, work a lot, and use my spare time to travel the globe. I don't even bother dating anymore." -- anonymous
Beyond recommending a couple of books, Bradley doesn't tell us exactly what to do with mama's boys. But I think pastors and other leaders need to be very intentional about investing in the lives of the young men in their church, particularly the ones who exhibit mama's boys tendencies. The very thing that they shun, a healthy community of men, is exactly what they need.
1. Loris had the following to say on Dec 19 at 8:50 AM:
I know of a case where the eldest son of a large family was born out of wedlock and the wife considered him to be "hers" alone and kept him somewhat separated from his loving stepfather, even though the stepfather had adopted him.
2. Louise had the following to say on Dec 19 at 9:09 AM:
I think it is a cop out for a man in his mid-thirties to blame his inability to form a relationship on being his mother's "surrogate spouse."
There's help out there in the form of therapy.
He should get some help. Maybe then he will stop whining about what his mother did to him when he was a child.
3. Carrie Lea had the following to say on Dec 19 at 9:21 AM:
Wow. I was going to post this on the "I Don't Want to Grow Up" thread, but this post hits the nail on the head of the situation I'm thinking of.
I know a woman who fits the description in the linked article almost to a tee. She is a kind and loving woman, but she has a strong tendency to be "clingy" with her two sons. Her husband is fairly passive, and they don't have a very good relationship. She thinks of her two sons as "her life" (rather than her husband) and doesn't seem to think of this as abnormal in any way. She is hurt when she doesn't get a call from at least one of her sons every single day.
Fortunately, the bad effects listed in the linked article don't seem to be affecting her two sons so far. The older son, while wanting to make his mother happy, has a healthy sense of independence and has "left the nest" without much trouble. The younger son, however, is not as motivated to grow up, and she isn't willing to push him out of the nest. He should be close to graduating from college by now, but instead he has been suspended for poor grades. He spent last semester at his parents' home (even though he had an apartment already paid for at college) doing nothing but watch TV and play video games... no housework, no attempt to get a job. She has paid for his college and will do so again next semester, when his suspension is over. Needless to say, there is frustration for the whole family.
One problem I see is that, while she has a strong work ethic, she doesn't seem to see it as her responsibility to pass this on. She thinks she is being a bad parent if she doesn't coddle her (adult) sons. Ironically, I see it just the opposite: it is a parent's ultimate responsibility to teach their children how to be independent from them. I can pray over the situation, but I wish there were more I could do.
I should note that mothers may also be "clingy" with their daughters. I have seen this happen too, and I am determined not to be that way with my children. I am blessed that my parents are not clingy in any way.
4. erin had the following to say on Dec 19 at 9:25 AM:
That anonymous testimony is truly sad. I don't know if there's a way to really reach the "mama's boys" until we can reach the mothers and help them see that while they may feel their behavior benefits their sons, they are actually hindering them and even harming them.
5. Jesse had the following to say on Dec 19 at 9:29 AM:
I love John Eldredge's writings on this topic. His books "Wild at Heart" and "The Way of the Wild Heart" are a little short on scripture, but very refreshing nonetheless. Paul Coughlin's "No more Christian Nice Guy" is also worth a look.
Can boundless bring in one of the Eldredges to write an article about the whole Wild/Captivating thing?
6. Carrie (the original) had the following to say on Dec 19 at 9:44 AM:
This is fascinating. My small church is very big on the idea of "masculine men" and not churning out "mama's boys". Being single, I do a lot of babysitting for church families.
There is one family that I spend a lot of time with, the mom and I are just a few years apart, so it's more of a friendship than a mentor relationship. Naturally, their kids are becoming a big part of my life.
This past Sunday, they both had things to do around the church before Sunday school started. I took the two youngest ones downstairs for Sunday School, eventhough it wasn't going to start for 10-15 minutes.
The second youngest was taking hymnals off the chairs so that people could sit down. I looked at him and said "Are you being a sweet boy?". There were a few people (actually, now that I think about it, I was one of only two or three females in the room at the time. There were at least twice as many men.) quietly chatting in the room, but all of a sudden you could hear a pin drop.
Now, the silence makes sense. I was a little confused at the time and wasn't completely sure if the silence was coincidental, but now I get it.
7. SB had the following to say on Dec 19 at 10:54 AM:
My brother is exactly like the younger brother Carrie Lea described...only he has a part-time job, and my mother "helps" him with his (college) classes by reading the textbooks, taking notes, reading to him, etc. She thinks she's helping him succeed, but my brother has said she does almost ALL the work for his non-major classes, including writing. It is a major point of contention between us (besides emasculation, she is helping him cheat if she is as involved as my brother says but she won't admit to that level of assistance), and also between her and my father (who I have to admit is passive). My husband and brother are friends, and my husband has called him out on it...but my brother has no reason to change, or contribute to paying his living expenses, or otherwise grow up in any way. Any suggestions?
My husband and I talk often of how we plan/hope to raise our future sons differently. We want to raise manly men!
8. Carrie Lea had the following to say on Dec 19 at 12:14 PM:
SB,
I'm with you on the raising manly men! Carrie (the original) brought up the point in the other thread that our generation needs to step up and teach our kids to grow into strong adults, which I absolutely agree with.
I wish I had suggestions. In my view, it is mainly the parents' job to push their kids out of the nest if the kids won't do it themselves. When the father is passive and the mother is overly "helpful," what is there to do?
9. Patricia had the following to say on Dec 19 at 12:26 PM:
I don't really see how this topic is different for men and women. No one should be emotionally, physically, or financially dependent on their parents by their mid 20s. It's not a "masculine" or "feminine" issue but an adult vs. child issue. And personally, I don't have a problem with young men living at home as long as they are responsible for their own finances, help their parents out, work full time, and otherwise act as adults. It sometimes is a great way to save for a down payment on a house. I also think there is a dangerous flip side to this rhetoric about mama's boys. While adult children should not be dependent on their parents, the Bible commands us to honor our parents regardless of our age. I for one am happy when I see a son who respects his mother and welcomes her advice but is not dependent on her. I also am impressed by young men who speak of wanting to spend time with their parents and care for their parents when they age-since this is part of honoring our parents.
10. Kirsty had the following to say on Dec 19 at 12:37 PM:
I have just read this blog post, and it has hit me so hard because it explains exactly the kind of relationship my ex-boyfriend had with his mother - which in the end played a major role in the break up of our relationship.
Unfortunately no matter what a girlfriend or anyone else may say, the situation will not change. It will only be through lots of prayer and the grace of God that a man will be able to see the situation for what it really is.
I also completely agree with Erin's comment,
"until we can reach the mothers and help them see that while they may feel their behavior benefits their sons, they are actually hindering them and even harming them."
Often times the son involved can be quite oblivious to what is going on because it has been the way of life for so long. It is truly sad, and I have great sadness in my heart when I think about this whole issue.
11. Mike Theemling had the following to say on Dec 19 at 1:39 PM:
Interesting, but wasn't Jacob a "Mama's Boy"?
12. Jacob Douvier had the following to say on Dec 19 at 3:47 PM:
"Can boundless bring in one of the Eldredges to write an article about the whole Wild/Captivating thing?"
I'd strongly encourage Boundless to consider Terrence O. Moore, author of the brilliant essay "Wimps and Barbarians."
Moore sets a much more compelling argument for what's wrong with men than Eldridge does. Frankly, I think Eldridge is dangerous to undiscerning readers because he tells men to follow their heart, just like every Disney movie from the beginning of time. I wrote a response/review of "Wild At Heart" on my blog.
13. Laur had the following to say on Dec 19 at 3:52 PM:
Mike -
Yes he was. And I don't think that was a positive thing.
14. R had the following to say on Dec 19 at 7:48 PM:
So will Boundless next do an article entitled 'The Problem with "Daddy's Girls"'? Too many college-educated women are living off their folks nickel, not paying for their own car insurance, car payments, etc. It leads to laziness and materialism, which is not healthy for a future marriage.
Patricia is right: this issue crosses gender boundaries.
15. ryan had the following to say on Dec 19 at 7:48 PM:
I'm a youth pastor and I've seen this problem in many young men. I don't know of any working therapy. It's like they're just "broken". They're not gay, they just don't have a strong desire for women (except for mom). In my experience, it's like they've been eunuchized.
16. Stanhope had the following to say on Dec 19 at 10:19 PM:
This article contains so little hard data -- or even detail -- that it's hard to make sense of it. An anectdote or an anonymous account can easily be found for any theory under the sun. The question is: what does the research indicate? Is there any data that would suggest that weak males are the fault of mothers more than fathers?
17. Bob had the following to say on Dec 19 at 11:58 PM:
Send them to boarding school
18. Patricia had the following to say on Dec 20 at 6:48 AM:
It's interesting to consider Jesus' relationship with Mary, his mother. He acknowledged her presence while he died on the cross. She was present at Pentecost and he performed his first miracle at her request...is Jesus a "mama's boy?" No, but clearly he honors her and she had an emotional bond with him.
19. Elizabeth Ruffin had the following to say on Dec 20 at 7:58 AM:
I'm beginning to see this wimpiness in my brother-in-law. Just out of his teens, he lives at home, waffles between college and a part-time job and has little interest in girls, though he is not gay. My husband and I worry about him a good deal. It comes as no surprise that his mother is domineering and considers her children her sole source of identity. She was devastated when my husband moved out to prepare for our marriage.
20. SB had the following to say on Dec 20 at 10:53 AM:
There is a big difference between the kind of "mama's boy" described in this post and honoring one's parents. My husband has a GREAT relationship with his mom, but he is not emotionally dependent on her, nor did he have any expectations that his parents would provide materially/financially for him after high school. He was very prepared for a healthy relationship with me in part because of his relationship with her. My brother, on the other hand, has no particular emotional attachment to our mom but is completely taking advantage of my parents' generosity with free housing, free food, laundry service, homework help, etc. I wish I could say that he was using this time wisely, to save for a house (or replacement car), but I'm pretty sure he spends most of his part-time wages at Chipotle. And I doubt that will change any time soon, unless something major happens. I'm afraid he's going to turn into one of those "failure to launch" type guys.
21. Dave had the following to say on Dec 20 at 2:07 PM:
Patricia: I agree that Jesus continues to honor and care for Mary throughout his adult ministry, but there is also a clear separation there. In the Wedding at Cana, Mary tells Jesus there's no more wine, and Jesus' response isn't immediately, "yes, mama." It's "Woman, what does this have to do with me?" Later on, Jesus is told that his mother and brothers want to see him, and Jesus replies that his "mother" and "brothers" are the people who need him right there.
In the end, Jesus takes responsibility to entrust the care of his mother to another, as is proper of an adult son with an aging (and likely widowed) mother.
He loved his mother, surely, but His allegiance and duty was first to his Father. It's important not to conflate proper love and regard of one's mother with slavish devotion. If Jesus were the type of mama's boy being described in this article, he wouldn't have allowed himself to die and be taken away from her.
22. Israel Hands had the following to say on Dec 20 at 2:53 PM:
I see no mystery here, personally. We're living in a Matriarchy, and have been for some time. Feminism has spread like cancer into all our institutions, including the churches of the West. Clear Biblical direction is routinely violated to accomodate this ideology, and so we have women preachers etc etc. And then people wonder why the men in our society have been emasculated? What's wrong, they can't see the forest for the shrieking trees?
23. Patricia Hampson had the following to say on Dec 20 at 4:09 PM:
Dave-I agree with you for the most part, but I see a danger is moving too much to the other side. Far from being slavishly devoted to their mothers, most guys I've talked to don't want to take care of aging parents, refuse to treat their mothers with dignity and respect (btw the title "woman" is a clear title of respect if you look at the original language), and general ignore the command "honor your mother and father" and simply rely on moms to materially care for them. Also, many men who grow up without fathers have a sheer and overt disdain for women-calling women all sorts of terrible names and slang words. It's good to have a strong emotional bond and respect for the opinion of one's mother and to care for them, spend time with them, honor them, etc. It's important we don't lose that as a culture and too often for all people rely on their parents for money, people fail to respect and love their parents as they age and no longer are of any value to them.
24. Robert J Espe had the following to say on Dec 21 at 9:16 AM:
Jacob,
I liked the article you linked to, insightful if appropriately narrow in scope. Yet another article throwing my need to read Plato's Republic into sharp relief.
I would encourage people (it's written for men, but a woman could get something from it) to read "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber(Ranger green beret, now a pastor in Colorado, near boundless, hint, hint...). A better choice than Wild at Heart since the author focuses on the idea that a man must place himself under God's authority to properly be a man ("a warrior without authority or direction is merely a brute").
25. RJEllie had the following to say on Dec 21 at 12:48 PM:
It's not always just moms and sons, either. I was my mom's only child, and she and my father (whom I haven't seen since) divorced when I was a year old. I've used the term surrogate spouse in relation to myself before - I was her confidant, her emotional support, etc. Well, friends and family do that for each other, right? Yeah, but not to the extent it happened. She told me a lot of things were normal, but I don't know if laying all your burdens on your first-grader falls into that, or accusing your 20 year old of family disloyalty and ungratefulness for wanting to pay her own bills and move out. Anyways, I don't mean to complain, and I do love my mother dearly - she has done many things well, and I know she loves me. But this is a problem - the issue of independence. She remarried when I was in junior high, so a lot of the "spouse" things stopped (except when they fight), but my adulthood is a source of contention. I'm not a failure to launch case, where my parents are trying to figure out how to pry me from the basement - I feel the opposite of the "adultescence" oft described here. The balance of doing what I need to do and of respecting my family is really difficult. (Future Boundless article on this would be great....)
26. Carrie Lea had the following to say on Dec 21 at 4:11 PM:
RJEllie,
I'm sorry to hear you're in that situation. I'm sure your mom means well, but I would agree that it is not "normal" for a parent to be that emotionally dependent on a child. You're right -- it can apply to sons or to daughters, and also multiple children as well as only children.
I know of a situation in which the mother was (still is) very emotionally dependent on her four daughters. I know for a fact that one daughter intentionally got married at a young age to get away from this a little bit. (Lucky for her she found a great man to marry as soon as she did.)
The post is about "mama's boys," but I think the main issue is with emotionally dependent parents. Different children have different responses to this treatment, but there can be a definite dissonance between a parent's unwillingness to let go and the child's need to establish themselves as an adult. Good luck with it.
27. BDB had the following to say on Dec 22 at 9:41 PM:
Robert J Espe wrote:
>>Yet another article throwing my need to read Plato's Republic into sharp relief.<<
Dude, it should be required reading for all college freshmen. Or freshpersons, or frosh or whatever. It's amazing how many very old ideas people think are new.
Of course it was in Plato's Laws that unmarried men over 35 should be fined...
28. John had the following to say on Dec 23 at 5:47 PM:
What is the cultural significance of such a relationship?
I know of several cultures where men never grow up, always relying on mommy and the wife just has to put up with it.
Not saying it's right, but definitely an issue bigger than the continental 48, HI, AK, PR and the rest.
What about cultures where 3 generations have to live under the same roof, sometimes of the thatch variety?
29. Jacob Douvier had the following to say on Dec 24 at 6:39 PM:
Mr. Espe,
I'm glad you enjoyed it. There's nothing like a little Plato to quicken the moral imagination. While far from perfect, his understanding of the tripartite nature of the soul is very insightful for a pagan. I agree with BDB that all freshmen should be required to read Plato. At the college I went to, they do.
John,
While I'm not suggesting that you're saying this (but feel free to correct me), simply because a certain practice is normative in one culture does not make it ok. In India, for example, they would burn widows on her husband's pyre.
I think consequences have been indicated by many of the preceding comments: a man on his own is encouraged to become more responsible and mature sooner than if he stays in his parent's basement and hides behind the apron strings when there is a problem. Further, that he would continue to be so emotionally attached to his mother at the expense of his wife does not sound healthy. As others have pointed out, living in mom's basement doesn't entail that you're a momma's boy or that you aren't responsible. If you have 3 generations living together, then make the best of it.
30. Eden had the following to say on May 28 at 11:03 AM:
I'd like someone's advice on this situation - mine. I dated a man for four years. He is now 52 years old. Has lived with his mother since his father passed away. His mother once liked me until she realized I could be "the real deal - his wife." We talked marriage. The past two years his mother despised me. I treated her well and with the utmost respect.I know she felt threatened by me - afraid of losing her son. Well, I broke the relationship off with him 2x. The latest being 4 weeks ago. He promised to marry me - we had the date chosen (oh, he never did give me an engagement ring by the way - too cheap for that). Ultimately, he chose his 78 mother over me, once again. The date came and went. I suggested where we should live - he could check on his mother every day (she doesn't drive) and take her grocery shopping as is their Saturday ritual. Well, momma won again. This guy is 52. God help him when his mother is safely in the grave. One more thing - he videotapes himself with his cell phone going potty. I think this has something to do with his mother as well. Anyone's thoughts?
31. jeff had the following to say on May 28 at 2:32 PM:
Eden: Not sure what kind of "thoughts" you're looking for. You obviously made the right decision when you broke up with this guy. It looks like he's perpetually stuck in the mindset of a child. The "videotape" thing probably indicates that he has no healthy ways of relieving stress.
Unhealthy interference by a man or woman's family of origin can cause many problems in a marriage. And remember Matthew 19:5 -- "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh"
32. Eden had the following to say on May 29 at 10:22 AM:
Thanks, Jeff for your insight. Believe it or not its nothing that I didn't already know about. However, you are head on when you stated about him not having a healthy way of relieving stress and he stresses over the littlest of things. I know he is in love with me, madly as I am with him and naturally its killing us both. Tell me if I take him back a third time what a fool I would be. I can't get him off my mind. Do you think it would be wise if I sent him an email and told him to read Matthew 19:5 or just let it alone. Guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
33. IMO had the following to say on May 29 at 1:41 PM:
Eden,
I am not trying to be harsh with you but you need a wake up call!!!
Unless you are both willing to take some serious premarital classes and he not only is willing but he takes actions on his own to change...DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Yes you will be a fool. And you have nobody to blame but yourself. Not him. Not his mother. You alone are responsible for your life and how you live it and the choices you make.
And if you get married, you will have a nighmare of a mother-in-law and you will still have a mama's boy. Your marriage will be off to a horrible start.
If you both decide to get back together AND do not get BIBLICAL counseling...you are setting yourself up for failure.
I already see from your last comment that you haven't closed the door on this relationship. You want to email him with a puny verse to read. If he is a Christian, he should at least be familiar with what kind of man it takes to be a man of God and a GODLY husband. That's why I give my advice now. It's because it seems like you want to get back together again.
I see much danger ahead for you...[I'm not being extreme here...you need a reality check --I say this out of the best of my intentions, not trying to be mean or rude here.]
34. Eden had the following to say on May 29 at 2:13 PM:
IMO - You are absolutely 100% correct. I can't understand myself. I broke up with him Jan of 07. He tried to contact me and I wanted no part of him - none whatsoever. I got rid of everything that reminded me of him all pics all voice mails. Maybe I am the one who needs the help - everyone, including myself knows deep inside that he is a momma's boy and will never change. You were not harsh in the least. I just wish the pain would go away. The first time I broke up with him I was so angry that I wouldn't dare contact him. He was raised Catholic but he is not in the sense as we know Christians to be. He's a good person. He made a comment to me once - he said that "The Blessed Mother" appeared before him about 20 years ago, called his name and said to him "It's your life." I asked him if that was a dream he said absolutely not. I was raised Lutheran. Unfortunately strayed away from going to church. Maybe thats my problem - I need to get back to attending church. I just have this thing for Italian men - my first husband was one, I should have learned from him I suppose. You are correct IMO, I need to really examine myself. Oh, by the way, he would never go to any pre-marital counseling. The only pre-marital counseling he would go to would be a lawyer to probably have a pre-nuptial agreement drawn up. Yep, I need to have my head examined. Thank you IMO! I will keep re-reading your's and Jeff's responses to my dilemma (which I should be thankful I'm out of - its just tough right now.) Pray that I stay strong and do not contact him in any way, shape or form, please.
35. IMO had the following to say on May 29 at 4:02 PM:
Thank you for responding and further explaining your situation, Eden.
You hit the nail on the head---->you absolutely need to get back to church. Even more important than church is God Himself. Back to prayer. Back to reading your Bible. I encourage you to rummage through some Boundless articles. They can help you and encourage you in getting back or starting a relationship with Jesus Christ. They can help you figure out what this relationship looks like. There will be such freedom and joy for you. A fresh breath of air.
I'm so sorry for the pain you have experienced and the pain you still have. (As you know--but good to have this reminder) Getting back together with him will not be the answer to your pain. Getting into a new relationship with another man won't be the answer.
The pain you have does not have to be for nothin'-->The Lord can use it as an opportunity to draw you back to Him.
Seek God by faith and you will gain much. You will gain the greatest treasure. I plead with you. Turn your pain over to Him. He IS faithful. Lay it at His feet. Be strong. Find strength in the Lord. When we are weak, He is strong. I don't just say this to you, I have seen the Lord's faithfulness in my life. I have tasted and seen that He is good....
Thank you for reading this and know that you are in my prayers.
36. Eden had the following to say on May 30 at 7:48 AM:
IMO - I have to ask - are you male or female? Do you have a degree in psychology or theology? I don't even know how I got on this site. Happenstance I suppose. Keep praying because the pain is still too great.
He has an aunt and uncle who are very religious and he and his mother (momma) think they are way overboard with their religion. His aunt would say that the Lord will heal her ailments and then she would take medication for her ailments. Then his momma would criticise her and tell her son, if she believes in God so much why does she take the medication to help her ailments.
I just want to know how come he never even gave me a ring and how come he kept stringing me along all that time. Full well knowing we both really did love each other. I'm not a stupid lady - perhaps guilable but not stupid.
Someone told me to get over him I need to date another guy. You are telling me not to do so. Please elaborate for me on this. Thank you.
37. IMO had the following to say on May 30 at 10:14 AM:
Hi Eden, I'm a female. I'm also a very happy newlywed! :)
Some thoughts:
--Medicine/ointments/etc was used in the Bible to bring healing. God can use medicine to heal. Even if God chooses not to heal us from our physical elements, that doesn't mean we stop believing in him. I think that him and his mom will continue to have these type of questions about the aunt's faith, no matter what answer you give them...I think they are just trying to pick on her. That's all. If it's not picking on her for healing, it'll be for something else..
You know when I first became a Christian (about 6 years ago)I had no idea what the Bible was about. I didn't even know that what OT (Old Testamant) and NT (New Testament) initials stood for and what the difference was. I realized that the Bible truly had all the big answers. The topic of Healing is in there.
--Since I don't know you personally I can't really give you advice as to whether to date somebody if you so choose. Just from reading your comments, it seems like you are really struggling and it would be the greatest benefit for you to focus on having a relationship with Jesus Christ, first and foremost. Dating and starting something new with another guy won't elevate the pain, it will just be a distraction... And you will miss the opportunity to take your pain to the Lord and cultivate that relationship with Him. But that's my 2 cents. I just know that it is NEVER wrong to seek the Lord. It's never wrong to repent, to seek forgiveness for sins, and start fresh with the Lord. Dating may hinder that for you. I don't know. That is your call to make.
--You have just checked out this site? That's great! It's a wonderful resource. Search through the topics, read up on the articles that interest you and can be useful for you. I truly recommend it.
38. Eden had the following to say on May 30 at 11:56 AM:
IMO - I'm happy for you and honestly, I envy you too (being a newlywed). I was supposed to be one right now. I became a Christian when I was baptized at the age of 5 months. Faithfully went to church with my parents every Sunday. When I got married and had my daughter, took her to Sunday School and church. She had some tough teen years but I believe that because of her upbringing with Christ she overcame all those rotten teen years and I am a firm believer that Christ got me thru those rotten teen years. So momma's boys never change. I would just love to know what he is going to do when momma is safely in the grave (or urn b/c he's so cheap to pay for a burial). By the way, where did you meet your new hubby? I work all the time and hate the bar scene. I met momma's boy on the electronic bar scene - the Internet. If only she wasn't around. He once said to me "I wish my father was alive and she wasn't." Shocked me to death knowing how much of a momma's boy he is. She made his life Hell on earth all because of me. She is a selfish old woman who ruined what could have been a good husband for someone. Why me, God?
IMO, what is your age, if you don't mind me asking?
39. John D. had the following to say on May 30 at 12:04 PM:
Is the consensus that "mama's boys" can never change? Are women well-advised to avoid them like the plague?
If so, what hope is there for men in such situations?
40. Louise had the following to say on May 30 at 12:37 PM:
Re comment 32, Eden my advice is not to e mail him with Bible verses or indeed any other message.
If you want to "get him out of your mind" no contact is the way to go.
Would dating another person help you get over him? I couldn't really say.
But the passage of time will definitely help.
Good luck.
41. k. had the following to say on May 30 at 1:26 PM:
Eden -- His mom didn't ruin him for anybody. He's a grown man, responsible for his own actions and choices. Including the choice not to marry you. :( He might have been in love with you, but it sounds like he wasn't in love enough, unfortunately. I'm so sorry.
It sounds like you're (understandably) grieving and angry right now. I would say your first order of business should be taking care of yourself, including visiting a counselor (preferably Christian, if that's how you identify yourself). Seeing a counselor doesn't say anything bad about you; it means you're smart enough to want to live your life well, and address any destructive patterns that you might have. You can't change this guy, so there's no point in debating with him or sending him bible verses. It's time to take care of yourself.
Best wishes for you!!!
42. Eden had the following to say on May 30 at 2:00 PM:
To John #39. I hope you understand the difference between a man loving his mother and a momma's boy. A momma's boy is one who gives up his life for his mother, which unfortunately, in my case it has happened. If you or anyone you know is giving up their own life and happiness for their mother, then there is no hope for men such as that.
43. Louise had the following to say on May 30 at 3:31 PM:
On the other hand, never marry a man who hates his mother!
I made that mistake.
44. IMO had the following to say on May 30 at 6:27 PM:
Hi Eden,
I met my hubby through a friend. I still cannot believe that I am married because I really thought that I would never experience that kind of love and commitment. So I'm still bewildered as to how I got so blessed with such an incredible man. So I wish I could shell out tons of wisdom regarding where to meet men...but I don't. I am just humbled by the blessing of even marrying my best friend. :) The only thing I can offer is hope! I've never been in a serious relationship before I met my husband. Love was elusive to me...
Anyway I just realized that I may be insensitive to your situation...I might be coming off as "bragging" that I have a wonderful husband. And I apologize. I truly hope you don't think that. I just want to encourage you that there are wonderful, godly men out there! I sure thought I would never find them.
45. Eden had the following to say on Jun 2 at 9:03 AM:
IMO. You are not coming off as bragging at all. You just are very happily married. I'm happy for you. I feel like you used to feel, the love is now elusive. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging now, I am what 97% of men consider "gorgeous" including momma's boy. I just don't get it. Thanks for your insight and I sure hope the pain will go away soon.
46. Helen had the following to say on Jun 16 at 7:00 PM:
I think that it's fine for a person to be what God wants them to be period. If a man/woman has to endure the hardships of this life, while saving money, wisely and taking care of finances themselves, not a problem. However, the problem is when a "man" rescues his family financially, for an extended period of time,out of guilt. And mothers with toxic relationships cannot give their sons a right to be what God has created them to be, "a leader within a christian community, a christian husband able to make sound, godly judgment, and to practice the skills needed in singleness to have them in order, so that a wife, may take her role. Number 9 it's fine to be protective over your son, but there comes a time, when YOU have to let go, so he can do whatever single or married, that God has for HIM. You have raised a MAN hopefully, let him be one.