How Many Friends is Too Many?

How many friends can you really have? Well that depends on what you mean by friend.

Webster's 1828 American Dictionary defines friend as "One who is attached to another by affection; one who entertains for another sentiments of esteem, respect and affection, which lead him to desire his company and to seek to promote his happiness and prosperity..."

You'd be hard pressed to maintain that level of connection with hundreds of interlinked "friends" on Facebook or MySpace. Thankfully you don't have to. Social networking sites seem to be redefining friendship for the digital age.

And why not? If 12 friends are good, why wouldn't 1,200 be better?

Do you like adding friends to your life exponentially? Consider the cost. In "Sorry, You May Have Gone Over Your Limit of Network Friends," Carl Bialik of the Wall Street Journal writes,

As users of Facebook, MySpace and other social-networking sites pile up hundreds, even thousands, of "friends," several commentators and news articles have cautioned that there is a natural limit to a friendship circle. They typically cite the so-called Dunbar's number, 150, as a ceiling on our personal contacts.

The question is whether those who keep ties to hundreds of people do so to the detriment of their closest relationships -- defined by Prof[essor] Dunbar as those formed with people you turn to when in severe distress.

For those with websites that announce without feeling, "Jane Doe has 1 friends," take heart. You may be better off than the alternative:

... U.K. researchers ... are looking at the effects of such friend-hoarding. "The cheapness of communication is a double-edged sword," Dr. Reader says. Whereas you might enrich your life with more contacts, the things that are "important for intimate friendships," such as presents, meals and a ride in your car, he says, don't exist.

In lots of churches this past Sunday, praise bands sang, "I am a friend of God, He calls me friend!" In an age where "friends" pile up like so much email, with little real connections to show for it, I hope God's still using the old definition.

Comments

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1. Andrew R. (aka Canadian Boy) said the following at 12:42 PM on Nov 20:

I just tried to imagine God's Facebook profile... what would His religious beliefs section say? "Me"?

2. kman said the following at 1:30 PM on Nov 20:

Friendships take time to maintain and grow. Time is finite and even if you spent every waking hour maintaining/building friendships there's an upper limit, even with technology.

So yes, you can have too many friends.

I guess it depends on what type of friends you want. Hundreds of very shallow friends vs a fewer number of deeper ones.

3. Jorden said the following at 1:52 PM on Nov 20:

Yeah,I can see why people add lots of friends to facebook, but most of the time they are just people they know. Not actually friends. I have 11 friends on my facebook and about 25 people on myspace(plus 25 bands). And even half those are more-so people I know not good friends(I'm home schooled, plus I don't have a lot of good friends with profiles on either sites).

4. J. said the following at 2:14 PM on Nov 20:

I'm in agreement with kman in that it's better to have a few deep, genuine friendships than hundreds of superficial ones, and like Candice Watters I too lament the constant misuse of the word friend. There are many people who call every single acquaintance they have a friend, and I find it sad that friendship is, for many, a numbers game.

In addition, many people put up with unhealthy friendships (e.g., one-sided friendships, unsafe and/or abusive friendships, etc.) because they're afraid of facing the truth about them, which could lead to not having any "friends" at all.

5. J. said the following at 3:38 PM on Nov 20:

kman, I accidentally misrepresented your opinion in my comment above. You laid out two options, but didn't actually come down on either side:

"I guess it depends on what type of friends you want. Hundreds of very shallow friends vs a fewer number of deeper ones."

Please accept my apology.

6. Carrie said the following at 4:48 PM on Nov 20:

I've been wondering the same thing myself lately. I'm realizing that 2 or 3 dependable friends is more than anyone can realistically ask for. I have several friends (at least 4 or 5)that I know I can depend on for most things and I have one friend that I know I can turn to no matter what the circumstances, but she just moved nearly 1,000 miles away.
Friendships are hard. I think it's very easy to get to a certain point in life and feel like "Oh my, I can no longer form anything new that's going to last".
Facebook and MySpace are a little overrated in my opinion. I have 1 MySpace friend and 40 on Facebook. They are good for reconnecting, but I can't imagine finding a date on either site. That's a little weird.
However, I will say that cyberspace provides an excellent avenue of communication that is far less intimidating that face to face contact.
Perhaps that's why I can be so opinionated on these forums. If this all took place in person I would most likely sit on the sidelines and listen to 10 different conversations at once and absorb it all.

7. Leah said the following at 6:22 PM on Nov 20:

I thought this would be an interesting post, then groaned and rolled my eyes when I discovered it was just another MySpace/Facebook-bashing one.

I think you people (ie. Boundless contributors) KNOW our opinions on such websites, seeing as we've had so many other articles dedicated to them.

Now, just because Facebook puts the "Friend" label on that list does not mean everyone on that list is "One who is attached to another by affection; one who entertains for another sentiments of esteem, respect and affection, which lead him to desire his company and to seek to promote his happiness and prosperity..."

However, of my 201 Facebook "Friends", they are all people I have met in real life (except 2 who I met on Boundless, 1 who is helping me organise transport for a national students' conference I and friends are going to, and 1 who I met on another website), people who I get along with.

I am flicking through my friends now... there are those who were my closest friends at school who I still like to keep ties with... those who I'm friends with through the Christian group on campus... actual relatives... friends from church (some I may have known my entire life, some I may have only known 2 years)... some I knew when I was very small and re-met on christian camps... people who I have met through friends (and yes, become friends with myself)... people who have been in my small group at NTE (a National Christian Students' conference here in Aus), etc etc. For sure, there are lots of people who I wouldn't invite over to my house. And yes, many of these would be what you call "shallow" friendships. They might be people I actually see only once every year or 2, or perhaps haven't seen in years. But they're still people who if I saw them I'd say hi. If I were to limit my friends, I'd have to stop going to Christian Union at uni or stop going to church or something. I just naturally meet and get to know lots of people through certain activities. And I DEFINITELY still have my fair share of close, deep and meaningful friendships.

I think the only problem that can arise from "too many" Facebook/MySpace friends is when you're adding people simply for the sake of having "more friends". I won't add anyone who I've never met.

8. marcus said the following at 11:50 PM on Nov 20:

I think many people use the word "friend" too loosely. I put difference between "friends" and "acquaintances". I have few friends but many acquaintances, as I suppose it is with most folks.

9. kman said the following at 6:33 AM on Nov 21:

J. - no problem. But for the record I'm in the fewer, deeper friendships camp. ;)

10. Kate said the following at 6:54 AM on Nov 21:

For me, it's hard to understand how somebody would believe that 200 friends on facebook/myspace were friends in the deep sense that you have described... especially if these are people one hardly knows and/or has never met. In my case, most of the people in my friends are not people I see on a regular basis, or if they are, they aren't ones I know very personally.

Still facebook is a great convenience for sharing photos, thoughts, experiences, news etc. It's also a quick way to say hey how's it been to someone you haven't seen in a while. I don't think this is a bad or artificial way of interacting, especially when it gives you a chance to stay in touch with people when you move away to different towns and universities. Kind of like updated letter writing. I think this is pretty much the purpose of facebook. If somebody is using it as a way to meet and maintain deeply personal relationships, there could be reason for concern. Then again, if this person is not looking for or able to obtain face-to-face contact maybe it's not such a bad thing.

11. LG said the following at 10:12 AM on Nov 21:

In friendships, I find that it's hard to go "deep" if I go too "wide"...

12. Riley K. said the following at 4:34 AM on Nov 23:

I have a few friends by Webster's definition, however, they each see me more as an accquaintance.

As for friendships "formed with people you turn to when in severe distress" there is and will only ever be One. He was around looong before social networking sites, before the internet, before computers, phonelines, power cables, electricity even.

I am a friend of God. He calls me friend. To Him I will never be just another accquaintance. I am honoured. I am humbled. I am awed.

And because He has no Dunbar's number, you can be His best friend too.

13. Jo said the following at 4:54 AM on Nov 24:

friendships come and go, and sometimes come again, and fade for a while, and resurface and change, and grow and decline... and all of this happens naturally. i came to the conclusion a long time ago that it's impossible to keep in touch with everyone, that the important ones i will keep in touch with easily (that's not to say it will take no effort, but the effort will be a joy not a duty). there are people i would have wanted to stay close to but those relationships have faded because the other person hasn't been as bothered, and there are people for whom the opposite is true.

i think all that is totally fine, and i allow myself now just to be naturally led by my instincts where friendship is concerned. there are some who i see often and who best fit the webster's definition. there are others who i haven't spoken to for a fair amount of time, but if we were to speak now we'd easily pick up where we left off. there are some who were big parts of my life once, but who i have no contact with now. what i like about friendships is that you never know when an old friend will re-enter your life, and again this always happens naturally and often unexpectedly.

quality is certainly better than quantity, but there's nothing wrong with quantity if it's real and not forced. different friends are at the forefront in my life at different times, i value them all.

14. Ariana said the following at 12:36 AM on Nov 25:

Carrie said,

"I think it's very easy to get to a certain point in life and feel like "Oh my, I can no longer form anything new that's going to last."

I find that to be very true, even being only very recently out of college. It seems that people become more rooted in their own family ties and romantic relationships, and much of the openess to sharing life and building experiences with people outside of your inner circle is lost. It's one of the reasons, I think, that long-time singles complain as much as they do. It takes work to maintain an open attitude toward others.