Chicken. Road. You Know What to Do.

Why'd the chicken cross the road? (Warning: Extreme political incorrectness follows.)

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

BILL O'REILLY: The folks don't want the chicken crossing the road. It's clear to any clear-thinking American who thinks clearly and doesn't obfuscate or bloviate. But the secular Left, who continue their war on Chickenmas, want to let all sorts of chickens cross the road, but the folks just won't stand for it. Now stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

JAMES JOYCE: Slush. Chicken thought "cold" as he stood on the curb, a vehicle roaring past like a lion, sweltering, savanna radiating heat, acacia trees shimmering in the distance. Picnic. Tree. Pie crumbs. Ants. She was lovely, in her own pert way, doctor's office steps yawning, maw gaping, before him, remembering the dreaded meeting. Bad news. Serious look furrows his brow, his hairy eyebrows coming together. Her hair tossed casually aside, giving him that impertinent look as she stepped off the curb. Oh, yes, Chicken remembered, I need to cross the road. But why?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here. The last thing we need is a chicken with nookyular weapons crossing the road.

PAT BUCHANAN: Chickens shouldn't cross the road! Our chickens should stay on our side of the road, and their chickens should stay on their side of the road. Important American chicken jobs are being stolen by their chickens.

MIKE HUCKABEE: Chicken!? Where? Let me shoot it!

HILLARY CLINTON: At first I supported the chicken crossing the road, and would have voted for it, but then I realized that it's probably, you know, not a good idea for the chicken to cross the road. I mean, I understand why Gov. Spitzer wants to legalize having chickens cross the road, but upon further evaluation, I think, you know ... um, that chickens should be free to choose to cross the road, but that ... um, next question.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

JOHN MCCAIN: I guess everyone had a pretty good time when the chicken crossed the road. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time.

JOHN EDWARDS: The chicken wants to cross the road, but the special interests on the other side of the road are determined not to let him. They want to rob the chicken of his dream of a simple middle-class life, but I'm going to fight the special interests. I'm going to take them on, because I identify with the common chicken. Just give me a minute.

BARAK OBAMA: I'm sure, if we all just work together, that we can, as a people, help the chicken cross the road. It's time to end the cynical politics of the past that says chickens should stay on their side of the road. It's time to take a principled stand for what we believe.

RUDY GUILIANI: On 9/11 I was well aware of a lot of chickens wanting to cross the road, and because of my steadfast leadership, those chickens were able to cross the road safely. And at Ground Zero, which I visited, you know, a bunch of times, in between attending Yankees games, I continued to provide the leadership to allow the chickens to cross the road. (I just didn't tell my then-present wife about it.)

DENNIS KUCINICH: They just want you to believe the chicken wants to cross the road. I know in fact that there is no chicken. But a UFO abducted it, if there was a chicken, that is.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, the idea for which I stole from Apple. It will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra... (Unknown Error 231)

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Comments

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1. Leann said the following at 8:43 AM on Dec 31:

That was hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

2. Marie said the following at 8:53 AM on Dec 31:

I love the James Joyce and Giuliani ones. ;D Did you come up with some of these, Tom? I remember seeing something like this on a website before, but there are some in here that I hadn't seen until now...

3. Caroline said the following at 9:03 AM on Dec 31:

Very funny indeed. I love satire.

4. DT said the following at 9:30 AM on Dec 31:

Ahh, good times. :)

5. Leigh said the following at 9:59 AM on Dec 31:

Wow. Someone has waaay too much time on their hands! That was really funny--mainly because the different people are characterized just about right. :-) Definitely sending this one to my friends.

6. Tom Neven said the following at 10:17 AM on Dec 31:

Marie

I should have made clear: The Dr. Phil, Oprah, Aristotle, Ernest Hemingway and Bill Gates "quotes" I got in an e-mail from a friend. (And then I tweaked them a bit.) The rest are mine.

7. Anna said the following at 11:00 AM on Dec 31:

So funny!

8. Allison said the following at 11:19 AM on Dec 31:

Oh my goodness. That was hysterical.

9. Eva said the following at 11:30 AM on Dec 31:

So funny! I love it!

10. Andrew R. (aka Canadian Boy) said the following at 11:34 AM on Dec 31:

Tears are flowing from my eyes from laughing so hard. Absolutely brilliant. Happy New Year.

*Bawk*

11. Stanhope said the following at 11:43 AM on Dec 31:

Lame. Trite. Tom can do better.

(Sorry, Tom, normally I like your stuff, but this is just tired.)

12. ernesto said the following at 12:08 PM on Dec 31:

Coronel Sanders' one Rocks

13. Luke said the following at 12:44 PM on Dec 31:

nice!

14. Tami said the following at 1:09 PM on Dec 31:

The chicken totally blogged about this incident last week. Didn't you read it? Get the answer right from his own beak! In the age of new media, we shouldn't simply rely on all these pundits to offer us their biased and skewed views on these important issues.

(By the way, the chicken is working on a bird's-eye video that he plans to send to Current TV.)

15. k. said the following at 2:51 PM on Dec 31:

The Hemingway one is my favorite. :)

16. Aria said the following at 3:10 PM on Dec 31:

hilarious - the Dr. Phil one especially - I can just hear him saying it...

17. Stephanie K. said the following at 5:25 PM on Dec 31:

As a political junkie, I found this hilarious. Satire can be so refreshing sometimes. :)

18. Nikki said the following at 6:35 PM on Dec 31:

Great job Tom!! I sent this on to my coworkers immediately. I don't really think it's politically incorrect at all! Awesome work!

19. Heidi said the following at 6:21 AM on Jan 1:

How about Bush, What would he have to say on the subject?

20. Melissa said the following at 2:36 PM on Jan 1:

That was hilarious! Great work.

21. Andrew R. (aka Canadian Boy) said the following at 3:47 PM on Jan 1:

Tom, the problem with political jokes is that they get elected. ;)

22. Elizabeth said the following at 12:40 PM on Jan 2:

Here's one that I thought appropriate for Presidential Candidate Congressman Ron Paul: "This chicken is suffering blowback as a consequence of his interventionist foreign policy."

23. bernie said the following at 11:40 PM on Jan 2:

Thanks, I used some of your examples (with a link back to you) in my post 13 Political Reasons the Chicken Crossed the Road.