Why Dating Outside the Faith is Illogical by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 09/17/2007 at 2:45 PM

WSJ online ran an article last week on Christians dating non-Christians. It begins by pointing out an obvious disconnect:

In an episode of "Seinfeld" that lays bare the characters' secular sensibilities, Elaine is shocked to learn that her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Puddy, is a believing Christian. "So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?" she asks him upon realizing their differing worldviews. "Not for me," he answers. "I'm not the one going to hell." Though Elaine herself acknowledges that she doesn't believe in an afterlife, she becomes increasingly angry with Puddy for not caring more about her eternal damnation. Finally, she explodes: "You should be trying to save me!"

However unlikely, the "Seinfeld" writers seem to have nailed one of the essential problems of evangelical Christians dating outside their faith community -- what some jokingly refer to as "missionary dating." Lisa Ann Cockrel, the managing editor of Brazos Press, a Christian publisher, writes in an email that "hell is a good barometer for what a Christian will think about missionary dating." In other words, if Puddy really thought Elaine was going to experience such a fate, could he really date her, let alone marry her, without trying to save her?

I've wondered about this myself. In the end, how could a person be at peace in a relationship where he or she fears for his or her partner's eternal soul? So what is driving our tendency to even consider dating outside the fold? The article identifies one of the reasons -- desperation:

For evangelicals who want to pair up with others of the same faith but don't manage to do so in their early 20s, trouble lies ahead, particularly for women. Evangelical churches now typically have a 60-40 split between women and men, which means that there are many more single evangelical women out there than their male counterparts. As Ms. Cockrel explains, "I have friends who wanted to marry a Christian guy, are still single, and are more and more open to dating non-Christians as they get older. They're tired of waiting."

I'm sure more than a few single women out there can relate. And yet, such relationships fall way short of God's best. In her recent article "Same-Lord Relationships," Carolyn McCulley considers the temptation to date those who don't share your faith -- and how it can get you way off-track. She offers this warning:

The moral of the story is never underestimate the negative influence of an unbelieving spouse. God is infinitely wiser than we are and His command to only marry (and by inference, only date) other believers is for both our benefit and His glory.

Whether portrayed on a sitcom or served up in Scripture as a cautionary tale, dating an unbeliever just doesn't make sense.

HT: Justin Taylor
 

Why Dating Outside the Faith is Illogical by Suzanne Hadley Gosselin on 09/17/2007 at 2:45 PM

WSJ online ran an article last week on Christians dating non-Christians. It begins by pointing out an obvious disconnect:

In an episode of "Seinfeld" that lays bare the characters' secular sensibilities, Elaine is shocked to learn that her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Puddy, is a believing Christian. "So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?" she asks him upon realizing their differing worldviews. "Not for me," he answers. "I'm not the one going to hell." Though Elaine herself acknowledges that she doesn't believe in an afterlife, she becomes increasingly angry with Puddy for not caring more about her eternal damnation. Finally, she explodes: "You should be trying to save me!"

However unlikely, the "Seinfeld" writers seem to have nailed one of the essential problems of evangelical Christians dating outside their faith community -- what some jokingly refer to as "missionary dating." Lisa Ann Cockrel, the managing editor of Brazos Press, a Christian publisher, writes in an email that "hell is a good barometer for what a Christian will think about missionary dating." In other words, if Puddy really thought Elaine was going to experience such a fate, could he really date her, let alone marry her, without trying to save her?

I've wondered about this myself. In the end, how could a person be at peace in a relationship where he or she fears for his or her partner's eternal soul? So what is driving our tendency to even consider dating outside the fold? The article identifies one of the reasons -- desperation:

For evangelicals who want to pair up with others of the same faith but don't manage to do so in their early 20s, trouble lies ahead, particularly for women. Evangelical churches now typically have a 60-40 split between women and men, which means that there are many more single evangelical women out there than their male counterparts. As Ms. Cockrel explains, "I have friends who wanted to marry a Christian guy, are still single, and are more and more open to dating non-Christians as they get older. They're tired of waiting."

I'm sure more than a few single women out there can relate. And yet, such relationships fall way short of God's best. In her recent article "Same-Lord Relationships," Carolyn McCulley considers the temptation to date those who don't share your faith -- and how it can get you way off-track. She offers this warning:

The moral of the story is never underestimate the negative influence of an unbelieving spouse. God is infinitely wiser than we are and His command to only marry (and by inference, only date) other believers is for both our benefit and His glory.

Whether portrayed on a sitcom or served up in Scripture as a cautionary tale, dating an unbeliever just doesn't make sense.

HT: Justin Taylor
 

Comments

[101. BDB said the following at 12:12 PM on Sep 22:]

101

Jo wrote:

>>and I know Catholics who meet all the criteria of genuine Christianity that I apply to others, whose relationship with God is (as far as I can see and judge by Biblical standards)<<

I just wrote a paper on this, looking at both protestant and Catholic organizations that serve the poor. There are biblical commandments, straight from Jesus, about Christians' responsibility for the poor. I was struck by how similar the founders were - whether Protestant or Catholic, like the Sisters of Mercy. I mean, the latter group has a network of modern hospitals across the world serving the poor. Few protestant churches can claim to do that.

[102. Lauren T. said the following at 3:34 PM on Sep 22:]

102

Marci:

Thanks! I can understand the concept that calling yourself Roman Catholic and being a Christian are two different things; and I know others who call themselves by their denomination but who don't have any of the evidence of Christianity in their lives, so I know that apathy and real belief in God exist in the same churches.

I didn't get the impression from John's words, though, that he made any distinction; which is where I agree with Jo: John said pretty flatly that if you're dating a Catholic, you're dating an unbeliever.

I don't know if I would date a Catholic. We did leave the church for a reason and I find many parts of the belief system there to be strange and to sit uncomfortably on my conscience. I still would NEVER make the blanket statement that dating a Catholic is exactly the same as dating an unbeliever because (like any other denomination!) it depends on the man whether or not he really follows God with all his "strength and soul and mind".

[103. Mimi said the following at 2:48 AM on Nov 2:]

103

For women struggling with their dating life - or lack thereof, there's a great quote from the book, Fine China is for Single Women Too (Brownback):

"God rewards those who seek him, and one of the rewards we receive is spiritual wisdom and understanding to discern between good, better and best in all the choices with which we are confronted each day. How many men have you dated for their great potentially? 'Oh, he isn't spiritually mature yet,' you've told your friends, 'but he's started to go to church more now that we're dating.' When we are content with our single status and trusting that God will bring along a mate if he wants us to be married, we find that such questioning and anxiety disappear. We are confident that God will make his leading clear, and we are content to sit back until he does. We will be looking for the best - God's best which is always evidenced by the things, people, and situations that best patterns his Word...How many of us have glamorized the basics because it holds out promise of escaping discontent and being alone? Even worse is the rationalizing of destructive relationships for the same reason. When we do this, we are like the shrub in Jeremiah [17:7-8], not the green tree thriving by the river. And we are not approving the things that are excellent, as Paul prayed, but instead are approving mediocrity or worse. Contentment with God is the key to spiritual discernment and knowledge, enabling us to hold out for the best, for our benefit and for the glory of God..."

[104. Vanessa Douglas said the following at 8:01 PM on Jan 2:]

104

I thought I'd just share my experience... I (along with a number of frustrated ladies) used to complain about how the guys never seemed to step up to the plate and ask anyone out at my old churches. It wasn't that NO ONE was going out, but dating had a weirdness to it, people were trying to be careful about Now, a few years later, I've actually met a number of cool Christian guys who I would have liked to date or get to know better. Nothing went anywhere though. I don't know what to say, I guess I just believe God is in control and I'm trying to go with the flow of His Spirit. If that means I'm single, it means I'm single. God has my best interest in mind. This is a hard path to walk at times, I won't lie - I desire a husband and family and I don't believe God will leave me hanging one way or the other. I have yet to even date a Christian! In my 6 years as a believer, I dated a few unbelievers and it was a really painful compromise to make.

[105. cindi said the following at 2:55 PM on Mar 17:]

105

I am reading all the posts with a heavy heart. For some time I have been dating a non-christian. He is a wonderful man and I love him. He is moral, respectful, and very giving. But he is not a Christian. He does attend church with me always and seems to listen intently. However, when I told him I was concerned about his soul his response was "I'm learning what that means". I am 48. He is 50. No children at home. I was divorced by my Christian husband 3 years ago. Two of my previous dating relationships were with Christian men. Both did not have the integrity and sacrificial love for me that this non-christian man has. My heart is breaking. I know the Lord knows what is best. There is a way that seems right to a man but it's path leads to destruction. Pray that I will end this relationship despite all my justification to continue it.

[106. Ashley Harris said the following at 4:05 PM on Mar 17:]

106

Cindi,

What a hard place to be! I'm so encouraged that you are taking your life and holding it up to God's truth and allowing Him to change the way you live rather than letting the way you live dictate what you believe to be true. I will be praying for you as you make hard decisions in the days to come.

Blessings and peace to you Dear Sister.

[107. EJ said the following at 4:32 PM on Mar 17:]

107

To Cindi...
I prayed for you just now dear sister. Two thoughts; First, Mark 10:28-30 and second, even though it tears your heart to leave him, know that the Father loves him even more than you do.
Grace and peace

[108. Jo said the following at 5:10 PM on Mar 17:]

108

Cindi,
"However, when I told him I was concerned about his soul his response was "I'm learning what that means"."

I don't want to confuse you or disagree with the conclusion you've come to through prayer - but the bit I quoted sounds quite positive to me. Someone I know recently said that for some people, becoming a Christian is a really sudden event, but for others it's a slow 'drip drip drip' as they slowly come to a understanding and eventually acceptance of Jesus. You obviously know better than me, but from what you posted I wonder if this man is actually taking it in and gradually assimilating it.

Again, I'm not saying 'Don't end it'. I definitely agree that dating people who don't share our faith is not what God wants for His children. But maybe if you haven't already, you could talk this over in more depth with your guy, find out where he is with it all - and if he's not sure, maybe challenge him to figure it out! I pray it all works out for you and that God will give you the strength to make the right decision, even if it is hard.

[109. BDB said the following at 8:36 PM on Mar 17:]

109

>>"I'm learning what that means"."<<

Yeah, might be time to sit down with an evangelist who can walk through the Gospel with you folks.

[110. Andrew said the following at 12:16 AM on Aug 27:]

110

I love that episode

[101. BDB said the following at 12:12 PM on Sep 22:]

101

Jo wrote:

>>and I know Catholics who meet all the criteria of genuine Christianity that I apply to others, whose relationship with God is (as far as I can see and judge by Biblical standards)<<

I just wrote a paper on this, looking at both protestant and Catholic organizations that serve the poor. There are biblical commandments, straight from Jesus, about Christians' responsibility for the poor. I was struck by how similar the founders were - whether Protestant or Catholic, like the Sisters of Mercy. I mean, the latter group has a network of modern hospitals across the world serving the poor. Few protestant churches can claim to do that.

[102. Lauren T. said the following at 3:34 PM on Sep 22:]

102

Marci:

Thanks! I can understand the concept that calling yourself Roman Catholic and being a Christian are two different things; and I know others who call themselves by their denomination but who don't have any of the evidence of Christianity in their lives, so I know that apathy and real belief in God exist in the same churches.

I didn't get the impression from John's words, though, that he made any distinction; which is where I agree with Jo: John said pretty flatly that if you're dating a Catholic, you're dating an unbeliever.

I don't know if I would date a Catholic. We did leave the church for a reason and I find many parts of the belief system there to be strange and to sit uncomfortably on my conscience. I still would NEVER make the blanket statement that dating a Catholic is exactly the same as dating an unbeliever because (like any other denomination!) it depends on the man whether or not he really follows God with all his "strength and soul and mind".

[103. Mimi said the following at 2:48 AM on Nov 2:]

103

For women struggling with their dating life - or lack thereof, there's a great quote from the book, Fine China is for Single Women Too (Brownback):

"God rewards those who seek him, and one of the rewards we receive is spiritual wisdom and understanding to discern between good, better and best in all the choices with which we are confronted each day. How many men have you dated for their great potentially? 'Oh, he isn't spiritually mature yet,' you've told your friends, 'but he's started to go to church more now that we're dating.' When we are content with our single status and trusting that God will bring along a mate if he wants us to be married, we find that such questioning and anxiety disappear. We are confident that God will make his leading clear, and we are content to sit back until he does. We will be looking for the best - God's best which is always evidenced by the things, people, and situations that best patterns his Word...How many of us have glamorized the basics because it holds out promise of escaping discontent and being alone? Even worse is the rationalizing of destructive relationships for the same reason. When we do this, we are like the shrub in Jeremiah [17:7-8], not the green tree thriving by the river. And we are not approving the things that are excellent, as Paul prayed, but instead are approving mediocrity or worse. Contentment with God is the key to spiritual discernment and knowledge, enabling us to hold out for the best, for our benefit and for the glory of God..."

[104. Vanessa Douglas said the following at 8:01 PM on Jan 2:]

104

I thought I'd just share my experience... I (along with a number of frustrated ladies) used to complain about how the guys never seemed to step up to the plate and ask anyone out at my old churches. It wasn't that NO ONE was going out, but dating had a weirdness to it, people were trying to be careful about Now, a few years later, I've actually met a number of cool Christian guys who I would have liked to date or get to know better. Nothing went anywhere though. I don't know what to say, I guess I just believe God is in control and I'm trying to go with the flow of His Spirit. If that means I'm single, it means I'm single. God has my best interest in mind. This is a hard path to walk at times, I won't lie - I desire a husband and family and I don't believe God will leave me hanging one way or the other. I have yet to even date a Christian! In my 6 years as a believer, I dated a few unbelievers and it was a really painful compromise to make.

[105. cindi said the following at 2:55 PM on Mar 17:]

105

I am reading all the posts with a heavy heart. For some time I have been dating a non-christian. He is a wonderful man and I love him. He is moral, respectful, and very giving. But he is not a Christian. He does attend church with me always and seems to listen intently. However, when I told him I was concerned about his soul his response was "I'm learning what that means". I am 48. He is 50. No children at home. I was divorced by my Christian husband 3 years ago. Two of my previous dating relationships were with Christian men. Both did not have the integrity and sacrificial love for me that this non-christian man has. My heart is breaking. I know the Lord knows what is best. There is a way that seems right to a man but it's path leads to destruction. Pray that I will end this relationship despite all my justification to continue it.

[106. Ashley Harris said the following at 4:05 PM on Mar 17:]

106

Cindi,

What a hard place to be! I'm so encouraged that you are taking your life and holding it up to God's truth and allowing Him to change the way you live rather than letting the way you live dictate what you believe to be true. I will be praying for you as you make hard decisions in the days to come.

Blessings and peace to you Dear Sister.

[107. EJ said the following at 4:32 PM on Mar 17:]

107

To Cindi...
I prayed for you just now dear sister. Two thoughts; First, Mark 10:28-30 and second, even though it tears your heart to leave him, know that the Father loves him even more than you do.
Grace and peace

[108. Jo said the following at 5:10 PM on Mar 17:]

108

Cindi,
"However, when I told him I was concerned about his soul his response was "I'm learning what that means"."

I don't want to confuse you or disagree with the conclusion you've come to through prayer - but the bit I quoted sounds quite positive to me. Someone I know recently said that for some people, becoming a Christian is a really sudden event, but for others it's a slow 'drip drip drip' as they slowly come to a understanding and eventually acceptance of Jesus. You obviously know better than me, but from what you posted I wonder if this man is actually taking it in and gradually assimilating it.

Again, I'm not saying 'Don't end it'. I definitely agree that dating people who don't share our faith is not what God wants for His children. But maybe if you haven't already, you could talk this over in more depth with your guy, find out where he is with it all - and if he's not sure, maybe challenge him to figure it out! I pray it all works out for you and that God will give you the strength to make the right decision, even if it is hard.

[109. BDB said the following at 8:36 PM on Mar 17:]

109

>>"I'm learning what that means"."<<

Yeah, might be time to sit down with an evangelist who can walk through the Gospel with you folks.

[110. Andrew said the following at 12:16 AM on Aug 27:]

110

I love that episode