Letting Go
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 11/02/2007 at 10:37 AM
In response to "Trusting God with Relationships, Part 6," Christine asks:
Do you have any additional thoughts on how to be content in singleness in this circumstance: A former serious beau has moved on to another relationship...or gotten married. So tough! It's hard not to feel left behind....
Several months ago, I read this article at Christianity Today. I didn't blog about it, because I didn't know how to feel about it. It's a sad story with lots of loose ends. Still, I related to it. The author recounts her uncertainties while dating a guy who seemed like a great fit:
Despite the fact I'd met him at church on Valentine's Day, that he made me laugh and feel beautiful, that he loved God and his family, I still felt uncertain about moving toward marriage with this terrific guy.
I asked married friends what they felt before they got hitched. They all responded with some rendition of "I just knew he was the one," a feeling conspicuously absent in all my thinking and overanalyzing. I even met with a Christian counselor, who confirmed I wasn't a commitment-phobe. I prayed—no, pleaded—with God for direction. And when I was met with silence and a lack of peace for months on end, I slowly, excruciatingly let this relationship go.
She describes how she later saw this guy in a furniture store with another woman. She felt the pang of loss -- a touch of "what if?" And then:
About a month ago, I had another "chance" encounter, this time with a woman from my Bible study. We were chatting about work when she casually mentioned she knew Andrew. She'd even dated him briefly. She still saw him on occasion at work and knew he'd just gotten married a few weeks before.
I stood there in stunned silence, an odd mixture of grief and peace washing over me. It was the clarity of a closed door and the loneliness of an empty horizon all at once. And I stood amazed at the way God had orchestrated this answer to my prayer. While it wasn't a confirmation that the past decision to let Andrew go was absolutely God's will, it was a peace with which to look to the future. And, I've learned, sometimes that's all we can hope for.
Claire's tale leaves us hanging. I get the feeling she believes she may have made a mistake. It reminded me of the importance of being thorough in relationship decisions. Ask God to help you walk through relationships in such a way that you either marry the person or part ways with no regrets. In other words, be prepared to accept the consequences (good or bad) of your decisions. And when it becomes clear that person is now not for you -- when they pursue and marry someone else -- accept that reality and ask the Lord to comfort you and help you to renew your resolve to be faithful. As Claire says, "God once again proved he's there, listening, caring about my future. These truths will be welcome company no matter what the future holds."
1. Tami said the following at 11:11 AM on Nov 2:
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OTOH, you never know what's going to happen. Obviously, if the person gets married, there's no chance. But if the person’s still around, and you’re still around, and you pray and seek the Lord and the door’s still open (i.e. it hasn’t been “shut” by the other person getting married), keep praying. God will help you -- either by calming your spirit or showing you what you need to do to repair the relationship.
God is merciful; He may be giving you a second chance. But you need to be absolutely obedient to what He asks you to do, or you'll end up in the same place you were before.
On another note -- am I the only one who finds CT's articles discouraging? They seem to talk a LOT about the joys of singleness with this heavy tone of resignation under the surface. The articles written by guys seem to be more optimistic than the ones written by women, and 90% of the "sad breakup" and "how I spend my special occasions without a mate" stories are from women.
2. Katie (the other one) said the following at 11:24 AM on Nov 2:
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I can kind of relate to the author's experience. I had a really close friend who I had pictured myself marrying. We had a really great friendship, and we kept it going even while I was away at school across the country. I had even told myself that when I came home after graduation, I was going to tell him how I felt (it had always seemed like he felt the same way about me).
Well, as it turned out, he started dating a girl and didn't tell me until later. Then at one point we just stopped talking. About 2 weeks after my graduation, he was engaged. I was upset that I hadn't said something sooner, and I, too, felt like I had missed my chance. But, I realized later that as much as I thought we would have made a good match, we wouldn't have.
Thankfully, God has given me a boyfriend who loves me in ways that the other guy never could have because he knows me so much better. He had been my faithful best friend for 6 years, and I had never really thought of him as more. But every moment has been beautiful. I'm not sure yet if we are going to get married (God is teaching me to take things as they come), but I know that I would absolutely love to be with him for the rest of my life. I don't think I every really had anything like that feeling about the other guy.
Sometimes what we want isn't what we need, and we have to be reminded (sometimes it's painful) that God knows what we need.
3. Jennifer E. Jones said the following at 11:29 AM on Nov 2:
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As I've seen several friends change their marital status over the years, they all essentially said the same thing to me: "Once I found my spouse, it finally explained why all the others didn't pan out."
If you believe in destiny and that God has someone designed just for you, then your efforts in dating will fail until you meet that person. And if you follow the "God Bless the Broken Road" principle, then technically, all these romantic casualties are meant to point you towards your future mate.
Now, you can avoid a lot of heartache by listening to the Holy Spirit and being aware of red flags early on before you get tangled up with the person. For Claire, I think the lack of peace about the relationship was a big sign.
Breaking up is tough, and it's insult to injury when you see that person run off into the arms of someone else. However, you've got to find rest in this sage advice: "One day, this will all make sense."
~jen
4. Laura said the following at 12:09 PM on Nov 2:
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Suzanne, I agree. But I'm not sure it's possible to get out with no regrets. Even when you have God's peace that someone wasn't "the one," it still hurts, and you still wonder.
5. DannieA said the following at 12:10 PM on Nov 2:
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I dated a friend of mine....and we were just that, great friends...lousy couple, good friend. I'm actually happy for him now that he's dating someone.
Sometimes it is better in the end...even if we don't see it yet.
6. Adam Sloope said the following at 2:10 PM on Nov 2:
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Communication is the predominant lacking variable in all broken relationships that leave behind such feelings. One party in the split has not communicated clearly with the other so they are left to dream of a fantasy world of what if's. I think clean breaks are nice and the results are either total disconnection with no talking afterwards or a deepened friendship that leaves you fulfilled even if you aren't dating. There is only one girl that I think what if about and that is because I never told her how I truly felt and letter walk away. I had to let God heal in the moments I hear of her dating or possibly being engaged, but the consequence is due to MY action of not communicating openly. Or maybe I'm just a guy and think that everything can be solved in a systematic way (we tend to think this way), I could be completely wrong though.
7. Christina said the following at 2:25 PM on Nov 2:
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This is so difficult because my best friend/ex boyfriend is currently in love with a girl he's known for the longest time (we used to hang out all the time while the guy and I were dating...) He does stuff with her that I had always wanted to do. Its like a constant blow and a reminder that we aren't together anymore. It kinda sucks on occassion.
On the other hand, my first boyfriend is getting married very soon. Though I'm glad its not me, I can definitly understand the aspects of "letting go" and how much it hurts to see others moving on while your still "stuck". It also makes me realize that guys aren't the only ones with ego problems =p
8. Jo said the following at 3:21 PM on Nov 2:
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I can definitely relate to this. In my case it's regarding someone I never dated, but wish I'd given a few more 'signals' to at the right time. There were good reasons why I didn't (none of them connected to him), and I still believe I did the right thing, but before the issues that were stopping me resolved themselves, he found someone else and is now engaged. He still doesn't know, and probably never will, how I felt/feel about him. To be honest I wish he'd hurry up and get married so I'd have the clean break described here.
9. Nancy said the following at 5:48 PM on Nov 2:
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I'm in the exact same position as Jo. The pain is indescribable and often times I still do wonder what would have happened had I told him how I felt. However, it is important to remember that God does all things well. Although painful, He has taught me so much about the depths of my heart, trust, hope, and love. I've even come to learn things about what I desire in a future relationship. I encourage you all to look ahead. These are invaluable lessons that we will take with us into our future relationships and marriages.
10. Adam D said the following at 8:46 PM on Nov 2:
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Is it just me or does any other single Christian guy get scared when Christian women break up perfectly fine relationships because they don't get the "feeling" of God calling them into it or that there just might be someone better.
That being said, I've been a personal witness to seeing girls throw away relationships with perfectly normal and great young Christian men who loved their girlfriends with the intent to marry them. On one occasion the girl's reason was that she was praying about it and honestly felt that God wanted her to break up. Needless to say, the guy she broke up with, who is my great friend, was completely crushed and confused.
I think that this may be yet another reason why single Christian men who are serious minded about marriage are so picky about who they choose because women can easily throw everything away with no warning over a feeling.
11. Mike said the following at 9:18 PM on Nov 2:
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The thought that comes to my mind always is how badly we all need love. I know thats why when a relationship ends or doesn't work out as "planned" it just hurts and we're left with the what ifs? I guess in the past I've tried to remember Cor 13 idea of self sacrificing love. I know we've all probably read it a thousand times, but sometimes the self sacrifice in loving someone is our own ego. I don't mean self-loathing, but just a realization that we don't always know what is best for ourselves in love. Thats why we have fears and regrets and why its so difficult see someone from the past move on. Its the affirmation that only God truly knows the plan for our lives and our loves, not us! I agree with Tami that prayer opens the door for the answer. You may not get exactly what you think or feel you need, but there could be a second chance or a life changing friendship in store. I've been there, and I know its definitely REALLY hard to understand and accept sometimes!
12. J said the following at 9:22 PM on Nov 2:
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I have to agree with Jennifer. If she didn't feel peace, then it wouldn't have been God's will. Doesn't Isaiah say, "You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace"?
13. Fred said the following at 12:52 AM on Nov 3:
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What if it's so blindingly obvious what you should do that God doesn't give you peace because you know what to do anyway? People (myself included) appear to always look for that something extra that gives it a super-spiritual aspect. I mean Judas' replacement was chosen by a roll of the dice.
God doesn't always talk in feelings.
14. Justice said the following at 1:00 AM on Nov 3:
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J,
I'm not quite sure "peace" means anything. People in the occult and new age go on these types of 'feelings' and say its from God. Do you think Jesus had peace when he was sweating blood? Is your quote in context of everyday life or a specific situation?
15. Shawni said the following at 8:19 AM on Nov 3:
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Adam D:
My ex-boyfriend (it's still weird to even say that) gave me every indication that he intended to propose (told me he would have already proposed if he wasn't aware that I needed to know him better first) and then, with absolutely no explanation, told me he "wasn't excited" anymore, and broke up with me.
Girls aren't the only ones who throw everything to the wind based on a "feeling," and leave their former partner hurt and confused.
Mercifully, I was having my own concerns about the relationship, but I was willing to work on them, and he wouldn't even tell me what his were. To be honest, it makes me very reluctant to trust anybody again, no matter how confident in the relationship they act.
16. Carrie said the following at 10:09 AM on Nov 3:
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I'm in agreement with Shawni. Several months back I had a conversation with a male friend about "us". We've never dated, but we were talking about how he felt about me. At one point in the conversation he said "There was something there and then there wasn't". I almost fell off the bench!! I was too taken aback by that statement that I didn't even respond, I just let him keep talking.
Since then, I have been beside myself because he is supposed to be the rational one between the two of us (up until that point I had never witnessed one "emotional" decision that he made, they were always well thought out, carefully considered, and planned. Whereas as I am ruled by emotion and loyalty.) I have sought from God an explanation to this "Wait. Nobody decent has ever said that to me before. What was that?!?! Some kind of cruel joke!?!" I don't know what is going to happen next, but I can back up what Shawni said -- women aren't the only ones who react irrationally to relationships.
17. Tami said the following at 1:57 PM on Nov 3:
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Sometimes, too, God is extending His peace to us, but we're so stuck in our own fears that we don't accept it.
Not saying that's the case for the woman in the article, or for any individual here -- I have no idea. Just saying, for those who have fear as their natural default, a lack of peace -- even when given every possible sign of encouragement -- can reveal a severe lack of trust in God. Only later do we see all we gave up by choosing to fear rather than trust God.
Fearfulness can make *everything* look like a red flag.
18. Jessie said the following at 3:56 PM on Nov 3:
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Letting go and moving on is the hardest thing for me to do right now. Thank you for this post because it really speaks to me where I'm at. I had a very serious friendship with a good Christian guy, but he is unsure about taking it any further than friendship. It hurt me a lot, because I feel like he's holding out for something better. Neither of us are in a relationship right now, but I know I need to move on and stop waiting around for him to change. It's very hard, because we see each other a lot and I like him so much, and he gives me indications that he likes me. Moving on and letting go are areas that I need a LOT of encouragement in right now. I keep praying to the Lord for direction, peace, to change my heart so that I don't feel so strongly about this guy but it seems like the Lord is silent. Maybe He just expects me to get over it and move on, but this issue consumes me at times! Thanks for the post.
19. keightie said the following at 11:01 PM on Nov 3:
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I agree with Adam D. and Fred about the feelings thing. Love supercedes feeling, and if all you have to go on when trying to live in God's will is a "bad feeling" with no tangible circumstances to back it up, any number of the devil's schemes pretty much have free reign to weasel their way into the situation. I'm not sure if this was left intentionally out of the advice offered by those who advocate the "pray and wait for a feeling" method, but you need to search Scripture as well. Like it says in the Casting Crowns song, "I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth your word reveals: that I'm not holding onto you, but you're holding onto me." I think a shift in focus might be in order for those who think that the most important thing in their love life is being happy. It's not. It's just a really good chance to show God how much you're willing to trust and obey him, no matter what.
20. J said the following at 1:16 AM on Nov 4:
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Justice,
Regarding peace, I was referring to a specific scripture verse. It comes from Isaiah 55:12a "For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace..." The preceding verses are talking about seeking the Lord and how God's thoughts/ways are not our thoughts/ways but are higher etc. Therefore, my point is that one of the ways we can tell when God is leading us is that we have peace about a situation. I'm not talking about relying on feelings or emotions, because certainly we can be led astray if we just rely on our emotions, but sometimes you can have a certain peace that something is the right thing to do, or a nagging feeling that something isn't quite right, even if you can't quite place your finger on it. I have been in more than one situation where I haven't had peace about something, and it later turned out that it was for good reason that I didn't have peace.
I think the situation referred to about Jesus sweating blood is not related to what I was talking about. Jesus knew that he was going to be crucified, so that is why he was feeling stressed. He may have had a resolve that this was God's will, but He was also fully human, so naturally, He was most likely feeling apprehensive because He knew it wouldn't be a pleasant experience.
21. RL said the following at 5:55 AM on Nov 4:
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Adam D, thanks for representin'! I believe a large part of this female irrational behavior is from the conditioning by watching "emotional porn", aka chick flicks. Many of these highly idealized films fuel the princess mentality & the dreams of constant attention, wealth, overly elaborate expressions of affection.
And yes, we ministry-minded men have gotten pickier against women we see pining away for these unrealistic portrayals of romance. Our souls long for the unselfish, Christ-centered woman whose heart yearns for the things of God, and not worldliness & selfishness & false portrayals of beauty common today. (How disappointing it is to know the large numbers of "sisters" in churches who watch Grey's Anatomy & Desperate Housewives.)
22. Bethany D. said the following at 1:54 PM on Nov 4:
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Adam D:
Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling - but sometimes it is indeed a leading from God. And if a woman is feeling compelled by God to end a relationship, is she supposed to ignore what God is telling her and continue the relationship simply because the man is sure in his course? I understand how painful it must be for your friends to honorably seek after marriage yet be rejected, but just as men have the right to ask women to marry them, women do have the right to say no.
23. Becca said the following at 4:22 PM on Nov 4:
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My boyfriend broke up with me last December and I cannot believe it's almost been a year. The pain and loneliness, while greatly improved, can STILL be raw and fresh at times.
My heart goes out to y'all in similar situations. While there is much that can be learned and personal growth that can occur--this is the hardest thing I've ever been through. God bless.
24. Kelly said the following at 5:30 PM on Nov 4:
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Help! I have recently agreed to 'explore courtship' with my best friend of the past 2 years. But I have a growing feeling of disquiet.
We've already been through a lot of pain to get to this point (he fell in love with me) and I keep thinking... shouldn't I be more excited? I know he's a great guy and would never let me down, would probably even marry me but it just feels so strange at the moment.
Is it early-relationship cold feet? (Does that sort of thing happen?) Or is it God telling me to get out now before we get too deep?
25. Tito said the following at 9:55 AM on Nov 5:
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I would encourage everyone here to read Garry Friesen's "Decision Making and the Will of God." In that book, Friesen presents an excellent critique of the traditional view of decision making, including a thorough analysis of the passages commonly cited to support the use of inner impressions. What Friesen wrote completely revolutionized the way I thought about "major" decisions, including the question of marriage to a specific person. Reading that book liberated me from agonizing over that decision, and that freed me to use my God-given wisdom to make a wise choice (notice that I didn't say "the right choice").
26. Tim said the following at 10:14 AM on Nov 5:
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Kelly, I can't speak for anyone else, but I have definitely experienced early-relationship cold feet, I think its normal and useful, but its not the kind of sign you should be watching for from God that it isn't right. Not when there isn't a specific and serious problem or disagreement thats causing it.
Marriage is really scary, it is a huge risk, and when you hit the point that you realize and start to wonder..."Hey, this could end up in marriage, Do I really want that? Would I be happy?" It is a wonderful opportunity to reconsider everything without the "normal" obscuring state of emotional infatuation. You get to decide, "Yes he is the right kind of guy, Yes I'm sure I'd like to get married, and if it does turn out to him, I would be happy and not feel like I settled for too little." And once you make up your mind about that, all the feelings you expect will start back again.
I think its a great opportunity because its a chance to escape if something is wrong, and once you are past it, reassuring to know that you did think rationally about the relationship and you made a sane decision to proceed.
27. Fred said the following at 8:59 PM on Nov 5:
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What if instead of asking God for peace you ask Him to stop you if it’s wrong to do something? If there is nothing wrong that you can see with the person or situation, why do you need God’s peace? And have you thought that Satan might cause you to be uncomfortable and God might allow that in order to test you? If there is nothing wrong that you or respected others can see, put that before God and ask Him to stop you if you shouldn’t, and if He doesn’t stop you then go for it.
28. a sassy sister said the following at 1:56 PM on Nov 6:
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Suzanne's post really hits home for me, as I am seeing a young man who I care deeply for in a courtshp with another woman. But her closing sentences are an encouragement to me in my singleness, and remind me that the end can really be the opportunity for a new beginning.
To RL:
Female "irrational behavior" that you believe is result of conditioning is also displayed by brothers as well, who are following the conditioning of valuing looks(like a supermodel or high profile pinup) over character; who chase booty over the bounty of spiritual maturity. How many times have I seen some of my brothers chase pretty girls who treat them like dirt, yet ignore the sisters who have are walking with God, pursuing His will and purpose for their life, only because they're not Gisele Bundchen pretty? Just as there is a princess mentality, there is a childish boy mentality that expects a spouse to cater to all of their needs without any real desire or effort to be the provider, protector, or spiritual leader that God has called all Christian men in their families to be.
And as far as women watching these shows, is it possible that they watch these things because they want to be wooed as well as pursued by their brothers who seem to lack the ability, desire, or iniative in "wooing" a woman(and when I say woo, I mean to pursue for the intention of marriage in a God pleasing way-romance is not factored out in that equation.) I think men and women seem to forget that relationships---all relationships take work--whether you're starting one or you're growing in one. The effort that you put into starting a relationship with someone is not going to drop off once you're in a relationship with them; rather it INCREASES.
To Adam D:
I understand your fear when you see Christian women break up perfectly fine relationships with normal guys because they got a feeling or there might be something better. I believe that sometimes we can become overly spiritual about these things, and use God as a smokescreen as far as taking responsibility for our part in ending the relationship. That can take on a number of things: lack of clear communication, different visions and priorities in life, etc.
God may lead you to make certain decisions, but you ultimately choose those decisions. I believe that if God leads us to end a relationship, we should continue to talk to him about HOW to end those relationships and WHAT we should say. I've also seen some of my girlfriends heartbroken over relationships where the guy said that "God told me we shouldn't be together," thereby making my friends believe that somehow they were an impediment to the will of God in their intendeds' lives.
I would love to see my brothers and sisters doing the ADULT thing and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS AND CHOICES IN THE RELATIONSHIP. YOU are ending the relationship, not the Lord! I would love my brothers and sisters to take their fears and anxieties about marriage and commitment to the Lord and stop using him as a scapegoat when things don't work out and you want to bail....
29. Kelly said the following at 5:09 PM on Nov 6:
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Just wanted to say thank you to Tim for the advice. I've never had "cold feet" at the start of a relationship before, but maybe this is part of growing older and not racing headlong into something without thinking it through first!
30. Jodi said the following at 6:35 PM on Nov 6:
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What if we stopped analyzing the past and looked to God to be our fulfillment and our ultimate relationship. It does say that we should seek His kingdom and then all these things will be added to you...
Break-ups are so hard, but what if we all tried to let go of the "what if's" and look up? There are no "what if's" with Jesus. He'll never let you down or change His mind or act on a feeling. Grieve the loss, but let go of that person and move towards Christ and when the time is right, He will give you the desires of your heart.
31. RL said the following at 9:41 PM on Nov 6:
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Sassy Sister:
One would question how strong of a believer (and maybe even if they truly are and not deceived) these "brothers" of yours are. Most true "brothers" I know would grow quickly tired of the girls you described. And if they are truly followers of Christ then their's would be the godly attitudes of protector, provider, etc.
Interesting to note how women are always making excuses for their sisters who are indulging in the ways of the world. Whether it being watching ungodly programming or dating non-Christians, its always about them wanting to be wooed by a Christian guy, but are not. Maybe if they stopped doing such things, true believing men would actually find them appealing? Just a thought ...
32. Didi said the following at 9:42 AM on Nov 7:
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I'm just really glad everyone else seems to be mulling over the same thoughts as me. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year. In the beginning, I didn't think it would work because I thought he was arrogant. But quickly, I got to see his tender heart toward me. Anyhow, now we're taking a break from one another to see where we're going in our relationship - but I feel like he is so swayed by his emotions about what is right and what's not. I want to marry him, but with that amount of uncertainty, I'm not sure I want to. At the end of this fast, I hope God gives him some divine assurance either way so I can finally have peace about it. But if I had given up all the times I got scared or I doubted, I would not have seen God move in his life as He has. And it's been wonderful to see God work in mine as well.
33. a sassy sister said the following at 12:57 PM on Nov 7:
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RL:
I understand your sentiments, but the bottom line is this: both men and women face the consequences of those choices. I was simply stating the possible MOTIVATING factors deciding to make those choices. When you understand what motivations and attitudes you're dealing with when it comes to people, then you know how to accurately read the situation and respond with the truth of the Word of God(whether MALE OR FEMALE)
And btw, I don't watch Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives, am serious about being the woman that God wants me to be,and am FED UP with seeing bull excuses like the one you gave for why my Christian brothers don't woo Christian women. And yet, according to your assessment, I should have godly men pursuing me. I hate to break it to you, RL, but that's not happening. I would like for godly men to approach me and to pursue me. Yet, for some odd reason, I am stuck in the "friend zone". Despite all my "wonderful" qualities, I am single,and have been single for 4 years.
You say that if sisters stopped watching ungodly programming and dating non-Christians, then maybe guys would find them appealing. Uh, RL, I've been doing that for 3 years, and I can't seem to attract a date even when I try.
My last questions: Are you waiting for the "perfect" Christian woman before you take a risk and go for it because of rejection or ridicule?
Are you expecting a virtous woman without already demonstrating that you are the godly servant leader that she should submit to? Birds of a feather flock together.
34. RL said the following at 7:11 PM on Nov 7:
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Sassy Sister:
I applaud your decision to refrain from watching such unhealthy shows; as such, you should be commended! Praise God for that!
I do say that I sympathize with your plight; but I must say four years of singleness is not a very long time, not long at all.
I can not speak to your continuing singleness; my points were to address issues brought up in your post, not as a be-all_end-all. If I had to venture a guess, it might be possible guys are possibly detecting hints of bitterness. Bitterness is very unattractive to guys. If such is the case, then I pray you can find the joy in the Lord!
Along with godliness there are many other factors that draw a man & a woman together. To say that men only look at looks is simplistic, unfair, and untrue.
Who am I to say for your case? One thing to suggest ... have you thought of moving to a church where your prospects of finding serious godly men are better?
With regards to me ... whew! What shall I say? Well, yes, I am patiently waiting on the Lord to provide a virtuous helpmate, a fellow sinner in this foreign land. And yes, I myself have taken the initiative a few times.
Your final question even harder to answer, as for my service is for the Lord and His sheep, and not to spark any prospects of marriage. I admit I am uncomfortable in replying; however this is my answer: I have and am involved in many ministries for many years. Suffice it to say, I have been asked to start/head-up a few different ministries.
And to that, I bid farewell. :-)
35. a sassy sister said the following at 10:28 AM on Nov 8:
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RL:
Perhaps you may have not understood my question. My question is not about motive for serving in ministry. I would be gravely concerned if you agreed with the idea of serving the Lord for the sole benefit of taking a wife, and not out of love and obedience to God FIRST. I see from your post that this is NOT the case in regards to your basis for serving.
For clarity's sake, I was asking if you are expecting to find a virtuous, mature Christian woman without demonstrating that you are virtuous, mature Christian man she should choose to be with. It is the equivalent of a slovenly, selfish, irresponsible man searching for an organized, efficient homemaker to serve him. I have seen men and women say they want a spouse but demonstrate little or no qualities of being a spouse themselves. This is not to point fingers, but I think that's it's wrong to want a godly man or woman when you're not pursuing godliness yourself. Some people want to BE MARRIED, but they don't want to cultivate the qualities, strength of character and life skills that are necessary to STAY MARRIED. It's easier to say you want a husband or wife, but actually BEING A HUSBAND OR WIFE is a different story altogether.
I don't believe that bitterness is an accurate description of what I'm talking about. When I said I was FED UP, that was an expression on anger, frustration, and exasperation. But looking at the situation recently has made me realize that my frustration has a lot to do with expectations and whether they're fair and based in the truth. The truth is that you can't expect maturity from a immature person, and I especially can't expect things from people what I have never communicated to them as far as needs and such.
36. RL said the following at 9:45 PM on Nov 12:
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Sassy Sister,
Good advice for everyone to heed.
Hopefully the anger, frustration and exasperation has subsided ... guys can pick-up on that a mile away. Stay focused on the joy of the Lord!
Instead of seeing so many of your brothers as immature, recognize they need your encouragement and prayers. For it is only the Lord that works hearts.
Keep trusting in the Lord's provision!
37. Manisha said the following at 6:53 PM on Nov 28:
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I have been feeling low because the guy that I liked is married to someone else for the past two years, and i feel that he is happy while I am depressed, like I am a loser, and I lost in life, feel like I am the worst person in the whole world. Also, there were other guys that it did not work out with, some I did not like, but for them they married their soul mate. I feel like I am not good enough that is why i am suffering. Oh well, this article, will give me a little inspiration.