Trusting God with Relationships, Part 1

Trusting God with Relationships, Part 1
by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/22/2007 at 3:00 PM

I've recently been thinking a lot about God's participation in my love life. Mostly, I've been wondering to what extent He cares about it. There was a time when I believed that the Lord was carefully preparing and refining my future spouse and orchestrating the exact events that would bring us together. I still want to believe that, but it's a struggle.

Does God really care about who I marry? Is my waiting period part of His plan or just a side-effect of a culture confused about marriage? Is marriage a standard-issue arrangement ordained by God or is He interested in my specific choice? My theology on this will deeply affect the way I view my Heavenly Father and His involvement in my life. It will impact how I go about relationships. It will affect the way I live while I'm waiting.

As I considered my current state of disillusionment with my former view, I thought it would be helpful to consider again some of the basic truths about God's purpose for and involvement in human relationships.

One foundational truth about my singleness is God sees my need. Moments after creation, God takes a personal interest in Adam's lonely state. "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18). God did not create humans to live in isolation. He designed us to long for and experience companionship and love. And if He had compassion toward Adam's loneliness, I can trust that He sees and understands mine.

Not only did God see Adam's need; He responded to it in a specific way. "I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). As a remedy to Adam's loneliness, God created Eve. God designed her to be Adam's helper. It's true that we don't know if "helper suitable for him" was simply talking about Eve's complimentary attributes as a woman. But this declaration seems to show God's detail in providing a perfect match for Adam.

I know a lot of singles who wish they were married. For most of us, these circumstances seem out of our control. It is easier to trust someone when you believe he cares. The Lord is compassionate toward singles. Adam started out as one. It seems a little unfair (to me) that Adam's match materialized almost immediately while mine is slow in coming. But in God's dealings with Adam, we discover two realities: 1. God established marriage as the antidote to a basic human need ("It is not good for the man to be alone"); 2. God was concerned about the individual fit of the relationship ("a helper suitable for him").

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1. Paul said the following at 3:33 PM on Oct 22:

I'm of the belief that God does not have one ideal mate chosen for each of us, and gives us the freedom to make choices in life, within His revealed will -- e.g. we're not to marry an unbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14, 1 Cor. 7:39).

*However* that in no way means that He isn't profoundly concerened with our lives, including the trials and tribulations of single life, our unfulfilled longings, our lonliness, etc. He's affected by all of it. Further, He cares about the decisions we make in life, especially one so important and life-changing as whom we marry. Not all choices are equally wise, even if they don't violate any clear Biblical injunction. He wants us to ask for wisdom concerning these matters and He promises to grant it: James 1:5 (NKJV): "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

2. Micah James Lugg said the following at 3:55 PM on Oct 22:

I definitely believe that God has chosen our spouse. He is sovereign over all things and has pre-ordained all things. If God has not chosen my future spouse, then that means the decision is in my hands. I would rather trust God for choosing my spouse than trust myself, any day. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows my future spouse better than she knows herself and thus He makes matches better than any human could. If God has not chosen spouses, then the possibility is up to chance and that strips God of control over human lives. He orchestrates all things for His glory.

3. Jeni said the following at 4:46 PM on Oct 22:

I think your statement: "It is easier to trust someone when you believe he cares" is so true.

Sometimes the fact that God cares is easier to believe than others. Yet even when I'm in doubt, He is faithful. The two points you've brought up are very good reminders of how God does indeed care.

4. Erin said the following at 5:45 PM on Oct 22:

"Is my waiting period part of His plan or just a side-effect of a culture confused about marriage? "

it is in His plan that you will wait and marry amidst a culture confused about marriage. :) although our culture is confused about marriage, it does not exist out of His soveriegn plan. neither does your (and my)active pursuit of marriage!

a lot of people discuss marriage within Christian circles as unrealistic. statistically, there are twice as many girls in a church as there are single men. statistically, it doesn't work out quite right. i thought about Jesus feeding the five thousand, with five loafs of barley and two fish. statistically it doesn't seem plausible, but the Lord provides for all who are willing to believe He does.

just because we can make an active choice about who we will marry doesn't mean our spouse is not pre-ordained. the choices we make, as long as faithful to Scripture, are all in the Lord's sovereign plan. blessings to your future marriage! :)

5. brx said the following at 7:09 PM on Oct 22:

Suzanne, why do you conclude that Adam's match materialized almost immediately? It looks to me like Adam was pretty busy for quite a while before that. It crosses my mind that CS Lewis' didn't recognize a marriage partner until quite a ways into his life, either.

I hope that's not such a downer. You do write some pretty insightful pieces sometimes. That could be challenging/intimidating if that reputation preceedes you.

Keep making choices -- and rest assured God knows the choices you're going to make - not because we don't have free will, but because He knows us so well. And being God, He can handle our choices, the wise ones AND the not-so-well-thought-out ones.

Grace, peace & adventure to ya!

6. Rachael said the following at 7:49 PM on Oct 22:

God DOES care about us (1 Peter 5:7b), but I think it can often be easier to passively believe certain Biblical truths than to feel them emotionally. He cares about our concerns. If we are concerned about our singleness, He cares. But will He provide for us a spouse? Not necessarily. That's the tough truth. Will He provide for us in other ways? I need to struggle to believe...even though I don't always feel...yes. He has the power to make us content in any and every situation; we can do everything through Him who gives us strength (Phil. 4). Am I at a point where I've reached that complete contentedness? No. I struggle in this as well. That being said, I guess the beautiful thing about trials is that God can work in us and refine our faith through them.

7. Claire said the following at 8:07 PM on Oct 22:

I used to believe that we were supposed to wait on God's timing for that "one person." While I still believe we wait on God's timing, I think there could be a lot of people a person is compatable with. On the flip side, of course there are certain ones that are the "wrong one" that we aren't compatible with. Think about it, if there is "the one" for everyone, it just doesn't work. Here is the line of reasoning for this: If one person makes a mistake and marries the "wrong one" (and we know we are human and make mistakes) then it messes up everyone else. It's a trickle down effect. After marriage, that person has become "the one" and you stay with them. I think it's a romantic notion of "the one" and all, but God wants us to do our part as well, seek His will, use our minds - basically, He gives us a choice, but wants us to seek His choice. As I said, I think that there is more than one person that we could be compatable with (think about people who remarry after divorce, death, etc) but God knows what is the BEST. We can choose one from the group that would work and God is still sovereign and He is still glorified, but he wants us to choose His BEST for us because it will bring HIM the MOST Glory. Hope this makes sense...

8. Rina said the following at 8:54 PM on Oct 22:

Yes, I think we need to trust God in this area, that He cares and He will provide. That He will lead us to know what to do while we wait.. if not it would feel kinda hopeless doesn't it? Yet He is a God of Hope... and if He seems to care in all other areas of our life, why not this?

9. Christina said the following at 9:26 PM on Oct 22:

Your post is really encouraging. Along with the truth that "it is not good for the man to be alone," I like to remember Psalm 130:5, which says, "I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope." The Hebrew for "wait" means to "wait expectantly."

We are waiting for the Lord to return, we are waiting on Him to direct us and we are waiting on Him to reveal His plans...all with expectation. We also can wait with expectation for a spouse. His word says it is not good to be alone. We were meant for relationships. We have to trust and hope in His word!

10. Kelly said the following at 9:48 PM on Oct 22:

And if He had compassion toward Adam's loneliness, I can trust that He sees and understands mine.

Really? I am thoroughly in the state of disillusionment at the moment. Women who are so lonely, hurting for YEARS. My heart breaks for them, every time I meet a beautiful woman who is 35+ and never married.

My own heart has been hoping and hurting for 15 years now. 15 YEARS.

And yet... this pain is nothing compared to the pain others go through. Those who suffer abuse, starvation, the list goes on.

How can God just sit back and watch?!

11. Dave Beldon said the following at 10:58 PM on Oct 22:

I dont think there is one person that we are compatible to marry. Human beings arent that complicated and different. I think God has plans for us (jeremiah) and will lead us as he so chooses. He love and acceptance of us and delight in us is infinite. Like Jacob we are often unaware of his presence. I think the temptation for single is to look at marriage as something that God made as good and to make it best. Marriage can be an idol and is an idol in a lot of people lives. Jeremiah 2:13 has been quoted to me a million times. This site does a great job of exposing the intentions of people who are hiding from God's plan in their life (marriage), but focusing on constantly can steal the joy the God has for us where we are right now. Unfortunately it can also make us less attractive to other people. For a people marriage is like a screen door, the flys on the outside want to get in and the flys on the inside want to get out. Anytime we question God love for us, or we start using phrases like I will be happy when _____, that is a clue that whatever is we want is becoming an idol in our lives. The key to getting rid of an idol (especially ones that our good for us like a job, working out, or marriage) is growing closer to the love and acceptance of Christ. It is only by experiencing the warmth and fire of his love that the idols in our lives lose their grip and are able to be put in their proper place.

I do sympathize with you Suzanne. My girlfriend broke up with me a few months ago. Im not sure what waiting is like for a girl. When Im ready I will go for a again. For a guy the frustration can be like looking under a million rocks and not finding any gold (maybe that is a bad illustration but hopefully you know what I am getting at). Its amazing that when something does go great I am really shocked that God would want something good for me.
My pastor told me to run the race as best I can and marry the one who is running beside me. It sounds like a bunch of hokey, but I think it is really good advice. The great thing about life is that there is only one life giver and that is God. Everthing else is just a gift. To often we worship the gifts and think that they will give life.
It is really hard for me to imagine what life would be like if I was still a single virgin at at 50 or 60. What the heck would I do with myself? Who would I hang out with? I know though that if that were my lot and I was seeking God and nothing ever came about that I could be joyful and God would bring people in my life that would bless me and that I could bless. I could have a full and meaningful life without a family! This is coming from a guy that only really wants a family. I just think God is that good and we have nothing to fear.
I dont mean to rant on on but only to encourage.

12. BDB said the following at 11:46 PM on Oct 22:

So, if God is in control of the details, does that mean he's also in control of how much dental floss and chapstick we collect? Or is that "free will?"

13. Adam Sloope said the following at 8:02 AM on Oct 23:

I am with you all the way, I think the thought of their being one person made for me is cute, but I struggle with it. I have recently started dating a girl and it was suddenly brought to a screeching halt because she thought we were pursuing it to much, she thinks that God will just open Heaven and put a spot light on the man she is supposed to marry. I think Christian dating is such a joke because of this thought. I think God gives us standards to look for in a companion and there is work on our part involved. God is a very involved God, but we cannot sit around and try to figure out His next move or rely on Him to do things for us that we are supposed to do (I'm speaking to myself and other guys on this one, because I wish it weren't my responsibility to pursue because then I risk rejection).

All in all, I think we should all see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, when there is attraction, pursue it, and if it is not something, then still be friends, none of it is personal, it is just a bunch of confused people looking for the same thing, a companion under/within God's will.

14. Paul said the following at 8:51 AM on Oct 23:

Claire said: "Think about it, if there is "the one" for everyone, it just doesn't work. Here is the line of reasoning for this: If one person makes a mistake and marries the "wrong one" (and we know we are human and make mistakes) then it messes up everyone else. It's a trickle down effect."

Bingo.

15. Carrie said the following at 8:57 AM on Oct 23:

BDB:
So, if God is in control of the details, does that mean he's also in control of how much dental floss and chapstick we collect? Or is that "free will?"

Yes.

16. Karis said the following at 9:03 AM on Oct 23:

Erin, I like that you bring in statistics and that God is bigger than any scientific probabilities. I am an American and live in Asia, and some friends think I should move back "home" and wait for a spouse. Well, 32 years didn't provide one, so even though the chances appear more slim in a foreign country (where MOST single missionaries are women), I can trust that God is bigger than that.

Kelly, I can completely relate to your hoping, hurting heart. I sensed the Lord telling me to "wait and hope" for a specific guy (which I did for FIVE YEARS) who eventually married another girl. I'm going to be 35 in a few months. I'm sick of waiting, and hope has worn thin.

On the other hand, I read somewhere (was it Donald Miller?) that Adam may have waited 100 years or so for Eve. He had to name all the animals, after all! Considering how many species of insects alone, that had to take quite some time.

Now, I hope none of us have to wait 100 years, as we'd all be in heaven by then. But, I am encouraged that God DID notice Adam's needs, and he DOES see and know ours as well.

I heard some insightful lessons called "unexpected singleness" on this site: http://www.plumblineministries.com

Suzanne, I'd be interested in your responses to it, as well as others'.

17. Ro said the following at 9:18 AM on Oct 23:

I find this a very encouraging post.

I'm curious to know if anyone might know any reasons why married women want their single friends to hide their feelings of loneliness and act like they do not feel that way? Much pressure is exerted in this.

If it was ok for Adam to feel lonely, I wish I felt less pressure to pretend that I do not ever feel lonely.

Anyone have any reasons for this?

Also, God is omnipotent, and despite our current culture, has supplied husbands for most people I know. Which makes me wonder why the antidote for this basic human need is not provided to me?

I'm ok with it, though. I focus on my work, friends, family and ministry opportunities, and I am at peace with it. I just wonder if God has a reason for not supplying this antidote to my basic human need. Why the God so responsive to Adam's loneliness has let me pray for the antidote for 2 years (along with my grandmothers and pastor and his wife, all of whom say I am ready and have nothing I need to change to be ready) who I see many flaws in myself, but I can't change those without God's help! And yet unbelievers who are far more flawed are in relationships. Anyway, this is just what I'm wondering about.

Are there cases where God delays showing his compassion on loneliness for certain reasons?

These are some reasons I could think of:

1) The person is not ready / mature enough for marriage (So why didn't God control the developmental process so that the person was ready at an adult age, instead of having to be lonely and not shown compassion because of this?)
2) The person has made mistakes delaying marriage (We all make mistakes, none of us are above sin,so why do even unbelievers get spouses before some Christians, many single women I know are Godly and still single).
3) God uses the suffering of not having your basic human need to shape you as a person, and thus fails to show you compassion for this reason, because the suffering of not have this basic human need met is not good for you. (Is this a good enough reason for God to not show you compassion? How does he choose who to demonstrate compassion to and who to not provide for and ignore their needs?)
4) God did not create or develop enough Godly men in this generation (thus limiting the Godly families that can form and do the work of saving the rest of the world). So how
does he decide who the lucky women he will provide for and show compassion to, are, and who those who will fail to show compassion to are?

I think the third one and fourth one are the ones I lean towards.

Anyway, brilliant post.

18. Suzanne said the following at 9:28 AM on Oct 23:

brx,

Thanks. I was simply taking my interpretation of the time frame from Genesis 1:26-27: Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

There's a sense that God created man and woman at nearly the same time. But I'm not hinging my whole theory on that point. The time frame is up to interpretation as you've pointed out.

19. Suzanne said the following at 9:41 AM on Oct 23:

BDB: Funny.

20. Diana said the following at 9:47 AM on Oct 23:

I think sometimes we over-spiritualize the mate selection process, really I do!! Now, I don't mean that God isn't involved or in total control---but come on---He made us to be hungry, we feel those hunger pains, and we go out and find something to eat. He made us to work, we have needs that we must have money to fulfill, so we go out and find a job (or should). We don't sit around and pray that God would magically fill our mouths with food, or drop money from the sky. So why should we take an ultra-spiritualized approach to marriage and say that God will drop that "one" in my lap at some given time? I think we must pray for His leading and trust Him, but we don't expect Him to do for us, what He's gifted us to pursue for ourselves.

I know the PAIN and frustration of waiting--I'm a 30 something single woman, so I can't go out there and pursue a mate. I have known more than a decade of seemingly unanswered prayer. But, I've also learned through that, that companionship and marriage is an appetite, yes even a NEED (in my book!!) and will require some effort and some risk on my (and my future spouse's) part to accomplish.

I think our culture (both secular and church) makes marriage very complicated and confusing to attain, when it should be a normal passage into adulthood for most people. Our dating culture is totally wacko. For myself, I'm sick of singles groups where we cluster around having mini-golf nights or pizza nights--I want a husband and family and intimacy and the growing pains that marriage provides!! That's not idolizing marriage or being discontent--that's being normal!

21. Ann said the following at 10:02 AM on Oct 23:

I married at the age of 29 years old , I'd longed to be married beforehand. I used to think why it was the Lord wanted me to wait, my husband's wise words were, that the Lord wanted us to marry each other, and if I'd met him 5 years earlier (when he wasn't a christian ) I wouldn't even have liked him let alone have wanted to marry
him . It is hard waiting, watching friends and family members marry but if it is the Lord's will for you to marry, it is better to wait His time .

22. Ryan said the following at 10:09 AM on Oct 23:

When it comes to relationships, one thing that I have come to realize that it's also incredibly selfish to be constantly look for the 'The One'. The futile efforts of man have always, time and again, proven to be insignificant when compared to Gods ultimate plan. Ultimately, we are here to serve the Lord. Granted, what the Bible says is true that "Man should not be alone." But alone or not, we can still serve the Lord.

I'm not very convicted of the fact that God wants me to actively pursue a life to serve Him. To minister to others. To go into the mission field, and bring his light to those who haven't heard of him. But how can I do this when I'm constantly thinking about the one I'm going to marry? So many 20 year old guys (like myself) get caught up in the day dreaming about a married life, that they fail to see what God really wants them to do for HIM. Whenever we think about ourselves, and not God, we can completely ruin His plans for out lives.

I'm going into the military, and one of the things my officers told me that stuck with me is (although it's not scripture) "Arrogance is the missing of opportunity." When we're too busy fantasizing about married life, we can totally miss what God wants us to do for Him. It may even lead us to the one we're going to marry!

So I've now resigned myself to this: Right now, I can serve God at my very best as a single guy. When I meet my future wife, and the time comes that I can serve God better married to the this wonderful woman, we will be married; and our marriage will be for His glory.

Remember, we need to have priorities in our relationships. When we're married, the list will be God first, spouse second, and family third.

When you read that list as a single, stress the "God first" part, and all the rest will fall into place.

:-)

23. Tami said the following at 10:40 AM on Oct 23:

I hear you, Diana. I've attended "young" adults and singles' groups that felt an awful lot like my high school youth group.

I much prefer my intergenerational church. We're learning to seek God first, be real with one another, and really care for one another. I think that is better prep for my future marriage and family life.

24. Esther said the following at 11:41 AM on Oct 23:

Just because we love God, and He loves us, doesn't mean that things will work out, or that we won't have heartache. This is a fallen world. Why are children born with birth defects? Why do some women get married just to lose their husbands in war, with young children to care for? Why am I still single, even when everyone says I'd make a great wife? We want answers, but God doesn't always explain, nor do things always "work out" in this life. As I see it, the best I can do is to rejoice in the blessings that God has given, and pursue the things He has given me to do. Yes, it aches to see friends getting married and moving on in life, yes, I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but like Suzanne, I believe that God sees my pain and He hurts with me for the evil (i.e. a sinful broken world) that has caused it.

25. John D. said the following at 12:37 PM on Oct 23:

Ryan wrote,

"[I]t's also incredibly selfish to be constantly look[ing] for 'The One'."

With all due respect, baloney.

Why shouldn't I look for "the one"? Whom I marry is a subject that is of great importance to me. That's all the more true if I heed the Scriptures that frown on divorce and remarriage.

Searching for a mate who is right for me is in no way inconsistent with serving God or serving others. Yes, one can make an idol out of anything, including military service or even one's work on the mission field. Having standards about who ultimately becomes your spouse, and what kind of chemistry you have with that person, is not a sin.

26. Tami said the following at 1:29 PM on Oct 23:

Looking for "The One" -- as in, an idealized, perfect individual -- IS selfish. Because you're ultimately looking for someone to suit YOUR tastes and preferences, not someone you'd actually be serving in a relationship. And, I don't know about any of you, but I doubt I could ever be ideal or perfect myself, so I can't really expect that out of another human being.

I'm not arguing that you should make a lifetime commitment to someone you aren't truly compatible with. No one should just take whoever happens to come along simply because they're there. That does a disservice to both you and the other person (who is loved of God just as much as you are, and who deserves God's best for them as well).

But when I run across someone who keeps sifting through members of the opposite sex and considering none of them "good enough for them," I learn a lot about THAT person, too.

I also have some doubts about what exactly we're looking for when we're seeking "chemistry," but that's for another post.

27. Paul said the following at 1:50 PM on Oct 23:

Ro said: "I'm curious to know if anyone might know any reasons why married women want their single friends to hide their feelings of loneliness and act like they do not feel that way? Much pressure is exerted in this...Anyone have any reasons for this?"

Yes.

The following post at the Crosswalk.com singles' forum is an email I recently sent to Debbie Maken, author of "Getting Serious About Getting Married" in which I address the source of much of the confusion, frustration, anxiety, paralysis, etc. within the Body of Christ on the issue of singleness. I believe it has a theological basis. And, Calvinists, please take your blood pressure medication before reading it. ;-)

http://forums.crosswalk.com/m.aspx?m=2788040&mpage=1&key=

28. Jeffrey Whiting said the following at 1:55 PM on Oct 23:

Diana hit the nail on the head with her 'over-spiritualizing' marriage bit.

As I believe has been pointed out before: it is not reasonable to expect God to necessarily satisfy a need He has created other creatures to do. It behooves those who incessantly preach 'all-in-God's-timing' and 'Jesus-is-all-you-need' messages especially to realize this.

Diana is also right about the needless complication we inject into an event that should be part of one's natural growth into adulthood. Whether through secular influence or within an over-idealized church environment, there now exists the idea that the attainment of marriage should be some sort of epic requiring colossal amounts of spiritual discernment.

The solution here is a bit of common-sense.

29. John D. said the following at 2:35 PM on Oct 23:

Tami, I'm afraid I still disagree.

I don't expect to find an "idealized, perfect individual" in this life. Only God is perfect.

Furthermore, I expect to serve the woman I eventually marry in a sacrificial capacity, as Christ loves the church. Ephesians 5:25-28.

However, I don't see why it's wrong to seek someone to whom I am attracted and who is compatible with me. You make it sound as if having preferences or standards concerning a potential spouse is a silly or frivolous indulgence undertaken for one's own petty amusement. That's not the case at all. I plan on being married to this person for the rest of my life, so you had better believe I am going to choose carefully.

30. Paul said the following at 3:29 PM on Oct 23:

A big "Amen!" to Diana.

31. Loris said the following at 3:35 PM on Oct 23:

Karis, hang in there. My mother went to the mission field of Taiwan at age 33 in 1980. She met my dad there, a 36 year old virgin bachelor, and they married in '82. God's hand still guides, even when you seem out of the way of all the places you'd think you could meet a man.

32. Tami said the following at 4:12 PM on Oct 23:

John D., based on what you just wrote, I can see that I DO pretty much agree with you on main points, and that the disconnect may be happening over definitions of "standards". (Like -- are we talking moral standards, personality characteristics, hair and eye color, or how many books she's read?) However, I've seen too many Christian guys waiting for "The One," only to reach their upper 30's and still be searching for that perfect woman who meets their exacting list of standards. Standards which no one woman could ever hope to attain to. I'm not saying that's your attitude -- I'm just stating my real-life (as opposed to online) observations that feed my thought process here.

I didn't intend to make it sound like having preferences is whimsical. I have standards and preferences, too, and I'd be a liar if I said I didn't. I believe that God has designed me to be compatible with and attracted to a certain type of guy. And yet, if it were to become *all about me* and *my preferences*, and that's where my eyes are focused, it almost seems like a guarantee that I'll be waiting a long, long time before God blesses me with the man I'm supposed to be with. Expecting God to cater to my "wish list" and deliver on demand WOULD be selfish. (Again, I'm not saying that's YOUR attitude, or that you in particular are being selfish.)

I am guessing you still disagree with me, which is fine. :) I hope you find, pursue, and win the heart of God's best woman for you, and that she is all you have hoped for.

And yes, the only TRUE and perfect "One" is God.

33. Rebecca said the following at 6:09 PM on Oct 23:

It's interesting, because I too believe there is more than one person out there we can marry but at the same time I know that God must know.

I am at the moment a few months short of getting married.

3 years ago I had a time in my life where I was pretty insistent that God let me know he was in control of this part of my life. I asked him to tell me stuff (quite immaturely). God did speak to me during that time and I think it was relevant the place I was at. The irony of it all was that I forgot.

I got told a name. It's about as clear an answer as you can get. At the time I only barely knew one person by that name and they were engaged and in another state. I dismissed the name as sillyness and my 18yr old mind being stupid.

After I got engaged to Geoff (no not the one from the other state - one I didn't know at the time) I remembered what God had way back there then said.

Here it is. I am convinced God knows. I also think that we don't need to have that 'one person' set in stone. I think that demanding to know is somewhat foolish. I'm grateful I had yet again to trust God (when the relationship started and progressed). I am glad God let me forget.

34. Katie said the following at 11:09 PM on Oct 23:

Quoting Ro:

3) God uses the suffering of not having your basic human need to shape you as a person, and thus fails to show you compassion for this reason, because the suffering of not have this basic human need met is not good for you. (Is this a good enough reason for God to not show you compassion? How does he choose who to demonstrate compassion to and who to not provide for and ignore their needs?)

My response:
3) I don't think it's right that suffering=no compassion. I'm 21 years old, longing to be married, surrounded by many people who are getting married, and still waiting on God. It's painful. Ridiculously so. Even as I write this, I'm in pain. It's a daily struggle. I question God often. He knows that. Just take a look at my prayer journal. But does this pain mean that God is NOT showing me compassion? BY NO MEANS. I would go so far as to make the radical statement that this pain is compassion. Why? Because God is SO CLOSE in this pain. It drives me to His breast every day. This pain is a blessing. Praise the Lord for it! This verse helps me: Psalm 27:13-14: "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, yes, wait for the Lord." I hope this encourages you. God is GOOD. He loves you, and shows compassion towards you. He can't do anything but show compassion if you are covered in the blood of Jesus.

35. Rachael said the following at 11:45 PM on Oct 23:

One more comment. Even if we think there are several people who might be compatible for someone, if it is in God's will for the person to get married, there must be only one match (unless someone gets married more than once [ie. if the spouse dies...]). So I guess I just don't understand the line of thinking that there isn't just one match. If God is sovereign, wouldn't He know who we'd marry? If we only end up with one person, and the decision to marry seems to be in line with God's will, wouldn't that person be our match? And wouldn't God have known about it ahead of time?

36. John D. said the following at 7:10 AM on Oct 24:

Tami,

I think we basically do agree on the important points.

I am probably guilty of maintaining an exacting "wish list" of standards as I get older (watch just about any episode of "Seinfeld" to see how a too-picky aging bachelor operates). Given my track record so far (still single), I sometimes wonder if that is the most effective way to proceed. Who knows? Maybe the Lord will surprise me by pairing me up with someone I never would have expected to fall in love with.

37. Paul said the following at 8:26 AM on Oct 24:

Rachael,

So does that mean when a believer violates God's revealed will in Scripture by marrying an unbeliever -- which happens all the time -- that it's His will?

38. Rachael said the following at 6:09 PM on Oct 24:

Paul,

Actually, the concept of God's will and God's desires is something I want to seek to understand more fully, though I suppose I may never completely understand the concepts. At this point, I think the two may be separate, though I may use them interchangeably in my way of thinking.

Scriptural violations go against God's desires, but I also believe that God can work even in spite of and possibly through those violations, so I'm not sure they go against His will.

What I want to say is that God is ultimately in control even when we make decisions that He doesn't want us to make.

Again, I'm not 100% sure of what God's will MEANS...In my previous post, I suppose I was equating His will with what is right, what He desires to happen. Of course we frequently sin and do things contrary to what God wants.

If we marry someone who we believe God would not want us to marry, though I believe that runs contrary to God's desires, I believe that He can still work through even that situation, so does that run contrary to His will? I don't know. It depends on what His will means. Even if we marry the one we were not supposed to marry, pretty much, in my opinion, it's "too late." You're stuck with that person (except in extreme circumstances). So again, as I mentioned in my previous comment, I believe that if someone is to marry, "there must be only one match (unless someone gets married more than once [ie. if the spouse dies...])."

Knowing what God's Will IS (ie. = His desires or = His plan/knowledge of what happens) is something I want to seek to understand through Scripture and possibly other authors...

39. Theo K said the following at 1:14 AM on Oct 25:

Rachael,

I really liked your reasoning concerning God’s will.
May I suggest the following two articles:

Are there two wills in God?
What is the will of God and how do we know it

God bless!

40. Rachael said the following at 9:00 PM on Oct 25:

Theo K,

Thanks for sending along those articles! I want to reflect on them more fully later. The first one would especially require more careful concentration and thought.

41. Nikki said the following at 11:55 AM on Jul 2:

Diane,

We must let our words be few. Heaven is God's throne and earth is his footstool. Marriage is not just something casually looked upon as a light matter, it's extremely "sacred," and since God is the one that orchestrated it, then we should all know that he "knows what is best." If it's his will for us to be married, it will happen. We are not to take thought for our life, we are to seek first the kingdom of heaven and its righteousness and all things will be added unto us and that included a spouse. We should be dedicated to going about doing the will of the Father for there is much more to life than harassing and getting frustrated with God because we don't have what we think that we should have by now. There are many important matters going on in the world around us that we can dedicate our energy, time, talents, and strengths to such as "intecessory prayer" for our nation, those that are dying from starvation, and for those broken families that know what it is to have spouses and to lose them. The reason why many of us don't have is because we fail to ask and when we do ask, our "motives," are impure. A heart that is impatient, frustated, and anxious cannot and will not receive anythingfrom God. A double-minded man is unstable in his ways. Many of us ask things from God so that we may consume it upon our lusts and not for the purpose that God intends for us to have it for. Take it from someone that has been right where you are, but can sucessufully say, that waiting on God for the right spouse never killed or harmed us. God's plan is not to harm us, but to give us an expected outcome and though pain was in the process, the outcome is far more than what I could have ever imagined. In my waiting, I didn't get frustrated and started dating someone else, but I trusted God for that most sacred and precious area in my life and he brought his revealed will to past. We must remember, that God knows what's best for us in this area because he is definitely concerned about the Godly lineage and legacy continuing for generations to come. We can see by the rising divorce statistics even in the church, that God's way is best even if we may feel like we have to wait a lifetime for it, God knows what he is doing, even if we do not like it, but "it's best." Let God give you the peace that surpasseth all understanding in all situations and watch him work in a way that you can never begin to imagine!

42. Kelly H said the following at 9:02 AM on Sep 25:

I have been dating this guy for seven years. I met him in the church and we have had our ups and downs but God has always been our focus and concern. On Christmas he proposed to me, letting me know that this is God's Will. Two months before the wedding he called it off arguing that he misunderstood God. He later tells me that he doesn't even know if we are supposed to be together anymore and he needs a divine revelation from God. I don't know what to make of it. I can't be really upset with him for seeking God but I don't understand why after so long. I love him to death and believe we were working in his Will. Is this okay? Is this right? He doesn't even look at me the same way anymore. I haven't done anything to deserve this from him. Does God work in such confusion? I mean, he says God wants us to just be friends right now. The Bible says God is not the author of confusion...I'm confused. We were happy!

Please advise.

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