Prepare Even Now
by Ted Slater on 11/28/2007 at 12:24 PM
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In a decent job? Married? Maybe with a child or two?
People expect us to go to college to prepare for a career. How many of us are intentional enough, though, to prepare for things that are arguably more significant than bringing home the bacon? How many of us spend time even now studying to be a good spouse and a good parent?
I'm very grateful that I had opportunities to attend university and grad school. My years studying journalism and English and intercultural communication and education and squash have equipped me for the job I'm in now, a job I absolutely love. Those years of preparation have made me competent (some of you may disagree, I admit) to act as editor of Boundless.
During my early years I somehow found myself with a vision for marriage and parenting. And so just as I was preparing for my occupation, I was preparing to become a husband and father. I read books. I listened to audio messages. I listened to Focus on the Family (no, honestly, I did). I observed couples that were doing well with each other and their kids. I was enjoying my single years, but I was also getting ready for the next season of life.
I figured that just as I didn't want to show up at an employer's office unequipped to do the job, I didn't want to show up at the wedding altar unprepared for marriage. And I realized that cramming for either test would be foolish.
One of the goals of Boundless is to cast a vision for marriage and children, and to share what we've learned about how to have a great "next season of life." For some of you, marriage is years off. Some of you may end up serving the Lord unmarried until you go to your reward (a life commended by Scripture). And some of you have already set the date for your wedding (congrats!).
The thing is, just as it was prudent of me to prepare for a career years in advance of accepting the job here with Boundless, I'm thinking that it was wise to prepare years ahead for the season of life that I'm in now. My wife and two daughters (and the tiny tiny baby on its way) are happy that I did.
1. Carrie said the following at 12:38 PM on Nov 28:
"How many of us are intentional enough, though, to prepare for things that are arguably more significant than bringing home the bacon?"
I think there are many men that would argue that bringing home the (literal) bacon, is the most important thing anyone can do. They sure do like their fried pork strips.
On a more serious note though, I do think it is important to study how to be a good spouse/parent. It's not something that can just "happen" or be figured out. Yes, one's theories will need to be developed and modified once the actual experiment is taking place, but watching other experiments is good. You get to see mistakes, pitfalls, triumphs, and goodness in action. There are some univeral problems that are inevitable, but at least you know about it ahead of time and you don't think you are the only one that has such problems.
2. BDB said the following at 12:38 PM on Nov 28:
Squash?
Maybe Ashleigh should comment on this one, but how would you say that your years of preparation influenced your "12 months from hello to I do" timeline?
3. Childless single woman said the following at 1:10 PM on Nov 28:
"Some of you may end up serving the Lord unmarried until you go to your reward (a life commended by Scripture)."
Could you clarify that please? Where is just ending up single commended in Scripture?
4. Miah said the following at 1:33 PM on Nov 28:
Congratulations to your family about the upcoming baby!
I agree with you on this article completely. Thank you for the reminder that we should be thinking about tomorrow. Not worrying, but thinking and preparing for the future. Yes, we need to live now, for today, but the future will come without us realizing it and we need to be prepared.
For some reason, part of Matthew 24:42-44 comes to mind: "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."
5. Ted Slater said the following at 1:33 PM on Nov 28:
"Childless single woman" -- I know what you're getting at. Please don't hear what I'm not saying. A little grace here, D.
Delaying getting married is often (though not always) foolishness. Being unintentional about marriage is certainly foolishness. Some people intentionally put off marriage, though they burn with passion, and end up never getting married. And that's sad, because it could have been avoided if those individuals took to heart the command in 1 Cor. 7 that "they should marry."
I'm talking, of course, about those few individuals who are called to a lifetime of celibate service for the kingdom of God, a vocation honored in 1 Cor. 7 and elsewhere. People like Jesus, John the Baptist, Paul (as far as we know), and my friend Manuel. I'm not talking about 30-year-old guys who'd rather play video games and watch porn than pursue a wife. Staying single in their case is not commendable, but pathetic.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify.
6. v@v said the following at 1:47 PM on Nov 28:
Congratulations to you and your wife for another little one on the way! To sound totally juvenile -- that's so cool!
Early prep is a good idea -- reading the books, attending the seminars, listening in on every married couples' conversation of their journey, their struggles and their victories. I soak it all in like a sponge. I'm hoping the catalog of information I've stored in my head will just magically come to remembrance when I'm in the trenches of marriage myself. :-)
7. v@v said the following at 1:54 PM on Nov 28:
Also, I just finished reading an article posted on TrueU in the "Men's Hall" called "Marriage Prep 101: Whether You've Met Her Yet or Not": http://www.trueu.org/dorms/menshall/A000000814.cfm
Idea is along these same lines.
8. J.T. said the following at 2:13 PM on Nov 28:
I think that people who know that God is calling them to a life of sold-out reckless abandonment to celibate service to Him should be learning at they go. (You can't really prepare for that the same way you prepare for marriage and children.)
9. Samuel Sutter said the following at 2:24 PM on Nov 28:
Living a life in the already-but-not-yet is tough at any level. Who would build a tower without first at least sitting down and calculating the cost? (to paraphrase Jesus). But the only thing worse than being blind to the future is being blind to the present. The chief end of man is... more than to just get married. I worry that sometimes singles are so excited about the life-climax of marriage that they miss what God has for us here and now.
10. obewan said the following at 2:30 PM on Nov 28:
I hope by "celibate christian service" you mean "lay" service as well as "full time Christian service". I think the Bible is clear on the priesthood of individual believers, and my take on that is that we are ALL called to FULL TIME Christian service regardless of where our paycheck comes from.
As for me, I can not have kids, so how does that play in? The one woman I almost became engaged to at age 35 broke up with me over the issue. Now I am faced with a Christian singles group where (exactly) 37 out of 40 women are divorced. I suppose I could always pursue one of the two widows if I want to marry a woman 10-15 years older!
11. Tami said the following at 2:36 PM on Nov 28:
I recently read Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' "Love and Respect." I'm prone not to read the "Christian bestsellers," but this one was very instructive. Though technically for married couples, the book offers a lot of information that's valid for improving your relationship and communication skills *before* you get married.
12. Ted Slater said the following at 2:40 PM on Nov 28:
obewan -- yes, I definitely affirm lay service as well as "full time Christian service," for the reasons you provide.
13. Rachael said the following at 3:04 PM on Nov 28:
Thanks for the reminder that we should prepare as we go. Reminds me of the idea to "hustle as you wait" (Elizabeth Elliot?). Anyway. I think even if we don't end up getting married but want to, it can be worthwhile to 'prepare' (to some extent) because it is good for character-building, and also we might be able to use some of our 'preparations' (ie. skills/Biblical knowledge) with other people we cross paths with.
14. Mandi said the following at 3:16 PM on Nov 28:
Ted and Ashleigh -- congrats on the baby en route! God bless your family, and grant you an "easy hour" (of childbirth), as we say in Arabic.
Re: preparation...I agree with you, Ted. I just wish there was something that could have prepared me for married life without a job (or prospects for one, in a transitional small city), and obviously without a baby (only having been married 2 months). Only so many chores to do in such a small apt. Nothing prepared me for the intellectual deadness I feel, or the nagging feeling that I've got talents that God gave me that I can't use now.
15. Kit said the following at 4:28 PM on Nov 28:
Mandi,
What's your field? Could you start up your own business? :-)
16. Kellie said the following at 4:30 PM on Nov 28:
I think being prepared is good...but it still takes living it to figure it out. And one can obcess about the future, so I think a balance is needed. It's important to enjoy and focus on the present!!
17. Kit said the following at 4:30 PM on Nov 28:
Good post, and true. Many young people (especially those married very young) fail to see that marriage will not be rosy and pink all the time. It's a good thing to think these things early, and prepare.
18. BDB said the following at 5:41 PM on Nov 28:
Mandi wrote:
>> Nothing prepared me for the intellectual deadness I feel, or the nagging feeling that I've got talents that God gave me that I can't use now.<<
Ha! I once filled a key position using that theory. I've got an office way out by itself in the desert near Edwards Air Force Base. I thought to myself, "I'll bet some really smart engineer has a really smart wife bored out of her mind stuck in the desert." So I wrote up a recruiting ad for the newspaper aimed at that "demographic."
Sure enough, I got someone really good who had followed her husband around in the Navy. She was used to running large things, her kids were grown. Now she's running an office for me! Doing a great job at it, too.
It helps that I had the flexibility to structure the position to pay more than, say, a manager at the other employers in town, like KFC, A&W, McDonald's...
19. Patricia2ndPoster said the following at 5:49 PM on Nov 28:
I think being prepared is good, however,I have a couple of questions that also nag me. How can people discern whether or not they wlil marry and should all people prepare for this since not all will either have children or marry? I'm also wondering how different preparing for marriage is from living a Christian life. The Bible compares the husband/wife relationship to Jesus' relationship to me so it seems that if Christians are striving to become servants of other members of the body, they will also be preparing themselves for marriage.
20. Christine said the following at 5:57 PM on Nov 28:
I don't mean this to be at all argumentative, but where is the line between preparing for marriage and striving to be content?
I had always wanted to get married after college, but that didn't work out. Now, I have recently finished an MA and am still single. I still would love to be married, but I have to live the life that I currently have and that life has absolutely no romantic prospects.
I guess I'm asking if you think that there is a point in which preparing for marriage becomes obsessing over it or if you think that that is possible. In college, I was told that I talked too much about wanting to be married and that that was why I wasn't asked out much.
21. Monique said the following at 9:03 PM on Nov 28:
BDB, I live near George Air Force Base too. Small world.
Recently I got engaged and we are getting ready to start pre-marital counseling. The pastor requires us to read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. I can honestly say that I am so glad I get to be this informed about the reality of marriage before I get there.
One of the great things Gary says is that marriage is a perfect way to teach us how to be Christ-like. Imagine getting to heaven after 70 years of that kind of training!
22. Monique said the following at 9:06 PM on Nov 28:
BDB< I meant Edwards:)
23. sarah said the following at 9:53 PM on Nov 28:
Hi Ted. Good blog on preparing for marriage.
What do you think of the excuse or the common reasoning of today's culture that a man must first establish himself and get his own life in order before he seeks a wife? Often, I hear men in their late twenties and thirties saying this.
24. Mandi said the following at 6:41 AM on Nov 29:
Kit -- I'm a lawyer by training. Everyone seems to think (as I did) that that gives you limitless possibilities. I've learned in the 3 years since getting my licence that it doesn't. When I lived in a large urban city before getting married, I was constantly told that I was too junior to take legal jobs and overqualified to take non-legal jobs. The problem has only exasperated since moving to a temporary place until my papers are done so I can move to my husband's original hometown.
BDB -- I kind of take offence to what I perceive to be your attitude towards me by starting off your response the way you did.
25. Charlotte said the following at 7:26 AM on Nov 29:
It seems to me that we are drawing too clear a distinction between being a Godly wife and being a Godly woman. My aim is to become a woman who reflects God's glory, but in my pursuit to do so, I develop qualities that may one day become utilised in the specific context of marriage. Men, this applies to you too but I can only speak from personal experience so I'm talking mainly with regards to women.
I don't practise hospitality because one day I may become a wife and I need to practise for this, I do so because it blesses and serves those around me and shows them something of the love of God. Yes, my hope is that one day I will do this in the context of a family of my own, however the fact that this is valuable preparation for marriage is secondary to the fact that to practise hospitality is a biblical concept of much importance. The reason I want to learn to honour others above myself is not because 'one day I'll have to have that attitude with my husband' but because it's one of the values of God's heart and I want my whole life to reflect that. The hope that this will be utilised within the context of marriage is secondary, which, may I stress, does not decrease it's value or importance in any way, but it does means that my focus is not specifically preparation for my future husband but that of becoming a woman who reflects God's glory and lives in a way that honours him.
Perhaps our focus should be less about 'becoming a Godly wife' than it is about 'becoming a Godly woman' - it seems to me that the former is context specific and the latter is a state that ensures God's glory is reflected in any circumstances.
Any thoughts?
26. Melissa said the following at 8:48 AM on Nov 29:
I've stopped thinking along the lines of "where do I see myself in 10 years," because honestly, I just do not know. Only the Father knows, and it seems that he usually chooses not to reveal it to us 10 years in advance (I'm sure this is pure mercy!).
All throughout high school, I had inclinations towards pursuing a medical degree. But, being a woman, I also strongly desired marriage and children. Therefore, even though I had the intelligence and drive to pursue medicine, I opted not to, the reason being I was SURE I would be married by the age of 22 or 23. Why incur hundreds of thousands in debt and endure 12 years of school and internship, only to give up my medical practice when I wanted to be a stay at home mom?
For those reasons, I pursued an arts degree in music and waited expectantly for God to present me to the right husband.
10 years passes quickly. I am now 28, and still no prospects in sight. I have spent many hours in these past years wondering whether or not I made the right decision. I have spent many more obsessing about the reality that I wasn't married despite the fact that it's what I've been praying, expecting and preparing for since I was 16 years old.
So, the point in all of this is, I can't guarantee that I will ever be married on earth. But I know that I will be married for eternity, as part of the corporate bride, to the most desirable and honorable Bridegroom one could ever hope for. In preparing to meet Him, fostering my intimacy with Him and learning to love him with my whole life, how much more prepared will I be should Adonai choose to send me an earthly husband? I think this is where our focus should lie.
27. Carrie said the following at 9:13 AM on Nov 29:
Christine, I've wondered the same thing myself. I always wonder when I'll know I'm content rather than just feeling content for the moment. I think the key is to have goals. For instance, right now I'd like to become a massage therapist. I'll need to go back to school. So, right now I'm focusing on staying out of debt, making sure I can save money, and figuring out which program to enroll in. Yes, there are men that still give me butterflies and distract me momentarily. In my commute to work I often wonder "What if . . .??". However, I'm not focusing on the "what ifs" right now. Yes, I want to get married, but recently I've been reminded in some not so subtle ways that I need to be faithful where I am at right now. I think that I'm making strides in the whole contentment department. Yes, I get distracted from time to time, but I think part of being content is not getting distracted from other things you want to accomplish. I think some women take it to an extreme ("I'll only date men who want to be missionaries!") and I hope I don't fall into that category.
So, I would encourage women to set goals, but be flexible at the same time. Don't dictate to God what can and cannot be done with your life.
28. Tami said the following at 9:32 AM on Nov 29:
Monique (and anyone else interested) -- Thomas' "Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of their Husbands" is very good as well.
BTW Boundless folks, I'll take this opportunity to thank you so much for Thomas' recent article. It was absolutely excellent, one of the best and most encouraging things I've read on your site.
Charlotte - that was aptly written, and I very much agree. Developing Christlike character is indeed our ultimate goal. And as we "work out our salvation" bearing these things in mind, our efforts are never wasted, even if God chooses not to bring us to husbands.
So I can trust that even if I never get married, the knowledge that I've been gleaning from these marital relationship books I've been reading lately will help me somehow. :P
29. BDB said the following at 10:58 AM on Nov 29:
Mandi wrote:
>>I kind of take offence to what I perceive to be your attitude towards me by starting off your response the way you did.<<
Goodness - sorry - no offense intended. That was an expression that I understand where you're coming from. It's just that it's a pretty common situation in relatively small towns. It's not at all unusual for one spouse to feel that they're not using their full talents when they follow another spouse to a new place. Frankly, people who get laid off from their jobs feel the same way - they suddenly go from being urgently in demand to no one seeming to need their intellectual contribution. We've had some layoffs here recently (including my boss, unfortunately) and he kind of feels the same way you describe.
Of course, as I've worked with him on his resume, we also realized that there's a ton of nonprofits who would LOVE to have his skills. He's only 2 years from retirement, he can afford to do pretty much what he wants as far as work for the next couple of years. And since he and I have such extensive volunteer experience, our entire identity is not tied to this job. My last day is tomorrow. And I'm really glad I did a lot more than work.
When I run into people who feel that their intellectual talents are not being fully used, I try to quickly get them hooked up with some kind of volunteer opportunity. In fact, many people enjoy volunteering because they get a lot of satisfaction from seeing their contribution mean something; a lot of people don't feel their contribution at work makes any difference.
As an employer, I tried very hard to make sure I designed jobs with enough intellectual challenge to attract and hold good people. It does take some thought to design jobs that can be flexible enough to be compatible with motherhood. But there are so many challenges that cry out for talent.
I'm confident that God prepares people for future assignments, even though sometimes when He is preparing us, it doesn't make any sense. In the blink of an eye, something new can open up, and we find that God had been preparing us for that all along. My new job requires a range of skills that I thought was kind of a mottled mess, but it turns out to fit exactly what these new folks had been praying for. So, Mandi, I will pray that God brings an opportunity to you that fits what He has prepared you for.
30. BDB said the following at 11:02 AM on Nov 29:
Monique wrote:
>>BDB< I meant Edwards:)<<
Thanks for clarifying. I was thinking, "In Victorville? It's closed now, isnt' it?"
31. BDB said the following at 11:14 AM on Nov 29:
Mandi wrote:
>>Kit -- I'm a lawyer by training. Everyone seems to think (as I did) that that gives you limitless possibilities.<<
Oohh...now I know how to deploy those skills. I know lots of people with legal education, who passed the bar, and who do lots of other stuff. They bring legal analysis to what they do, the same way I bring financial analysis to what I do when I volunteer. I serve on the board of a nonprofit with some lawyers, bankers, etc. We all bring something different to the table.
I don't know what your overall calling is, but have you thought about grant-writing? Most law schools teach students to write very well. Most grants - especially government grants - are very complicated. I almost takes a lawyer to figure out what is and is not acceptable. I have some public policy coursework in graduate school, but even I find it hard.
On your own with a computer, you could build up a competency in this area, and figure out how to apply for grants. Then, wherever you land, you can match up with a nonprofit that needs funding. By the time you finish your transitional period, you'll know exactly what type of nonprofit to look for that can effectively use those grants.
Frankly, my new job is going to work for someone I knew from my church and nonprofit board responsibilities. Most nonprofits can't pay full price for full service, but it's a great way to grow your experience, and they are very thankful for the help. Then you can turn that experience right around into job opportunities later. The first time I got promoted to a managerial role, the only thing I could put on the table was all my experience supervising community service projects and volunteers. It's no accident that God led me to a boss with extensive volunteer experience who recognized the skills. That's happened twice now, come to think of it.
32. NeedACatchyName said the following at 1:05 PM on Nov 29:
I realize I've been somewhat critical of a lot of the marriage/relationship posts on Boundless lately, so let me just say this was a good one that really got me thinking. Good job Ted.
I think for me, the problem is that I've always tended to think that "preparing for marriage" involved getting to a stage in life where you could get married. In other words, I tended to think that if a Christian guy:
1) Wants to get married
2) Has a stable job that can support a wife
3) Has a "stable life situation" (reasonably debt free and no major "baggage")
4) Is committed as a Christan and involved with a church
Then he's ready for marriage. And, I reasoned, that since I was those things, then I must be ready for marriage. Unfortunately, it's not just about preparing your life circumstances, but preparing your heart, which is why the above criteria, do not necessarily prepare a man for marriage. Furthermore, maturity is more than just the things listed above (though the points listed are a big part of it), so it's possible to have all of the traits listed above and still be immature.
This may be somewhat off-topic, but I think it goes well with a post on preparing for marriage and relationships. I was having a conversation with a group of guys and girls my age, and the question came up as to what some of us guys who weren't having any success in attracting females could do to help us become more attractive options as potential suitors. The one thing that every girl agreed was helpful was to have married friends and older friends. In other words, don't just hang out with your single young adult friends. They all agreed that very few things make a guy come across as more mature than being able to make friends and relate to married couples, especially if they're substantially older than you. And I think there's a lot of truth to this, especially because so many guys our age (and although I really hate stereotyping things into "guy problems" and "girl problems," I'll be the first to admit that in my experience this is primarily a guy problem) only seem to be comfortable relating to other single adults, and seem bored or uncomfortable when relating to married couples and older folks on a friendship level. Thoughts?
33. BDB said the following at 4:52 PM on Nov 29:
NeedACatchyName wrote:
>>and seem bored or uncomfortable when relating to married couples and older folks on a friendship level. Thoughts?<<
Yes, I'd agree with that.
It works in reverse, too. It seems that pretty much the only people who've consistently been in my church home groups are married couples about 20+ years older than me. It's a much different environment than, say, single guys at a sports bar.
At the same time, single women who are used to single guys at the sports bar don't know what to do with themselves around churchgoing guys with older married friends. Being a sorority chick isn't a good fit for some reason.
34. Monique said the following at 6:08 PM on Nov 29:
BDB< side topic from the real one going on here, but George is operational. They train for combat there. :)
35. Rachael said the following at 7:45 PM on Nov 29:
Charlotte,
Thanks for the comment. Well said, and a nice reminder.
36. Britta said the following at 8:54 PM on Nov 29:
Hmmmmm, my two cents that I think sums up a few things that have been floating around in my mind as I read this post, and comments. When/if I am married, I'm not "getting" a husband, but instead "becoming" a wife. Marriage isn't a large, human shaped package to open and play with to one's heart's desire. The same can be said for men.....not "getting" a wife, but "becoming" a husband. I sometimes find myself thinking about marriage in ways that are really all about me, not about how marriage is to serve God, and to serve a spouse before as a person I am served. It acts as a good reminder that marriage is to be healthy, Biblical and not just about my needs/wants for the moment.
Ted, good post, thank you.
37. BDB said the following at 8:26 PM on Nov 30:
Monique
Well, I guess I was mostly thinking about how the airport is available for civilian use now. I've heard about some companies that are moving in. But I do remember driving by and seeing all those abandoned houses. I guess they turned it into an urban combat training center. How interesting.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_California_Logistics_Airport
38. Kristal said the following at 7:08 PM on Dec 4:
I was recently thinking along the same lines as what Charlotte expressed. As I've been learning about marriage, I try to put some of the things I learn into practice, like staying in shape. And then, I was getting discouraged, thinking, "Why am I working to stay in shape for my future husband? What if I never get married?" Then, I felt like God reminded me that I really have a responsibility to take care of my body for Him. And etc. on other things we might do in the spirit of preparing for marriage. So, I think that it's really helpful to remember that ultimately, we're trying to serve and glorify God, becoming people that reveal His character to the world. And so our efforts to become beautiful (whether on the inside or the outside), etc., are not a waste, whether or not we get married. The ultimate purpose is to glorify God.