Looking Narcissism in the Face(book)
by Denise Morris on 11/01/2007 at 5:30 PM
Hello, my name is Denise. And I'm addicted to Facebook.
I published an article today that talks about my "addiction" and how it has shown me just how narcissistic I am. It's kind of an issue.
Although I don't think Facebook or Myspace are inherently wrong, I've recently realized that I spend so much of my time trying to promote myself through what's on my profile page:
When I put up new pictures, I want everyone to see them and comment on me and my ostensibly fascinating life. My status updates either need to share something super interesting that I'm doing or be extremely funny. I sometimes write on people's walls so that they'll write on mine, and my favorite quotes are carefully planned out — they either need to demonstrate what a deep thinker I am or my fabulous sense of humor. And don't even get me started on the stresses of choosing a profile picture — it'll give me an ulcer.
I'm guessing my issue isn't unique. I think a lot of us indulge in the self-promotion aspect of social networking sites, whether we realize it or not.
Another thing I've noticed is that Facebook is a really good place for us to recognize the inconsistencies between what we say and what we do:
Another issue that even a cursory glance at Facebook makes clear is that a lot of people are just plain stupid when it comes to what they put on their profiles. Underage college students are busy posting pictures of themselves at last night's kegger, or photos of them posing with friends at the concert they went to the night they were supposed to be working at the university call center. Not smart. And then these same people have the gall to get offended when they're called out on their behavior.
Where does this discrepancy come from? I think many of us unknowingly hold to a view that allows us to separate what we believe from what we do. Now, no one is perfect, and we're not always going to follow-through by acting out our beliefs. We will fail at times. But something in my mindset seems to allow me to say by biggest desire is to serve the Lord, but spend most of my days thinking about and entertaining myself.
Anyway, I'm not deleting my Facebook profile or anything. It's just been interesting to realize how much of my worldview can be recognized through something as simple as a social networking site.
What about you all? Are you addicted? What are some of the positives and negatives of social networking?
1. Christina said the following at 6:02 PM on Nov 1:
I think Facebook is useful for getting groups together quickly for a common cause -- such as the surprise birthday parties we threw last week for three of our friends. However, I loosen Facebook's hold on me by only visiting the site when I receive a notification email (with a link inside). I've even blocked my own browser from www.facebook.com. This prevents me from surfing Facebook for hours on end. I don't like Myspace and refuse to join :-P.
2. Adam T. said the following at 6:20 PM on Nov 1:
Heh.
I don't like Facebook... I don't even have an account, but for a different reason: I don't *like* people being able to keep track of me.
Still:
"and my favorite quotes are carefully planned out — they either need to demonstrate what a deep thinker I am or my fabulous sense of humor."
I used to post on a Christian web forum... I loved it there (I had more than 10000 posts!) and still go back once in a while, but *one* of the reasons I decided to get away from it was exactly what you're getting at here. I found myself spending so much time - not necessarily intentionally or consciously, though sometimes it was - trying to portray a certain 'image' of myself. I'd emphasize certain facts about myself, and de-emphasize or hide others.
You know those emails people send around - the 'fill in the answers to these questions so I can learn about you' ones? Well, of course they're going to be tailored (maybe subconsciously) to portray the image that the person *wants* you to have of them. I've become convinced that what a person reveals about themself on the internet reveals a lot about the person's personality because it shows you what sort of person they *want* you to think they are.
Because of this, I've become dubious about the value of internet-forged relationships. Not that I think deep friendships can't happen, but when you can pretend your weaknesses don't exist simply by not revealing them, it's harder to develop the vulnerability that friendship requires.
3. DannieA said the following at 7:01 PM on Nov 1:
I set my profile to private....so the whole world doesn't see me...but I do say that I have reconnected with some people that I"m glad I did.
Other than that, my life is more interesting outside the computer realm. LOL (talking about narcissism)
4. Jan said the following at 7:06 PM on Nov 1:
I haven't gotten involved in any of these social networking websites. When a friend invites me to join I politely decline. I already have enough distractions in life.
A year ago I read a news article that said employers will often look up the profiles of potential employees to see if they are worth hiring. Some of the employers said they would reject an applicant if they saw something they didn't like.
5. Danette said the following at 8:40 PM on Nov 1:
I'm not addicted to facebook in that way- though admittedly I waste too much time on the site... it's a good distraction when I really don't want to do homework- to look and see what my friends from camp are up to, or what activities InterVarsity is planning, or other such things- and to leave a note on someone's wall to encourage them- especially when some of my friends set their status messages to indicate that they're having a really hard day.
Honestly, I've not really fought with the type of problem you've talked about having with facebook- I just go into it intending to communicate with friends, and be encouraging and have fun keeping up with them. Since it's one of the only ways I have to be in contact with a couple of them, it's really nice to have! (and my summer camp let everyone know when their staff gatherings were going to be, by setting up a facebook event- almost all the camp staff members- all the summer staff and some of the permanent staff as well!, have accounts.)
The thought of employers checking facebook- it makes a lot of sense- and if my employer looked at mine- it really wouldn't scare me. I know some people who would need to be VERY scared, though...
It probably also helps me to keep my content fairly professional looking, that my mom and several of my aunts and cousins are all on facebook- so anything I wouldn't want to display to my mother doesn't belong on there.
6. jess said the following at 9:34 PM on Nov 1:
I started with facebook then got a myspace account to keep track of various friends from high school, college, travels, etc. My fiance & I recently discussed how much time we dedicate to surfing these two sites. So we took a leave of absence for a few months just to see the affect on our time & dependence. I noticed that I use it for a way to de-stress from the day but the wasted time doesn't actually refresh me. I'm not sure what conclusion we'll reach when we end our fast at Thanksgiving time. We may do away with them both...
7. Ken said the following at 10:12 PM on Nov 1:
I believe Joshua Harris of Covenant Life Church commented on his use of Facebook and why he decided to cancel his account.
Worth looking up as I remember him having some valid points.
While I haven't canceled my account yet myself, I still find it a major time blackhole whenever I'm using it. But it has allowed me to reconnect with those I would never have found otherwise.
8. Kit said the following at 10:28 PM on Nov 1:
I think FB is a good thing in moderation. LIke several other posters, I only have it set to private. It allows me to send emails or retrieve an address/phone number when I need to, easily and without calling Jack-Jon-Kate-Lyss-Lisa just to get one phone number, and it allows people to set up group meetings or things like that fairly easily.
9. Lydia said the following at 11:10 PM on Nov 1:
Thank you for this post! I have long felt this way about facebook, that it's just one, big self-promotion. I do not have an account and have never attempted to create one, yet I know a lot about it because almost every one of my friends has a profile.
No matter how good your intentions are for joining, I believe facebook brings out the voyeuristic aspect of our being that is innate; we are naturally inclined to be curious, sometimes morbidly so, about aspects of other people's lives--hence why we gossip. Also, I am not very impressed when people share information about themselves promiscuously. Even things as mundane as your favorite movie or what high school you went to is something that used to take multiple conversations before they are discovered. Not anymore.
While I recognize how facebook can help you re-connect/stay connected with people, there are many other ways, just as efficient, people can communicate. Being facebook-free, I've discovered that if someone is supposed to be drawn back into your life, it will happen naturally--unexpectedly!--through the hands of God.
disclaimer:
It is precisely because I recognize the negative qualities facebook elicits in me (while surfing around with my friend on her profile) that I am adamantly opposed to being on it. There are certain things you just don't want to foster/indulge in.
10. Loris said the following at 8:03 AM on Nov 2:
I don't blame employers for checking networking sites one little bit. They often contain the unflattering truth. That said, when I went looking for my last job, I carefully looked through my Facebook profile and removed anything that could remotely disqualify me--that was hard, since I don't know what the managers would be looking for.
11. Christine said the following at 8:17 AM on Nov 2:
I still have my Facebook account, but it's pretty barebones. I used to spend a lot of time on it, but now I just check it briefly and haven't updated my profile in weeks.
I too have read that employers will check these sites (and have had an application point blank ask if I have an account!) and have really tried to make my account something that I would not be ashamed to have anyone see (my pastor is one of my "friends" on there, so that helps!).
All in all - I'm glad I have an account because it's reconnected me with several people I haven't seen since high school. But, I do see how it can be a huge waste of time and an outlet for narcissism. It's up to the individual to set boundaries and follow them.
12. Amir Larijani said the following at 8:39 AM on Nov 2:
I have a myspace profile (kg4fqq), which I use for my alternate blog. I have a few pictures there, but I'm not very anal about updating them with new ones.
I have other friends who are on myspace, which is probably why I chose to add a profile. Honestly, for meeting people online--not necessarily dating--AOL was one of the better forums.
On the other hand, for pursuing marriage, I'd say there are no perfect cyber-routes. I have an eHarmony account, and am dating someone whom I met via eHarmony. She has a very good chance with me--as good as can be after only three dates--but, at the end of the day, even eHarmony is a step above blind dating.
As for myspace (or facebook) fueling narcissism, it is certainly possible, but that is possible with any part of the Internet. AOL home pages, angelfire, juno, etc. used to fuel the same fire that Blogger, myspace, and facebook do today.
People will use those media for better or worse. On the positive side, they provide networking for folks like me who are not a part of large social networks that allow for meeting people. On the negative side, they allow for narcissists to expand their envelopes.
The Internet is like firearms. The object is not the problem; it's the character of the person using it.
13. nikki said the following at 9:22 AM on Nov 2:
I have noticed the tendency to carefully construct quotes and other "likes" on facebook to reflect a certain version of who I am. But anymore, I do that to reflect who I really am, because I am not so insecure as I used to be. I like using Facebook because I can stay in touch with people I couldn't have otherwise, and I can see details of my friends' lives (even friends I see all the time) that I wouldn't have otherwise. I don't really spend that much time on it, but I do really like seeing other peoples' stuff. I could stay on there forever just looking at pictures. Anyways, I don't think there needs to be this moral issue injected into the facebook site. Honestly, there will always be someone who is morally opposed to anything in the world. Sure, Facebook can be a waste of time, and it can be used to promote arrogance and it can be deceptive. But it doesn't have to be any of those. I like that my friends "promote themselves" (if you must call it that), because I like reading about their lives and what's happening. And of course they enjoy the same with me. It's not a big deal. Not everything has to be turned into a moral issue.
14. DannieA said the following at 9:42 AM on Nov 2:
Hey Danette:
I can't believe there is another one! That's my name too....Dannie is just my nickname.
I don't run into Danette's very often...
15. Justice said the following at 11:19 AM on Nov 2:
Denise,
I think you are just a woman... all women I've met are like this on these sites, no joke, so maybe it's not that complicated, I just found the reason!
16. Jessica said the following at 11:23 AM on Nov 2:
I think social networking sites can be useful for social networking. I have an OpenDiary, a Facebook, a MySpace.. and I use all of them to keep in touch with people I would never see or hear about otherwise because our busy lives led or lead us in different directions. I don't like how it takes the personal communication out of friendships - sometimes I regret that my friends first hear new news about me by reading a blog entry, but usually it just gives us something to talk about later, and I post those for myself and so people who care about me can know what's going on in my life... and sometimes to share lessons I've learned and how God is working in my life. I think these kind of sites can really be used to bring God glory if we don't let them rule us and become bogged down in them. Spending too much time online can depress ANYONE though - we need that one-to-one contact with 'REAL' people. So the potential for bad is there. It's not wrong to have a glass of wine, but it's wrong to get drunk. In the same way I think it's not wrong to 'social network' online, but it's wrong to be overly concerned with it. It's just a temporary thing..
17. Jessica said the following at 11:26 AM on Nov 2:
One other point - social networking sites do leave a lot of room for people to find information about you that you may not want them knowing. You have to use them wisely. On MySpace and Facebook, you have to be my friend to see personal pictures, read my blogs, comments, etc., or see any of my personal info (where I've worked, etc.), and if you're my friend on those sites, I generally KNOW you in real life, and, just for those I don't know or just in case someone in my friends leaves their account logged in at the public library or something, I am still careful about how much information I give. I don't want any freak from online showing up on my doorstep unless I invited them there.
18. Adam Sloope said the following at 1:38 PM on Nov 2:
Great post! The entire time I was reading through it I would give a nod or sound effect of agreement and the occasional smile of laughing at myself as well. You starting your post off by saying Myspace and Facebook are not in themselves bad is a good thing because a lot of things that aren’t bad we can make out to be. I think within the social networking sites like these we start with the intention of meeting people but we somehow arrive at becoming super interested in making us look good. I think it is always healthy to question why you are doing what you are doing, especially in this area. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not alone in feeling like I might devote too much time to facebook.
19. Leah said the following at 11:10 PM on Nov 2:
Facebook has been great for networking and getting back in touch with people I haven't seen in years. I spend more time looking for other people than adjusting my profile.
That said, I was spending too much time on Facebook, but only because I'd added so many games and applications to my profile that it was too much of a distraction. So I got rid of heaps of them, and now I don't get distracted as much.
The only people I'm 'friends' with are real life friends (even some I haven't seen in a few years). My profile is open for public viewing but of course as any Facebooker knows you can't actualy write on someone's profile without being an added friend.
The only friend I have added who I haven't met IRL (in real life) is a fellow Boundless Line poster from the other side of the country! :) (Hi Kat!)
I don't think it's shameless self-promotion like Lydia said. That of course depends on what you do with the page. But if you go onto mine, you're more likely to find out that I have recently "thrown a cow" at a friend, or added photos of the camp I went on a few weeks ago, or "called Joel Wight a waggish, cup-shotten jack-a-nape!" on the Shakespearean Insult Generator, than find out what I've been doing. My quotes are not deep and insightful, they are ones that made me laugh and I think might make others laugh.
That said, I hate it when I go onto someone's profile and there's pretty much no info about them.
Like Christine said, it should be something you're not ashamed for anyone to see. Two of my uni staffworkers with the Christian group on campus are my facebook friends. I am not kidding when I say most of my friends- and I mean normal, close, every-day friends- are on Facebook. It adds another dimension to our friendships... being able to send each other virtual fish to fill your aquarium, or dedicate songs to one another, or play each other on online Scrabble. And of course, you can find friends you've lost contact with!
20. Jorden said the following at 12:16 AM on Nov 3:
Yeah,I see how you can "construct" yourself a certain way online,but I've been on the internet for 6 years now and just got my Myspace last year and facebook this year. I enjoy using them and there is a black-hole of some sorts. But I'm glad that I tend to stay true to myself for the most part on the networking sites,and not care what other people think. I just put up what I want and not care if someone thinks I'm odd. If they have a problem it's their fault :P.
21. David said the following at 8:26 AM on Nov 3:
I'm addicted to boundless.org! Is that a bad thing? :-) Yes, facebook is pretty cool and can be addicting, but with anything, you must make sure that you use it for God's glory, not your own.
God bless you guys and gals at boundless! Keep the great articles coming!
22. Marc said the following at 3:11 PM on Nov 3:
Yes, I am apart of the Facebook network. And yes, I do like to check-in on my profile fairly often.
To protect myself (and my other "Friends"), I do notadd just anybody to my "Friends" list. If I know you or knew you from way back when, I'll add you. If you're some guy (or gal) from Germany who wants to be my "Friend", I will not add you because I don't know anyone from Germany.
In short, Facebook is cool, but it can also be a breeding-ground for stupidity, as Denise's article points out.
23. Frances said the following at 7:36 PM on Nov 3:
I joined facebook my junior year of college because an academic club required it necessary. I regret that I check facebook often for no reason. I have found Facebook is becoming the main means of communication for some people on the same campus. My friend recently was asked for a date over facebook! As for long-distance friends, it has actually hindered my friendships. In conclusion, facebook is a networking tool that has almost become necessary for academic and club participation.
24. TN1 said the following at 5:36 PM on Nov 4:
I'm addicted. I fully admit it. I even put the link to the article on my profile!
25. Lydia said the following at 8:59 PM on Nov 4:
Leah,
I apologize, I didn't mean to imply that everyone is on facebook to shamelessly self-promote. I know many people do have accounts that accurately describe themselves and simply like networking in a more community-based space.
That being said, I have a couple questions for you: why do you hate it when someone's account has virtually no info? Do you think that's worse than having too much? Just curious...
26. kman said the following at 8:45 AM on Nov 5:
What happened to sending emails out to friends? ;) Or a phone call?
Most of what happens in my life isn't worthy of a running update to be honest.
Oh that my life were so fascinating! LOL