Electronic Tether
by
Steve Watters
on Nov 6, 2007 at 2:00 PM
I blogged earlier about helicopter parents. A new survey of college students now provides more insight on this trend of highly involved parents:
Nearly 40 percent of first-year college students have had a parent or guardian intervene on their behalf to solve a problem at college, according to new research being released Monday. About 13 percent of first-year students said such interventions were frequent.
...
Educators insist there's nothing wrong with parents taking an interest in college life. ... But the term "helicopter parents" has emerged to describe those who go overboard, getting too involved in solving their children's problems, preventing them from learning self-reliance.
Largely, the trend has been tracked anecdotally in news stories about parents doing students' laundry, editing their papers, and even calling the school to complain about roommates or grades. But there's been little hard research.
Barbara Hofer, a psychologist at Middlebury College in Vermont, prefers to use the term "electronic tether" since the idea of helicopter parents has so much to do with technology innovations. That's consistent with the study's findings:
"Forty years ago, going to college was a 'breaking away' experience," said George Kuh, who directs the National Survey of Student Engagement, a massive annual study of college students that contains the new data.
That's not the case any more, Kuh said. A big part of the reason is cell phones have long since replaced the pay phone down the hall in the dorm.
The report goes on to say that there is an upside to intervening parents: "Their children are more engaged in college life, happier and reporting getting more from the experience."
So, if I'm reading this right, helicopter parents (or whatever you call them) might, for the most part, be an inevitable byproduct of technology advances and may not be harmful in the ways some have implied.
Is that your experience? Do you fall into the camp of being in frequent connection with your parents without seeing their involvement as detrimental to your development?
1. nikki had the following to say on Nov 6 at 2:07 PM:
I know a lot of parents continue to be involved "parents" just as though their children were still in elementary school. Kids really aren't going to learn to be on their own when their parents still do so much work for them. I'm all for parents being there for their kids, but a LOT of students are getting all freedom and no responsibility. Parents enable that. I bet you wouldn't have this "extended period of adolescence" if students actually had to learn to live like adults while at college.
2. Matthew had the following to say on Nov 6 at 2:36 PM:
I'm in medical school and I still talk to my family at least once or twice a week (I also still go to church with them 45 min. away, so that helps with the "tether" effect.) I know that I have definitely appreciated my parents' support and help; they have never intervened or offered their advice in any situation unless I asked for it, which I think is generally a good rule of thumb if your child is responsible enough. They were also a huge help to me when I studied abroad and had to get forms and such in.
3. Andrew R. (aka Canadian Boy) had the following to say on Nov 6 at 3:28 PM:
I talk to my parents once a week, and occasionally they send me care packages.
No intervention has been done yet, though. Quite frankly, I really wouldn't want any.
4. Charity Farrow had the following to say on Nov 6 at 3:38 PM:
My friends have called their parents for help with papers, help with music assignments (one father is a musician) and I've had my mother help me with making resumes and baking cookies for bake sales.
I commute from home to university with my parents (they drop me off before going to work and pick me up on the way home) so I obviously see them a lot. I find it helpful, they help me keep seemingly crazy teachers and dumb tests in context. They give me good advice without doing the work for me and they remind me that my classes often aren't as bad as I think they are.
I've heard a lot of horror stories about over-bearing parents, but I'm lucky. My parents let me make my own decisions, so though I live at home I feel quite independent.
I know your questions weren't aimed at non-traditional college students, but I hope this helps. :-)
5. DannieA had the following to say on Nov 6 at 3:50 PM:
Maybe another aspect was that in "olden" years...we didn't have as many cultural factors involved. Gone is the mentality that at 18 you're out on your own that dominated most of American culture.
Hispanics and other cultures are more family oriented so it makes sense that parents are more involved if there is a cultural difference there.
Also I think it's easier to communicate now...I think it is better this way until it comes from more frequent conversations to complaining about grades and throwing a fit because the college isn't treating their child "fairly".
I remember when I was at a Christian University...a bunch of us were caught trying to have a "real (alcoholic)" party on college apt. property and I got busted with my other friends and whoever showed up...my parents were ecstatic that the University gave us fines, community service work, and punished us with probation...They thought I got what I deserved...
At this time, my parents and I talk at least once a day, and I see them everyweekend for lunch after church.
6. Cherilyn had the following to say on Nov 6 at 5:36 PM:
I talk to my parents at least once a week, if not more on the phone (after 9 of course because my cell phone is free then). They don't intervene over academic stuff or social stuff but I do let my mother take care of the financial aid business for the most part. I go home frequently and they buy me some of the necessities. But at the same time, when I'm at school and need something, I take care of it by myself. It's good if parents can help students along the way to become a full-fledged adult, especially since high school programs have largely become preparatory for college rather than the real world. I know my high school education had very little real world applications so transitioning with the help of parents is often helpful.
7. Alex C. had the following to say on Nov 6 at 8:45 PM:
The college I'm attending is just across town, so I'm still living at home with my parents. The biggest "intervention" they've had in my college experience is that my dad went with me to meetings with an advisor, who helped me pick out classes for the following semester. Sometimes I ask my dad for help on homework assignents too.
8. KJ had the following to say on Nov 6 at 10:14 PM:
The last time there was an article on "helicopter parents," I posted about a difficult roommate situation I had in which my RD literally told me that unless my parents got involved and told the school to switch my room assignment, I was stuck with the roommate I had. That wasn't the first time that year that I had been treated like a child and needed my parents' intervention or at least their wisdom, because the authorities in each situation flatly refused to listen to my concerns and reasons even though I was twenty years old.
Has anyone else found that "helicopter parents" are actually NEEDED more in Christian settings than in secular ones?
9. James had the following to say on Nov 6 at 11:18 PM:
My parents were "involved" in as much as they had a right to call the Records Office and get an unofficial copy of my transcript, and they paid tuition, room, and board, and I called them every so often. Other than that, we didn't talk all that much. They knew what was going on in my life, but I didn't call that often. After all, I was living my own life 2200 mi. away from them.
Thing is that they were fine with this. They also saw college as a "breaking away" time. So, even though I KNOW they wish I'd call more (especially OUT of college where they now have let go of all ties to me except that of family), they're still fine with it. They do like it if I come back to VA once a year for Christmas, though.
10. Adam Sloope had the following to say on Nov 7 at 7:48 AM:
Having a close relationship with my mother I am able to talk openly with her. When I went to college I did notice this trend of keeping up with me and being overly involved. I just told my mom I have to grow up and learn for myself. I also have to be aware that it is tough for a parent to watch their child grow up and become independent. If both sides understand or try to understand one another I think their can be a healthy balance of involvement.
11. Robert J Espe had the following to say on Nov 7 at 8:41 AM:
I lived at home for my first 5 years of college, and shared rides with my dad for the first 4, so I didn't really "separate" from my family till I got married this past summer. That said, no one did anything for me. When I hit 10th grade my dad asked, "so, you going to college, what are you going to do about it"? I had to do my own applications, financial aid, etc. If I hadn't they wouldn't have bailed me out. That was my business. Worked out fine. I'm in my last year of college, don't have any debt, and have a great relationship with my parents (course we interact less now that I'm married).
12. Nicole had the following to say on Nov 7 at 12:45 PM:
I've been on the other end. I have been a college administrator for the past 9 years. I have seen the over-involvement of parents in their student's life firsthand. There is nothing wrong with being a concerned parent, or even somewhat involved. However, I have definitly experiencee these helicopter parents more often than I wish. Some examples: parents who don't let their kids speak during their own admissions interview, parents who call the professors of their child to complain about a bad grade, parents who demand a transcript of their student's grades (illegal under FERPA law), parents who want to meet with instructors to make sure they are "ok" to instruct their child, parents who fill out their own child's paperwork, parents who pester their child to call them way more often than necessary. The list goes on an on....have some faith in your child and CUT THE CORD MOM & DAD!!!!!!
13. Marie had the following to say on Nov 7 at 4:39 PM:
I turned my cell phone off most of freshman year to deflect the barrage of phone calls. My mom didn't intervene with other people (i.e. deans, profs, roomies, whatever), but she consistently tried to meddle in my affairs through her conversations with me, including with many things I felt went against my faith (despite the fact we're both Christians). I got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore, and I took to leaving my phone off and asking my roommate to answer our room phone (which I felt bad about). I know; not exactly mature conflict resolution....but it's the only thing that had any marginal effectiveness. It didn't dampen her efforts, but it did give me temporary reprieves, which seemed to be the best I could get.
14. Leah had the following to say on Nov 7 at 6:10 PM:
The uni I go to is literally 1km from the house I grew up in, so I still live at home.
I am still subject to my parent's authority as is appropriate, however they don't intervene in my academic work. They ask every few months how things are going etc., and they know if I'm at a busy time of semester (because I'm stressing over the 4 assignments due in the next week) but they've never tried to tell me what to do. Whenever I've had problems with subject selection, I've always talked to an advisor on my own, even if I ask what mum thinks later on. Because we live so close, I walk or ride to uni. If Mum is home and not busy she might offer to give me a lift sometimes, but that sure isn't the norm.
I hate the idea of helicopter parents, or parents who bubble wrap their kids.
When my 15-year-old brother wants to go for a bike ride, he has to tell mum which general direction he's heading in (ie. is he heading upriver or downriver), and he has to be back by dark, but that's it. I know of parents who want to know exactly where their child is going and what time exactly they'll be home. Or worse yet, won't even let their child go riding on their own.
There is a family at our church who will not let their children attend our kids' youth group (grades 3-7) because it's "too late". It's Friday night from 7-9pm, and apparently that is "too late" for their 8 and 12 year old sons to be out. Do they have any idea what sort of life the 12 year old is going to be up against when he gets to high school next year? Honestly, I tend to think, give the kid a bit of freedom. Let him be out at 9pm on a non-school night.
I remember when I was in grade 12, so in awe of the fact one of my friends, 2 years older than me, could simply tell her parents she was going out that night and would be home between 12 and 1. Not ask if she was allowed out and what time they wanted her home! I wondered when I would be allowed to do that. I tend to laugh at that now, because pretty much as soon as I finished school it was like that. If I was out with my boyfriend I had to be home by 11, and out with anyone else had to be home by 12, but it was pretty much "Mum I'm going out with so-and-so and so-and-so tomorrow night". I hardly even noticed the transition from "Mum can I" to "Mum I'm going.." That was back in first year, and now I'm in third year, if I'm out with my boyfriend I have to be back by 12 but if I'm in a group or with anyone else it doesn't matter what time I get home, as long as Mum doesn't wake up at like 3am and I'm still not home :P
If I were to do something stupid or wrong I know my parents would step in, but for the most part, they let me run my own life. Without, of course, all the 'fun' parts of living on your own... :P (By 'fun' I mean rent, bills, etc etc :P). I still have responsibilities and help with housework and sometimes cooking though!
15. James had the following to say on Nov 8 at 9:22 AM:
Nicole, just a heads up for those parents reading this who don't know FERPA like you or I (I worked a full summer and a semester in the Records office of my University during my time there, so I know about FERPA pretty wel), so this is more of a clarification for them:
FERPA allows for specially designated persons to be allowed an unofficial copy of a student's transcript IF the student has signed a release form and ONLY those people indicated on it may recieve an unofficial copy. AND, before that information is granted, the University MUST verify the identity of the person asking to as to make sure that they are one of those authorized on the FERPA release form. The student has a RIGHT to NOT sign this release form, however. Still, most students that I saw did sign the release form and most of those had their parent(s) indicated on that form.
So, parents CAN ask for an UNOFFICIAL copy of their child's transcript, but ONLY if they have been granted that right by their child by him/her signing that release form. Otherwise, Federal Law prohibits universities from giving out that kind of information to ANYONE except that particular student and university staff/faculty.
16. Becky F. had the following to say on Nov 15 at 3:29 PM:
The only thing my parents did for my college experience was pay for it. Same for my sisters.
17. Becky F. had the following to say on Nov 15 at 3:44 PM:
FERPA is like HIPAA. Doctors can't release medical information of a person over 18 even to that person's spouse without the person's consent.