Christmas for One
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 11/30/2007 at 2:07 PM
In "The Dreaded Company Christmas Party," Camerin Courtney ponders the moments in life that find us uncomfortably without a date.
I have a confession to make: Every year starting in about August, I begin stressing out about my company's Christmas party. Yes, August. Why so early, you may ask. It's got nothing to do with the dinner and play we see every year, the what-to-wear dilemma, or even some of the silly traditions a few of our company's VPs put us through. No, it's the date part that puts a knot in my stomach five months prior to the Big Event.
Courtney isn't alone in her stress over holiday singleness. A friend recently confessed to me that she feels more lonely as a single around Christmas than other times of year. And three months ago, I received a text message from my sister, detailing her holiday wish: a boyfriend by Christmas. The holidays can be a difficult time to grapple with singleness. I talked about this a couple of years ago in "Making it a Merry Christmas":
Last Christmas, my brother and his wife celebrated Christmas with us, not only in wedded bliss, but expecting their first child. As the older sister, I found myself dwelling on the inequity of the situation. While I felt content with my life in Colorado — great church, good friends, fulfilling job — being around the happy couple made me feel left out and somehow inferior.
Even if you're not playing the comparison game, someone will gladly do it for you. "I'm sure the single thing will come up again this year," my friend Josh recently told me. "I'm hoping to distract them with the fact that my uncle is expecting a child and grandchild in the same month."
Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a tabloid-like family event to divert the attention, and it's demoralizing when relatives not-so-subtly imply that something might be wrong with you because you're, in their opinion, behind others your age. ("After all, you're 26 and unmarried. Aren't you afraid people might start to wonder if you're gay?") Like playing a game of life where your opponent already has the wife, the house and six kids, and you have — the empty car — differences become glaring.
While these feelings are valid, it's unfortunate that the days we've set apart to celebrate Christ's wonderful gift of Himself can become the source of such discontentment. In my situation, I discovered that the comparison game got to me because I wasn't firmly grounded in my primary identity: Child of God.
When I considered the source of last year's post-holiday blues, I realized I was letting other people's comments and actions, instead of my position in Christ, inform how I felt about myself. This shouldn't have surprised me. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I didn't have a single quiet time while I was home. I got out of my spiritual routine and became an easy target for Satan's lies.
Giving Jesus the gift of regular devotional time this Christmas season will reap big benefits. It may even make that party a little less scary.
1. Derek Wong said the following at 2:30 PM on Nov 30:
Yeah I feel that pain. I guess it's easier for me since I can ask friends to go with me to my holiday party (which coincidentally is tomorrow). At the same time, the feelings still exist under the surface. I appreciate your redirection to what is important. I especially like that it wasn't condescending or belittling me because I wasn't already firm enough to completely prevent my feelings about singleness during this season. Thanks!
2. Childless single woman said the following at 2:39 PM on Nov 30:
Is it really "other people's comments and actions", that make you feel especially lonely without a spouse and family of your own? Or is it that those comments and questions challenge you to face up to pain you can smother with distractions more easily at other times of the year, when you may mix most with other singles?
3. Suzanne said the following at 4:02 PM on Nov 30:
CSW,
Probably a mixture of both.
4. Suzanne said the following at 4:32 PM on Nov 30:
I know the feeling. At 24, I'm not exactly old to still be single, but I am in the minority of singles now in my circle of aquaintences. When I go home for Christmas this year, I'll be spending more time around my friends and their spouses/fiances/kids than just my friends. Even in my family, my 21 y/o cousin will be around with his fiancee, while I and my "twin" cousin are still completely unattatched. Even putting up my Christmas decorations alone was a drag. Perhaps our society has instilled in us an idea that while it may be no big deal the rest of the year, to be single at Christmas is nothing short of tragic. Or maybe it's just me thinking society says that.
5. Adam D said the following at 8:44 PM on Nov 30:
Yeah I feel the same way, girlfriend by Christmas... it can be very depressing.
6. Carrie said the following at 8:46 AM on Dec 1:
I get this idea, which is why I avoid (secular) my company Christmas party. I would much rather hang out with my friends (married and single) who aren't all like "Whoa . . . she's all by herself . . .glad I'm not in her shoes."
7. Aaron Wells said the following at 12:19 PM on Dec 1:
Suzanne, I could not agree more.
I enjoy reading the things you write.
8. Jen said the following at 1:07 PM on Dec 1:
I attended my first Christmas party of the season last night. Your exact thoughts began to circle in my head. My singleness was only awkward 3 times. not bad, I guess.
well, it's just nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings.
It is ALL God that these blogs come at the exact times I need them! Thanks, Boundless!
9. Lucie said the following at 3:35 PM on Dec 1:
I read Camerin's article on the annual company Christmas party with great interest and complete sympathy, since I have been single all my life (47 years). I usually end up avoiding company holiday parties not just because I don't like being the only single one there (and I usually am!), but because they're not that much fun in general! (And I'd be willing to bet that most people agree.) By now I'm so used to being single, which is something that's fortunately never bothered me as much as it does most people, that I suspect I don't dread the holiday party quite as much as I used to - until it's upon me! Sure enough, I found myself stressing out about it both last year and this year. Last year I ended up having not to "make up an excuse" because I was let go from my job in August (how's that for an excuse?) but I'll never forget how, prior to that event, I was actually considering advertising on Craig's List for a date - something I look back on with some amazement.
10. Stefanie said the following at 5:10 PM on Dec 1:
Great reminder of where the focus should be, Suzanne.
I think, for me, one of the reasons singlehood weighs heavy during the holidays is the desire to share the cozy winter nights and the shopping and all the cultural trimmings with someone special...it's that romantic imagery that seems to come out in full force this time of year(Think: "Every kiss begins with Kay...").
But I think, this year, rather than "suffering through" another lonely holiday season, I'm going to use those moments of attack to reflect on the biggest Significant Other in my life, Who willingly experienced the true depths of loneliness to spare us from the same. If a love like that is not sufficient company to get me through a boyfriend-less December, I've got the wrong idea of romance.
Though, I will freely admit my relief that my company has no Christmas party this year! ;)
11. Alexandra said the following at 5:42 PM on Dec 1:
so, get this. my fiancee and i just called off our engagement (praise God for a successful engagement!). not only had his mother already paid for a christmas trip to minnesota to meet that side of the 'family', but this weekend is my first-ever-boyfriend's wedding. my fiancee was written as my date on the invitation ... so i am going to the wedding (dateless AND single), of a former boyfriend.
ah, life ;)
12. rivergreg said the following at 2:27 PM on Dec 2:
Stefanie - I think you're on the right track regarding the "romantic imagery" thing... I think Christmas is a time when our society expects people to stop the rush, come out of their shells, and be so much more expressive, romantic, and "ideal".
It's really rather ironic, because in an effort to chase that dream, people become anything but that, especially on the roads and in the malls :)
I think a lot of the idealized expectations we place on Christmas are better suited for Heaven :) Things like snowy sleigh rides without the bitter cold, children joyfully opening packages but no one ever gets disappointed or jealous, long chats with a dear friend by the fire but somehow never having to go outside and root around looking for a few more logs that still happen to be dry, and putting in lots of effort to make a Christmas Eve beautiful but not being totally exhausted by 7:30pm and thus unable to really enjoy it :)
The truth is that though God has given us abundant beauty to enjoy in this world, this is still a broken world, we are all very limited human beings, and the romantic imagery leaves out a lot of the mechanics of "real life".
That said, I think we have a lot to enjoy around Christmas - both celebrating the birth of our Savior and in so much of the "romantic imagery." I've been blessed to usually be able to spend Christmas with my immediate family, but even when I haven't, I've found ways to really enjoy it and make it special :)
13. Kelly said the following at 7:59 PM on Dec 2:
I'm 29, perpetually single, and have never attended a wedding or a Christmas party (etc) with a date. To be honest, unless it was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I wouldn't want to!
Why are we so focussed on having a date? Going as a singleton allows me to network around the room, to meet heaps of new people, to dance with whomever I want to dance with (although it's usually a brother-in-law or other relative), and not be worried about my date (who probably doesn't know anyone) having a good time.
It just seems CRAZY to me that people would rather stay home than go to a party simply because they're going alone!
14. Laura_mh said the following at 10:42 AM on Dec 3:
Kelly, I wish I could feel the way you do. My firm's office party is not just for a department or a small group within the firm; it's for the entire office, which is about 2,000 people. The venue is usually pretty dark and the music is loud, so not a lot of networking takes place anyway. In fact, due to the size of our party, I didn't even see most of my co-workers (with their spouses or dates, of course) at last year's event. The venue was just too big and there were a ton of people.
Our party is definitely couples-oriented--more of a have-fun atmosphere of eating, drinking, and dancing--as opposed to talking and networking. There's no problem with that, but if you are single it's difficult to enjoy.
I did go last year as a single and met up with my boss, who is married but did not bring her husband due to illness. we also met up with another co-worker but she brought a date. So the four of us sat at a table and were bored, since it was too loud to converse and the only activities were raffle drawings for iPods and gift cards, etc. At least my co-worker got to dance with her date.
I also noticed that at last year's party, there were virtually no single guys, from what I saw. Every guy had a female to accompany him, so there wasn't anyone of the opposite gender to dance or talk with. Everyone was paired up.
If my party provided more of an opportunity for true networking, I would go this year, but given the structure of our event, I see no point.
15. Esther said the following at 10:58 AM on Dec 3:
Sometimes it gets to me that I'm single...and it's Christmas. But in general, I'm usually somewhat grateful, especially when I consider how stressful it can be to deal with a "significant other" around the holidays (think: dealing with inlaws, trying to split time between 2 families, etc.) I try to remember to give thanks for another year with my immediate family (none of my siblings are attached yet either), doing Christmas the way we always have.
16. Sara said the following at 11:30 AM on Dec 3:
Rivergreg, that's an awfully aseptic fun you're after! Being all wrapped up in spite of the cold, but still with a bit of nip on your cheeks is part of the fun of sleigh rides, and how can you not like the challenge of building a good fire from scanty materials? It's so satisfying that moment when you know you've really got it burning and that it won't go out as soon as the cardboard or shingles or whatever are gone!
I'd even go so far as to say there's a certain delectability to being disappointed at Christmas...something about the heightened contrast between carols and tears, or the dizzying drama of sorrow and nostalgia in front of a Christmas tree...
17. AmberJ said the following at 12:11 PM on Dec 3:
I agree Esther! Watching my married sis and friends stress over trying to split time between families has made me so thankful that God has blessed me with singleness! On a lighter note, as I put up my very first Christmas tree of my own, I am reminded once again that God knows what he's doing -- I'm much too OCD about the lights and where certain ornaments go to have this be a "couples" activity! :)
18. Childless single woman said the following at 12:28 PM on Dec 3:
I think we should be a little careful about dishonouring marriage here. It may make singles feel better to think about how happy they are not to have to divide their time between two families etc. but I don't think that is very honouring of God's plan, whereby a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.
Btw, I think a better suggestion for answering those uncomfortable questions about why you aren't married yet, is to ask them to help you in your search. Families used to play a much greater role in facilitating marriage than they do nowadays. Why not tap into their network and make it clear that you are being very serious, and would like them to give careful consideration as to whether there is anyone they can introduce you to? At Dad's golf club? The single son of a woman that goes to your mother's book club? (Also making it clear that you won't hold it against them if it turns out to be a disaster!)
19. Christine said the following at 1:17 PM on Dec 3:
A few years ago, when faced with my first office Christmas party, I took my dad as my "date." He had done volunteer work with the organization, so he knew people, and it was a blast. I'm glad that I had the chance to build a special memory with him.
20. Kellie said the following at 5:29 PM on Dec 3:
Prior to dating me, my husband used to take his roommate with him to his office Christmas party. Nobody seemed to mind. Perhaps I'm just anti-social, but I avoid office parties regardless. I don't really want to see what my co-workers are like when they've had too much to drink.
21. rivergreg said the following at 6:53 PM on Dec 3:
Sara said:
Aseptic? Me? Of course, my post was oriented that way, to make the point that so often we can get caught up in a "romantic image" that isn't real. But that which is real can still be lots of fun :)
But personally, I've been out camping and so forth enough to love the challenge of fire building and to enjoy waking up in the morning to snow on the tent. A slightly different situation from a sleigh ride, but... :)
22. k. said the following at 6:56 PM on Dec 3:
I went to several office holiday parties as a single woman. Each year I asked a different (male) friend to come along as a casual, friendly date. I always had a lot of fun, and so did they. We still laugh about those parties.
I'm not diminishing the pain of people who are single at Christmas; I've been there. But just because you're single, doesn't mean you have to go solo to everything. Grab a friend, get dressed up, and go have fun!
23. Kelly said the following at 10:37 PM on Dec 3:
Laura_mh - I can see why you'd avoid a Christmas party like that! And from your description, it doesn't sound like it would be much fun for couples either.
I will never understand parties/venues where the music is too loud to allow conversation. What is the point?
On another topic, I don't think we're dishonouring marriage by focussing on the positive aspects of being single at Christmas. We're looking for the blessings we do have - because we all know just how tough it is!
24. BDB said the following at 11:50 PM on Dec 3:
In my experience, only about half the employees enjoy holiday or other parties. The other half feel like they spend too much time at work already and aren't interested in giving up personal time to spend more time with co-workers. The challenge from a financial perspective is to get the RSVP list as accurate as possible so that those who say they are showing up actually do. That leaves enough money to do something pretty good for the rest.
Though I must say, by far the most fun I've had is at the various potlucks we've done. Let everyone take a couple of hours off work, buy a bunch of food on the company dime, participation is much higher. Last year I showed up to the potluck room to discover that my whole staff had dressed up as elves to serve food...
25. Rachael said the following at 1:10 AM on Dec 4:
Just an idea -- for people who may feel sad about being single during this holiday season, and for those who don't have people to celebrate Christmas with, perhaps they could volunteer by serving a meal at a mission, or by spending time with residents in a nursing home or rehab center. In addition to it relieving a load or brightening someone's day, it could also help remind the single person that there are people who probably feel a lot more lost and alone than they do... I will be spending Christmas with family, and I'm grateful for that, but I think it could be really neat if people spent it with a community who needs love just as the single people desire to be with those they love...