Trusting God with Relationships, Part 6 by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/31/2007 at 9:50 AM

I cannot conclude this series without considering the formidable task of trusting God with relationships in the absence of possibilities. When there's a promising online match, a friendship that appears to be blossoming into more or an interesting fellow you met at that last wedding you attended, trust is a bit easier. There's something tangible to rest your hope in (even if it never goes anywhere).

But what of the dry spells? I discussed this in an article I wrote last year:

I am single.

I'm not ashamed to say it. Most of the time I'm OK with it. By "OK" I mean I don't break down in tears after attending my fifth wedding in one summer. I don't mourn with a tub of mint chocolate chip and "Sleepless in Seattle" every time I have a quiet Saturday night ... or four. And I barely cringe when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?"

I smile and explain (with maybe a bit of overcompensating enthusiasm) that there's not currently a special someone (nor has there been for three years), but I'm confident, in God's perfect timing, the right one will come along.

I know from experience, this kind of waiting gets old. Really old. Relationship advice is all well and good, but how do you apply it to the reality of no viable options? I cannot tell you that God will deliver you a spouse. I can tell you He cares about you deeply, is invested in this idea of marriage and has the power to provide a godly mate. Still, I also know you can't negotiate with God to secure that person.

For the everyday pain singles face while they're waiting for a spouse, I am reminded of two principles for living. First, regardless of whether God blesses me in this way, I am called to trust Him. In a very painful and confusing situation, Job said: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15). 

Second, God is all powerful and my lack of a spouse has nothing to do with His ability to provide. Not only that, but He wants good for me. Consider 1 Corinthians 2:9: "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.' "

Perhaps the most important thing to remember when enduring a dry spell is to avoid giving in to bitterness. Not only will it render you spiritually useless, but others will cease to be drawn to you. Along with pursuing the straight path, rejoicing in God's romantic heart, actively building community and seeking to respect and build up the men I know, I must choose to live in the life-giving joy of Christ. The truth is, the Lord is worthy of my trust even when I don't see how He's working. And because of that, in the dry spell, I still have hope.

Trusting God with Relationships, Part 6 by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 10/31/2007 at 9:50 AM

I cannot conclude this series without considering the formidable task of trusting God with relationships in the absence of possibilities. When there's a promising online match, a friendship that appears to be blossoming into more or an interesting fellow you met at that last wedding you attended, trust is a bit easier. There's something tangible to rest your hope in (even if it never goes anywhere).

But what of the dry spells? I discussed this in an article I wrote last year:

I am single.

I'm not ashamed to say it. Most of the time I'm OK with it. By "OK" I mean I don't break down in tears after attending my fifth wedding in one summer. I don't mourn with a tub of mint chocolate chip and "Sleepless in Seattle" every time I have a quiet Saturday night ... or four. And I barely cringe when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?"

I smile and explain (with maybe a bit of overcompensating enthusiasm) that there's not currently a special someone (nor has there been for three years), but I'm confident, in God's perfect timing, the right one will come along.

I know from experience, this kind of waiting gets old. Really old. Relationship advice is all well and good, but how do you apply it to the reality of no viable options? I cannot tell you that God will deliver you a spouse. I can tell you He cares about you deeply, is invested in this idea of marriage and has the power to provide a godly mate. Still, I also know you can't negotiate with God to secure that person.

For the everyday pain singles face while they're waiting for a spouse, I am reminded of two principles for living. First, regardless of whether God blesses me in this way, I am called to trust Him. In a very painful and confusing situation, Job said: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15). 

Second, God is all powerful and my lack of a spouse has nothing to do with His ability to provide. Not only that, but He wants good for me. Consider 1 Corinthians 2:9: "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.' "

Perhaps the most important thing to remember when enduring a dry spell is to avoid giving in to bitterness. Not only will it render you spiritually useless, but others will cease to be drawn to you. Along with pursuing the straight path, rejoicing in God's romantic heart, actively building community and seeking to respect and build up the men I know, I must choose to live in the life-giving joy of Christ. The truth is, the Lord is worthy of my trust even when I don't see how He's working. And because of that, in the dry spell, I still have hope.

Comments

[1. John D. said the following at 10:18 AM on Oct 31:]

1

Did anyone (not that you were desperate or anything) ever consider just marrying a random person (obviously a fellow Christian, 2 Cor. 6:14), but without worrying about whether that person is your soul mate or the best possible mate you could find?

If you really wanted to be married right away, you could, you know. Just jump right in and trust God to work out the details.

Probably, that's where the expression "marry in haste, repent at leisure" came from.

Also, Google "Britney Spears" and "annulment."

Not that I am recommending the idea. Just wondering.

[2. Marie said the following at 10:38 AM on Oct 31:]

2

Suzanne-
Thanks so much for this series. I enjoyed it immensely and God has used you to encourage my heart. Well done!

[3. Chris, a follower of Jesus Christ said the following at 10:52 AM on Oct 31:]

3

Heh, dry spell?! Some friends have gone 28.75 out of their 29 years of life sans girlfriend. Another male friend is a grad student, nearing the age of 30, without having dated someone for 29.5 years.

There are several things that are helpful, one is the constant reminder, and looking over one's life, one can see that trusting in God's perfect provision is always the best. We are tempted to shortcut and demand our way, when our perfect Creator and Lord wants to give us even better than we want.

When we are tempted by the green-eyed monster of jealousy and envy, as one pastor put it, "You know you are really over that sin when you can truly rejoice with other people and not feel one ounce of self-pity or desire for what they have." It is to love others so much that you rejoice with those who rejoice, and celebrate the blessings God has wraught in their lives, as we are one body. That would be a great place to be for all of us.

There are other things that one is to do. The gift of singleness (which may only be for a time) is given for the edification of the church, and while many use that time to throw a pity party or to idolize dating and make it a sole focus, it is a time of service to God. One wise older man once told me that the Christian life is one of balancing being fed and feeding others, and that even as single Christians, there are many opportunities to feed others. We must fight our sinful tendencies to be SELF-centered and fight to be GOD-centered!

[4. Seth M said the following at 10:56 AM on Oct 31:]

4

Probably the thing I want to see most when I die is I want to look back and see how God acted, I can only envision it like a spiderweb of billions of things that take place from all over the world that cause the things that we only see from our limited field of view, I want to see the things that took place to make all of this happen I can't help but feel like it will just fill me with awe. The billions of ways that our prayers have an impact on us and others and the ways that God was working for us when we didn't even realize just how blessed we really were.

It's most difficult to believe when you can't see but blessed are those who don't see yet still believe...(Yes I realize that was in a different sort of context)

[5. REally Lonely 23 Year Old said the following at 11:33 AM on Oct 31:]

5

Good article. The older I get, the more I realize there are no easy answers to tough questions. My heart ACHES for a husband daily, but I've learned not to question God's wisdom or goodness. Though I WILL keep asking Him for one.

There seem to be lots of singles on this website. If we only had each other's pictures, and a means of contact, I bet It would facilitate many marriages.

[6. Donna said the following at 12:42 PM on Oct 31:]

6

I have never had a boyfriend. A christian for two decades. For persons from pentecostal backgrounds it is not unusual.
Alot of the current books on dating I don't agree with.

[7. nikki said the following at 12:43 PM on Oct 31:]

7

If we only had each other's pictures, and a means of contact, I bet It would facilitate many marriages.

There are plenty of already-running online dating services; have you tried one of those?

[8. Suzanne said the following at 1:05 PM on Oct 31:]

8

John D. Yes, that is certainly an option. Personally, I do not believe it would be a wise one. If I believed marriage itself was God's primary purpose for my life, what you propose would make sense. However, I believe God's primary purpose for me is to a)know Him; b)glorify Him. Marrying any old Christian Joe has the potential to hinder these purposes, not enhance them. Just like a great friend inspires you and causes you to grow, a marriage partner with whom you share similar thoughts on life, ambitions and senses of humor will do more good than someone less suited. You can pull together from the beginning.

[9. Adam Sloope said the following at 1:13 PM on Oct 31:]

9

I think other biblical truths we should rely on in addition to Suzanne's wonderful one's are:
Matt 6:33-33-But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Psalm 20:4-May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

If we seek His kingdom first all things will come including a dating relationship that leads into marriage. Maybe we feel like we are sitting down here asking, "How long God, until you give me what I want?" and He may be asking, "How long will you continue to see it's not good right now for you?"

God puts desires in our hearts. If we are seeking His kingdom He will place desires that He has for us within our hearts, so our desires will be unified with His. Marriage is something I believe God places on your heart and He will fulfill that desire in His timing.

I agree, Suzanne, this has been a great series, especially for someone going through the fringe of dating right now, skeptical of it all.

[10. Childless single woman said the following at 2:12 PM on Oct 31:]

10

I am not sure I can agree with this post, or the gist of many of the comments. In essence, they all seems to be saying: Trust in God, wait on the Lord, and in His perfect timing he will bring you your spouse, unless of course you have the gift of singleness, which may last for a season or a lifetime - there is no way of knowing whether God's plans for you include a spouse or not until you get to heaven.
I wonder if we could apply the same logic to employment/unemployment as we do for marriage/singleness?
In other words, trust in God for a job, wait on the Lord, and in His perfect timing he will bring a job to you, unless of course you have the gift of unemployment, which may last for a season or a lifetime - there is no way of knowing really whether God's plans for you include a job or not until you get to heaven.
If we can, well then there would be an awful lot of unemployed Christians.
If we can't, then why do we apply it to singleness?

[11. Melanie said the following at 2:30 PM on Oct 31:]

11

Thanks Suzanne...this series has so many good reminders for me JUST at the perfect time! Most significant, for me, is seeing another Godly girl seeking the Lord's face, but who is also willing to be vulnerable in order to share what He is teaching her. It encourages my heart to see your transparency!

My prayer is that during this waiting time, we girls (and guys too) will experience the true joy the Lord gives for each day, trusting that "He goeth before."

[12. single/certain said the following at 3:11 PM on Oct 31:]

12

wonderful article. it really hits the prolonged singleness nail on the head. there is no easy answer, no quick fix. thanks for this, suzanne, i will def. be linking to it from my blog.

[13. Suzanne said the following at 4:10 PM on Oct 31:]

13

Childless single woman, I don't know that unemployment and singleness is a fair comparison. I'm currently going through Focus' Truth Project, and industry and marriage are set up as different spheres, each carrying different biblical principles. I understand what you're saying about the idea of taking initiative, but there are very different considerations. Employment can be changed at any time; marriage cannot. I'm sure most of us would agree that getting a job is not as complex as selecting a lifelong marriage partner. Out of need, a person may get a job that they find generally unfulfilling, with the plan of upgrading later. Obviously, it would be wrong to apply this same mindset to marriage. I just can't make the jump from job seeking to mate seeking.

[14. Childless single woman said the following at 5:00 PM on Oct 31:]

14

Suzanne - Thank you for responding to my post. Of course I agree with this: "a person may get a job that they find generally unfulfilling, with the plan of upgrading later. Obviously, it would be wrong to apply this same mindset to marriage."
I don't think I said anything to imply "upgrading" a marriage is an option.
But whose "plan" are you referring to when you say a person may have a plan to change jobs later? The individual's? Or God's? Or do you believe (as I do) that we need to be co-workers with God in all areas of our lives?
Which leads me on to what I think may be the crucial point. You said: "industry and marriage are set up as different spheres, each carrying different biblical principles".
Could you expand on that please? Which Biblical principles are you referring to that differ with regard to industry and marriage?

[15. kaj said the following at 5:15 PM on Oct 31:]

15

The analogies I like to use when it comes to dispensing advice to singles (often in the form of worn-out, trite, uncomforting cliches akin to Proverbs 25:20) is to that of infertility.

Both singleness and infertility can have in common that it involves a deep, unfulfilled (and often frustrating) longing that has yet to be met. And along with that longing, come those who do not understand one's personal pain in either situation.

For example, I would find it cold and heartless (although the person means well) to say to a woman/couple struggling with infertility, "Oh, don't worry, you'll have a baby someday," "Wait on the Lord and he will make sure you get pregnant," or "Trust God during your season of infertility," let alone the "gift of infertility?"

Would we also say to the infertile, "You just need to try harder?" or "Get right with God (or improve your relationship with Him) and then He will give you a child?

A good passage to read in Scripture that correlates with this is 1 Samuel 1:1-20. Compare Elkanah's "comforting advice" with that of Eli's blessing to Hannah.

[16. singlecertain said the following at 5:46 PM on Oct 31:]

16

childless single woman, i agree that not taking initiative is bad, generally. but after going to therapy, reading books, going on tons of dates, trying eharmony and match, reading more books, and going to more therapy, i've realized that this situation is completely out of my hands. i am open, i am a wonderful person to be around, and yet i am still single. there is nothing left for me to fix. there is nothing left for me to do other than trust god. so i am still open, i still go one dates, but i am thinking that this is now about waiting, not taking initiative. and i am trusting that whatever he has for me will be worth it.

[17. Suzanne said the following at 6:51 PM on Oct 31:]

17

CSW,

I am only saying that employment is a wide sphere in which you are not necessarily making a lifetime choice. The Truth Project's discussion about the spheres -- marriage, family, church, state, industry -- is not particularly relevant to our current discussion. I was only pointing out that they are different. Industry is primarily functional; marriage is primarily relational. Relational matters tend to be more complex.

I do see your point in that trusting in unemployment and trusting in singleness both require a God component and a human component. I addressed this in Part 4. Beyond being receptive to godly men who are pursuing you and getting into circles where you meet said men, what do you suggest?

If I am unemployed and a reasonably intelligent person, I could certainly go get a job at McDonald's. It may not be ideal (and no offense to McDonald's workers out there), but it will meet my basic needs. Are you suggesting the equivalent of this for singles? I think that's unwise -- to make a match that you know is far from ideal out of impatience. With the job, you can change it later. With the spouse, not so much. Of course, I'm not advocating extreme pickiness. But God gives us wisdom, and marriage is a permanent decision. I just don't see the wisdom in approaching it in the same way I would getting a job.

[18. Rachael said the following at 7:27 PM on Oct 31:]

18

Thank you Suzanne, for sharing your heart with us in your series. You wrote, "the Lord is worthy of my trust even when I don't see how He's working." YES!! We DON'T always know how He's working.

Though I'm also not completely satisfied with the singleness aspect of my life, and recently I think I wasn't feeling completely content with my job and activities, I feel that God might be opening my eyes to see that He might be working in other (non-romantic) interactions at work and activities. It is so, SO exciting to think that He might be working through some of those conversations/interactions!

He is faithful, and He is in control. Yes, He will provide... and it's so wonderful to know that He can work in and through us regardless of our marital status.

[19. Novagirl from Arlington VA said the following at 8:05 PM on Oct 31:]

19

I'm 33, single female, and I'm also waiting/staying open/dating anyone who asks (at least once)/hoping to be married someday.

Someone mentioned: "If we only had each other's pictures, and a means of contact, I bet It would facilitate many marriages."

This might be a little out there, but might I suggest a website for this? I have no personal interest in this site -- I just happened to find it recently. It's Christian and FREE (supported by ads and donations).

I haven't joined yet, but I liked that it is free. I go to a large church and was really frustrated when Eharmony matched me with two men who attend my church. In my cyncism, I thought... well, I guess it has come to this, I have to pay $30/month to be matched with people in my own church!!! So, for anyone who's interested, here's the site:

http://www.christiansoulmates.com/membershipinfo.aspx

And to the Boundless authors, thanks... this is my first comment and I have been so encouraged by what I've read here.

[20. Tami said the following at 9:39 PM on Oct 31:]

20

"...I have to pay $30/month to be matched with people in my own church!!!"

I always figured this had to have happened to someone!

"Have you tried eHarmony?" is now the de facto follow-up question to "Have you met someone?"

I may be repeating myself... but I remember being at a party where someone said, "Right now, it only costs $*** to pay for a year of eHarmony." I replied (sort of) in jest, "Why should I bother to pay for eHarmony for a whole year, and still have no guarantee of meeting someone I want to marry? I can wait to meet someone right now, for free!"

[21. Leah said the following at 1:33 AM on Nov 1:]

21

"when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?""

I wish people didn't do that. Fortunately I don't see it happen much around me. But really, I don't see any point in people doing it. Once he/she has a special someone in their life, I'm sure you'll hear about it. You don't need to pester people about it.

[22. Childless single woman said the following at 2:05 AM on Nov 1:]

22

Singlecertain - Without wanting to delve into your personal matters, I think a general point can be made in response to this comment: "there is nothing left for me to fix."
This is at the heart of so much of the suffering, even spiritual abuse, that single Christian women face: They are given the impression that they need to battle their discontent otherwise God won't give them a husband. They need to "prepare" for marriage - maybe for many, many decades into adulthood until perhaps they become barren, and even after all that preparing it may not be "God's will" for them to marry. They need to watch their vocaublary too. If they say they want to "get married" instead of "be a wife", well, again, that's proof that they are in error and they have much, much work to do until God deems them ready for a spouse.
The essence of the matter is that women are battling to fix a problem that isn't really there.
The real problem that needs tackling is a) the lack of men in the church, b) the effect this has on the few single men that there are, which is seriously compounded by the contemporary teaching which discourages them from seeking a wife in a purposeful way (ie. they too are "waiting on the Lord" for "God's best"). It is paralysing them, and the single men are suffering at the hands of the church too, although they are usually not aware of how their masculinity is being eroded away.
Suzanne - I am going to be late for work if I write any more now. I would like to address your comment later if I many (I want to make sure I am clear).
Kaj - I think your analogy is a very good one. I have a refining suggestion to make: I think the church is actually causing the "infertility" in the first place. Then when women express their concerns over this, they are either scolded for discontentment and made to feel they have oh so much work to do on themselves before God can possibly give them a spouse, or offered said trite cliches.
But of course, sadly, this "infertility" is actually not just an analogy, but a very real effect of the problem.

[23. Childless single woman said the following at 4:38 AM on Nov 1:]

23

Suzanne - I don't think there is any discussion to be had about the fact that jobs can be changed but marriage is for life (or that relationships are complex, for that matter!).
The point I was making was why do we say (words to the effect of): "Trust in God, wait on the Lord, and in His perfect timing he will bring you your spouse" when we don't apply that principle in any other area of our lives?
If it is a Biblical principle relating to marriage/singleness alone, I would like to see where that is backed up by the Bible.
As far as I can see, there is no Biblical basis for it.
On the contrary, the Biblical emphasis is actually for us (men and parents primarily) to take a highly proactive approach: "Be fruitful and increase in number" (Genesis 1:28, 9:1 and 9:7) "Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too many have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." (Jeremiah 29: 6) "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Paul also says that "each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2), and even counsels younger widows "to marry, to have children" (1 Timothy 5:14) let alone barren spinsters!
I do not see any Biblical principle behind "waiting on the Lord" for God to bring our spouse to us.
As I have said, on the contrary, it seems a very proactive approach is the Biblical instruction.
"Waiting" also seems contrary to God's design for our bodies, and we should respect that. Women reach the peak of their fertility in their early 20s and there are many health implications for mother and child in giving birth later in life. (Recent evidence also shows that men's fertility and the health of their sperm decreases significantly after the age of 35, which can cause problems for the child. In fact I read an article recently saying that women have received the brunt of the blame for health problems regarding having children later in life, but actually this applies to men too.)
All I am asking for please is the Biblical foundation for the "waiting on the Lord to bring us our spouse" principle.
I think the truth is that we have invented this doctrine because it is an easy answer to give single Christian women to a complex problem.
You ask "Beyond being receptive to godly men who are pursuing you and getting into circles where you meet said men, what do you suggest?"
Actually, they shouldn't have to do anything else.
But the "system", so to speak, is broken, and that is why it is not working for so many women.
We need to tackle the root causes of the problem, then women wouldn't need to do anything else.
At the moment however, women are battling a societal culture and a church culture that is not proactive regarding marriage. The societal culture is not something we can address directly. The best approach, in my opinion, is to be the salt and light in our culture and show them that marriage is a better way than protracted singleness.
At the moment, we are just mimicking our culture.
We can, and must, however do something about our church culture.
I can't remember exactly what I wrote in my previous post, but in a nutshell my suggestions are:
a) Outreaching to men so that there are enough men in the church body for all the single women, which there clearly is not at the moment.
b) Scrapping all the new fangled doctrines we have invented and go back to teaching that it is good to marry and that single men should be proactively seeking a wife (unless they have a gifting for celibacy of course, but that's another discussion relating to the mythical "gift of singleness" which only applies to a tiny fraction of Christians, so I'm not even gonna go there right now!).
So - what can do single Christian women do right now? I have three suggestions:
1) Encourage church leaders to make out reaching to men in the world a priority (and that is something badly needed anyway, not just to give single women husbands, but with far wider implications. At the moment, we are largely a fighting army of girls!).
2) Do not accept the new doctrines that have surfaced in the last 30 years or so, and don't be ashamed about, or beat yourself up about, or repent over, your desire for a husband. On the contrary, they should confidently state that they are not content single, they have no wish to be content about something that God Himself said was not good and which He has given us the ability to do something about, boldly state that they want to get married and ask friends/relatives to help them in their search. If they receive a contentment lecture or are told they should "wait on the Lord", they should smile sweetly and say that they reject that in the name of Jesus as they believe it to be unBiblical, and move swiftly on! You could, if you wish, try to explain why you believe this, but that gets very tiring and I am not sure how productive it is.
3) (And this is very controversial, I know!) Single Christian women (once they have reached say about the age of 25 or 26 and are still single) should begin to widen their social circles beyond the "church" body. It is my opinion that God would not have made this gender ratio error that we are experiencing at the moment. It seems likely that what has happened is that church leaders have stopped out reaching to men, in favour of a heavy bias towards women and children's ministries. This has meant that a lot of men in the world have the wrong impression of "church". Consequently, it is my belief that there are lots of Godly men out there in the world, that just need a little encouragement, but no one is doing the encouraging. This is also backed-up by my observations whereby if you scratch beneath the surface of many an apparently worldly man, you will find a man that does know God, but doesn't really know how to go about progressing that relationship, and also wants nothing more in this life than to meet a good woman, get married and have a family.
But in doing suggestion 3) I think women need to tread carefully, and really need the support of at least one Godly, wise, mature advisor. I only hope they can all find one.

[24. Novagirl from Arlington VA said the following at 4:57 AM on Nov 1:]

24

Not to complicate things, but here is another Christian dating site that is completely free.

http://www.onlylonelyfish.com/

Again, I have no personal interest in this site.

[25. Suzanne said the following at 9:27 AM on Nov 1:]

25

Childless Single Woman,

I don't find much to argue with in what you are saying. Suffering the effects of sin in our world is something humankind has been dealing with since Adam. And I agree with you that the general confusion over marriage in our culture is one of those effects. I particularly think your action points are good. Churches do need to do a better job of encouraging both single men and women and fostering a biblical perspective of marriage. I believe if you were to read my other articles on relationships and marriage, you would find that I am not advocating the type of "waiting" you're concerned about. I happen to believe in a very proactive approach...in line with seeking the Lord.

My exhortation to trust God with relationships is meant as encouragement to those who would love to be married, are willing to take the steps and yet still find themselves without a mate. True, there is a root problem (as you explained), but God has promised to be near to those who are suffering the results of the fall, whether illness, death of a loved one, loneliness, poverty, injustice, etc. As singles, I believe drawing near to the Lord in our inadequacy is our best hope. And as we draw near to Him, He will show us the steps we need to take to be faithful followers and address the problems that exist within our lives and the church. CSW, this problem is not beyond God's help or control.

I do disagree with you on waiting not being biblical. Consider these Scriptures:

Psalm 5:3—In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Psalm 27:14—Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 33:20—We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 37:7—Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 37:34—Wait for the LORD and keep his way.

Psalm 38:15—I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.

Psalm 119:166—I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.

Psalm 130:5—I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Isaiah 40:31—But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

All believers, single or married, have times in life where they are forced to wait. This waiting produces spiritual maturity and intimacy with God. I agree with you that incorrect teachings about marriage need to be addressed and corrected. But waiting on the Lord is no shame.

[26. ending living like a tired, lonely, twentysomething woman said the following at 9:42 AM on Nov 1:]

26

Dear Childless Single woman:

I do understand your concerns,and your basis for asking the question about "waiting on the Lord." However, there is a difference between being "proactive" and being OBSESSED with being married. I think what really needs to happen is a strong examination in our own individual hearts about what contentment,joy, fulfillment, success,and happiness really is in the light of God's Word. However, I have seen very few proactive single Christian men around me, but I"ve seen a lot of marriage obssessed single men and women. Single men and women who are obssessed with "being married" and marrying by a certain age so they can have children. What's the real motive here? These men and women go out and try EVERYTHING except going to God about their desires for marriage and family. They ask anyone out and do not attend fellowships with the intent of building relationships and genuinely knowing others on an authentic level, but with the purpose of "finding a mate."

A proactive person, however, is going hard after God's heart, constantly laying their heart before God regarding this issue in prayer and trusting Him regarding their relationship choices. However, they are proactive in that they: don't put what God has called them to do and their passions and interests on hold waiting for "the one", are pursuing growth and maturity in every other area of their life(emotionally,physically,socially,etc.), and are preparing to be the best person that GOD wants to be. I want to be a wonderful woman of God not because I simply see marriage and family as the end goal, but because:
a) I want to please God b) want to live my life surrendered totally to Him, c)fulfilling God's purposes and plans for my life.

My priorities in my life are in things that have eternal value. Do I believe that marriage and family relationships have a part to play in this? Absolutely. But I also believe it is dangerous and or rude to imply or tell people that there's something wrong with them because they're not married and/or have kids by a certain age. There are some valid reasons why some people are not married and have children, and those need to be taken into account(i.e. lack of maturity, character issues that the person refuses to deal with and/or lack of responsibility)

Granted, these are my thoughts, not law. So before we go and start complaining about the problem, let's be part of the solution---not by complaining, but by praying and then acting. Meaning, we walk in love and encourage our brothers: appropriately affirming them but still setting clear boundaries and expectations in our relationships with them, and genuinely interacting with them, telling the truth about their interactions with us(as well as genuinely listening with their feedback as well). Sometimes the things that irritate us about each other point to levels of immaturity in our own minds and hearts.

[27. Childless single woman said the following at 11:02 AM on Nov 1:]

27

Suzanne - Thank you again for responding to my comment. But why do you address me and say: "this problem is not beyond God's help or control"? Did I ever say it was? But does the reality that there is not an atom in the universe that is "beyond God's help or control" mean that our responsibilites are abdicated? I'm sure you don't think that.
And why do say you disagree with me on "waiting not being Biblical"? I never said any such thing. I wanted to know the Biblical principle behind: "waiting on the Lord TO BRING YOU YOUR SPOUSE", as it seems to me that the Biblical approach to marriage is very proactive, particularly on the part of the man and the parents of both men and women. (I don't mean to be rude by capitalising that, btw - it's just for clarity.)
However "waiting on the Lord" is unbiblical in my opinion when there are things we ourselves should be doing, injustices that we should be addressing, wrongs that we should be challenging etc. etc.
I read a while back something by Selwyn Hughes, which had the following observation:
"Did you know that once God rebuked Moses for praying? 'Then the Lord said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on."' (Exodus 14:15-16) Moses had already prayed -- now came the time for action."
In the previous verse, Moses was basically telling the Israelites to wait and trust in the Lord. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." But no, God rebuked him for that and told him to take action.
Maybe God is saying to us when we pray for a spouse: "Why are you crying out to me? You know your church is neglecting to reach out to men in the world, you know the teaching on singleness is all wrong, you know you need to look beyond church circles for a believing man that you can help and encourage. It's time to move on."
So there is no shame in waiting on the Lord. But there is sometimes shame in only waiting on the Lord.

[28. Childless single woman said the following at 11:43 AM on Nov 1:]

28

Dear Ending living like a tired, lonely etc etc
Oh no! The last thing that needs to happen is "a strong examination in our own individual hearts about what contentment,joy, fulfillment, success,and happiness really is in the light of God's Word."
Oh please! Single Christian women are doing far too much examining of their own hearts!
And what's this denial of the fact that God has designed a timeline within which we are able to have children?
And why do you imagine Christian women are not praying about their desire for marriage?
And what exactly is wrong about trying to find a mate? (If not in a Christian singles group, I am at a loss to know where would be better!)
The problem is none of these things. The problem is that the desire goes unfulfilled for so much longer in our generation than God ever intended it to. That is what needs to be addressed (see my previous essay!).
And where is the contradiction between "a) Wanting to please God b) Wanting to live my life surrendered totally to Him, c) Fulfilling God's purposes and plans for my life" and getting married?
It is absolute nonsense to pit a desire for marriage against these things! For example, supposing someone said "a...b...c..." and for that reason they are not going to get serious about looking for a job. It would not take the brain of a genius to say, hang on, maybe it would be pleasing, surrendering and fulfilling God's plans if you picked up a newspaper and started applying for work!
We need to respect God's plan as revealed in Scripture. And that includes work, marriage, family etc.
Oh and there's so much more I could say about how much better we would all be if people did challenge single men and women about why we are not married!
And I am not sure it is even a good thing necessarily to have close fellowship with our brothers (even in a platonic way). Having lots of female friends with which to "fellowship" is another part of the problem which in my opinion does not help motivate them to find a wife.
So yes, your post did irritate me! Several times! ;-)
You can make of that what you will...
:-)

[29. BDB said the following at 12:25 PM on Nov 1:]

29

Leah wrote:

>>Once he/she has a special someone in their life, I'm sure you'll hear about it. You don't need to pester people about it.<<

Ha! That reminds me of something I heard at a military air show once. Never ask someone if they're a fighter pilot. If they're not, you'll make them feel bad. If they are, they'll already have told you.

[30. Suzanne said the following at 12:44 PM on Nov 1:]

30

CSW,

I think we've heard each other out. And we more or less agree on this issue. God bless you as you wait on Him for a time when you will be MMW (married mother woman). :) You brought up some good points.

[31. ending living like a tired,lonely, twentysomething woman said the following at 1:51 PM on Nov 1:]

31

childless single woman:

Wow---there are so many issues with your response I don't know where to begin. But I will try to make sure I understand what you're saying.

To me (and please respond if I'm wrong)it sounds like you didn't understand my post at all. I'm not trying to say that marriage is bad, or that it's wrong to desire marriage, or even to say that it's an either or scenario--marriage/family or pleasing God. I am merely asking people to really be honest with themselves about why they want to be married and have children. Is it because your family says you should and everyone is saying you should by now? Is it because you think that being married and having a family will stop all the pain you're experiencing right now? Is it because YOU PICTURED AND PLANNED YOUR LIFE UP TO THIS POINT AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MARRIED BY NOW? Is it because you believe that marriage and children is the BEST and only way to please God?

The problem is when you STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE because you're so depressed that your'e not married or have children by a certain age. The problem is when you start listening to what other people say your life should look like instead of what God has instructed you to do regarding marriage and family IN YOUR INDIVIDUAL LIFE. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT MARRIAGE AND FAMILY ISN'T A PART OF WHAT GOD HAS INSTRUCTED FOR US TO DO. The problem that I have with your posting is the specific timeline. Not everyone is supposed to get married at EXACTLY THE SAME AGE, and to me, it seems that if you are implying that all Christian young adults should be married straight out of college, thereby ostracizing and/or pressuring those who are not married by that age to GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY.

That is the obsession that I am talking about. I am not saying that it is wrong for single Christians to meet people. I am not saying that people shouldn't go out and meet other single men and women of the faith. The problem is when you are looking for marriage and family to solve all your problems, or think that all unmarried Christian twentysomethings need to be married and have a family in order for the loneliness to go away. I do recognize the desire for companionship, but I realize that being married and having a family is not the end goal of my relationship with God. Is it a part of it? Absolutely. But it is not THE PRIZE I am seeking. I am seeking the "well done, thou good and faithful servant" prize.

Call me unneccesarily delaying my singleness, but I don't want to base my worth, my esteem, and my satisfaction in life solely on being married and having children, or base it in comparison of what others are doing. I want my identity, security, and esteem based on what Christ has done and out of who he is, not out of peer pressure or what other people say your life should look like.

[32. Christina said the following at 4:17 PM on Nov 1:]

32

Suzanne, great series. Do you have any additional thoughts on how to be content in singleness in this circumstance: A former serious beau has moved on to another relationship...or gotten married. So tough!

It's hard not to feel left behind...

[33. Childless single woman said the following at 5:15 PM on Nov 1:]

33

Dear Ending living like a etc.
I don't think we have misunderstood each other at all. I just totally and utterly disagree with just about every word you say. No misunderstanding there. :-)
Be blessed. x

[34. Adam said the following at 9:46 PM on Nov 1:]

34

Suzanne,

Let me just say that I agree with what you are saying. If I may, I was thinking of this passagen when I was reading what you wrote:

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

Childless single woman,

you said:
On the contrary, the Biblical emphasis is actually for us (men and parents primarily) to take a highly proactive approach: "Be fruitful and increase in number" (Genesis 1:28, 9:1 and 9:7) "Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too many have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." (Jeremiah 29: 6) "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Paul also says that "each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2), and even counsels younger widows "to marry, to have children" (1 Timothy 5:14) let alone barren spinsters!
I do not see any Biblical principle behind "waiting on the Lord" for God to bring our spouse to us.

I would say you have not carefully looked at any of these passages. I would like to go through them one by one, and show you why.

First of all, you quote the phrase, "be fruitful and multiply" in Genesis 1:28, 9:1, and 9:7. However, that is not the only two imperatives that are there:

Genesis 1:28 God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."

Now, I don't know of anyone that has given birth to so many children that they fill the earth. That would mean that no one could obey that command. A couple would have to give birth to around seven million children before we could say that they have been obedient to that command.

Of course, the reality is that the command is given to humanity in general, and it is the entire group of humanity [not individuals] who are commanded to be fruitful and multiply.

You also mention Jeremiah 29:6. However, that is in the context of the exile. Jeremiah is dealing with the false prophets who were saying that the end of the exile was near [v.8-9]. The commands given in this passage are examples of a common Hebraic literary structure called a "merism." That is, it is talking about the whole by enumerating the parts. Here is the entirety of the text:

Jeremiah 29:5-7 'Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens and eat their produce. 6 'Take wives and become the fathers of sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; and multiply there and do not decrease. 7 'Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare.'

Notice, that the imperatives refer to the professional aspects of ones life [Build houses and plant gardens (v.5)], the personal aspects of ones life [marriages (v.6)], and the political aspects of ones life [the welfare of the city (v.7)]. By enumerating the parts of an individual's life, Jeremiah is telling the exiles to continue life as normal in Babylon. He is telling them to not think that they are only going to be there a short time, but to prepare to start a new life there.

Also, your interpretation of the passage proves too much. For instance, are you really saying that God is commanding everyone to build houses, and that renting or buying a house is wrong [v.5a]? Are you really saying that anyone who does not plant a garden is somehow sinning [v.5b]? Indeed, in both of these verses, it seems you cannot stay consistent with your interpretation the whole way through the passage.

With regards to 1 Corinthians 7:2, notice the structure of verses 2-4

2. man...wife...woman...husband
3. husband...wife...wife...husband
4. wife...husband...husband...wife

In each of these verses we have a common structure in the New Testament known as a Chiasm. Because of the chiastic structure of these three verses, most NT scholars believe that these go together.

However, verses 3-4 are talking about married people. That is exactly what I [as well as NT commentators such as Gordon Fee] believe that verse 2 is talking about as well,given that they are all in the same structure.

Now, as far as the word "have," it can be used as a euphemism for sexual relations. For instance:

Matthew 14:3-4 For when Herod had John arrested, he bound him and put him in prison because of Herodias, the wife of his brother Philip. 4 For John had been saying to him, "It is not lawful for you to have her."

Also lending credence to this interpretation is the fact that Paul uses a different verb in commanding people to marry down in verse 9. It seems odd that Paul would switch his terminology that quickly. Consider also that Paul says that he has no command for virgins [v.25], and that he tells them in verse 27 that single people are not to seek a wife. Whether you limit verse 27 to the present distress or not, you have, on both counts, made the apostle contradict himself.

Also, consider that the statement in verse 1 implies that it is somehow better to not have sexual relations. It seems to me that the Corinthians could have naturally drawn from that statement that it was therefore better to abstain from sexual relations with your spouse. Thus, the command in verse 2 would have been necessary to forbid married people from a celebate relationship with their spouses.

As for 1 Timothy 5:14, Paul is talking, in context, about a specific honors list for widows [v.9-11]. Paul tells Timothy not to put younger widows on such a list. He tells them that they may have the desire to marry, and thus, they should not be put on that list [v.11]. Thus, when we come to verse 14, the context has not changed. That is why the NASB inserts the term "widows:"

1 Timothy 5:14 Therefore, I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach;

However, Paul had already said that if widows can control their desires it is acceptable for them to remain single [1 Corinthians 7:7-9]. Thus, the NIV's "council" is probably better than "want" to avoid making the apostle contradict himself.

Also, what does Proverbs 18:22 have to do with anything? It seems entirely irrelevant to the discussion.

Indeed, as Jesus said, even the essential things such as food and clothes are things about which we are not to worry [Matthew 6:25-34]. Therefore, we cannot worry about whether or not we will marry. I certainly do think that we need to go out and pursue marriage if we desire it. However, God is under no obligation to cause that pursuit to be successful. He is the king of our life, and in fact, is the one who ordained that we would search in the first place. If, indeed, God says "no," and our pursuit is unsuccessful, then we must trust in God that he will cause our pursuits to be successful in his own good, and perfect timing.

God Bless,
Adam

[35. Childless single woman said the following at 9:20 AM on Nov 2:]

35

Adam, you do not convince me one iota!
That's Iota the ninth letter of the Greek alphabet. In the system of Greek numerals it has a value of 10. It was derived from the Phoenician letter Yodh. Letters that arose from Iota include the Roman I and J. Iota is pronounced yota by modern Greeks.
The word is used in a common English phrase, 'not one iota of difference', to signify a meaningless distinction (lit. "not even a small difference").
Look at the context in which it is used above. Clearly, it is intended to mean your comment does not make "even a small difference" to timeless truth of "the word of God which is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4: 12)
;-)

[36. ending living like a tired, lonely, twentysomething woman said the following at 10:02 AM on Nov 2:]

36

CSW,

can we:

1) agree that we simply disagree with each other on this issue?

2) that, even despite disagreement, we are to pray for each other and walk in love towards one another.

I am not perfect,and If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I understand your position about wanting to "be married" and wanting to "be a wife". But I also believe that being the best wife you can be includes being obedient to what God wants you to do RIGHT NOW. I am concerned that sometimes you focused on "being a wife" or having kids so much that there are other aspects to it that are left in the dust that are to be cultivated whether you are married or not: witnessing and discipleship, doing God's Word(ALL of it,not just the be fruitful and multiply part).

[37. DannieA said the following at 10:20 AM on Nov 2:]

37

Childless Single Woman,

I'm a person who is passionate about her beliefs and I like it when people stick by their beliefs. That being said, I also believe we need to treat others with respect.

I'm afraid that some of your latter comments may be more offensive than good. I don't need a response. Just think about it.

If you want to have a meaningful dialogue with others, it would be wise not to belittle their posts and their thoughts.

We are ALL children of the Lord trying to follow His way the best of our abilities at this time.

[38. RSH said the following at 1:08 PM on Nov 2:]

38

CSW (yet another reply, you're popular this week!)

I'm a little confused as to your point of view here.

On the one hand, you seem to look down on people who are both single and satisfied (when you encouraged singles to "confidently state that they are not content single," depicting God as encouraging us to reject the "mythical 'gift of singleness'," etc.)

But you also emphasize that people should seek God's will and seek satisfaction in stepping out and working proactively towards fulfillment of His will.

I think what confused me is your extreme rejection of the possibility that being single is OK. I was a little unsettled when I got the impression that those of us who are single are somehow wrong, or are not working hard enough to find dating partners or to encourage family and friends to "help [us] in [our] search."

In the case that you utterly irritated by ideas of singleness being blessed in any way by God, I would then ask what you take Paul's exhortation in 1 Corinthians 7 to be: (v. 8) "Now to the unmarried and the widows, I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am."

He presents marriage as necessary because "It is better to marry than to burn with passion." Add to this all of the verses you have quoted about honoring God through marriage, and being fruitful and multiplying, and you have a good basis for marriage as well.

My view is that both marriage and singlness have their pros and cons, if you will, spiritually. So why are you so vehemently opposed to singleness?

[39. Childless single woman said the following at 3:03 PM on Nov 2:]

39

Just a quick line or two in response to RSH:
Whether it is "unmarried" or should really be "widowers" is up for debate. There are some good arguments for verse 8 actually reading "widowers and widows".
More generally, this chapter should be seen within the overall weight of the entire rest of the Bible. (See my earlier post for some examples.) Paul appears to be advising expediency in this notoriously difficult chapter, in response to a specific question, and offering his advice during a time of famine and persecution.
So taking the Bible as our handbook for life, I don't think "singleness" as we know it is actually a God-honouring lifestyle (but I understand that for women it sometimes seems like there is no other option, although that's not actually true as I tried to point out earlier in this thread.)
Remember, the Westminster Catechism lists "undue delay of marriage" as a sin. Martin Luther went so far as to say "'Be fruitful and multiply'...is more than a command, namely a divine ordinance which it is not our prerogative to hinder or ignore...Therefore, just as God does not command anyone to be a man or woman but creates them the way they have to be, so he does not command them to multiply but creates them so that they have to multiply. And wherever men try to resist this, it remains irresistible nonetheless and goes its way through fornication, adultery and secret sins, for this is a matter of nature and not of choice."
John Calvin said the "choice to marry is not put in our own hands, as if we were to deliberate on the matter."
Now we have Albert Mohler bucking the contemporary church trend, and saying that marriage is not "just one lifestyle option amongst others. The Bible is clear in presenting a picture of marriage...as both opportunity and obligation..."
Maybe this is something people would like to think and pray about a little more for themselves?

[40. John D. said the following at 3:11 PM on Nov 2:]

40

CSW,

Granted, Luther, Calvin, Mohler (and Maken) all say undue delay of marriage is a sin, etc. The problem for many of us is not that we are choosing singleness and celebrating it as a lifestyle but that we would like to be married and haven't found someone to marry yet.

This is the first time this subject has been discussed on Boundless Line this month.

[41. Blair said the following at 5:17 PM on Nov 2:]

41

BDB
As someone who grew up on or near a navy base for the first 25 years of her life I had a good laugh with that fighter pilot joke (soooo true).
As far as the debate at hand I would have to say I agree with Suzanne. I agree we should be proactive, but there is only so much a person can do. I refuse to let my longing to be a wife take my joy. I was so stressed over what I did not have that at some point I lost track of what mattered. I made my desire for marriage an idol and became very depressed, I am just coming out of this dark time in my life. The irony is that I am less ready to be a wife today than I was when I first began to worry about not being married. From hear on out I am focused on pleasing God. Yes, I will do what I can to get married, but I am done being anxious over being single.
Oh and one more thing, Suzanne I am praying for God to bring you a wonderful, godly huspand :).

[42. Adam said the following at 6:26 PM on Nov 2:]

42

CSW and John D.,

Both of those quotations are badly taken out of context. The quotation from Calvin has to do with the fact that Calvin believed in what is called a "gift of continence." He believed that the only people who were commanded to marry were those who could not control their desires. However, the question has to come as to whether a person cannot control their desires, or will not control their desires.

Calvin said that, if you are tempted sexually:

they should place the fear of God in opposition to a temptation of this sort, cut off all inlets to unchaste thoughts, entreat the Lord to give them strength to resist, and set themselves with all their might to extinguish the flames of lust. If they succeed in this struggle, let them render thanks unto the Lord, for where shall we find the man who does not experience some molestation from his flesh?

Likewise, as to deciding whether we are refusing to exercise control, or unable to exercise self-control, Calvin said something rather un-Maken-like:

Now, since natural feeling and the passions inflamed by the fall make the marriage tie doubly necessary, save in the case of those whom God has by special grace exempted, let every individual consider how the case stands with himself [Calvin, Institutes Book II Chapter VIII section 42 p. i 348].

I think he summarizes his position well when he writes:

Paul here expressly declares, that every one has not a free choice in this matter, because virginity is a special gift, that is not conferred upon all indiscriminately [Commentary on 1 Corinthians 7:7].

What Calvin is talking about here has nothing to do with a command for almost everyone to marry, but he is simply pointing out that whether or not a person can control their desires is a function of the gift that God himself gives. That is what he means when he says that it is not our own decision as if we were to deliberate on the matter. It does not mean that anyone who has sexual desire at all is sinning by delaying marriage. Thus, CSW, you have ripped Calvin grossly out of context.

Also, Calvin believed that marriage could be delayed so long as the person remained in control of their desires. For instance:

Virginity, I admit, is a virtue not to be despised; but since it is denied to some, and to others granted only for a season, those who are assailed by incontinence, and unable to successfully war against it, should betake themselves to the remedy of marriage, and thus cultivate chastity in the way of their calling [Calvin, Institutes Book II Chapter VIII section 42 p. i 348].

Not only that, but Calvin praises men such as Issac and Jacob for being able to delay marriage as long as they did:

We must also notice carefully the word continue; for it is possible for a person to live chastely in a state of celibacy for a time, but there must be in this matter no determination made for tomorrow. Isaac was unmarried until he was thirty years of age, and passed in chastity those years in which the heats of irregular desire are most violent; yet afterwards he is called to enter into the married life. In Jacob we have a still more remarkable instance. Hence the Apostle would wish those who are at present practicing chastity, to continue in it and persevere; but as they have no security for the continuance of the gift, he exhorts all to consider carefully what has been given them. [From 1 Corinthians Commentary (on 1 Corinthians 7:8)]

Notice, Calvin's main concern is with those who "make a determination for tomorrow." That is what he is attacking. He is talking about those who are able to live a pure, single life now, but who think that they will always be able to do that. Calvin is saying that, when you recognize that you cannot, and these desires assail you, then you are to marry. This is in conjunction with the celebate vows of the priesthood associated with Roman Catholicism. That appears to be what Calvin's viewpoint is attacking.

Also, the quotation from Luther was badly taken out of context. Luther goes on to say that there are three exceptions to that command, and lists on of those exceptions as those who willfully refrain from marriage:

The third category consists of those spiritually rich and exalted persons, bridled by the grace of God, who are equipped for marriage by nature and physical capacity and nevertheless voluntarily remain celibate. These put it this way, "I could marry if I wish, I am capable of it But it does not attract me. I would rather work on the kingdom of heaven, i.e., the gospel, and beget spiritual children." Such persons are rare, not one in a thousand, for they are a special miracle of God. No one should venture on such a life unless he be especially called by God, like Jeremiah [16:2], or unless he finds God's grace to be so powerful within him that the divine injunction, "Be fruitful and multiply," has no place in him.

Luther clearly states that one of the exceptions to the rule is a person who, being able to control his desires, willfully refrains from marriage. Again the issue at the time of the reformation was the priesthood. Martin Luther, in the very same sermon from which you quote says:

Don't let yourself be fooled on this score, even if you should make ten oaths, vows, covenants, and adamantine or ironclad pledges. For as you cannot solemnly promise that you will not be a man or a woman (and if you should make such a promise it would be foolishness and of no avail since you cannot make yourself something other than what you are), so you cannot promise that you will not produce seed or multiply, unless you belong to one of the three categories mentioned above. And should you make such a promise, it too would be foolishness and of no avail, for to produce seed and to multiply is a matter of God's ordinance [geschöpffe], not your power.

From this you can now see the extent of the validity of all cloister vows. No vow of any youth or maiden is valid before God, except that of a person in one of the three categories which God alone has himself excepted. Therefore, priests, monks, and nuns are duty-bound to forsake their vows whenever they find that God's ordinance to produce seed and to multiply is powerful and strong within them. They have no power by any authority, law, command, or vow to hinder this which God has created within them. If they do hinder it, however, you may be sure that they will not remain pure but inevitably besmirch themselves with secret sins or fornication. For they are simply incapable of resisting the word and ordinance of God within them. Matters will take their course as God has ordained.

Again, we see that the main concern of the reformers is against this idea of a priestly vow that priests made vowing to remain celebate. Luther is concerned because, once that desire to marry is given to them, it is unnatural to suppress it just because you have made an unbiblical vow. However, that has nothing whatsoever to do with purely, and willfully refraining from marriage, which Luther clearly says is allowable in his thought.

In fact, I find it interesting that, in this same sermon, Luther says the following words, which Maken completely ignores:

Here I will let the matter rest and leave to others the task of searching out further benefits and advantages of the estate of marriage. My purpose was only to enumerate those which a Christian can have for conducting his married life in a Christian way, so that, as Solomon says, he may find his wife in the sight of God and obtain favour from the Lord [Prov. 18:22]. In saying this I do not wish to disparage virginity, or entice anyone away from virginity into marriageLet each one act as he is able, and as he feels it has been given to him by God. I simply wanted to check those scandalmongers who place marriage so far beneath virginity that they dare to say: Even if the children should become holy (I Cor. 7:14], celibacy would still be better. One should not regard any estate as better in the sight of God than the estate of marriage. In a worldly sense celibacy is probably better, since it has fewer cares and anxieties. This is true, however, not for its own sake but in order that the celibate may better be able to preach and care for God's word, as St Paul says in I Corinthians 7 [:32-34]. It is God's word and the preaching which make celibacy, such as that of Christ and of Paul, better than the estate of marriage. In itself, however, the celibate life is far inferior.

Notice, not only does Luther state that his sermon is not for the purpose of enticing anyone from virginity to marriage, but also, he states that, while marriage is superior to celebacy, marriage has been tainted with sin, so that both married and unmarried will experience trouble in this life.

As far as your quotation of the Westminster Confession, there is no evidence that the Puritans ever had a law against not marrying early in their life. In fact, most people I have talked to who have studied this passage agree that what is being talked about here has to do with engagement. We do know of laws at the time of the Puritans that forbade long engagements. However, there were even exceptions to these laws, if the person had a good reason [hence the undue delay of marriage].

While that is one possibility, another, in keeping with the Reformed/Presbyterian tradition, is that it is referring to delay of marriage at the risk of fornication. That is consistent with Calvin and Luther's teaching on the subject.

Hence, the only ones who actually hold this position are Albert Mohler and Debbie Maken. The idea that there is something called the "gift of celebacy" which is given to some people in which their sexual desire is removed, so that they can engage in gospel service is something that came into existance in our generation. In fact, the entirity of Maken's chapter on Church history and singleness partakes of horrendus scholarship. Not only are quotes taken out of context like this, but also, quotations are even altered with elipses, and there is one quotation where she even cites someone else who she says cited Calvin to her. When I wrote to the man, he told me that he had only mentioned it to her in passing, and said he had not seen the quotation since he did his Phd over in Scotland. I have been searching for that quotation for quite a while, and have never found it [If anyone would like the documentation of these facts, I would be happy to post the link].

I have to ask you CSW, why is it that you rely on this woman to tell you about church history? Calvin has an entire section on marriage in his Institutes where you could have gone and read it yourself. Also, you could have looked up the citations in Maken's work, as Calvin's works are readily available online.

There is much more I can say since I have reviewed that section of Maken's work. Suffice it to say that I do not believe Maken is a credible historian at all. She does not understand the controversies that were going on at the time, and thus, ends up reading her views back anachronistically into the text.

God Bless,
Adam

[43. Childless single woman said the following at 5:17 AM on Nov 3:]

43

Adam, thanks for the expanded quotes. I fail to see how they do anything but back up the position I have outlined. Yes, a gifting to remain celibate is a rare anointing, given to a very few individuals: namely those that become eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom, and thereby undertake a life of Christian service that would be incompatible with a wife and family. As you have quoted from Calvin, it is a gifting “that is not conferred upon all indiscriminately”, and like Calvin, we also have a problem in the church that has got out of hand and that needs to be addressed.
With Luther too, an even more powerful point is made: “Such persons are rare, not one in a thousand, for they are a special miracle of God. No one should venture on such a life unless he be especially called by God, like Jeremiah [16:2], or unless he finds God's grace to be so powerful within him that the divine injunction, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’, has no place in him.”
Yes, “undue delay of marriage” does cause all manner of sin. Not just fornication, but as Luther points out, “secret sins” too. (And how much easier this has been made by the epidemic of pornography that is so easily available to anyone who has a computer.)
Merely circumstantial singleness was never seen as a God-honouring Christian lifestyle prior to this generation, and it’s time to move on and realign our contemporary teaching on singleness and marriage with the Bible, and address the root causes of the problem, which I believe at the heart is a demonic ploy to destroy masculinity from our churches and oppose the creational mandate that God set out as His plan from the very beginning.
To summarise:

1) We need a full-on onslaught in our churches to reach out to men in the world. This is a Kingdom issue that I believe is the single most important issue the church needs to address. Not only must we stop Christian women effectively being forced to become nuns, but we are neglecting entire generations of men in the world, which is inexcusable. Meanwhile the church is trying to fight the spiritual battle with an army of women, and impact our culture without the full traits of leadership, boldness and courage that more men would bring to it. And then we wonder why the church is increasingly seen as irrelevant, or worse?

2) We need to call a halt to all the new-fangled doctrines of the “gift of singleness”, “waiting on the Lord to bring you your spouse” etc and instead help, encourage and where necessary challenge, single Christian men to become Godly husbands and fathers, rather than eunuchs with no special anointing or Kingdom reason for their singleness.

3) Given that a) and b) may be medium- to long-term strategies (even though they both need to be undertaken urgently, it may take some time to fully restore the church in both these areas. The devil will not want to give up his strongholds without a fight!), Christian women must meanwhile start looking outside of existing church circles for a potential husband. Many an apparently “worldly” man does have a faith that simply needs nurturing, and there is no reason why single Christian women shouldn’t do this, and most likely find Godly husbands in the process. A win-win all round!

In conclusion, I would like to add one other thing if I may, that I haven’t mentioned before. It is my impression that all too many Christians, male and female, spend too much time in holy huddles. I think we all need to be challenged on how much time we spend only with other Christians (and those that are employed or studying in an all-Christian environment may be especially guilty of this. They will need to make a particularly big effort to make sure they are being salt and light in the world.) Single Christian women of course have an additional incentive to go out into the world, and it’s possible that Christian single men have an additional disincentive to do this – it’s natural for them not to want more competition for the women! But that competition will be good for them, and develop their masculinity to the benefit of all.
However an especially big plea goes out to the married women. You have a very big part to play in this in encouraging and helping your husband to reach out to other men in the world. All too often I see married Christian women getting very immersed in “the church”, doing (and inventing!) all manner of women’s and children’s ministries. This really must stop. We have an urgent need for more men. Their time would be much better spent helping and encouraging their husband to reach out to men in the world. So much of the “what God has put on my heart” is probably nothing of the sort, but is really quite self-indulgent. As I have said, it’s possible that single men have a disincentive to reach out to men in the world. Also, it could be argued that an adult man living as a celibate virgin, is not really the salt and light that men in the world need to see. But a man with a wonderful wife and well-behaved children, exhibits an example of family life that most men in the world crave. So please, married women, stop your glorified women’s book clubs, and face-painting events for children, and help your husband reach out to other men!

[44. Adam said the following at 1:42 PM on Nov 3:]

44

CSW,

They only back up your position of you don't take into consideration the context in which I noted.

First of all, Luther included in those wherein the phrase "Be Fruitful and Multiply has no place in them" as those who willfully abstain from marriage. Yet, you do not believe that such is the case, and that almost everyone has the duty to marry. Secondly, where does Calvin talk about a life of Christian service without a wife and family? You are reading that into the text. Also, in case you didn't notice, Calvin believed that such a gift could be conferred for only a time. That is not what you and Debbie Maken believe.

As far as the issue of pornography, again, you ignore the fact that Calvin does not instruct people to just go out and get married if they struggle with that kind of temptation. He tells them to do everything they can to fight it in order to insure that they are incapible of continence, and not unwilling to exercise continence. Calvin's words are wise, and you and Debbie Maken would do well to heed them.

As far as Luther saying that few have this gift, remember that Luther was an Augustinian monk. Luther was dealing, in the context of his life, with the priesthood. Because he was an Augustinian monk, he saw horrendus sexual debauchery amongst his clergymen all because of this vow. However, these clergymen were the only celebates he knew. Thus, Luther concluded that very few men could live a holy lifestyle in the celebate state. The subsequent followers of Luther and Calvin recognized this, and that is why it is not included in the confessions. Notice, he offers no scriptural support for such a position, and the reason is very simple. It is not scriptural.

However, how can you say that those quotations support your position when Luther himself said that his sermon was not designed to draw anyone out of virginity and into marriage? Yet your message, as well as Debbie Maken's message is certainly to do that. It is simply false, as I have documented, to say that Calvin and Luther agreed with your position. Both of them said that this gift could be given for a time, and that the person who could willfully refrain from marriage without sin was free to do so. That is incredibly contrary to everything you have said, and everything Debbie Maken has said.

Also, where did you show that "the gift of singleness" and "waiting on the Lord" are unbiblical? When I offered a refutation of your usage of these scriptures, you simply mocked the idea of careful Biblical exegesis. What that tells me is that you do not care about accurately interpreting the word of God. It appears from what you said that getting a husband is more important than accurately handling the word of God.

Also, I don't believe in circumstantial singleness [barring, of course, the silliness of someone who wants to be married, and yet, doesn't pursue it]. God ordains whatsoever comes to pass. That includes how long you are going to be single. He is using your singleness to mold you into the woman he wants you to be. God works all things after the council of his will [Ephesians 1:11], and that includes how long you are single. The Bible calls God's will "good pleasing and perfect," [Romans 12:2] and yet you think there is something wrong with it? I have no problems with someone wanting to be married, and I have no problems with someone pursuing marriage. However, I take issue when someone implies that God owes them marriage just because they go about doing something a particular way. God will cause your search to be successful when and if he wants to cause it to be successful. That is why trusting and waiting on him is important.

I also propose some changes as well to the Christian views on dating and singleness. I published these on my blog as "20 Theses for a Reformation in Christian Relationships":

1. Christian authors are not infallible. Just because someone writes a book that becomes popular does not mean that it is Biblical.

2. Christian leaders need to train children, when they are young, to do basic, sound Biblical exegesis of the text so that people will be able to test how relationship authors use the Bible to make sure the exegesis is sound.

3. Christian authors need to, not only quote a text to support their position, but also show how it is that they arrived at that interpretation from the text itself.

4. Historical sources need to be cited with care. The issues that shaped a particular author's view of marriage and relationships must be discussed, and a complete examination of their position of their teachings expounded from a writing that is entirely about relationships and marriage.

5. People need to check the quotations of relationship authors to make sure that all of the historical and Biblical quotations are given in context

6. Those commands not found in the scriptures are not binding upon the Christian. If it is a good work to teach that something is wrong, then 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that the scriptures are sufficient for the proclaimation of that teaching. Thus, it should be able to be found in the Bible.

7. What works is not necessarily what is Biblical. You cannot bind something to the contience of a Christian just because it works. The only things that should be bound to the contiences of believers are those things which can be found in the Bible.

8. Only people who are qualified should write books on relationships from a Biblical perspective. This means that they are trained in how to handle the text of scriptures in a responsible fashion, being able to engage in detailed discussions about the meanings of texts.

9. The Hebrew Bible is just as much inspired scripture as the New Testament, is must be interpreted with just as much are as the New Testament. Those who write books on this topic must take the same care to discuss the meanings of each Old Testament passage in their historical, grammatical, and linguistic context.

10. The simple quotation of an author does not guarantee that the author in question is being quoted in context. Care must be taken by relationship authors to make sure that the necessary background work is done so that an author is not being taken out of context.

11. While feelings are important to the discussion in relationships, they are not the ultimate authority. Nothing should be determined to be right or wrong simply on the basis of your feelings.

12. Likewise, because of the stain of original sin, desires cannot be the ultimate authority. Nothing should be determined as right or wrong simply on the basis of what someone desires.

13. God works all things after the council of his will [Ephesians 1:11], and thus, in whatever situation we are in, God is using it for our own good [Romans 8:28]. Thus, even "circumstantial singleness" has a purpose in God's plan to mold us into the children he wants us to be.

14. Because God is sovereign, he ordains both the ends and the means. That includes both whether or not we search for a spouse, and whether or not that search will be successful. No matter what God ordains, it will always be for our good [Romans 8:28].

15. Marriage has nothing whatsoever to do with your salvation, including our sanctification. Only God can save. Marriage is neither sufficient nor necessary for God to redeem anyone.

16. Relationships should be intentional. There should be no relationships with people you do not intend to marry.

17. Parents should take a more active role in the relationships so that there is accountability. Parents should give direction to their children in the areas of purity, and give them a roadmap as to how to get to marriage.

18. Priorities must remain in any relationship. God must always be number one in importance. Obedience to him should never be sacrificed. Next, related to this, we should always seek to honor our father and our mother in all that we do in our relationships.

19. Just as we never presume upon the grace of our dating partner, we should never presume upon the grace of God. Willful disobedience to insult God and disobey his law is only made worse by statements such as "God will forgive me."

20. While we will all make mistakes in discussing this issue, all books on dating and relationships need to be written to the glory of God. Thus, the only reason someone should pick up the pen to write on this topic is to glorify God in the proclaimation of his truth.

[45. Childless single woman said the following at 4:29 PM on Nov 3:]

45

Adam, Romans 8:28 means that everything working out for the good is not dependent on everything being good.

[46. Leah said the following at 4:48 PM on Nov 4:]

46

CSW: I have to agree with "Ending living like a..."

We shouldn't put our worth and identity in being married or a mother. That should be put in Christ. It is good and right to want to be married and a mother, as long as it is not the sole aim of our life and #1 priority. They should both be Christ and our identity in him.

[47. brx said the following at 6:57 PM on Nov 5:]

47

A sincerely grace-filled attitude! Pretty cool, Suzanne (not just your original post).

Regarding the proactive/waiting discussion thread, this came to mind: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage and strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I'd probably add for my personal reminder "and the genuine fellowship to reveal the ugly blind spots."

Grace, peace, and Swing!

[48. Stefanie said the following at 7:26 PM on Nov 11:]

48

I loved this series, Suzanne. Very thought-provoking.
This last one had me remembering an excerpt from a book I read once called, "The Red Sea Rules," by Robert J. Morgan. It was citing a principle written by a South African paster, Andrew Murray:

"Gathering himself into his study, he sat a long while qui­etly, prayerfully, thoughtfully. Presently his mind flew to his Lord Jesus. Picking up his pen, he wrote this in his journal:

First, He brought me here, it is by His will that I am in this strait place: in that fact I will rest.

Next, He will keep me here in His love, and give me grace to behave as His child.

Then, He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me the lessons He intends me to learn, and working in me the grace He means to bestow.

Last, in His good time He can bring me out again-­how and when He knows.

Let me say I am here,
(1) By God's appointment
(2) In His keeping,
(3) Under His training
(4) For His time."

I found and was fed by this at an incredibly trying time, following the end of an ungodly and highly costly relationship. It was a lifeline to me then, and it has remained a lighthouse since.
Remembering that the sovereignty of God is coexistent with His extravagant love and His mighty wisdom, I can find reasons to trust Him where He has seen fit to allow me to be.
If it pleases God to allow me to remain in a situation I find difficult, who am I to question what good He sees in it? Even when where I land is due to a series of wrong turns, God is the ultimate redeemer, and he can (and does) use even our failures and sins to teach and change us to His glory.
And the great beauty is that He will give us grace sufficient for the trials we face. It is no small truth that this is all easier to affirm when I am not in a deep struggle, but truth remains true regardless of the storm around it.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Thanks for the series. :)

[49. Julie said the following at 9:58 PM on Nov 18:]

49

I agree with Suzanne.

I came to the Lord after I got pregnant & married at 22. The marriage was a disaster & I got a divorce. I have been raising my son alone for 5 years now. I prayed for my xhusband and got very close to the Lord during this "singleness" time. I needed this time alone to learn about the Lord and his word. My xhusband remarried a year ago. I do not pray for reconciliation anymore.

During the 5 years I have been single I have seen so many "christian" marriages come together & fall apart a short time later. Some people married out of lonliness, or wanting to have sex. They ended in divorce.

I have been trusting God for a Godly man but am willing to accept being alone if God doesnt provide him for me. However, thats not what God has been speaking to my heart. If he intends for me to be gifted with singleness I believe he would be prepairing my heart to be single. (I will accept a date and hang out in social circles when I can)

When I read Suzanne's blog it gives me the most peace. The Holy Spirit directs me personally to "wait on the Lord" "There is a reason...he makes all things good"

I just wanted to encourage people that didn't have a good christian household, that have messed up. The God restores and heals...
Just trust his timing. Get your healing and let hi build your patience and charecter during your time of singleness!

[50. Taianna said the following at 10:03 AM on Jan 15:]

50

My boyfriend just broke up with me & we have 2 small children together. We love each other dearly but he is confused about life and easily angered. I am working on improving myself, but I continue to pray for him. My heart is hurting & I am trying to be forgiving. I have asked God to make my boyfriend a better man for Him, as well as, for the children & for me. I don't want to feel wrong for asking God for my hearts desires. My mother says, "not my will but Thy will be done." I do want what God has instored for me, but I really want my first love & the father of my children to be my soul mate. Sometimes I feel hopeless. So I pray & ask God to see me through. Am I wrong for wanting a companion? Am I wrong for wanting to spend the rest of my life with the one I love?

[1. John D. said the following at 10:18 AM on Oct 31:]

1

Did anyone (not that you were desperate or anything) ever consider just marrying a random person (obviously a fellow Christian, 2 Cor. 6:14), but without worrying about whether that person is your soul mate or the best possible mate you could find?

If you really wanted to be married right away, you could, you know. Just jump right in and trust God to work out the details.

Probably, that's where the expression "marry in haste, repent at leisure" came from.

Also, Google "Britney Spears" and "annulment."

Not that I am recommending the idea. Just wondering.

[2. Marie said the following at 10:38 AM on Oct 31:]

2

Suzanne-
Thanks so much for this series. I enjoyed it immensely and God has used you to encourage my heart. Well done!

[3. Chris, a follower of Jesus Christ said the following at 10:52 AM on Oct 31:]

3

Heh, dry spell?! Some friends have gone 28.75 out of their 29 years of life sans girlfriend. Another male friend is a grad student, nearing the age of 30, without having dated someone for 29.5 years.

There are several things that are helpful, one is the constant reminder, and looking over one's life, one can see that trusting in God's perfect provision is always the best. We are tempted to shortcut and demand our way, when our perfect Creator and Lord wants to give us even better than we want.

When we are tempted by the green-eyed monster of jealousy and envy, as one pastor put it, "You know you are really over that sin when you can truly rejoice with other people and not feel one ounce of self-pity or desire for what they have." It is to love others so much that you rejoice with those who rejoice, and celebrate the blessings God has wraught in their lives, as we are one body. That would be a great place to be for all of us.

There are other things that one is to do. The gift of singleness (which may only be for a time) is given for the edification of the church, and while many use that time to throw a pity party or to idolize dating and make it a sole focus, it is a time of service to God. One wise older man once told me that the Christian life is one of balancing being fed and feeding others, and that even as single Christians, there are many opportunities to feed others. We must fight our sinful tendencies to be SELF-centered and fight to be GOD-centered!

[4. Seth M said the following at 10:56 AM on Oct 31:]

4

Probably the thing I want to see most when I die is I want to look back and see how God acted, I can only envision it like a spiderweb of billions of things that take place from all over the world that cause the things that we only see from our limited field of view, I want to see the things that took place to make all of this happen I can't help but feel like it will just fill me with awe. The billions of ways that our prayers have an impact on us and others and the ways that God was working for us when we didn't even realize just how blessed we really were.

It's most difficult to believe when you can't see but blessed are those who don't see yet still believe...(Yes I realize that was in a different sort of context)

[5. REally Lonely 23 Year Old said the following at 11:33 AM on Oct 31:]

5

Good article. The older I get, the more I realize there are no easy answers to tough questions. My heart ACHES for a husband daily, but I've learned not to question God's wisdom or goodness. Though I WILL keep asking Him for one.

There seem to be lots of singles on this website. If we only had each other's pictures, and a means of contact, I bet It would facilitate many marriages.

[6. Donna said the following at 12:42 PM on Oct 31:]

6

I have never had a boyfriend. A christian for two decades. For persons from pentecostal backgrounds it is not unusual.
Alot of the current books on dating I don't agree with.

[7. nikki said the following at 12:43 PM on Oct 31:]

7

If we only had each other's pictures, and a means of contact, I bet It would facilitate many marriages.

There are plenty of already-running online dating services; have you tried one of those?

[8. Suzanne said the following at 1:05 PM on Oct 31:]

8

John D. Yes, that is certainly an option. Personally, I do not believe it would be a wise one. If I believed marriage itself was God's primary purpose for my life, what you propose would make sense. However, I believe God's primary purpose for me is to a)know Him; b)glorify Him. Marrying any old Christian Joe has the potential to hinder these purposes, not enhance them. Just like a great friend inspires you and causes you to grow, a marriage partner with whom you share similar thoughts on life, ambitions and senses of humor will do more good than someone less suited. You can pull together from the beginning.

[9. Adam Sloope said the following at 1:13 PM on Oct 31:]

9

I think other biblical truths we should rely on in addition to Suzanne's wonderful one's are:
Matt 6:33-33-But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Psalm 20:4-May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

If we seek His kingdom first all things will come including a dating relationship that leads into marriage. Maybe we feel like we are sitting down here asking, "How long God, until you give me what I want?" and He may be asking, "How long will you continue to see it's not good right now for you?"

God puts desires in our hearts. If we are seeking His kingdom He will place desires that He has for us within our hearts, so our desires will be unified with His. Marriage is something I believe God places on your heart and He will fulfill that desire in His timing.

I agree, Suzanne, this has been a great series, especially for someone going through the fringe of dating right now, skeptical of it all.

[10. Childless single woman said the following at 2:12 PM on Oct 31:]

10

I am not sure I can agree with this post, or the gist of many of the comments. In essence, they all seems to be saying: Trust in God, wait on the Lord, and in His perfect timing he will bring you your spouse, unless of course you have the gift of singleness, which may last for a season or a lifetime - there is no way of knowing whether God's plans for you include a spouse or not until you get to heaven.
I wonder if we could apply the same logic to employment/unemployment as we do for marriage/singleness?
In other words, trust in God for a job, wait on the Lord, and in His perfect timing he will bring a job to you, unless of course you have the gift of unemployment, which may last for a season or a lifetime - there is no way of knowing really whether God's plans for you include a job or not until you get to heaven.
If we can, well then there would be an awful lot of unemployed Christians.
If we can't, then why do we apply it to singleness?

[11. Melanie said the following at 2:30 PM on Oct 31:]

11

Thanks Suzanne...this series has so many good reminders for me JUST at the perfect time! Most significant, for me, is seeing another Godly girl seeking the Lord's face, but who is also willing to be vulnerable in order to share what He is teaching her. It encourages my heart to see your transparency!

My prayer is that during this waiting time, we girls (and guys too) will experience the true joy the Lord gives for each day, trusting that "He goeth before."

[12. single/certain said the following at 3:11 PM on Oct 31:]

12

wonderful article. it really hits the prolonged singleness nail on the head. there is no easy answer, no quick fix. thanks for this, suzanne, i will def. be linking to it from my blog.

[13. Suzanne said the following at 4:10 PM on Oct 31:]

13

Childless single woman, I don't know that unemployment and singleness is a fair comparison. I'm currently going through Focus' Truth Project, and industry and marriage are set up as different spheres, each carrying different biblical principles. I understand what you're saying about the idea of taking initiative, but there are very different considerations. Employment can be changed at any time; marriage cannot. I'm sure most of us would agree that getting a job is not as complex as selecting a lifelong marriage partner. Out of need, a person may get a job that they find generally unfulfilling, with the plan of upgrading later. Obviously, it would be wrong to apply this same mindset to marriage. I just can't make the jump from job seeking to mate seeking.

[14. Childless single woman said the following at 5:00 PM on Oct 31:]

14

Suzanne - Thank you for responding to my post. Of course I agree with this: "a person may get a job that they find generally unfulfilling, with the plan of upgrading later. Obviously, it would be wrong to apply this same mindset to marriage."
I don't think I said anything to imply "upgrading" a marriage is an option.
But whose "plan" are you referring to when you say a person may have a plan to change jobs later? The individual's? Or God's? Or do you believe (as I do) that we need to be co-workers with God in all areas of our lives?
Which leads me on to what I think may be the crucial point. You said: "industry and marriage are set up as different spheres, each carrying different biblical principles".
Could you expand on that please? Which Biblical principles are you referring to that differ with regard to industry and marriage?

[15. kaj said the following at 5:15 PM on Oct 31:]

15

The analogies I like to use when it comes to dispensing advice to singles (often in the form of worn-out, trite, uncomforting cliches akin to Proverbs 25:20) is to that of infertility.

Both singleness and infertility can have in common that it involves a deep, unfulfilled (and often frustrating) longing that has yet to be met. And along with that longing, come those who do not understand one's personal pain in either situation.

For example, I would find it cold and heartless (although the person means well) to say to a woman/couple struggling with infertility, "Oh, don't worry, you'll have a baby someday," "Wait on the Lord and he will make sure you get pregnant," or "Trust God during your season of infertility," let alone the "gift of infertility?"

Would we also say to the infertile, "You just need to try harder?" or "Get right with God (or improve your relationship with Him) and then He will give you a child?

A good passage to read in Scripture that correlates with this is 1 Samuel 1:1-20. Compare Elkanah's "comforting advice" with that of Eli's blessing to Hannah.

[16. singlecertain said the following at 5:46 PM on Oct 31:]

16

childless single woman, i agree that not taking initiative is bad, generally. but after going to therapy, reading books, going on tons of dates, trying eharmony and match, reading more books, and going to more therapy, i've realized that this situation is completely out of my hands. i am open, i am a wonderful person to be around, and yet i am still single. there is nothing left for me to fix. there is nothing left for me to do other than trust god. so i am still open, i still go one dates, but i am thinking that this is now about waiting, not taking initiative. and i am trusting that whatever he has for me will be worth it.

[17. Suzanne said the following at 6:51 PM on Oct 31:]

17

CSW,

I am only saying that employment is a wide sphere in which you are not necessarily making a lifetime choice. The Truth Project's discussion about the spheres -- marriage, family, church, state, industry -- is not particularly relevant to our current discussion. I was only pointing out that they are different. Industry is primarily functional; marriage is primarily relational. Relational matters tend to be more complex.

I do see your point in that trusting in unemployment and trusting in singleness both require a God component and a human component. I addressed this in Part 4. Beyond being receptive to godly men who are pursuing you and getting into circles where you meet said men, what do you suggest?

If I am unemployed and a reasonably intelligent person, I could certainly go get a job at McDonald's. It may not be ideal (and no offense to McDonald's workers out there), but it will meet my basic needs. Are you suggesting the equivalent of this for singles? I think that's unwise -- to make a match that you know is far from ideal out of impatience. With the job, you can change it later. With the spouse, not so much. Of course, I'm not advocating extreme pickiness. But God gives us wisdom, and marriage is a permanent decision. I just don't see the wisdom in approaching it in the same way I would getting a job.

[18. Rachael said the following at 7:27 PM on Oct 31:]

18

Thank you Suzanne, for sharing your heart with us in your series. You wrote, "the Lord is worthy of my trust even when I don't see how He's working." YES!! We DON'T always know how He's working.

Though I'm also not completely satisfied with the singleness aspect of my life, and recently I think I wasn't feeling completely content with my job and activities, I feel that God might be opening my eyes to see that He might be working in other (non-romantic) interactions at work and activities. It is so, SO exciting to think that He might be working through some of those conversations/interactions!

He is faithful, and He is in control. Yes, He will provide... and it's so wonderful to know that He can work in and through us regardless of our marital status.

[19. Novagirl from Arlington VA said the following at 8:05 PM on Oct 31:]

19

I'm 33, single female, and I'm also waiting/staying open/dating anyone who asks (at least once)/hoping to be married someday.

Someone mentioned: "If we only had each other's pictures, and a means of contact, I bet It would facilitate many marriages."

This might be a little out there, but might I suggest a website for this? I have no personal interest in this site -- I just happened to find it recently. It's Christian and FREE (supported by ads and donations).

I haven't joined yet, but I liked that it is free. I go to a large church and was really frustrated when Eharmony matched me with two men who attend my church. In my cyncism, I thought... well, I guess it has come to this, I have to pay $30/month to be matched with people in my own church!!! So, for anyone who's interested, here's the site:

http://www.christiansoulmates.com/membershipinfo.aspx

And to the Boundless authors, thanks... this is my first comment and I have been so encouraged by what I've read here.

[20. Tami said the following at 9:39 PM on Oct 31:]

20

"...I have to pay $30/month to be matched with people in my own church!!!"

I always figured this had to have happened to someone!

"Have you tried eHarmony?" is now the de facto follow-up question to "Have you met someone?"

I may be repeating myself... but I remember being at a party where someone said, "Right now, it only costs $*** to pay for a year of eHarmony." I replied (sort of) in jest, "Why should I bother to pay for eHarmony for a whole year, and still have no guarantee of meeting someone I want to marry? I can wait to meet someone right now, for free!"

[21. Leah said the following at 1:33 AM on Nov 1:]

21

"when my married friends get a twinkle in their eye and utter those dreaded words: "Soooo (they drag this word out endlessly), is there a guy in your life?""

I wish people didn't do that. Fortunately I don't see it happen much around me. But really, I don't see any point in people doing it. Once he/she has a special someone in their life, I'm sure you'll hear about it. You don't need to pester people about it.

[22. Childless single woman said the following at 2:05 AM on Nov 1:]

22

Singlecertain - Without wanting to delve into your personal matters, I think a general point can be made in response to this comment: "there is nothing left for me to fix."
This is at the heart of so much of the suffering, even spiritual abuse, that single Christian women face: They are given the impression that they need to battle their discontent otherwise God won't give them a husband. They need to "prepare" for marriage - maybe for many, many decades into adulthood until perhaps they become barren, and even after all that preparing it may not be "God's will" for them to marry. They need to watch their vocaublary too. If they say they want to "get married" instead of "be a wife", well, again, that's proof that they are in error and they have much, much work to do until God deems them ready for a spouse.
The essence of the matter is that women are battling to fix a problem that isn't really there.
The real problem that needs tackling is a) the lack of men in the church, b) the effect this has on the few single men that there are, which is seriously compounded by the contemporary teaching which discourages them from seeking a wife in a purposeful way (ie. they too are "waiting on the Lord" for "God's best"). It is paralysing them, and the single men are suffering at the hands of the church too, although they are usually not aware of how their masculinity is being eroded away.
Suzanne - I am going to be late for work if I write any more now. I would like to address your comment later if I many (I want to make sure I am clear).
Kaj - I think your analogy is a very good one. I have a refining suggestion to make: I think the church is actually causing the "infertility" in the first place. Then when women express their concerns over this, they are either scolded for discontentment and made to feel they have oh so much work to do on themselves before God can possibly give them a spouse, or offered said trite cliches.
But of course, sadly, this "infertility" is actually not just an analogy, but a very real effect of the problem.

[23. Childless single woman said the following at 4:38 AM on Nov 1:]

23

Suzanne - I don't think there is any discussion to be had about the fact that jobs can be changed but marriage is for life (or that relationships are complex, for that matter!).
The point I was making was why do we say (words to the effect of): "Trust in God, wait on the Lord, and in His perfect timing he will bring you your spouse" when we don't apply that principle in any other area of our lives?
If it is a Biblical principle relating to marriage/singleness alone, I would like to see where that is backed up by the Bible.
As far as I can see, there is no Biblical basis for it.
On the contrary, the Biblical emphasis is actually for us (men and parents primarily) to take a highly proactive approach: "Be fruitful and increase in number" (Genesis 1:28, 9:1 and 9:7) "Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too many have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." (Jeremiah 29: 6) "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Paul also says that "each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2), and even counsels younger widows "to marry, to have children" (1 Timothy 5:14) let alone barren spinsters!
I do not see any Biblical principle behind "waiting on the Lord" for God to bring our spouse to us.
As I have said, on the contrary, it seems a very proactive approach is the Biblical instruction.
"Waiting" also seems contrary to God's design for our bodies, and we should respect that. Women reach the peak of their fertility in their early 20s and there are many health implications for mother and child in giving birth later in life. (Recent evidence also shows that men's fertility and the health of their sperm decreases significantly after the age of 35, which can cause problems for the child. In fact I read an article recently saying that women have received the brunt of the blame for health problems regarding having children later in life, but actually this applies to men too.)
All I am asking for please is the Biblical foundation for the "waiting on the Lord to bring us our spouse" principle.
I think the truth is that we have invented this doctrine because it is an easy answer to give single Christian women to a complex problem.
You ask "Beyond being receptive to godly men who are pursuing you and getting into circles where you meet said men, what do you suggest?"
Actually, they shouldn't have to do anything else.
But the "system", so to speak, is broken, and that is why it is not working for so many women.
We need to tackle the root causes of the problem, then women wouldn't need to do anything else.
At the moment however, women are battling a societal culture and a church culture that is not proactive regarding marriage. The societal culture is not something we can address directly. The best approach, in my opinion, is to be the salt and light in our culture and show them that marriage is a better way than protracted singleness.
At the moment, we are just mimicking our culture.
We can, and must, however do something about our church culture.
I can't remember exactly what I wrote in my previous post, but in a nutshell my suggestions are:
a) Outreaching to men so that there are enough men in the church body for all the single women, which there clearly is not at the moment.
b) Scrapping all the new fangled doctrines we have invented and go back to teaching that it is good to marry and that single men should be proactively seeking a wife (unless they have a gifting for celibacy of course, but that's another discussion relating to the mythical "gift of singleness" which only applies to a tiny fraction of Christians, so I'm not even gonna go there right now!).
So - what can do single Christian women do right now? I have three suggestions:
1) Encourage church leaders to make out reaching to men in the world a priority (and that is something badly needed anyway, not just to give single women husbands, but with far wider implications. At the moment, we are largely a fighting army of girls!).
2) Do not accept the new doctrines that have surfaced in the last 30 years or so, and don't be ashamed about, or beat yourself up about, or repent over, your desire for a husband. On the contrary, they should confidently state that they are not content single, they have no wish to be content about something that God Himself said was not good and which He has given us the ability to do something about, boldly state that they want to get married and ask friends/relatives to help them in their search. If they receive a contentment lecture or are told they should "wait on the Lord", they should smile sweetly and say that they reject that in the name of Jesus as they believe it to be unBiblical, and move swiftly on! You could, if you wish, try to explain why you believe this, but that gets very tiring and I am not sure how productive it is.
3) (And this is very controversial, I know!) Single Christian women (once they have reached say about the age of 25 or 26 and are still single) should begin to widen their social circles beyond the "church" body. It is my opinion that God would not have made this gender ratio error that we are experiencing at the moment. It seems likely that what has happened is that church leaders have stopped out reaching to men, in favour of a heavy bias towards women and children's ministries. This has meant that a lot of men in the world have the wrong impression of "church". Consequently, it is my belief that there are lots of Godly men out there in the world, that just need a little encouragement, but no one is doing the encouraging. This is also backed-up by my observations whereby if you scratch beneath the surface of many an apparently worldly man, you will find a man that does know God, but doesn't really know how to go about progressing that relationship, and also wants nothing more in this life than to meet a good woman, get married and have a family.
But in doing suggestion 3) I think women need to tread carefully, and really need the support of at least one Godly, wise, mature advisor. I only hope they can all find one.

[24. Novagirl from Arlington VA said the following at 4:57 AM on Nov 1:]

24

Not to complicate things, but here is another Christian dating site that is completely free.

http://www.onlylonelyfish.com/

Again, I have no personal interest in this site.

[25. Suzanne said the following at 9:27 AM on Nov 1:]

25

Childless Single Woman,

I don't find much to argue with in what you are saying. Suffering the effects of sin in our world is something humankind has been dealing with since Adam. And I agree with you that the general confusion over marriage in our culture is one of those effects. I particularly think your action points are good. Churches do need to do a better job of encouraging both single men and women and fostering a biblical perspective of marriage. I believe if you were to read my other articles on relationships and marriage, you would find that I am not advocating the type of "waiting" you're concerned about. I happen to believe in a very proactive approach...in line with seeking the Lord.

My exhortation to trust God with relationships is meant as encouragement to those who would love to be married, are willing to take the steps and yet still find themselves without a mate. True, there is a root problem (as you explained), but God has promised to be near to those who are suffering the results of the fall, whether illness, death of a loved one, loneliness, poverty, injustice, etc. As singles, I believe drawing near to the Lord in our inadequacy is our best hope. And as we draw near to Him, He will show us the steps we need to take to be faithful followers and address the problems that exist within our lives and the church. CSW, this problem is not beyond God's help or control.

I do disagree with you on waiting not being biblical. Consider these Scriptures:

Psalm 5:3—In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Psalm 27:14—Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 33:20—We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 37:7—Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 37:34—Wait for the LORD and keep his way.

Psalm 38:15—I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.

Psalm 119:166—I wait for your salvation, O LORD, and I follow your commands.

Psalm 130:5—I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Isaiah 40:31—But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

All believers, single or married, have times in life where they are forced to wait. This waiting produces spiritual maturity and intimacy with God. I agree with you that incorrect teachings about marriage need to be addressed and corrected. But waiting on the Lord is no shame.

[26. ending living like a tired, lonely, twentysomething woman said the following at 9:42 AM on Nov 1:]

26

Dear Childless Single woman:

I do understand your concerns,and your basis for asking the question about "waiting on the Lord." However, there is a difference between being "proactive" and being OBSESSED with being married. I think what really needs to happen is a strong examination in our own individual hearts about what contentment,joy, fulfillment, success,and happiness really is in the light of God's Word. However, I have seen very few proactive single Christian men around me, but I"ve seen a lot of marriage obssessed single men and women. Single men and women who are obssessed with "being married" and marrying by a certain age so they can have children. What's the real motive here? These men and women go out and try EVERYTHING except going to God about their desires for marriage and family. They ask anyone out and do not attend fellowships with the intent of building relationships and genuinely knowing others on an authentic level, but with the purpose of "finding a mate."

A proactive person, however, is going hard after God's heart, constantly laying their heart before God regarding this issue in prayer and trusting Him regarding their relationship choices. However, they are proactive in that they: don't put what God has called them to do and their passions and interests on hold waiting for "the one", are pursuing growth and maturity in every other area of their life(emotionally,physically,socially,etc.), and are preparing to be the best person that GOD wants to be. I want to be a wonderful woman of God not because I simply see marriage and family as the end goal, but because:
a) I want to please God b) want to live my life surrendered totally to Him, c)fulfilling God's purposes and plans for my life.

My priorities in my life are in things that have eternal value. Do I believe that marriage and family relationships have a part to play in this? Absolutely. But I also believe it is dangerous and or rude to imply or tell people that there's something wrong with them because they're not married and/or have kids by a certain age. There are some valid reasons why some people are not married and have children, and those need to be taken into account(i.e. lack of maturity, character issues that the person refuses to deal with and/or lack of responsibility)

Granted, these are my thoughts, not law. So before we go and start complaining about the problem, let's be part of the solution---not by complaining, but by praying and then acting. Meaning, we walk in love and encourage our brothers: appropriately affirming them but still setting clear boundaries and expectations in our relationships with them, and genuinely interacting with them, telling the truth about their interactions with us(as well as genuinely listening with their feedback as well). Sometimes the things that irritate us about each other point to levels of immaturity in our own minds and hearts.

[27. Childless single woman said the following at 11:02 AM on Nov 1:]

27

Suzanne - Thank you again for responding to my comment. But why do you address me and say: "this problem is not beyond God's help or control"? Did I ever say it was? But does the reality that there is not an atom in the universe that is "beyond God's help or control" mean that our responsibilites are abdicated? I'm sure you don't think that.
And why do say you disagree with me on "waiting not being Biblical"? I never said any such thing. I wanted to know the Biblical principle behind: "waiting on the Lord TO BRING YOU YOUR SPOUSE", as it seems to me that the Biblical approach to marriage is very proactive, particularly on the part of the man and the parents of both men and women. (I don't mean to be rude by capitalising that, btw - it's just for clarity.)
However "waiting on the Lord" is unbiblical in my opinion when there are things we ourselves should be doing, injustices that we should be addressing, wrongs that we should be challenging etc. etc.
I read a while back something by Selwyn Hughes, which had the following observation:
"Did you know that once God rebuked Moses for praying? 'Then the Lord said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on."' (Exodus 14:15-16) Moses had already prayed -- now came the time for action."
In the previous verse, Moses was basically telling the Israelites to wait and trust in the Lord. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." But no, God rebuked him for that and told him to take action.
Maybe God is saying to us when we pray for a spouse: "Why are you crying out to me? You know your church is neglecting to reach out to men in the world, you know the teaching on singleness is all wrong, you know you need to look beyond church circles for a believing man that you can help and encourage. It's time to move on."
So there is no shame in waiting on the Lord. But there is sometimes shame in only waiting on the Lord.

[28. Childless single woman said the following at 11:43 AM on Nov 1:]

28

Dear Ending living like a tired, lonely etc etc
Oh no! The last thing that needs to happen is "a strong examination in our own individual hearts about what contentment,joy, fulfillment, success,and happiness really is in the light of God's Word."
Oh please! Single Christian women are doing far too much examining of their own hearts!
And what's this denial of the fact that God has designed a timeline within which we are able to have children?
And why do you imagine Christian women are not praying about their desire for marriage?
And what exactly is wrong about trying to find a mate? (If not in a Christian singles group, I am at a loss to know where would be better!)
The problem is none of these things. The problem is that the desire goes unfulfilled for so much longer in our generation than God ever intended it to. That is what needs to be addressed (see my previous essay!).
And where is the contradiction between "a) Wanting to please God b) Wanting to live my life surrendered totally to Him, c) Fulfilling God's purposes and plans for my life" and getting married?
It is absolute nonsense to pit a desire for marriage against these things! For example, supposing someone said "a...b...c..." and for that reason they are not going to get serious about looking for a job. It would not take the brain of a genius to say, hang on, maybe it would be pleasing, surrendering and fulfilling God's plans if you picked up a newspaper and started applying for work!
We need to respect God's plan as revealed in Scripture. And that includes work, marriage, family etc.
Oh and there's so much more I could say about how much better we would all be if people did challenge single men and women about why we are not married!
And I am not sure it is even a good thing necessarily to have close fellowship with our brothers (even in a platonic way). Having lots of female friends with which to "fellowship" is another part of the problem which in my opinion does not help motivate them to find a wife.
So yes, your post did irritate me! Several times! ;-)
You can make of that what you will...
:-)

[29. BDB said the following at 12:25 PM on Nov 1:]

29

Leah wrote:

>>Once he/she has a special someone in their life, I'm sure you'll hear about it. You don't need to pester people about it.<<

Ha! That reminds me of something I heard at a military air show once. Never ask someone if they're a fighter pilot. If they're not, you'll make them feel bad. If they are, they'll already have told you.

[30. Suzanne said the following at 12:44 PM on Nov 1:]

30

CSW,

I think we've heard each other out. And we more or less agree on this issue. God bless you as you wait on Him for a time when you will be MMW (married mother woman). :) You brought up some good points.

[31. ending living like a tired,lonely, twentysomething woman said the following at 1:51 PM on Nov 1:]

31

childless single woman:

Wow---there are so many issues with your response I don't know where to begin. But I will try to make sure I understand what you're saying.

To me (and please respond if I'm wrong)it sounds like you didn't understand my post at all. I'm not trying to say that marriage is bad, or that it's wrong to desire marriage, or even to say that it's an either or scenario--marriage/family or pleasing God. I am merely asking people to really be honest with themselves about why they want to be married and have children. Is it because your family says you should and everyone is saying you should by now? Is it because you think that being married and having a family will stop all the pain you're experiencing right now? Is it because YOU PICTURED AND PLANNED YOUR LIFE UP TO THIS POINT AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MARRIED BY NOW? Is it because you believe that marriage and children is the BEST and only way to please God?

The problem is when you STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE because you're so depressed that your'e not married or have children by a certain age. The problem is when you start listening to what other people say your life should look like instead of what God has instructed you to do regarding marriage and family IN YOUR INDIVIDUAL LIFE. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT MARRIAGE AND FAMILY ISN'T A PART OF WHAT GOD HAS INSTRUCTED FOR US TO DO. The problem that I have with your posting is the specific timeline. Not everyone is supposed to get married at EXACTLY THE SAME AGE, and to me, it seems that if you are implying that all Christian young adults should be married straight out of college, thereby ostracizing and/or pressuring those who are not married by that age to GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY.

That is the obsession that I am talking about. I am not saying that it is wrong for single Christians to meet people. I am not saying that people shouldn't go out and meet other single men and women of the faith. The problem is when you are looking for marriage and family to solve all your problems, or think that all unmarried Christian twentysomethings need to be married and have a family in order for the loneliness to go away. I do recognize the desire for companionship, but I realize that being married and having a family is not the end goal of my relationship with God. Is it a part of it? Absolutely. But it is not THE PRIZE I am seeking. I am seeking the "well done, thou good and faithful servant" prize.

Call me unneccesarily delaying my singleness, but I don't want to base my worth, my esteem, and my satisfaction in life solely on being married and having children, or base it in comparison of what others are doing. I want my identity, security, and esteem based on what Christ has done and out of who he is, not out of peer pressure or what other people say your life should look like.

[32. Christina said the following at 4:17 PM on Nov 1:]

32

Suzanne, great series. Do you have any additional thoughts on how to be content in singleness in this circumstance: A former serious beau has moved on to another relationship...or gotten married. So tough!

It's hard not to feel left behind...

[33. Childless single woman said the following at 5:15 PM on Nov 1:]

33

Dear Ending living like a etc.
I don't think we have misunderstood each other at all. I just totally and utterly disagree with just about every word you say. No misunderstanding there. :-)
Be blessed. x

[34. Adam said the following at 9:46 PM on Nov 1:]

34

Suzanne,

Let me just say that I agree with what you are saying. If I may, I was thinking of this passagen when I was reading what you wrote:

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

Childless single woman,

you said:
On the contrary, the Biblical emphasis is actually for us (men and parents primarily) to take a highly proactive approach: "Be fruitful and increase in number" (Genesis 1:28, 9:1 and 9:7) "Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too many have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." (Jeremiah 29: 6) "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Paul also says that "each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2), and even counsels younger widows "to marry, to have children" (1 Timothy 5:14) let alone barren spinsters!
I do not see any Biblical principle behind "waiting on the Lord" for God to bring our spouse to us.

I would say you have not carefully looked at any of these passages. I would like to go through them one by one, and show you why.

First of all, you quote the phrase, "be fruitful and multiply" in Genesis 1:28, 9:1, and 9:7. However, that is not the only two imperatives that are there:

Genesis 1:28 God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."

Now, I don't know of anyone that has given birth to so many children that they fill the earth. That would mean that no one could obey that command. A couple would have to give birth to around seven million children before we could say that they have been obedient to that command.

Of course, the reality is that the command is given to humanity in general, and it is the entire group of humanity [not individuals] who are commanded to be fruitful and multiply.

You also mention Jeremiah 29:6. However, that is in the context of the exile. Jeremiah is dealing with the false prophets who were saying that the end of the exile was near [v.8-9]. The commands given in this passage are examples of a common Hebraic literary structure called a "merism." That is, it is talking about the whole by enumerating the parts. Here is the entirety of the text:

Jeremiah 29:5-7 'Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens and eat their produce. 6 'Take wives and become the fathers of sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; and multiply there and do not decrease. 7 'Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare.'

Notice, that the imperatives refer to the professional aspects of ones life [Build houses and plant gardens (v.5)], the personal aspects of ones life [marriages (v.6)], and the political aspects of ones life [the welfare of the city (v.7)]. By enumerating the parts of an individual's life, Jeremiah is telling the exiles to continue life as normal in Babylon. He is telling them to not think that they are only going to be there a short time, but to prepare to start a new life there.

Also, your interpretation of the passage proves too much. For instance, are you really saying that God is commanding everyone to build houses, and that renting or buying a house is wrong [v.5a]? Are you really saying that anyone who does not plant a garden is somehow sinning [v.5b]? Indeed, in both of these verses, it seems you cannot stay consistent with your interpretation the whole way through the passage.

With regards to 1 Corinthians 7:2, notice the structure of verses 2-4

2. man...wife...woman...husband
3. husband...wife...wife...husband
4. wife...husband...husband...wife

In each of these verses we have a common structure in the New Testament known as a Chiasm. Because of the chiastic structure of these three verses, most NT scholars believe that these go together.

However, verses 3-4 are talking about married people. That is exactly what I [as well as NT commentators such as Gordon Fee] believe that verse 2 is talking about as well,given that they are all in the same structure.

Now, as far as the word "have," it can be used as a euphemism for sexual relations. For instance:

Matthew 14:3-4 For when Herod had John arrested, he bound him and put him in prison because of Herodias, the wife of his brother Philip. 4 For John had been saying to him, "It is not lawful for you to have her."

Also lending credence to this interpretation is the fact that Paul uses a different verb in commanding people to marry down in verse 9. It seems odd that Paul would switch his terminology that quickly. Consider also that Paul says that he has no command for virgins [v.25], and that he tells them in verse 27 that single people are not to seek a wife. Whether you limit verse 27 to the present distress or not, you have, on both counts, made the apostle contradict himself.

Also, consider that the statement in verse 1 implies that it is somehow better to not have sexual relations. It seems to me that the Corinthians could have naturally drawn from that statement that it was therefore better to abstain from sexual relations with your spouse. Thus, the command in verse 2 would have been necessary to forbid married people from a celebate relationship with their spouses.

As for 1 Timothy 5:14, Paul is talking, in context, about a specific honors list for widows [v.9-11]. Paul tells Timothy not to put younger widows on such a list. He tells them that they may have the desire to marry, and thus, they should not be put on that list [v.11]. Thus, when we come to verse 14, the context has not changed. That is why the NASB inserts the term "widows:"

1 Timothy 5:14 Therefore, I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach;

However, Paul had already said that if widows can control their desires it is acceptable for them to remain single [1 Corinthians 7:7-9]. Thus, the NIV's "council" is probably better than "want" to avoid making the apostle contradict himself.

Also, what does Proverbs 18:22 have to do with anything? It seems entirely irrelevant to the discussion.

Indeed, as Jesus said, even the essential things such as food and clothes are things about which we are not to worry [Matthew 6:25-34]. Therefore, we cannot worry about whether or not we will marry. I certainly do think that we need to go out and pursue marriage if we desire it. However, God is under no obligation to cause that pursuit to be successful. He is the king of our life, and in fact, is the one who ordained that we would search in the first place. If, indeed, God says "no," and our pursuit is unsuccessful, then we must trust in God that he will cause our pursuits to be successful in his own good, and perfect timing.

God Bless,
Adam

[35. Childless single woman said the following at 9:20 AM on Nov 2:]

35

Adam, you do not convince me one iota!
That's Iota the ninth letter of the Greek alphabet. In the system of Greek numerals it has a value of 10. It was derived from the Phoenician letter Yodh. Letters that arose from Iota include the Roman I and J. Iota is pronounced yota by modern Greeks.
The word is used in a common English phrase, 'not one iota of difference', to signify a meaningless distinction (lit. "not even a small difference").
Look at the context in which it is used above. Clearly, it is intended to mean your comment does not make "even a small difference" to timeless truth of "the word of God which is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4: 12)
;-)

[36. ending living like a tired, lonely, twentysomething woman said the following at 10:02 AM on Nov 2:]

36

CSW,

can we:

1) agree that we simply disagree with each other on this issue?

2) that, even despite disagreement, we are to pray for each other and walk in love towards one another.

I am not perfect,and If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I understand your position about wanting to "be married" and wanting to "be a wife". But I also believe that being the best wife you can be includes being obedient to what God wants you to do RIGHT NOW. I am concerned that sometimes you focused on "being a wife" or having kids so much that there are other aspects to it that are left in the dust that are to be cultivated whether you are married or not: witnessing and discipleship, doing God's Word(ALL of it,not just the be fruitful and multiply part).

[37. DannieA said the following at 10:20 AM on Nov 2:]

37

Childless Single Woman,

I'm a person who is passionate about her beliefs and I like it when people stick by their beliefs. That being said, I also believe we need to treat others with respect.

I'm afraid that some of your latter comments may be more offensive than good. I don't need a response. Just think about it.

If you want to have a meaningful dialogue with others, it would be wise not to belittle their posts and their thoughts.

We are ALL children of the Lord trying to follow His way the best of our abilities at this time.

[38. RSH said the following at 1:08 PM on Nov 2:]

38

CSW (yet another reply, you're popular this week!)

I'm a little confused as to your point of view here.

On the one hand, you seem to look down on people who are both single and satisfied (when you encouraged singles to "confidently state that they are not content single," depicting God as encouraging us to reject the "mythical 'gift of singleness'," etc.)

But you also emphasize that people should seek God's will and seek satisfaction in stepping out and working proactively towards fulfillment of His will.

I think what confused me is your extreme rejection of the possibility that being single is OK. I was a little unsettled when I got the impression that those of us who are single are somehow wrong, or are not working hard enough to find dating partners or to encourage family and friends to "help [us] in [our] search."

In the case that you utterly irritated by ideas of singleness being blessed in any way by God, I would then ask what you take Paul's exhortation in 1 Corinthians 7 to be: (v. 8) "Now to the unmarried and the widows, I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am."

He presents marriage as necessary because "It is better to marry than to burn with passion." Add to this all of the verses you have quoted about honoring God through marriage, and being fruitful and multiplying, and you have a good basis for marriage as well.

My view is that both marriage and singlness have their pros and cons, if you will, spiritually. So why are you so vehemently opposed to singleness?

[39. Childless single woman said the following at 3:03 PM on Nov 2:]

39

Just a quick line or two in response to RSH:
Whether it is "unmarried" or should really be "widowers" is up for debate. There are some good arguments for verse 8 actually reading "widowers and widows".
More generally, this chapter should be seen within the overall weight of the entire rest of the Bible. (See my earlier post for some examples.) Paul appears to be advising expediency in this notoriously difficult chapter, in response to a specific question, and offering his advice during a time of famine and persecution.
So taking the Bible as our handbook for life, I don't think "singleness" as we know it is actually a God-honouring lifestyle (but I understand that for women it sometimes seems like there is no other option, although that's not actually true as I tried to point out earlier in this thread.)
Remember, the Westminster Catechism lists "undue delay of marriage" as a sin. Martin Luther went so far as to say "'Be fruitful and multiply'...is more than a command, namely a divine ordinance which it is not our prerogative to hinder or ignore...Therefore, just as God does not command anyone to be a man or woman but creates them the way they have to be, so he does not command them to multiply but creates them so that they have to multiply. And wherever men try to resist this, it remains irresistible nonetheless and goes its way through fornication, adultery and secret sins, for this is a matter of nature and not of choice."
John Calvin said the "choice to marry is not put in our own hands, as if we were to deliberate on the matter."
Now we have Albert Mohler bucking the contemporary church trend, and saying that marriage is not "just one lifestyle option amongst others. The Bible is clear in presenting a picture of marriage...as both opportunity and obligation..."
Maybe this is something people would like to think and pray about a little more for themselves?

[40. John D. said the following at 3:11 PM on Nov 2:]

40

CSW,

Granted, Luther, Calvin, Mohler (and Maken) all say undue delay of marriage is a sin, etc. The problem for many of us is not that we are choosing singleness and celebrating it as a lifestyle but that we would like to be married and haven't found someone to marry yet.

This is the first time this subject has been discussed on Boundless Line this month.

[41. Blair said the following at 5:17 PM on Nov 2:]

41

BDB
As someone who grew up on or near a navy base for the first 25 years of her life I had a good laugh with that fighter pilot joke (soooo true).
As far as the debate at hand I would have to say I agree with Suzanne. I agree we should be proactive, but there is only so much a person can do. I refuse to let my longing to be a wife take my joy. I was so stressed over what I did not have that at some point I lost track of what mattered. I made my desire for marriage an idol and became very depressed, I am just coming out of this dark time in my life. The irony is that I am less ready to be a wife today than I was when I first began to worry about not being married. From hear on out I am focused on pleasing God. Yes, I will do what I can to get married, but I am done being anxious over being single.
Oh and one more thing, Suzanne I am praying for God to bring you a wonderful, godly huspand :).

[42. Adam said the following at 6:26 PM on Nov 2:]

42

CSW and John D.,

Both of those quotations are badly taken out of context. The quotation from Calvin has to do with the fact that Calvin believed in what is called a "gift of continence." He believed that the only people who were commanded to marry were those who could not control their desires. However, the question has to come as to whether a person cannot control their desires, or will not control their desires.

Calvin said that, if you are tempted sexually:

they should place the fear of God in opposition to a temptation of this sort, cut off all inlets to unchaste thoughts, entreat the Lord to give them strength to resist, and set themselves with all their might to extinguish the flames of lust. If they succeed in this struggle, let them render thanks unto the Lord, for where shall we find the man who does not experience some molestation from his flesh?

Likewise, as to deciding whether we are refusing to exercise control, or unable to exercise self-control, Calvin said something rather un-Maken-like:

Now, since natural feeling and the passions inflamed by the fall make the marriage tie doubly necessary, save in the case of those whom God has by special grace exempted, let every individual consider how the case stands with himself [Calvin, Institutes Book II Chapter VIII section 42 p. i 348].

I think he summarizes his position well when he writes:

Paul here expressly declares, that every one has not a free choice in this matter, because virginity is a special gift, that is not conferred upon all indiscriminately [Commentary on 1 Corinthians 7:7].

What Calvin is talking about here has nothing to do with a command for almost everyone to marry, but he is simply pointing out that whether or not a person can control their desires is a function of the gift that God himself gives. That is what he means when he says that it is not our own decision as if we were to deliberate on the matter. It does not mean that anyone who has sexual desire at all is sinning by delaying marriage. Thus, CSW, you have ripped Calvin grossly out of context.

Also, Calvin believed that marriage could be delayed so long as the person remained in control of their desires. For instance:

Virginity, I admit, is a virtue not to be despised; but since it is denied to some, and to others granted only for a season, those who are assailed by incontinence, and unable to successfully war against it, should betake themselves to the remedy of marriage, and thus cultivate chastity in the way of their calling [Calvin, Institutes Book II Chapter VIII section 42 p. i 348].

Not only that, but Calvin praises men such as Issac and Jacob for being able to delay marriage as long as they did:

We must also notice carefully the word continue; for it is possible for a person to live chastely in a state of celibacy for a time, but there must be in this matter no determination made for tomorrow. Isaac was unmarried until he was thirty years of age, and passed in chastity those years in which the heats of irregular desire are most violent; yet afterwards he is called to enter into the married life. In Jacob we have a still more remarkable instance. Hence the Apostle would wish those who are at present practicing chastity, to continue in it and persevere; but as they have no security for the continuance of the gift, he exhorts all to consider carefully what has been given them. [From 1 Corinthians Commentary (on 1 Corinthians 7:8)]

Notice, Calvin's main concern is with those who "make a determination for tomorrow." That is what he is attacking. He is talking about those who are able to live a pure, single life now, but who think that they will always be able to do that. Calvin is saying that, when you recognize that you cannot, and these desires assail you, then you are to marry. This is in conjunction with the celebate vows of the priesthood associated with Roman Catholicism. That appears to be what Calvin's viewpoint is attacking.

Also, the quotation from Luther was badly taken out of context. Luther goes on to say that there are three exceptions to that command, and lists on of those exceptions as those who willfully refrain from marriage:

The third category consists of those spiritually rich and exalted persons, bridled by the grace of God, who are equipped for marriage by nature and physical capacity and nevertheless voluntarily remain celibate. These put it this way, "I could marry if I wish, I am capable of it But it does not attract me. I would rather work on the kingdom of heaven, i.e., the gospel, and beget spiritual children." Such persons are rare, not one in a thousand, for they are a special miracle of God. No one should venture on such a life unless he be especially called by God, like Jeremiah [16:2], or unless he finds God's grace to be so powerful within him that the divine injunction, "Be fruitful and multiply," has no place in him.

Luther clearly states that one of the exceptions to the rule is a person who, being able to control his desires, willfully refrains from marriage. Again the issue at the time of the reformation was the priesthood. Martin Luther, in the very same sermon from which you quote says:

Don't let yourself be fooled on this score, even if you should make ten oaths, vows, covenants, and adamantine or ironclad pledges. For as you cannot solemnly promise that you will not be a man or a woman (and if you should make such a promise it would be foolishness and of no avail since you cannot make yourself something other than what you are), so you cannot promise that you will not produce seed or multiply, unless you belong to one of the three categories mentioned above. And should you make such a promise, it too would be foolishness and of no avail, for to produce seed and to multiply is a matter of God's ordinance [geschöpffe], not your power.

From this you can now see the extent of the validity of all cloister vows. No vow of any youth or maiden is valid before God, except that of a person in one of the three categories which God alone has himself excepted. Therefore, priests, monks, and nuns are duty-bound to forsake their vows whenever they find that God's ordinance to produce seed and to multiply is powerful and strong within them. They have no power by any authority, law, command, or vow to hinder this which God has created within them. If they do hinder it, however, you may be sure that they will not remain pure but inevitably besmirch themselves with secret sins or fornication. For they are simply incapable of resisting the word and ordinance of God within them. Matters will take their course as God has ordained.

Again, we see that the main concern of the reformers is against this idea of a priestly vow that priests made vowing to remain celebate. Luther is concerned because, once that desire to marry is given to them, it is unnatural to suppress it just because you have made an unbiblical vow. However, that has nothing whatsoever to do with purely, and willfully refraining from marriage, which Luther clearly says is allowable in his thought.

In fact, I find it interesting that, in this same sermon, Luther says the following words, which Maken completely ignores:

Here I will let the matter rest and leave to others the task of searching out further benefits and advantages of the estate of marriage. My purpose was only to enumerate those which a Christian can have for conducting his married life in a Christian way, so that, as Solomon says, he may find his wife in the sight of God and obtain favour from the Lord [Prov. 18:22]. In saying this I do not wish to disparage virginity, or entice anyone away from virginity into marriageLet each one act as he is able, and as he feels it has been given to him by God. I simply wanted to check those scandalmongers who place marriage so far beneath virginity that they dare to say: Even if the children should become holy (I Cor. 7:14], celibacy would still be better. One should not regard any estate as better in the sight of God than the estate of marriage. In a worldly sense celibacy is probably better, since it has fewer cares and anxieties. This is true, however, not for its own sake but in order that the celibate may better be able to preach and care for God's word, as St Paul says in I Corinthians 7 [:32-34]. It is God's word and the preaching which make celibacy, such as that of Christ and of Paul, better than the estate of marriage. In itself, however, the celibate life is far inferior.

Notice, not only does Luther state that his sermon is not for the purpose of enticing anyone from virginity to marriage, but also, he states that, while marriage is superior to celebacy, marriage has been tainted with sin, so that both married and unmarried will experience trouble in this life.

As far as your quotation of the Westminster Confession, there is no evidence that the Puritans ever had a law against not marrying early in their life. In fact, most people I have talked to who have studied this passage agree that what is being talked about here has to do with engagement. We do know of laws at the time of the Puritans that forbade long engagements. However, there were even exceptions to these laws, if the person had a good reason [hence the undue delay of marriage].

While that is one possibility, another, in keeping with the Reformed/Presbyterian tradition, is that it is referring to delay of marriage at the risk of fornication. That is consistent with Calvin and Luther's teaching on the subject.

Hence, the only ones who actually hold this position are Albert Mohler and Debbie Maken. The idea that there is something called the "gift of celebacy" which is given to some people in which their sexual desire is removed, so that they can engage in gospel service is something that came into existance in our generation. In fact, the entirity of Maken's chapter on Church history and singleness partakes of horrendus scholarship. Not only are quotes taken out of context like this, but also, quotations are even altered with elipses, and there is one quotation where she even cites someone else who she says cited Calvin to her. When I wrote to the man, he told me that he had only mentioned it to her in passing, and said he had not seen the quotation since he did his Phd over in Scotland. I have been searching for that quotation for quite a while, and have never found it [If anyone would like the documentation of these facts, I would be happy to post the link].

I have to ask you CSW, why is it that you rely on this woman to tell you about church history? Calvin has an entire section on marriage in his Institutes where you could have gone and read it yourself. Also, you could have looked up the citations in Maken's work, as Calvin's works are readily available online.

There is much more I can say since I have reviewed that section of Maken's work. Suffice it to say that I do not believe Maken is a credible historian at all. She does not understand the controversies that were going on at the time, and thus, ends up reading her views back anachronistically into the text.

God Bless,
Adam

[43. Childless single woman said the following at 5:17 AM on Nov 3:]

43

Adam, thanks for the expanded quotes. I fail to see how they do anything but back up the position I have outlined. Yes, a gifting to remain celibate is a rare anointing, given to a very few individuals: namely those that become eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom, and thereby undertake a life of Christian service that would be incompatible with a wife and family. As you have quoted from Calvin, it is a gifting “that is not conferred upon all indiscriminately”, and like Calvin, we also have a problem in the church that has got out of hand and that needs to be addressed.
With Luther too, an even more powerful point is made: “Such persons are rare, not one in a thousand, for they are a special miracle of God. No one should venture on such a life unless he be especially called by God, like Jeremiah [16:2], or unless he finds God's grace to be so powerful within him that the divine injunction, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’, has no place in him.”
Yes, “undue delay of marriage” does cause all manner of sin. Not just fornication, but as Luther points out, “secret sins” too. (And how much easier this has been made by the epidemic of pornography that is so easily available to anyone who has a computer.)
Merely circumstantial singleness was never seen as a God-honouring Christian lifestyle prior to this generation, and it’s time to move on and realign our contemporary teaching on singleness and marriage with the Bible, and address the root causes of the problem, which I believe at the heart is a demonic ploy to destroy masculinity from our churches and oppose the creational mandate that God set out as His plan from the very beginning.
To summarise:

1) We need a full-on onslaught in our churches to reach out to men in the world. This is a Kingdom issue that I believe is the single most important issue the church needs to address. Not only must we stop Christian women effectively being forced to become nuns, but we are neglecting entire generations of men in the world, which is inexcusable. Meanwhile the church is trying to fight the spiritual battle with an army of women, and impact our culture without the full traits of leadership, boldness and courage that more men would bring to it. And then we wonder why the church is increasingly seen as irrelevant, or worse?

2) We need to call a halt to all the new-fangled doctrines of the “gift of singleness”, “waiting on the Lord to bring you your spouse” etc and instead help, encourage and where necessary challenge, single Christian men to become Godly husbands and fathers, rather than eunuchs with no special anointing or Kingdom reason for their singleness.

3) Given that a) and b) may be medium- to long-term strategies (even though they both need to be undertaken urgently, it may take some time to fully restore the church in both these areas. The devil will not want to give up his strongholds without a fight!), Christian women must meanwhile start looking outside of existing church circles for a potential husband. Many an apparently “worldly” man does have a faith that simply needs nurturing, and there is no reason why single Christian women shouldn’t do this, and most likely find Godly husbands in the process. A win-win all round!

In conclusion, I would like to add one other thing if I may, that I haven’t mentioned before. It is my impression that all too many Christians, male and female, spend too much time in holy huddles. I think we all need to be challenged on how much time we spend only with other Christians (and those that are employed or studying in an all-Christian environment may be especially guilty of this. They will need to make a particularly big effort to make sure they are being salt and light in the world.) Single Christian women of course have an additional incentive to go out into the world, and it’s possible that Christian single men have an additional disincentive to do this – it’s natural for them not to want more competition for the women! But that competition will be good for them, and develop their masculinity to the benefit of all.
However an especially big plea goes out to the married women. You have a very big part to play in this in encouraging and helping your husband to reach out to other men in the world. All too often I see married Christian women getting very immersed in “the church”, doing (and inventing!) all manner of women’s and children’s ministries. This really must stop. We have an urgent need for more men. Their time would be much better spent helping and encouraging their husband to reach out to men in the world. So much of the “what God has put on my heart” is probably nothing of the sort, but is really quite self-indulgent. As I have said, it’s possible that single men have a disincentive to reach out to men in the world. Also, it could be argued that an adult man living as a celibate virgin, is not really the salt and light that men in the world need to see. But a man with a wonderful wife and well-behaved children, exhibits an example of family life that most men in the world crave. So please, married women, stop your glorified women’s book clubs, and face-painting events for children, and help your husband reach out to other men!

[44. Adam said the following at 1:42 PM on Nov 3:]

44

CSW,

They only back up your position of you don't take into consideration the context in which I noted.

First of all, Luther included in those wherein the phrase "Be Fruitful and Multiply has no place in them" as those who willfully abstain from marriage. Yet, you do not believe that such is the case, and that almost everyone has the duty to marry. Secondly, where does Calvin talk about a life of Christian service without a wife and family? You are reading that into the text. Also, in case you didn't notice, Calvin believed that such a gift could be conferred for only a time. That is not what you and Debbie Maken believe.

As far as the issue of pornography, again, you ignore the fact that Calvin does not instruct people to just go out and get married if they struggle with that kind of temptation. He tells them to do everything they can to fight it in order to insure that they are incapible of continence, and not unwilling to exercise continence. Calvin's words are wise, and you and Debbie Maken would do well to heed them.

As far as Luther saying that few have this gift, remember that Luther was an Augustinian monk. Luther was dealing, in the context of his life, with the priesthood. Because he was an Augustinian monk, he saw horrendus sexual debauchery amongst his clergymen all because of this vow. However, these clergymen were the only celebates he knew. Thus, Luther concluded that very few men could live a holy lifestyle in the celebate state. The subsequent followers of Luther and Calvin recognized this, and that is why it is not included in the confessions. Notice, he offers no scriptural support for such a position, and the reason is very simple. It is not scriptural.

However, how can you say that those quotations support your position when Luther himself said that his sermon was not designed to draw anyone out of virginity and into marriage? Yet your message, as well as Debbie Maken's message is certainly to do that. It is simply false, as I have documented, to say that Calvin and Luther agreed with your position. Both of them said that this gift could be given for a time, and that the person who could willfully refrain from marriage without sin was free to do so. That is incredibly contrary to everything you have said, and everything Debbie Maken has said.

Also, where did you show that "the gift of singleness" and "waiting on the Lord" are unbiblical? When I offered a refutation of your usage of these scriptures, you simply mocked the idea of careful Biblical exegesis. What that tells me is that you do not care about accurately interpreting the word of God. It appears from what you said that getting a husband is more important than accurately handling the word of God.

Also, I don't believe in circumstantial singleness [barring, of course, the silliness of someone who wants to be married, and yet, doesn't pursue it]. God ordains whatsoever comes to pass. That includes how long you are going to be single. He is using your singleness to mold you into the woman he wants you to be. God works all things after the council of his will [Ephesians 1:11], and that includes how long you are single. The Bible calls God's will "good pleasing and perfect," [Romans 12:2] and yet you think there is something wrong with it? I have no problems with someone wanting to be married, and I have no problems with someone pursuing marriage. However, I take issue when someone implies that God owes them marriage just because they go about doing something a particular way. God will cause your search to be successful when and if he wants to cause it to be successful. That is why trusting and waiting on him is important.

I also propose some changes as well to the Christian views on dating and singleness. I published these on my blog as "20 Theses for a Reformation in Christian Relationships":

1. Christian authors are not infallible. Just because someone writes a book that becomes popular does not mean that it is Biblical.

2. Christian leaders need to train children, when they are young, to do basic, sound Biblical exegesis of the text so that people will be able to test how relationship authors use the Bible to make sure the exegesis is sound.

3. Christian authors need to, not only quote a text to support their position, but also show how it is that they arrived at that interpretation from the text itself.

4. Historical sources need to be cited with care. The issues that shaped a particular author's view of marriage and relationships must be discussed, and a complete examination of their position of their teachings expounded from a writing that is entirely about relationships and marriage.

5. People need to check the quotations of relationship authors to make sure that all of the historical and Biblical quotations are given in context

6. Those commands not found in the scriptures are not binding upon the Christian. If it is a good work to teach that something is wrong, then 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that the scriptures are sufficient for the proclaimation of that teaching. Thus, it should be able to be found in the Bible.

7. What works is not necessarily what is Biblical. You cannot bind something to the contience of a Christian just because it works. The only things that should be bound to the contiences of believers are those things which can be found in the Bible.

8. Only people who are qualified should write books on relationships from a Biblical perspective. This means that they are trained in how to handle the text of scriptures in a responsible fashion, being able to engage in detailed discussions about the meanings of texts.

9. The Hebrew Bible is just as much inspired scripture as the New Testament, is must be interpreted with just as much are as the New Testament. Those who write books on this topic must take the same care to discuss the meanings of each Old Testament passage in their historical, grammatical, and linguistic context.

10. The simple quotation of an author does not guarantee that the author in question is being quoted in context. Care must be taken by relationship authors to make sure that the necessary background work is done so that an author is not being taken out of context.

11. While feelings are important to the discussion in relationships, they are not the ultimate authority. Nothing should be determined to be right or wrong simply on the basis of your feelings.

12. Likewise, because of the stain of original sin, desires cannot be the ultimate authority. Nothing should be determined as right or wrong simply on the basis of what someone desires.

13. God works all things after the council of his will [Ephesians 1:11], and thus, in whatever situation we are in, God is using it for our own good [Romans 8:28]. Thus, even "circumstantial singleness" has a purpose in God's plan to mold us into the children he wants us to be.

14. Because God is sovereign, he ordains both the ends and the means. That includes both whether or not we search for a spouse, and whether or not that search will be successful. No matter what God ordains, it will always be for our good [Romans 8:28].

15. Marriage has nothing whatsoever to do with your salvation, including our sanctification. Only God can save. Marriage is neither sufficient nor necessary for God to redeem anyone.

16. Relationships should be intentional. There should be no relationships with people you do not intend to marry.

17. Parents should take a more active role in the relationships so that there is accountability. Parents should give direction to their children in the areas of purity, and give them a roadmap as to how to get to marriage.

18. Priorities must remain in any relationship. God must always be number one in importance. Obedience to him should never be sacrificed. Next, related to this, we should always seek to honor our father and our mother in all that we do in our relationships.

19. Just as we never presume upon the grace of our dating partner, we should never presume upon the grace of God. Willful disobedience to insult God and disobey his law is only made worse by statements such as "God will forgive me."

20. While we will all make mistakes in discussing this issue, all books on dating and relationships need to be written to the glory of God. Thus, the only reason someone should pick up the pen to write on this topic is to glorify God in the proclaimation of his truth.

[45. Childless single woman said the following at 4:29 PM on Nov 3:]

45

Adam, Romans 8:28 means that everything working out for the good is not dependent on everything being good.

[46. Leah said the following at 4:48 PM on Nov 4:]

46

CSW: I have to agree with "Ending living like a..."

We shouldn't put our worth and identity in being married or a mother. That should be put in Christ. It is good and right to want to be married and a mother, as long as it is not the sole aim of our life and #1 priority. They should both be Christ and our identity in him.

[47. brx said the following at 6:57 PM on Nov 5:]

47

A sincerely grace-filled attitude! Pretty cool, Suzanne (not just your original post).

Regarding the proactive/waiting discussion thread, this came to mind: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage and strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I'd probably add for my personal reminder "and the genuine fellowship to reveal the ugly blind spots."

Grace, peace, and Swing!

[48. Stefanie said the following at 7:26 PM on Nov 11:]

48

I loved this series, Suzanne. Very thought-provoking.
This last one had me remembering an excerpt from a book I read once called, "The Red Sea Rules," by Robert J. Morgan. It was citing a principle written by a South African paster, Andrew Murray:

"Gathering himself into his study, he sat a long while qui­etly, prayerfully, thoughtfully. Presently his mind flew to his Lord Jesus. Picking up his pen, he wrote this in his journal:

First, He brought me here, it is by His will that I am in this strait place: in that fact I will rest.

Next, He will keep me here in His love, and give me grace to behave as His child.

Then, He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me the lessons He intends me to learn, and working in me the grace He means to bestow.

Last, in His good time He can bring me out again-­how and when He knows.

Let me say I am here,
(1) By God's appointment
(2) In His keeping,
(3) Under His training
(4) For His time."

I found and was fed by this at an incredibly trying time, following the end of an ungodly and highly costly relationship. It was a lifeline to me then, and it has remained a lighthouse since.
Remembering that the sovereignty of God is coexistent with His extravagant love and His mighty wisdom, I can find reasons to trust Him where He has seen fit to allow me to be.
If it pleases God to allow me to remain in a situation I find difficult, who am I to question what good He sees in it? Even when where I land is due to a series of wrong turns, God is the ultimate redeemer, and he can (and does) use even our failures and sins to teach and change us to His glory.
And the great beauty is that He will give us grace sufficient for the trials we face. It is no small truth that this is all easier to affirm when I am not in a deep struggle, but truth remains true regardless of the storm around it.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Thanks for the series. :)

[49. Julie said the following at 9:58 PM on Nov 18:]

49

I agree with Suzanne.

I came to the Lord after I got pregnant & married at 22. The marriage was a disaster & I got a divorce. I have been raising my son alone for 5 years now. I prayed for my xhusband and got very close to the Lord during this "singleness" time. I needed this time alone to learn about the Lord and his word. My xhusband remarried a year ago. I do not pray for reconciliation anymore.

During the 5 years I have been single I have seen so many "christian" marriages come together & fall apart a short time later. Some people married out of lonliness, or wanting to have sex. They ended in divorce.

I have been trusting God for a Godly man but am willing to accept being alone if God doesnt provide him for me. However, thats not what God has been speaking to my heart. If he intends for me to be gifted with singleness I believe he would be prepairing my heart to be single. (I will accept a date and hang out in social circles when I can)

When I read Suzanne's blog it gives me the most peace. The Holy Spirit directs me personally to "wait on the Lord" "There is a reason...he makes all things good"

I just wanted to encourage people that didn't have a good christian household, that have messed up. The God restores and heals...
Just trust his timing. Get your healing and let hi build your patience and charecter during your time of singleness!

[50. Taianna said the following at 10:03 AM on Jan 15:]

50

My boyfriend just broke up with me & we have 2 small children together. We love each other dearly but he is confused about life and easily angered. I am working on improving myself, but I continue to pray for him. My heart is hurting & I am trying to be forgiving. I have asked God to make my boyfriend a better man for Him, as well as, for the children & for me. I don't want to feel wrong for asking God for my hearts desires. My mother says, "not my will but Thy will be done." I do want what God has instored for me, but I really want my first love & the father of my children to be my soul mate. Sometimes I feel hopeless. So I pray & ask God to see me through. Am I wrong for wanting a companion? Am I wrong for wanting to spend the rest of my life with the one I love?