Poor Expectations Driving Marital Itch Earlier
by Steve Watters on 10/31/2007 at 11:40 AM
A little while back, I blogged about the concept of the seven year itch in marriage. Today, a report out of London says that itch is occurring earlier and that "married couples are at their greatest risk of divorcing just before their fifth anniversary."
"The crisis point for the modern marriage is arriving sooner," said Aiva Jasilioniene, who helped conduct the study.
She said the early years of marriage can be tough because they are often characterized by challenging experiences involving the building of careers and the bearing of children.
... Anastasia de Waal, head of family and education issues at Civitas, a research organization in London, agreed that married people are definitely becoming "itchier" earlier these days.
"The main reason seems to be increased expectations of both relationships and what a happy marriage should be like," she said. "In a climate of media-enhanced instant gratification, the stakes have been raised as mere contentedness is no longer enough in a marriage.
"We increasingly expect that more passionate element to continue indefinitely," she said.
This report is a reminder of how inflated expectations can keep people from marrying well. A good Biblical marriage provides plenty of potential for passion and happiness, but it was never intended to be just a vending machine for personal happiness (that you leave when the variety gets old).
Our best foundation for a marriage that can go the distance is still the Christlike other-centeredness of Philippians 2:3-11 that begins, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
1. Adam Sloope said the following at 1:21 PM on Oct 31:
Yes, I think Christian singles look a lot at worldly relatioships and want that instead of what the bible teaches. I think the best thing we can always do is pursue Christ and when we get involved in relatioships, think of them before ourselves. If both parties of thinking of each other before themselves, than there iwll always be the connection and lack of need for renewed passion (or at least what tv says is passion)
2. Sylvia said the following at 8:32 PM on Oct 31:
I might be wrong about this, but the question came up in my mind.
Couldn't "itching" sooner be related to our marrying later? Could it actually be that the couples are reaching about the same age as in former years in which they start to think about their goals and hopes and dreams and expectations, and allow themselves to become discontented and to worry about the rapid passage of time?
I'm not good at the math. What does anybody else think?
3. DannieA said the following at 10:29 PM on Oct 31:
forget the 5 year anniversary....the itch comes at 2 years sadly enough. All my friends who have gotten divorces have done so at the 2 year mark.
It's extremely sad!!!!
4. Leah said the following at 9:11 AM on Nov 1:
Fortunately I have only witnessed one Christian divorce. I know of others, and I know of separations, but I have only personally witnessed one. That was at around the 9 year mark (with 2 small children).
5. MarkB said the following at 11:25 AM on Nov 1:
Sylvia, it may have some relationship to this 5-year-sooner-than-previous phenomena, but even as the article states, it seems to give more credence to the no-fault-nature of divorce along with the comment about our general cultural and state of character: "preoccupation with individual rights and personal gratification militates against the selfless devotion".
A reader of today's blog on the reports and studies on the "seeker friendly strategies" in church growth might offer an interesting juxtaposition and argument for postponing a decision for marriage. Depth of spiritual maturity, basic discipleship, fostering a mandate for personal growth and knowledge of God's word (enlightening wisdom and a fear of the Lord along with a deepening devotion and love)... elements such as these seem to echo more about the systemic problems that are evidenced in the divorce rate within the church.
One could go on and on about all the elements that are infiltrating our minds and spirits and leading us to broken relationships and lives. But I will still remain a proponent of deferring the marriage commiment, prolonging the self assessments, seeking personal maturity in Christ, yielding everything in our lives toward the light of God's light, before we can, with integrity, commit ourselves to that life-long covenant and vow.
One interesting note, as well, was the comment: "women in particular are more likely to pursue careers and to become disenchanted with married life much earlier." What a interesting point is made about that, as it has been, on a general note, the men who have been more frequently the initiators of divorce.
Does the article's use of the words "disenchantment" and "increased expectations" (perhaps the word "false expectations" would be just as appropriate) cause one to look more closely at ourselves? Might it cause one to shudder just a bit about our blurred vision and our need for desperate grasp upon His transforming work in our lives?
6. Val said the following at 10:06 PM on Nov 1:
MarkB--wise words!
7. Kit said the following at 10:25 PM on Nov 1:
Sylvia said, "Couldn't "itching" sooner be related to our marrying later?" IMHO, I think that marrying later is actually a good thing. I think the itch might be directly related to people marrying too YOUNG. I have seen many Christian marriages fall apart because the couple, when they married, was "madly in love" but didn't know much else about what they wanted out of life, careerwise or otherwise. When each party realized what they wanted, it caused sometimes, irreparable damage to the marriage. It has often been the misconception that the marriage age has always been as early as the early twenties. This is not true; a century ago, people regularly married later (mid- to late- twenties). It was only with the Second World War that the age became so young. I think waiting is wise.
8. Justice said the following at 10:24 AM on Nov 4:
Kit,
I don't think it's because of marrying later. By the way Boundless editors, is marrying really so bad after all? With life expectancy longer, we need to prepare for a longer future, meaning that we need to prepare our careers and skills to last. Given hormones still rage when you hit 12, but our generation does need to prepare to live to 90-100
9. xeres said the following at 9:34 AM on Nov 5:
Justice,
Boundless regards marriage with great respect. This article how today's worldview of life is butting heads with God's vision for marriage to the extent where about the majority allowed that to happen. Look at reasons for cohabitation. They often pulled the 'test drive' reason. When I hear those things, it's annoying because people are not cars. While they are general prinpicles you can come with through observation, the things of the soul cannot be quanitified like economists do on supply and demand issues. Plus, you can't just rely on what works; it's more important if it is the right thing to do or the right way to respond to a bad situation in a relationship rather than just simply what works.