The Top Ten Myths of Divorce
by Ted Slater on 10/27/2007 at 12:01 AM
A good amount of what we believe about relationships is just off. And that includes what we believe about divorce. According to David Popenoe, co-director of Rutgers National Marriage Project, the following are myths:
- Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Not true.
- Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Not true.
- Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Not true.
- Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Not true.
- Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man's improves by forty two percent. Not true.
- When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. Not true.
- Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. Not true.
- Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. Not true.
- Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. Not true.
- It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Not true.
If you've been divorced, please understand that you have my sympathies. I can't imagine the pain you've experienced, and may still be experiencing. For you, which of these "myths" had you already recognized as such? Do any of these statements strike you as in fact not myths?
If you haven't been divorced, were you surprised by any of these statements? Did you already know, for example, that living together before marriage actually increases your chance for divorce?
1. Justice said the following at 4:11 AM on Oct 27:
Thanks!!!
I personally just got home from work (yes, at 2am!) and told a bunch of co-workers about my engagement this last week, most of them were not excited but rather 'yousure???????????' greatly discouraging, uplifting article to me!
2. N said the following at 7:23 AM on Oct 27:
Classic case of man (and woman) taking things into their own hands, applying a heavy dose of self-justification, and screwing things up.
Very tragic, but also very much unnecessary.
3. P&P said the following at 8:17 AM on Oct 27:
Myth Five:
Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man's improves by forty two percent. Not true.
If you read the full text, you'll see that the income gap still exists:
"This dramatic inequity, one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences, was later found to be based on a faulty calculation. A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was twenty seven percent while the man’s gain was ten percent. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades."
4. Jeff said the following at 9:35 AM on Oct 27:
With the large increase of cohabitation in the U.S., I think it's especially important for people to be educated about myth #2. I think it's ironic that many people cohabitate due to fear of marital commitment and divorce. What they fail to realize is that cohabitation only serves to increase the future possibility of divorce rather than decrease it.
5. Canadian Boy said the following at 9:39 AM on Oct 27:
Great post, Ted. It is so clear that divorce has a hugely-negative impact on everyone involved- especially the children.
And yet it is so unbelieveably common. 40-50%, I've heard. It's not fair.
6. Joseph said the following at 10:07 AM on Oct 27:
Being the product of a divorced family from since I can remember, I found that from the child's end they have to be given something that is reliable because the family did not turn out so. The strain of the relationships between mom and dad were both put in difficult spots and children should not be forced to take sides which often happens a some point during the divorce process.
I hope that my parents mistakes will not repeat themselves in my future marriage (hopefully there will be one), so I didn't find #7 so encouraging as much as I would like it to be true.
7. Ame said the following at 10:50 AM on Oct 27:
I cannot address all of these because they don't all apply to me or my divorce, but I can address a few:
"1Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages."
I wish someone would give ALL the statistics ... the way these are presented are often all doom.
"3 Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood."
Yes. And my kids are still kids. But there are a lot of other factors to consider ... most importantly, how the mom and dad handle the divorce and treat each other privately and publically. Divorce is nothing short of hell on everyone, but exponentially so on kids. It's something that's not contained to the age they were when the divorce occured, it continues thorughout their whole lives ... like continuous little deaths along the way. But to say or imply that all children of divorce are doomed to a messed up life is unrealistic and unfair. To say or imply that a lot of very hard work and very hard choices must be made by both the parents and the kids to live a positive, productive life is much more realistic. This is a very brief answer ... the complete answer is much more complex.
5 Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man’s improves by forty two percent. This dramatic inequity, one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences, was later found to be based on a faulty calculation. A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was twenty seven percent while the man’s gain was ten percent. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades."
In my experience and from what I have seen, the woman's standard of income does drop significantly while the husband's increases.
"6 When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce—and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type—the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce."
I agree with this. The conflict/abuse in my marriage was extreme because of the addiction my husband continuously engaged in. The peace that flooded our home when he moved out was vivid. He was so violent and evil and mean and took it out on both the children and myself.
"8 Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. The evidence suggests that stepfamilies are no improvement over single-parent families, even though typically income levels are higher and there is a father figure in the home. Stepfamilies tend to have their own set of problems, including interpersonal conflicts with new parent figures and a very high risk of family breakup."
I am not here yet but hope to be someday. I have seen, and hope it will be for us, that a blended family can offer the children an opportunity to see something beautiful. Hard? Yes. But you cannot imagine the "hard" we've already been through.
"9 Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. All marriages have their ups and downs. Recent research using a large national sample found that eighty six percent of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, and stayed with the marriage, indicated when interviewed five years later that they were happier. Indeed, three fifths of the formerly unhappily married couples rated their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy.”
Marriage is not a state of continuous happiness. Marriage is a relationship that requires a lot of work. Ups and downs are a part of life.
"10 It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower. Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be "badly behaved." Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity."
My ex initiated our divorce, but I am meeting many where it was/is the wife who was unfaithful, tired of being married, bored with her husband, unwilling to "put up" with him anymore or make significant changes in herself. I believe women encourage women negatively in this area.
8. Louise said the following at 12:32 PM on Oct 27:
Yes, Mr. Slater, I definitely have heard that living together before marriage increases the chances of divorce.
And I believe it to be true.
My theory about the correlation is that liberal minded people are more likely to live together before marriage, AND are more likely to consider divorce as an acceptable solution to profound marital misery.
It is only my opinion of course.
Now, re children being better off with unhappy married parents, vs. happier divorce parents, I don't know which is better for children, and I do not have children.
But in my own case, by the time I finally decided to seek a divorce I had endured five plus years of verbal and emotional abuse. Since the distressing situation I was in affected the way I felt myself in every aspect of my life I am absolutely certain that my parenting skills would have been adversely affected, HAD I BEEN A PARENT.
9. Kristine said the following at 2:34 PM on Oct 27:
Society in general does need to wake up and face some of these statistical probabilities. But let's also remember that we serve a God who is all about redemption. There is no divorced person or child of divorce beyond the reach of His redeeming love. A statistic only shows probability, not destiny.
10. Jethro said the following at 4:37 PM on Oct 27:
Louise is right. Correlation does not equal causation. Strongly religious people such as some Christians and Muslims are less likely to live together before getting married and are less likely to divorce when they do. It's called 'self-selection bias' if your into statistics.
One thing I'm not sure of: what's the Boundless position on people who are in marriages in which they are deeply unhappy and in which it is clear they and the spouse no longer love each other?
11. Daddy's Girl said the following at 8:13 PM on Oct 27:
Regarding #3: "Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it..."
Coming from a home where my parents were divorced when I was young, I know first-hand that divorce has a huge effect on children.
Different children deal with it in different ways. For me, it was very internal. The hole left by an absent father only increased as I grew older and I held the pain inside.
THE ONLY SOLUTION is this: the revelation that GOD was your father EVEN BEFORE you were rejected by your earthly father, and that he NEVER will abandon you! WOW.
God is truly a father to the fatherless. Today I can look back and not have ANY regrets because I have the greatest father on earth! He COMPLETELY fills that void and knowing him in this intimate way is so amazing.
12. Ame said the following at 8:22 PM on Oct 27:
I am not a member of the Boundless team, nor do I now, nor have I ever worked for Focus. But I want to address Jethro's question:
"One thing I'm not sure of: what's the Boundless position on people who are in marriages in which they are deeply unhappy and in which it is clear they and the spouse no longer love each other?"
I am not an expert in the field of psychology or of marriage, but I was married for 20 years, and I have many friends who have been married for that length of time or more or less.
God does not give us an "out" from marriage based on happiness or love. Marriage is a covenant relationship. Love, in a covenant relationship, is a choice.
If one lives long enough, they will most likely go through unhappy, even deeply unhappy periods in their lives. How we live through those unhappy times is our choice. If we are married long enough, we will probably have times when we don't feel very "in love" with our spouse and where we wonder if there is any love left at all. How we live through these times is our choice.
God is the God of Love, the author of Love. If we want to be able to love our spouse, we need to draw from the source of the Author of Love. I know this is a simplistic answer to a complex question. Time and space do not allow for me to expound more.
My husband was a very difficult man to love and be married to. Yet, I did not find an out to my marriage because of how difficult he was or because of how depleted my love and happiness. Before I knew of his unfaithfulness and before his abuse crescendoed to greater extremes, I would read my Bible and not find an out. God does not command wives or husbands with an "if" or a "but" attached. He gives a command with a period. I had to pray exhaustively for God to enable me to love my husband ... for God to love my husband through me ... because I was not able. I had to throw myself into my God to find my happiness.
I was a very imperfect wife, but I believe I did the very best I knew how to do with the strength of the Holy Spirit and the wisdom of God through His Word. I prayed often for wisdom, discernment, discretion and knowledge. I prayed often for my husband. I prayed often for myself. And, of course, I prayed always for my children when God gave them to me.
btw - I did not have children to "save" my marriage. I had made the choice to be married. Divorce was not an option, so I was not looking for a way to save my marriage. It was actually during my second pregnancy that my husband began to be unfaithful, but it was not until they were 3 and 5 years old that I knew the truth. My children are a gift from God, as all children are. But God in His infinite wisdom and love created my children when we were told we could not have children ... and I believe He did that for me, a gift to me to hold onto as I led them through the horrible years of the discovery, the therapy, the abuse, separation/reconcilliation/divorce.
13. Ashley said the following at 9:12 PM on Oct 27:
Ame,
I have to say as an adult child of divorce myself, that you are wrong on several of the arguments you made. It is true that children are worse off if their parents divorce than those whose parents didn't. However, children living in a home where the parents experience an "emotional" divorce, still suffer many of the same issues that children of divorce do. The only time children are better off is when the situation related to abuse.
The other thing is that kids will appear resilient, and won't likely exhibit many noticable after-effects until later in life (called the "sleeper effect"). This is what happened to me, I didn't recognize many of my scars until a few years ago at 19, and I am one of the few fortunate ones to realize them at such a young age. I've spent the last few years going through a lot of tough healing, and it really has been hell for me. My parent's divorce affected me in so many negative ways, that it has taken a lot of effort (and God's work) to bring healing.
Every person is a unique individual and will react to a divorce in different ways. Some kids will turn into high-achieving perfectionists (that would be me) and others may fall on the opposite end, or somewhere in the middle. The fact is, divorce is extremely detrimental to kids, and I believe, should be avoided at all costs (with certain exceptions obviously).
I think one of the main reasons divorce is so prevalent is because society's view of love is completely askew. People aren't entering marriage with the understanding of love being that choice and commitment, and unfortunately our culture has become more feeling-based than anything else.
The statistics are depressing, but they are to get people's attention; so we will change the way things are and try harder. I know that God has blessed me in that I can relate to so many others now. I work with youth and I can be there and attempt to offset at least some of the things that may become embedded in their pscyhes. I can speak out and educate on what happens to children of divorce, and so I am glad that I have this special perspective, as much as I resent what my parent's did. However, forgiveness must also be learned, and my parents are individuals who made wrong choices, and were also products of their past. I know that God is my real parent and the only perfect one for me... I just hope other adult children of divorce can learn the same.
Thanks for posting these stats Ted, a lot of people need to hear about how harmful divorce is on kids.
Oh and, Judith Wallerstein did a 25-year longitudinal study on the effects of divorce that is worth the read. She also wrote some other books pertaining to the subject as well. I have a few other titles that have been very helpful, but hopefully more will be written on the subject.
14. Ashley said the following at 9:17 PM on Oct 27:
Oops, Ame I read part of your post wrong and thought you were arguing against some things but you were in agreement. So ignore my comment on that!
15. Diane said the following at 10:09 PM on Oct 27:
Generally unless because of physical or emotional abuse I believe people should stay together despite if they are christians or not. 1.Most people after being married will not successfully live celibate lives. 2 Your chances of being someone who is truly marraigeable and a "good catch" decreases. There is so much work to do and baggage to unpack I think it is difficult.
Better to just stay together and slug it out and learn to die to self and crucify each other.This life isn't that long afterall.
16. Leah said the following at 6:07 AM on Oct 28:
While I agree with the fact that most of these myths aren't true, I don't like this post. I appreciate that you've linked to the original, but I think you need to give more eplanation as to why they're "not true". Just saying "xyz- not true" isn't much of a blog post.
The only myth i kind of agree with is #1. Not based on research or anything, just observation. Not saying people *should* get divorced, just saying that instances I've seen, the second marriage lasts better than the first. Probably because they realise "down" times come, not matter how good the marriage is, and are not excuse for divorce.
Just observation.
17. Adam Sloope said the following at 6:51 AM on Oct 29:
I think there are several myths that caught me as odd or made me laugha little. I am a product of a broken home, my parents were divorced when I was in the second grade.
Myth 2: Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Not true indeed. My little sister tries to pull this line on my all the time. I think that in general we like to think we can map out our marriages and have little assurances it will work out flawlessly. The point is that we don't know and we jump into this new life together with faith and commitment knowing we have made a covenant between ourselves and God that we will be unified for life. Within this unification comes problems and trouble, but we must always choose to do the right thing. So even if you did live together and things typically go well, 15 years own the road something else will come up that you didn't expect. We can never avoid some kind of conflict ina marriage and living together beforehand will not make it easier to bare.
Myth 4:Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Not true! What a selfish and foolish thought. Our relationship isn't working right now so if I up the commitment factor with a kid it will be better. Maybe people who think like this have never been around children, but they complicate stuff, they are help create a ton of other things within a marriage that were not there before. So now, you are putting the child at risk because if you are not commited and for sure before a kid, you def will not be more after one. I had a friend who did this and they split up right after the child was born.
Myth 8:Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. Not true. The weird thing about step famnilies is that most of the time the child has some unresolved issues or bitterness towards the parent that left,so when a new one comes in, he is resented evenmore. My step father came into the picture when i was in my teens and my biggest problem with him was that I though all dad's let me down and now this guy came into the picture and he is not even my real dad so he has no reason to not let me down. Then came the rules and him trying to act like my father, which he wasn't. Partially i am to blame for those early feelings, but the reality is that many children resent step parents because they never resolved their issues with their real parent.
18. Erica said the following at 8:44 AM on Oct 29:
Concerning No. 4
A lot of women gave up their jobs and career improvement when they got married and have children. They believe their marriage will work out and their husbands will support them and the children for the rest of their lives. Twenty years later when the husband walked out some of these women only have an high school diploma as they think it was not necessary to continue their education when they marry their high school sweet heart. When they divorce, these women are not qualified enough to get the job that will maintain their lifestyles. However, their husbands continue to work on his career and might even become manager at his office while his wife is a housewife with an entry level qualification.
After Divorce their income plummetted while their husband income increase. This is because the husband no longer has a wife and kids to maintain (he might not even send child support cheques).
I read through the blogs on boundless and a lot of high school girls mentioned that they feel pressure to attend College while all they plan to be is a Stay At Home Mom. Without a good college education and continue upgrading of qualifications the women income will plummeted after divorce. You have to support 5 children on a Waitress Salary or Store Clerk Salary.
19. Emily said the following at 11:05 AM on Oct 29:
I was raised in a happy Christian home with loving parents who were honest about the work that it takes to build a strong marriage. I entered into marriage with the understanding that marriage is forever, and I never thought I'd ever ever have to go through a divorce, though I now find myself in the middle of a divorce because my husband has been abusive. An exception to myth #6 (as abuse seems too often to be an overlooked "exception" to most common reasons for divorce these days), sometimes divorce is the best thing for both the parents and the children. I put up with verbal and emotional abuse for over 3 years because I was committed to our marriage and not willing to "throw in the towel" because we'd made a covenant before God and I took my marriage vows seriously. I realized that my husband's abusive words, manipulations, anger and violence was affecting our whole family...we have two little ones, boy 2yrs and girl 6mo,...even at 2yrs, my son was acting out and mimmicking his father's bad behavior...but when my husband started pushing and shoving me and even went so far as to hit me, God opened my eyes to see and recognize the abuse for what it was and I realized that it wasn't safe for me or the kids to stay in that situation. My parents opened their home and made adjustments in their lives to take in the kids and me, and I must say that we have all been blessed through this arrangement. The kids, especially my 2yr old son, have been happier and more agreeable and carefree. I know that I have been more relaxed not having to walk on eggshells all the time wondering what I may say or do that might make my husband blow up at me. Though I realize that I got out of a bad situation for the safety of myself and the kids, I didn't (and most people don't) realize just how serious and detrimental verbal and emotional abuse can be. I have learned that I have a lot of healing to do and baggage to shake off, and though sometimes it would be nice to sit around and feel sorry for myself and the kids and I could be angry at the unfairness of our shattered dreams, I am forced to get on my knees and turn to God for my strength to make it through each day and know that He has a plan through this tough time. I do pray that my children will not be "scarred for life" and I'm thankful they are so young right now, and maybe God will graciously block the bad things out of their young memories. Even so, I do know that having a good male role model in my 2yr old son's life is so important, and I'm thankful that God has given me such a wonderful support group of family, friends, and church family to help us get through this healing process. In the case of an abusive situation, I firmly believe that having a good support group as well as a good understanding of what you are going through can help to minimize the negative and highlight the positive effects of divorce.
20. Patricia said the following at 11:37 AM on Oct 29:
Erica-i think that's a very important point. I am always troubled when I hear about women discussing just wanting to be a stay at home mom and not wanting to finish their degree. Obviously being a mom is an important job-but I believe women should be ready to support themselves even if they think they will not end up divorced. What if their husband dies? Also, raising young children is only a small part of most women's lives, maybe 10-20 years out of 45 post college years where one potentially can work. Caring for young children is a stage in one's life and should not be looked at as the be all and end all of life.
21. J. said the following at 3:26 PM on Oct 29:
Emily,
My heart breaks for you. Kudos to you for having the courage to leave in order to protect your children and yourself.
A very illuminating article about divorcing because of abuse was recently posted on ChristianityToday.com; I hope it will be a source of comfort for you. Here is the link:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/october/20.26.html
22. JonM said the following at 7:40 AM on Oct 30:
Myth no.3 is such a dangerous one because often when children don't demonstrate clear signs of distress their divorcing parents assume the divorce is not really affecting the child. However, whenever divorcing or separating parents are in conflict their children are in danger of both short and long-term harm. I work for a small family charity whose aim is to help parents and professionals better meet the true needs of children when families are in crisis. The charity has created a free and interactive website that helps parents reduce conflict and focus on their children. Many parents have reported back that focusing on their children’s needs was also the best path to their own healing. Please feel free to visit www.UpTpParents.org. All of the resources on the site are free and there are no commercial links.
23. Scott said the following at 8:57 PM on Oct 30:
N wrote:
Myth Five:
Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man's improves by forty two percent. Not true.
If you read the full text, you'll see that the income gap still exists:
"This dramatic inequity, one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences, was later found to be based on a faulty calculation. A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was twenty seven percent while the man’s gain was ten percent. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades."
Adam Sloope wrote:
After Divorce their income plummetted while their husband income increase. This is because the husband no longer has a wife and kids to maintain (he might not even send child support cheques).
I'm currently reading Stephen Baskerville's new book, Taken Into Custody: The War Against Fathers, Marriage, and the Family. This is a truly frightening book which details exactly what 'involuntarily divorced' (and thus, usually, non-custodial parents), chiefly fathers, face in todays society. In the chapter Deadbeat Dads or Plundered Pops, pp. 116-117, Baskerville writes:
***
"Unemployment (itself, often caused directly by divorce court action, as we shall see) has consistently been found to be "the single most important factor relating to nonpayment [of child support]", and contrary to another public misconception, [Sanford] Braver details acute financial hardships many involuntarily divorced fathers endure 349. Contrary to highly publicized but inaccurate figures on the cost of divorce to women, peer-reviewed economic research concluded that "it is the non-custodial parent, usually the father, who suffers most [from divorce]. In every case and for every income, according to our analyses, the payer of child support is never able to cover household expenditures if paying child support at guideline levels. (so much for 'no longer having a wife and kids to maintain')" The study adds, realistically. "These simulations may actually under-represent the circumstances of non-custodial parents because they do not include expenditures for their children beyond child support."350
"The picture that emerges is one of fathers who, far from abandoning their children, make enormous sacrifices to support children who have been taken from them through no legal wrongdoing on their part and who make heroic efforts to remain in contact with them, often against overwhelming obstacles.
"Other social scientists have found that as much as 95 percent of fathers having no employment problems for the previous five years pay their ordered child support regularly, and that 81 percent paid in full and on time."351 Columnist Kathleen Parker concluded that "the 'deadbeat dad' is an egregious exaggeration, a caricature of a few desperate men who for various reasons - sometimes pretty good ones - fail to hand over their paycheck, assuming they have one." Deborah Simmons of the Washington Times observes that "there is scant evidence that crackdowns...serve any purpose other than to increase the back accounts of those special-interest groups pushing enforcement."352
349) Sanford L. Braver with Diane O'Connell, Divorced Dads, Shattering the Myths (New York: Tarcher/Putnam, 1998), p. 33
350) Kimberly Folse and Hugo Varela-Alverarez, "Long-Run Economic Consequences of Child Support Enforcement for the Middle Class," Journal of Socio-Economics, vol. 31, no. 3 (2002), pp. 273, 285. The authors are refuting Lenore Weitzman's highly influential but wildly inaccurate book, The Divorce Revolution (New York: Free Press, 1987). Weitzman, who has acknowledged her report was wrong, is also refuted by Cynthia A. McNeely, "Lagging Behind The Times: Parenthood, Custody, and Gender Bias in the Family Court," Florida State Law Review, vol. 25, no. 4 (Summer 1998).
351) Judi Bartfeld and Daniel Meyer, "Are There Really Deadbeat Dads?" Social Service Review, vol. 68 (1994), pp. 2196-235
352) Kathleen Parker, "The Deadbeat Dad Is Less a Scoundrel than an Object of Pity," Orlando Sentinel, 17 October 1999; Deborah Simmons, "Divorced Dads Taking It on the Chin, Then Some," Washington Times, 9 November 1999, p. E6.
I would recommend everyone read this book if they want to understand why so many men are refraining from marriage. There are more reasons, no doubt, than just divorce and its consequences, but this is a big factor and to ignore or dismiss it, as many do, is to put your head in the sand.
24. Ame said the following at 10:41 PM on Oct 30:
Scott ... interesting ... wouldn't surprise me.
My ex chose our divorce and chose his unfaithfulness and chose his addiction and chose his abuse ... even having every opportunity and more that anyone could ever conceive to make right choices.
Given all of that, he has not missed one payment of child support or spousal support.
In my county, we were required to take a one-night parenting course for those going thru divorce with children. One of the things the teacher mentioned was that the more involved the non-custodial parent, the more they are willing to pay child support.
I have made very different choices from most I know who have gone through divorce ... that is due to an awesome God, an exceptional therapist, and amazing friends who prayed for me.
Given all of that, I have made considerable effort to keep my ex informed about our kids, to keep him present in their lives. We both allow free access to calling the other parent and allow our girls to take whatever they want to either home.
Because we have a special needs daughter, he pays considerable spousal support so I do not have to work and am able to be a SAHM. Also, he is quite financially successful in corp America, which affords him the ability to do so.
Really and truly, the bottom line is, divorce is hell. God hates divorce because He loves us SOOO much that He hates to see what it does to us, all of us, especially the children.
There are NO winners in divorce. EVERYONE looses.
I am relieved from living with an unfaithful man, having to be concerned with what diseases he could give me, with his increasing violence and abuse which he took out on the girls and myself.
But I do not win. No one wins. There are no winners in divorce. Everyone looses.
My ex gets all the free time and doesn't have to make hardly any decisions with the children or care for them when they're sick or do homework or projects or keep them on a school night. But, he's alone every night. I get LOTS of hugs and kisses from my girls. I often have two little ones crawling into bed with me in the middle of the night b/c they've kicked their covers off and are freezing little ice cubes and need Momma to warm them up.
There is severe inequity in divorce no matter how the pie is sliced. It is hell. Everyone looses.
The amazing thing about all of this is that God is Redeemer and Healer and Sovereign and Good and Love.
My girls have wanted a step dad since the beginning. They know, deep down, that their dad is not really good. They know they are not safe alone with him and will never choose to go to his apartment without their sister. Together they are a force when he gets violent; alone they are helpless; and they instinctively know this.
I pray that God will send a kind, caring, godly man into our lives who will give our girls another view of men ... that there are men who choose to be good and kind and NOT violent or cruel.
Also, as it's been mentioned, the pain of the divorce is not a one-time event. It is on-going. It's like continuous little deaths along the path of life. My Youngest had a meltdown just last night because of the pain from having divorced parents. It crushes me they hurt so much.
25. Louise said the following at 6:57 AM on Oct 31:
Interesting, Scott.
Remember the ex-boyfriend I wrote about in the "Get Married or Break Up" thread, the one who told me I didn't have a submissive bone in my body?
Well he was always complaining about child support issues, how there was no accountability...he had no idea how the money was/is spent....his ex-wife just wanted more money from him so her current husband didn't have to work too hard, etc.
I never met his ex-wife so I do not know her side of the story.
It's a complex issue, I am sure.
26. Scott said the following at 9:54 AM on Oct 31:
Louise wrote:
Well he was always complaining about child support issues, how there was no accountability...he had no idea how the money was/is spent....his ex-wife just wanted more money from him so her current husband didn't have to work too hard, etc.
Baskerville also points out that states have a financial incentive to raise the child support payments demanded of (usually involuntarily) divorced dads as high as possible - even to the point of absurdity. This is because federal outlays to states for the purposes of 'child support enforcement' are based on the money demanded of and/or collected from fathers. States profit enormously from this unjust system.
Your ex-boyfriend wasn't far off the mark. Studies have shown that these typically ridiculous child support payments far exceed what is needed to provide for the child; with the rest being 'profit' for the mother.
Baskerville also points out that at a divorced father's first day in family court, he is branded him a semi-criminal because child support payments are not only imposed, but they are often backdated, putting the father in arrears from day one.
And this isn't even the tip of the iceberg, it barely quailifies as an 'ice cube'. Baskerville's book reveals the absoultely and intentionally Kafka-esque nature of family/divorce law/court.
27. laurel said the following at 10:04 AM on Oct 31:
I agree that Myth 2 is an important one that needs to be brought to light to more of the general public. As a Family Science major in college, the topic for the main paper in one of my classes was on the topic of cohabitation. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there is a fair amount of research -- non-Christian research (which was the pleasantly surprising part to me) -- demonstrating that cohabitation prior to marriage is detrimental to the succeeding marriage.
If anyone's interested, there is a fair amount of literature out on the topic, but two researchers who I particularly like are Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher (like I said, they do not profess a faith in Christianity, which I like because their "non-biased" studies and information then seem to hold more weight with other non-Christians).
Just wanted to throw that info out there.
28. Louise said the following at 11:48 AM on Oct 31:
Ame, I wish you the best of luck with your sitution.
IMO not everyone "loses" in a divorce.
I did not "win" per se, but any losses I experienced were extremely minimal.
I do not have children though.
Definitely makes a divorce easier!
Again, I wish you the best of luck.
29. GUNNY HARTMAN said the following at 12:32 PM on Oct 31:
This is a great list.
I've yet to hear any of these used to justify their desire to divorce, but I have heard some of them as a self-justification afterward.
30. Mike said the following at 8:56 AM on May 6:
Wow!!! This is a good list. As a devoted husband, I try to look for signs in my marriage of breakdowns. I as perfect as I try to be, I do make mistakes. However, I do own up to them quickly and "fall-on-my-sword" fast to get closure on the issue. I have found that seems to work best.
The only thing I can always suggest is keep the lines of communication open. I have learned that:
One can not be happy in a relationship with out peace.
1. You can’t have peace without healing.
2. You can’t have healing without closure.
3. You can’t have closure without forgiveness.
4. You can’t have forgiveness without communication.
Therefore: Keep the lines of communication OPEN.