What Do We Expect From Marriage?
by Denise Morris on 09/07/2007 at 10:01 AM
I'm quite interested in the topic of love, marriage and the choices we make when it comes to those two. That's why I was so interested in writing about our expectations when it comes to marriage. A Newsweek article about the number of single mothers sparked my thoughts about why people are just deciding not to get married. Have we created a false impression of what marriage is supposed to be? What do you guys think?
I think we have overly-idealized what marriage is and should be. We expect the person we marry to be perfect, we desire a romantic story to describe how we met, and we hold out forever in search of "the one." The idea of personal choice has been idolized in Western society, and I think it has definitely affected the way we think about marriage. It causes us to delay getting married until we think we'll be supremely happy with that choice.
Is this the most biblical way to think about this life-long commitment? I am reminded of Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage, in which he talks about marriage being intended to make us holy rather than happy. Through marriage, we are to learn how to better glorify God and serve others (namely, your spouse). Marriage is less about my ultimate happiness, and more about continually "being transformed into his likeness" (2 Corinthians 3:18, NIV).
Now, I am not saying that you should run out and marry the next person you meet. I do think there's a lot of wisdom, discernment and prayer involved in choosing a spouse. You don't want to marry any jerk who comes along. However, I do think we should approach marriage in a way that causes us to ponder how this relationship will glorify God instead of how it will be most pleasing to me.
1. mike said the following at 11:42 AM on Sep 7:
"Marriage is designed to make you holy, rather than happy." Exactly. So how much MORE important does that make the situation? If that's the real goal we're after, maybe we need to take more, not less, time. Maybe we should be MORE selective, just changing what we view as important in a spouse. If this is the person that's supposed to help us draw near to the Lord's heart, we need all to remain patient and take as long as is necessary.
2. Anna Marie said the following at 11:45 AM on Sep 7:
I think you are right about marriage being useful for sanctification and service. However, it is also meant to make us happy.
In 1 Cor. 7, when Paul talks about marriage/celebacy, he includes personal happiness ("I think you would be happier...") in the discussion.
I was single for a long time, and have been married for a while. Trust me...marriage can make you happy!
3. kman said the following at 1:00 PM on Sep 7:
"I think we have overly-idealized what marriage is and should be."
Amen!
I see that in some of my single friends. I'm married and have been for almost 10 years, in about 2 weeks (Praise GOD!) It's fun at times and a lot of work at times. Both our lives have changed to accomodate the other and sometimes we don't get to do what we want as there is someone else to consider.
And life doesn't become all roses and smiles after you get married either..that's when the REAL nature of marriage kicks in. The day in and day out of normal life. I am learning what it is like to love my wife as Christ loved the church.. to be a servant to her. I have so far to go in that area and so much to learn and only with the Lord's grace and mercy can I ever hope to be the husband He made me to be.
4. J.T. said the following at 1:27 PM on Sep 7:
I think one of the problems is that most couples don't want to forsee future problems while their engaged, dating, etc. No couple wants to contemplate financial trouble, relocating, or losing a child. They want their fairy tale, and when the honeymoon's over and problems hit, they don't know how to react. Same thing with gloifing God. Christianity is rarely a fairy tale. Remember, the height of God's will was His only Son being executed by a punishmnet reserved for murders because He was betrayed by corrupt religious leaders. How is that pretty?
5. Andrea (aka Elena) said the following at 7:41 PM on Sep 7:
I agree with J.T. and Mike.
Knowing that marriage is hard work (which is often quite delightful)---the difficulty level fluctuating through the lifetime of the marriage---makes me take it even more seriously, especially as I regard divorce as not an option (except for the exemptions explicitly stated in the Bible). I know that it isn't a fairy tale. That makes my choice of husband VERY important!
Also... I think it's imperative to talk about issues one is likely to encounter in any marriage. Of course, you cannot guarantee that either one of you will speak or act a certain way in any of the hypothetical situations you discuss together, but at least you should know that the two of you are of one mind or of compatible minds on many issues, especially the "big ones."
After you are married, then no matter what, you work at it. You stick it out. You choose to love. You choose joy. And doing so cannot be conditional upon the other's attitudes, speech, and action. You must do what is right regardless of your spouse's behavior.
Yes, sometimes God and your commitment to each other might just be the only things keeping you together. But that shouldn't characterize the whole lifetime of the marriage. I don't think Gary Thomas is advocating "martyrdom" on the altar of a difficult marriage (that ought not to have been forged in the first place) for the sake of being crucibles for each other.
Rather... I think Thomas is saying that we must recognize that ONE overarching purpose of marriage is to make us more like Christ. That we must view marriage with this lens. Not dreading the refining that God will do, but rejoicing at it. Because don't we want to be like Jesus? And since both Christian spouses are fallen human beings, albeit redeemed ones, friction will occur. It is inevitable. So we must remember that God works good in and out of all things for the glory of His name and for His purpose for the Kingdom and for the good of those who love Him and are calling according to His purpose--->the refining fire OF marriage and the refining fires WITHIN marriage are not for naught.
Still we are to walk as wise... and choose well whom we marry. Not decide hastily or willy-nilly.
6. Fred said the following at 5:29 AM on Sep 8:
So where does it say that marriage is specifically designed to make one holy? I agree that it helps but I don't see that it was designed to.
7. Christina said the following at 8:05 AM on Sep 8:
What I don't understand about this article is the claim that "we have overly-idealized what marriage is and should be."
A shirt my brother-in-law recieved at his bachelor's party comes to mind:
A bride and groom standing over a cake with the words GAME OVER stamped beneath them.
Why wouldn't men take this view when older men who are married (either jokingly or seriously) claim that their life is pretty much over after holy matrimony? That doesn't sound like over-idealization...that just sounds like marriage-bashing =p
And who wouldn't blame them when the young women are being taught by these older men's counterparts that they will have to "house-train" their husband? What man would want to enter into that kind of a marriage?
And what young woman wants to enter a marriage where she has to teach her husband the do's and don't's of a civilized house after his bachelor pad?
I do realize that not everyone thinks this way, but it is a rather prevalent view of marriage. Perhaps the older generations are instilling a lot of fear that contributes to the over-idealization?
8. R said the following at 11:54 PM on Sep 8:
I agree that there's a lot of discernment involved in spouse selection, and I understand that no one is perfect. However I also think it's totally fine to hold out for the best of the best. While that will not be a perfect person, s/he will be 'perfect' in the eye of the beholder. But what do I know. I'm single :). And I feel that there might be seasons in some of our lives where there just aren't tons of potentials out there. I wouldn't want to be an emergency back-up for someone, and I wouldn't want to marry someone who simply 'will do'. I once heard an elderly person say "Don't marry someone you think you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without."
That being said, I still fully agree that the couple should strive to glorify God through their relationship. However, I do think it's okay for the couple to please each other as well and care about that as well. Otherwise what's the point of them getting married? If they simply wanted to solely glorify God and didn't seek self-serving pleasure at all I bet they wouldn't get married. Unless they saw the pleasure they got as something that could glorify God as well. Anyway I don't know. Sorry to ramble.
On another note, though, in the Bible do they ever talk about spouse-hunting in terms of looking at character and everything? Yes there was Rebecca's servant-like qualities as evident in her watering of the camels, but I wonder if they didn't focus on the character as much in spouse selection back in Bible times? I don't know. Just a random thought.
9. Rosabacio said the following at 3:15 PM on Sep 9:
The Pastor of my church made an interesting comment today during the lesson. The topic was on the covenant and to illustrate his point about our covenant with God he asked why many are so afraid of marriage? He went on to say that perhaps it was because when we get into a marriage situation we have no idea if the other person is going to live up to what they promise you (ie. love, obey, cherish, etc.). But rather, with God He never goes back on His promises at all. I'm paraphrasing of course. Anyway, in my opinion marriage is pretty scary because in comparison my life right now is much happier than some of the lady friends I know who are married. And they are Christians too! So with that said I think I'm MUCH better off single.
10. helen said the following at 8:36 PM on Sep 10:
I so agree with "R". God has our future plan and as we understand that then, if or when we marry then God will show us the right person. Hope is what I have and God is my Dad and He wants the best for me, I trust Him to find the one for me if that is his plan, marriage is sacred and hard work...Jesus lived a hard life...we will too, as He died for me I will remain single and wait.....,He will show me....why should I need to think about it...Happily married means exactly that! Work at it!
11. Leland said the following at 7:50 AM on Sep 11:
I'm usually impressed and enlightened by Boundless articles, but this was not one of them. Yes, marriage is something that has often been glamorized. Yes, it can be hard. But what the heck is this "not meant to make you happy" stuff? Excuse me, but I don't recall any verses from Paul about "marriage will make you miserable but holy." No, no, no.
Marriage is the greatest symbolism we have of Christ's marriage to us, the church. I think you need to be VERY careful before you go and start looking at it in a negative light. After reading this article, I found myself trying to remember all the reasons why marriage is good. That's not how the Christian view should be. We should be thinking and focusing on everything that is "good" and "pure." I'm not saying we deny the evils, but it's also detrimental to sit here and pore over all the failures of mankind concerning marriage.
What do I expect from marriage? This is the wrong question, first off. This article could better be titled, "What Can I Give through Marriage?" Because, that's what it's all about. To stand here and talk about what we are or are not getting is so completely beside the point that we lose focus of the real issue. Marriage is a blessed setting in which two people can come together and bring Christ glory while becoming more holy themselves. Let me remind you that a key part of holiness is joy. Not always happiness, but always joy. We receive this joy by first giving it and the other Fruits to our spouse. It's not something we expect from our husband or wife...it's something we freely give, as Christ freely gave His love. His love makes me joyful; not that I am always happy about it (like when I consider His nail-pierced hands)...but it will ALWAYS make me joyful. And I believe this joy is essential to holiness, and even our witness.
How effective is a Gospel in which its members all walk around weeping? "Invite Christ into your life; it won't make you happy at all...ever...but it will be better, somehow. I think..."
This is not only a weak argument for faith, but also an incorrect one. According to the Bible, our righteousness (becoming holy) ought to shine like the midday sun. That doesn't sound like people moping around.
What I'm trying to say is this: your points are valid, but your focus is way off. If we look at marriage through Christ's eyes I believe we would see something vastly different.
-Leland
12. Melissa said the following at 8:18 AM on Sep 11:
Let me begin by stating that I am not married. But, in the will of the Lord, I will be soon. As far as the purpose behind God's design of marriage, procreation, avoiding base temptations of the flesh, pleasure, being able to serve God in unity, and providing a picture of the relationship between God, Jesus, and the Church are what I can find in the Bible. I think it is a tremendously important and tremendously sacred union betweeen two people. I agree with Rosabacio that it can be a scary thought, especially in today's hyped-up culture where soaring overtures explode into the air whenever movie couples kiss and all the world is pink and filled with flowers and bunnies and rainbows. This unrealistic view of love and marriage paired with the growing over-sexualization of our culture is a mind boggling entanglement that has either jaded people (both youth and adults) into a desensitized fog of indifference or scared them out of their wits. Both are perversions of what I humbly believe God intended. God designed our bodies to respond to intimate touch. He made us in a fashion that it will feel good, and within the safe haven of a marriage, I believe that sex will be a wonderful experience free from shame, from false expectations, and one of the purest and truest expressions of love for your spouse. I think this intimacy is a glimpse, a small sliver of how intimate we will be with God in heaven, based on the Bible's illustration of Jesus caring for the Church as His bride. I also agree that as much idealization of what marriage, and love for that matter, is, there is an equal amount of marriage bashing as well, as mentioned in a previous post. Both are tragic attitudes towards something God intended to be beautiful (read Song of Solomon to get an idea of how beautiful it can be). Like I stated at the start, I am not married. I do have some lovey-dovey expectations like most girls do. I pray about my future husband, I write love letters to him that I hope to give him on our wedding night. I meditate on 1 Corinthians 13, a real challenging passage to what today's culture says love is, as well to me personally. It forces me to re-evaluate my ideas of love, and someday (again, in the will of the Lord) love to my husband, and to continually work, and it is work make no mistake, to let Christ mould me into His ideas of love. It is one of my prayers and greatest aspirations; to truly love others as much as I can like Christ does, and my prayer for others as well.
13. nikki said the following at 9:03 AM on Sep 11:
I just want agree with the commenter who said that marriage gets more bashing than anything these days. Actually it's extremely hard to find a view on marriage that isn't in some way derogatory. I've read almost all the articles on Focus on the Family and most of them seem to be aimed at making young people consider marriage VERY SERIOUSLY...instead it ends up scaring us out of marriage. There is such a gravity in the church, which is doubtless a legitimate counter to decades of no-fault divorce, but instead of just making us think harder about marriage, we end up wondering "If it's all that bad, and so difficult, why bother?"
14. Clarice said the following at 9:17 AM on Sep 11:
Wow, alot of comments i haven't read yet. Maybe this has already been said:
"marriage is designed to make you holy, rather than happy."
Yes, and holiness leads to happiness if we understand obedience to a GOOD God who promises blessing as we pursue Him.
Also, and maybe this has been said too: I don't know if it's possible for there to be an uninteresting or non-romantic story about how two people met, fell in love and got married (not to mention all the stories that follow)...especially for Christians. We know that we serve a sovereign God who works all things for our good. We know that he brings people together. For the unbeliever, of course marriage isn't going to satisfy or bring ultimate joy...It's like grasping after the shadow (marriage) and missing the REALITY that is making the shadow (Christ!!)
15. xeres said the following at 12:05 PM on Sep 11:
Leland,
I know this is kinda off but using the benefits of marriage nad singleness as draw cards to get people interested in it and as something that everybody is entitled to at all cost is not a biblical idea, much less a good idea. I mean, too many modern evangelists advertise Christianity as if it will always bring prosperity and all the goodies when becasue you deserve it garbage. Excuse me, when you receive good, it always in result of God's Grace, no more or no less. We should enjoy our our privledges but with gratitude knowing what God will use it for not entitlement. Too many Christians advertise the both the single life and married life like we are entitled to have every prayer answered and have every single thing we want even though what we want might not always be beneficial to being Godly or being personally transformed to become fully human. I know what you are saying and I do think the focus is off but let's not go to the other direction either that if a Christian experiences bad things or constant problems that couldn't be solved in his or her kifetime , he or she must be a bad Christians for not having a perfect, conflict-free, problem-free marathon-long prosperous life.
16. Christina said the following at 12:20 PM on Sep 11:
Following Christ makes us holy, too...
But last time I checked being a Christian isn't all rainbows, bunnies, and flowers.
To those who think that marriage is supposed to make you happy and are upset about the comment that marriage is actually hard work, so is being a Christian - hard work to stay motivated to being committed to Christ when we're faced with hard times, hard decisions, and hate from a secular world.
So what's the thing about marriage making you holy? Its about staying committed to someone through hard times, hard decisions, and sometimes hateful comments and angry outbursts.
And when you learn to do that, you ultimately learn what it really means to be in a committed relationship with Christ - better than you could as a single person.
17. Fred said the following at 1:40 AM on Sep 12:
So Christina what do you make of Paul's comments (you know the better to be single one?). No where (that I know of) does the Bible say that marriage is designed to make one holy nor does it say that it is the best way to 'learn what it really means to be in a committed relationship with Christ'. Making too much of marriage is just as bad as thinking too little of it.
18. xeres said the following at 11:12 AM on Sep 12:
Neither singleness nor marriage are designed to make you holy, Fred. Paul is just saying "the better to be single one" verses out of mercy and explaining other ways God can make you a full dispensal for the Kingdom if some people didn't ended up married. I hate how GOS advocates adversites the single life as a marathon long period of flowers, bunnies, and meadows just as I hate how marriage mandate for shaming singles like as if they are freaks. Last time I checked, Paul and other single Christians in other countries have faced worse scenarios than majority of American Christian singles have to face. Also, couples like Priscilla and Aquilia dealt with a lot things Christian couples in the USA don't realize.
I'm not saying this to make a lot of us feel resentful to our privledged lives. However, we need to enjoy our blessings with gratitude and love, not with entitlement, or with the idea that we deserve it
19. Augustina Stephen said the following at 2:12 PM on Sep 12:
I've been married for a few years now and it hasn't been a cakewalk.
Submitting without resentment when you think that you are right - well, that's been a real test for me.
Marriage is not about your spouse; it's about you. I must choose to react to my circumstances in a way that is pleasing to God.
I definitely know that I would not be where I am in my Christian walk, if it were not for marriage. God has used marriage to show me how much I need to change.
So, I thank God for marriage and the happiness and joy that it brings but I sometimes wish the refining process was not so difficult!
20. sarah said the following at 11:11 AM on Sep 13:
Leland -
If you read Gary Thomas' Sacred Marriage (the referenced book), you'll find that he makes almost exactly the same points as you.
NOWHERE does he (or Denise) state that marriage is designed to make you miserable. Rather, as Densie points out, Thomas proposes - what if, just what if, the primary reason for being married isn't about selfish us, but about drawing us closer to Christ and becoming more like Him.
That sounds pretty good to me!
As you state, "Marriage is a blessed setting in which two people can come together and bring Christ glory while becoming more holy themselves. Let me remind you that a key part of holiness is joy. Not always happiness, but always joy."
Absolutely Thomas' arguement and truth!
21. Valerie Wood said the following at 11:09 PM on Mar 31:
i think part of what's at issue here is our how we think of happiness. "Jesus wants me to be (sunshine & bunnies & roses) happy." Wellllllll. . . .Sure. Jesus promised me a rose garden. Seriously. How many thorns per rose in a rose garden anyway? But we don't usually call it a thorn garden, do we? The roses just fill our minds so much more, unless we let ourselves dwell on those nasty thorns.
Marriage is idealized - and demonized, as we've seen above. My husband and i are about to see our 30th anniversary. We've never exactly seen eye to eye on our faith, but we are friends, we respect each other, we have wonderful intellectual Scriptural discussions, we are raising two wonderful teens, one a Christian leader on his state university campus, the other still learning to reach the world through his autism.
i've found that the times i've consciously given up my wishes & surrendered my rights, actually listened to my husband, have led to the times of greatest blessing and togetherness for us. That is not to say that the moment i surrendered was felt as a blessing, or that path to that point wasn't difficult - quite the opposite! And there have also been many times we've had to patiently teach each other how we need to be loved. i am convinced that every successful marriage has many potential divorces in its past.
Happiness comes & goes, like the ups & downs on a roller coaster. Joy is deeper, and it stays. A lot of my praise lately is in a minor key, because there's heavy stuff going on in our lives, but make no mistake, it is still PRAISE, and i am a joyful Christian, joyfully married.
Though not necessarily happily every minute.