Divorce Proofing Young Adults
by Motte Brown on 11/28/2007 at 2:45 PM
We have a booklet here at Focus on the Family titled "Should I Get a Divorce? Things You Should Know Before You Call the Attorney." It has a lot of data proving that for most, the grass isn't greener on the other side. Couples who get divorced are generally unhappier, unhealthier and financially poorer.
And the effects of divorce on their children are devastating.
Today, Tim Challies posted a blog by his mother, Barbara Challies, about the "carnage of divorce" as seen in the life of a child of divorce, a young woman named Heather.
Here's an excerpt from Challies' "Tears at Thanksgiving":
Every holiday is a time of balancing all the family pushes and pulls for a child of divorce. No matter what uneasy solution a child arrives at, it does not satisfy everyone, and the child herself is ultimately blamed for causing unhappiness. In this case, ongoing pressure is placed on Heather to warmly embrace the woman who willingly displaced Mom when Dad decided to trade her in for a newer model several years ago. Mom was left bitter and potentially destitute -- without even medical insurance; certainly no current skills with which to provide for herself.
Dad goes on to a life of increased wealth as he marries a young, childless woman immersed in the corporate world. Do you challenge Mom about her bitterness? When? How? Do you refuse to acknowledge Dad's new acquisition as a relevant part of your life? When? How? And all this comes to a head at holiday time. You have to make specific choices that externalize your thinking on the matter.
Research shows that nearly two-thirds of young adults of divorced parents have poor relationships with their fathers. This story sort of brings that stat home for us, doesn't it?
Barbara Challies ends her blog with a prayer for her married children to rest in God's sovereignty "in bringing you together."
I pray for you, my children, that you will all see with the eyes of eternity -- that through the trials and tribulations of life -- specifically marriage -- you will never have the shade of a doubt that, from all eternity, God planned for you to be with the one you have pledged to be faithful to. Guard your hearts and never allow the slightest strain of, "Well, maybe", or "What if", to enter your minds. Your unconditional commitment to your marriage, based on a total conviction of God's sovereignty in bringing you together, is its greatest strength!
The Focus booklet about divorce begins, "No couple goes into marriage thinking they'll be the ones who won't make it." But sadly, when trouble comes, many start thinking that they married the wrong person. And so begins the doubt and justification that often leads to divorce.
I agree with Barbara. Don't even think it.
1. kaj said the following at 3:35 PM on Nov 28:
My parents divorced when I was about 6 years old. Mom had custody of my brother and me. We went to visit my dad usually every other weekend.
Fast-forward to the college years through to my present 30-something state. The reality is that I still have to split holiday time between both "households"--my mom and stepdad, and my dad (he never remarried, and my brother and I are the only family he has at all). I sometimes get frustrated with this arrangement. No one told me as a 6-year old this splitting family time would haunt me the rest of my life.
(Imagine if I ever get married and throw in-laws into the mix!)
2. Angela said the following at 5:34 AM on Nov 29:
I already read this post on Tim Challies site. How blessed he is to have such a mother!!
3. Jake said the following at 6:40 AM on Nov 29:
My brother married a divorced woman who has adult children. His step-daughter's husband's parents are also divorced. They have three small children. On holidays, they're expected to visit all four sets of grandparents. On Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter they spend more time driving than they spend visiting with family.
To complicate things more, each set of grandparents try to schedule their parties so they don't conflict...except for his mother. When she finds out when they're planning to visit someone else, she changes the time of her party. This is a form of love test because they have to choose who they're going to visit. If they choose someone else over her, she acts insulted and accueses them of not loving her.
4. Erin said the following at 7:34 AM on Nov 29:
My parents divorced before I was even a year old, so I don't remember a thing about it. For as long as I can remember, they have had an excellent interpersonal relationship; we would even get together as a huge group, with all the stepparents, to celebrate the holidays! My parents made a huge effort to put me first in their lives, and put aside any rancor they had toward one another. It was an ideal divorce situation.
And you know what? I am still completely torn apart by the situation. Each holiday, my husband and I I feel like we are torn among 3 sets of parents/family, not just mine and his. I am a COMPLETELY different person when I'm around my mom and my dad, and I am very uncomfortable when the two of them are together. To make matters worse, because I guess they consider me an adult, they have decided to resurrect their bitterness toward one another, which they share with me. My mom has now been divorced ,is in poor health, and is getting more eccentric by the day. I am worried about her growing old as a single adult.
Don't get me wrong--I am grateful for all their sacrifices and their attempts to make the divorce as smooth as possible. But the bottom line is, even when you do it "perfectly," divorce sucks.
Not that I'm bitter. =)
5. obewan said the following at 7:39 AM on Nov 29:
Maybe "young adults" can still be divorce proofed, but beyond age 30 in christian singles groups, divorce for sure creeps in to poison the well.
In the christian singles group at my church (age 30+), exactly (I counted) 37 out of 40 women are divorced. Only two are widows, and one is never married.
In fellowship circles where divorce has occured, bitterness and heartache dominates everything. I can't blame them entirely. Afterall, I have one friend whose husband tried to murder her to get her inheritance. Still, it makes wife hunting for me a miserable task - even if issues of Biblical divorce and remarriage are set aside! (Which I generally refuse to do.) I don't want to pray for a widow (for the husbands sake) either.
6. Chris B. said the following at 8:28 AM on Nov 29:
As a child of divorced parents, I can confirm the pain and stress of balancing time between parents, which is greatly increased around holidays. Now that I am working full-time and am engaged to be married in less than a year, I can see many more complications in the future.
Thanksgiving was always the worst for me, because I had to forsake the tradition of having Thanksgiving dinner with my grandparents on my mother's side, and travel hours to spend with my father's family who I barely knew. Every Thanksgiving was more of a reminder that my parents were divorced than it was a time of celebration and thankfulness.
I am thankful that the Lord has given my fiancee and I a strong commitment to marriage, rather than allowing us to be influenced by our parents' (her parents are also not together) conduct.
7. Louise said the following at 9:21 AM on Nov 29:
I can understand the "torn feelings" of adult children of divorced parents, esp. around holiday time, but IMO, try and be a little more compassionate and less judgemental towards your parents and their "conduct."
I am not a parent myself, and probably will never be, but try and remember the situation must be difficult for them too.
And even if there are no divorces within a family, once people get married and have children, there may very well be a need to "switch off" holidays with the various family members.
8. Trevor Dolby said the following at 9:36 AM on Nov 29:
As a father of four in a similar position to obewan's fellowship group people, may I encourage everybody to be very careful who they marry? I don't accept divorce, and refused to participate in it when it was forced on me, but I can also see why my wife decided to walk away. The reasons (as far as I can tell) stemmed from a bunch of things that had nothing to do with me, which isn't as arrogant as it sounds :) It's actually very humbling, to realise that there is literally nothing you can do about the destruction of your family because the issues aren't really to do with you.
In fact, I think I found it easier to deal with _before_ I realised that it was more to do with her and God and her past than her and me - at least before that point I had some hope I could do something to try and make things better. Not that I'd had any success in doing so, but the hope was still there; a bit like Jehu in the old testament . . .
Anyway, choosing carefully is one of the most important lessons from my sort of mess. And I also believe obewan is quite right to not compromise, even if it means that his wife ends up being from a different country or generation. Compromise on such things will only buy a few years of "peace" before the problems hit.
9. Irene M. said the following at 10:07 AM on Nov 29:
As the child of divorced parents who are both remarried, one for the second, I understand the pain and difficulties faced by children of divorce. I have, like Challies, also witnessed infidelity and have had strained relationships with stepparents. However, I strongly object to the language that Challies uses to describe Heather's mother and stepmother.
//when Dad decided to trade her in for a newer model several years ago//
//Do you refuse to acknowledge Dad's new acquisition as a relevant part of your life?//
A message to Challies: women are not cars and men do not own thier wives! The father might treat them as property to be traded and owned but, if that's true, it is really unfortunate that you're modeling his behavior to your readers. Even though their relationship is strained, it is incredibly demeaning and ungodly to refer to her stepmother as an "acquisition". She wasn't chattel to be acquired or traded for, but a human being that he married. Could we at least refer to her as Heather's stepmother or the Dad's girlfriend (depending on their marital status)? It's also really insulting to refer to Heather's mom as an older "model". The mother is not damaged goods and shouldn't be treated as such by the author.
Also, many children of divorce (COD) don't like it when divorcees refer to their parent(s) and step-parents in unnecessarily demeaning terms. Besides being plain rude, it places the COD in the unenviable position of defending or condemning a parent while feeding tensions between them and their stepparents. You can show empathy without denigrating other people.
I was also disappointed to see her giving Heather this advice...
//I generally encourage her to give her mother the best of every holiday—it may not be a bad thing for Dad to live with the consequences of his actions.//
It's not Heather's place to punish her father and its really irresponsible to encourage this sort of behavior. It is one thing if Heather genuinely doesn't want to spend the holidays with her father, but a completely different can-of-worms to encourage a child to avenge one parent against the other. It asks the person to pick sides, something that many children of divorce resent.
10. Jill said the following at 3:30 PM on Nov 29:
Some divorced families spend their holidays together -- we do: http://www.thedhx.com/2007/11/24/thanksgiving-dinner/
We all love the kids and we all want to be with them on the holidays.
11. Brian K said the following at 3:34 PM on Nov 29:
Without speaking directly to Mrs. Challies, I don’t think that she is referring to women as cars so much as giving an insight to the father’s mindset. Too often that is exactly how divorce and subsequent remarriage is seen by adulterous spouses. Further, I don’t think that the mother is viewed as chattel or an “older model” by Mrs. Challies. Again (without being the one involved), I would believe this is the perceived view by the father. While perhaps not stated, actions, words and attitude indicate the state of one’s heart. I know many of us have been close to this type of a situation and the analogy is an accurate depiction of the callous attitude of some divorcé/es and the feeling of being cast aside for another, younger woman (or man) is properly expressed as she states.
Regarding the advice portion, I think I would side with Mrs. Challies. She is not advising Heather to begin to purposefully avoid her father, but instead to cease putting the onus of sacrifice and (as Mrs. Challies noted) blame on herself. When I read that, I don’t take it as a call for Heather to punish her father. I take it as a shift in the sacrifice (and blame) to the father. As in he chose to break his vow of marriage, break his vow of supporting his wife and breaking his vow of unconditional love for his wife and family. Thus if a sacrifice is to be made, the choice (dad “picked sides” and divided) was already made by the dad when he said goodbye to his family. Thought: “Mom and the family celebrate together. Dad, this is what happens when you put yourself first. I will still seek to love you and spend time with you, but this is a consequence of choice. You need to make concessions for the family you left and don’t force me to take sides.”
This is a simplification of the little information that can be gleaned from the letter. Actual events and other considerations would influence the thoughts. But I have trust that Tim Challies would not post something with which he would not agree or that is purposefully venomous (even if from his mother ;-).
None of this is ever cause or justification of vitriol or evil of any sort (hence do not seek to leave dad out, do not call dad names, etc.). We are to speak and act as representatives of God. And I don’t see this characterization as counter to that. But that’s just my opinion.
12. mary ryan said the following at 3:48 AM on Nov 30:
I'm an x-mother-in-law to two x-children.
I loved them and it hurt so very deeply that their marriages to my flesh and blood children ended. It has been 7 years now. I believe the scar of divorce always will remain. It is the very painful ripping away at what God intended to last for a lifetime. Marriage is not easy. It is a commitment made to each other before God. If you are not willing to live up to your promises if life becomes hard, don't enter into marriage. No one is promised by God to have an easy life. He promised His peace, His forgiveness, His mercy, a place with Him in eternity.
Forgiveness is a huge part of marriage, as well as mutual respect.
Don't "hope" to have a good marriage--"make it so." You can do it if both partners keep their eyes focused on the Creator who created marriage in the first place.
Divorce inflicts pain on more than the two people involved. Is it no wonder that God said in Malachi: "I hate divorce."
13. Mrs. B said the following at 7:43 AM on Nov 30:
My parents divorced shortly after I got married last year. This is hard enough as an adult, I cannot imagine how rough it must be for young children who don't fully understand what is going on (although I think children can be more resilient than adults in some ways). Since I'm an adult, I think they think it's ok to fill me in on every detail and I haven't been brave enough to tell them that that's an inappropriate conversation for us.
But their divorce has sparked a lot of great conversations with my husband and I. We agreed when we were engaged that divorce was just not an option for us, and seeing my parents' messy divorce and the effect it is having on my brother and I (and themselves) further reinforces our decision to make it no matter what comes our way. We're in this marriage not solely for our personal happiness (as is the common misconception), but because this is God's will for us, and who are we to challenge His will?
This will be my first Christmas since the divorce and I'm dreading the 3-way split between mom, dad, and in-laws. There is no way to make everyone happy and I have to be so careful not to spend even one extra day with anyone so as not to show partiality. It's only going to get worse when we have kids. I hate that now the holidays, which used to be such a big occasion in my family, are now more about trying not to get people jealous of one another than about what Christmas actually means...
14. Louise said the following at 9:43 AM on Nov 30:
All these posts make me very glad I decided not to have children.
15. Tim said the following at 1:50 PM on Nov 30:
"No couple goes into marriage thinking they'll be the ones who won't make it." But sadly, when trouble comes, many start thinking that they married the wrong person. And so begins the doubt and justification that often leads to divorce."
This, is the great danger of the "soulmate" fallacy. Once you realize that your marriage is NOT perpetual bliss, you have to abandon ether the soulmate ideal or your spouse.
I also think its a lie that your marriage is doomed if the other person stops trying. You don't disown a child because they have a tantrum and he screams that he hates you, you keep showing love, keep your arms out open for them to come back when they come back to their right mind. But if you won't continue to extend love and grace when they are distant and hurting you, they will never come back. I can't control another person, if she decides to leave and nothing can change her mind, i can't stop her, but I will never be the one to give up. To me, a successful marriage is like playing chicken, you succeed when you never give up; it's over because you die.
And actually I'm single. But being prepared and willing to cope with the worst, I'll be grateful for anything better, and just hope for the best.
16. Abigail said the following at 3:59 PM on Dec 4:
Louise, I think that you are completely missing the point about divorce. It isn't that it hurts children that makes it wrong (though that makes it worse). Divorce goes against God's design for marriage. He says He hates it (someone else quoted that verse), whether or not the couple has children. That said, children are a blessing from God. They are one of the main purposes of marriage, they are the physical form of the love between a couple. Lovingly and gently I have to say that consciously choosing to not have children is wrong. God should be the one who gives and withholds children. Psalm 127 says,
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."
I know that's not the topic of the post, but it's something I'm passionate about and I had to address it. May God bless you with the joy of your own family.
17. Louise said the following at 6:38 PM on Dec 4:
Abigail, I am forty two years old, so the chances I would ever be "blessed" are rather slim at this point.
My point was this: I am divorced, so after reading all these posts about how difficult the holidays are for the children of divorced parents I am personally glad I decided not to try to have children.
If you feel my decision was "wrong" so be it, but to be perfectly honest, I really don't care what you think of me and my private decisions about my life.
And I am passionate that the choice of whether or not to have children was mine and mine alone.
If I ever have to answer to God about my choice that is my problem, ma'am, not yours.
Good luck with making the best possible decisions your life.
18. Louise said the following at 12:52 PM on Dec 5:
http://family.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=995